Monday, April 29, 2013

Lime in the Coconut

Disclaimer #1:  I started writing this blog while  I was teaching 6th grade math (and yes I use the term "teaching" very loosely because it is really high level babysitting and just to reassure those of you who may have had a child in "my" class that day---I totally had a cheat sheet so no lasting permanent math damage was done and when your child misses a math question on the SAT please don't blame me although it would be a convenient excuse and I make a good target). (Note from Anice after she has finished teaching: NO ACTUAL HARM WAS DONE TO ANY ACTUAL CHILDREN but I can't say that they will all be the same after my attempt at algebra...) But that's not the "disclaimer" part here ...what is the disclaimer is that I am trying to type this blog on my iPad...heaven help us all for what autocorrect might do to this...

Disclaimer #2....I am heavily under the influence of the humor and writing style of my new heroine---Jenny Lawson.  She is a blogger and columnist for the Houston Chronicle...but more importantly she wrote a book that I am insanely in love with ---"Let's Pretend this Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)".  RoyBoy turned me on to her blog and I read it for a minute and promptly went on Amazon to download the book.  Buy.This.Book.  It's damn funny.  She makes me look like the total amateur humorist I am.  She's brilliant.  She's hilarious.  I totally plan to stalk her and send her notes if I can figure out how to find her.  I plan to make her my new "other" best friend...I'd never drop my old besties in favor of a new one but I do want to add her to my collection.  And in homage to her this blog will have...chapters!  Her chapter titles alone make me laugh out loud.

Disclaimer #3....unlike the above memoir things in this blog are totally true and not "mostly" true.  Therefore names have been changed to blog names to protect the innocent.  You will already be familiar with some of the characters (GOTTESS chief among them).  We did nothing wrong or that could get us arrested and the alcohol level was far below that of what it was when we went to Mardi Gras but all the same I like to protect my peeps...you never know who might Google up your name and what they will see and heaven forbid it is my blog...

Disclaimer #4...this is a long blog...as I start this I realize I may have to break it up...so pull up a chair and pour yourself a beverage of choice (I would go with "wine" or "dirty martini" but it might be morning when you read this and "coffee" or "diet coke" are your best options)....in any case you have been warned that this is a long one so you better go and pee now...

So without further delay...let's get this party started...

LIME IN THE COCONUT

Preface:

So I'm sure your first question is "what the hell is this blog about if she is calling it Lime in the Coconut and it's about a trip to Arizona with 5 other women"?...

The answer will be revealed in due time...there's your answer..sorta...

I have a reason...not a very GOOD reason but a reason nonetheless

Besides, you are sitting here wasting your time reading this so you know you want to find out, right?

And while doing so you are secretly singing the song to yourself (and if you don't know this song you are too young to be reading this blog...) and thinking of the movie "Practical Magic" and wondering if somehow I am going to say something about making magical midnight margaritas here...even though there are no coconuts in good margaritas...but yes, there is lime..

And yes I know that Arizona is a dry desert (boy do my lips and skin know that) and not a tropical place but believe it or not there were actual limes and coconut (water) involved...

Chapter 1: WHY GOTTESS IS NOT JUST MY SISTER WIFE BUT ALSO THE BEST TRAVEL PLANNER....

So a few months ago GOTTESS sends out an email and basically says that she has found a fabulous resort in Arizona and has booked a casa at it and we should all go.  6 of us booked the trip and put ourselves into her wise and wonderful hands...

Because you see, when GOTTESS plans a trip, well you just gotta go...

So it was me, GOTTESS, Susu (you remember her from such blogs as "Last Friday Night" and (shudder) "Mardi Gras  Day", KuteKerry (ok I will admit she is "Friend 6" from "Mardi Gras Day"), DarlingD (I wasn't sure how to handle her name since it is sorta distinctive so I'm shortening it to "D"), and KuteKatie who constituted our little party of 6.

DarlingD was already out in Phoenix so she wasn't on the long-ass plane ride with us (I know you are wondering how a flight to Phoenix can last so long but it did...answer to follow) so the rest of us took a flight leaving about 9:30 on Thursday morning.  I picked up KuteKatie at 7:15 and we got to the airport in plenty of time for us to chill in the President's Club before getting on the plane (and that might be the only time I have been in the Pres Club and NOT had a Bloody Mary).

So onto the plane we went (and at this point you are really happy this is a blog and not a book where you might actually have to pay for things like these super short chapters)

Chapter 2: YOUR HANDBAG IS BETTER THAN MINE AND YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND AND IF I HAVE TO BE STUCK ON A PLANE FOR 4 HOURS I AM GLAD IT IS YOU

So I am by myself on the plane...so is KuteKatie.  GOTTESS, SuSu and KuteKerry managed to have seats together...I was only 2 rows behind.

I'm sitting there and then I see this guy...white jacket, gorgeous scarf, fabulous jewelry, and a Michael Kors handbag TO DIE FOR.  Very nice looking man.  Great jewelry.

I started praying "please let him sit next to me because the only way this flight is gonna be fun is if I am next to someone who IS fun"

wish granted

(And I should note that when GOTTESS saw him she prayed the same thing for me...my sister wife knows me all too well...she knows I love FAB and this guy was screaming FAB with that handbag)

he plops next to me in the middle seat...I'm by the window

5 minutes into it we have introduced ourselves to each other and I know he has been up for hours upon hours and is traveling to a family funeral and his flights had gotten waaaaay screwed up.  And for blog purposes Mr. Fabulous shall now be known as TonyFab.

I promptly offer to change seats with him as soon as we are allowed to do so without risk of being shot...I wish I had video of it because:
1) I am still amazed I fit into a plane seat much less not need an extender
and
2) the fact that I scampered from one seat to the next without tilting the plane is pretty much a miracle because if that plane had been a pinball machine "TILT" would have occurred...
and
3)we managed to not disrupt the other passengers...miracle

10 minutes in I learn that he has been with his husband for 20 years and he knows I am divorced and the mother of the amazing Ke$ha Barbie and the incredible The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW). I know he is a realtor in Kansas and he knows I once weighed 300 pounds and went on Oprah.

We switch seats and he dozes and I start to read my hysterical book (promise me...if you even sorta like my blog you will LOVE "Let's Pretend this Never Happened").  When the flight attendants finally make it back to us TonyFab says he is buying me a drink for letting him have the window seat.

I promptly order the Bloody Mary I so missed having in the President's Club...

thank you my darling TonyFab

We spend the rest of the flight gabbing and enjoying each other's company.  GOTTESS stops by for a hello. The poor fellow next to me has tried to chime in on our conversation but frankly when you have found a new best friend a 3rd wheel is not welcome...

So it takes 4 hours to get to Phoenix because of the storm...not 4 hours with the time change but 4 actual hours in flight (it only took 2 hours 5 minutes to get home).  Thank goodness I had TonyFab with me.

We deplane and I introduce him to the girls and I sadly say goodbye to a man I dearly wish lived here in Houston so he could be my gay husband (if his own didn't mind)...I really need one for those times you need a date but don't WANT a date...and my son doesn't always cooperate...and I know that TonyFab would make sure I had fun and looked...well...FAB!

So TonyFab, if you read this darling...you have a friend for life here in Houston...kisses my darling!

Chapter 3: SIX WOMEN, 7 SUITCASES AND A SUBURBAN

So at this point I think I have failed to mention that I took not one but 2 suitcases with me...a tote and a huge ass suitcase...like enormous...like I worry every time I travel that it will be over the weight limit...like I know there are people who go to Europe for a month with a smaller bag than this...it borders on being a trunk.  Part of the reason is that I have to travel with my pillow.  And it's a temperpedic so it's big.

The other girls all have nice little carry on sized bags...but not me!  I'm the oldest of the bunch but certainly not the wisest when it comes to packing.  These gals work and travel a good bit for their jobs so they know how to pack.

But I need a helluva lot of crap to be "me" so I have a helluva big suitcase.

The girls laughed their heads off at it...I deserved it...but being me, I needed my stuff...

and my pillow...

and 4 maxi dresses (yes, we were only there 3 nights) and all my workout clothes plus other clothes plus another dress plus my rollers plus all my beauty products (basically a Sephora store) plus 2 pairs of athletic shoes...plus...well, you get the picture...

So we say goodbye to TonyFab and head to the rental cars...GOTTESS has wisely booked us an SUV and we super-sized it and got the suburban.

GOTTESS has never driven a suburban before.

GOTTESS drives a sedan.

I am the only member of our party who has driven a suburban but because GOTTESS rented the car, she had to chauffeur us...

and she did a dandy fine job of it...I think before it is all said and done she might just come over to the dark side and want a suburban for herself...

We heard on into the car and away we go...first stop food and then on to Sedona...

Chapter 4: MY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION LEVEL IS BEGINNING TO DROP AND SO YOU BETTER FIND A PLACE TO EAT THAT SERVES BEER

We end up at...Chili's...

Actually it wasn't a bad choice at all.

They had beer.

I opted for a Blue Moon.

It had been a hell of a week starting with me subbing for 6th grade Math (yes, today was not my first time at that rodeo) and Ke$ha Barbie being in Boston in college for the bombings and me worrying that she was in class in the city...thankfully she was safe in Medford when the bombings occurred.

Only one other member of our party joined me and she shall remain nameless to protect her innocence but I will confirm it was NOT GOTTESS as she was driving...

I had a burger (it was good) and a second beer (I was NOT driving).

KuteKerry had started the morning off not feeling well so she perked up after some chicken and everyone happily scarfed down lunch and as I looked around the table at the 5 women I was with I can honestly say I couldn't have been happier to be in their company...and I knew we were in for a good time.

Chapter 5: SIX WOMEN AND ONE SHOPPING CART AND 8 OR WAS IT 10 BOTTLES OF WINE

We herd back into the car and head down the road to Sedona.

Our ears pop

We exclaim at the beauty we see before us

We discuss spin class and songs on the radio and why we love Bruno Mars and the lead singer from the group "Fun"...

We discuss many things....many many things...hell there were 6 women in the car...I think we could have solved pretty much any issue if you had presented it to us...if we had tried I think we could have solved the budget crisis and poverty...

We get to Sedona and hit the Safeway right away.

If you think shopping without a list is confusing...try being 6 women with one cart trying to organize what we THINK we might want (we knew we had a kitchen but just how stocked it was remained to be seen).

We did know we wanted wine

and fruit

and other stuff

and somehow we only ended up with one bag of pita chips

now that was our first mistake...because you can't have 6 women on a trip and have only one bag of pita chips...

(I would also like to note that in Arizona you can buy hard liquor at the grocery store....awesome)

But we managed to round up what we think we wanted/needed and headed on out to the resort...

Chapter 6: THERE'S A DEER IN MY BACKYARD...YES, A REAL LIVE DEER...MAKE THAT A FEW REAL LIVE DEER...

We get to the resort and are blown away...it's gorgeous.

The call it "Enchantment" for a reason (look it up...Enchantment Resort in Sedona).

Totally.Totally.Gorgeous.

GOTTESS had wisely booked us a casa which consisted of one bedroom with 2 queen beds, 2 huge full bathrooms, a huge living room with 2 murphy beds (queen sized), 2 fireplaces, a full kitchen, and a patio...

where the deer were playing right outside...

oh and no antelope...(please say you "get" this..."where the deer and the antelope play....")

but despite no antelope it was...

heaven

enchantment

yup...I drank the Kool Aid and I want more...actually I drank the cucumber water and the prickly pear lemonade but never mind...you know what I mean...

Me and my big ass suitcase were very happy there...

This is what we saw from our patio:



They took us on a tour and we "ooh'd and aaah'd" our way through it and once settled in the casa we saw the deer in the "back yard" and decided that we needed to open the wine and crack open the pita chips and have happy hour on the deck.

Which we did

And yes, the bag of pita chips was pretty much destroyed at that point.

A few girls left to check out the spa and the rest of us remained to drink more wine and I showed them the video of the Wisdom Tooth Murderer on YouTube.

(If you have not seen the Wisdom Tooth Murderer look it up...I promise you will love me for it...If I could figure out how to post a link here I would...because it is literally the funniest thing I have seen in ages...just click on the photo of the girl who looks like she has a giant diaper on her head...I promise you that you will be happy you did).

The spa spy girls returned and we elected to head to the bar (it was outside) for sunset...

Chapter 7: SUNSET WITH THE GOLDEN GIRLS (AND YES I AM FULLY AWARE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A "BEACHES" TYPE BOOK TITLE)

So off to the fabulous outdoor bar we go...and we run smack into...ourselves in 20 years...

not kidding

except there were only 5 of them...

but they were a group of women who traveled together and were friends...

they loved us...we loved them...

of course 2 of them were Pi Phi's like me so it was truly a love match...

they were adorable...I wish I had their names...I bet they are on Facebook...

I lurved them...like I wanted to just sit there and soak up their awesomeness...but it was cold and we needed seats by a flame

you know...one of those flame things for outside to keep you warm?  yeah...one of those...

KuteKatie ordered the Prickly Pear Margarita...

it came highly recommended

I highly recommend you don't order it...

all 6 of us tasted it and even KuteKatie (who is one of the nicest girls you will ever meet) sent it back.

I pretty much "ooked" out the group by ordering steak tartare...SuSu at some with me but the raw meat was pretty much mine and it was awesome.  

We had a few other appetizers and a round of drink and the sun went down and we decided that the only logical thing to do was to go...

Chapter 8: HOT TUB TIME (MACHINE)

yeah...we went to the hot tub...at the spa...

The Mii Amo spa at the Enchantment Resort is the bomb...and we descended upon it like the fun craving girls we are...

First we got into the indoor hot tub in the ladies locker room...well actually GOTTESS and I tried out the dry sauna and then joined the other girls in the hot tub...but we noticed that SuSu and DarlingD weren't with us and we found them outside in the outdoor hot tub...sipping wine mind you...

(this was only after we sorta managed to chase off some poor woman who was doubtless trying to forget the fact that she had kids...and a hubby...and friends...with the peace and love of the hot tub...but then we came along and partied her right outta there).

GOTTESS and I sipped our hot tea and our group was happily bubbling away and then we were joined by some guy named John (who was quite good looking but sadly married) who had probably had not just a little more wine than us but A LOT more wine than us.  I bet his wife was happy we entertained him.

Anyway after some hot tub time (machine...I'm sorry...I saw that movie and thought it was funny as hell...and the whole time I was in the hot tub I was sorta hoping the clock would turn back for me and I would find my 20 year old self in the hot tub) we headed back to the casa and got ready for bed.

Chapter 9: WTF? WHAT THE HELL? WHY IS MY EMAIL SO FULL OF MESSAGES ABOUT BOSTON? I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING AND WHAT IS GOING ON? I'M SOOOOOOO CONFUSED...I JUST WOKE UP....

ok, so that is the longest chapter title ever....but literally that is how I felt when I woke up Friday morning.

I was sharing a bed with GOTTESS (as good sister wives do) and I checked my email quickly only to find an email from the president of Ke$ha Barbie's school and some other emails from concerned friends...

GOTTESS, being the excellent sister wife she is, notices my concern and we get on my iPad to see what the hell is going on...

yeah...BOSTON

Ke$ha Barbie in school in Boston.  Medford to be precise but she goes into Boston for her art classes.

Medford is next to Cambridge which is next to what is apparently the place where the idiots who bombed the Boston Marathon were having a gun fight with the police.

GOTTESS and I try to see, via my iPad, what the hell is going on...we accidentally turn a video on and then become completely stupid trying to shut it down lest we wake up KuteKerry and KuteKatie who are blissfully sleeping in the next bed unaware that my daughter is in the vicinity of mass murderers...

(ok, so that is a slight exaggeration but they were close enough that the campus got shut down and they asked the kids to stay in their dorms except for eating in the dining hall and classes were cancelled)

We quiet the iPad and get up and find that SuSu and DarlingD are up so we can turn the tv on and I can find out if I need to go into "Mom is in total panic mode" or not...

Thankfully "not" was the answer...

Ke$ha Barbie was easily reached by phone and informed me she was safe in her dorm room and would remain there with her boyfriend (who has waaaaaay more sense than her) until meal time or the "all clear" was sounded.

I stopped hyperventilating at that moment until she tells me that it is "Jumbo Days" there and that the newly accepted students were on campus to check things out...

I guess they checked out what happens when a terrorist is loose...

(As an aside here and in all seriousness...the university did an excellent job keeping the kids safe and my daughter was not in danger Friday nor was she on Monday when the bombs went off...and my heart is broken for the victims of this horrible tragedy and believe me when I say I pray for the people affected by this...the city of Boston...and I thank the sweet Lord for keeping my daughter out of harms way)

but really there is nothing quite like waking up to find out that your daughter is in some sort of danger and everyone knows it but you...

So once I could breathe again I was happy to dress for the next terrorizing part of my day:

THE PINK JEEP TOUR

which leads us to...

Chapter 10: IT'S ONLY A 30 DEGREE ANGLE EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE 90...

Part of GOTTESS' awesome "tour guide-ness" was to book some fun things for us to do...

The Pink Jeep Tour was one of them...

It's a wild ride...

in a pink jeep...

over rocky terrain...

Good advice: go to the potty first

even better good advice: don't drink a lot of liquids before the tour either

We got picked up by the Pink Jeep Tour company...in a pink jeep no less...and driven into Sedona.

GOTTESS managed to look like the Unibomber in her hoodie and glasses but she was beautiful nonetheless...GOTTESS is always beautiful..even when she is looking like a crazy person who lives in the wilderness and writes manifestos...

anyway....

we get to town and get organized for our trip.

We get our own jeep...with one extra passenger...

thank the sweet Lord she was a sweet, kind, fun, patient woman...named Ann (she will never read this so no blog name) and thankfully she was familiar with iPhone photography....

Our driver, I-can't-remember-his-name, was fun and funny...I think I better just call him "Driver"...

anyway....

we get into his jeep and off we go...

I'm so happy with the color of the jeep that the rest really didn't matter.

We begin to ride over rough terrain and seeing GORGEOUS scenery.

It was fun...we stop and take photos...

like this...



because you can't have enough photos of yourself jumping...

More...







We take a lot of photos and soak up the scenery and the total geek in me is loving that there is a tree that looks like a "Godswood" tree from "Game of Thrones" (if you ever want to discuss that show please let me know because I am addicted...like I can spend hours talking about how amazing Peter Dinklage is and how much I love the show...)

Part of the ride was to go down this 30 degree incline...which doesn't sound like much until you are in the jeep and actually doing it...here is a photo of a jeep doing it (not ours...come on...I take good photos but I am NOT magic...)


And then our driver had one more little "let's see how much these girls can scream" inclines to drive down:


The tour was fun and my photos don't begin to do it justice...

We headed back to the resort for a little pool time and some spa time...

Chapter 11: YOU DON'T NEED UMBRELLAS TO HAVE A GREAT DRINK BY THE POOL TO RELAX...AND A MASSEUSE NAMED VICTOR DOESN'T HURT EITHER...

This is the pool:


Yeah, right now I know you are feeling really bad for us that this is what we had to look at as we lounged by the pool and sipped drinks...

I was continuing to get emails updating me on what was going on with Ke$ha Barbie's school...and it wasn't helping me to relax...

So when I headed in to my massage with the Amazing Victor I was a ball of tense...but since it was an aromatherapy massage I got to pick my "mood" and the oils...so I went with "I feel Blessed...I feel Loved" and ended up with a delicious blend of rose, geranium, and frankincense...how do you spell that word?  You know it's one of the things the Magi brought the Baby Jesus...and it smells marvelous...

anyhoo...

He gave me a fabulous massage and it didn't hurt one bit that he was really cute and very sweet...

and afterwards I found out that the Boston Bombing suspect had been caught and when I called Ke$ha Barbie to ask her about it she says...

drumroll please...

"Oh Good! I can go shopping tomorrow!"

yeah...I needed ANOTHER massage after that comment...

So I just sighed to myself and headed back to the casa for a shower and a glass of wine and to get ready for dinner with the girls...

Chapter 12: WITH 3 STEAKS YOU GET A FREE MAGIC SHOW!!!!!!

After we all cleaned up and compared notes on spa treatments we headed to one of the resort restaurants to have dinner.

I naturally needed a martini (I was still stressed from the bomber...and no I don't mean GOTTESS looking like the Unabomber (or is it Unibomber? I have spelled it both ways to cover myself...) but the real bomber in Boston...) and a glass of wine...and a large very rare steak...

We had a lovely table by the fireplace (which sadly that night didn't work but whatev's....) and our waiter came and took our drink order...

First indication we were not in great "waiter hands"...SuSu ordered some bottled water which was PLOPPED in front of her...

WITHOUT A GLASS...

Um...no...

SuSu handled that quickly....and I still relish the fact I was across from her so I could see the look on her pretty face when that bottled PLOPPED down in front of her...

Dinner was good but I will admit it was not the best steak ever...but I was hungry...and the smoked mashed potatoes were the bomb.com....

We had a really lovely time just enjoying each others company and when the waiter presented the bill he informed us that he was a magician...

yeah right...

so he comes back and says "Do you want the best 2 minute magic show ever or the best 5 minute magic show ever?"

Why take 2 when you can get 5?

So we rolled with 5...

I can't describe it all here but I will say this:

THERE WAS MORE SCREAMING AT THAT TABLE THEN THERE WAS ON THE PINK JEEP TOUR

He totally freaked us out...

And I will admit it just might be the best 5 minute magic show I ever saw...but he still wasn't a very good waiter...

You know how you say "stick to your day job?"...in his case he needs to stick to his night job...

I just don't get the feeling there is a large call for magicians in Sedona...

So after dinner we headed back to the casa for a night of sleep and since SOME of us were getting up at 4:30 we needed to get to bed...

And I will say that SOME of us did not include moi....

Because the gals getting up at 4:30 were going on a balloon ride...

which leads us to....

Chapter 13: UP UP AND AWAY IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON...EXCEPT THAT I AM STAYING ON TERRA FIRMA THANKYOUVERYMUCH

GOTTESS and SuSu and KuteKerry got up at 4:30...

And right there my friends I am leaving you with the proverbial "cliffhanger"...

That's right...

I'm stopping this blog right now...

Because my darlings you have really read enough, no?

So I think I will stop right here and I PROMISE I will finish and post the rest of this blog by...let's say...Friday?

Maybe tomorrow...

But for now I am gonna let you rest your tired eyes and finish your drink...

So in the next blog I will answer pressing questions such as:

1) So what went on during the balloon ride?

2) why didn't Anice go?

3) what happened on the rest of the trip

4) why the hell is this blog called "Lime in the Coconut"?

yes...all in due time my darlings...

Inspiration Song: "Lime in the Coconut" by Harry Nilsson...and no, I'm not explaining it JUST YET...

Bye Darlings....I'll finish my little travel tale for you very very soon I promise...pinky swear...criss cross applesauce....