Sunday, March 24, 2013

Let's Hear it for the Boy

15 years ago God graced me with the most perfect gift ever...my son...

Today he turns 15...and it totally freaks me out.

I am asking myself all the cliche questions...

"Where did the time go?"

"How did he get so big?"

"How do I have a child who can DRIVE?' (learner's permit)

"Why is my toddler now a man?"

I will fully and readily admit (because I have witnesses to this) that...

I DID NOT WANT A BOY

I cried to some friends after my ultrasound that I was so unhappy I was having a boy...I liked girl things and girl stuff and not boy clothes and boy stuff...and...sports...

But I got over it in about a day and decided that my ex be damned (we were married at the time) that my boy was still going to wear sweet clothes and smocked little outfits...

And he did...

I had a fairly easy time with his labor.  Ke$ha Barbie took her own sweet time (it was an indicator of things to come) but he decided he was hungry and wanted out.

He was born at 1:43 in the afternoon...I do remember being slightly perturbed that his arrival was interrupting the end of "The Bold and the Beautiful" and that "As the World Turns" was going to be out of the question.

He was blasted out by a fair amount of Pitocin and a lot of pushing from his mother.

My OB, who is a friend of mine, spent the entire delivery dissecting the gowns worn by the actresses at the previous night's Oscar ceremony.  We voted Kim Basinger "worst dressed".  I am pretty sure it was the year of Titanic...

She placed him on my stomach and he proceeded to try and drag himself up my body to my breast.

My OB encouraged me to nurse him ...so I did...he was a hungry little baby...(it was an indicator of things to come).

Although I had an easy delivery with him, he was not an easy baby.  His sister was an easy baby...The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) was not...

He only really liked me...

He hated hated hated car rides and that car seat basket thing...

And he had an ear infection every 3 weeks.

He was a miserable baby.

His father was not sure he was entirely fond of him.  I'm not sure I blamed him.

But once we got the ear tubes put in he was a different child...a happy sweet baby boy.

The screaming in the car was unnerving.  The only thing that seemed to calm him was for his sister to sing "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks to him.  I'm not kidding...

My mother bought him a new car seat and that seemed to help.  I think it was the angle that the other one sat him in...with all of the ear infections I think it put pressure on his ears...

One night I had a meeting and Ke$ha Barbie and TCBITW were under the care of their father.  I think my son was about 3-5 months old.

My ex was giving them a bath together.  He LEFT THE SIDE OF THE TUB TO GO AND ANSWER THE PHONE.

When he came back my son had slipped under the water...he was laying face up with 5 inches of water over him and Ke$ha Barbie happily splashing away (she was 5...and she swears that even though at that time she considered him to be her mortal enemy she did not wish him to drown).

His father scooped him up (he was under about 10 seconds maybe) and he was fine.

I still remind my ex of that at times...but only in a joking way...it would be hurtful to do so otherwise.

My ex had planned to keep it quiet...along with my mother as she was who was on the phone...but Ke$ha Barbie informed me of it the second I got home.

I got over it...and I got over the clothes stuff and the sports stuff too...

I love watching my son participate in any sport...I am sad he is no longer playing lacrosse because I really love watching it...and I have found my love for wrestling and I tolerate football (but if he gets another concussion he is DONE).

I could blog endlessly about how amazing and awesome I think my son (and daughter) are but who wants to read that?

I will tell you that he is smart, he is wise, he is handsome, he is funny, he is charming, and he is a total and complete nerd and I am just fine with it.

The only thing about him I would change is his addiction to Xbox...and maybe the way he enjoys passing gas in my car...

The Xbox thing is unnerving at times...he plays with a headset on and says the craziest things out loud...it's like he has Tourette's or something...

I think my favorite thing he ever said was:

"Don't kiss me, Mom! I'm trying to assassinate people here!"

I hope this is not an indication of things to come....

When he was little he had a thing about sleeves...and he still does...he can't stand to have long sleeves on.  When he was a toddler he would wave his arms around and say "I don't "wike" weeves" (I don't like sleeves).

He could most often be found with only one shoe on.  Or just one sock.  I have an awesome picture of that from my friend DivineDana.  Our sons were the best of friends and I have some truly amazing photos thanks to her photography skills.  Awesome pictures that will make excellent blackmail through the years.  My son loved and still loves her, her son, and her husband...and I am pretty sure he thinks that their daughter is gorgeous but he won't admit it because "ewww gross that is my friend's SISTER!"

His sister tortured him endlessly.  She used to claim he completely ruined his life.

I am happy to say they love each other now but for a while there I was pretty sure one of them was going to kill the other.

I'm not so sure she still isn't trying to kill him because she informed me she bought him (dead) grenades for his birthday at some Army/Navy surplus store.  She keeps assuring me they are harmless...and I am pretty sure he will love them.

Right now he wants an assault rifle more than anything in this world.  I think he has earned the undying love of my friend RoyBoy for that one...I told him that the only gun I was planning to purchase was a small handgun painted "Tiffany Blue"...that is much more me than an assault rifle...

He's not perfect but he comes close.

When I look at him I am filled with joy...it's like he's a Disney Movie or something...

he walks into a room and woodland creatures begin to come out, music plays, rainbows and flowers bloom, and the sun shines...

all because he walked into the room...

Every.Single.Time.

He has the most beautiful blue eyes.

He has one dimple (just like me)...I say it is where the angels kissed him before sending him down to me.

He hates vegetables (even though I craved only veggies when I was pregnant...maybe that was an indicator of things to come?)

He has blonde hair that gets so bleached out during the summer I call him "Q-tip"

He has always had a deep voice...

He's strong as an ox...but sweet and soft and sensitive...

He will make some woman a very lucky wife and he will be a wonderful father...I just pray that is decades or at least many many years away...

God knew what he was doing when he gave me a son...he gave me such a treasure...and I am so lucky to be his mother.

Inspiration Song: "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams...from the "Footloose" soundtrack...you know when Ren teaches Willard how to dance...

Bye Darlings...let's hear it for my boy...he is 15 today...and let's hear it for all the boys (and girls) that God has blessed us with...




Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I Enjoy Being a Girl

Don't ask me why but when I was a child I was pretty much obsessed with this song...

The fact that it came from a musical about Chinese Americans and the cultural clash between the generations was lost on me...I just loved the song...

I knew it came from "Flower Drum Song" and I can tell you that without a doubt I have always been and will always be a HUGE Rogers and Hammerstein fan...

I can sing every word to every song in "Cinderella" and "The Sound of Music" and "Oklahoma" and I come pretty close with "South Pacific" and "The King and I".  Notsomuch with "Carousel" and "State Fair" and although I have seen the film version of "Flower Drum Song" this is the only song I know...well, this and "Chop Suey".

I am a big Lerner and Lowe fan too ("Camelot" and "My Fair Lady"...I have always been a musical theater nut...that is why I love and get along so well with GOTT and GOTTESS...

But this song...oh, it spoke to me then and it speaks to me now...

Because I have always enjoyed being a girl...always...

I used to sing this song while playing it on my RECORD PLAYER in my bedroom.  I could pantomime the entire song...and I especially loved the part that says:

"I talk on the telephone for hours with a pound and a half of cream upon my face"...

Here are most of the lyrics...because I am pretty sure that 99.99 % of you are unfamiliar (except for MarvelousMargaret...she can probably sing them all too):

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.


I mean, come on...it's like R&H wrote this song about ME!

It is like totally amazeballs...and totally me...

What brought all of this to mind was a little silly thing I did this week...I changed my facebook photo...

Wow...

It's amazing what channeling your inner drag queen can do for a girl...because you see I have learned A LOT about being a girl from drag queens.

I am a huge huge huge fan of "RuPaul's Drag Race" (if you haven't seen it, I beg you to do so...)

Once I went to New Orleans with my beautiful friend Glamazon for a bachelorette party.  We basically kidnapped our friend (who I will refer to as "Bridezilla" to protect her innocence) and threw her on a plane with a blindfold on.

Yes, this was well before 9/11...

We lied to her that she was going to Vegas...ALONE...and that someone would be there to pick her up.

The entire crew of the Southwest flight was in on the ruse...even the other passengers...

We snuck on the plane and midway through the flight attendants told her to remove the blindfold and go to the back of the plane where we were waiting...

I think she might have yelled "BITCHES" all the way down the aisle.

We got to NOLA and proceeded to have a wild and great night in the French Quarter.  We ate at a restaurant called "Lucky Cheng's" that did Asian/Cajun fusion food and all the waitresses were drag queens.  

Me, being a lover of all things gay, wild, and fun...and most especially drag queens (who are NOT all gay by the way...not that it matters anyway)...well, I thought this place was a hoot and a holler...

Our waitress was named "Paloma" and she had the most beautiful makeup I have ever seen. 

She.Was.Gorgeous.

She gave us makeup tips...I still use them...

Once, when I had an insomnia night, I tuned in to some show based on the movie "The Big Easy" and she was playing a waitress...

Paloma...thou art beautiful...

The hostess was a 6 ft. "something" (like bigger than 6 ft) tall black drag queen. She was also gorgeous...as all the waitresses were...but she was truly stunning.

She was wearing an "I dream of Jeannie" wig and satin maribou heels (in pink) that made her even taller.  She also had fabulous makeup.  

And her outfit...

Well, just picture it...

A pink lace dress...with pink satin bra and panties underneath.

Her eyelashes were to die for...

Amazeballs

I had to use the phone...this was in the dark ages before everyone carried a cell phone...so I had to use a real live phone...and I was directed to the hostess stand where the very beautiful angel in pink presided.

I had never left Ke$ha Barbie overnight so it was my first time...I called home to check on her and ended up in tears.

I look over at Black Barbie and she is crying too...

She took my hand and said "come on honey...we are going to the bar!" and proceeded to order me some drink I had to bang on the bar and slam down...

Ah...she was an angel.

We had a great time that night...and it ended at Cafe DuMonde and Glamazon had powdered sugar all over her face from the beignets...and damn she was still stunning...even with powdered sugar...

And she still is...like unbelievably gorgeous...and our girls are now in college but that night with her was one of the best of my life...I guess that is why I remember it so clearly...

So back to me and MY inner drag queen...

Lately I have been experimenting with my hair...I bought some new steam rollers and I've played with my hair with them...and I like them...and they are easy to use...and the leave my hair super soft and curly and pretty...

You might remember them from 20 years ago but they have vastly improved...I use the Caruso Steam Setter...

bought it on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Caruso-C97953-Molecular-Hairsetter-Rollers/dp/B0002JKPB8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363834198&sr=8-1&keywords=caruso+steam+rollers

you might find a better deal than that but it was the first one that popped up...LOVE THEM

So I had my hair curled...

And I just got some new false eyelashes (being a drag queen myself I love me some lashes) and the most beautiful I have ever seen come from Lilly Lashes.  I am a total Bravo junkie and every time I watched "The Shah's of Sunset" I was obsessed with Lilly's eyes...well she has a false eyelash business and they are the bomb...and you can stack them...I just have one pair on in my facebook photo (Shanghai style)...and they have great customer service...

http://lillylashes.com/shop/

Amazeballs

so I took a photo and posted it to facebook...y'all seem to like it...

I saw my wonderful surgeon today...I told her I am her happiest patient...and yes, I enjoy all the "make me a better girl" things that Dr. Bonnie Baldwin did for me...and today I had her do Botox (I am an open book...don't mind telling you I let her fill my forehead with poison in the name of looking better!). 

She.Is.Amazing...

and if you need anything...from Botox to major surgery...she is the one to see...super nice as is her awesome staff...

I am healing up great and I have to say...

(again being a total open book here)

I love my boobs...

since I am a girl who never "had" boobs before...well, I really love mine...because I look totally natural...

I told her that they looked like God gave them to me...but instead he let his goddess (Dr. Baldwin) do it for him...

That's what I love about her...she gave me the body I wish I had been born with and I look natural and not fake or "done".

Amazeballs 

(JayVee loves that "amazeballs" is my new word...)

I even bought a bikini...

Now I will NOT under ANY circumstances post a photo of that here...no way no how...but I will happily wear it in my own back yard or when I go on a girl's trip with GOTTESS in a few weeks.

I have worn bikinis before but I did not look amazeballs in it...not that I do now but I sure as hell look better...

I think the last time I looked good in a bikini I was 5 and Aunt Jane rescued me from a wave in Hawaii...

(please note that there is like a whole STANZA about wearing a bikini in the above mentioned song...)

I do enjoy being a girl...

I love wearing perfume and lace...

My bathroom counter looks like a Sephora store exploded on it...

I love my new figure and the fact I finally have cute breasts...

I love getting flowers...and right now since I don't have a man to give me flowers I buy my own lilies at Whole Foods...

I like putting on makeup and curling my hair and wearing cute clothes...

I.Love.Lingerie. (the prettier the better)

I love high high high heels...

I wear cute workout clothes (but thankfully not the see-thru Lululemon pants)

But I also love taking my cute girly self and getting into my big ass truck...

So some day, when a man is good enough to earn me (and drives his own big ass truck) I hope he appreciates having a girl like me...until then The Cutest Boy in the World is just happy when I shower and take him to dinner...and he's a damn good date...

So enjoy being whatever YOU are...a girly girl...a guy's guy...a not-so-femme woman...whatever you like being...just be the best version of yourself and love yourself as you are...and enjoy being WHO you are...


Be...

AMAZEBALLS


Inspiration Song: "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from "Flower Drum Song"...many versions from Doris Day to Peggy Lee to soundtracks...I enjoy them all...

Bye Darlings...channel your inner drag queen (seriously go watch RuPaul) and enjoy being a girl...or a guy...just enjoy being YOU!