Well I have had a little over 48 hours to digest my diagnosis and pathology results.
And yeah...it still sucks...
But I have had some time to come to some acceptance about it.
I don't like it at all but I can't change it.
I've spent some time with the "why me?" part of all of this.
Why do I have cancer?
I actually asked my oncologist that the other day...I asked her if I got this from something I did, or if it was birth control pills, or something in my life that made this happen.
Her answer was:
And then she said it was just bad luck...
And it was bad luck I got it...but good luck it was found.
Obviously it has been in my body for a bit of time. But she also said it was aggressive.
Last March I started to feel "off".
I wasn't myself.
I felt tired and sluggish and just generally not healthy.
I couldn't lose a pound despite high calorie burn workouts and lots of core strengthening yoga. I literally was burning 1000 calories more than I was eating and no weight off...
I went to my internist and I had high blood pressure.
So I went on blood pressure meds.
And then the cardiologist....and my heart is fine...
and then the endocrinologist...and she couldn't find anything wrong...
and my gynecologist---and everything was just fine (you can't find my kind of cancer in a normal appointment and with no symptoms)
I was "checking out" but not feeling good.
Now I know why...
So I have been trying to figure out how to turn this shit around...how I can make what happened to me help others.
I can't just have cancer and it all be about me.
I'm not that girl.
I have to use this in some way to make things better in the world.
That's the girl I am...
I must say that I have loved and appreciated all the love and care and prayers you have sent my way. I really do appreciate it. There is nothing greater than to feel loved by those you love...
But I have to make this work for the world.
I have to do more than just get people to go get checkups...
I need to inspire bravery so I can be brave...
I need to inspire love so it will spread...
I need to inspire hope so that others will have hope too
and I need to fight like hell so I can live and go on with my life...
I don't want to lose my hair so I am trying to be proactive about that.
I learned that in some cases wearing an ice cap during chemo helps patients to retain their hair.
Well, then I will do it...even if it means I don't get any vacations for the next two years I will do what it takes to keep my hair.
It's not cheap but I don't need to fly anywhere.
I need my hair.
So you want to peek at what is going on in my head all the time since I got the diagnosis?
It goes like this:
You have cancer.
No I don't.
Yes, you have cancer.
it's not just a hysterectomy...she took out cancer.
are you sure it's cancer? because I feel just fine.
Nope, it's cancer.
well shit...I have cancer.
I don't want to lose my hair.
I love my hair.
I will look like a bowling ball without hair.
I am going to be single and alone the rest of my life because of this. Who will want cancer girl? Especially with no hair
yeah no hair will suck
i hate wigs...I can only stand them for 2 minutes.
I hate hats...I look awful in hats.
I want to keep my hair.
how the hell did I get cancer?
It's on a loop that repeats in my head.
I worry about my kids
I worry about my students
I worry that I won't be able to work and we have a show
I worry that I will lose my insurance
I worry that my 10K deductible (yes, you read that right) will make me unable to pay for my kids school.
I worry that my insurance will decide not to renew in the middle of my treatments and then where will I be.
I am self insured.
Oh and let's add that my ex is zero help paying for the kids so what money I have is all going to them because he won't help because he says he doesn't have it (yet he can take out his girlfriend...hmmmm)
So yeah...cancer and tuition...
it's a great combination to make for a very fearful woman.
I'm trying not to be afraid of all of that on top of the damn cancer.
I know that if I go into this with a positive attitude and from health (other than the cancer) that I will not only beat it but I will thrive.
So that's what I am gonna do....
I'm going back to my workouts as soon as the doc says I can.
I am going to feed myself good and healthy things
I am researching alternative therapies to use in conjunction with the chemo (don't worry I will have the chemo...I'm not running off to Mexico to have a shaman wave sage over me and say I am cured)
I am researching how to keep my hair so I can look good while I fight and beat this.
I've had a lot of people offer to bring me food.
thank you so much but instead of feeding me, please please please put that toward feeding hungry people in our city!
I don't need the food.
So if you want to "feed" me---donate to the red barrels or give to a shelter or give to an organization that feeds hungry kids.
I don't need casseroles or other food. I am really weird about what I eat. I like to cook and even if I don't feel like cooking after chemo I have a game plan. I do eat out but again it's because I am choosing to do so. I need to be in control of something and I like to watch what I am eating so I really just want to take care of my own meals. I know I am weird but that's how I am...so instead just donate what you would have spent making me a lasagne and give it to No Kid Hungry or something like that!
And if I do need food, I know who to call...but I am pretty sure I have that one covered.
I'm planning to cook my kids a prime rib for Christmas 2 days after chemo.
I will do it.
Because I won't let cancer rob me of our tradition.
And I will eat tamales on Christmas Eve...because I have eaten tamales on Christmas Eve my whole life and chemo and cancer won't rob that from me.
I've had people offer to drive me to and from chemo. I'm so blessed. I have a squad that will be my #teamprincesscancer drivers to take me to go and get the poison. I'm even splitting it so no one has to be responsible for the whole 8 hour ordeal.
And I only have to do it 6 times.
I'm making plans...I am making plans because cancer can't keep me from my life.
I'm doing good...as good as I can with cancer.
I saw my students yesterday....they are marvelous medicine for my soul and spirit.
And my son is here and my daughter will be soon so my heart is soaring because the ones I love most in this world are here with me.
I have a good life.
Cancer is trying to take it from me or at least really screw it up.
But you see...cancer doesn't know who it messed with.
Because I am a badass bitch that won't give up.
I don't let things go that I am passionate about.
I don't give up.
I will fight with everything I have...
Because I have to.
I can't let cancer win.
I have too much to lose.
I can make a difference in this world and I will use what is happening to me to make this world a better safer and more loving place.
I will take all the love that is given to me and send it right back out into this world.
Because I still have a lot of fight left in me...
(and don't forget to donate food to hungry people...you do that for me people...I need that a lot more than I need a lasagna or a pot roast)
Inspiration Song: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. I used to sorta hate this song...but now it has become my fight song...
here are the lyrics:
Bye Darlings...I have so much fight left in me that you haven't even begun to see what I can do...I'm gonna send out big waves of love and positivity and I sure as hell won't let anything make me back down...