Monday, December 22, 2014

Where Are You Christmas?

Hello Darlings!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! 

My Christmas spirit is or was in full swing until recently...make that tonight...

The tree is up and decorated, I have little touches of décor here and there...

the stockings are hung by the chimney with care...

(oh no I am starting to sound like Dr. Seuss again with the rhyming...totally unintentional..)

I can't seem to find my desire to wrap gifts and one of these days those darn "wrap the packages" elves are going to show up here to Casa Bonita and wrap the gifts while I am sleeping...

I was even getting ready to write a blog called "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (yes, it is a REAL song...I actually thought it was something that Craig Ferguson and the Late Late Show made up for Betty White but lo and behold it appeared on a list of Christmas on iTunes so it is a real song...who knew?)

But that will have to wait...

Because I need to vent...

a lot

like a lot a lot...

Two things to know before you read this and think "WOW she is under the influence"...

1) I have had exactly 2 ounces of wine...no more...and now am imbibing the powerful drug "Aand W 10 Root Beer" (diet and caffeine free root beer) and the wine is put well out of reach so I can't say I was drunk...

2) I had a proper amount of sleep last night, ate healthy meals, and did my spin class (so I don't stab people)...in other words I am well-rested, not "hangry" and got the endorphins going ("Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people don't just shoot their husbands...they just don't." Thank you Elle Woods and the knowledge gleaned from "Legally Blonde" one of my very favorite movies...)

So in other words I am of sound mind and not under the influence of anything other than a wicked spin session and a lot of sweat...

which I showered off...

so I am a clean, well-rested, well-fed endorphin fueled person...

But like I said...

I need to vent

and this blog is my therapy and once again you are along for the ride and I have no idea where this is going but I do know it will keep me from stabbing someone...

you poor people...

you have had to read a lot of therapy lately...

So why all the drama?

Because today I got fed up with the ex letting his GIRFRIEND'S schedule decide ours...

yup

I have been asking him for weeks to talk to me about Christmas and who gets the kids at what time...but he kept putting me off

Christmas Eve is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW

I got a little tired of not being able to know when I was feeding people...

Here's the deal...I will try and put this "background info" into one paragraph:

My parents were divorced and I hated like hell being shuttled about and since they lived in two different places it was an ordeal...it involved planes or hours upon hours in the car.  I didn't want my kids to suffer feeling like they were in the middle of a tug-of-war so the ex and I agreed to just "share Christmas and make plans based on what is best for them and what is going on at that time".  In other words we did not put into our divorce decree "the children shall be with their mother from 2:00 pm Christmas Eve until 11:00 am Christmas day blah blah blah blah blah...lots of legal jargon and more money to the attorneys so they could hash it out...".  We were good with that.

Up until this year we have kept it free and easy and because I am the world's nicest ex-wife I have always cooked a big meal like we always had and have invited the ex to join us.  And every year he has. 

I did invite him this year...for the kids...not because I particularly wanted the man I divorced sitting at my dining room table at holiday time.

More background:

I ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE. 

I hadn't been in love with him for years. 

I never have wavered on my decision to divorce and never ever wanted him back.

I have never looked at him and thought "maybe we should try again" or "wow I gave that up"...

he's a nice man but I don't want him

I am NOT IN THE LEAST BIT JEALOUS of his girlfriend.  She can have him.  I am grateful for her presence in his life because she keeps him occupied and I get more of The Cutest Boy in the World.  I like it that he seems less concerned with me and my doings because he is occupied...

I am a bit jealous that he has someone and I am alone but that has no part in my feelings about this...that is just a "I'm a better catch so why am I alone" feeling...because it would be nice to have someone to drink eggnog with and look at Christmas lights with while we drive through the neighborhood in his big ass truck...

But some day that big-ass truck driving man will come along...I'm so not worried about that right now...there is time for that down the line...I have a boy to raise...and spin classes to sweat in...and Pippin costumes to make and cats to cuddle...

So for weeks now I have said to him "we need to discuss Christmas" and for weeks now he has changed the subject or said "I don't know my plans yet".

In the past the kids have gone to lunch with him on Christmas Eve and have returned Christmas Eve evening to have our traditional tamales for dinner.  Sometimes the ex has even stayed for that.

I usually have the kids Christmas morning and then their dad shows up early afternoon and we have a nice dinner and usually they go off with him or sometimes Kesha Barbie stays with me and TCBITW goes with his dad and they go to the ranch.

That is what has happened these last 3 Christmases...

But I have always asked their dad what he wants and how he wants to do it to be fair...and he knows Christmas Eve tamales are a biiiiig deal with me and that is one I won't back down on...

So I figured it would be the same this year...

but I couldn't pin him down...

and so tonight I told him "I will not let my schedule be dictated by a third party.  I am feeding the kids their Christmas dinner on Christmas at some point.  Please tell me when that will be"

his answer: "I dunno"

So I said: "fine...I am feeding my kids prime rib at 2.  You are welcome to join us"

he said "well....I'm not sure..."

I cut him off and said "that is when we are eating...if you want them that morning before then I will send them to you after tamales"...

him: "well...."

Me: "just tell me tomorrow when you want them other than Christmas Eve dinner and 2:00 on Christmas day for their meal...if you MUST have them earlier and for lunch Christmas Day then do so and I will have dinner at 8:00 for us but for the love of God please just decide and let me know tomorrow..."

him: "ummmm...."

me: "my kids and I will have our meals...no third party is deciding that..." and then I said goodnight.

The kids have met the girlfriend.

I have no idea how serious things are but so far all I know is that they have met her.  They say she is nice...

Glad to hear it..no seriously I am GLAD to hear it...I want nice people around my kids...

But until they are married I will not consider HER timing into when I plan to be with my kids.

It is HIS choice to hang with her...but my children should not be asked to spend holiday time with a woman they have met exactly once.

If they are going to be with a woman...

THAT WOMAN WILL BE ME

When they have a step-mother I will agree to share time based on all 3 of our schedules...because family time is important and if my children have step-siblings I am a big believer in being a WHOLE family...you know...all that Brady bunch stuff...

I will totally work with that...

because who knows...someday I may be a step-mother and I don't want the Cinderella Wicked Step-mother karma to come and bite me in the ass...

marriage is one thing...

dating is another...

and right now until the kids have spent a good deal more time with her and her family and she and the ex are indeed in a relationship that will lead to something permanent...

well then by golly I won't let HER visitation schedule affect MINE...

and right now that is where I am...the kids' dad won't help me plan because he isn't sure what is going on with her...

My kids aren't going to be bartered...they have a right to enjoy their holiday with both parents...

and I don't want trouble or bad feelings...

and I don't have bad feelings...

just frustration because the man won't make a decision

oh yeah---that was reason #12 why I divorced him...one of 1, 234, 467...."he is bad at making decisions"...

My children and I have ADD...we need things to be structured and laid out so we can function...I can be flexible and I can be very spontaneous...but for things like this I need to plan and know what is happening when...holidays and vacations must be that way...

he also was a grinch about the holidays and never really participated...no helping decorate and almost no shopping...

so I always made plans for us and we just rolled with it...

and that is what I have done this year...

I still want to give him choices and work around him...but I am not doing so being told at the last minute...I'm not waiting until Christmas Eve to decide what we are doing...I need more structure than that.

I don't want the holidays to stress my kids like it did me...I want it to be a joyous time for us...and I want them to spend time with their dad as well as me...

My kids are my life...they are my world...they are the reason I get up every morning...they are my oxygen...they are my purpose in life...

they are my everything...

I am a giving person...

I share...

I always have....

I am a big believer that they need parents who get along well and don't use them as weapons...

I will do everything in my power to make sure they never feel like a pawn in some game with me and their dad...

He is as important to them as I am

But they need structure and I need structure...it's an ADD thing...

and I need to know when I am pulling the prime rib out of the damn fridge....

I'm not asking for more time than he has...I am not asking for it to all be what I want...

I just need to know WHEN THE HELL THEY ARE WITH ME

Oh...and did I mention that he had the gall to ask me for half of my nice Christmas ornaments?  The ones he made fun of when I purchased them...the ones that are gifts from friends...the ones I put up on the tree and removed myself...the ones he never touched or looked at...the ones I searched for and thoughtfully purchased on each vacation and carefully packed so they wouldn't break...so that I could remember each trip when I put them on the tree..

really?

um...

NO

3 years ago I gave him a set of ornaments that were ones I had purchased for the kids to "give" him or where ones from his boss...but that was it...the rest I shopped for or were given to me...

ok now I am really ranting...but I had to get that off my chest too...

Please know I am being as nice as I can about this...I haven't raised my voice to him or said anything bitchier than "I won't let my schedule be dictated by a third party".

I am still willing to give him choices in the timing...I do not ever want to have to make a formal agreement about this...our kids are pretty much adults (Kesha Barbie is 21 and TCBITW is almost 17) so nothing formal is needed...

but I just needed to know I wasn't crazy for asking for a schedule since it now we are just a day from Christmas Eve...

I needed to vent

I needed to rant

I needed time for the wrapping elves to show up (they didn't)

(and i love the irony of the fact that he won't figure out his timing but has spent the last hour comparing our children's PSAT scores and figuring out what the 5 questions our son missed were...priorities...)

ok...thanks for listening...

we now return you to your regularly scheduled Christmas joy and maybe tomorrow I will blog about why I want a hippo for Christmas (not really...please...no hippos...3 cats makes me a crazy cat lady...heaven knows what a hippo would make me...)

Inspiration Song: "Where Are You Christmas" from the film "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"...the Jim Carrey one...the one where little Cindy Lou Who played by Taylor Momsen sings the song...and that little girl grew up to have a kind of gnarly rock band...who knew?

Bye Darlings...I know where my Christmas is because I took a stand...and I want my kids to have their time with their dad too...but kids need structure and so do I...it's not just because of our ADD...it's because they are children and not pawns...no one is using them as pawns here but that is what I am trying to make sure never happens...so learn from me...be kind but set structure...











Sunday, December 7, 2014

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Hi Darling!

So Thanksgiving is so over and done...

Are you joining me in my Thanksgiving Resolution Revolution?

I'm trying my best to keep to it...I actually am doing better with it than if it was a New Year's Resolution...

I'm bound and determined not to regret the holidays this year...well not the holidays but every single morsel I put into my mouth and the laziness that follows...

So far no egg nog has entered Casa Bonita...

yet...

But also so far there is no décor in Casa Bonita...

that is because all my decorations are locked in storage at the movers...I'm hoping that by tomorrow they will have located all the stuff that is in the vault (a huge wooden box they keep it in) and will call me to tell me to come and get it...

The only decorations I have with me right now are two small pre-lit trees that are on either side of my fireplace...and for some reason Dragon is terrified of them---but only when they are turned on...

I want to have a whole "Griswold Light Show" outside but thus far I have been unable to locate C-9 lights anywhere...I have the clips, I have had the yard man cut back the bushes...I even have someone who will put them up for me...

but no lights

I think I am going to have to order some online...maybe I can get them up by December 24...

Decorating for Christmas has always been an ordeal for me...

when I was first married I didn't realize I had married the Grinch...the ex never ever wanted to help me with decorating...he could have cared less about it all

so he didn't help at all...

it was like pulling teeth to get him to even carry a tree in...I think he helped pick one out...

once...

After years of suffering sinus infections and feeling awful during the holidays I discovered that I am allergic to Christmas trees...between the pollen and the microscopic mold that grows on them my allergies kick in to high gear and I am sick from the day the tree comes in until it dies...

My allergist told me to "wash" the tree...

yes...

wash the tree...

I tried it once and it was a colossal pain in the you-know-what...

And after years of having no help with the live tree and getting the ex to help me get the tree out (and no not even once did he ever put an ornament on or take one off) I gave up and decided I needed a faux tree if I was going to survive...and not have a dead tree in the living room for the month of January...

Had I known I was marrying someone who would never ever help me with decorating for Christmas I might have saved myself a lot of aggravation...

The problem wasn't just that he wouldn't help...

it was that I kept expecting him to change and decide one year that he would help....

So it really wasn't his fault...he was as he was and he wasn't changing...

I was just frustrated that he wasn't changing...and I was wrong to expect it..

(so let's just add "wants to help decorate for Christmas" to my "this is what I want in a man" list along with dimples, blue eyes, looks a bit like Steve McQueen and drives a truck...yeah, that'll do...)

My ex-husband's mother had atrocious taste...like it was so bad you almost thought she was being ironic with it...so his memories of Christmas décor are all tied up in aluminum trees and ornaments that were so awful that they weren't even fun in a "these are so ugly they are cool" way...

it was just bad

like "are we being punked" bad...

and his cousin, who I totally love and adore, is one of those women you might find on a tv show about crazy Christmas décor because literally every room in her house (and garage) has a tree in it and there is a theme to every room...and snow village houses in every room...and the most amazing humongous snow village set-up in the garage.

It is jaw-dropping

When she and her girlfriend were building the house they put in extra plugs for the Christmas décor and built a storage room for it all.

They even have a village in their bathroom...they cover the tub with plywood and put a village in there...and a gorgeous Victorian themed tree in their bedroom

not kidding

it's awesome...and I miss going to their house at Christmas and admiring it all...

I came from a family that had every room perfectly decorated (I think my mom had decorators help when I was young) and it was all perfectly coordinated and gorgeous...and the whole house always had lights on outside...perfectly outlining the roof...

my mother often hosted Holiday teas when I was young and so the house was perfectly done...

my mom had fairly flawless taste and she made a lot of wreaths and could get her entire house decorated in a matter of hours...

One year she moved into a new house in early-mid December and discovered her tree wouldn't fit and had accidently stored some of her décor

so she went out and bought a new tree and had the house completely ready for Christmas 3 days after moving in

not kidding...

So when I became an adult and got married and had my own house I wanted to be like my mom...

I wanted lights on the outside...and because I am afraid of heights I knew I would never get them on the roof...and the ex was having nothing to do with it nor would he let me pay someone to do it.

So I found lights I could put into stakes and line the driveway...

except we didn't have power out there at the time...

sigh...

I continued to decorate for my own pleasure and then when the kids came I decorated to add to their joy of the holiday...

and for a few years I got some help out of the kids but for the most part they would stick on a few ornaments and get quickly bored.

A couple of years ago The Cutest Boy in the World had a darling little girlfriend.  She was adorable and she was Jewish.

She had never decorated a Christmas tree...

So with her parent's blessing she, and her sweet mama, came over and she and her mom helped me put some ornaments on the tree.

She had a great time and it was fun sharing a tradition with someone who had not experienced it before....and when my son broke up with her I think I was as heartbroken as she was...

When my mother passed away all the joy of the holidays left me...

I couldn't face decorating at all...and putting out the decorations I had gotten from her was more than I could bear...

So we went to Disneyworld and enjoyed their décor...

This went on for a couple of years...the only décor I put out was the stockings...that was it...

Weirdly the kids didn't care and the ex was relieved I wasn't whining about him not helping me...

and he was overjoyed that the 400 (ok not 400 but it seemed like it) little lit porcelain houses were not having to be on display and me spending all my time setting up perfect Snow Villages...

But once we split up I decided that I was going to find my joy again and since I had always done it alone I could handle it myself...

So I bought a new tree and decorated to my hearts content...

and the year I had my surgery the day after Xmas my housekeeper gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another...

SHE PUT AWAY ALL MY CHRISTMAS STUFF FOR ME

yes, I wept with joy at that one...

I have great memories of holiday decorating during my childhood.

It was always a big deal when we got to drive to Corpus Christi and go pick out a huge tree for the house.  My dad almost never came with us because he loved waiting in the driveway to "receive" the tree and tell us what a great job we did picking it out...

he was only unhappy with our choice one year because we desperately wanted a flocked tree and he hated them...

I think I remember my mom going back for a green one...

My dad loved decorating the tree...

and each and every year he would break at least one ornament

My mom had purchased some ornaments back in the 60's that were apparently outrageously expensive (in my father's eyes) and quite delicate...

mind you these were not Radko's...and as I recall there were about 2 dozen of them and they were hideous (or at least I remember them as hideous but at the time they may have been pretty)

They were class oblong shaped with gold tinsel twisted inside of them

and every single year my dad dropped one and it would break

every.single.year.

I think he did it on purpose

When my parents divorced and we moved to Houston my mom didn't put out some of the ornaments like that for many years...I think it made her sad...

But when I came home from college one year I found a box of ornaments we hadn't touched in years and brought it out....

we had a great time reminiscing about the ornaments in the box and we put them on the tree...including the one surviving ornament of the ones my dad broke...

the year he died (1984) we were heartbroken to open the box and find some of the ornaments were broken

and smashed, in the bottom of the box, was the last of the gold tinsel ornaments he hated so much

I think Daddy had the last laugh

I burst into tears and then started to laugh so much I think I actually pee'd myself...

it was like a sweet little message from him letting us know he was still with us...

and he still hated those ornaments...

I don't have but one ornament that I put on the tree left over from my childhood...

it is a "sputnik"

(and for those of you too young to understand it is an ornament that is basically a small center ball with beaded pins sticking out from it...so it looked like the Russian space satellite)

I made it along with my friends Merry Mary Lee and Joyful Janet...Joyful Janet's mom helped us make them and we had such fun doing them

And I hope Merry Mary Lee and Joyful Janet still have theirs...because I always think of them when I see mine...

I used to do a tree entirely done with purple ornaments (because it is my favorite color)...it was obnoxious...

it was in my living room and it looked like drag queens and showgirls had a brawl and the tree was the result of that fight...

it sparkled

My tree in my den was always ornaments I had collected on our travels and gifts from friends...

this year I am going to combine the drag queen purple with the Radko and travel explosion and see how it turns out...

if the movers can locate my stuff...

It's fun having a new place to decorate...and Dragon is more than ready to climb all over the greenery and décor...

It needs to look a little more like Christmas here in Casa Bonita...I want to remember the joy I had with my parents and even though they aren't here to celebrate the holidays with me I have the memories of those times from my past and I know that they are sending me their love from heaven

and I just now purchased 4 vintage ornaments on eBay...they aren't EXACTLY like the ones my Daddy broke but they are as close to them as possible...

because I don't want it to just look like Christmas here...I want it to look like my childhood too so I can have my Mom and Daddy with me this year and always....

Inspiration Song: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" written by Meredith Wilson (yes I found a way to sneak musical theater in---he wrote "The Music Man").  Various artists have recorded it and my favorites are Bing Crosby, Perry Como and Michael Buble's versions...because I am hoping that by writing this I will be inspired to get my decorating done ASAP...

Bye Darlings...is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas at your house?  It's snuck up on me this year and before we know it, it will be here...and so will Hanukkah...so may this season bring you blessings and the delights of childhood...and only one broken ornament or two...



Monday, December 1, 2014

Revolution

Hello Darlings...

So you all know (because I endlessly blog of my love for it) that I spin at a place called Revolution Studios and that I love it, the instructors, the team there and the classes so very much...

So I was inspired by what I am getting at Rev to write this particular blog to inspire you...

I had a little thought on the bike the other day when I was taking the Post-Turkey Day class...and we were all working hard to work off our pie...which was not pie in my case but wine...

and before I get into just what my epiphany on the bike was I have to whine a bit about why I needed wine...

I had a little bit...ok maybe close to a bottle...that day thanks to the ex.

Being  the world's nicest ex-wife I had invited him over for Thanksgiving Dinner...not because I wanted him there but because I did not want my son to have to make a choice about where he had his turkey...

but my son didn't want turkey so we had prime rib...

so I didn't want him to have to choose where he had his...prime rib...

I got home from spin (had to pay it forward for the meal I was going to indulge in and Marvelous Mel was just the ticket for that) and started to work on the late lunch we had planned and I opened up an excellent bottle of Orin Swift Abstract...

yummy...

and here I am with this giant Fred Flinstone sized prime rib and I am getting the Yorkshire pudding together and I get a text...

from the ex

because he got a better offer....

woooooooo hoooooooo

I poured myself a second glass of wine...

not because I was mad...

oh hell no...I was dancing around the kitchen...

I think I did the running man and maybe even a cabbage patch or two...

and yes "The Carlton" definitely happened...

so once I was done dancing in the kitchen (which by the way is a great disco and has a crystal chandelier over the kitchen island...but sadly not a mirror ball) I got back to cooking and was a happy girl the rest of the day...

my ex is a nice man...I just was happy I had my son all to myself and more leftovers...

So on Friday when I was at spin class and we were all working off the damage from the day before I was reminded of how the holidays tend to kill us all...because Jen the Awesome was literally killing me and I was regretting my choices from the day before...

So I am there spinning and sweating and regretting the Yorkshire pudding I made and ate and I thought about what was ahead of us all during the holidays:

parties...

"gifts" of food...like the annual popcorn bucket someone sends you or the cookies from the neighbor

wine
wine
wine (or is that just me?)

holiday cooking

more parties

more holiday crap

CANDY and sweets we feel we should have because it is the Holidays...

you know what I am talking about....

And on January 2 we wake up (because we are too hung over on January 1 to think like this) and say:

I AM GOING ON A DIET AND I AM GOING TO IMPROVE MY FITNESS AND LIKE RUN A MARATHON OR SOMETHING THIS YEAR...I'M TOTALLY GOING IRONMAN THIS YEAR...AND THERE WILL BE YOGA....YES I WILL TAKE UP YOGA...AND PILATES...WHATEVER THE HELL PILATES IS...AND I'M GOING TO LOSE 10 LBS IN A WEEK AND BE TOTALLY LEAN AND FITTER THAN I WAS WHEN I WAS 20 AND I WILL ROCK A BIKINI THIS YEAR AND I AM ONLY GOING TO EAT HEALTHY GOOD FOOD...LIKE FROM WHOLE FOODS...JUST ORGANIC AND PERFECT STUFF...YES YES I WILL EAT LIKE THAT AND THERE WILL BE NO MORE WHATABURGER BUT THERE WILL BE PILATES...WHATEVER THE HELL PILATES IS...

yes, that is the resolution we all make...

been there done that like...well I am 50 so you do the math and deduct the years I didn't know what a resolution was...because we all know I can't do math...

and we all break it by...

January 3

So I had this little revolution about resolutions...

what if...

and bear with me here....

and don't send hate mail

and don't ask my daughter to sign my commitment papers (because she is now 21) because I have gone off the deep end...

but...

instead of throwing in the towel during the holiday...

what if:

we tried and PREVENT that holiday crash and burn and found ourselves giving a little more to our fitness and a little less to trips to the buffet

what if we paid it forward?

what if we made the resolution not a New Year's Resolution but a....

THANKSGIVING RESOLUTION REVOLUTION

in thanksgiving for the fact we are alive and healthy and do not need to slack off and just eat sand tarts and drink cocoa...

ok so go ahead and eat sand tarts and drink cocoa but maybe throw in an extra Crossfit class or two...

I'm going to try something new...try adding something to the mix to keep me going...

I'm trying yoga

ok stop laughing all of those who know me and know that I am sooooo not that quiet girl that can fold herself into a downward dog

whatever downward dog is...

and yes I still hear you laughing people...

go ahead because I am too...

but my friend Amazing Anna has this company that basically does this sort of a pop up yoga happening and I am going to try it and my friend MagicMike has promised he will be next to me to keep me going (or at least laughing)...he's MagicMike for a reason...

she's says there will be wine afterwards...

ok that right there is enough to make me go...

and apparently there is a DJ...and you know me and some good music...

I wonder if he plays Katy Perry?  Can you do yoga poses to "This is How We Do"?

probably not...but I bet there is no Enya either...

This is like party yoga and not scary yoga...

I can do that!

(and if you want to join me in this little adventure go to the Facebook page "We Play Everywhere" and "like" it...that way you will see when events are...)

I'm trying to expose myself to new things but I have to bear in mind that although my body is only 50 my knees act like they are 70...so I won't be doing any crossfit anytime soon and kickboxing is completely out of the question even though MarvelousMargaret would love me to join her in kicking and hurting people...she's a nice lady but she really really likes to kick and hurt people and do dangerous things...

And as for Zumba...I might dance in my kitchen but I'm keeping my boogying to the bike (I can twerk with the best of them when the lights are off) but there are too many turns and moves for my poor old knees...

And Rev has added a Friday Night Lights class with my sweet MagicMike as DJ/Spin tormentor and I plan to take in a few of those...might just do a double duty with Jen the Awesome in the morning and go back and hit it again with MagicMike at night...I don't have any Friday night dates so I might as well clip in and rock out...and at least I KNOW I will be doing something fun if I do that...

I also met Jason Wimberly (celebrity trainer and brand ambassador for Rev)  and I am totally in love with him and his high energy workouts.  I call him my Glitter Man.  He has DVD's for sale on his website (warning: his abs might make you want to shoot yourself) so if you are one of those people who don't have time to get someplace for a workout, order one...

http://wimberlean.com/

And if you already belong to a gym why not use this Thanksgiving Resolution Revolution time to check out something new...challenge yourself to try a group exercise class or try a class with a different instructor...

But I totally urge all of  you to give any and all of these activities a try...

who knows you might discover an activity you really love...

The problem is...

and maybe this is just me...

so many of us start the holiday season off with this giant meal full of delicious fattening food...and then we go into a food coma...and then we spend the rest of the weekend eating leftovers and remaining in a food coma...

and then all the holiday parties start and we just keep going...

it all becomes a big "what the hell!"...

and weekend workouts get dropped in favor of sleeping in because of the party the night before (but Rev at Memorial City has a 10:30 class for us sleepyheads...)...

I know all of this because it is exactly what happens to me every year...and then I want to shoot myself on January 2...

So this year I have resolved that I will not gain any holiday weight but will in fact lose a pound or two (trying to be reasonable here) and keep myself fit...all while indulging in a sandtart or two but not the whole box...

If you want to hold yourself accountable there are Apps out there that will do that for you...
I joined an App called "Pact"...each week you pledge to do a certain number of workouts...if you make your "pact" (do all of your workouts) you get paid...not big bucks...but a few bucks...but if you don't you get CHARGED...you decide how much you will get charged and it gets tied into your paypal account.  The hardest part is remembering to check in and out for each workout...I've earned a small bit of money (enough to buy a decent bottle of wine) and have not been charged anything..

It keeps me from slacking off...

you can get the App in the App Store...it's free...

So who's with me on this?

what...2 of you?

Seriously I want to hear from you...tell me how you are going to branch out and try something new and not let the holidays become the fall-off-the-wagon days and join me in my

THANKSGIVING RESOLUTION REVOLUTION

If enough of you try this and follow through and let me know how it's going (you can PM me) I will...

POST A PHOTO OF ME DOING YOGA

that right there should be enough incentive for at least one of you to do this with me so you can laugh yourself silly at me trying to be a pretzel...

and I might even let Darling DK convince me that I don't hate Pilates...whatever Pilates is (actually I know what Pilates is...and I hated it...but I am willing to try again...)

And for those of you who want to join me at Rev (I'm calling out you DowntownJulieBrown!) this is a great time to do it...get yourself hooked while we normally would be quaffing wassail (ok I don't know what the hell wassail is) and eating sand tarts (I keep mentioning sand tarts because KuteKaren bakes them and they are worth every calorie so I am hoping to convince her to give me 4...).

My THANKSGIVING RESOLUTION REVOLUTION is:
lose 1-2 lbs
at least 4 spin classes a week
try yoga
and maybe try pilates (Darling DK I need you!)
less sandtarts and more salmon...

my reward will be that I won't hate myself on January 2...

(but I might hate myself on January 1 if I let RoyBoy make me Fireballs again...)

So make this resolution with me...let's start a revolution...

or you can sit back and eat sand tarts and call me crazy...

either way it's all good...

I'm 50...I want to take care of this body so that maybe I can see 50 more years...and see my children turn 50 and if I can inspire JUST ONE OF YOU to try something new and not give up...

well...

I might just start a revolution...

Inspiration Song: "Revolution" by Diplo...you might have thought I meant the Beatles song (which is awesome and pretty perfect) but I am dedicating this song (first time I have done this) to KuteKim and my Revolution peeps and Amazing Anna who is starting her own revolution with yoga...because they started a revolution in me...and they are revolutionizing our community...

lyrics:
Can you see it?
The worst is over
The monsters in my head are scared of love
Fallen people listen up!
It's never too late to change our luck
So, don't let them steal your light (Eh eh eh eh)
Don't let them break your stride (Eh eh eh eh)
There is light on the other side
And you'll all the raindrops falling behind
It's a revolution
Make it out tonight
It's a revolution
It's a reva, rev
Can you see it?
The worst is over
The monsters in my head are scared of love
Fallen people listen up!
It's never too late to change our luck
So, don't let them steal your light (Eh eh eh eh)
Don't let them break your stride (Eh eh eh eh)
There is light on the other side
And you'll all the raindrops falling behind
It's a revolution
Make it out tonight
It's a revolution
It's a reva, rev
Oh oh, ooo oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh, ooo oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh, ooo oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh, ooo oh, oh oh oh
Rev, rev, rev, rev


Read more: Diplo - Revolution Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Bye Darlings...be a part of my Thanksgiving Resolution Revolution...or eat sand tarts...or both!  I can do both because I am going to not let the holidays kick me in the butt...I'm going to kick #holidaybinging in the butt...








Sunday, November 30, 2014

Birthday

Hello Darlings...

In case you missed it, during the month of November I officially became "old"...but I prefer to think of myself as "vintage"...like a fine wine...

yeah the big 5-0 happened

and although the world didn't come to an end, it did shake up MY life a bit...

I knew it was coming and I don't know why I let it bother me so much, but I will be honest:

IT DID

I loved being 40...I really did...and the day I turned 40 was last birthday I got to have with my mom so it was pretty much my last good birthday....

I considered very carefully how I wanted to approach the day.  And if you had told me 5 years ago that I would want to celebrate it by doing 2 spin classes back-to-back I would have said you were beyond crazy.

But that is what I did...

I turned down offers to go to dinner or have dinner made for me or a party given in my honor...

basically I turned down wine and vodka in favor of sweat

what the hell was I thinking?

But truly all I wanted to do was to prove to myself that 50 was a number and not a number that defined me and that I was capable of strong amazing things...and then to have dinner with the only man I truly really love---my son.

I would have killed to have had Kesha Barbie with me but she is up at her college in the northeast and getting her home was too much on her and me...we will celebrate both of our birthdays when she comes for Christmas...

as a child I loved my birthday...

my mom always gave us great parties so I had some fun times with people like MerryMaryLee and
JoyfulJanet when I was young (please note the happy names for happy birthdays)...I had slumber parties and costume parties and one birthday party where the huge disappointment was that the silly string didn't work...

I think one of my favorite birthday gifts I ever got was...

no surprise here...

my Barbie Dreamhouse

it was 3 stories tall and had an elevator

oh how I loved it...

my Daddy tried to sneak it into my bedroom so that the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the pink townhouse...he carried it in but tripped at the foot of my bed and it came crashing down

and he said a bad word

what he didn't realize is that I was awake but was pretending to sleep...so my eyes were closed and I had to work very hard to not open my eyes when he cursed because he almost never cursed around us

I didn't want him to know I was awake...I wanted him to think he had gotten away with the surprise...

so I laid (or is it layed....Darling Donna please teach me English again!) there very still and pretended I was still sleeping until he got it set up and left the room

and then I immediately bolted from my bed and gave the elevator a test drive (you pulled a little string)...I went back to bed and slept (it was about 5 am when he brought it in) and acted like the most surprised girl in the world when our housekeeper woke me up (she wanted to be first to tell me happy birthday...I loved her like a mother).

that is truly my favorite birthday memory from childhood...because it was the one thing I really really wanted and that my dad wanted to surprise me like that...he loved surprising us!

(and as a side note I have to give props to my ex who knew this story and one time added to my Snow Village collection by giving me the Barbie Dream House and he had to drive pretty far out to get it and he totally hated my Snow Village...just sayin that he wasn't always the perfect husband but every once in a while he managed to be a great one)

I really don't have any other birthdays that stand out for me except the "milestone" ones...

When I turned 30 my ex threw me a surprise party at my mom's house...he enlisted the help of my friend LovelyLinda who would babysit for us from time-to-time as a favor (KeshaBarbie loved her).  They managed to pull off  the surprise and the best part was that LovelyLinda brought KeshaBarbie to the party so that I not only had my daughter there but my friend too! (Kesha Barbie was 1)

When I turned 40 (and my ex turned 47...yes we had the same birthday) my mom and aunt surprised me with a limo ride with my kids and we went to Ruth's Chris and were joined by our dear friends "Aunt" SweetSal and "Uncle"JohnJohn and my Aunt Jane and my mom...it was lovely and Uncle JohnJohn almost fell out of his chair when KeshaBarbie convinced their daughter Kate the Great to eat a very rare steak...weirdly that is what I remember most!  Oh and my sweet friend Cute Cindy and her husband Awesome Andy were there and made the party complete...it was a very nice night and one I will always treasure since I got to spend it with my mom.

I wish she was around so I could tell her how I now understand things like:
Botox
Spanx
night sweats
insomnia
waking in the middle of the night needing to pee
having a plastic surgeon you trust (I think hers still mourns her passing as she was his best customer)

I used to wonder why she greased her face up every night before bed...

I GET IT NOW

There is an industrial sized tub of Aquaphor on my nightstand and every night it goes on my face and hands and elbows and feet and sometimes the rest of me too

And here's the part I don't get: I STILL NEED CLEARASIL

Today I have had to use my son's medicated acne medicine twice on my face...

I just wish my skin wasn't so manic-depressive!

(and no I am not using that term lightly because I am sensitive to bipolar disorder but in this case it is the BEST description of how my skin is...manic with the acne and depressed with the dryness...ugh)

My hair has lost a lot of it's luster...and needs washing less frequently...

and my eyes...once the part of my face I considered my best feature...are heavily lined and wrinkled...

And I love Botox...yes, I love Botox...

I could write a sonnet to Botox...

I have not reached the point where I want to pay for an AARP membership, want to eat at Luby's at 5:30 (I still prefer to eat dinner after 7) or have hot flashes

THANK YOU SWEET LORD FOR THAT

I wouldn't say I am fighting my age...I'm just not giving in to it just yet...

I think exercising helps me the most...it keeps the blood flowing so my skin looks good and my muscles toned up and the joints moving...and I have a blast doing it

I try to eat healthy (although last night my son insisted on pizza and after being a gourmet cook for the last few days I agreed and Papa John's it was..).  I eat a lot of salmon---I think it helps my skin (not my face but the rest of me)...my skin is in good shape and I think it is all the Omega 3's in the salmon I eat...

and all the red wine I consume helps....well whatever red wine is supposed to do for you...whatever it is I have that covered...

So back to my birthday...

I slept in...had a great lunch with KuteKaren at Carrabbas (had an incredible wood fired salmon filet...there I am with the salmon again)...picked up my son from school...prepped dinner...relaxed a bit and then went to Revolution Studio for my double class...

I clipped in at 5:30 with KuteKristina riding with me to keep me going...she is often my ponytail slinging inspiration...

then we had a little break

at 6:30 she passed me off to KuteKara and when I walked back into the studio there were a dozen roses on my bike and...and this was awesome...a lovely note signed by everyone that is part of the Revolution team that knows me...

I burst into tears...

KuteKim (who owns Rev) clipped in beside me and I had JiantJoel next to me on the other side and KuteKara next to him...

Marvelous Mel taught both classes and when I say "she brought it"...well she damn sure brought it...

I bawled through the last 2 songs...literally cried so hard I could barely ride...KuteKim grabbed my hand and helped me thru it and I had JiantJoel egging me on in the best possible way...and I didn't stop crying until I walked out because after we stretched the whole Rev team came out with a lighted cupcake and champagne and their beautiful smiles

it was the best 2 classes of my life...

because I didn't let myself feel 50....I felt 20...

and I was surrounded by so much love and friendship that I could barely contain myself...

and the music was awesome and MarvelousMel gave it her all for me and I had KuteKim and KuteKara there with me and it was simply...and KuteKristina gave me the sweetest journal to write my thoughts in and it is now on my nightstand...and the cover of it is---wait for it---bikes!

PERFECT

when I got home and read the notes from the Rev team and the sweet card from KuteKim I cried all over again...



and The Cutest Boy in the World and I had a delicious steak dinner and I had some very nice wine...and we shared the cupcake....

And later that night I got the best and sweetest present of all...my precious SweetCaroline wrote a blog about me and how I had helped her and literally it was such an amazing gift of love that it took me forever to read it because I was crying so hard.  It was genuine and heartfelt---just like she always is with me...and like the love I felt at Rev that night and the lovely lunch I had with KuteKaren and all the sweet messages I received during the day.

I survived my birthday...

If you had asked me 5 years ago how the day would have gone down I would have said "dinner with the hubby and my son (because I knew my daughter would be in college)" but in truth I would have really been a fat, miserable woman who was very unhappily married and the day would have probably marked the day I hit 345 lbs on the scale...

If you had asked me 4 years ago I would have said that day I would have celebrated with a party with friends...and that I was happily thinner and divorced

and if you had asked me on my 47, 48 or 49th birthday what I would want to do and spend my 50th with I would have said "hopefully with a boyfriend doing something fun"...

but this year there is no man...and that's just fine...my son is always the best date ever...even with a big cast on his foot...

and this year I DID do something fun...

It might not be everyone's idea of fun but for me spending my 50th birthday surrounded by the love of the community I have gotten to love and know over these past 6 months and proving my body is not an old woman's body but one of a fit and healthy woman...and that the only man I wanted to have dinner with was sitting across the table from me---my son...

it was perfect

So I have decided that 50 is not going to define me...

I DEFINE ME

50 is just the age I am....not WHAT I am...

This isn't the greatest photo of me but it was taken a few weeks ago...




and I am going to use this year to celebrate myself...to try new things and do new things and be happy that I am so blessed with so many friends that are in so many aspects of my life: work, school, students, Rev, old friends and new ones...

I'm going to use it as a year of refining myself...of challenging myself...or changing myself in only the best possible ways...my friend MyTommy used his 49th year to do something like this and damn if I can come out of it looking half as good and being half as happy as he is then I will be in great shape

(and did I mention what he does for a living?  HE'S A SPIN AND FITNESS INSTRUCTOR PEOPLE...must be the bike...nah...it's just him---he's always been awesome especially when he was getting me out of certain fraternity houses before I did something stupid...)

I'm going to grow....because I have a whole lot more learning and growing to do...

I may be 50 but I have a lot of living left in me...a lot more things to see and do and try...

and when I turn 60...I will do it on a spin bike...

and maybe I will just do 3 in a row....

Inspiration Song: "Birthday" by....oh come on how could I NOT go there---KATY PERRY!!!!! We all know she is my girl crush and I lurvs her...MarvelousMel even played one of her songs during class to make me super happy...

Bye Darlings---age is a number and doesn't define us...and I had a great birthday even without a party because my party was on the bike and with my spin peeps...and I want you all to join me in spreading your own wings and growing up with me...let's not let our age define us but let ourselves be defined by our acts...in which case I am defined by---SWEAT,...hahahahaha









Monday, November 24, 2014

Bridge Burning

I was all prepared to write a blog about my birthday..one where you would hear me endlessly whine about how much I am not ready to be 50 and how it sucks...I even started it last night...but then something happened with a friend so I want to talk about this instead...so once again jump on the therapy train with me and see where we end up...I'm not sure it will be a smooth ride and I can promise a lot of hills and tunnels (which is where I get scared and lost) but at the end we will pull into some sort of resolution station...just where that is I have no idea...these blogs are just basically word vomit that I spit out when I need to talk about something and today this is more important than how much I hate my 50 year old skin...

Hello Darlings...

If you are friends with me on facebook you might have seen that I lost a friend today...or nearly so...the jury is still out...

I have a dear (or at least thought she was dear) friend who cut me out of her life with no explanation...I continually reached out to her and she wouldn't call me back or text her...a few weeks ago she finally texted me to say I had hurt her terribly but she didn't want to get into it because she had too much going on and when she was done with her stuff she would tell me how I had hurt her and we would get through it...

So I got tired of waiting, and more than a little hurt that on my birthday all she could muster up for me was to post "happy birthday" on my Facebook wall, and sent her an email yesterday telling her I loved her and was confused by what happened and wished she would tell me how I had so terribly hurt her

all along I thought she was mad at me about a request I made of her...but I never got an explanation or told "hey! that hurt my feelings...you aren't being supportive"...but instead she just said ok and then nothing...

So I emailed her and told her I missed her and wanted to know what was going on...

she responded...

At first I thought it was about some stuff I posted on FB (because she kept saying "your postings" and then "Facebook" in her email response ) so I thought it was that...

BTW this was all via email since she has refused to speak to me on the phone for over a month...

but then an email later she basically yelled at me saying "this has nothing to do with your posts and I don't think you are getting it!!!!"

ok...

Maybe it was because 4 different times in her first email she said "postings" or Facebook?  Like 3 paragraphs worth of telling me how what I posted hurt her deeply and was like a knife in her heart?

But apparently despite that it had nothing to do with social media...

I.am.confused.

Color me super confused

And by the way being yelled at in an email is disquieting...and you know when you are being screamed at...

I had wanted to resolve this weeks ago when I could tell she was ignoring me...

mostly because I like to resolve things right away and not dwell (ok so this is soooo dwelling here because I am blogging about it) and I like to apologize when I have hurt or angered someone and ask forgiveness and move the hell on...

I don't like things to fester...things that fester start to ooze and get nasty and smelly and infected and then what was a little thing becomes a big one...

When an elephant poops in the room you clean it up...

(I learned that from a therapist and if you have ever smelled elephant dung you know why that is a perfect thing to say...you just don't leave something that stinky laying around)

If I had hurt her I wanted to fix it...right away...

so that's when I started calling her...

when she finally responded she told me she had too much else going on and when she was ready she would discuss this with me...

so I was basically expected to be like a little dog that you accidently kick but then he comes running up to you a minute later because he forgot you kicked him

I am not a dog

and by not giving me a clue as to what was wrong and what I had done to offend her so much she just chose to close me out of her life and put me on the back burner until she wanted to let me back in and tell me what I had done to so horribly offend her...

I don't work that way...

I work like this:
you offend me in some way...
if it's a major offense I tell you right away...
and then I forgive you

if it is a minor thing I let it go...
life is too short

And if I offend you I want to be told right away I have committed an offense and let's deal the hell with it and get it over with...

you work through it with your friends and loved ones...

and you do it right away so that you don't confuse things

Today I was told by my friend I was abusing her...not sure if she meant I was abusing her by asking her to explain what she was so mad at or by the offense I had committed but in any case she used the word abuse

Right now I am shaking me wee little head on this one...

I still am unclear as to just what I did that was so awful and horrible...because her accusations against me changed with each email...but I think it still comes down to FB...

I have lost friends before because of things I said on my blog but this was the first time I was losing someone over FB postings...

oh right...it wasn't that...

or was it....

I am so confused...

but the good news is that she did text me later and apologized for lashing out at me...I think maybe we still can be friends...and I am very happy about that

But I learned a hell of a lot from it all...

1) Don't go to bed angry---we all know this one but it's really proof that you need to tell someone that they have done something to upset you right away...don't let it sit and that proverbial molehill becomes a mountain...just talk it out and get it behind you

2) Social media changes friendships---your life is out there for the world to see and what you post might upset someone

but...

3) it's your life and your FB so you should be able post whatever you want...you should not have to hold back enthusiasm for something that gives you joy just because someone else might get jealous about it...

4) middle aged women can turn into middle school girls in 2.6 seconds...I don't even have to touch this one...I just got gobsmacked in the face with it again and jeez I thought that by turning 50 I finally could leave middle school behind...guess not...

and here are the things that weren't just reinforced to me but truly were surprising to me to discover:

1) I can't really be anyone but who I truly am...once a cheerleader always a cheerleader...and when I love something or am enthusiastic about something I can't help but yelp with joy...I love thanking people publicly and giving a shout out to those who help me or improve my day or life...I love bragging on my kids and my students...I love sharing the things that I love with others...because I want to spread the joy or get someone to try something new!    So I can't curb my enthusiasm very much...and I am not sure I should be asked to...and I shouldn't let someone's jealousy or ego force me to not be authentic or express myself...

2) I have been told by some people that I am too self-absorbed and narcissistic...that no one really gives a damn about my thoughts...today I learned differently...not everyone may give a damn about what I think but I don't think anyone is offended by my silly musings...and really no one should care what I think because my opinions are just that...MY opinions...no one has to like them or approve of them but unless I call you out directly and by name how can I truly offend you?

I realize sometimes I might offend someone with my political leanings so that is why I tend to keep it to the blog and not FB and I know full well that some people won't agree with me on things but everyone is entitled to their opinion and they don't have to like mine...but I have the right to express it.  I have lost friends over my support of gay rights...I was sorry to lose their friendship but it has not changed my mind one bit about marriage equality or that I feel that gay people make just as good parents as straight people do...or that no one should be discriminated against because of who they love or what gender they identify with...I believe in love and considering right now that all of my love and affection comes from a grey formerly stray cat I can't judge nor would I ever judge.  I will judge you if you abuse someone but not by what your sexual preference is. 

I believe in love...and when I love something or someone I love telling them so (ask my poor children who get "I love You"d too death) so if I love you---well you are gonna hear it...

I was overwhelmed by my friends telling me not to change...and if you don't like what I post on FB I hope you do what I do when I see something that I find silly or not to my liking---

SCROLL DOWN AWAY FROM IT

and if that person is a constant offender of your values just remove them from your feed

or unfriend them

you don't have to subject yourself to something that bothers you...and if I am what bothers you then just ignore me...the lovely thing is that I will likely never know it...

I have had to cut a few people out of my life....my reasons are very personal but in some instances it has been because of substance abuse and others it is because that person has emotionally abused me or abused my friendship in a way that was unacceptable to me (like making me the unknowing cover for someone to carry on an affair...not kidding...not ok...)

We have to get toxic people out of our life...toxicity can spread...

but we need to be sure that we truly need to let those people go...because once you burn a bridge sometimes there is no way to get back over the river and you just might want to visit the other side of that river again...

you have to be careful when you lash out at someone...

or when you withhold your feelings to someone and instead just give them the cold shoulder but hope that at some point they will just sit back and let you have a go at them for it...

or when you wait so long to tell someone they hurt you that what really hurt you gets forgotten and that molehill is Everest...and the real reason you were upset with that person was easily forgiven but then it become more

so much more

I don't have a problem with losing a friend when you just naturally drift apart...lives change and move in different directions...and that is perfectly ok...it happens and it is no ones fault...but you still love that person (and without naming names I hope a certain sweet friend I used to spend a lot of time with who's life moved in a good positive way and in a good relationship will see this and know that I love her very much and I miss her but it's no one's fault and it's all good)

I tried not to burn any bridges when I divorced my ex and I have remained friends with just about everyone but his best friend

who never liked me anyway

the last time I saw the man he was rude and unfriendly...but he tends to be that way anyway...and I told him to tell his wife hello...and I know he is protective of my ex so that is ok...I'm not going to burn a bridge with him because I love his wife and daughter dearly...

If you are going to cut someone out of your life think carefully and choose wisely...

I was even told today "do not contact me again" but I wasn't willing to walk away when I knew I had not committed an offense that was great enough to end a friendship and I wanted to fight for it...because I love my friend...

in my youth and younger days my father and my ex used to accuse me of "painting myself into a corner" because I would get ticked off and issue ultimatums and declare I was "done" with someone or something and very often I really didn't want to be done...I was just mad and wanted to be right or get my way

I was a spoiled brat

but after years of sitting alone in that corner waiting for the paint to dry so I could get out of the corner I learned a lot about how very stupid I was being...

and I am a lot more careful about corners and what I walk away from or declare an ultimatum about...

I have so many wrinkles in myself that I need to iron out or botox (freeze) so that they don't get worse...and I am not talking about my skin...

I will let someone go if they want to....but I will fight before I do so...and I try not to just get pissed and pull a trigger when it isn't warranted.

This summer I counseled a young friend I love dearly that she needed to let go of some people in her life that weren't doing any good in her world...that she was to rise above what was going on and to just let it go...I know she struggled with it and it was so very painful for her but she did it and is much happier for it...she relied on her faith and her own good sense to move on...and I am so busting proud of her for it...and I learned a lot from watching her do it...she showed a level of maturity that many young women her age don't have and I admire her so much for doing it...I love her dearly and she is a hero to me because she did something most young people would not do...she needed to leave those people behind but she did it with enough dignity that I am pretty sure if she ran into them at Starbucks that she won't be the one who turns tail and runs away...

so don't burn those bridges...if you find yourself walking over one to the other side be sure you leave a clear path to run back...the new side may not be brighter or better...

or you may like the new side better and find good things there...but you still need to have the freedom to go back to the other side and see what is still there...

it might be something really good you forgot and left behind...

So...

be someone worth fighting for
be a friend that won't let another friend go without a fight if they are worth keeping
let people loose who are toxic and hurt you

and don't burn bridges...

because bridges are very hard to build...

Thanks for taking this therapy ride with me...if I can just inspire just one of you to forgive someone or to not go to bed angry with someone then all I have dealt with today is worth it...I"m not sure any of it made sense but I am who I am and I guess the bottom line is I'm still trying to grow up and learn from things...

Inspiration Song: "Bridge Burning" by the Foo Fighters...oh how I love them...great band and great lyrics and frankly I want to know why God put someone as awesome as Dave Grohl on this earth and didn't give him to me...I'm pretty sure he drives a big ass truck...it's about making mistakes...and once you burn those bridges you can gather the ashes but they will blow away...

Bye Darlings...don't let people change you...don't let someone make you feel bad about yourself when it is their own issue that is the problem...don't let someone's jealousy rob you of your joy...

and don't burn bridges...







Sunday, November 9, 2014

(You Gotta Have) Friends

Hello Darlings...

Well a couple of Fridays ago I had a little hiccup in my plans for that particular weekend and my life for these next few weeks...

I had to experience something every parent dreads...

a kid with a broken bone

and now...

a cast...

A few weeks ago The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) broke his right fibula in a football game.

(And please please NO JUDGEMENT on the fact my son plays football...he loves it and frankly I already had one friend tell me "but I guess that is what comes with playing football sometimes"...just say your are sorry and ASK HOW THE CHILD IS and don't pass judgement on how it happened...it felt like being hugged and slapped at the same time when that was texted to me by my friend--like saying "sorry but that's what he gets for playing"...ugh!)

I had looked down at my phone to answer a text when it happened...it was a kickoff and I wasn't paying a lot of attention...but at the end of the play there was a boy down on the field and even before RoyBoy said "that is TCBITW on the field" I KNEW it was my kid...

KuteKaren held my hand until they got him up...the trainer and the team doc carried him off the field and even from way up in the stands I could see he was hurting...a lot...

We watched as a gaggle of little girls hung over the railing to check out what was going on with the hurt boy...

I sat glued to my seat like a good varsity mom even though everything inside me was screaming:

MY BABY IS HURT AND I NEED TO GET TO HIM AND HOLD HIM AND KISS THE BOO-BOO AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER BECAUSE I AM HIS MOMMY...

but I just sat there and held on to KuteKaren...

and then the trainer texted me with the dreaded:

"you might want to come down here..."

I kissed KuteKaren and RoyBoy goodbye and made the long trek down the bleachers to my son...

We were at Rice Stadium...it's a big place

It's a long damn way down to the field when you are at the top and with my crappy knees it is even worse (and I was in cute Varsity Mom clothes so I had on this long maxi skirt that I kept tripping over) and then I began to feel like the mom in Poltergeist when she was trying to get down the hall to her kids and the hallway keeps getting longer and longer

that was the longest trip down a set of stadium steps I have ever experienced...

I get down there and one look at my son's face told me everything...

he was hurt...and not just a twisted ankle...

The team doc (who lucky for us is one of the best orthopedic surgeons in town) explained that he thought something was broken and to come to his office in the morning for x-rays...

and he gave us a painkiller prescription (which turned out to be super difficult to find now that oxycodone is one of those drugs that are scheduled and regulated more strictly)

and yes I wanted to take the painkiller myself and no I didn't actually take it...

because we couldn't get any...all the 24 hour pharmacies near my house or the ex's house were out...

When I first got down to my son HotDoc came and sat with me (HotDoc gets her name because I am pretty sure she qualifies as the most gorgeous OB/Gyn in the world and she delivered TCBITW...her son plays on the team and she is a friend...an amazing friend)

HotDoc wasn't going to let anything bad happen to TCBITW...she brought him into this world and she has stuck by him ever since...when he got a concussion 2 years ago she checked him out for me then too...so she sat there with us until the game was over and interpreted everything the orthopedic guy was saying and even helpfully had some super-sized dose of ibuprofen that the ortho guy said "get it now!"...lucky lucky lucky us...

Then PrettyPhyllis came to hold my hand and her hubby LAwsome (that is my hollywood couples combo way of putting two names together...his first name starts with LA and he is Awesome) came to lend us support...

The headmaster and athletic director came by...but weirdly the coach never did and frankly I'm not so happy with the man about that...we were winning 45-0...

We had a lot of emotional support during the second half of the game and after the game while we waited for the boys to board the bus...we are blessed by how wonderful my son's teammates are and their wonderful families are amazing...

I got into my car and called KuteKaren and cried...and then pulled it together and went into mom overdrive mode...

once I got him home and he showered and ate he said he hurt and just wanted to get to bed...

the next day we went to the doctor and did the x-rays and sure enough the bone was broken so he is now in a dandy-fine school colored purple cast...

Saturday and Sunday I got a lot of phone calls and texts and emails (thank you D'Nice,  LovelyLisa, Debquestrienne, and CuteColleen and DarlingDebbie and many more) asking how he was and offering to help and go to the store (Marvelous Margaret and Pretty Phyllis you are amazing) or just run errands for me...

And KuteKaren came by and brought treats so that definitely perked him up...rice krispies treats will do that...that was a rock star move...

And as I sit and write this another friend's son has broken his leg in a game...I know it is a rough sport but these boys LOVE it.  So now my son and his friend will form the "cast and crutches club" at school and since they have the same doctor I have a feeling that poor man is going to get mighty tired of cute blonde boys with broken legs...

I'm just waiting for them to try "let's race down the hallway"...I can see the seniors placing their bets now...

The other mom and I are even trying to work out doc appointments together so that we can help shuttle our broken boys and help each other out...

and that is what I am talking about here...

how we help each other out...

because we all know it takes a village...

especially when it comes to raising boys...

but it has also taken a village to raise me...

When I was young I remember my mom's friends and their kids being around so much...and woe to you if you EVER ignored the command of ANY mom be it your own or another...they weren't moms---they were THE MOM...you just did what any of them said to do...trust me I had not one mom but about 7...and to this day if I was to lose one of them it would be like losing my mom all over again...

when my mom died those women held me together...they were my super glue...they knew they had to take over...I felt their love from the pews at the funeral and afterwards for weeks and the years to come...and some of them, like CuteCarolyn and PhabulousPhoebe still look after me...

and I need a lot of looking after...

a whole lotta looking after...

My mom's death was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me...losing my dad was crushing but losing my mom killed me inside more than just a little bit...

it literally took some of the life out of me...life that I have never fully gotten back...

I was so gut-punched and it was so unexpected and sudden that it was as if it was a dream...

no, make that a terrible nightmare...

but lucky for me I had friends to lift me up and hold me when I couldn't stand alone...

I had KuteKaren who made sure I attended a gala I had helped organize and she got me prettied up and kept me going all night...she made sure I kept going even when I didn't want to and she knew my mom would have killed me if I had sat home that night...

I had NotADullChristy to come and watch my house when I was at the funeral home.  She stayed there with her husband and young daughter and accepted flowers and deliveries and was there to hold me when I got out of the car after picking out my mother's casket.  Her sweet child, who I love dearly, looked at me and said "why you crying?  your Mommy in HEAVEN!!!" and that was just what I needed to hear...

I had friends come over and help me tidy up my cluttered house and bring food and take my children.  I had one amazing friend Fabnessa (she's just fabulous) open her home for the reception after the funeral...and many friends like MarvelousMaura and CuteCindy and CuteCarrie who helped her and made sure I kept moving forward and being someone my mom could be proud of...(and CuteCarrie brought me her dilled carrots which pretty much are my happy place of veggies)

And then there was DarlingDana...if I start to write about how she helped me I won't finish this blog but when she called me hours after my mom died (when almost no one knew) and I heard her voice I can tell you her strength radiated through to me...and when I told her I was going to eulogize my mom she is the one person who truly believed I could do it (she had to do it for her very precious young niece so I knew she could help me)...I felt her strength as I stood in front of everyone in the church and I knew as long as I looked at her and my mom's friends that I could say what I needed to say...I felt as if she was standing beside me holding me up...and she also took care of my son for about a month...and has always been the one person I could always call and say "can you take care of/pick up/wait for TCBITW?"...and she would do it...

I went through weeks in a fog and they were my guiding light...

After some time (about a week) I knew I had to go back to the school and help GOTT by finishing up the costuming of "The Music Man".  It was our first real collaboration (other than a tiny brief foray into helping decorate a set that previous fall---the best thing I got out of that was my BuddyBubba, a now grown man who I love so much I cry when I see him...).

Anyway...

(can you tell the ADD is on def-con 5 today?)

Anyway...I went to school and  crept into the back of what I thought was the empty fine arts center only to find the entire 8th grade class having religion in the room...I tried to be stealthy but...

I wasn't stealthy enough...then sweet LovelyLauren sees me and asks Father W if she can go hug me...the next thing I know I have about 50 kids herding to me...and I was crying so hard I could barely stand...those children literally loved the hurt out of me and to this day I have so much love for each and every one of them that I wish I could call them all my own...they will never know what that meant to me but I know it when I see them...

It's a mighty thing when your friends come together to help you out and to love you out of whatever pain you are in...and I feel that I often don't do my fair share in return...

And even though my son's broken leg doesn't compare to losing my mom it still felt good and amazing to receive the outpouring of love from our community and to have so many mamas offer to help us out...

you may never know how much it means to a single mom who can't leave her child how wonderful the offer of going to the store can be...

or to have a mom call and ask how your child is feeling and that they are sorry he is hurt and just let you cry a bit or express your sadness for your child's injury...

or to have an amazing young lady text me that she is praying for him and me (my little Hummingbird angel love girl...) through the night...oh boy I needed that one!

or to have 50 comments or posts on facebook telling you that your child is in their prayers and thoughts..

or to have a friend come by and bring treats to cheer a patient up...

or have someone bring your child home so you can take a much needed break and get yourself sane with a spin class (PrettyPhyllis to the rescue again)

sometimes when I realize how little it takes to truly lift someone up I get mad at myself that I don't do more for others...

it is wonderful and amazing to give time to charity and worthy causes but it also does a world of good to do some random acts of kindness...

like...

pay the toll on the toll road for the guy behind you...

or let someone in front of you in the check out line when she has 3 items and you have a basketful

or if you will just sit and listen when a friend says "can I come over and talk...I need advice" (you know who you are woman and I am proud of you and how you are moving your life forward)

or to cook dinner for a friend who is sick...and don't forget to give her the recipe so she can cook it later when she is feeling better...

or to offer to pick up a friend's child from school when you know the other mom is busy...

even a Facebook shout-out can lift someone's spirits to new heights...

or a text that says you are thinking about someone when they are having a tough time (and try not to be judgmental if it's something they did...just send love...the lecture can come later)

big gestures like throwing a party are wonderful but what is even better is when you have a friend that says "I will cook you dinner for your birthday" and it is the most delicious meal ever...
(yes that happened and yes it was amazing and perfect because it was D'nice who did it and she's an amazing cook...I'm not big on big parties anyway but I do love her chicken piccatta more than anyone else's)

I used to delight DarlingDana by making an extra batch of my special chicken salad when I would make it for a party or teachers...just showing up with that Tupperware container of chicken salad goodness put a smile on her face and I know she misses that salad since she moved to another town...but it is little things like cooking a bit extra of a favorite meal or treat that your loved ones will remember...just like I remember CuteCarrie bringing me those yummy carrots...

It's almost Thanksgiving so I want to challenge all of you to do a few random acts of kindness in thanksgiving for all the love you receive...I'm going to try and to some little something each day because I feel so very blessed by my friends...I will try and do things for my friends and strangers alike...

I am so grateful for my life...

I have two amazing children that bring me joy every single day...I love them more than I thought it was possible to love anyone or anything...

I was able to leave an unhappy marriage and still make a home for my kids...and it is a  beautiful and comfortable home...

I have a job I love where I get to be with some amazing and awesome kids every day and their love and hugs sustain me...

I have a car that is practically new and kitties to cuddle...no man but for now the cats will do just fine because no man would willingly take on my schedule these days...

I have a wonderful place to workout and keep myself healthy...and I love each and  every single person there...my Revolution Studio friends do more than hand me towels or get me sweating...they lift me up...

I have an amazing family that I love so very much...sisters and a sister-in-law who put up with my nonsense and explain to their children how I am pretty much Auntie Mame...and my cousins who keep the fun in my life and my aunts and uncles who love me despite of myself...

and I have friends...so many wonderful loving friends...friends I have known for years, friends I have recently met, friends from the schools I work at, friends from working out, friends from my son's school...and friends who appear in my life from what seems like nowhere and are angels...

you gotta have friends...

they are your team...
they are your parents...
they are your guardian angels...
they are your support staff...
they are your light in your life...

So do a little something for a friend...or a stranger...

you never know---that stranger may end up being a friend...

So for me I want to have as many friends as I can...because I can't make it without them...

YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS...

at least I know that I do...

Inspiration Song: "Friends" by Bette Midler...there are about 1000 songs named "Friends" so I am distinguishing this one as the "you gotta have friends" one...because you GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS...

Bye Darlings---and thank you to all of my friends who love me through my troubles and mistakes and help me raise my kids and take such great care of me...











Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I Go Crazy

Warning...this is another therapy session blog...

Warning...there are graphic descriptions of needles being stuck in my knees...

Warning...we already know I am crazy...but please know that I do not take the term "crazy" lightly...I have suffered from depression before and know many loved ones who have suffered with depression and mental illness...so I don't mean this to be in any way disparaging to those who sufffer...

 hello darlings!

I"m gonna let you in on a little secret...

I get a little obsessed about things...

ok maybe a lot obsessed...

What? You NOTICED that?  Really?!?!

Ok, I will own up to what we all know...I tend to have obsessions with things and share...maybe even overshare about them...

You have all been along for the ride with me with these latest obsessions:

spinning
Katy Perry
spinning
margaritas with jalapenos in them
spinning
football
spinning
spinning
spinning

There are some others but these are the ones that most come to mind...

oh yes...

and spinning...

lest you forget...

I also have really bad ADD which I am sure you have figured out by now because so many of my blogs start off one way and then...squirrel!!!!...I have gotten distracted and something else starts to flow out of me...

like that....just now...

So yesterday became the pinnacle of my obsession and craziness when I literally started to cry at the doctor's office because he said I could not go to Marvelous Mel's spin class after he injected my knees with gel...

First a little background...

My knees are total crap...

like bone on bone total crap...

like 80 year old woman total crap...

like I spent years at 300 lbs walking on them crap

like I need a knee replacement total crap...

you got it?

My knees...

they are crappy and KILL ME

for some reason they don't always hurt when I spin and a lot of times they feel better when I do.  In fact the last few weeks when I did 12 spin classes in 11 days they almost didn't hurt at all

(see I am so obsessed I even did two classes in a row one day and I only stopped myself from having day 12 of it because I knew I HAD to give my body a little break)

This summer when I could take it no more I went to the orthopedic surgeon I see and he looked at my knees and x-rays and declared that my knees were crap...

So we tried cortisone shots...

they worked...a bit...for like 5 minutes...ok more like a couple of weeks but it felt like 5 minutes...

So when I was at the doc he said if the cortisone didn't help enough we could do these gel shots.

I kept hearing from people what a miracle the gel shots were so I figured I would give it a go.  The doc's assistant sent the order to my pharmacy...

and it only took 2 months for them to figure it out and get me the stuff...not kidding

geez...

so between the pharmacy and insurance the stuff gets to the doc and I'm told to come in Monday to have the gel injected.

Let me tell you how joyful the thought of having needles stuck in your knees is...there are worse places I know but knees fall far behind:
buttocks
arm
forehead (my Botox)
big wrinkle between eyebrows
crows feet area

I won't list the worst places...use your imagination...

but Botox and flu shots don't bother me all that much..."that much" being relative because I really hate hate hate needles.

When I talked to the doc's assistant he told me I could go to spin class after...I don't think he realized I literally planned to drive straight to the studio and spin...and I had plenty of people tell me:

"you will not want to do that...you will want to go home and rest you knees"

but since I went to medical school and spent years training in orthopedic surgery and knees especially I knew I could do it

(that last sentence is totally fictional because: 1) I am not a doctor and 2) I have never been to medical school)

but I always know what is BEST for me (not) and so I just knew I could go...I had a bike booked and my workout clothes in the car...

all I needed was for him to shoot the stuff into my knees and off I would go!

I waited an hour and a half to see him...the clock was ticking and I was downtown and it was 5:15...

class was at 6:30...

but I was going to go to Marvelous Mel's Monday Madness dammit...

So Javier the assistant lays out the stuff and I see a whole lotta syringes and needles...

gulp...

doc comes in and asks how I am and starts prepping my knees...sprays me with the freeze spray and then sticks in a long needle full of lidocaine

sumabitch

bad words
bad words
bad words

that hurt like a sumabitch...and then some...and THAT was the PAINKILLER

it took my breath away...

he pokes me again in the knee and starts to put the gel in and oh dear heavens mary and joseph and all my children and good golly miss molly it...

HURT

took my breath away...

he told me to talk it would take my mind off it

I informed him that I could not...and I was trying to breathe...

(there are very few times in my life when I am literally rendered speechless...this was like time #3)

then I noticed there was stuff still in the syringe when he pulled it out...it was at that point I realized we were going to get to have this little party again...

we were going to get to have this little party again 2 more times

and I still had the left knee to go...

that one wasn't as bad but still...there were a lot of bad words wanting to fly out of my mouth...

so he says "come back next Monday" ...

and I'm all...um really?

ok...

and I said:

"I AM GOING TO GO TO SPIN CLASS NOW'

and he says "um...no you are not...I don't recommend it...in fact I highly recommend you don't go and should probably just go home"

and that my friends is when the tears started...

not when he poked me with needles but when he grounded me

Like I said...I go crazy...I am crazy...I am obsessed...

I said "do you know what you are asking of me?  you are telling me I can't go to the class that makes me not hate Mondays..the class that makes my week start of perfectly...the class that makes me so damn happy I leave with a sweaty smile on my face...the class that literally removes all evil from my life?"

(ok so I didn't say all of that...but I was thinking it...)

so while I wiped tears I said:

"but I really love that spin class"

and he said "love it next time but tonight you are not going"

I felt like a toddler...

and he said more stuff and it all became like the Charlie Brown teacher was talking to me and it felt like a tunnel was pulling me back like the mom trying to get to the door in Poltergeist and all I could think of was:

but I took two days off and today I really really wanted to go to Marvelous Mel's class...

and then I said "ok" to it and told him next week I was spinning in the morning BEFORE he stuck needles in my knees again and he laughed..,and told me I must really really like spin class...

I sorta do...

maybe you noticed...

and then I asked if I had permission to go to Spec's Liquor Warehouse since I was downtown and all and not getting to go to spin class and there was bad traffic...

he ok'd that with the promise I would not spend all night there

(he sorta knows me well)

So I schlumped back to the car and called the studio and told them to give my bike to some deserving soul who had knees that weren't crap and could ride in my spot...

and then I cried again...

and drove to Spec's...

and bought some really good red wine...

But last night as I lay icing my sore knees I replayed this all in my mind and saw the depth of my obsession...that I love spinning and those classes so much that even thought I totally hate needles the worst part of all of it was that I couldn't ride last night.

Because I am obsessed...

But that is ok...there are worse things to be obsessed with and at least this one is healthy...

and I get so much more than a workout there...I get a chance to feel on that bike...to think to let it all go to let it loose to let it out...just like that run on sentence...it just flows from me...

sweat and pain

sweat and joy

sweat and heartache

sweat and what is bottled inside

and my beautiful angels on the bike on the stage before me get my heart racing and my calories burning and my muscles moving but they also get my heart and soul running at light speed and I feel so much better about myself when I leave there...

and yesterday I just really wanted to sweat and feel...

I don't have a love or lover...unless you count my kitties...

I have beautiful wonderful children that are my world but I know better than to put my happiness on their shoulders...

I put my happiness on MY shoulders...

I live and love for me and not what someone else can do for me with their love...

so when I go and the instructor tells me to stop competing with anyone else...or just to strive to take myself one step further or better...or to let go of anything that is in my way that is THERAPY for me...

and I get it a whole lot cheaper there than at a psychiatrist's office....

and it keeps me looking into myself to find that "me" I want to be...

not in a physical sense but the "me" I want to be with my HEART

so yeah...I am obsessed

because there is a whole lotta crazy in me but I don't think it is a bad kind of crazy...

just a "I'm gonna be 50 in less than a month and I can still be so much more than I am today" kind of way...

I don't want to stop trying to be better just because I can officially be a member of AARP...

I never want to stop growing and learning and trying to be a better mom, friend, lover...HUMAN

I want to go through the rest of my life looking at the journey ahead and appreciating the road I have traveled...

because it is a whole lotta road...and I have been through some "sheet" my friends...

but I have learned from it...

and I use that as the fuel to keep me going forward...

so if my obsession is that I climb on a bike for 45 minutes pretty much every day and I sweat and twerk and ride it out then so be it...

and if I don't go I go crazy...

because it is not about the calories...it's about the FEELING I get when I work so damn hard for 45 minutes...

something that I could never have done 4 years ago...something I am proud of myself each and every time I do it...

because once upon a time I was fat and miserable and in a marriage that wasn't working and I quit caring about who I was and what I looked like...I quit caring about my health

and mostly I quit caring about loving myself...

I GAVE UP ON ME

I gave up on everything about myself and just kept eating and being a couch potato and buying bigger fat clothes...

I don't do much for myself...I spend 90% of my awake time tending to the needs of others and doing things to make the people I love in my life happy...

but for that 45 minutes a day I get to love myself...to put myself first and do something that is for me...

and for that...

I will happily go crazy...

even if it means I look like a toddler in front of my doctor

and next week when he sticks me in the knees with the needles I am going to take a deep breath and let the pain go and send my mental love to all my friends riding in class...

because I will have already been to spin class...

HA!

Inspiration Song....some of you are so darn young that I can't even justify patting you on your darling heads for not knowing this song..."I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis...it's a song about running into your love that got away...and for me yesterday bike 6 at Revolution Studio was the love that got away...but in reality it is a really pretty song...

Bye Darlings...I may be crazy and obsessed but bear with me...I have such bad ADD something new is bound to come along like a distracting squirrel...but I don't think my love of spinning is going to go away...