Sunday, November 27, 2016

I Want You Back

Hi Darlings,

This is will be the fastest blog I have ever written...hopefully my computer will cooperate...and I seem to have lost the ability to type and spell...

Looks like tomorrow is the day...unless I get an early phone call canceling we are gonna kick this cancer to the curb.

And I am ready for it...

I'm tired of feeling bad and hurting and worrying and wondering and being afraid...

I have been overwhelmed by your love and support...truly you have no idea how much it all means to me.

So get those tiaras ready and take a photo and tag me in...for some reason unless you tag me in with my name it won't post to my timeline and I can't figure out how to fix it...

So tiara on and take a selfie...

I'm really trying to be brave.

I have to be.

I had to be brave and stick a needle in my stomach 3 times (no that was not fun but I prefer that to dying of a blood clot).

I've had to be brave for my kids and my students.

I miss the old me.

I miss the me before cancer.

The girl who got to go to spin and yoga.

That girl.

The one who relentlessly posted about how much she loved to exercise.

I miss my cocktails.

Haven't really wanted one since all the pain started.

And once you hear "cancer" you further clean up your act and one glass of wine feels scary.

Not that I drank that much before...but I am pretty sure my body is wondering what happened to "Dirty Martini Saturday"...

I want her back...the girl with the workouts
the girl who drank martinis

I also want the girl who didn't live in pain back

And the one who cooked things other than soup

And that girl who got to be with her students

And who didn't spend a lot of time in bed

And how dear heaven how I want my Meloxicam back

If I ever am caught stealing it will not be illicit drugs...it will be an arthritis medication.

Dear Meloxicam,
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...
I love thee for allowing me to spin
For you giveth me a lack of pain
I love thee for allowing me to do yoga
for you giveth me the ability to stretch
Meloxicam, Meloxicam
where for art thou, Meloxicam?

And sitting in a bottle in my kitchen is that magical drug that I long to get back in my body so my joints will stop reminding me that along with cancer I have arthritis.

"Alex, I will take "Things that can go wrong with your body" for $1000 please!"
Answer :what is Arthritis?

Yeah, cancer is not the answer anyone wants...

not that arthritis is desirable but between the two....

ehhhhhhhhhh....

yeah, I am sticking with the bad joints

So yeah, I am ready for that girl to come back...one is doesn't want to cry when she gets up from a chair...

So much can happen tomorrow...but I can't think about anything but the good...

I am watching Guardians of the Galaxy as I type this...and I am reminded of my dream of my surgeon and her resident and my gynecologist walking into the surgical suite suited up as the Guardians...

Let's call them the:

GUARDIANS OF THE GYNO

because they are gonna fix me!

I have to stay positive...

So if you are so inclined, take a photo with a tiara on

And maybe do a dance for me...

I'll let you know how I am doing and when I come out the other side as:

CANCER SURVIVOR

Because

I, AND MY ROCKSTAR SURGEON AND THE MOST GORGEOUS GYNO IN THE WORLD ARE GONNA KICK CANCER IN THE ASS TOMORROW

Inspiration Song: I  told GOTT to have the kids pray and then dance to "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5 for me tomorrow...I want them to dance like they are Baby Groot...I want video of it...because you can't be scared or sad if you are dancing like Groot to this song...I'm gonna do it too...

Bye Darlings...I'll see you when I have kicked cancer out of me...dance like you are Groot...and PUT ON YOUR TIARAS AND SHINE FOR ME!!!!


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Get Over It

Hi Darlings...

Well here I am knee deep in this cancer surgery mess...but I am pretty sure prayers are being answered and things are looking up...

They had me go in today for me pre-op check up and anesthesia consult.

Good news: they say I am on the schedule
Bad news: but they can't confirm that it is really going to happen

le sigh...

It's just one of the things that I have had to get over in this journey with cancer---the uncertainty.

I think my biggest struggle is the loss of control.

That I don't know IF I do get to have the surgery and that I don't know HOW BAD the cancer is.

I can't control the cancer.

And I can't control the hospital schedule.

le sigh (yes I literally did sigh...then took a long drag on the straw in my can of Lacroix water)
and

le sigh again...

I don't do well with a loss of control.

I am the person who plans her trips with every minute accounted for---even if it is rest time.

I don't like people to help me with project lest they don't do it the way I like (the exception is my students and we have a system)

I'm such a control freak that I will re-arrange the dishwasher before running it if someone else put the dishes in and I will re-arrange the fridge if someone else put the groceries away.

So this whole business about having cancer and the unknown is literally messing with my brain as well as my uterus.

It's just something I will have to get over...

le sigh

And I have a whole list of things I have to get over (yes, I made a list...it's on my phone...I can show you...)

I don't like that I will miss my spin and yoga classes...and that the pain I am experiencing is keeping me from them.  And that I had to give up my arthritis medication so now I walk like a 90 year old woman and every joint hurts so that contributes to not being able to spin or do yoga.

I literally cry every time I walk into Revolution Studio now because I know just how much I am going to miss it while I recover. I miss those people so much that I gave them a scarf to sign for me so I can keep them with me in the hospital and when I recover.

Yoga and spin keep me sane.  I don't know what I will do without my workouts.  I know I will be in pain for a while but it will be a mental struggle to not drive to the studio and be among my tribe.  I've met some of my dearest friends there and I have met some wonderful people who are becoming very important in my life...when you sweat next to someone or have a yoga instructor lovingly assist you or have your spin instructor call you out in class and gives you words that make you brave---well it is so much more than a gym...

I also love my FitBit and this business with my joints hurting and me being tired is messing with my daily FitBit goals.  I am motivated by numbers...if I don't get my steps in it feels like a failure. (for example---in the middle of writing this blog I got up and took a walk)

I don't like being so tired...so bone dead tired.  I lack the strength and energy I am used to having but between pain meds and pain itself I don't get around as well as I did.

and I don't like needing to take pain meds...I really hate that.  I don't like that they make me feel lethargic and I really hate that they make me itch.

And when I say itch I mean like I have the chicken pox with no pox...
A dog with fleas...
like being wrapped in burlap
like rolling in hay

itch
itch
itch

and they all do it to me...

I'm scratching right now

and the worse part is after surgery they have to put me on some really big strong ones and they really make me itch.

le sigh

Apparently I will be given Benadryl at the same time---color me fun while that happens...might be a good time to take a YouTube video of me because I am sure to say and do something totally stupid and fall asleep mid-sentence.  I'm bound so do something that will surely win you the big bucks on the funny video show...

so get those cameras ready...

I might have to change my password on my blog to something I can't remember so I am not tempted to blog while on heavy meds...heaven knows what I might say.  Let's add Facebook and SnapChat and Instagram to that list...

So if I text you something inappropriate, or that seems out of character, or if I suddenly start posting videos of children singing "Let it Go" and tell you it's wonderful---well, get over it and forgive me!

(Note to self: do not post about politics or football or songs from Frozen while on pain meds...)

I've had to get over my denial that I have cancer...sometimes I just say "hell to the no I don't have cancer" but then I go and get poked again or am told a med to take or I feel like I need a 30 hour nap and I am reminded that I have it...

So I have to own it...

that's the only way to get over it is to own it...

and fight like hell...

I feel like I am constantly complaining...that I can't get over...and I can't get over feeling guilty that I am whining about myself when so many others have it worse...

that one is one to tackle with some therapy perhaps...

And with these pain meds and fatigue I need to take naps.

I don't feel guilty about naps.

I got over that one in a nanosecond

Naps rule...

and I am now completely over the fact that I need to often stop and go to my bed and lay on a heating pad...that prevents the need for more pain meds and relaxes me...it will be hard to get over doing that when I recover...

Now here is a big one to get over:

ASKING FOR HELP

I fail miserably at that...

like I am the WORST

I was drowning trying to finish the show when all of this pain and cancer diagnosis stuff was happening but would not ask for help.  My friend MarvelousMaryF saw what was happening and how tired I was and she called in the reinforcements in the form of DarlingDeborah to come and help me finish the sewing for our Alice show.  Those ladies are true friends.  I didn't ask...they just showed up.  I love them dearly...because when you show up for someone because you know they need help and won't ask, well my friends that is a good friend...

My friend DarlingDebbie says I need to let people help me because they feel helpless about my situation.  She says I need to let them do something, even if it is a very small thing, so that they can feel better.  I understand that completely.  I love to help and I love to reach out to those in need and cook, or drive, or run an errand, or send an uplifting message.

But I don't like to ask for it for myself.

I'm trying to get over that...and in the next day or so I will let you know how you can help...right now the main thing I need is prayers...

Here's one I am not sure I want to get over: loss of appetite...

Ok I jest...a bit...

I've pretty much lost my appetite these last weeks...not sure if it is pain, pain killers, being told "it's uterine cancer" or just a big combination of nerves and generally feeling, well, crappy...but whatever it is I'm not much into eating.

Which is not a bad thing since I need to lose weight...

Of course now I only want to eat totally organic good stuff...but somehow Whole Foods Chocolate Mousse is also on the list of things I crave...along with Whataburger...which is not organic

le sigh

So I will probably get over the organic thing pretty quick although I do try to buy organic and definitely local whenever possible (by the way this does not open my diet up for discussion nor do I wish any well-meaning messages telling me I need to eat certain things or in a certain way...at this point I am eating what I can eat...)

And then today I found out I have to get over a super huge fear and stick myself with a needle...

in my stomach...

and it's a real needle and syringe...

and I have to do it 3 times...

have I mentioned that I really really hate needles?

like when they show someone getting a needle stuck in them on tv or a movie I have to cover my eyes...I can't watch myself get blood drawn...I can't watch an iv go in or look at it after until it is covered up...

I.hate.needles.

(apologies to all my dear friends with diabetes or conditions that require constant pricks and pokes with needles...you are my heroes)

I'm pretty sure it is going to take me a good 20-30 minutes to get up the courage to stick the needle in...maybe longer...but I need to do it because apparently unicorn blood is kind of thick and sticky and what do you know I need a special blood thinner...

so needles...

yeah...

le sigh...
le sigh...
le sigh...

and NO, NO ONE needs to come over and stick me because I am such a baby...this is one of those things that I have to do because it is something I have to get over...and to grow up...and to not depend on someone else to clean up my mess...

And one thing I will never get over is the love and support I have found among my friends...the outpouring of hope, love, and prayers...the offers to help me...

I literally can't believe how blessed I am...

I need to get over feeling I don't deserve it...

I need to accept that I am as worthy as anyone else to get healed and be helped...

so yeah...

and then there's the cancer...

and to that I say:

I AM GONNA GET THE HELL OVER YOU AND KICK YOU TO THE CURB!

Inspiration Song: "Get Over It" by the Eagles...I think it is getting added to the kick cancer playlist...I am going to power myself up to do this...

Bye darlings...sometimes the hardest thing to get over is not the illness but what comes along with it...and in my case it is a big hurdle...but I will get over it...










Tuesday, November 22, 2016

You Dropped A Bomb on Me

Hi darlings!

Well I was all prepared today to tell you how we are gonna take what is happening to me and turn it into some good but instead I got some news that is making me take the term "pity party" to a whole new level...

I am in a great deal of pain.

Pain from the fibroids.

Terrible pain in my lower back too...guess it is the enlarged uterus.

Pain in all my joints because I had to stop taking my arthritis medication.

Pain that is not solved by Tylenol but only Vicodin or Tylenol 3...

But I can't take those meds and function...

This has disrupted my beloved workouts and is making it very difficult to try and prepare for Xmas.

But I knew it was all going to come to an end on Monday, November 28 and I would trade this pain from post-operative pain and it would end.  And then I could heal. And then I could function again.  And then I could quit complaining and feeling sorry for myself.

And I would't have cancer in my body anymore...

yeah, that's a big one...

it's not bunnies, it is cancer...

So I have my eye on the prize that is November 28 and I get a call from the doctor's scheduler.

Dr. Rockstar is trying to move heaven and earth to take care of me but there are a few little problems:
1) i couldn't have surgery earlier this week because I was on meds that cause blood thinning
2) it is Thanksgiving week and she is out of town Friday (which would have been a week)
3) the OR's at the hospital are really really booked with people getting surgery before the end of the year since they have met their deductible.
4) I'm not the only person with cancer in this city...

So we are TENTATIVE for the 28th but its not a sure thing...

AND I WILL NOT KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL 8 AM THE MORNING OF THE 28TH

yes, you read that right....I won't know for sure.

And it would be this way to Methodist or MD Anderson...

Because there are sick people in this city and I am just one of them.

Trust me I am more than happy to know I am bumped for some poor woman with stage 4 ovarian, or a woman with multiple malignant breast tumors, or the poor man with advanced lung cancer, or the sweet child who has a brain tumor.  I just have very early stage uterine cancer so I am not in the least bit fooling myself that I need to be a priority.

But sadly I will have to take a backseat to women with ordinary needs for a hysterectomy (not cancer, but need it out), to gall bladder surgeries, and to that guy who has put off his knee replacement surgery all year and now is gonna get it.

And of course their are emergencies and those take priority...

All surgery I have had in my life has been elective except for this and my ectopic pregnancy.  I had a choice on my gall bladder and my meniscus repairs.  My tonsillectomy was scheduled along with my sister. I chose to have a tummy tuck.

But this one I have no choice in...and every minute that cancer is in my body it is growing and spreading...maybe slowly or maybe quickly.

We don't know...

and won't...

until I get cut open.

and until then I feel like I have a bomb inside me ready to go off...
and I am in a lot of pain...
and emotionally this is doing a lot of damage to me...

And one of the largest battles I am having is not with the pain, and not with the fear...

But it is with the fact I feel GUILTY about complaining...and I feel GUILTY that I want to be a priority...and I feel GUILTY that I am crying and feeling sorry for myself...

and you prepare yourself for this stuff and it might not happen...

and worse yet I might get a call that morning that says "Sorry, but you aren't going to get the lifesaving surgery you need...you have to wait".

I know that they won't do that and bump me for a knee replacement but someone might need lifesaving surgery more than I do..

I can only hope that the guy who needs a knee replacement decides to change the timing...or someone has to reschedule for some reason so I can be locked in.

When the scheduler said the OR is booked she said it is literally booked up until the end of the year.  If I don't get it Monday there is a good chance I might not see that OR until late December.

Um...no

HELL TO THE NO

But I am not the only one...and trust me as this rages inside me I am bargaining with God asking him to make the guy who needs a knee replacement decide to go to Hawaii and that I don't take precedence over a sweet child.

So a bomb got dropped on me again...

first, I have cancer...

and now I might not get it fixed as fast as I want it to be...

But like tangled Christmas lights I need to find a way to handle this with deep breaths and not get frustrated.  I need to look at this as a chance to fully put myself in God's beautiful hands and He will get me there on His time.

But I don't wait very well...

yeah, I was the kid that looked for the Xmas presents in the closet....I peek at the ending of books...I will watch who gets eliminated from a show and then watch the whole thing if I happen to walk in and just see the ending...

I am not a patient patient...

I ask for all of you to pray that I get the surgery next Monday...that I find patience inside me so I can hold on until then...that I can find a way to control my pain so I can work out or just enjoy the holiday...and that my children don't have one more thing to terrify them...

I ask for you prayers...and I in turn give you all my love...

Pray for all of us with cancer...for all who struggle...and for the mighty doctors that fix it...

And maybe, this big horrible bomb that got dropped on me today will turn out to be a dud and I will get to be wheeled into the OR with my tiara on...

Inspiration Song: You Dropped the Bomb on Me by the Gap Band.  Seriously one of my very favorite songs...and that is how I feel...a bomb got dropped on me again...

Bye Darlings...I am trying to stay positive....I need you to keep me there...keep love and light on social media and keep me, my kids, and all those who are suffering in your prayers...


Monday, November 21, 2016

Cherry Bomb

Hi darlings...

Well it has been one week since I heard the words "you might have cancer" and "I think we need to bring an oncologist in on this".

One.long.week.

And it's been 4 days since the word "might" became "you do have cancer" and "think we need" became "you need an oncologist".

and 3 days since I told all of you...

a bomb was dropped on my life and I had no way to defuse it...I just had to let it explode and then pick up the pieces and rebuild.

First I want to say a big huge thank you for all the love and support you have sent my way.  It has overwhelmed me in a way I never expected.  I truly and deeply touched and I can't believe how blessed I am by all of you and all the prayers you are sending my way.

I write this blog as therapy and share it because every time I write I hope that it will make someone think, or reach out, or feel better about themselves, or will try to exercise or cook or eat healthier, or, in the case of the last blog---maybe get someone to the doctor.  Over 1333 of you have read my last blog and the number grows.  I don't know that many people.  It means people are sharing my words with others and I hope from the bottom of my heart it makes someone not settle for "pain is just part of it" and will go to the doctor and get checked.  It might save a life.  And THAT is worth it all...

So here's what happens when you find out you have cancer...or rather here is what happens after I found out I had cancer...

you sit on the couch and cry
and then you walk to the kitchen to pour a drink but grab water instead
and then you go sit on the couch and say a lot of bad words
and you call a few loved ones
and then you pray and thank God that it was found early

And then I did what a lot of us do and I hit up the internet.

And I learned a few things.

And then, on the advice of my excellent General Practitioner doc (I call her Dr. Beauty cause yes, just like the rest of my superhero women team she is stunning), I stopped looking at the internet.

Because it scares the holy you-know-what out of you

Because statistics are scary and I have already proven that I am some sort of unicorn and stats don't apply to me.

I don't want to know a bunch of stuff that scares me...I want to know what my doctors tell me.

I did learn one thing: PEACH is the color for Uterine Cancer.

I look terrible in peach

I'm a natural blonde...it doesn't work...

now why couldn't it have been something pretty like pink or turquoise?  I totally rock those colors...

but peach...

notsomuch

so I am going to declare that since I have Princess Cancer the color for that will be:

drumroll please...

GLITTER!

(yes Glitter is totally a color)

So yeah, glitter it is..,

I will wear a peach ribbon and be all about that but really it's Princess Cancer and it is Glitter...

In the last few days I have made some decisions about how this hospital stuff is going to go down:

I am wearing a tiara to the OR...I'm pretty sure Dr. Gorgeous will back me up on it...I have a nice big sparkly tiara but I might buy a new one that is just for this occasion.  And then I will pass it on to the next gal I know who gets to kick Princess Cancer to the curb.  I'm pretty sure I won't find one with a uterus on it but maybe a heart is good.  I don't care if I have to wear it over the shower cap thing...I am wearing sparkles to surgery.

I have a beautiful scarf that I bought at Revolution Studio a few years ago...I have left it with my friends there to sign for me...I want to carry my sweat family into surgery with me or at least have them with me after to wrap around me and feel like they are hugging me.

I'm gonna be stuck in the hospital for a few days drugged up really good...so I am going to bring my own pillow and maybe a blanket that feels good to me...I wanted one of those cute mermaid blankets but unfortunately they will make checking the surgical area pretty hard to reach so that will have to wait until I get home...

I had a dream about my surgical team the night I went to see the oncologist.  I dreamed that they walked into surgery dressed like the Guardians of the Galaxy and the strutted in to Cherry Bomb by the Runaways...I kinda want that to be real...I kinda want to ride into the OR to Cherry Bomb...I think it is appropriate...I had planned to dance my way to the OR to an Abba song (probably Dancing Queen) but apparently I am going to be under for a while and I have to wear some special bootie things to keep me from getting blood clots.  So no dancing to the OR.  But before they take me away I will play Cherry Bomb...

So yeah, I am gonna be a sparkly unicorn princess in the hospital...you would expect nothing less of me!

As for what I am doing to prepare, well, I think the biggest hurdle is the mental one so i am trying to stay positive.  I've had to stop taking my arthritis medication so on top of having pain from the fibroids I now have every joint aching and screaming at me.

So I went to spin class to say "to hell with cancer" and even though it hurt I still got my ride in with my beloved Marvelous Mel and I took all the positivity she gave us in class and soaked it up to fill my heart.  I'm going to try to spin or do yoga as much as my body allows me to...Revolution Studio is my sanctuary and it is as much a place for my mental health as my physical health.  I've felt such love there and made so many wonderful loving friends there.

I had a birthday yesterday.

I turned 52.

I will turn 53.

And I will look back on this birthday with joy because I will survive cancer and I will make it through this year.  I'm gonna make uterine cancer look sooooooo good....

I started and ended my birthday surrounded by loved ones...what a blessing it is to have people I love so much that they are family even if they aren't blood.  GOTT, GOTTESS, GOTTSON, my #sweatfamily that is my #rideordiecrew and of course my beloved Aunt Jane and my dear friend SuSu.

Wow this blog is so boring I just put myself to sleep...but I need to get my thank you's out and my feelings out into the universe so they can do some good.

So now that the bomb has been set off what do I do?

and how the heck to I wake you people back up from this boring drivel?

I can't make the cancer not exist but I have a doctor who can (hopefully) make it go away.  I can keep the light in my life and stay positive.  I can keep preaching to women to listen to their bodies and get a check up.  I can spread love as much as I can.

I made the decision that I will not let this divide my life into "before cancer" and "after cancer".

I can't give it that much power over me.

I have to use this week to spoil my son, be thankful at Thanksgiving, decorate my house for Christmas and stay healthy so I can have surgery next Monday.

Tomorrow I will share with you some ways I want to take what is happening to me and turn it to something good.  I want to share love and gratitude.

And I know some of you feel helpless and want to do something to help me so I will think on that and give you some options.

I'm so lucky...I got cancer in a body part that I no longer need.  I have a beautiful sweet young friend, let's call her Stunning Girl (because heavens people this girl is some otherworldly kind of gorgeous).  She is the daughter of an old friend.  She's young, in her 20's, and she has two little ones.  She has leukemia.  She's gone through such hard treatment.  She's lost her hair.  She's a hairdresser so the irony of that is not lost on anyone.  But she has been so brave.  I have followed her journey and I send her messages of hope and strength.  And now, sweet beautiful girl she is, she is doing the same for me.

When she was diagnosed I messaged her and told her this:
Beautiful china is only strong and beautiful because it has been in the kiln.  It must go through the fire to be shiny, strong, and useable.  Without the fire it is just hardened clay.  After the fire it is a new object---one that is a million times better than what it started off being.  Go through the fire. It won't burn you up---it will make you stronger and more beautiful and it will make you shine.

She is getting really shiny...she is getting so strong...she is weathering the kiln.  And now I am going to leap into that fire with her.  And I feel the strength of so many of my friends who have survived cancer (like Beauty, and Wonder Woman, and DarlingDana, and CuteCourtney).  I feel them telling us not to burn but to shine...I hear their womanly voices saying "you can do this"...Stunning Girl and I are gonna kick cancer to the curb in a most beautiful and shiny way!

When a bomb gets dropped on you how you handle it and recover from it is a sign of your character.  It's freaking cancer so one is allowed to freak out and be scared.  But it's how you go forward and clean up the mess the bomb made that takes the real courage.

I'm stepping into that kiln.

I'm gonna let it make me stronger.

This is something I have to weather and go through but it won't burn me up.

It won't end me.

That damn bomb went off and I am gonna build a new village in its place...

Get ready people....

That village will be made of GLITTER!!!!!!

Inspiration Song: "Cherry Bomb" by the Runaways.  I will without shame admit that I think Guardians of the Galaxy is one of the greatest movies ever made.  I watch it endlessly.  I think James Gunn is a genius and that soundtrack is my happy place.  I love the scene where the Guardians powerfully walk out together to Cherry Bomb and go out to destroy the bad guys.  That's how I see my doctors....they are going to take a bomb and get rid of the cancer and they will do it with style...and so will I...

Bye Darlings...if you are going through something remember that the kiln will make you stronger...don't let the fire burn you...dance in the flames and know that when the fire dies out and it all cools down that you will be even more beautiful...

#guardiansofthegalaxy #jamesgunn #uterinecancer #fightlikeagirl #beatcancer #cherrybomb










Friday, November 18, 2016

Unstoppable

Note: I am posting this not to garner sympathy.  Not to have people tell me I am brave or anything like that. I am posting this because if I can save one life by someone reading this I have done what God put me here to do. I am posting this because somewhere down the road someone might have the symptoms I had and remember and will say to their doctor "I need you to dig deeper...". I am writing about this to tell women to not write off their health issues and not to accept something as part of aging or menopause. I am writing this to make sure that each of you takes care of yourself...

So don't tell me I am brave. Don't think I am special. There are far worse things that others have suffered...this is easy...

GO AND GET YOUR WELL WOMAN CHECKUPS AND MAMMOGRAMS....don't blow it off...

There will be bad words, medical stuff, and maybe some things that sound "icky" (especially if you are a man) and yes I will discuss "girl parts" etc so if you are squeamish or don't like some rough language this is where you need to exit. Because I am going to be honest. I will be transparent. It's not pretty....

Ok...here we go...

Hi Darlings!

I have cancer.

There I said it.

And now I own it.

I have cancer.

It doesn't have me.

And it won't.

Because I am going to kick cancer in the ass.

I'm gonna kick it so hard in the ass that it will be amazing.

I am going to be so good at kicking cancer in the ass that it won't dare come back.

I have cancer.

Specifically I have endometrial (uterine) cancer. Very early stage.

I am lucky...I am blessed...and I truly mean that.

I have decided that this is "Princess Cancer".  I call it that because it's in my girl parts and not as embarrassing to deal with when being examined as colon cancer.  And its in some girl parts that did a damn fine job for 52 years and gave me two gorgeous amazing kids but now they are done done done and ready to retire to gyno heaven.

I do not need my uterus anymore.

It would be nice to keep my ovaries but they have to leave along with the uterus.  Because it's cancer and not just fibroids (which the damn fibroids saved my life so I am not blowing them off and I will get to them later).

My oncologist said "this will throw you into full blown menopause".

I told her I was ok with that because I needed the expressway with this one and not back roads in the country so yeah let's bring on the menopause and get rid of the cancer.

Yeah...I have an oncologist.

There I said it and now I own it.

I have an oncologist.

And she is a total rockstar badass of an oncologist.  I have a full blown doctor crush on her.

But I am getting  ahead of myself...

If you feel you need a cocktail go get one...i will wait...go ahead...you might need one...it's not a fairy tale...this will take a while so at least go get a glass of water....

Now here is where its gonna get gross and I'm gonna use words that might make men squirm and I'm going to be blunt and there will be words like "tampon".  If that bothers you skip to the bottom...but if you are a woman I WANT YOU TO READ THIS BECAUSE SOME DAY KNOWING WHAT I WENT THROUGH MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE

(yes I am going to shout a lot in this blog)

So a few months ago I got my period in my normal time but woke up one night in a pool of blood.

(I warned you this is the R rated talk...)

I felt like maybe this was not normal but hey...it could also be part of the start of menopause.

I conferred with a few friends and "yes, this is menopause" was the answer.

and then it happened again the next month and it was a little worse.

But again...menopause

And then, despite being on the pill (so my periods would be lighter and more manageable---go ahead and laugh because I did ) I got my period 2 weeks after finishing the last one.  In the middle of a pill pack.

But this time the bleeding was---apocalyptic

Like a super plus tampon every hour (with nasty clots).  For 3-4 hours every morning and again every evening.

(I warned you I was gonna be graphic)

Lots. of. bleeding.

I called my doc's office and asked the nurse if that was normal...

"No"

"I'm making you an appointment"

But it was for a week later.

And I bled... a lot...like a lot a lot....

And the next morning after I talked to the nurse I woke up in huuuuuuuuuge pain and knew I couldn't wait a week.  So I called the office and they worked me in.

Ok, let me first tell you briefly about my gyro.

She's gorgeous and fabulous and amazing.

She also looks like she belongs in the cast of Grey's Anatomy

She's a badass.

She was my OB when I had my son and then, and yes I know this is weird, we went on to be football moms together and we are friends.  I don't mind being friends with the woman who checks my girl parts ever year because we know how to separate "church and state" or rather "vagina and touchdowns".

I told her what was happening and she said she thought maybe my fibroids were acting up.  And that she wanted to do a D&C (since by then I had been bleeding over 11 days) and a hysteroscopy to look around.  And some blood work.

She examined me and on the way out the door she asked how my pain was and I said "I can live with pain being at a "6" but right now I am at "8" and I need help".

I walked out and she gave me an Rx for pain meds and she filled out the paperwork for the bloodwork.  I watched her pause and check something but didn't think much of it.

That little check mark on the blood work saved my life.

She ordered an ultrasound and said she would call me the next day.

They took my blood. No big deal.

But it saved my life.

And then I went to work and showed GOTT the costumes for the show and as soon as we were done I burst into tears from pain and took my happy ass home...and took a tylenol 3 and went to bed.

The next day I had an ultrasound.

Dr. Gorgeous called and said that it looked normal and that I was not anemic.  She told me she was leaving town but would be back to do the D&C in a week and in the meantime I would hear from her husband who is her partner.

I went on about my business and the bleeding continued but it was what it was.

then Dr. Husband called me on Monday and said the words that let me know that I wasn't having menopause issues...I had something more going on.

You see Dr. Gorgeous decided not to follow normal protocol and decided that she wanted to make sure there was not more going on so she ordered a CA125 test to be done with my bloodwork. Normal protocol for my symptoms is not to order it.  But she's not normal.

She is a badass...

She's amazing...

God told her to check the box...so she did

So Dr. Husband says to me that my CA125 level was 673...

normal is up to 30

and yes, I typed that right...30...3 and a 0...30....

ohhhhhhhhkayyyyyyyy

(A CA125 is a screening test that can indicate if you have ovarian cancer.  It is not foolproof and other things can make the levels high but Ovarian Cancer is very hard to diagnose so this is the first step as it measures a protein found in the blood when you have cancer present.  Go ahead and google it.  And then ask your doctor to run it if you are at risk)

So he asked me to come in and do more bloodwork and ordered a CT of my abdomen for the next day...

color me scared...

yeah, this was not menopause...

my CA125 level on the second test was just as high

my CT scan looked good except for some enlarged lymph nodes...but my ovaries looked normal

Buzzing in my head was "you might have cancer" but I also had to turn a lot of kids into rabbits, and cards and the Queen of Hearts and Alice...so I was busy...tired but busy...and I had 10 days until the show went up so there was no time to worry about cancer...

besides, everyone said it wasn't ....that "oh yeah I had some high levels" or "its just fibroids"...and no, I hold no ill will toward them because I wanted to believe them and not think I had cancer...

So on Friday the 4th of November my Aunt Jane (the best person in the world) took me to Dr. Gorgeous' office and she did a D&C, a hysteroscopy...and took biopsies...

After the procedure Dr Gorgeous said she wanted to do a hysterectomy and I told her  I had no use for those parts anymore so go ahead and take em...

She wanted to do it the next week but I had a little issue of "Alice in Wonderland" and so we decided to wait...plus we needed to see the pathology...

The week passed and I made kids into flowers and all kinds of silly creatures and they gave their audiences an amazing awesome show.

And the pathology didn't come...

And then on Monday as I was heading to the hospital for my pre-op appointment (KuteKaren riding shotgun in the car for moral support) Dr. Gorgeous called and said the pathology looked abnormal and the cells were abnormal but we didn't know yet just what it was.  She told me to go and get the pre-op and she was going to call...

and oncologist

oh hell to the no

but yeah...apparently I was going to need one...

2 hours later she called and cancelled my surgery that was set for Wednesday and told me that I was going to go see Dr. Rockstar (I call her that because she shares a last name with a rock star and she is a total rockstar of a doctor).

World. Stopped.

I was inching ever closer to being someone with cancer...

Um, thank you very much but I don't have time for cancer.  And I like my hair.  And I'm pretty sure I don't want to be in bed for a few weeks and as for radiation---I think I will pass.

She told me to hit the reset button and I told her I would.  And I told her that I was heading to Spec's...which I did...but first I had to book my bikes at Revolution Studio because if I wasn't having surgery I was going to ride.  So yeah, the very first thing I did was book my bikes...call me obsessed...

So i had a day at home where I got to cry and be mad that I MIGHT have cancer.

GOTT said "you don't have cancer until they tell you that you have cancer" so I was holding on to that nugget of great advice.

GOTTESS is a cancer survivor and we decided it was cute to be sister wives who both had hysterectomies but I didn't need to keep up with her by having cancer.  GOTT only needed one wife that had once had cancer and she had checked that box for us both.

(and if you don't know who GOTT and GOTTESS are well GOTT is my boss/male bestie/director/brother from another mother/spirit twin/work husband and she is his amazing wife who is also one of my besties and is my sister from another mister and most importantly she is my sister wife and will be forever.)

I told GOTTESS I was scared and she knew...

I told her it was like this:

I am on a 6 inch ledge on a steep cliff.  There is no way to climb up because it is a sheer rock face. I was dropped on the ledge and didn't climb there.  I can't climb down because there is no foothold. I have no safety net and no safety line. There is a tightrope that leads somewhere but I can't quite see where it goes but it is a taught line and goes somewhere. I can't go down. It's a deep canyon full of rocks. I must get on the tightrope to get off the ledge because I can't stay on the ledge. I have to get on the tightrope and I am terrified of heights.  I have to get on and walk. And I have to look ahead because if I look behind I will lose my balance. and if I run I will lose my balance. So I have to walk slowly and carefully until I get to the other side...

yeah, that's how it feels...

So last night, November 17, Dr Gorgeous informed me I have uterine cancer.

It' took almost 2 weeks for the pathologist to figure it out.

According to KuteKaren I am a magical unicorn and that's why they couldn't figure it out.

The doctors are agreeing with her...because apparently NOTHING about my situation is normal.  And in most cases the gyno would not have ordered the tests I had so yeah

SHE SAVED MY LIFE

I told her she gave me life twice----once when she delivered my son...and now when she decided that she needed to look deeper into why I was in pain and why I was bleeding.

Because 99% of the time the doctor would not have done more than a d&C....if that...

And so the damn fibroids....which hurt like hell right now and have caused me no end of pain and trouble this last month...

MY FIBROIDS SAVED MY LIFE

Because I would not have gone in and gotten checked if they hadn't decided to literally be a pain.

I have been in a lot of pain since Wednesday.

I think it is because my uterus wants to retire and go to gyro heaven and she is pissed off that I am making her stay put.  I don't blame her for being pissed because I am ready for her to go to.  And I am ready to break up with tampons forever...

Today Aunt Jane took me to see the oncologist.  As I stepped off the elevator and saw the words "Memorial Hermann Cancer Center" I wanted to throw up a little.

I didn't belong there because I didn't have cancer.

But I guess I do belong there because I have cancer.

Everyone is so nice.  I had a good giggle with the check in girl and the nurse that took my vitals was a "praise the Lord" kind of gal and I hugged her because we are now friends.

She took my blood pressure and it was just barely on the bottom end of the high side.

I told her it was because the whole time the machine was taking my BP I was having to stare at the side of it and it said "cancer"

That word makes your blood pressure go up.

Trust me on that one.

So they moved me to a room and the resident comes in.

Well here we go with another badass babe of a doctor who looks like she would also be home on Grey's Anatomy.  Basically the cast of Grey's is my team.  They are all pretty and I suspect they wear Wonder Woman underwear because they are totally super heroes.  Those gals are the definition of badass amazing and smart as hell. I can totally see them in capes...I will make them their super hero costumes...just call me Edna Mode...

Cute little resident...let's call her Doctor Resident...takes my history.  I inform her I will be 52 on Sunday.

she tells me I don't look it

She's my favorite person today

I told her it was because I got botox...I got GOOOOOOOOD botox from a doctor and not some gal wielding a syringe at a botox party (no offense to anyone who does that because you can get good botox like that too...I just like my plastic surgeon doing it)

she kept looking at me and my fabulous botox...in 20 years when she needs it she will remember me...

After I tell her about the 232 surgeries I have had Dr. RockStar entered the room

I think I heard an angel choir...

I have a total woman crush on her along with doctor crush...

I wish I could describe her but basically she was framed in a golden halo of awesomeness and she put me at ease right away.

I mean if I have to have an oncologist than thank you God for giving me one who makes me laugh, gives me hugs, and wants to see photos of kids in flower and bunny costumes.

She asked if I knew why I was there and I said "uterine cancer".

Ovarian cancer scares the holy shit out of me so I am good with uterine.  I told her that.

She told me what she had to do to me.  I get a big vertical cut.  So now with my tummy tuck scar (which is not very visible at all because Dr. Bonnie is a badass plastic surgeon) I will have a big cross on my stomach.

I am ok with that

it's gonna be my battle scar

and if some man with blue eyes and dimples who drives a big ass truck comes along he's gonna have to be ok with it because it will be my proof I kicked cancer in the ass...

I asked Dr. Rockstar if while she was checking my fat layer for cancer if she could just take some of it off but she declined my offer to make her a plastic surgeon.

She said "let's do this" and I said "yes as soon as possible because that is not bunnies down there it is cancer and I want it the hell out of me".

She laughed at that.

She told me I could have the surgery next Friday but she would be out of town but her partner could do it.

No thank you...I want Dr. Rockstar...we are bonded and I am attached and I have a doctor crush on her.

Oh and I forgot to mention that Dr. Gorgeous was in the building and she came by to hug me and check on me....if you need the best gyno in the world I will give you her name...she's the total package of amazingness...

So it looks like me,  Dr RockStar, Dr Resident, and Dr Gorgeous are going to have a date in an operating suite on the 28th and we are gonna kick my cancer to the curb.  There might be some other doctors in the room.  I am cool with that.  Apparently all the doctors are fascinated by the unicorn that is me and they want to see how this story turns out.  I have promised to cook for them and I told them they are lucky because I am a damn good cook.

I have a team...it's like the Justice League or The Guardians of the Galaxy except they are they are The Badass Babes of Cancer Eradication.

I say this is Princess Cancer because I get to get my girl parts out and play the cancer card for at least a few months but I don't think I am going to have to have chemo or radiation (at least we hope not).

Women have hysterectomies every day so basically I am just having a hysterectomy but with cancer along for the ride.

I wanted to go to the fancy lady hospital where we were going to do the hysterectomy.  Cancer totally ruined my plans there.  Its a cute little surgical hospital where all the rooms are suites and the food is good (JayVee had her uterus yanked there) and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have looked out of place if I floated down the hall in long peignoir sets like Eva Gabor in Green Acres.  Feathers and silk...

But sadly I can't go to the Fancy Lady place.

I have to go to the big badass Med Center hospital where according to Dr. RockStar they have more than one liter of blood.  Where she can do all her witchcraft to get rid of my cancer.  Where she can do surgery and I'm betting that golden halo around her will shine into my body and show her where she needs to cut out the bad shit.

(I think she had on gold cuffs and has a golden lasso to get rid of the cancer and I bet she has an invisible plane)

I still think I need the fancy nightgown with feathers or at least a bed jacket.  I might let one of my students fancy one up for me because she is talented like that.

So I'm going to get rid of this Princess Cancer and I am going to live a long life.

I told my daughter today (ok that was a super hard conversation and I will keep it private) that cancer will not kill me.

Ok, so now you know

Now here is what I need from you people:

prayers
no texts, messages, etc...I am still processing and I can't answer all of you
no questioning my doctor choice or why I am at MH and not MD Anderson
prayers
Netflix suggestions
book suggestions
support
lilies...I like lilies
there might be a day I need something like whole foods chocolate mousse...so go get it
prayers
NO MORE POLITICS ON FACEBOOK

And I get to play the "C" card for at least 3-6  months...I might have calling cards made that say "because Princess Cancer"...

and yes I totally plan to look you in the face and make big eyes like Puss In Boots in Shrek and say "but I have cancer" and make you all feel all bad and guilty about it...it's the one time I totally get to be the star of my own show...I'm gonna ride this train people...get ready for a lot of valet parking...

This is how I will communicate with you about all of this...this blog and FB...

don't ask my kids about this...they don't need to hear it...DON'T...

I will let  you know everything you need to know right here...if I don't say it, it's not up for discussion...period...

I am going to miss my workouts and my family at Revolution...I am planning a massive return to life ride when I get back to it...I expect balloons and a lot of Beyonce and Sia songs and Mel and Kim giving me life on the bike...

I'm going to be ok

I'm going to kick cancer in the ass..

I know people who have had far scarier and harder to deal with cancers...I am not a hero (but I am a princess or unicorn) and there is nothing special about me...

except that I have cancer

but it won't stop me...

Inspiration Song: "Unstoppable" by Sia...because cancer will not stop me

I put my armor on, show you how strong how I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am
I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident, yeah, I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today, unstoppable today
Unstoppable today, I'm unstoppable today

Yeah Sia is my spirit animal...she knows what to say...

Bye Darlings...I have cancer...but it doesn't have me...I will beat this and live to tell...now where the hell is my sparkly crown so I can reign over this damn thing...

Oh yeah...and go to the doctor and get a damn checkup...