Cancer is a slippery slope of emotions...
Just when you think you have your footing...
(and not in the good Emeril Lagasse way of Bam as spice but BAM as in a strike)
and you lose your footing and you slide back down again and once again you are looking up at the hill
And sometimes stuff comes rolling down the hill with that one little BAM and you are not only on the bottom of the hill but you are covered in stuff...
That's how it is with me...
I get up each morning ready to face what lies ahead and I feel like I am making progress and then something sets me off...
or fills me with fear...
or makes me feel pain...and not just physical pain...
or a little thought enters my head and won't go away and it builds and gets bigger...
Yesterday I couldn't even get up to get on the hill...my emotions overwhelmed me...
I don't know whether to blame cancer...or menopause...or just my usual "cry at a Kleenex commercial" self...
But hell yes I cried a lot yesterday
Today...I'm going up the hill...
and the hill leads to a mountain...
and the mountain is Everest.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Rockstar and hopefully pathology is back and we will know just how far it spread.
I am trying to stay as positive as I can about all of this...be strong and stay strong...
I am purposely not reading ANYTHING on the internet about cancer...
I have avoided having conversations just yet with other survivors because I need to know what my story is before I hear someone else's.
I don't want their journey to color mine.
Or to make me worry or fearful.
Or to give me unrealistic hope.
I need some answers from Dr. Rockstar before I start to get anxious about all that comes with whatever she says.
Because if she says I am all clear (and dear Baby Jesus in heaven I hope that is just what she says) I will be so relieved and happy I might just do cartwheels down the hallway.
Ok, maybe not cartwheels because even on a good day I am not sure my 52 year old fluffy self should try a cartwheel...
But maybe I might dance like Snoopy...or just hug every human I see...
because I am me,
I will worry about every little twinge I feel and get scared that the cancer is back.
and down the slippery slope I will slide until I am buried under my own worries.
But she could also tell me what I am terrified of----
that the cancer spread
and that I need further treatment.
No cartwheels on that news
but damn I will slide down that slope like an avalanche
I have two voices in my head. Sort of like the proverbial "angel and devil" on your shoulder where one tells you to be good and the other says "go ahead and do that thing you shouldn't".
The angel speaks in clear tones. She has a matter of fact yet a sing-song tone to her voice.
Hey you...you are fine! You have nothing to worry about. Dr. Rockstar got all that badass cancer out of you and it stayed in that ugly mess of a uterus. Your lymph glands are fine and you can live just fine without them and you will be ok. And now for the rest of your life you get to be a cancer survivor and it won't come back. It is gone. You are free...
But then the devil chimes in.
She's seductive. She speaks in a charming voice that belies the terror of her words.
Hey you...you are screwed! The cancer spread. Its in your lymph glands and your belly fat (because they tested that). It's there...and it was in all the lymph glands she took, And it's in the two she had to leave so you didn't die. And it's there and it's strong. It's nasty. And you are gonna go to hell and back trying to beat it.
Yup...that's what goes on ALL DAY LONG in my head.
I only want to listen to the angel. She speaks truths I want to hear. She doesn't scare me. And if I listen to her I can stay strong and ready to fight.
But the devil plays her seductive tune and pulls my mind away and makes me question everything about myself.
And somewhere in the middle of this storm in my head is me.
And the me that is there is struggling to breathe and not give in to fear.
The me that is a warrior princess that wants to be strong and confident.
The me that is climbing that hill one step at a time and avoiding the things that will make me slide back down.
Today I managed this day with zero painkillers.
Not even Tylenol
I want to let my body adjust to the tiny pain that is left without clouding my brain.
And maybe it will quiet that damn devil
I'm on the hill tonight...I can't see the top but I know it is there.
I don't need to see the top...I just need to see where my next step is...
And that next step is right there in front of me...and there are rocks in the path and the grass is slick.
But if I go slow...I can step between the rocks until I get to the place where the path is lit before me.
It might not be an easy path...it might be the damn mountain and it will require all kinds of gear and chemicals and horrible stuff. I will need a sherpa to get me up the mountain and it will take a while.
Or it might be a nice little path to the top where I can twirl about like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and I can sing and dance on it and not worry about how I get back down. I like to dance. I like to twirl. And I sure as hell like the view from the top better.
All I know is that right now I am trying to not let the damn landslide of fear bring me down...
And if I do end up buried in the rubble on the bottom...
I will just
and start climbing again...
BRING IT ON CANCER---I have better things to do than let you screw up my life!!!!! I'm gonna keep climbing the hill and I'm gonna dance while I do it...
Inspiration Song: "Landslide"---my girl Stevie wrote it but I am exceedingly fond of the Dixie Chicks version as well. Yes, the Dixie Chicks. Those women give me life and inspiration these days. I hate country music but I love every note they sing and play because they, and Stevie, are badass women who live by their own rules. Who sing their pain. Who don't give a damn what others think. Who don't just "shut up and sing" but let their message out loud and clear. Right now I need badass bitches in my corner who say "screw it" when someone tries to bring them down in the landslide. And they are my girls...
Bye darlings...don't let the landslide bring you down when you read this...I will be ok...but right now my headspace is filled with a lot of noise...so I just use music and dance to it...