Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Let it Go

Hello Darlings

Wow once again I let my blogging get shoved to the side of my life...

but...

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!

And here you sit reading this and think:

"glad she's back but oh lordy she has used the cheesiest song for her blog title...come on couldn't she come up with something...ANYTHING else?"

And now you have the song as an earworm in your head and you can't stop singing (in your head):

LET IT GO
LET IT GO
CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE

(and if you have seen the movie your mind instantly tries to erase it and you end up with "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" I can pretty much guarantee I won't ever use that song title but then again we may have the freaky once-a-decade snow here and have to use it...)

But try as a may for what I want to say today, Let it Go is the appropriate thing...

because lately I have been learning about letting it go and sometimes it is easy and sometimes...

it sucks...

and sometimes you just have to get over yourself...

I use this blog as therapy and a way to work out my issues so today I need to get over myself and talk to myself about something and you my friends are along for the ride.

In the last few years I have let go of a lot of things...

some were easy:
my fat clothes
my old suburban
my extra skin from being fat
having a middle school girl

some took more effort to let go of:
over 100 lbs of fat
chicken fried steak
some of my mother's things
a lot of the "stuff" that I kept over the years but didn't need

some of my letting go required a lot of thought but were not hard to do:
my marriage

and some were hard to let go of:
my old house
my daughter when she went to college
my son being with me every night
my Siamese cat (who now lives with my ex)
my trainer when he moved away (I still miss you Coach Dimples)

Getting divorced meant a lot of changes for me and my kids...I did my best to keep things "normal" for them and to not disrupt their lives too much at one time. 

I stayed in my house for a few more years so my kids could still have "their home".  I wanted them to feel like they still had their place even if their dad wasn't there.

I've gotten used to being a third wheel at things...the "extra"...KuteKaren and RoyBoy babysit me a lot and have me tag along for dinner (thank you precious friends you are lifesavers) and poor D'nice ends up being my date for things a lot (thank you precious friend for being a lifesaver) as does Twirler Girl (thank you my precious friend for being a lifesaver)...it's just part of being single to be the one at the party who is alone

I've been ok at being a third wheel but I have learned a few things like the fact I don't like going to fancy parties with dancing etc by myself...it's uncomfortable for me when everyone is slow dancing with their loved one and I'm twiddling my thumbs at the table...it leads to trouble...it leads to too much vodka consumption.  (my experience at the Bacchus ball in NOLA taught me that)

So I just roll along and I go to what I am comfortable going to and I take a pass and snuggle up with the cats and watch pay per view on those nights that I am better off at home...I have let go of having to be a social butterfly...

I've let go of the desire to have the body of a Sports Illustrated cover model. 

I don't have the genetics for it.  But I can have a strong and healthy body and that I won't let go of (and don't tell anyone but I did eat a few corn tortillas (not fried) with the tacos I made tonight...shsssshhh...our secret) but I try my best and I have let go of punishing myself for eating some bad stuff...

oh...I am supposed to let go of that...the food stuff punishment....

ok:  I ATE CORN TORTILLAS AND TACOS TONIGHT! 

so there...

that was shouted...

I have let go of the thought that prince charming (who drives a big ass truck and has blue eyes) is waiting around the corner for me...I've been alone for almost 4 years now...but who knows someday it might happen but right now I don't feel proactive enough about it to seek it out...but I did sorta hope by now that some dude would at least think I was fun...sigh...

and today I had to let go of one of the last of my "I can still live like I did when I was married" things in my life...I let go of my private club membership.

That one goes in the "hard" column...because I love the club and my friends and most especially I love JayVee and her spin class.

But it was time to move on and save myself some serious money because those dues were not cheap.  And we never went there as a family.  And all that I ever did there was go to spin class. It's a nice club with a fitness center, dining options (and a bar) and great pools.  Not once did I visit the pool this summer and single women are not exactly welcome at the bar (although single men are) so I didn't socialize there much.

I have been considering retiring my membership for a year and lucky for me JayVee introduced me to Revolution Studio so I would have a place to spin.  KuteKim, Marvelous Mel, Sunshine Sydney, Jen the Amazing, Sweet Charisse, and Queen B Bertha have proven to be incredible instructors and I totally love the vibe of the place and what it offers to me...a place to workout my mind and my soul...I love it...I am drinking the kool-aid and happy to pass it around to others...

So once I knew I would have a place to keep my fitness up I took a deep breath and called the membership director and told her that this single mom of 2 needed a pay raise and my club dues were going to be that raise.

I have so many friends that belong to the club...and I have girls I truly love that I spin with and have fun with in class...so letting go was super hard...

And today, when I took that last spin class there I cried through it...I couldn't look at JayVee...I sobbed through songs...I cried after class...I hugged my friends and felt their love...many of them have been with me through my journey to lose weight and become fit...they watched me do it...they cheered me on from the sidelines...they prayed for me when I had surgery...they kept me going at times I didn't think I could tap back even one more time (that's a spin term!)...

but life is a journey and sometimes we need a new path so today I left one road and will stay on another one that also inspires me and keeps me fit...

it was a great class and they will continue to have fun and get a great workout and so will I...and maybe they will let me come on a guest pass every once in a while...

After class today I talked to a friend who was struggling with how to handle some family issues.  Her child is getting married and her ex-husband is being...well...he's being an ass...there is no other word for it.  And there is a brother-in-law issue...but really what all is involved is not for this blog

but I told her to let it go...let the wedding heal things...let it be the best day for her child...

We all have things to let go of...

I haven't done anything particularly inspiring or special...

I'm just on my journey...

But remember my friend Beauty?  From "The Warrior" blog?

She did some letting go that blew me away and when I start to feel sorry for myself I remember her and all the things she is letting go of so she can fight her cancer. 

This Saturday at Revolution they are having special spin classes in honor of Bright Pink to help women with Breast and Ovarian cancer (www.brightpink.org).  I wanted to do that ride but I have a previous commitment...but I am going to donate in honor of Beauty and in honor of my friend Wonder Woman (who kicked ovarian cancer in the ass).

Beauty has had to let go of so much...but she keeps fighting.  She writes a wonderful blog on her Caring Bridge page and the day I read about her cutting off her own hair...well that my friends is some pretty mighty letting go.  She blew me away with her strength and fearlessness.  And she shared it with us...

She's a gifted writer and an inspiration...I asked her and she gave me permission to post a link to her page....and this is the one about the hair...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elizabethkanarellis/journal/view/id/53ed2446a589b449752d8174

read all of her stuff...you will laugh, you will cry, you will be inspired...even if you don't know her...

and yes that is her at the top of the page and her hubba hubba hubby...gorgeous creatures both of them but trust me the real beauty is inside of them...

read her words...let her inspire you to be strong..to let go...the minute I finished my class and went into the locker room to change and was feeling sorry for myself and started to dry my long hair I thought of her...and how she let go of her hair and I was crying because I had to give up a club membership...

I took a breath

and let go...

Inspiration Song: "Let it Go" sung by Idina Menzel from the movie "Frozen"...actually I hated this song until I finally saw the movie and now I GET it...it's a powerful song of acceptance and letting go of the things that hold you back. I am trying to do that...

Bye Darlings: if you have something that is holding you back...or something you need to feel power over (like not letting cancer take your hair but YOU take your hair) then sing this song and LET IT GO...