Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I Do Not Hook Up

Provocative little title, no?

As I drove home from church the other day I had my iPod on "shuffle" and "I Do Not Hook Up" came on...

I thought it was VERY appropriate as I had just heard the last sermon in the LSD (Love, Sex, and Dating) series at church at The Bridge Fellowship in Sugarland.

I will always love JayVee for telling me I should come to church with her a few weeks ago. She and "The Hunk" (her hubby) brought me with them to experience what Pastor Kenny and Pastor Scott had to say about love, sex, and dating in these days and times...and how God comes into play with all of it.

At the bottom of this blog I will post a link to the audio of the sermons if you want to listen for yourself. I suggest you listen to all 4...take the time to do it...and do it in order.

So once again I sat in church and took notes...and God spoke to my heart.

It wasn't that I had plans to go out and become some man magnet (or a cougar!) that suddenly was seeing all kinds of men to try them on for size...ok, so that sounded wrong...but rather see what "kind" of man I fit with...

Um, no...I have a pretty good idea of what WILL and WON'T work for me.

What will:
has a job
likes to hold hands...especially when walking together
is affectionate...cuddles...likes to kiss and hold me...even when we are just watching tv
will watch Modern Family with me...but does NOT have to watch Glee or Project Runway
always walks me to my car when we are not driving somewhere together
tells me I'm pretty
brings me lilies but not roses (even though sometimes I like to SMELL like a rose)
tells me I'm sexy
tells me I smell good
in other words...COMPLIMENTS ME!!!!!!
puts our kids first (meaning if he has kids, they and my kids come first...not our own desires)
likes to workout...and maybe will do it with me
TALKS to me...tells me his feelings and frustrations
Will come cook with me or talk to me while I cook
likes my cooking
is tall enough that I can wear scary heels
will drink red wine with me
has friends to have "boys night" with so I can have "girls night"
does little caring things---I'm more touched by someone making a phone call or doing research on my behalf than the flowers to tell you the truth...but i like the flowers too...
DRIVES A BIG ASS TRUCK

What won't work?
has no job
is lazy
doesn't compliment me
thinks hunting and fishing are more important than spending time with me (but can go occasionally...cause I need some 'alone" time too)
only drinks white wine
sits on the couch and watches sports while I cook
plays golf (yeah, that is just not gonna work for me)
picks me up for a date and says nothing about how I look
won't hold my hand or cuddle me (I'm like a puppy...I need affection)
watches tv instead of talking to me
watches tv in bed and won't turn it off when it is time to go to sleep
turns the tv on in the middle of the night
doesn't bring me flowers unless he "has to" (like an anniversary)
sends me to my car alone

yeah...I've learned a few things...

I'd like a guy age 43-51 or so...can have kids (I like kids so that is GOOD), doesn't smoke, takes care of himself, doesn't drink too much (but enjoys that glass of red wine with me)...blue eyes...I like guys with dark hair but it can be graying (in a sexy way) but blonde is good too...a nice smile goes a long way with me...long legs...tall (but not too tall as I am short)...a gentleman...

So I've said all of that before...why say it again?

Because I want to answer the question that the pastors at church asked of me (us):

ARE YOU THE PERSON THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS LOOKING FOR?

So I have to be worthy of the lily-bearing, tall, blue-eyed, sexy, great smile, affectionate, tall dad that remembers when MTV played music videos and drives a big ass truck.

I think that kind of guy would like a tiny petite blonde who is obsessed with spinning and smells like Angel and loves to cook and cuddle...and snorts when she laughs (ok, I can't fix that one to save my life).

Now that all being said, Pastor Scott reminded me of something very important: the "right person" myth...

That if you just find that one right person then everything will be alright...

That will never happen. My mother never "got" that...she always believed that someone else could make everything better for her.

I was talking to a friend the other day...we were talking about our kids, and relationships...and I told him that NO ONE can make another person happy. They can bring you joy and bring joy to your life, but NO ONE PERSON CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.

He liked that...and he listened.

I told him my kids bring me great joy all the time...and some pain...pain when I see them make a mistake, or when they are hurt, or on the rare occasion that they hurt me (although when Ke$ha Barbie is Satan she is very hurtful). And that your love or lover can bring you great joy but no lover, partner, or spouse can make you happy.

You have to find that happiness within yourself.

I found that happiness...

I took a good look at myself and re-introduced Anice to Anice...

Basically I said "Anice...please meet the REAL Anice...the one you have always wanted to be"...

I like her just fine.

She's not perfect...thank goodness...and she challenges me daily...but I like Anice just fine.

So I'm not looking for that "right person" to make me happy because she already has...but I would like to find someone who brings me joy and bring joy to...

As Pastor Scott said, "don't look for the right person...BECOME that right person...so that you can be the person that you are looking for is looking for".

And then he went on to say some more very profound things...he talked about being prepared for when that person comes into your life.

I liked this: "Promises are no substitute for preparation"

You know, like you can't just say "tomorrow I'm going to run a marathon" unless you have been training for months. You just can't...unless you are Forrest Gump.

So right now, while I am "alone" and not dating anyone, I am preparing...I'm working on me. Not just my body...but things about myself that I need to examine. And I'm learning from my past...

because...and this is another little gem from Pastor Scott:

My PRESENT will become my PAST but will likely affect my FuTURE...

and:

"the paths we choose override the promises we make"

You see why I loved this sermon series at church so much? Good stuff...good stuff...

and this applies to everything...not just dating and romantic relationships...

Pastor Scott said "you lose your mind when you fall in love"...and we do...we do crazy things.

Heck, look at my love affair with chipsndip...I mean that little romance totally kicked me in the patootie...literally...I knew better than to eat that...knew it...but I did it anyway because I wanted it sooooo much.

I don't want to be that way with a man.

I don't want to lose my mind and lose myself...or at least not in the wrong kind of "lose myself".

It's ok to lose yourself to love and to lose yourself to your lover...that giving up a part of yourself for another is a good thing. Be it a mom who loses control of her body when she is pregnant, or someone who gives up a body part for a transplant...or to lose ourselves to the pleasures of loving someone else...but that is physical...not LOSING YOUR MIND...

you don't want to lose your mind...

So I spend time praying about what went wrong with ME in my marriage and past relationships. And what I can do that is POSSIBLE to change.

We can fool ourselves and say we can change...and sometimes we can...my body is proof of that. But the changing of our hearts, our minds, our emotions is much harder.

I know things about myself now...things I know I can't change...

I can't change:
that I like physical intimacy (like cuddling and hand holding)
that I need applause to live just like Tinkerbell (so I need to be told compliments)
that I can't help but be a caretaker
that I need to hear loving affirmations...a lot
that I need to be TOLD I am loved...I gotta hear it...a lot
that small gestures mean a lot more to me than grand gestures...and I need the small gestures
that I need to be with someone who makes me laugh
that I resent being made to feel like I am not as smart as I really am
I need to sleep in a cold dark cave without light and sound
that I will never enjoy watching sports or planning my life around sporting events...except for those of my children...otherwise I resent it...don't tell me we can't do something because the Cowboys are playing a preseason game....save that for the Super Bowl (as if...)
I don't expect people to do things for me but I resent if I give and give and never get anything in return from someone
I have a quick temper but one word of apology or an attempt from the other person to work it out and I"m good and over it
I don't sleep well if I'm angry
My feelings get hurt easily
I'd rather talk things out than just let it go and ignore it

So knowing those things about myself helps me to find that person who I can enjoy being with and get joy from...and to know what NOT to settle for or ignore in that person...or I will end up resenting him...

And I don't want to make compromises...I mean, you have to make some compromises (ok,we can go to the movie LATER so you can watch the Cowboys), but I won't compromise on the big things.

Pastor Scott also said:
If you attempt to build intimacy with a person without doing the hard work on yourself it will only be an attempt to fill an empty hole in your heart.

Well said, Scott, well said...

I don't want to just have a hot and heavy romance with someone. I want a real relationship. One based on friendship, mutual attraction, and an enjoyment of being with each other. I want my heart to skip a beat when he walks into the room. I want to think he is the hottest guy alive. I want butterflies but not because he's a hot sexy guy but because he makes me feel so special.

So I'm doing the hard work on myself.

I spend a lot of time on the spin bike thinking about things...my kids, my work, everyone else's kids, and about myself. I talk to God on the bike. I ask for His help. And I thank Him for His help.

And then he sends in Hot Guy to chat me up and spend a little time pouring out his troubles and frustrations to me and I just spin the bike and listen and tell him what I know...

We are moving at the speed of a...sloth...or glacier...

But that's ok...I do not hook up...I go slow...and I want to get to know someone before I say "you can pick me up at 7:00...".

After all, I am a mom...I have responsibilities to myself...my children...my morals...

And I am a TREASURE worth having...not just because I'm a cute little thing (yes, I am vain enough to think I'm a cute little thing) but I'm a heck of a cook, a gracious date, a lady who you can proudly take home to mama, and, as KuteKaren's daughter SuperSarah says "fun in a box". Some man will be lucky to pick me up in his big ass truck and squire me about town.

But he has to earn that right by getting to know me and respect me.

Because I will be the person he is looking to be with...

OK, here's the link to the sermon series...I urge you to take the time to listen!!!!

http://thebridgefellowship.com/audio/lsd

Really...do it...take the time...make the effort...

Inspiration Song: "I Do Not Hook Up" by Kelly Clarkson...because:
Oh sweetheart, put the bottle down
You've got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There's a cure you've found it
Slow motion sparks
You caught that chill
Now don't deny it
But boys will be boys
Oh yes they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me
If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet

[Chorus]
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I go slow
So if you want me
I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand
And your heart on your sleeve
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try
The harder I'll fight
To say ... Goodnight

Bye Darlings...do as the Pastors say...work on yourself...then you can be worthy of others...be it your husband, your lover, your friends...

Monday, February 27, 2012

There's No Business Like Show Business

So last night was the Oscars...

I haven't seen any of the movies nominated for best picture...not one...

In fact, I haven't seen many of the movies that had nominations...period...

Except for "Bridesmaids"...and that was so awful I fell asleep watching it with a friend and my friend said that watching me sleep was more interesting than the end of the movie.

Sorry if you loved that movie...

My blog
My opinion

I did love seeing Captain Von Trapp (Christopher Plummer) finally get an Oscar...and I'm always happy when Meryl wins...and I really wanted George to win (and I hope Stacy Keebler enjoyed herself because next Oscars there will be another beautiful woman on that man's arm).

I always really watch it for the fashion.

My favorite was Gwyneth Paltrow...hands down. I would kill for that white dress. I love love love Tom Ford...sadly the only thing I will ever own of his is his perfume. I do love Violet Blonde (it would be my signature fragrance if not for the Angel) and Black Orchid.

I also loved Viola Davis in that green Vera, Angelina's beautiful black gown with the biiigg slit, Cameron's blush colored gown, Jessica Chastain's fabulous Alexander McQueen, Emma Stone in that red dress, Rooney Mara in that very fashion forward white gown, Robin Robert's was amazing in her white gown, Milla Javovich's gorgeous white beaded gown (no, I do not wish to be a bride but I am loving white gowns at the moment), Missi Pyle's turquoise gown (not shown much) and Leslie Mann's gorgeous navy (not shown much but gorgeous)...and Michele Williams coral gown.

Hated JoLo's look...that was the only one I truly disliked.

I was "meh" on Sandra Bullocks' dress...but I did like her hair and makeup and was pleased that was the look I sported to the Mardi Gras ball.

And for once Meryl didn't really look like a mess. Her gold gown was good...as was Stacy Keebler's (like I said, I hope she enjoyed that moment with George...).

It was an "acting" weekend for me...the Oscars just capped it. Because this weekend I chaperoned the one-act play competition trip for my son and his classmates...and I had costumed the show.

Our kids performed "The Diary of Anne Frank". They did it superbly. They were amazing.

14 year olds performing a play about one of the greatest horrors that ever happened...and they did it quite well and it did not look like a junior high production. But then again nothing GOTT every directs looks like a junior high production.

So we took off Friday for the small Texas town of Seguin.

We haven't done one-act competition for a few years. GOTT and TTG declared "never again" after we had a great show but lost because part of our set fell over during the show. We had the best show but the set fell. Then one year we had a judge who went with "feelings and not based on points" so we lost that time. And one time we had a judge who placed a play higher than ours because he directed the other show and "just loved that show". One year we lost to a play that had no set, lights, or sound...just 7 kids talking about suicide (how depressing).

One act competition is strange. I have seen everything from "Women of Troy" done as a 911 (as in September 11) show complete with bloody "dead" baby doll on stage to a really horrible thing called "The Cave Cat" (you tube it) that was so bad that to this day GOTT and TTG and I can't speak of it without cracking up.

The kids were happy to miss school.

I was happy we were not on a school bus but a nice travel bus.

The trip down was fine.

I fell on the sword and ate a Whataburger. I think it was the first one I have had in 2 years.

It was good...not great but good...I didn't add cheese and I don't feel bad about the calories.

But then my stress eating kicked in and I was all over the munchies that the other moms had provided and the ones I came with.

Uh-oh...

When I am stressed I munch out...on anything I can get my hands on. Thank goodness we missed our exit for Bucees or the munchy madness would have been worse...thanks to jerky, fudge, and popcorn...

We got to Seguin, checked into the hotel, had the kids rehearse a bit...

And made a few take showers...

14 year old boys can stink...really bad...

So we went to the high school, had our rehearsal, and then took the kids to dinner...where I ate horrible and bad bar-b-que (who knew it could be bad but it can be).

I was grateful to get to bed so I could stop eating.

Thank goodness my friend Mrs. Sharp (not her real name but those who know her will know why I call her that)was with me...she helped curb the eating and she did all the girls' hair in the morning because I am NOT a hairdresser.

Mrs. Sharp and I were about to fall asleep when we heard a lot of noise from the next room...sadly it was a room 4 of our boys were in...thankfully it was not my son's room.

We got the kids up the next morning and got them ready and fed.

We checked out of the hotel...but not before I yelled at the girls for trashing their room.

They must have thought they were rock stars cause that room was a mess.

I told a friend today that they left that room looking like Steven Tyler and Aerosmith had partied there all night...that is if they partied with M&M's and candy...

Our kids were the second to perform.

So Mrs. Sharp and I went to watch play #1 so we could tell GOTT and TTG about it.

The first play was a non-musical version of "Fiddler on the Roof". As performed by children who were all Hispanic.

So "Tevye" sounded like "Puss in Boots"...but he did a good job...for a little kid...playing an old Jewish dairyman who wants to marry off his daughters.

We went next.

The kids were incredible.

I cried...I always cry at the end of that play...Excellent Emma played "Anne Frank" and she was letter perfect.

The Cutest Boy in the World played "Mr. Kraler" and my son has a very low Barry White-like voice so he was a bit hard to understand...on stage he sounds like Barry White doing Marlon Brando in "The Godfather"...I know...hard to understand.

I didn't see the next 2 shows but the kids did and they said they were not good shows...very silly...very junior high...no great acting.

I was feeding the kids during the 5th show but Mrs. Sharp saw it and said it was good and our closest competition.

I watched...and slept through...shows 6 & 7...so did my son...

So then it was time for the awards.

2 of our actors got awards...the boy playing "Mr. Frank" got All-Star cast (so proud of him)and the boy playing "Mr. Dussel" got Honorable Mention All-Star Cast (so proud of him).

So GOTT, TTG, and Mrs. Sharp and I assumed Excellent Emma was going to be "Best Actress" since she wasn't named to All-Star cast. No one gave a performance even close to the depth of emotions that our Excellent Emma did. Anne Frank is a very difficult role for any actress.

So I readied myself to applaud wildly for Excellent Emma...

They called another name.

What the hell?

They gave the award to a girl who played Fairy Godmother...she ran around on the stage under a strobe light.

Really?

What the hell!

Wrong Wrong Wrong

They overlooked my Excellent Emma.

I. was. pissed.

I.am.still.pissed.

Excellent Emma once again showed poise beyond her years.

I told her that no trophy would make a difference. She was the best actress that day and everyone knew it. She had been stopped by many other children and told what a great job she did.

She didn't NEED the trophy but I wanted her to have it.

I may just go and buy one myself for her.

She has been my hero this year...and I told her so.

We came in 3rd.

We should have won.

I never have a problem losing to a better team.

But we lost to inferior plays...very junior high plays. The play that came in 2nd had no lighting or sound or sets. We did. The play that won was a stupid farce about a Cinderella play and they spent the entire length of the Blondie song "One Way or Another" running about the stage with strobe lights on. Bad.

The whole system is wrong...there is one judge (there should be 3 since it is so subjective) and the rules are not always followed by the directors. The "winning" play even broke a major rule and was forgiven.

I felt bad for the kids but they recovered quicker than GOTT, TTG and I did...

A little stop at Bucees made them happy and once they had their jerky and fudge and sodas they forgot about the fact they had been robbed and started to look forward to the next show.

I.am.still.pissed.

But I'll get over it...I have to...I have to costume "Peter Pan"...

And that is how show business goes...so we go on with the show...

And I told GOTT and TTG "never again"...I will do shows with them but no more one-act play competition...I can't stand the heartache. Since I don't get paid any money I like to get paid with happy kids. We did not have happy kids. I did not get paid. I mean GOTT and TTG and the kids were grateful for the work I did but all I wanted to see was a trophy in Excellent Emma's hands and our kids to move on to the state competition...and we were robbed.

But you know me...I'll go on with the show...because I love it too much...

Inspiration Song: "There's no Business Like Show Business" from "Annie Get Your Gun". I love that song and I am very very fond of that show. I hope I get to work on it sometime!

There's no business like show business
Like no business I know
Everything about it is appealing
Everything the traffic will allow...

There's no people like show people
They smile when they are low
Even with a turkey that you know will fold
You may be stranded out in the cold
Still you wouldn't trade it for a sack o' gold
Let's go on with the show
Let's go on with the show!
The show!
The show!


Bye Darlings...disappointments happen...but we must all go on with the show...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Good Girls Go Bad

Uh oh...

you can tell by the blog title that trouble has happened...

as if Mardi Gras was not enough...

Confession time:

I HAVE BACKSLID (IS THAT EVEN A WORD?) WITH MY CHIP AND DIP ADDICTION

Yeah, I was doing good...working my 12 step program but once again my addiction reared its ugly little head and I now find myself before you admitting that I hid like a dirty heroin addict and grabbed my drug of choice (Baked Ruffles and Jalapeno dip) and went to town.

I also got into some hummus (with pita) and some french onion dip.

I have no excuse for my behavior.

It was there.

I ate it.

After this weekend I should have had my mouth wired shut...but nooooooo...I thought willpower alone could handle the addiction but when I opened the fridge and saw the yummy goodies inside, well that willpower just went by the wayside.

So now I have consumed half...yes HALF!...a bag of Baked Ruffles and at least 1/2 cup of dip.

UGH!

And I'm facing a weekend where I am not entirely in control of my food situation.

Yeah there is some irony here....last weekend's over-the-top fun in NOLA is being replaced with chaperoning the middle school children (including my son) who are performing in a one-act play competition...in Seguin...

If you are not familiar with Seguin, it is a small town in Texas. So if you are to compare it to New Orleans, let me put it this way---it is like comparing a small town high school musical to a Las Vegas show.

One is small, quaint, and you just ignore the flaws and are ready for it to be over before it is. The other is big, loud, splashy (and maybe has bare breasts) and you are ready for it to be over (sometimes) but only after you have seen all of it and had a lot of drinks.

There will not be any drinking...especially of king cake vodka...thank goodness
There will not be any ballgowns and 5 inch stiletto heels....thank goodness
There will not be any women flashing their bare breasts...thank goodness
There will not be any parades...thank goodness

And there will not be any Mardi Gras beads being thrown at my face...thank goodness.

A friend's assistant suggested to me that I should have taken her boss as my date last weekend as he could have caught beads for me (he has a height advantage and is quick on his feet) and would have fetched beers for me (as he is a gentleman...and would likely have prevented the king cake vodka fiasco).

Hmmmm...that would have been a good plan...and he's very good looking and super sweet. I wish I had thought of that BEFORE I headed to NOLA and ran amok there.

Maybe next time...

if there is a next time...

Mardi Gras in NOLA is sort of a bucket list thing...and I have definitely "checked" it off...

Today when my contractor stopped by (I've had a little work done on the house) he wanted to hear all about my adventures in the Crescent City. He checked out my "battle scar" over my eye where the beads hit me. He checked out the beads I brought back.

He's been to NOLA for Mardi Gras before...

He also suggested that I would have been better off taking a date with me to grab beads and keep me out of trouble.

Now why weren't all these helpful suggestions suggested to me BEFORE I headed to Mardi Gras?

I had fun anyway but I do think I need a designated bead catcher/beer fetcher if I do it again. A date might have prevented this Good Girl from going bad...

Of course that wouldn't prevent the chip-n-dip indulgences...

And to top things off as we travel to Seguin we will be stopping at Buc-ees.

Per my request.

Not familiar with the awesomeness that is Buc-ees?

Buc-ees is ONLY the best gas station/food stop/rest stop in the world. I feel sorry for you if you are on a road trip and don't have a Bucky's to stop at.

They have the cleanest restrooms in the world.

And they have the biggest minimart full of crap to eat you ever saw.

They have jerky...
They have homemade fudge...
They have fresh kolaches...
They have fresh sandwiches and bar-b-que...
They have cookies...
They have parfaits...

They also have shopping...

in short, Buc-ees is the bomb...and yes, this good girl will go very bad there...I never leave empty handed...in fact my hands are usually holding turkey jerky, sweet-n-hot jerky, and some fudge...

So now I will sign off...because I am definitely going off the deep end into badness and I am going to open up some wine and partake of it.

I have been de-toxing for 4 days...and I plan to get up at 5:00 am and hit the gym and spin for a while and then do body pump if I get the costumes packed in time.

And if I am going to fill my body with fat I need some alcohol to help it melt away...at least that is what I tell myself.

Tonights pick will NOT be vodka but rather Syrah...I may be going bad but it will be just a "little" bad...

after all red wine is good for you, right?

Again that is what I tell myself...and myself believes it...

Inspiration Song: "Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship...awesome and fun little song...

Bye Darlings...don't worry about your good girl here...I won't go all the way bad...just dance around a bit with misbehaving...and I will re-enter the chip-n-dip-aholics anonymous program...one day at a time...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Suds in the Bucket

I'm still in NOLA and Mardi Gras recovery mode...72 hours later I finally am starting to feel like my old self again...and yes, I feel fat and no, I don't want anything to drink that has any alcohol in it...

I've even pushed a wine bottle away...

yeah...I'm in that kind of recovery mode...

So just when I think I am doing good...bad news comes along.

Ok, it's not REALLY bad news but it's one of those "what the hell?" kind of things...

So right now sit back and relax and I am going to moan and whine to you about...

my washing machine

that's right...my washing machine...

Because I need to kick up a fuss about it and you are my target audience.

Washing machines are one of those things we take for granted...like you always assume you are gonna have one once you are a real bona-fide adult with your own place.

In college you just accepted that you had to wash down the hall in the dorm or if you lived in an apartment you either had a wash center in the apartment complex or you went to the laundramat.

I drank Bartles and James wine coolers at the laundramat...it was a regular party.

Actually most of the time I just saved my laundry for when I came home and had my mom do it...but on the occasion when I needed to do it myself I usually grabbed a girlfriend and some wine coolers and off we went...

there were usually cute boys there that needed help with their folding...

About mid-way through college I moved into a duplex that had a washer/dryer hookup and so my mom handed down the old Maytags and I no longer had to haul the laundry and wine coolers off to the "fluff and fold"...I could just keep drinking at home.

Once I was married I still remember we excitedly purchasing our first washer/dryer. It was a set from GE. It lasted us a very long time...almost 18 years I think. They dryer outlived the washer by a year.

One day the washer just decided to die...there was no fixing it.

Unfortunately for me it was 3 days before both kids left for camp and I had a ton of washing to do. So me and the ex went to Best Buy and said "get us whatever can be delivered today".

We ended up with a GE front loader.

I have hated it ever since it came into my house.

The cat, on the other hand, was fascinated.

For the first week we had the washer, Zulu, my huge fat Bengal cat, would sit in the laundry room and watch the washer as it went through it's cycle.

He is now terribly bored with it and no longer watches...

A year later we had to get a new dryer.

I have no issues with the dryer...but the washer I have wanted to divorce almost longer than I had wanted to divorce the ex.

So last week it makes some terrible noise and then a burning smell occurs.

Uh oh...that is NOT good.

So today I had the repair man here...and for $93 he told me that the washer needed a new part...to the tune of almost $700 and that did NOT include the labor, etc. But he could give me a great deal on it and I could get it all done for about $690...

Um...no...don't think so...

I can haul off to Lowe's and get me a new washer for less than that...and it will be one I actually like...

But I just took thought it could be fixed...but that is not to be...

Now here is the "take it for granted" part.

You don't actually MISS your washing machine until you don't have one.

If your dishwasher goes out...you just hand wash...not convenient but not too big of a pain.

If your oven goes out you just don't cook things that require an oven to cook.

If your stovetop goes out you cook in the oven or crock pot or eat out.

If your dryer goes out you hang stuff to dry.

If your fridge goes out...well, there you are screwed...

And if your washer goes out...well, yes, you CAN hand wash but have you ever tried to hand wash a king size set of sheets?

Yes, I CAN go back to the "fluff and fold" but I don't think they will let me bring in any Bartles and James...heck, do they even MAKE Bartles and James wine coolers anymore?

Don't tell me...I REALLY don't want to know...

gross...

So tomorrow I am off to buy a new washing machine. That is what I get instead of getting to do something fun for spring break...I get a new washer!

I think I will return to a top loader...it won't match my dryer but I don't really care...I just want a machine that will work. I still have clothes from NOLA that need the alcoholic fumes and stains to be released from them...

I have a friend who subscribes to Consumer Reports...he has promised to help me find a good one...and once I have it I have enough laundry to do that I may need a FEW bottles of wine to entertain me...

That is if I can bear the thought of drinking anything like that ever again...but I'm pretty sure I can...

Inspiration Song: "Suds in the Bucket" by Sara Evans...closest thing I have to something about a washing machine...not that I like that song any more than Simon Cowell did when someone sang it on "American Idol"...

Bye Darlings...you never know how much you miss something until it is gone...even if it is a major appliance!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Mardi Gras Day

Oh heaven help me...it is Fat Tuesday...Mardi Gras Day...

Today I feel fat...and still a bit hung over...and like I need a vacation from my vacation...

Please note: to protect the innocent I will NOT be using any names in this blog...even my "blog names"...you just gotta roll with me me on this one...I'm the only one who is in true need of protection but I do need to take care of my peeps and let's just call them "Friend 1" and "Friend 2" and so on and so forth...kinda like "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" but much more fun...so no names...

So I went to Mardi Gras...

In New Orleans (NOLA)

And I learned some stuff:

1) Bead Catching during Mardi Gras is a full-contact competitive sport. I have the cuts and bruises to prove it.

2)Mardi Gras beads are slippery little devils and can cause you to slip out from under your own feet.

3) For some reason I am "catnip" to certain men...it must be the blonde hair, large backside, and the Angel perfume. I was stopped on the street and told I smelled good...more than once. I will not tell you what kind of men I attract but I will say that not all of them are appropriate...

4) Bourbon Street is waaaaay wilder during Mardi Gras than it is on a "normal" night...

5) Beads can be used as a top (not that I ever will)

6) Zydeco music sounds awesome if you are drinking an Abita beer...notsomuch if you aren't...

7) King Cake flavored vodka is NEVER A GOOD IDEA

8) Only in New Orleans can you leave a ball with no shoes on but a tiara firmly placed on your head...

9) It is possible for 3 women who do not have a drop of cajun blood in them to make incredible gumbo...call it beginners luck but we nailed it on our first try

10) It IS possible to eat and drink too much in New Orleans...but you sure have fun doing it

OK, so "Lucy has some 'splainin' to do" here...guess you gathered that from my list of things I learned...

Maybe I'll just describe the weekend and you can figure it out from there...and just know that I am maybe 10 pounds heavier and still seem to have a touch of a hangover from Sunday night's ball...

Every 10 years or so I pull a really good "big badass drunk"...that happened this trip...you have to wait 10 more years before you hear abut it again. And lest you think I am kidding I can tell you it was February of 2002 the last time I was so drunk I can't remember the ride home...

So me and Friends 1-5 headed to New Orleans via plane on Friday evening. Friends 6&7 (who are married...as are Friends 1&2 and Friends 3&4...Friend 5 is single, female, and my "date" since we shared a room)...anyhoo..Friends 6&7 did the drive from hell and came in their car...which took them forever and at one point we thought they might just end up staying in Lake Charles...which distressed us since they had the booze with them...

So while Friends 6&7 are gamely trying to get down I-10 (or whatever highway you take to NOLA), we got to our little rental house in the French Quarter and settled in and ran out for dinner while we waited for the booze and friends and groceries to arrive.

I helped myself to Bar-B-Que Shrimp...which if you have never had New Orleans BBQ shrimp, well, I feel sorry for you...it's not so much about the shrimp as it is about the spicy butter sauce...which you mop up with plenty of french bread...and no, I did not share it...

I also had a dirty martini....and I had helped myself to 2 bloody mary's at the President's Club lounge before we left...I had to keep my alcohol consumption level up to NOLA standards you know...

Once we had fed ourselves (and mind you, we went to the "trough" quite often during the weekend) we helped Friends 6&7 unload the car and then headed out to the scariest street in the south...Bourbon Street.

I've been on Bourbon Street before.

But not during Mardi Gras...

Lord help me...and Lord help the poor souls that were partying harder there than I was.

We helped ourselves to some sort of blackish purple frozen drink called "VooDoo"...and yes, it lived up to it's name.

Now I"m sure you have all heard about the women who flash their breasts for beads.

We are NOT those women.

Didn't happen...

But we did see women who thought that just wearing a lot of beads constituted a top...um no, it does not...but all the better to flash your perky young breasts with I guess...

We saw a lot of things on Bourbon Street...I think the strangest/worst was the woman pushing a stroller at around midnight...and yes there was a small child in the stroller.

We found a fun bar with a great funk band. One of the band members had a thing for me. I did not have a thing for him.

After dancing for a good bit (that helps to get rid of the alcohol you know) we headed back to our cute little house and went to bed.

The next morning (Saturday) found Friend 1 and I cooking breakfast for everyone...keeping that "food level" up to par...I drank a lot of coffee too...

We headed out to the French Market and the rain started. No worries...we were under cover and had rain boots. After walking around and shopping a bit and having a bloody mary or 2 (me) we decided that we needed more food and found a great little restaurant called "Magnolia Grill".

They had good bloody mary's there too...just sayin

I found another boyfriend there...the cook...he made me special fried chicken. It was delicious...

Friend 5 and I went back to the French Market to get her some rain boots.

I had my tarot cards read.

Why not...I was in NOLA...

And please don't judge...I did it all in fun and the spirit of the moment...I don't take that stuff to seriously but she did say some eerily accurate things about me so it kinda creeped me out...not telling you what she said...some stuff I have to keep to myself...

So after some more shopping Friend 5 and I joined the others and we headed out to Friend 7's friend's vet clinic on Canal street so we could watch the Endymion parade.

That is where I learned that bead catching is a full-contact competitive sport.

I have a bruise on my right orbital bone to prove it.

I can't remember how exactly that it happened...by that time Abita purple haze beer and some pizza had been consumed.

I did have a load of beads by the end of the parade.

After the parade was over we went to the bar owned by the vet clinic people. I mean, if you know someone in NOLA who owns a bar you need to go right?

While at the bar we witnessed:

a man wearing a jacket that looked like something Tom Cruise wore in "Interview with the Vampire"...and a speedo underneath...nothing else...just the jacket and some tiny underwear type thing...

a man dressed as a devil...who had painted himself red...and was wearing a speedo (what is it with the speedos?) and a cape...he looked like he was 8 months pregnant with triplets and was in need of a waxing...

his wife was wearing a fake penis and had some sort of sign on her saying something about the penis...I refused to read it...

and a dog fight...in the bar...there was a dog fight...with real dogs...not an intentional "Michael Vick" sort of dog fight but one patron brought in a dog and it had a fight with the owner's dog...


A few drinks later and a brief flirtation with a too-much younger man we headed back to our little casa in the Quarter but then headed back out to Bourbon Street to dance the night away again...

And yes, my boyfriend in the band was still there...and he sang Prince's "I Would Die For You" for about 10 minutes...9 minutes too long in my book...Friend 2 was offered the chance to be facebook friends with the bass player...I think he might pass.

We danced with each other in a circle...the way only girls can do...and headed back home.

Along the way I learned that Mardi Gras beads are more dangerous than alcohol when it comes to walking...I can stay fairly steady with a small amount of vodka in me but add beads to the mix and you really gotta be careful. I never fell but I came pretty damn close...

So Sunday morning we woke up and did the breakfast thing again and then headed out to the convention center to see if we could catch a glimpse of the floats and to get our tickets to the Bacchus Ball.

After a lot of walking we caught up with our friends who had the tickets and then headed back to the Quarter so that Friend 1 and Friend 5 and I could make gumbo.

Mind you, not a one of us had EVER made gumbo.

We cheated...we used store-bought roux which I know is a major huge unbelievable sin but none of us wanted to stand at the stove and stir roux for an hour.

At first I have to say that the endeavor was looking quite iffy. And tasting a bit funky too. But once all the flavors had time to get to know each other in the gumbo pot it turned out to be a mighty fine pot of goodness.

We got dressed for the ball and headed out to grab cabs and get ourselves to the Convention Center. Of course we had the cab driver who decided that we had to take the worst route to the party...let me put it this way---I saw a woman walking in a gown that I admired...at one point we passed her and then she passed us...on foot...she got there faster.

It was hilarious to me to see all these people in ball gowns and tuxes...with rolling coolers! The ball was BYOB so you bring what you want to drink...and some people knew just what to bring.

It was not lost on me that the Convention Center was the scene of some real horrors during Hurricane Katrina...

It soon became the scene of my own personal disaster...

Now here I was, basically decked out as a female drag queen---fake eyelashes, padded bra, tight spanx, and a fake ponytail (which Friend 2 dubbed "the ferret") and I embarked on a love affair with bead catching...and vodka...

So I mixed myself a drink and set about to socializing...

Now here is the thing about people from Louisiana...they are like people from Texas...very friendly! So you make friends easily...by the time the night was over I had exchanged phone numbers with several new girlfriends and had a grand time meeting a bunch of other fun people...I just wish I could remember all of them...

uh yeah...it was one of THOSE nights...

I sorta lost track of how much vodka I was pouring down my throat.

So all of a sudden we hear sirens...and in the middle of the convention center comes a police brigade of motorcycle cops...and then comes the whole parade.

Will Ferrell was King of Bacchus.

It was awesome...he was on a float and throwing beads. Friend 2 caught some from him...

At one point a float came by with guys using air cannons...one of them shot me with something in the mouth...it bounced off my mouth but I am pretty sure it was beads.

I didn't bleed...

That time...

Friend 1 checked it out and declared me "fine"...so I threw more vodka down my throat so I could make sure I was disinfected.

There were marching bands galore...those poor kids had to be exhausted. But they were dancing away for us like we were the only people they were entertaining that day...

A little later someone else threw beads...

At my face...

Friend 1 looks over and me and sees that this time I am indeed bleeding.

We used ice and stopped the bleeding.

I still have the scab and bruising to show for it.

I think they were the massive heavy beads that I decided not to bring home with me.

Ouch...

So the parade ends and some dude comes over and starts chatting us up.

At that point I think I took a photo with him. He was dressed in some sort of Trojan costume that some of the men were wearing.

After a bit I asked him if he was married...

He said "yes, but it is Mardi Gras" and kisses me...

at that point I told him I was available but not available to him...and told him to go back to his wife...

I then was introduced to the devil of my evening...

KING CAKE FLAVORED VODKA

incredibly bad idea

and I usually HATE HATE HATE stuff like that but for some reason it seemed like a good idea at the time...so I drank some...and drank some more...and had fun with my new friends.

I don't remember much else...and I'm not proud to admit that to you. Why am I admitting that to you?

LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES

That is why I write this blog...

I forgot that I had already had plenty to drink...and I forgot there was diet coke on the table...and I forgot that I can't drink like I used to...

And I forgot I had been popped in the head by beads...

At some point I grabbed the Stoli bottle and just took a swig...thank goodness Friend 4 took it from me (and I hear he grabbed a swig himself) to save me from myself.

I was blessed to be among good friends...I got out of the Convention Center with everything but my little cheap fold up ballet flats...and I THINK my dignity still intact.

I did still have my tiara on my head...my sweet new friend from Atlanta procured that for me...she said she just new I needed one! Smart girly...

I complained endlessly to Friend 6 that I had no shoes on...yes, I walked the streets of New Orleans barefoot with a tiara and a ballgown on...

I don't remember arriving at the house but Friend 1 managed to help me get undressed and into pajamas and my contacts out and the ferret off my head...she is an amazing person.

I woke up the next morning with my eyelashes still on and feeling like death...and unsure of the time (it was 9:40 in the morning). Sadly I did NOT look at the time before I decided to take some Advil PM so prevent hangover headache.

One should not take Advil PM at 10 in the morning...just sayin...

Friend 1 found that the dead had arisen and explained that I was fine the night before...just had a lot of vodka...and was a happy little drunk who LOVED EVERYONE...again, the woman is a saint...

I drank a bunch of coffee, made some eggs and powered through.

Thank goodness our flight did not leave until 4:10 in the afternoon.

I took a little nap and found a way to push past the terrible hangover feelings...I later asked Friend 1 and Friend 5 if I should be impressed with myself for powering through or ashamed...

They said to "go with impressed" and laugh it off...they did...

I didn't do anything wrong...just to my body...

And I have considered giving up vodka for Lent...

Nah...I have a senior in high school...at some point I will want/need vodka again...just not anytime soon.

Nor do I need beer
or red wine
or white wine
or any kind of alcohol...

Once back in Houston I had to go and watch and help with a rehearsal of the middle school's one-act play (for competition next weekend).

When you have a hangover you really don't want to sit through "The Diary of Anne Frank" but I did it...and then I came home and swallowed most of a bottle of Tylenol and went to bed.

So sometime in 2023 I will pull another spectacular "I drank too much vodka" night but for now I can assure you that the very thought of feeling like I did yesterday is enough deterrent to tell the bartender to stop at 2 martinis.

And I will NEVER EVER EVER drink King Cake flavored vodka again...no matter how far Ke$ha Barbie pushes me...

So there you have it...my weekend in NOLA...

Oh, and while at the airport Friends 1,2,5, and I looked at the photos on Friend 1's camera...for me it was a little like the last scene of the movie "The Hangover"...and yes, FloRida's "Right Round" was playing in my brain as I looked at the evidence...

Inspiration Song: "Mardi Gras Day" by Dr. John...because it sounded fun while drinking Abita Purple Haze, eating pizza and waiting on the Endymion parade...and before getting hit in the eye by beads...

Bye Darlings...it's ok to misbehave every once in a while...especially if you are in NOLA for Mardi Gras...just be sure you are with loving friends who will help you up the stairs and out of your ballgown...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I'm Not Gonna Let it Bother Me Tonight

Ok, so yesterday I confessed my dirty little secret...my love affair with chips and dip.

I am happy to say I am on the road to recovery and NO chips or dip passed my lips today!

I am now facing a weekend in New Orleans (which I will refer to as NOLA for brevity here)...I am going with GOTT and GOTTESS and friends for the Bacchus Ball...

(Right now you are all jealous...come on...admit it...I'm going to a Mardi Gras Ball...and WILL FERRELL is the king! and yes, I plan to have a very very good time!!!).

I should be packing right now but instead I am writing this blog...because I hate to pack. I just can't be bothered with it tonight...I still have tomorrow...and part of Friday...

The last time I had to pack for a trip I got distracted...I headed to the club restaurant after Body Pump to pick up dinner and had a glass of wine while waiting on my dinner order and came home and ended up packing half of my wardrobe because I had wine...and got into a conversation with a new friend while there and he kept me laughing a little too long...

Tonight I did NOT have wine but I DID have a martini so I think it best not to pack while "on" vodka...

Now THAT'S funny...I won't pack on vodka but I will blog...you never know what I might type...

So I will pack tomorrow....and yes, I am packing vodka...and wine...

I think NOLA will be my biggest challenge yet...

NOLA has amazing food...

And I will not be able to workout for 3 days...my body might just shut down on me.

The last time I went to NOLA I was fat fat fat and I ate my way through the city. This time I plan to spend my calories wisely...I WILL indulge in some raw oysters and a Bloody Mary (or 2..or 3) at ACME Oyster Bar or Desire...and I WILL have beignets at Cafe DuMonde but I"m not wasting calories on stupid food.

Of course in NOLA there is no such thing as stupid food so I will probably eat my way to another pound or 2 that Dimples will have to punish me for.

Thank goodness for the Spanx...

When we return on Monday poor GOTTESS has to take a business trip to Europe (that very same night...she gets off one plane and gets on another) and GOTT and I have a rehearsal with the kids for One-Act Play Competition. Nothing like watching "The Diary of Anne Frank" while nursing a hangover...

We are going to have a great time...and I am not sure just how much I plan to tell you about it once it is over...but I will post a photo of me and the ballgown...

I don't have a date...well, TECHNICALLY I don't have a date but since there are 3 married couples going and 2 single girls (I am one), I have declared that SuSu will be "my" date. Thank goodness I totally love and adore SuSu...and thank goodness she is "hot" so she will make me look good.

SuSu is of Chinese descent. I love to hear her on the phone with her mother. She speaks...oh heavens...I think it is Mandarin...but it turns into a Chinese form of Spanglish when she talks to her...

It goes something like this....

mandarin mandarin mandarin mandarin "bagel" mandarin mandarin mandarin "halloween" mandarin mandarin mandarin....

you get the picture...

I want her to teach me some Mandarin while we are in NOLA...I might use it on Hot Guy at Gym just to confuse him. When I saw him tonight I told him my date was SuSu he seemed confused...but I straightened him out that I was "straight" and just joking...

Of course me being me and loving gay couples as well as straight, I will say that if I was gonna have a "girl" date that I would do very well to have SuSu on my arm...and so she will be...

Since I have been indulging in all the chip'n'dippage I went and bought some Spanx today...I bought a collection of Spanx...gotta see what works under the dress...I am sure I will be a miserable soul by the end of the evening but I think vodka will ease my pain...

So I informed GOTT today that I WOULD be checking a bag for the flight.

GOTT was not pleased but because he loves me he will deal with it.

GOTTESS will also be checking a bag...I informed him of that as well. He was not pleased. But because he loves her he will deal with it.

GOTTESS told me tonight her bag for her business trip is smaller than her bag for NOLA...that is why I love GOTTESS...and that is why we are "sister wives"...we are cut from the same cloth.

I told GOTT I had to check a bag because all of my hair products and cosmetics would not fit into the tiny little regulation bag that is required for carry-on bags...so I had to check it.

That and the fact that I must travel with my own pillow...a temperpedic...which weighs about 5 pounds...

Add that to the list of things that will annoy the new man in my life:
she must travel with her own pillow

Once "he" (whoever "he" may be) knows that, combined with the Sephora counter that is my bathroom, my DSW shoe collection in my closet, and my propensity to call vodka "Holy Water", "he" might just run for the hills...

If he stays we should pity the fool...

Other "annoyances" about me...

I'm scared to death of cockroaches
I have terrible ADD
I'm a great cook but hate to clean the kitchen after and I make a terrible mess
I am obsessed with working out
I won't order fries but I will eat them off your plate
I insist that everyone at the table tell me what they are ordering then I change my mind 10 times
I annoy waiters with my propensity to order things not as they are on the menu
I will talk to a wall...or the guy at the Sonic...or the valet guy...but they all end up loving me...even the wall
I cry at movies...tv shows...and commercials...
I will read 3 books at once...and sometimes have to take all of them with me when I travel (I think I need a Kindle)
I overpack...I really really really overpack for a trip
I like shoes and clothes...a lot
I wear Angel perfume...which apparently attracts men but annoys some of the people at the gym so much that one felt compelled to email the club manager that while I smelled "quite nice" it was too strong...so far no one at the bar has complained about it.

There is more...so much more...but there is only so much I expect you to read.

I do have my good traits but I fear that my bad ones will overshadow the good ones and that some poor man will think I'm a good idea for a while and then decide that I am too much work and that he needs a 12 step program to detox from me...and the Angel perfume...

So yeah...I'm a bit of a bother...but maybe some day some man will find me worth it.

Thank goodness I have GOTT...being my "work spouse" he puts up with all of that and more...and he has the patience of a saint to do so...and he lovingly listens as I spout my worries to him and he counsels me...

and that is why I love him...

And that is why he has promised me that he will not allow me to drink any hurricanes while we are in NOLA...because he cares for me and takes care of me...because I am basically his bad hellion of a big sister as well as work spouse.

But I told him I WAS allowed all the vodka I could handle and one daiquiri on Bourbon Street per day.

He's agreeable to that...

And that, is why I love him...and I love GOTTESS for sharing him with me...

And I love SuSu...cause she's my "date"....

Now I am off to bed before I succumb to the siren call of the last remains of the jalapeno dip that is in the fridge...

I'll keep you posted...I should be packing but I can't be bothered with it tonight!

Inspiration Song: "I'm Not Gonna Let it Bother Me Tonight" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section...and if you don't know who ARS is, well once again I will say you are too young to be reading this blog...or maybe I need to give you a lesson in 70's great music...I love ARS...

Bye Darlings...I should be packing but I'm not gonna be bothered by it tonight...like Scarlett O'Hara...I'll think about it tomorrow...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Secret Love

Oh...this is so hard to admit...

I've been keeping a secret.

I am having a love affair.

No one really knows about it...well, AngelAmy does because she has observed me and my beloved more than a few times.

I know she doesn't really approve but she doesn't judge.

No, it is not with Hot Guy at Gym (although I am open to the possibility of spending time with his very hot and sweet and funny self).

No...my love affair is with...

chips

and

dip

Yes, I have been cheating...on my diet...

And I have become an addict...I'm addicted to my lover...

"Hello, my name is Anice and I am a chipndipaholic"

(This is where everyone in the room says "Hi Anice"...so if you are a chipndipaholic please say "Hi Anice" now...and I will do the same when it is your turn to get up and share).

It is a sneaky little love affair...and sometimes I cheat on my lovers.

I have a few lovers of the "chip" persuasion...
Baked Ruffles
Baked Pita Chips
corn chips
popchips
Special K chips

sometimes when I am desperate and really need a fix I will grab the carrots out of the fridge...but they are merely a vehicle for the dip...

As for the dip end of things...sour cream based dips are my drug of choice but almost any will do. HEB is my drug dealer/pusher.

My dip boyfriends are:
jalapeno dip
HEB "Love" dip
french onion dip
buffalo wings dip
cheddar jalapeno dip
hummus (ok that one is when I am really feeling guilty)
queso (when available...and I "speedball" it with a margarita)

Oh, I have sunk to a new low...except that my weight is not what has sunk...it's up...

Like anyone trying to recover from an addiction I do my best to try and avoid the temptation.

But for some reason as I troll the aisles of HEB without any premeditation (chips and dip are never on my grocery list) they end up in my basket.

It's like someone else's hand reaches into the fridge case and grabs the dip and puts it into my basket...and if you have dip, you need something to use to get it to your mouth.

I've been carrying on this little affair for the last few weeks.

My brain KNOWS it is wrong. I have a teeny tiny little dress to wear on Sunday and it won't look good with back fat and a poochy belly.

But sure enough today that jalapeno dip did her siren call and soon I was grabbing the baked Ruffles and off to the couch I went to plop them into my mouth.

Like any secret affair, I know I am doing wrong...but I'm loving my lovers.

But I have to stop...so I will.

I'm gonna break up with my lover...so I can have a real one and not look and feel bad.

So hot guy who drives a big ass truck, I've broken up with my boyfriend and I'm available...

Just please don't make me fat like this little affair I have been having has...

I'm pretty sure hot guy at the gym is sweet but calorie free...and since he works out maybe he won't order queso if he ever takes me out for ritas (the "skinny girl" kind with agave or zero calorie sweetener thankyouverymuch)...but he better order fries and let me steal them if we ever go to Houston's...

Inspiration Song: "Secret Love" by the one, the only, the amazing Stevie Nicks...yeah, I'm a fan...a big one...

Bye Darlings...the first step to fixing something when you are doing wrong is admitting you are doing wrong...

Sunday, February 12, 2012

If I Could Fall In Love

Today I went to a new church.

And it was...

Awesome
Amazing
Incredible

and LIFE CHANGING...

but before I tell you all about church, I have to backtrack because I have to tell you all the obstacles that got in my way that almost kept me from this awesome, amazing, incredible and life changing experience.

JayVee invited me to come to church with her last week. She said "you should come...the pastor is talking about sex, love and dating".

Hmmmmm....

That really does fit my life right now and I love JayVee for thinking of me!

So what were my stumbling blocks?

Let's start with Ke$ha Barbie and my needing to be available to help her (yes, she is no longer Satan).

But she told me I could go because she was going to go and work at school on her art project. (and yes, I have to LOVE LOVE LOVE her teacher for meeting her at school on a SUNDAY to help her get her project ready to submit to the fancy schmancy NYC art school).

OK, stumbling block #1 gone...

Stumbling block #2...I usually do spin on Sunday at noon and JayVee was not teaching so she wanted to go to the 11:00 service. A teacher I"m not crazy about was teaching so I didn't mind...later I found out that she was unable to teach and Je T'aime Jamie took over for her. Lucky for me that stumbling block was not an issue because I didn't find out about Je T'aime Jamie subbing until AFTER church...

Stumbling block #3 was all me...because last night I went to dinner with KuteKaren, D-nice, and LovelyLauri. We had a blast. We ate at Ousie's and laughed ourselves silly.

I had some excellent martinis and a fabulous wine ("Dueling Pistols" by The Federalist...order it...buy it...drink it...yummy petite syrah/zinfandel blend). So between the wine and staying up late because I balanced the wine/martinis with Diet Coke I didn't get to sleep until almost 2 am so when the alarm went off this morning I ALMOST did not get out of bed.

But I did...I dragged my butt out of bed and was grateful I was going to church and not spin class.

Stumbling block #4...my sister wife called (that would be GOTTESS) and we HAD to plan our upcoming trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. So I was a bit distracted with excitement about going and was slow to get myself ready....but I got out the door only a teensy bit late (8 minutes).

Stumbling Block #5...I went to McDonalds to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. Should not have been a problem except that it took almost 6 minutes for them to get me change...and I thought I was saving time by NOT going through the drive thru....who knew...

Stumbling Block #6...my usual route to JayVee's house had some major construction issues so I decided to roll the dice and take 610...lucky for me the Loop was clear and I made record time.

So despite all the obstacles thrown my way, I still managed to get to JayVee's house in good time and we got to church right on time. JayVee's handsome hubby who I call "The Hunk" drove us and dropped us at the front door while he parked the car and then joined us. I love a gentleman...and yes, The Hunk drives a big ass truck...just part of his charm...I keep telling him to clone himself for me since he already belongs to JayVee.

I loved it that JayVee told me I could wear jeans. As we walked up EVERYONE was casually dressed. I liked that...

As someone who was raised in the most formal of churches---the Episcopal Church---it was refreshing to not have to put on a dress and heels. I am aware that many churches, even Episcopalian ones, are "casual" these days but for me this was a first.

We walked in and I saw...

A ROCK BAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah...this was my kind of church!

A drummer, electric guitars, a keyboardist and several singers...the church had me at "blue jeans" but sealed the deal with the praise and worship band...

The music was fantastic...I stood right on up and sang my heart out and clapped along and enjoy every song.

Then the pastor came out.

He was young and handsome. Dressed in jeans and a sweater.

My kind of guy.

He told us that he was going to discuss "LSD"...and that he liked saying LSD at church.

"LSD" stands for Love, Sex, and Dating...

And the church is doing a 4 part series on it.

So Pastor Kenny starts the talk off by saying...and wow this is TRUE wisdom...

"Are you the person that the person you are looking for is looking for?"

Wow....that is so very true.

Now even if you are married, are you the person that the person you are with should/will want to be with?

I want to be the person who a handsome guy who drives a big ass truck and brings me lilies and has a good job and will watch Modern Family is looking for!

I think I am...I mean, I'm not being conceited here but I think I am a damn good cook, a not-bad looking woman, I can entertain, I can be funny, and I can drive a big ass truck if a man needs me to.

So yeah, I think I AM the person that the person I am looking for is looking for.

As an example he used Tim Tebow and Katy Perry.

It seems Katy Perry's mother feels that her daughter and Tebow should meet and date.

Ummmmm.....wow....

No, Tim Tebow IS NOT LOOKING KATY PERRY OR ANYONE LIKE KATY PERRY...

Good example.

I'm not looking for Tim Tebow. I'm looking for a man, 40-52 years old that drives a big ass truck, preferably has kids (yes, I would enjoy that), is smart and funny and handsome and knows to order me stoli or red wine. A sexy beast in a Chevy truck that has a good job. I think that kind of man just might like a woman like me.

He went on to say (yes, I took notes...I have never done that in church before) that if you believe that there is just ONE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU then he knows exactly where you can find that ONE RIGHT PERSON...

"behind the unicorn and the oompah loompah over in the corner there!"

Because that "one right person" is a myth...we can have more than one right person...and a lot of wrong persons.

Mind you he was NOT advocating that we have more than one partner in our lives...but rather that sometimes we THINK we have met the perfect person but that may not be it...or that we may meet someone who is perfect but for some reason we may lose that person but still have the hope to move on to the next right person.

Remember, he was talking about DATING here...he was not talking about plural marriage or affairs.

He then started talking about how we help our children when they ask us about "will I know when I find the right one?"

That is a scary question to answer.

He read us a very funny letter written by a 14 year old boy to his 13 year old girlfriend who was going on a church retreat.

I don't know how he got the letter but it was hilarious...

So full of "I love you so much" things that a 14 year old boy who BELIEVES he is in love would say.

"God bless the broken road that brought me to you baby"

At least he knows how to quote Rascal Flats lyrics.

Toooooooo funny....

He then told us to let God work on us, shape us and be with HIM...

Great advice...I have been trying to do that.

He said not to rush into engagements for marriage...because love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

Um yeah...

And that the young cute thing you love will one day have hair growing out of his ears and nose and that she will have batwings.

See...back to the batwing thing again...it's haunting me...

He also said that he knew someone was going to come up to him and say "but I know this great couple that got married after only a month"...

And his answer to that..."well there are people who survive going over Niagra Falls in a barrel but I don't recommend that either".

True....so true

More wisdom:

"You will never meet the right person in the wrong place."

Thank goodness for me that the only "club" I hang out in is my fitness/country club.

And yes, I think it is perfectly appropriate for me to meet the "right" man at the gym or at the
club bar...because I am probably the youngest person at the club bar...just sayin'...not a hotbed of singleton activity.

He went on to say much much more...and did a great talk to the men in the congregation about how to treat their wives and girlfriends.

You can hear more on this subject and the rest of the talks at:

www.thebridgefellowship.com

They don't have today's lesson up but they do have last week's.

Go to the "messages online" section then go to "Bridge Audio" and then scroll to the bottom of the page and click on LSD...

I plan to return to that church...a lot...and not just for the LSD series...

I needed that message today...and I am so happy that I made it to church with JayVee and the Hunk...

After the service I told them both how much I loved them...how lucky and blessed I was with their love and caring of me and their friendship.

God used JayVee as his instrument today...to get me to church to hear a message.

A message in a church I was very comfortable in and felt loved and welcomed in.

There was no stained glass...
No communion
No big cross
No hymns
No man in a robe
No kneelers
No needlepoint cushions
No fancy altar
No flowers
No candles
No dress, heels and hose

But there was a man in jeans and a sweater, an awesome praise and worship rock band...and an incredible message.

There is nothing wrong with a stained glass church with a man in a robe leading the hymns, but for me I think I need to shake things up a bit and try something a bit different.

Everyone's got their something...mine happens to be in Sugarland at The Bridge Fellowship I think...

I know I will fall in love again...with the RIGHT person this time...with a person who is looking for a woman like me.

In the meantime I fell in love with a church...and fell back in love with worshipping God...because I think I found the church that is looking for someone like me because I am looking for a church like that.

So to my sweet JayVee...I love you sistah! I love you for asking me to join you and your wonderful family at church and I love you for loving me...

The man in the big ass truck will come...in the meantime I have the Man Upstairs to love me and for me to love...

I love God...

I love Jesus for the sacrifice He made for me...

And I love worshipping him in my jeans...and listening to a pastor who made me laugh...and made me think...and made me see that love will come my way again with the perfect person that He (God) has for me...

All I have to do is wait...and be ready when that man in the big ass truck comes to me...he can drive a car too...

Inspiration Song: "If I Could Fall in Love" by Lenny Kravitz from the Blue Crush soundtrack. Lousy movie...good music...

Bye Darlings...try something new and different...you might fall in love...I did today...with a church...

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"--- Nietzsche
Very true...so very true...

Ke$ha Barbie is trying to kill me...but she is making me a stronger mother.

Dimples tries to kill me during my workouts...and he has made me stronger.

Dealing with divorce is killing me because I want it over...but I am learning to be an adult through it and getting stronger.

A bad marriage almost killed me...literally and figuratively...but it has made me a stronger and better woman for the next man that I will love.

Losing weight did not kill me...it saved my life...but sometimes looking at the scale kills me...but that just gives me a stronger resolve to work harder.

So yeah...I agree with Nietzsche

So the easy one first...my body strength...

Dimples dishes out strength workouts to me like a crack dealer.

He makes me work hard and the results are showing. In the last 3 months I have seen more definition to my body thanks to some weight coming off and more fat loss and building of muscle tissue.

And I religiously do "Body Pump".

So now, Mama has guns...and some pretty good shoulders to boot.

Good thing since next weekend I have to wear a halter necked gown to a Mardi Gras ball.

I can't do anything about the "bat wings" under the arms but at least the tops of my arms look good and somewhat "cut". Oprah was obsessed with her batwings...I am too...we have that in common...she should call me so we can discuss it.

This summer a male friend of mine commented that my arms were looking good. I told him "yeah, but I hate the flappy bat wings when I do this" (I was holding up my arms like goal posts).

He says: "why would you stand like that? It's not normal...you don't stand like that so guess what? I don't see the batwings!"

He had a point.

He is such a MAN...with a good point.

So I don't stand around with my arms like goal posts.

And I remember that comment all the time so it keeps my arms down where they belong and my shoulders look good.

It also keeps me doing all the pushups and pull-ups I do.

Once upon a time in my life the only "pull up" I knew was made by Huggies...

Now I hear the word, stick my tongue out at Dimples...and complain all the way to the pull-up machine and then I go to town on them...

I like being stronger. I can lift as much as Je t'aime Jamie and the men in Body Pump...in fact, Je t'aime Jamie and I often lift MORE than the men in Body Pump. Just sayin'...

Hey, as long as Hot Guy at Gym (HGAG) keeps telling me I am looking good, I will put those damn weights in my hands and lift.

Ok..on to the next thing that makes me stronger...the weight loss and my battle with the scale.

So up and down the scale goes...one day I am one weight...the next another. I am trying not to let it affect or ruin my day. But I will say that it does often motivate me to push a little harder when I work out when I see that the scale is reflecting my recent obsession with chips...and dip...

but I am proud to say that I have 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies sitting untouched on my counter...

And every time I walk by them and don't touch them I DO feel stronger...and lighter...

Today I substituted the chips for carrots...but I was really only using them as a vehicle for the dip I wanted.

Small steps...small steps...

Let's move on to Ke$ha Barbie...ok, I think I covered that in my last blog.

She will not kill me...she will make me stronger.

Thank goodness The Cutest Boy in the World is soooooo good....

As for the bad marriage and divorce...well, I really spill my guts here but some things I should keep private for the sake of my children and my ex.

But I have learned a lot through my soon-to-be final divorce and former marriage. And I have learned what I do and do not want in a partner. And I will be a stronger and better partner/lover/girlfriend/wife because of it...

I have some friends that are going through a lot of stuff right now...some of it good and positive, some of it very very tough.

One friend of mine had a gut-punch yesterday. She found out the man she broke up with in November got married last month.

yeah, do the math...that is 2 months...

um, yeah...not fun...hurt her a lot...FOR A DAY...that is all she was going to "give" him to feel bad about it. She is stronger for it...and keeps getting stronger every day....and today she let it make her stronger.

Mind you, she was over him...and held no illusions that they would ever get back together. But you really don't want to hear that the man who told you he would never marry again just got married to someone 2 months after meeting her.

What didn't kill her is making her stronger...and she is my hero for handling it so well.

So whether it is lifting weights to make our bodies stronger or lifting our spirits to handle a crisis, we all get stronger when we don't let something stop us or slow us down.

I want a strong body...and a strong mind...and a strong spirit...

I almost let my mother's death turn me into a truly miserable soul. I almost let a bad marriage turn me into a FAT miserable soul. And the combination of the two ALMOST killed me because I got so fat and miserable...

But no longer...

What HAS NOT killed me has made me stronger...

So Dimples...BRING IT!

Inspiration Song: "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson...my latest "power" song...gets me going on the spin bike...

some lyrics:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller
doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
footsteps a little lighter
doesn't mean I'm over because you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself, and I
What doesn't kill you makes you sronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Bye Darlings...what does not kill you will make you stronger...so get strong...don't let teenagers or trainers kill you...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Teenage Daughters

Is it ok to hate your teenage daughter?

Maybe hate is too strong a word...or maybe it isn't...

Right now I can honestly say that I don't like Ke$ha Barbie very much.

She.Is.Making.Me.Crazy.

I have promised her that I won't reveal too much personal stuff on my blog about her...but I can tell you without revealing too much that I honestly think she is crazy.

Or maybe it's me.

Or maybe it is just a teenage girl and her mother.

Or maybe it is the full moon...cause there is a full moon right now.

I have referred to her many times as:
Valdemort
She Who Must Not be Named
The Devil that Lives Upstairs
Beelzebub
The Reason for My Insanity
God's Punishment for Me
The Evil One


Harsh I know...but all deserved names for a teenage girl.

I have a friend who is raising his 3 girls by himself.

I take pity on the poor man.

I listen to him as he tells me why he thinks he might go nuts before he gets the last one out of the house.

She just turned 13 last week...he has a long way to go.

While we were having a conversation last week he got calls from all 3 of them...the oldest tried to pick a fight, the middle one was his happy place and the youngest wanted Daddy to come home---NOW

Poor baby...

He told me he head a terrible headache...I told him that was because he had 3 daughters...

And then I told him he was a great Daddy and doing a great job and to take a deep breath and one day he was going to miss them terribly.

And then I offered him Ke$ha Barbie in exchange for all 3.

He didn't take that offer...and I know he would have given her back in 10 minutes and begged to have his 3 back.

Today when I saw him I complained that Ke$ha Barbie had pushed me to my limit.

He said "Really? Well last night my foot was about to meet one of my girl's rear end so I could kick her across the room!"

I told him I knew he didn't/wouldn't do that and he said "Nah...but I sure wanted to!"

I reminded him that it was a full moon...that is when werewolves come out.

Teenage girls are werewolves...they change before your eyes and turn from a meek human into something evil and dangerous.

And it doesn't always take a full moon...but it does seem to make it worse.

He and I often compare notes on the girls. He often says to me that his youngest "hates him".

Truth be told...they all say that...

Truth be told he is a great man and a wonderful father and there is no way she hates him...

Like all teenage girls she just says that to hurt him.

And it does...

Because there is no greater pain to a parent than to think that our child hates us.

I remember watching "Finding Nemo" and there is a scene where little Nemo tells Marlin (the daddy fish) that he hates him.

I cried.

And realized that at some point almost all children will say that to their parent.

I think I told my mother that I hated her about 628 times...or maybe it was 629...I lost count.

I also thought she was the stupidest, dumbest, most ignorant, idiotic, and craziest person I knew...that was when I was a teenager.

Once I grew up and became an adult I thought she was the smartest and most wonderful woman in the world and she was my best friend.

And I miss her every single day.

Especially when Ke$ha Barbie is living up to the title of "Satan".

Oh yeah...I forgot that name on the list...she is very often Satan...

And I am sure my mother would inform me that I was also Satan...quite often...

When my father had a heart attack he had to have an angiogram. The doctor came out of the room and talked to my sister and me. He told us that he had Daddy on a lot of drugs to make him comfortable for the procedure...and that my father informed him that he had 9 children---7 of which were girls...and at that time 4 of the 7 were teenagers.

He asked us if that was true or just the drugs talking.

We confirmed that it was correct...indeed there were 9 of us and 7 were girls.

The doctor then looks us dead in the eye and says "well that explains it...any man with 7 daughters is going to have a heart attack at some point!"

So today when I saw my friend at the gym and we were exchanging "my daughter is the devil because..." stories I told him "isn't it great that we are working out? Cause it is too early to go to the bar..."

I literally rode off my argument with Ke$ha Barbie from the night before...and burned 400 calories doing it with the help of the spin bike and some rock and roll.

I did confess to him that the night before I had a martini...well, make that 2...and some wine...

yeah, it was one of "THOSE" fights...and I thank God for the fact that I had Stoli in the house.

Now lest you think I drink my troubles away, I can assure you that as the daughter of an alcoholic mother I do not drink to relieve my troubles.

Or at least I don't make a practice of it...

But when the moon is full and your daughter turns into a werewolf before your very eyes, well let me tell you...this is no episode of "True Blood" or a "Twilight" movie...there were no vampires around to vanquish the werewolves...

So I had to use the next best thing...Stoli

Cause like the wicked witch of the west...when you pour water on me I will melt...or in this case you pour Stoli down my throat my anger melts.

My goal is NOT to become an alcoholic before she leaves for college. I told my friend his goal should be the same. Of course his drug of choice is Crown Royal so at least I don't have to fight him for the last of the vodka when we are at the bar together comparing whose daughter became more like Satan that day.

Cause I would totally win if there was a fight for the vodka...

He may be taller and stronger but I am pretty sure I could leap over the bar faster than him...but like I said, he likes another liquor...which I am grateful for...because he is very nice and quite pretty but that doesn't matter when Mama has had a bad day with the Devil that Lives Upstairs...

And if they run out of Stoli I will wrestle him for the Crown...

And I will win...

Because although I am a woman...I do remember how to behave like a teenage girl...and all I will have to do is look at him and start crying...

He will give me anything I want at that moment...even the last of the liquor at the bar...

Actually that might be a good plan for controlling a man in general...just behave like a teenage girl...

I can pout, cry, fuss, whine, and flip like a switch...because at 47 I can easily remember back 30 years to how to behave like a fussy teenage girl.

You can call me SATAN...

Nah...I'd rather be a man's Angel any day than the devil that plagues him...I am a grownup after all...and I want a grown up man...one who will help me vanquish Beelzebub and I can help him conquer his demons (teenage girls) should he have any...

And if that doesn't work I can just go and get some Holy Water...

Mine is called "Stolichnaya"

It doesn't work on the girls but it does help the parents.

Inspiration Song: "Teenage Daughters" by Martina McBride...Je T'aime Jamie played it for me and told me it reminded her of me...I totally get it...

here is a lyric sample:

I ain't complainin', but I'm tired
So I'm just sayin' what I think
And if we're being honest
Then honestly I think I need a drink...

Bye Darlings...I'm sure Ke$ha Barbie will turn back into a lovely girl someday...but I might kill her before it happens...pray for us to survive until she is safely at college...