Sunday, January 1, 2017

Seasons of Love

Hello Darlings!

This is one of those "off the cuff with no filter" blogs...gonna publish it without editing!  Warning...it could get crazy...

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2017...

Every year at this time I tend to blog about how I am feeling at the start of the year...and as I looked back on my previous posts I see that I mostly whined about being alone.

I already did that a few weeks ago so I think we can file the "whiny about not having a man in my life blog" away...

we don't need that again do we?

and you certainly don't want to read it...

so that's all I have to say about that (for today)...

I'm so glad 2016 is over.

Don't get me wrong---good stuff happened...

Like my son graduating from high school and going to the college of his choice.  He absolutely loves every minute of it.  He pledged a fraternity and loves that too...the kiddo is one happy man.

And my daughter is doing so well.

I look at the woman she has become and I am unbelievably proud of her.

She's beautiful and is truly her own person.

I can learn a lot from her!!!!

they are both not happy with me putting much about them on social media so that's all I have to say about them...

Bad stuff happened: friends, dear dear friends, were murdered. I can't bear to talk about it.  It is still haunting me and I miss my friend every day.  I know she and her husband are watching me from heaven and I hear her voice in my ear on the days I don't want to carry on.

That's all I have to say about  that...

And then the cancer happened in November...his name is Trump...

oops...this is not a political blog but I am pretty sure if you know me you know that man is the antithesis to all I love and believe in.

I pray each day he will not lead our country down the path he seems to be going down. I pray we can unify and that the troubles I see that have arisen since he was elected will go away.

And I dearly hope someone, anyone, will shut down his twitter account...

That's all I have to say about that...

and if my politics offend you just remember:

My Opinion
My Blog

ok so let's talk about the REAL cancer:

my cancer

ok,  maybe not...you ALL know about it...

i've discussed it ad nauseum

But I will say something that struck me the other day---I have a few friends who I have known for many many years.  We are FB and Instagram friends.  Some of them have not reached out to me at all since I was diagnosed.  I have had so many wonderful people reach out but there are these few, these ladies I have known for 20 years, that have yet to breathe a word to me.  All I can conclude is that they don't opt to follow me back on social media.  Which is perfectly fine. They are uber conservative and my leanings are---well, see above!

But it hurt my feelings because these are nice people and yet not a word.

I don't expect EVERYONE to spend all their time thinking about me, but I've known these ladies long enough to where it has become obvious that they are oblivious to my condition...or simply don't care...

and after having a good cry about it...

I unfollowed them

childish of me I know but every time I see a post they make and I "like" it and hear not a word from them I am reminded that our friendship is not what I thought it was...

and after all this revelation about that I got to really thinking about what matters and what doesn't...

does it matter that they don't seem to care?

not really...I have more than enough people who do...

but what was obvious to me is that social media does give us illusions of friendship that aren't always real.

I have found over the years that social media is great with reconnecting with old friends.

I am now quite close in real life (as opposed to social media life) with several people I hadn't seen in years.  I also stay connected to old high school friends and some of them have become quite important to me (I'm looking at you Starchild and my Twinsies and My Lamp).  Some people I knew a bit in high school are now some of the most important people in my life (Twirler Girl).

But it can flip as well.

I connected on social media with a person I did not choose to know well in high school.  This person interpreted our "friendship' as close due to social media (I was invited to her bachelorette party?!? and wedding?!?) and yet all along felt uneasy about her.  She proved her true colors.  I asked her to refrain from posting on my page after she made some comments that made real friends uncomfortable and they questioned why I was friends with such a person. A year later she blocked me.  I never felt a twinge of regret because she wasn't a REAL friend to me.

So there are both sides...and maybe to some people I am just a cyber friend (which is truly just fine) and to others I am someone to care for.

It's all very murky water...

we say "friend" but are we really friends?

Since my diagnosis I have had perfect strangers reach out to me and extend friendship.  I have several women I want to meet and plan to keep in my life.  One of them baked me a cheesecake!  One bought be a chair.  One gifted me with a basket of lovely things I can use during chemo.  But the bottom line was it wasn't the gifts---it was the gift of their time and friendship and caring that matter most.

The cheesecake will get eaten---and when I asked her what to do with the plate she said "bake something for someone!".  Now that's some pretty good sharing of love right there.

The chair will get used daily, but it was the kindness that she just DID it for a stranger that makes me feel cozy when I climb into it.

The basket of goodies will get used, but mostly I just want to sit and have tea with this wonderful lady who cared enough to want to comfort me!

Friendship is a beautiful gift we give others.

Some friends are for a lifetime and some just for a season or reason.  I have come to realize who my "season" people are and who my "lifers" are as I have been on this journey.

It's not that cancer is telling me who is and isn't my friend, it just has taught me how very valuable the gift of love and time is when we give it to others and I plan to forever spread as much love and friendship around as I can.

I won't be stingy with it...

I won't keep it from others.  Even those women who I unfollowed (I went back and changed it because I felt guilty...it won't change anything but I feel less childish).

I will share it with the world...

And I will nurture those relationships...new and old...and take time to water my garden of friends...but also carefully looking for weeds and taking them out because they are toxic.

Cancer is teaching me things...more about myself than I imagined.

It's not about my health as much as it is about LIFE.

It's showing me where I am selfish...where I am acting like a toddler...where I need to work harder....where I need to let go...

And this year I plan to cultivate a huge garden of friends....

friends who blossom at different seasons...

friends who are always there and blooming...

friends who keep growing happily with little help from me...

and those who need lots of TLC because their needs are more than mine...

some are vegetables---they nourish me

some are flowers---they add beauty to my world

some are trees---they are my strength

some are plants that we plant to nurture the soil---they are the ones who keep coming back to nurture me

and yes, some are weeds---they gotta go...

So I am gonna cultivate my garden of friendship and watch it grow....

I want acres and acres of REAL friends...those who I know I can say "help" to and they are ready to be there (like my friend I call Lamp---who even offered to drive down with his wife to comfort me when I was diagnosed and when my friends were killed---that's some good stuff people and yeah he knows I am a liberal).

How do you measure a year?  or a life?

I think it is more about what GOOD happened than bad...

more about the mistakes we made and learned from than what we succeeded at

more about how much love we shared rather than what we took in

For me 2016 was very very rough

and I hope when I write this blog in 2018  on New Year's Day that I am free of cancer, have a garden of friends, have my hair still hanging down my back, have happy children (one of who should graduate), have my kitties to love, have wonderful students to love, and maybe a man with a big ass truck who doesn't mind loving a woman who has been forged in fire...

So 2017 will be my gardening year...cultivating love all around me while I fight for my life...

I want to be an inspiration not a drain..

I want to share what I learn as I go...

I want to pay it forward...

I want to be healed and help others to heal too...

And if you are worried that you are one of the people I mentioned above...well, don't!  Because if you are reading this YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON.  If you care enough to read my drivel you are my friend...

Make 2017 a year not just in your life but one to remember...

Measure it in good things...

and for heaven's sake put 2016 behind you!!!!!

And love....just love...


Inspiration Song: "Seasons of Love" from Rent.  Because how do we measure a year?  I like the way Jonathan Larson put it in words....here they are:

Seasons of Love:

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died
It's time now to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Measure, measure your life in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Bye Darlings...measure your life in cups of coffee and tears you cried and not in your wealth  or material things...I plan to measure mine in love...



2 comments:

  1. You always seem to touch my heart at the right moment, love you Anice , Keep Smiling and Stay Strong

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