Friday, February 27, 2015

On My Own

Hello Darlings...

It's been a while...a later blog will explain just what I have been up to...but for today I invite you to celebrate an "anniversary" of sorts with me...

because you see---

4 years ago today I left my husband of 24.5 years...yes, we were just half a year away from that magic silver anniversary and I decided that silver wasn't a color I needed to be celebrating...

I didn't actual "leave" him that day...the truth was I told him to leave...

basically I went into his study and told him I wasn't happy and I knew he surely wasn't happy and that I wanted a divorce...

and that I had wanted it for some time but could not go one day more...

he wasn't happy but accepted it...

the kids weren't happy but accepted it...

I would rather have a good divorce than a bad marriage and I had a bad marriage...

I didn't want my kids to think that what I had with their dad was what a good marriage was...and I didn't want them to think it was what they should settle for...or expect in marriage...

There was no abuse but there was a lot of arguing...

We were two people who no longer took pleasure in each other's company and the only thing we had in common was our two amazing children.

I tried to leave before but The Cutest Boy in the World was so young and I thought I owed it to the man I married and my kids to give therapy a chance and to work on it...

It didn't work

Sometimes you can fix broken things but sometimes you have to accept something is broken and let it go and throw it away...

I didn't throw my marriage away...

I just let it go...

I don't regret marrying him...I got two amazing kids out of it...

But I don't believe I truly loved him the way I should have loved the man I pledged my life to...

My clarifying moment was at GOTT's parent's 50th anniversary party...

My gift to them was to take photos of the event.

I looked through the lens of my camera and I saw GOTTMOM looking at GOTTDAD with so much love in her eyes that it was a gut punch...

it took my breath away...

it made me cry...

because I realized that she was looking at him with so much love even after 50 years and that I had never ever once really felt like that toward the ex...

not once...

I had to go and sit down quietly for a moment...

Then GOTT and his brother and sisters and their spouses all got together for a photo and when I saw the love there I knew I had to do something...

I had been around GOTT and GOTTESS enough to be envious of the love they shared...as well as other friends...like KuteKaren and RoyBoy and CabRene and BoyGeorge and JayVee and The Hunk...

So the next day I told GOTT what I planned to do...that I needed to leave...

and even though at first his thought was "no!" he quickly realized it was what was best for me and my family and he loved me enough to say:

"I will support you"

because that is the kind of man he is...and that is why I love him as much as a woman can love a man who is not her son, husband, or father...I love him more than I love my brothers because he is truly the best male friend I could be gifted with...

he is totally my rock...and I thank God every day for his presence (and GOTTESS's) in my life and for keeping me off the quicksand...

I have never regretted my decision to end my marriage...the only regret I had was that I didn't do it sooner...

I hate that my children have had to divide time but they assure me it's ok and they are happier because we are happier.

We will always be a family...just not a married family...

My ex has a steady girlfriend he cares a lot about...my kids have met her and tell me she is very nice...

I have no idea how serious it is and probably won't know until he puts a ring on someone's finger because although we get along great and we talk almost daily about kid concerns we know almost nothing about each other's personal life...

if I had a personal life...

Like he wasn't going to bother to tell me he was going to leave the country on his vacation

He just told me he would be gone a week...but he didn't think it was important to mention he would be a few time zones away...

and then told me he didn't see how it was my business...

well the very day I asked him if he was leaving the country was the day after a friend of mine lost her precious child in a terrible accident...so I reminded him that maybe, just maybe it might be good for me to know he might be hard to reach in case something happened to TCBITW while he was gone or maybe he would be too wrapped up in romance to care if his son was in a wreck or ill...

he finally understood at that point...

I told him I didn't care if he went to the moon or Spain...I just needed to know that it might be a little more difficult to reach him than it would be if he was in say---Dallas.

I don't care what he does with her and I still don't care where they went but for a smart man he was pretty dumb not realizing that maybe he should have at least mentioned a 5 hour time difference in case of emergency.

It is those sort of things that make me glad I do not have to deal with him anymore except when it comes to the kids...

He's a good dad...

and maybe to someone else he will be a good husband...

but for me it was very much a square peg and a round hole trying to mesh...

I was only 46 at the time and I knew I was far too young to spend the rest of my life miserable and living with someone I was not in love with...someone I felt no passion for...someone who when I came home and saw he was home only made me think "damn he's home" and not "yay! he's home!".

The day he moved out and into his own apartment I came home and opened a bottle of champagne and moved my stuff into his side of the closet...

I drank champagne from my crystal (which was not wedding crystal but actually crystal I bought for myself with money from selling my steer my senior year---yes I am weird like that...I bought crystal when I was 17) and I smiled at the fact that the closet was mine and the house was mine and I was truly on my own...

it didn't scare me

it excited me

and so here I am 4 years later still very happy with that decision, not the least bit sad about it and the only jealousy I feel about him is not toward his girlfriend but just the damn fact he HAS a girlfriend and I am alone...

4 years later I have my own house (all mine! and has been for exactly one year tomorrow) and I share custody of TCBITW with my ex and I have 3 cats and a job a\I love and lovely friends and a wonderful place to work out and a great life...

except for one thing...

I'm sorta tired of being alone...

I mean the cats are super great company on Monday nights when TCBITW is with his dad but it would be nice every once in a while to go to a movie...or have a man take me to dinner...or have someone hold my hand and tell me I look pretty...Dragon is very good at purring in my lap but he doesn't speak human...but his cat language is pretty groovy...

When I asked for a divorce I didn't know what to expect down the road...I just knew that at that moment I had to get out or I was going to turn back into a 300 lb miserable woman.

But here I am 4 years later...very happy but getting a little tired of being alone...

some of it is my fault...I'm pretty picky and I have turned down some offers of getting fixed up (like poor GOTTESS wanted to fix me up with this guy who is about 12 years older and has a mustache like a walrus and I told her that man will never get me out of the house...).  I know what I am attracted to and I am not going to settle for "he's nice but doesn't get the motor running" again...

I don't have to have grand passion but I should at least think the guy is cute enough I want to hold his hand...or at least leave the house with...

and please don't say "but you might find you are attracted to him when you meet him and get to know him...he has a great personality!"

um...no...

I need to at least think the guy is cute or all we will ever be is friends...

I have made that mistake before...I made that mistake for about 25 years...

I don't care about money and what someone does as long as they are honest...

so many men my age don't want "me"...

and by "me" I don't mean the actual "me" but rather who I am as a woman:

50 years old
body ok but not perfect
two kids
a job that requires you to pay attention to my love of musical theater

Men in the age group I am interested in dating want a woman who is 35, built, can still have babies (so they have that option) and make good bank. 

They want a Barbie on their arm who is younger so they feel young and virile and why they hell would they want to put up with pre-menopause when they could have a woman that makes their friends jealous...

I tried match.com for about 5 minutes and once I weeded through the losers who were just looking for sex or were lying about their age by 10-15 years I found that most of the guys I said "yes, I think he could be ok" to were looking for women "30-45" that were "skinny" or "athletic" and "please don't contact me unless you have photos".  The rest of the losers were posting photos that were clearly 10 years old, or they were shirtless in their bathroom mirror (ewwwww) or lots of photos with guys with Harley's or fancy cars and the occasional boat...

ugh

I had several guys want my phone # so we could "hook up" and others that when I told them "no thank you" decided that I needed to be told what I stuck-up bitch I was and how I was not worth their time and didn't deserve them...and that I was lying about my age (I never did) and usually those were the losers who were lying about their age by shaving off 10 years...

okie dokie

I got off match without every having met a single man (at least I hope they are all single...)

I don't regret that decision either...

I know plenty of people have met and married from online dating but for me it just wasn't a fit...

I know that some day there will be a man 45-55 years old who drives a big ass truck and likes red wine and isn't bothered by how I look after spin class who is open to watching high school musicals and is ok with putting up with not seeing his girlfriend for the month of January.  He will know I far prefer lilies to roses, that I would rather cook at home than go out (but will occasionally squire me to places I love like George's Pastaria and Union Kitchen) and will watch Modern Family and Last Man Standing with me.  He will be ok with watching my son play football and wrestle and will think museums are fun and will know to order me a dirty martini if we are out at a place that carries Tito's vodka.  He will wipe my tears when I cry at a Rothko painting or The Color Purple and he will be ok with hanging out with gay people and will in fact love them like I do.  If he has dimples and blue eyes that would pretty much make him perfect.

yeah...that would just about be perfect...

I can live without the truck but the "loving gay people" and understanding that my kids come first are non-negotiables and he needs to understand that I love the kids at my job so much I think they are mine and that my job is very important to me...

but he doesn't have to drive a truck...but damn that sure makes a man sexy in my book...

I would rather sleep alone than next to someone I don't love (although there are nights I don't love my cat Zulu so much when he is smothering me) and raising my kids is the single most important thing I do so maybe it's ok I don't have a distracting man to distract me...

but I am getting a little tired of being on my own...and yes it kinda sucks that my ex is very involved with someone and has a life outside our kids and I don't...because frankly between the two of us I think I might have the edge on being a better catch because I am a damn good cook...and I have better hair...

But then again on my own I got to pick out the house I wanted...
I got to choose how to decorate it...
I get to pick what I have for dinner...
I get the closet to myself...
and the whole bathroom is mine...

but I could make space in the bathroom (as for the closet...well...hmmmm....maybe I need to stay single...my shoes need breathing room)

I just want to wait until a man comes along who makes my heart beat faster...who gives me butterflies...who says "wrestling is fun to watch" (ok I know that is stretching it...)

I want a guy worthy of me rearranging my schedule...but not giving up time with my son...

I'm happy on my own but I'm ready to not be alone...

(BTW this is very much NOT a plea for any of you to set me up!!!! NOOOOOOOO)

I have been doing it on my own for 4 years...I can do it 40 more if the good Lord sees fit to give me that much time...and I will always be glad I had the courage to move on from my bad marriage...

So raise whatever glass you have at your side and toast not to me but to all who have the courage to change their lives...I don't just mean with divorce...I mean with ANYTHING that makes your life better...

Change your life if you are not moving forward...or change direction...but don't stay stuck...

and don't be afraid to do something on your own...because sometimes you have to do something on your own so you can share it with others...

Inspiration Song: "On My Own" by Miley Cyrus.  Yes, you read that right...Miley.  I actually totally love the song and Marvelous Mel plays it in spin class and we get to rocking and moving and it's my anthem.  I may not always love Miley but this is one thing I do love her for...this song!

Bye darlings...I have had 4 years on my own...I celebrate each day on my own...and now I challenge you to be inspired to try something new or make some change in your life that makes it better...do it in celebration of yourself!