Sunday, December 31, 2017

This is Me

Hello Darlings...

I went to see my favorite movie of this year the other day: "The Greatest Showman". I went with GOTTESS, GOTT, and GOTTSON.

GOTTESS and I cried through the whole movie....every number made us burst into tears. The beauty of the songs, costumes, choreography and styling made us cry happy tears...and GOTT as usual thought we were cute---if not a little freaky for it...but he's used to it with us...

If you are not familiar with the movie it is a musical fictionalized account of PT Barnum's life.

And if you know who Barnum is you know it was a circus of freaks and oddities that brought him fame and fortune.

There's a point in the movie when the Bearded Lady sings a song about being "different" and it really resonates with me as I often find myself thinking I am strange, unusual, and different.

I joke that I am a magical unicorn warrior princess...but that is how I see myself: magical in that I have overcome things I wasn't sure I could, a unicorn in that I am a rare being for all my odd combinations of talents and faults, a warrior because I have battled something that literally has been trying to kill me and a princess in that I like me some sparkle and glitz and princess-y things...

It's taken me 53 years but I finally actually like who I am and I embrace my uniqueness and differences.

Do I love my fat dimpled thighs?

no...

make that:

HELL NO

but I've never had skinny thighs so at this point in life I have accepted it and along with my big fat booty and I will deal with them.

I gained weight for a few reasons:
1) I was ill...my body was fighting cancer before I knew I had it so my metabolism was not working properly
2) then I had chemo and the devil drug Decadron made me think that I was literally starving all the time...I basically turned into my cat Zulu (who thinks he is starving if he can see the bottom of his bowl)
3) I like to cook and I cook good food
4) I like to eat...and I like to eat good food...and I like to eat the good food I cook

I'm never going to be thin because my metabolism is basically running at the glacial speed of a sloth.

And I am never going to give up enjoying food because unless I live on a diet of water, lemon slices and AIR I will gain weight...

So I have accepted my curves and am trying to embrace them...

I have also accepted that I am a crier.

If you know me you know I can be set into tears at the drop of a hat.

Things that make me cry:
beautiful things like art and fashion
sentimental movies
my students performing
my children achieving their goals
those damn "save an animal" commercials
The Color Purple
The Greatest Showman
The Lion King
Aggie football
Game of Thrones
cute animal videos
babies
chemo
fear of dying
lonliness
Hallmark commercials (but not the movies...weirdly I don't watch them)
bullying
seeing my children when they come home
the song "She Used to be Mine"
and the list goes on and on and on...

I cry...

it's just part of me...

Hopefully the next man who I let into my heart will fall in line with the old saying:
"find a man who ruins your lipstick and not your mascara"

This year I cried a lot...over so many many things but mostly for all the crap I have been put through with this damn cancer.

I've been tested beyond what I thought I could stand.

And some things pushed me to my limit:
the thought of losing my hair (so I didn't)
being told I was Stage 4 and not 3 (so I had more treatment)
my first chemo (handled it like a boss)
fear of dying (oh hell no)
missing my workouts (I need to sweat)

No one ever has a year where every thing is sunny and rosy and nothing bad happens. I had to fight cancer. Other friends have lost loved ones or their homes (thank goodness God knew my plate was full and I was spared those things).

Illness is one of those things you have zero control over.

Because cancer gives zero "f'cks" if you are young or old, fat or skinny, rich or poor, gay or straight, married or single, blonde or dark haired, pretty or not so pretty, or whatever the hell you are.

Cancer is gonna get who cancer is gonna get.

Other than my weight I have lived a fairly healthy life and yet here I sit battling a Stage 4 cancer that most do not survive....or at least not for long.

I've tried to live life as a good person...I try to be good, kind, loving, helpful, giving, supportive, friendly, compassionate, wise, discerning, and just generally try to be a person who does more good in life than bad...that gives more than she takes...that loves more than she hates...and that helps more than she hurts.

And yet I am alone and I have cancer.

(Oh please oh please oh please do not message me that I am not alone...we have been over this...friends and loved ones are very helpful but for me it would have been so nice to have had a man to hold me the nights before chemo when I was terrified or who would have kissed me and told me I was cute in my cold caps or would have held my hand when the doctors told me all the bad stuff. 

 And 99% of you who tell me I am not alone---are not alone yourselves. So please...don't....there is a difference... and if you have someone you love you have no clue what it is to be alone and ill....because if you became ill you would not be alone...and if you are alone and blessed not to be ill you won't get it either)

So I am alone...and I have cancer...

but it doesn't define me...

it might anger and sadden and frustrate me but it does NOT define me...

I am more than my illness...

This year I have survived:
5 rounds of chemo (the 1st of 6 was in 2016)
hours in a freezing cap
25 rounds of radiation to my pelvis
3 brachy treatments
30 rounds of radiation to my neck
4 infusions of cisplatin
4 blood transfusions
a hernia surgery
countless blood draws
a million needle sticks
hours in waiting rooms
CT scans and a PET scan
more nausea pills than i can count

It's a lot to handle.

My stomach looks like a road map to hell...no one will ever see me in a bikini again...

I am battered and scarred...I look like a broken doll...

But those scars might be visible but they do not define me.

When we have to face our toughest challenges...our darkest fears...our highest mountains and hurdles we see what we are made of.

We transform from human to warrior...

Sometimes it is facing poison in your veins....or water rising in your home...or watching a loved one die...or saying goodbye to a marriage or relationship...or overcoming an injury...or surviving a business setback...

A warrior emerges from the shadows of the doubts we have about ourselves.

So as I see myself and define "this is me" on the last day of 2017 I am:
stronger than I was a year ago
battle scarred and weary but not defeated
hopelessly in love with the hope of finding love
devoted to my children and friends
prouder than ever of my students
sentimental and sappy but good with it

I am sparkly and I do not color inside the lines and I can't be put into a neat little package that defines me or confines me...

I have wings to fly because my Angel doctor gave them to me as he tries to cure me...
I have a song to sing because Dr. Rockstar made sure I stayed alive
I have tears to cry because I have love in my heart
I have strength that can only come from having been weak

I would hope that the most beautiful thing about me is not my face, or my green eyes or my hair but rather my loving heart...

I would hope that the strongest thing about me is not battling cancer but HOW I battled it...

I am weird and wonderful
I am odd and sweet
I am a glitter unicorn warrior princess

and no one can change that in me...nor can cancer...

My armor is rose gold and studded with crystals...my shield is golden and shiny to reflect the bad stuff away...my weapons are love and faith...

I survived a year that many would not have...because a lot of women die from El Diablo.

I vowed on New Year's Eve last year that I would see this day---December 31, 2017.

I am here....and I will see many more...

Thank you all for these last 365 days of love and support and reading all this word vomit I do and all my endless complaining and whining...

and thank you for letting me be me...

This is Me...

and I like Me...

she's not perfect

but she's Me...

Inspiration Song: "This is Me" from "The Greatest Showman". The music and lyrics are by the team (Pasek and Paul) that wrote "dear Evan Hansen" and "LaLaLand". Kesha does a very beautiful cover of the song but it is Keala Settle's performance from the movie that does me in every time. If you have not seen the movie---go!

Lyrics...because they are so powerful:

THIS IS ME
by Pasek and Paul

I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are
[Pre-Chorus]
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
[Chorus]
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am great, I am proof
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
[Post-Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Bye Darlings: Happy New Year to you...may 2017 be in your rear view mirror if it was a tough one to get through and may 2018 be better...



Saturday, December 23, 2017

Poison

Hello Darlings,

Today is an anniversary of sorts...

December 23, 2016 I had my first chemo treatment.

I barely slept the night before.

I was so scared...no, make that TERRIFIED...

I had no clue how it would feel to have poison poured into my veins...if my port would work...if I would get sick...if the cold caps would work to keep my hair...if it would hurt...if I could do it...

So with a lack of sleep and a lot of fear I got into my friend SweetShari's car (along with my giant rolling ice chest full of the cold caps) and we headed off for the cancer center.

Getting around with that giant ice chest was not easy...it looked like we were about to have a big picnic in the cancer center.

When I put my first cap on I remember thinking:

there is no way I can do this for 6-8 hours...it is so cold...no it's not cold it's FREEZING...why am I doing this...wow do I look stupid...everyone is staring at me...oh this is cold....FREEZING...if this is this hard how hard will it be when they start the poison?

(you have to put the cold cap on an hour before they start the Taxol)

But I adjusted to the caps and then a nurse called me in to access my port.

"Access my port" is a phrase I NEVER thought I would say.

I sat in the chair and she uncovered my newly placed port and asked me if I wanted Lidocaine.

"yes"

or maybe I said: "hell yes"

I had no idea what it would feel like and I didn't want to feel it any more than I had to.

Lots of gloves and draping later and a shot of lidocaine and a little "punch" to the port and I had a line in for the poison.

They moved me to a bed for the infusions...

I thought "yay! A bed!" but I came to realize I was more comfy in a lounge chair so that first infusion was a little hard as it was not comfortable to lay down with the cap on...

When it came time to start the Taxol I started to cry...

So did SweetShari...

I was so scared...and looking at that bag with poison warnings on it was terrifying...my nurse had to be in a special gown and coverings so that he did not have any contact with the Taxol.

I looked at him and said "you can't touch this and yet it is being poured into my veins..."

For about the first half hour every time I looked at that bag I teared up...

I kept thinking:
how did I get here?
how is it that I have this horrible scary cancer?
how am I having chemo?
why I am here today and not prepping for Christmas?

It is a very surreal experience to have chemo.

Cancer feels very surreal.

Surgery is one thing...I have had surgeries before.

But chemo was something else...

When you have chemo it makes it feel even more real...because chemo is the thing that most people associate with cancer...that and radiation (and lucky me I got BOTH)

So the poison began to drip into my veins and I kept praying it was going to work

We kept changing out the caps and then Twirler Girl came with lunch and tapped SweetShari out and took over the care and maintenance of me...

I don't know what I would have done without Twirler Girl and her diligence at setting the alarm and changing the caps...had I been alone I could have never done it. 

Between her and Aunt Jane I have a head full of hair...and I don't look like a human emoji...

But that first infusion was a doozy...it was scary not knowing what it would feel like both during and after.

And I had not been fully aware of what the devil drug Decadron does to you---it makes you the Energizer Bunny for about 24 hours and then you crash hard...but only after eating half the contents of your refrigerator and no carb is safe around you.

(the eating part lasts for days...better than throwing up but so not fun gaining weight each round of chemo)

So a year has passed since that fateful day...

I've had to face so much more this year than just the chemo...but you all know all of that...

What I do find as I look back on that day one year ago is that it changed me...and not just by killing cancer cells.

It takes a great amount of fortitude to sit in the chair, have your port accessed and then have chemicals put in your body that are toxic.

And a great amount of faith that it will work.

Anyone who has ever had a chemo infusion will tell you that you look up at that bag of poison hanging on the pole next to you and you pray with everything in you that it will cure you.

Every time they started the drip I prayed...I prayed for healing...I prayed it would give me a life...

And I sit now on the precipice of possibly being free of the disease---for now or maybe forever....and I am grateful for those drugs that helped to get me here.

Last Christmas I was sick...the kids were worried about me and I was doing my best to hold it together for them.

On Christmas Eve I felt ok but come Christmas Day I was so tired and felt so awful I just wanted to sleep.

This year I feel great...and I want to spend every minute enjoying the time I have been given with my family and to make memories...because this horrible disease can take me from them if I am not cured.

I want my kids to spend these next two days happy with their healthy mom and not worrying about me.

God has given me a gift...the gift of time...and I plan to enjoy that time.

Over this past year I know that each and every one of you has faced some sort of challenge...some are harder than others but we all have challenges. It matters not if they are big or small, easy or tough, or if you are facing death or just facing the in-laws.

Challenges...

And it's how we face them and get over them that sometimes defines us...

I faced this damn cancer like a boss...a badass cancer kicking warrior woman boss...

And I am a woman who is terrified of heights and cockroaches...but I did not let this stuff undo me...

I do not know what else God will have me face in my future but I can tell that He must have a lot of faith in ME because he has given me plenty to handle over time. Because He only gives us what we can handle...never more...

I'm not sure what my next hurdle is..the next bump in the road...the next surprise around the corner...

but I do know that if I can sit and have poison dripped into my veins while wearing a cap that is -25 degrees I can pretty much face anything...

I see friends who have had challenges that I could not handle well at all handle them with grace and so much dignity. Friends who have lost children....who have lost partners/spouses....friends who have lost their homes...who have lost their jobs...

I lost a year of my life fighting something that was trying to kill me.

I entered a ring to battle an opponent that defeats more than he loses to...that fights dirty...that kills more often than just maims...

El Diablo has not a care if you are young or old, rich or poor, married or single, gay or straight or bi, pretty or ugly, Christian or not, fat or skinny...El Diablo does not give a shit...

El Diablo is going to get who he wants...

But El Diablo is not going to get me...

Inspiration Song: "Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe...oh yeah your forgot about this one, didn't you? Well I had my share of poison...and one year later it looks like it did it's job...

Bye Darlings...Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it...I am so grateful this year to feel well and have my kids and family around...a year ago I did not know if I would be here...and yet---here I am...thanks to some poison...




Thursday, December 7, 2017

Angels Among Us

Hello Darlings!

So how does it feel to be told you are cancer free?

What's it like to be informed that El Diablo is El Gone-o?

Um....I don't know...

I'm not exactly there yet...

but I am so close I can taste it.

Over on the cancer board forum that I sometimes read they call it "Dancing With NED"...in other words No Evidence of Disease (NED).

I can't wait to dance with NED!

He will be my new boyfriend...

I'd like to start with a tango...and then maybe move to a foxtrot and go from there...

Me and NED could be the new power couple on Dancing With the Stars!!!!

But I am not QUITE at NED yet...

Let's put it this way:

I'm in the ballroom with him
and he is eyeing me from across the dancefloor
and he is making his way toward me
and I am giving El Diablo his walking papers
and I see NED heading my way

So I'm close but we have just a little bit more waiting to do before I can take NED by the hand and we can start that tango.

I saw Dr. Angel today...

I love that man...

truly love him...

he's the sweetest doctor I have ever had and he knows just how to handle me and has a good sense of humor.

So he took me into his office and pulled up my scans on his big computer screens.

He points to a scan that has a very scary black blob on it.

He says "I bet even you can tell that is bad"

I remind him I only speak glitter and that it's all blobs to me and that the black mass is scary.

He laughs and says "this is your OLD scan" and then goes on to show me the new scans (still just blobs to me and I realize I am glad my life does not depend on MY ability to read them) and tells me that the lymph nodes that were cancerous have reduced in size a lot and that there is no new evidence of disease.

That got a little scream of joy from me and a big hug for him...

and then he says the word I dread...

the word I was afraid to hear...

he says: BUT

I looked at him and said "it's always something isn't it?"

So the BUT was that although the glands have shrunk they are still on the large side of "normal" and we don't know if they are free of cancer yet.

So he says I have to have a PET scan in 6 weeks.

I tried to negotiate to have it done tomorrow but he vetoed that

Apparently we have to wait just a little longer to see if the treatments worked and if the lymph nodes go down some more.

I have total and complete faith in Dr. Angel and that he cured me so if I have to wait I have to wait...

He did say that he might want me to have the lymph glands taken out.

okie dokie

well....I'm being a little flip about it....it's actually fairly serious surgery because they lymph glands are right by my carotid artery so there's that...

He called the surgeon and they decided they will decide in 6 weeks...

okie dokie

In the meantime I get to enjoy my life...have a much better Christmas than last year and continue to recover from the Gertie the Hernia removal surgery.

Dr. Angel said I looked good and healthy and could not feel the lymph glands when he felt for them and he was amazed at how good the skin on my neck looked because it did not look one bit like I had radiation.

(that's because I used Rodan + Fields "Soothe" cream on my neck and it was a miracle cream...if you know anyone who will be having radiation please tell them to find a friend who is an R+F rep (or me) and get the Soothe line to protect their skin. He's now going to recommend it to patients...)

So for now...

GOOD NEWS!!!!!

OK people it's time to dance...that's all of you...so right now get up and do some dancing because I don't get to dance with NED for 6 more weeks so I need all of you to dance with me now...

Dance like Snoopy....or any of the Peanuts...
Dance like Ren in Footloose
Dance like Fred Astaire in anything...or Gene Kelly...
Do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson
Walk like an Egyptian...
Be Cyd Charisse and vamp it up a bit...
Dance like Napoleon Dynamite did for Pedro...

just DANCE!!!!

(you there in the back just standing there with your arms crossed---I said to DANCE DAMMIT)

I know I did...I danced all the way to my car in my high heeled booties....

I've waited for this since April when I finished chemo...
but then I had to have radiation

I've waited for this since early September...
but then there was the pesky lymph glands in my neck and more radiation

So now I get good news.

So
Now
I
Get
Good
News

I was freaking out on the way to the doc so I called Twirler Girl and had her give me some moral support. She's fought hard along with me to make sure I am ok (and that I got to keep my hair). She had a good feeling about it but I was nervous. I've been tired lately and had some tummy issues (I see now that was all STRESS) and I was freaked out because Dr. Rockstar's office called and said I had an appointment with her on Monday so I was totally convinced she was seeing me because it was bad news (as it turns out it was just a coincidence that I got the call about it this morning...but it was a scary coincidence...)

Then I freaked out on my Aunt Jane...

And then I had to wait an hour and half for my Dr. Angel so basically I was put in time out and I calmed the hell down.

They put me in the back exam room and I realized it might be so that no one could hear me scream....good or bad....

But my precious Dr. Angel walked in with a smile and I knew he was happy....

and if he's happy...

I'm gonna be happy...

So now I wait.

This is what I plan to do with my extra time I have now...
time that I don't have to sit and worry about my cancer...or endlessly go to the Med Center...

I'm going to:
costume Legally Blonde
finish my Christmas decor (a few things left to do)
organize my closet better
file all my medical stuff I have just piled up
finish my Christmas shopping
cook glorious food for my kids
enjoy time with my kids and family
have fun with friends
return to Revolution (Dec 30)
spin and do yoga as much as possible
take great naps on weekends
take a carload of stuff to Goodwill
blog more for therapy
continue my diet but enjoy some treats
organize things in my house that have become disorganized this year
sleep peacefully
pray more each day

and be damn grateful for the life I have been given.

I can wait 6 weeks to hear I am clear of cancer...

Cancer has taught me patience (except not about missing my workouts...I am impatient to get back to my bike and mat).

I've learned so much through this journey and I have discovered so much about myself.

El Diablo was the hardest thing I have ever had to battle.

I had to do things I never thought I would do to kill this cancer. Needles and tests and exams and laying dead still on a table while radiation is aimed at my body...

I've said it before and I will say it again---you never know how strong you are until you are tested.

I've been through deaths, a divorce, raising kids----but this tested me like nothing before.

And I didn't realize until Dr. Angel told me that things were looking good at just how much all of this has been weighing on me.

I was terrified of dying...of leaving my children....of dying before I really knew what it felt like to be loved and love again...

And now to think that I can actually dare to hope to have a future....to maybe share a life with someone....to see my kids get married and have children of their own...

Life is never predictable or what we expect it to be.

You can't plan your life and guarantee that it will all turn out exactly as you planned it.

No one has that kind of control.

We are tested and challenged...

We have unexpected joys and blessings...

the road is never straight...you have curves and hills to negotiate...

Life is unpredictable.

When I was a little girl I thought I would grow up, go to college, get married, have 2 kids and some pets and live a happy life...

and that happened...

but I never imagined a divorce, losing my parents so young and cancer...

little girls playing with their Barbie dreamhouse don't think about those things...

But as an adult as I saw my marriage unravel and then as I saw my health deteriorate I had to face challenges that no little girl imagines she will have.

I had cancer...

(I'm pretty sure it is gone so I am going to claim it)

And an Angel and a Rockstar and God made it go away...

I don't know why I got so lucky...how I got to be the girl who had cancer and kept her hair and doesn't look sick and got to have a future...

Why me?

Why am I so blessed?

I have no clue...

But I'll take it!

Now excuse me while I go and practice my tango...I want to be ready when NED comes to get me for that dance...

Inspiration Song: "Angels Among Us" by Alabama...yeah I know they are country but when my kids were in middle school and GOTT was directing the choir they always sang this song....and for me my doctors are my Angels...and one LITERALLY IS...

And here is the chorus to the song...it speaks to me so deeply now:

Oh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love.



Bye darlings....I have been blessed to have angels in my life and most especially now when I have needed to be cured but also to show me love and guidance and patience...angels surround you and me...open your eyes---they are there! I have no clue why I am so blessed---but it must be the angels who surround me....and the Angel who cured me with God's help and love...





Sunday, December 3, 2017

High Hopes

Hello Darlings...

It's the holiday season...

I'm hoping to get my Christmas present on December 7.

I have a scan tomorrow...and on the 7th I see Dr. Angel and hopefully he will tell me that I am clear of my horrible cancer.

Wouldn't that be like the best gift ever?

(it also means I won't be endlessly blogging about my cancer....I can move on to other things...like food...and diet...and exercise...and being boyfriendless...yipee!)

I long for normalcy...

I am very ready to not see the Medical Center for a while...

I can't wait to not have a month where I am poked by needles or scanned by some sort of machine...

I live for the day that I can realize it has been months since anyone cared what my hemoglobin count was, or what my blood pressure is (currently excellent thank you spin, yoga, good eating), or if my CA125 count is under 20.

I look forward to maintenance: just having the occasional scan and going in every 6-8 weeks to get my port flushed...

Oh that will be lovely...

So I am in a 4 day anxiety ridden rollercoaster....

Tomorrow I get the MRI of my neck...

then I...

W
A
I
T

and wait and wait and wait...

it's less than 72 hours but it will feel like 72 days...

The last time I had this little dance of scan/go see Dr. Angel I had high hopes...

high high high high high hopes

I went in dressed in a twirly little dress and heels and my brightest happy lipstick on and champagne at home chilling in the fridge...

the champs is still there...

w
a
i
t
i
n
g

I danced into the radiation therapy department fully convinced that I was going to hear awesome news and that I was going to be free of all the treatments and I could schedule my hernia repair and finish out the last quarter of the year quietly...

but no...

God said "Ha!"

God had other plans for me...

because He wasn't done burnishing me with the cancer...

notice I said "burnishing" and not burning...

burnishing is polishing...

it makes things shinier....

glossier....

it beautifies an object....

and in my case, a person...

He has used my cancer as a way for me to grow and improve...

to smoothe away my rough edges and make me shiny.

I needed a little more under the lens of cancer to transform me into the Anice2.0 I needed to be...

or maybe it is 3.0 because I think of Anice2.0 as the me that left the ex.

In any case Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar and I were not done fighting.  We had more work to do.

And I am damn blessed because if Dr. Angel had not seen the cancer in those lymph glands it might have spread and my story could have turned out very very different.

So hopefully when I see my precious Dr. Angel on Thursday I will see on his face that there is good news....I know from the look in his eyes if all is well...

I know he is waiting and anticipating too...I was told I needed to do my scan in the same building as radiation therapy---that way he gets the scans quickly.

And one of the nurses I dearly love there (oh who am I kidding I love them all..) called me Friday to confirm I was having the scan and that I would be in on Thursday.

I told her we were going to have a dance party on Thursday so get ready to celebrate.

I have done as much as I possibly could to drive my poor doctors crazy with this second round of radiation and chemo, the unplanned stay in the hospital because of my blood being so bad I needed transfusions, and my insistence at having the hernia repaired.

I think they are ready to be bored by my case...

So for now I face 3 great challenges:

1) I have to get into the MRI machine and since it's my neck well...yeah....fun in a tube!  Yoga breathing will help and so will praying...I am claustrophobic so this will be a challenge. I have had an MRI before but it was my knee and I wasn't all the way in the machine...

2) 68 hours of waiting...work will help, I also see my hernia surgeon so there is that distraction and you might get a lot of anxiety filled blogs from me...

3) preparing myself to face whatever the news is: good or bad...

I'm going to go into it feeling as positive as I did the last time...I want to walk in there with all the hope in the world that the news will be good and that I will have a reason to celebrate.

The champs is still in the fridge....I will have a reason to pop that cork!

I can't dwell on the "what if's".

It does not serve me to do that.

I have to focus on what lies ahead for me in a positive outcome and what I can do to honor the gift of life I have been given.

Last night I had a belated birthday celebration with very dear friends. As I looked around the table and saw two of my oldest friends and their children I could not help but feel that the greatest gift was to be loved.

I am loved and truly nothing compares to that.

I want to share and spread that love and I want to be a beacon of it.

I want my kids, my students, my friends, my family, and all who know me to see me as a warrior who won but continues to fight with love...

I am not a perfect person.

I have made many many mistakes.

I have done many things I am not proud of.

But I will be proud of this fight and how I handled it.

I've had moments of doubt and true real fear but for the most part I have girded myself with the attitude that I must fight on and keep moving forward and face each challenge as it comes.

Every day we wake up and there are challenges before us.

Some might be as minor as running out of coffee (that's what Dunkin and Starbucks are for) and others might be as large as taking an important test or making an important presentation.

But if before our feet hit the floor we thank God for our blessings and we take a moment to say to ourselves "this will be a good day" (or if you are like me most days, because I am Christian, I say "this is the day that the Lord has made...I will rejoice and be glad in it").

If we START positive we will finish in glory...

And that is how I see this battle I have fought...

I started it with saying I would win...

and I will finish it (hopefully) on Thursday in full glory....

and maybe smothering my doctor in hugs and making him dance around the room with me....

Whether it is a day, a week, or a year (like this cancer has been) if we start positively and finish with joy then even if we don't come out on top we are still winners because we did all we could.

When my gyno called to tell me it was cancer I told her "I will beat it" and she said "yes you will".

When I had a day I cried to Dr. Angel that I was terrified of what I had read on the internet about my cancer he said he fully believed that I was going to be ok. And I believe him. I hold on to that.

So for the next few days fill social media with joy for me to keep me distracted. Pray for me and my doctors. Send up happy thoughts. Do good for others in my name. Share love as much as possible because we will all feel that in the universe.

And tomorrow at about 3 pm CST pray as hard as you can that I will not freak out in the MRI and that my scan will be clear....El Diablo needs to vamos...

I used to not be fond of being challenged.

It usually made me mad and I made bad decisions because I don't like to compete (and lose).

I've had myself challenged physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually with this disease.

I have overcome all and I sit victorious ready to claim my crown.

(and we all know just how much I love a crown)

I will win this battle...and I have a strong feeling that Thursday will be the day that cancer lays down the gauntlet and admits defeat to me.

And I will put on the crown, declare El Diablo to be forever banished from my kingdom, and I will rule as the Unicorn Glitter Princess...

be ready for a whole lot of sparkle y'all....

Inspiration Song; "High Hopes" as sung by the one and only Frank Sinatra...Old Blue Eyes did it best and just like that ant I will move the rubber tree plant that is my cancer...

Bye Darlings---prayers please...It will take all my will to handle that MRI and then patiently wait to see my Dr Angel....