Monday, July 31, 2017

You Will Be Found

Hi darlings...

So yesterday I unloaded on how lost I am feeling right now...

It's crazy that all I wanted was to get through my cancer treatments and now I am terrified that I am done and worried and scared out of my mind that I will wake up tomorrow and it will have come back.

Cancer is a mind f**k...sorry for the bad word but it is the best word for it...

I'm still trying to process everything I have been through for the past 9 months...I go back and read my old blogs and I can feel all the pain I felt at the time I wrote them...

so
much
pain

and

so
much
fear

I honestly marvel now that I made it through because I think of myself as very much a child and scared of everything...

cockroaches can literally paralyze me with fear...fear to the point I shake...and it's a damn bug...

I'm so scared of heights I can't get on a ladder or stand on a chair. GOTT once asked me to stand on a ladder so he could focus a light and he heard a banging noise and asked what it was and it was ME ON THE LADDER SHAKING SO HARD THE LADDER WAS BANGING...

I'm afraid every time I get on a plane and if I travel alone I feel like I'm a child and I need an escort...

I'm afraid of needles... and even after all the needle sticks I have had over the last 9 months I still whine when I have a blood draw and I have to have a numbing shot before they access my port...

I was terrified of the chemo and radiation.

T
E
R
R
I
F
I
E
D

TERRIFIED
TERRIFIED
TERRIFIED

I was afraid I would be terribly sick.

I was afraid I was going to lose my hair (thanks to cold capping I did not) and that I would get sick (thanks to good meds I didn't) and that I would gain weight (ugh...yes...5 lbs each round).

I was afraid radiation would burn me (it didn't) and that it would make me sick (only mildly nauseated) or have lower gut issues (my heavily veggie diet aggravated that so that was my fault).  I was afraid my bowel and bladder would suffer permanent damage (I'm fine) and that it would hurt (it didn't).  I told my radiation oncologist I was afraid of what he was going to do to me and that I would be messed up after and that I didn't want to feel crappy again...

guess what---none of that happened...(Dr. Angel is such an angel---he took good care of me).

I still have big doctor crushes on Dr. Rockstar and now Dr. Angel----because all the things I feared were just that---fears.  They made sure I was ok and I am...

One of the things that also caused me anxiety was the fear that I was going through this alone without a partner.  I even whined about it in a blog.

But I was blessed beyond belief to have a web of support that goes above and beyond what a boyfriend/lover/partner could have done for me.

I didn't go through this alone...I had so much love and support and help that I will never be able to repay it.

KuteKaren has been by my side through many doctor appointments and held my hand when I had to hear bad news.  She went with me to meet Dr. Angel and calmed me down when I had to hear hard things.

TwirlerGirl was by my side through each and every chemo.  She put my cold caps on and fetched me food.  I have hair because she worked damn hard for it.  She let me cry on the phone to her nonstop and has listened to me whine and fuss for hours at a time.  She brought me home from every chemo and settled me in at home when I was tired from all the poison in me.

WonderWoman (who kicked ovarian cancer in the ass) came down on my last chemo to give me love and support.  She counseled me through chemo and her honesty is probably why I got through it so well because I was prepared for what was coming.

GOTT and GOTTESS have lifted me up with so much love I am beyond blessed to call them my chosen family.  GOTT knew I was sick and did everything possible to help me through it at work and during our shows.  I am blessed that I get to go to work and be with my best friend.

TerrificTrish came into my life in the most perfect way possible.  We met at spin class!  I met my soul sister at my sanctuary and in the perfection that is our friendship she had uterine cancer and THE SAME DOCTORS I HAVE! Yes! She had Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel to save her life too!  Dr. Rockstar LOVES that we met at spin and Dr. Angel is highly amused that we are friends.  He's mildly afraid of us and one day we will terrify that poor dear man by showing up at his office together to thank him for being awesome.

My students have been amazing through all of this.  I love them beyond measure and they took such care to help me and love me through it all.  They got flu shots to protect me, they stayed away when I was sick, they sent me messages to keep me going, they worked when I couldn't, they gave me such love that I can't believe I get to love them all...

My friends at school have been amazing.  The Music Man (our choir and music director) and SweetLisa (the department assistant) took such great care of me and gave me amazing hugs and love. They checked on me constantly and helped me as much as they could.  The chaplain at school prayed with and for me and teachers who knew of my battle prayed for me and lifted me up.  I'm so blessed.

My children have been so incredible through all of this...it was harder on them than anyone and they were so brave and fabulous.  I fought this battle for THEM and I won for THEM and each time when I wanted to give up I didn't give up because I need to live to be their mom...

JayVee, SweetSuzanne, PrettyPhyllis, my "Aunt" Susan, my "moms" Shari and Jo, and so many friends held me up when I wanted to just lay down and give up.

My housekeeper Su took such amazing care of me.  She played nurse, she cooked for me, she did everything possible to help me.  She's my sister from another mister and so much more than my housekeeper...she gave me love beyond what I deserve.

I had incredible doctors who have incredible teams and nurses and assistants who never made me feel like I was alone in my fight.  They made me feel like they were battling with me and took such incredible care of me.  Everyone from the beautiful receptionist to the nurses to the doctors made me feel so safe each and every day...

My Aunt Jane has been by my side throughout ALL of this.  She slept at the hospital with me.  She goes to the doctor appointments.  She took me to chemo and radiation.  She's been better support to me than my own mother would have been.  I could not have done this without her.

My mother would have been a hot mess with this.  First of all she would have gone all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment with the nurses at the hospital.  It would have happened.  There would have been some screaming and pounding on the nurses station desk that I was in pain and needed the pain medication.  She would have been glorious at it.

She also would have been all about Debbie with it.

Instead of  "My DAUGHTER has cancer"

it would have been:

"MY daughter has cancer"

yes, it would have been all about her...but that's ok...but I am very glad I had my Aunt Jane there for me...she has been "my person" all of my life when it comes to the person who looks after me the most.

Would it have been nice to have someone to hold me when I hurt?  To kiss away the pain and fear?  To hold me in bed when I couldn't sleep?  To say "I love you" before poison was poured into my veins?  To tell me I was still pretty when I was fat and bloated and losing some hair and pale and sickly?  To say "baby you are strong and I am here for you?"

hell yes...

but that was not how this worked out...

and after all I have been through I now see how God has forged me in fire to be ready for that relationship when it happens...

and maybe he won't have blue eyes
and maybe he won't have dimples
and maybe he won't drive a big ass truck

he might have glasses and drive a sedan....

who knows...

but I do know that whoever it is that God has for me he will have to be a very understanding man because he didn't go through the fire with me and so there are things he will not know...but hopefully he will see a woman who burned to be alive and will admire the fire and fight I have inside me.

I've learned so much from having cancer.

But one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that you are not alone even if you feel like your are.

There are dark dark moments in our lives.  Times we think that NOTHING and NO ONE can help us out of the darkness.

It doesn't just have to be cancer...that just happens to be what my burden was.

Everyone has moments of despair...
of feeling alone...
of feeling like no one understands...
feeling like you are the only person who knows what something feels like...

THOSE moments happen to all of us.

But we are not alone...

someone is always there...it may not be who you expect...or maybe it is...

but SOMEONE will be there for you...

and, because I am a woman of faith, I know that GOD is there too.

I was telling JayVee today that I know God did not give me cancer to punish me.

There is a purpose to me going through it.

Maybe it is to help others by telling my story...maybe it will get someone to the doctor...

or maybe it is to spread the word about cold capping...

or maybe it is because my doctors learned something about cancer because of my case...

maybe it was to refine me for what is next to come in my life...

or maybe who is to come in my life...

whatever the reason is I know it was not a punishment and it was not because I deserved to have to suffer.

Millions of people get cancer...some, like me, are lucky...and some, sadly, are not...

cancer is vicious and ugly...but those of us who have survived are new people...we have been through a refinement that can only come out of a scary dark place.

But everyone has a scary dark place and it doesn't have to be medical.

My scary dark place was cancer...yours might be something very different.

But just know that in your life you have people who will hold you up when you can't stand.
People who will pull you to shore when you can't swim...
People who will sing for you when you can't sing...
People who will take time for you...

you are not alone...

and I am here...

Thank God---I.Am.Here.

Thank you all for being "here" for me when I needed love and support...all of you who read my blogs, who post on social media, who called and texted, all of you who prayed for me...I love and appreciate you more than you will ever know...

when I was broken and on the ground...thanks to all of you I was found...

Inspiration song: "You Will Be Found" from the musical "Dear Evan Hansen".  I'm obsessed with that musical and this song in particular. The words are beautiful...here are some of them:

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they'll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you're broken on the ground
You will be found

So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found


Bye Darlings---I thought I was in this fight alone but I wasn't...I had all of you to pick me up off the ground and keep me going...









Sunday, July 30, 2017

Feels

Hellloooooo Darlings!

I have resolved to get back to blogging so here I am...and hopefully I won't be blogging much more about Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma because...

(insert a drumroll here in your head):

I AM DONE WITH MY CANCER TREATMENTS!!!!

(now mentally throw a lot of glitter and confetti around and do a little dance...I will wait....)

That's right...I finished my cancer treatments!

I officially finished on Thursday, July 27 at about 12:30.

I even got a cute little certificate signed by Dr. Angel to forever remind me of what I have been through.

So after:
6 rounds of Taxol and Carboplatin chemotherapy...
25 external beam radiation treatments
3 brachytherapy treatments (I'm gonna let you Google it...he used a Capri unit to do it...)
a complete hysterectomy
5 lymph glands removed
untold number of pills
lots of blood tests
several CT scans
hours of freezing my scalp to keep my hair
and 30 lbs gained and now thankfully lost
hours and hours and hours spent at 6400 Fannin and driving to and from there

I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR

(throw some more glitter around...dance a bit more...)

but here's the weird part....

I don't know how I feel about it.

I feel a little lost...

and I know that sounds COMPLETELY INSANE

For the better part of 9 months I have been fighting for my life and trying to be cured.

It has pretty much been the focus of my life for these 9 months except for a few brief weeks in May between treatments and in January and February when I was so immersed in my show that cancer was like a pesky gnat but I just kept swatting it away.

For 5 weeks I spent Monday-Friday planning my life around when I would go to 6400 Fannin and let Dr. Angel and his team nuke me.  It took up a good portion of my day because you don't just walk in, flop on the table and then leave...you have to see Dr. Angel and the nurses regularly...the table gets backlogged because someone is late...

and don't even get me started on parking in that damn parking garage...I've spent hours seeking a parking space there until a learned a little trick...message me if you have to go there and I will share what I have learned...

Cancer treatments made me alter how I ate...what I ate...IF I ate...

I had to back off of my workout during chemo and had to give up yoga...

I spent hours in my recliner just trying to rest and get my strength back...

I spent restless nights feeling crappy...or scared to death...

I lost my strength, I gained a ton of weight, and I lacked energy to do much except try to get well.

But now, thankfully, I am done with it!

But cancer doesn't just mess with you physically....

until you have found yourself at 2 am Googling the thing that is trying to kill you and what the survival rates are you don't know just how scared you can be...

or when a doctor tells you the survival rate for your cancer is 10 years and you realize that means you might die before you get to have the senior rate at the museum...

or when they tell you that if your tumor comes back it will be about quality of life and not saving your life...

well...you just pretty much are terrified out of your mind...

and trust me I fully know that there are more terrifying and deadly cancers than mine is...I do know that things could be worse.

I know I am incredibly blessed to have insurance and to have Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel doing everything in their power to cure me.

But beyond the physical cure you have to do some mental curing...

you have to get over the terror of having to have fought to live...

you have to find a way to wake up each and every day and not let the first thought in your head be "is this the day the cancer comes back"....

you have to find a way to find "normal" again....

and normal is a new normal once you have had cancer...because you are NOT the same person who had cancer once you are a survivor.

One of the strangest feelings I have confronted is the free falling terror I feel now that I am not walking into Dr. Angel's office every day.

for the last 6 weeks that precious man and his staff have literally watched over me like angels...they have fussed over me...taken countless vitals....constantly checked on how I was feeling...and have made sure that each and every day I am ok...

It's that kind of hand holding that people like me really need....

It's not that I need to be the center of attention or looked at but rather that I got very very comfortable knowing that each and every day my cancer was being taken care of...that the best doctor in this city was doing all he could to give me a future and that his nurses and techs were making sure it happened...

And now....even though I am so grateful to have the time back and not have to drive across the city each day....I now worry about NOT having someone making sure nothing was wrong...because part of me is terrified that if I get to forgetting about my cancer it will sneak back up on me and kill me.

Crazy, right?

I thought so until I talked to some of my friends who are survivors who told me it's not an unusual feeling to have...

whew....

like I said....cancer messes with your brain as well...

I'm beginning to start to be ok without the constant watching but trust me until I go get my next CT scan and Dr Angel tells me it is all clear I won't breathe easily...

I feel so so so much better physically.

I'm back to working out almost every day (I force myself to take breaks).  I have returned to my beloved Revolution Studio with more love than ever for the spin and yoga classes and the staff and instructors.  Every drop of sweat that pours out of my body feels like a victory because 6 months ago it was all I could do sometimes to get out of my chair.

Dr. Angel was blown away by the fact that I kept exercising through all of the radiation treatments and he thinks that my spin and yoga classes have gone a long way toward my well being as well as my looking and feeling so much better.  I agree....I feel better now than I did on May 1...and I even feel better than I did on June 14 when I started radiation treatments.

Every downward dog feels like a prayer and every spin class feels like the Olympics of my life because I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT...

There were days during chemo that I doubted I would ever feel like really exercising again and that I would ever feel like going out to dinner or having fun again.

But now I do and I haven't felt this good in almost 2 years....

Now if I can only adjust my brain to feeling like it's not all a dream and that it won't all come crashing down on me any minute...

that the cancer won't come back....

I have had people tell me I made cancer look easy...

I have had some that I am sure have questioned how sick I really was and how bad my cancer was (I was SICK...and it was BAD...it's one that KILLS....I got LUCKY)

9 months ago my beloved gynocologist had to tell me that I had cancer...I still remember her saying the words and the strangely numb feeling I had...like she was talking to someone else...like it was not me that she was saying it to...like I was in a dream or watching a tv show.

No one goes through life waiting to hear the words "you have cancer" but some of us sadly will hear it.

I fully believe that I got through it like I did because of a  few things:
1) I had the best doctors in the world
2) I kept my hair (so I didn't look sick)
3) I decided from day one that it wouldn't own me...I would own it
4) I decided from day one that I would be a survivor and never called myself a victim
5) I had the best support anyone could have from my family and friends

And now I am done...

I am SO ready to move on with my life...

I am so ready to return to work and see my students and watch the magic they do on the stage...

I am so ready to further my yoga practice and continue my love of spinning...

I am so ready to go out to dinner and lunch and to parties and gatherings and feel social again...

I am so ready to meet a wonderful man who will go do fun things with me and will understand that I have been forged in fire so I am different from other women...

I am so ready for my kids to feel confident that they won't lose their mother

I am so ready to lose some of this weight and fit back into my cute clothes (I want to burn all the things I wore last spring when I felt bad)

I am so ready to hear my doctors tell me that my cancer is indeed gone...

and I am so ready to not talk so much about my cancer unless it is to help someone...

I feel terrified and exhilarated all at once.

I am terrified that if I don't see a doctor all the time that things will be happening to my body that will take my wellness away...and I am exhilarated that I am free to go on with my life.

I have so many many feelings...

I am sure many of you have battled something hard and/or terrifying in your life.

It doesn't have to just be cancer.

It could be getting out of a bad relationship.
It could be caring for your elderly parents and having to make decisions that are very very difficult.
It could be taking care of a sick child or loved one.
It could be changing careers.
It could be just facing life.

No one gets a smooth easy ride through life.

We all have mountains to climb, valleys to go through, and sometimes life can feel like you are swimming in shark infested waters in the dark with a strong current and no land in sight.

When I first found out I had cancer I told GOTTESS that I felt like I was on a tightrope between two very high mountains.  It was too far to just jump down.  I had to cross the rope.  I couldn't turn back because I could fall and that it wasn't an option.  I had to go forward. On the tightrope (I am terrified of heights).  I had to do it slowly and carefully.  I knew that there was help on the other side but I just had to get there.

I crossed the tightrope.

You can too---whatever that tightrope is.

And on the other side you will find solid ground.

The ground is below me...and my doctors and friends and loved ones are beside me and I am not alone on the tightrope anymore.

And I just might leap off the cliff and see where I end up landing...and maybe on the way down I will find something awesome at the bottom of it all...

and I will find my life...

and, thanks to fabulous doctors, God, great medicine, lots of love from friends and family and great faith---I have a life to live.

I get to LIVE...

I am no longer a cancer patient...

I get to call myself a badass warrior princess who kicked cancer in the ass....

I get to be my own Wonder Woman (and I sure want the invisible plane and the nifty bracelets)

I am forged in fire and I am now shiny and new...and stronger than I was when I went into the fire.

I am a survivor...

I won...

Inspiration Song: "Feels" by Calvin Harris, Pharell Williams and Katy Perry.  Because whenever it is on I get all the feels and I can't help but dance around and feel happy...

Bye Darlings...I'm gonna be ok and whatever YOU are going through you will be ok too...just remember that it's ok to be afraid...just don't let it overwhelm you...



Thursday, July 13, 2017

Burnin' For You

Hi Darlings...

It's been forever and a day since I blogged...

Well not quite forever but at least 5 months or so.

So much has happened:

I finished chemo
I managed to be the #hotmess patient of the year in the infusion center (that is for another blog)
I costumed our musical
Our musical got nominated as one of the 8 best high school musicals in Houston
My girls and I got nominated for best costumes for our musical
We got to perform on the Hobby Stage for the Tommy Tune Awards
My fabulous daughter graduated from college
My son finished his freshman year at TAMU

and...

it turns out my type of uterine cancer is particularly vicious and nasty so I had to start radiation...

So basically I get nuclear stuff aimed at my body every M-F...

I had high hopes that the radiation (or rads as I like to call them) would not be necessary.  Dr. Rockstar scooped up as much cancer as she could and then she and the infusion team poisoned the rest out of me.

But since I have the nasty kind of cancer that likes to return and kill you she felt I needed to see a radiology oncologist and make sure we did all we could to be sure it stayed far far away from me.

Enter Dr. Angel...

KuteKaren came with me to meet Dr. Angel.

In walks a sweet quiet man and despite his sweet demeanor he managed to knock me on my booty because he told me some things about my cancer that I did not know...

I had been warned by my Internist not to Google my cancer...one night in a weak moment I did but I didn't get far.

Bless his heart he didn't know I didn't know some things...

like...

the survival rate for my particular cancer is 10 years.

Um....

damn...

I burst into tears...

KuteKaren started to cry...

He got flustered

the nurse holds me...

and then KuteKaren once again says the words of strength she always says when I need it:

"You are a magical unicorn and you do not fit into any box.  You are not normal.  You will not be average.  You will live."

Poor Dr. Angel...

I left there a confused hot mess...

But after a long chat with Dr. Rockstar I saw that I had no choice but to turn my care over to Dr. Angel and let him make sure that my nasty cancer was vanquished.

And as it turns out he's kind of a badass himself despite his sweet, shy quiet demeanor...like head of department and stuff...

So I am now in the hands of Dr. Angel and his awesome staff...

Let me tell you a little something about uterine cancer---you lose all your dignity...

every day I have to lay down on a hard table with a full bladder with my naked backside completely uncovered while this machine whirs and spins around me...

and most of the radiation techs are men...

good times people...good times...

ok so now that I have completely bored you all to death you have to be wondering what has propelled me to blog after all this time and surely it can't be a description of my adventures in getting nuclear poison shot into me...

And there is...

because while I lay there on that table while Dr. Angel's fancy big machine does it's thing I have a lot of time to pray...and think...

And mostly I think about how blessed I am...

I am blessed to have health insurance
I am blessed to live in Houston with the best medical care of any city
I am blessed to have found Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel
I am blessed that Dr. Gorgeous found my cancer and made sure I was in good hands
I am blessed that my Aunt Jane has been my partner in all of this
I am blessed that my children have been so loving and supportive
I am blessed that I still have my hair thanks to cold capping
I am blessed that I started bleeding so that Dr. Gorgeous could find the cancer
I am blessed that God opened my heart and eyes and brain to listen to my doctors
I am blessed that the chemo did its job
I am blessed that I was barely sick during chemo...just tired
I am blessed that despite what a pain in the neck it is to drive to the Med Center everyday---I can
and

I am blessed to be alive

I spent most of last spring feeling sorry for myself...

I had so many pity parties I should be a professional Pity Party Planner...

I kept thinking about all the things I was missing out on...things I didn't have...and what was missing from my life because of cancer...

I was mad that I was doing this alone...that I didn't have a love and a partner to support me through this...

I was furious at the weight I gained and that I didn't have the energy and strength to do something about it...

But then I got to feeling better...

and I got stronger....

and I realized that I DID have partners---my aunt Jane, KuteKaren, TwirlerGirl, Wonder Woman (who also kicked cancer in the ass), my "mamas" Shari and Jo, Pretty Phyllis, JayVee, and all of my wonderful friends...

And I started feeling well enough to return to my beloved Revolution Studios to spin my heart out and FINALLY get back to yoga...

And my internist helped me with a few changes in my diet and offered to help me with my weight loss by having me come in weekly to weigh in and check my progress...

And I began to see not what I was missing...

BUT WHAT I HAVE

And to not be so scared of what MIGHT happen and start to be grateful for what WAS happening...

Each day when I lay down on that table I pray...

I start my prayers with prayers for others---those who have asked for prayers and those I know need praying over...and for all the other patients in the building...

why do I start with others?

Because I am the kind of person that despite what the flight attendant says---I am always going to put the oxygen mask on my loved one first before putting on my own...

And I believe that I should lay the needs of others at His feet before I ask for my own...

after my prayers for others I thank Him for my blessings...for my doctors and the staff...for my ability to be treated and that my cancer was found...

and then I THANK HIM for the cancer...

because I have learned more about life from this damn cancer than just about anything else in my life (other than parenting...I've learned a lot from raising two humans).

I THANK HIM because I KNOW that He will use me and my cancer to help others...

maybe it's to get someone to the doctor...

or to spread the word about cold capping to save your hair during chemo...

or to learn more about uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...

or maybe it's just to teach me to be humble and grateful.

I don't know why He is using me but I believe He is...

or maybe it's just so I can understand the meaning of a blessing...

I never thought I would get cancer but I did...

and I never thought I would consider it a blessing but I do...

because what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and we learn more from our trials than from out successes...

So the next time you are looking at something that scares you...or feels like you are being punished instead of rewarded try looking at it as a blessing...a chance to learn or grow...

some things are harder to overcome than others but I can tell you that from now on I am going to make a lot more lemonade out of the lemons I am handed in life...

Blessings are where you least expect them sometimes and I know that I am on a path of blessings...

The path is rough...it's full of holes and rocks and steep passages and I can't see but a few feet in front of me but hell I am on a path and I will keep going as long as my legs will carry me...

And tomorrow I will climb onto that table and have radiation poured into my body and I will thank the Lord I am on that table and will pray for my friends and count my blessings...

Inspiration Song: Burnin for You by Blue Oyster Cult...because each day I lay down on that table I am burnin away that cancer...

Bye Darlings...sorry for the boring blog but it gives you an update...and remember to count your blessings...it makes for a happier life...