Wednesday, December 28, 2016

She Used to be Mine

Hi Darlings!

I survived my first round of chemo...and in another blog I will go into that ....but tonight I need to pour my feelings out again and not just "report" so here goes...

buckle up...

it might get "unpretty"


First round of chemo is done...

5 more to go....

as I type that I let out a big sigh...yes, a big sigh...

you see it's because I long for the day that I wasn't sick...

I want to go back 3 months when the only thing I was worried about was how to make a 6'4" boy into a Cheshire Cat and how many soldiers we had to make...

when the bleeding that brought all of this to reality was just...


when it was something I was told "might be normal at your age because of menopause" and not to panic

but then the bleeding got worse

and I felt worse



I want to go back to being that girl who was more worried about meeting a nice guy than whether or not I keep my hair

I want to go back to being that girl who worried about losing weight and not about losing her life

I want to go back to being that girl who worried for others and not herself







I am so ready to not have people worry about me or need to pray for me

I am so ready to not have all my conversations lead to a discussion of my health

I am so ready to not complain about how I feel

I am so ready to not feel bad

I am so ready to not see worry and pity in the eyes of my friends

I am so ready to be



I am so sick of being SICK

and I am no where close to done

and I do not have nearly as much illness as others do

and I don't have as badass a treatment as others do

and I don't have as scary a cancer as others do

You want to get scared right back into your "thank God I don't have cancer" comfort zone?

Go to the 29th floor of 6400 Fannin....or MD Anderson...or wherever they treat cancer at any of the other hospitals...

go there

it will scare the bejeezus out of you...

I get off the elevators there and think "why the hell am I here?"

Actually, that's not's the REAL conversation in my head:

"Damn this elevator shoots up so fast and now my ears are popping and oh thank God we have stopped and why the hell does it say "Cancer Center" and oh lordy I have a UT Physician and why am i here and damn she looks sick and damn he looks sick and omg she has lost her leg and omg that is a bad wig poor thing and ok she looks healthy oh no she's just with someone who is sick and why am i here?  I mean what the hell why I am here?  I don't have cancer...this is a dream...a terrible dream...I don't have cancer and I don't have all this crap I have to do to live...and oh jeez they are calling my name and now here is that nice nurse i love but oh crap here is the blood pressure machine that hates me and says "cancer center" on the side to remind me i have cancer and why the hell am I hear and why do I have an oncologist when I am not sick and I don't have cancer..."

It goes




just like that...the whole time...

The whole time I was getting chemo I kept thinking I was in a nightmare...

I couldn't believe I was there...that I have a port in me and that they had to "access my port" and put poison into my body...

When my nurse started the taxol...



yup...big old ugly cry...

I felt bad for him having to watch me...

I'm reminded each night that I have a port because it hurts to lay on my side...

the realization that i have cancer never leaves me...

even when I sleep

So really, I just want to start 2017 and forget 2016 ever happened...

because it ended shitty

and I'm already sick of myself

sick of  the sick girl

sick of complaining in this blog

sick of pouring out my soul in pain

sick of being someone who needs prayers

I like to take care of people

I like to pray for others

and I like to do the fussing over others and not myself...

but that girl is gone

she's a distant memory

she's somewhere behind me



she's IN FRONT OF ME too

I see her

shimmering in the distance

like a mirage

but she's real and not a mirage

and I have to crawl naked on my belly on burning cement over broken glass to get to her...and I can only go an inch at a time and she's miles away














Inspiration Song: "She Used to be Mine" by Sara Bareilles for the musical "Waitress".  The song is so beautiful and when sung by Jesse Mueller it brings me to my knees.  The words are powerful and just how I feel:

She Used to Be Mine
It's not simple to say
Most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt
But who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

Bye Darlings----she used to be mine and one day she will again...I will be myself...I will be whole...I will be healed....but for now she is gone...

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