Sunday, April 15, 2018

With a Little Help From My Friends

This blog is about my current condition with my back/hip...I will not be discussing El Diablo or anything about that right now...the jury is still out on that and so for now DO NOT ask me about my cancer or what is happening...I will let you know when I have something to tell...so let it go and let's focus on getting me over this hump right now...thanks!

Hello Darlings...

It's been a rough couple of weeks here for me...

actually pretty much a rough month...

I have NEVER

and I do mean

NEVER

N
E
V
E
R

been in such pain

And I am pretty sure I did it in yoga...

yup...

I yoga'd too hard...

(and yes it is possible to yoga too hard)

About a month ago I felt a little twinge in my back.

NOTE: IF YOU FEEL A TWINGE IN YOUR BACK DO NOT IGNORE IT

but I went on and kept doing my spin and yoga...

and one night I did a stretch and in the middle of said stretch my brain said "um...not a good idea because I felt something there...hey Anice are you listening to me because you just did something to the spine down there and now spine is sending me a signal that you messed her up"

I ignored the message from my brain...

NOTE: IF YOUR BRAIN SENDS YOU A MESSAGE THAT MAYBE YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING STUPID WITH YOUR BODY MAYBE YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN

Now if you are a regular reader of this blog you know what followed was rest, a visit to a hip specialist, a shot in my hip and then all hell broke loose.

My amazing Aunt Jane surprised me with the gift of a ticket to see Garth Brooks at the Rodeo.

Now if you know me you know I HATE country music...

make that DETEST country music...

I only like Garth...and the Dixie Chicks...and Garth's wife Miss Trisha Yearwood...

that's it...

and it has long been my desire to see Garth

NOTE: IF YOU ARE GIVEN A TICKET TO GO SEE GARTH THEN YOU DAMN SURE GO SEE GARTH...TRUST ME IT WILL BE THE BEST CONCERT OF YOUR LIFE

when I found out that Garth would be at the rodeo this year I told Aunt Jane that my reward to beating El Diablo would be to see Garth.

And when tickets sold out in seconds I gave up hope of seeing him...

but she and her friend Susan surprised me and Aunt Jane took me to see Garth.

But by then my hip hurt so much I could barely walk.

But I loaded up on pain meds, borrowed a walker and by damn I went to see Garth.

And I cried when he came out and I went out of my mind...he was the most entertaining singer I have ever seen...and he had as much fun doing the show as I did watching him...

And Miss Trisha was there.

And I cried when she came out and I went out of my mind.

Because I love her...and him...and her cooking show.

I know Trisha and I would totally be besties.

We love Garth
We like to Cook
We are blondes
we like to eat

and I know we would spend hours just gabbing and eating and having cocktails and laughing...

because she is awesome...

and one day I want a man to love me like Garth loves Trisha...

damn that man loves that woman and it shows...and it is sweet as hell...

So after I totally lost my mind (and thanked God through the whole thing....I thanked him for Garth, for the rodeo, for Aunt Jane, for pain meds, for my walker, for surviving cancer so I could see him...) I came home the happiest little Stage 4 UPSC survivor ever....

and then my hip got worse...

but 5 days later The Cutest Boy in the World was having a fraternity Mom's weekend and his 20th birthday...

and there was no way I was missing that

because last year for his birthday I was just trying to live and this year I wanted to celebrate

so Aunt Jane cancelled her plans and went with me to the weekend so that I could be with my son.

I booked a handicapped accessible room and in the hotel designer's wisdom said room was as far from the elevator as a room could be.

Mind you by this time walking was hell and sitting was impossible.

But I loaded up on pain meds and got myself to the mom's dinner where apparently I now own the title of "Mom Who Has Son Who Looks Most Like Her"...

he's my clone...

thank goodness it's my looks he has and not my brain

he got that from his dad

I speak glitter
My son speaks science

I made it through the dinner but the next day I was unable to do anything...I will spare you the details but basically I wasn't helping myself with trying to walk the halls (even with the walker) and I was destroying my body...

It was hell coming home but I made it and then spent the next few days crying and screaming and needing help to eat, feed my cats, bathe and take care of myself and doing the simplest of tasks.

And by screaming I mean that I literally could not hold back the guttural screams that escaped my mouth when I moved and I was in so much pain I could not function.

I finally gave in and realized I needed to be in the hospital under the care of professionals.

I called Dr. Angel's office for help because after many calls to Dr. Rockstar's office I was pretty sure the girls there were not understanding that I was in a serious pain and needed help and were not telling her (and yes there will be a serious discussion with Dr. Rockstar about this).

Dr. Angel's office and staff are like him---they work to help the patients as much as they can and as fast as they can. So I asked  HeavenlyHeather (the receptionist) to call and after talking to me she went running to Nurse Kim who literally talked me off the ledge and told me what to do.

God bless those women...they are loving ladies who take good care of their people...

So armed with knowledge from Nurse Kim I called Dr. Rockstar's office and informed them I was heading to the hospital (that resulted in them hopping like bunnies and finally telling her what was going on and admittance orders being sent) and I called KuteKaren2 and she fetched me and took me to the hospital.

I spent 4 hours in admitting waiting on a bed.

I spent 4 hours in admitting waiting on a bed while lying on a couch with my legs up in the air.

KuteKaren2 didn't care that I looked a fool and Heavenly Heather ran over from radiology therapy to check on me so she could tell the #AngelTeam that I was going to be ok...

I had to wait for a bed because apparently I was not the only person in need of a hospital that day.

They told me that they might put me on a floor other than 3 Jones for gyno.

I said "No"

"I will go to 3 Jones"

"Mimi is there and she will be my nurse. I need her. And Adam."

(Mimi was my nurse when I had my hysterectomy...we bonded...I have always thought about her and asked for her when I had my hernia surgery. She was not there but I had the awesome Adam to take care of me. I love my nurses. They are angels.)

So FiNALLY  they had a bed and I had the longest and worse ride of my life--the wheelchair ride up to 3 Jones was total hell because sitting was total hell. Poor KuteKaren2 tried her best to distract me and to get the guy pushing my wheelchair to get me up there as fast as possible but Memorial Hermann is a very large hospital that is like a maze so it takes a while...

As we passed the nurses station out of the corner of my eye I saw---

MIMI

and then ADAM!

I got to the room and threw myself on the bed and went into my "lay on back with legs straight up" position for relief (right there that should have been a clue that we were dealing with a torn disk).

KuteKaren2 got me calmed down and settled in the room and by then I was begging for some pain relief....

and in the commotion of me getting into the bed and settled in the door opens and

MIMI WALKS IN

Oh thank you Jesus in heaven...

KuteKaren2 sees her name tag and we both say a little "yay it's Mimi" which totally confuses Mimi.

I tell Mimi "I thank God for you...I pray for you...you won't remember me but you made an impact on me and your care for me was beyond amazing"

Later she tells me that she wasn't supposed to take a patient that day because she was charge nurse and they were very busy but the nurse who was to have me was overwhelmed by her patients so Mimi took me on. She had no clue who I was but did tell me once she saw my name again she remembered.

So God gave Mimi to me...

Thank you God...

What followed was a night of trying to manage my pain and get me to a state of comfort so that I could just breathe without crying.

Unfortunately all drugs make me itch and since it was in a pump I was dosing myself and over did it a bit but once I found the right amount to "give" myself and they gave me Benadryl I was ok...but for a while there I was in pain and like a dog with fleas.

Finally they got my pain managed and then it was time to see why the hell I couldn't sit, stand or walk...

First they give me to the orthopedic department.

I meet cute Dr. Aggie

He was a doll and tells me I get to have an MRI.

And so I got the MRI.

At 2 am in the morning.

Not kidding.

2 AM IN THE MORNING

They loaded me up with pain meds, ambien and anxiety meds and loaded me in.

3 hours later they returned me to my bed.

Thankfully I slept the whole time.

(and it took 3 hours because...well I am not sure because I was sleeping...something about the machine not working and needing to be restarted but I was drugged out of my mind so I have no clue what happened).

Dr. Aggie says it's not my hip and I get another MRI

That one was done at 8 at night...

45 minutes with me drugged up again (I do not do well with closed spaces...very claustrophobic)

So after 2 MRI's, lots of pain meds, several days of nursing care and them handing me over to the neurology department it turns out that my "possible torn labrum in the hip" was...

drumroll please...

a torn disk between L4 and L5 and it's literally hitting the nerve to my hip unrelentingly.

The news was delivered to me by Dr. Adorable.

I love her.

She gets to be part of #teamunicorn

She's a resident but I plan to keep her around a lot.

When I asked her why this torn disk was causing me so much grief and I knew plenty of people who had torn disks who went about business as usual she informed me it was an "impressive" tear and that it was because the tear was hitting the nerve I was in constant pain.

There ya go.

Torn disk hitting nerve.

Apparently the neuro department was fascinated with my situation and gleeful that they stole me from ortho.

I told Dr. Adorable that I am a magical unicorn and that she could be part of the team and that I promised I would never bore her.

So I got to go home after 6 days and was given steroid meds and after a week I saw the neurosurgeon.

He did all kinds of strength tests.

And he checked my reflexes and sadly on my left side when he banged my knee with the little hammer it didn't move.

That is not good.

And then he had me stand behind a chair and try to stand on my bad leg and bend it while holding up my right leg and my leg crumpled under me.

That is really not good.

And now I am going to stop discussing what transpired between me and the neurosurgeon

Because you see as well meaning as most of you are there are some (many) of you who feel bound to give me your opinions on my condition.

And right now I need to trust my doctors.

I need to trust in what they are telling me what needs to be done.

And I need to trust that God has put me in the hands of who I need to be in the hands of.

So I am not going to say yet what my treatment is but I will say it is likely some surgery.

When it will happen I do not know.

What exactly he will do is something we are still discussing.

Who my doctor is is known to me and a few who need to know.

I learned through my hospital stay that sometimes I say too much...let too much out publicly.

Sometimes there are too many questions...phone calls when I am trying to be attended to for pain (yes please I love you all dearly but if I go in the hospital again please do not call the hospital and ask to speak to me...it seemed each time some well meaning friend called I was being attended to medically or was in so much pain it was really not a good time for a chat....)

I use this blog to get my feelings out but right now this particular medical crisis is one that I feel I need to sort out with myself, my team of doctors (including my oncologists because I am still a cancer patient) and my family and closest of friends.

I'm usually an open book but right now I need to keep the book a bit closed because I just can't have all the "you should go to him" or "you shouldn't do that!" or "you need second opinions from so and so" etc...

I had a discussion with my Aunt Jane as we left the neurosurgeons and I told her that I believe God has me on a path and has a plan for me and I need to trust in Him and trust that all has gone down as it should because it is part of His plan for my life.

I can go to many doctors and get many opinions but what was explained to me was pretty black and white and my anatomy is what it is.

Everyone's body is unique and different so hearing what your cousin's boyfriend's uncle had done to his back won't help mine...because it is MY spine and MY body...

I have to be in control here and use my own judgement and feelings on this so right now my judgement says that God is in control and I'm gonna follow God.

All of that being said I do have a point here and it's not so much about my condition itself but rather what I have learned about myself during all of this.

1) I can handle a lot of pain but at some point pain cannot be managed by my sheer will...

2) I am a warrior but no one can fight a war alone. You need an army. So I am building an army. We are gonna be #teamunicorn and for once in my life I will openly and honestly accept help from my friends because I am going to need it.

3) MRI's at 2 AM are annoying

4) my body is strong but sometimes it breaks...

5) hospital food is crappy but MH does make a damn good egg white omlette

6) God has a plan for me...it is not the plan I made but He is in control...I have to trust Him

7) nerve pain is far worse than surgical or muscle or joint pain...

8) I will never take walking, sitting or standing for granted again

9) nurses rock...and MH has the best ones in the whole world and I was so blessed to have the ones I did to take care of me...each and every human that attended to me was amazing and wonderful and I love each of them very much...

10) I can't change what happened to me so I have to move ahead...yes I hurt and it's been hard but whining about it endlessly does not change my situation or my spine...so I have to stay positive and look forward and move on the path.

So I will go back to #2 for a minute because that has possibly been the most impactful thing of all for me.

I've had to lean on friends.

Without KuteKaren2, Aunt Jane, Marvelous Maggie, Downtown Julie Brown, Super Sandra, Dreamy Deanna, my babes EthanBae and JohnBae, SuperSusan, SuperSuzanne, Marvelous Muffet, SweetLisa, GOTTESS, GOTT, TwirlerGirl, KuteKelly, HeavenlyHeather, MarvelousMichelle, and my AtomicBlondeTrish and so many I am sure I am forgetting I could not have made it through all of this...

I have needed help eating...feeding my cats...getting dressed...getting to the hospital...keeping my spirits up...getting groceries and cat food for me...bringing me treats to keep my spirits up...holding my hand seeing the doctors...

I have needed  a lot of help...

and if I have surgery I will need even more help

So I truly know that it takes a village to raise me and care for me...

I have needed the help of my doctors offices as well as my friends...and all the nurses who took care of me...

I don't ask for help easily.

I like to be the helper not the one being helped.

I'm the one who wants to jump in and take care of things and make things better for others.

But right now I am at the mercy of my body and I can't drive...lift or carry things...walk very far...stand very long...sit for very long...

I can't do much at all

So my friends have had to do it for me.

I can't tell you how humiliating it is to ask someone to bring you your toothbrush when you are stuck in bed but honestly I couldn't get up and walk far enough and stand long enough to do it...so others had to do it for me.

I've had to have help bathing and getting dressed.

Not easy for me (but lucky for me I am not modest so there ya go)

Asking someone else to help is hard for me to do.

But I also know that since I am someone who likes to help that others do to.

They feel helpless to change your situation so they want to help you by doing things for you.

I get that now.

I need to let my friends do things for me because it helps them too...it's acts of love and service and that means so much to me.

So I am learning...

and I will need to ask for more help so get ready...

I don't have a partner and the cats can't do anything for me other than snuggles and cuddles so I need my friends to do things I can't...

So when the time comes I will reach out and ask for the help...

and if you know me I will be specific about what I need...

and I can't tell you how much it means to me and how much I appreciate it.

I once said that friendships are like a garden...
you have some plants that bloom a short time and then go...
and others that bloom annually...
and some are vegetables and fruits and they nourish me...
and some are flowers and they add to the beauty of my life...
and some are trees and they shade and protect me...
and yeah there are some weeds...

Right now my friendship garden is in full bloom.

And right now all of you are the rain and sunshine in my world along with all the plants.

The plants are nourishing me as they do in real life because they give off oxygen and I need oxygen right now...and each plant in my friendship garden is giving oxygen and feeding me and making my days more beautiful.

My doctors are part of my garden too and so are my nurses and the techs and office staff that help the doctors...I guess they are the herbs and medicinal plants that help me stay healthy...

And God is the gardener...he is tending to all of it...

So thank you all for your love and support and prayers and help...

I need all of it.

And I am so grateful for all of it.

When a plan is made and things are clear I will let you know more.

For now keep blooming and flourishing in my garden of love and friendship...

Because as the Beatles say

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Inspiration Song: "I Get by with a Little Help from My Friends" by the Beatles...because these days I can't do things alone...I need help

Bye darlings...sorry to be harsh on the medical stuff but right now I need to sort things out for myself with my doctors and those closest to me. When I know more I will let YOU know more...