Monday, December 19, 2016

All By Myself

Hello Darlings...

you know what?

Cancer

sucks...

it really does...

Today I got to do another fun test...yet another CT scan with an iv and a big drink of contrast as my lunch...

lunch I got to finally have at 3:30...

At least this time the contrast stuff was tasteless and mixed with Crystal Light peach iced tea and not some sort of banana flavored barium "shake".

As I sat in the waiting room waiting for my lovely contrast drink to do it's magic I looked around the waiting room and I see all these people who are also waiting for some sort of test in the imaging center.

Some are doing routine stuff like mammograms, some were older and I'm sure getting some sort of scan,  but others I could tell where possibly sick like me or it was part of diagnosis.

I saw older parents and children...

and a lot of couples...

and I realized just how freaking lonely it is to go through this without a partner...

I saw several women who were there with husbands/boyfriends/partners and I sat there by myself trying not to start crying...

because I was scared

and alone

and really no friend in the world could have consoled me at that moment because it's a loneliness that a friend can't fix...

I love my friends...

but sometimes a girl needs someone who is more...

I have a lot of family and friends who support me...I am beyond blessed by the support I have

but it's in those late hours in the night when I can't sleep because I am SO DAMN SCARED that I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok...

or to wake up with me in the morning and tell me that I will get through the day and he will help me...

or to drive me to all these damn tests and things so I don't have to rely on the kindness and love of my friends to get me there because they are giving me something that makes me unable to drive myself...

or to be in the waiting room when I have a test...

or to hear what the doctor says and tell me when we got home it's ok...

or to sit with me at chemo and tell me he will love me even without hair...

I

don't

have

that...

Cancer is so hard...

but its harder still

to do

alone...

To not have a partner or love to share this journey with is incredibly lonely...

I write this blog as a way to get me thoughts, pain and fears out...

because I hate complaining to my friends about how shitty this all is...

and because no matter how brave I try to be I still cry...

i'm crying now...

it's

so

hard...

it's literally the loneliest I have felt since I left my ex

and the worst part is I have MONTHS of this to go through and I will be fighting

all

by

myself...

yes, I will have friends and loved ones but it's just not the same...

and if I make it...if I get through all of the poison they put into me and the possible radiation that might be needed...

it's in a very intimate part of my body that may not ever give me the pleasure of love again...

a love I haven't felt in so many years I can't count...

because the radiation might kill more than just the cancer there in that very intimate part of myself...

yeah...there's that lovely thing to deal with along with menopause and the real possibility of being bald...

It won't exactly make me the hottest girl in town...

except that I might be radioactive...

(that's a joke...you can laugh...I had to lighten it up because my pity party was getting heavy)

so when and if I get through this and I finally can possibly go to dinner with someone---will I even be a woman someone wants to be with?

because I am pretty sure an 73 year old guy would be happy with his 52 year old girlfriend even if she is bald and radioactive...but that's not what I want to see across the table...

I'd like a fit man who is very close to my own age who will think that I am beautiful even if I am bald...who will not care what has been taken from my body...who will not be afraid to be with a woman who has had cancer...

and that will be a very hard man to find...

and I dearly wish I had had a glimmer of that before this all happened...

I had started the year with a hope of possibly finding someone to spend time with...someone who drives a big ass truck, plays rock music on the radio and knows I like lilies...

and instead...

I

got

cancer...

you know, that was not what I put down as what I wanted on my dating profile

(I don't have a dating profile...that's another joke...no online dating for me....)

And I am actually grateful that I am NOT with my ex because frankly he would have been awful to share this with...he was not a good nurse and he was crappy with being supportive and nice...he's a nice man but when I needed him to be a nice husband he really wasn't...he's just not a warm and loving man...

I am so lucky to have the friends I have...

the sweet friends like KuteKristina who is driving me to get my port tomorrow...

or Twirler Girl and my "other mom" Shari who are tag teaming on the chemo on Friday...

and my Aunt Jane who is the best person in the world for all she has done for me...

or my friend RockinRobin who knows I love lilies and sent me the biggest bowl arrangement of them...

or KuteKaren who sent glittered lilies (yes, they had glitter)...

and my "sister wife" GOTTESS who came with things I needed and her support that keeps me breathing...

or PrettyPhyllis who brought me pampering things...and a beautiful note that is by my bed...

and NursePhyllis (who is also pretty but that name is for my other Phyllis) who brought me a cooling pillow that makes my nights easier...because she knows the beast of night sweats...

or JayVee who had a cup made for me to keep me going...and so I would keep drinking water...

or CuteCourtney who brought me things that only a woman who has had chemo would know I need...

and Wonder Woman who has been my rock of support...

And Hot Tamale who is organizing a lunch with some of my favorite people so I can see their faces before I face the demon of chemo...

and all my sweet friends who have offered help, bring food, drive me, keep me company, etc...

I truly truly truly appreciate all of it...

It means everything to me...

and I am blessed to have you since I don't have a partner to lean on...

and I CAN'T burden my children with all of this...they are scared enough as it is without me having to depend on them to take care of me...I need to use what little strength I have to take care of them.  They are terrified I am going to die and I won't let them suffer...

So despite being alone through this I am not truly alone thanks to my friends and family...

but it would be lovely to have a sweet man who knows that when I cry I like to be wrapped in his arms...

So I am not alone but I am...

and this weekend I am going to ask of all of you to actually let me be alone...

this will be my first round of chemo...

I don't know how it will feel...

but please, from the core of my being I beg this of you:

DO NOT CALL
DO NOT TEXT
DO NOT PM ME VIA FACEBOOK
DO NOT DROP BY

I don't want to hostess anyone...I don't want to make small talk on the phone if I feel bad...I don't want to answer a million texts about how I feel...

this weekend and for a few days after

I

must

be

left

alone

So please, do this for me....

if you want to leave me a message I will make one post on FB that says something and you can respond to that and leave messages of support for when I feel up to reading them...

My kids will be with me if I need anything and if I need additional help I know who to call...

I love you all dearly and I know you mean well and want to support me but if I am sleeping and I hear a text it might wake the only peace I am getting...

and no, I will not turn off my phone because I do have medical people and doctors calling to check on me and to them I must be able to hear the phone and answer...

So starting Saturday please give me peace to heal...to process...to let the poison do it's work...

Because I need to kick this shit...

I have to get better...

I have to embarrass my children for years to come

and I need to see if there is a chance for someone out there to find me and let me know that I will never have to suffer alone again...

I have the battle of my life ahead of me...

I'm scared out of my mind...

I'm alone yet surrounded by love

and

I

will

live

Inspiration Song: "All By Myself"...Celine did a lovely cover but it's Eric Carmen's beautiful vocals with the gorgeous piano that most spells out my pain...

Bye Darlings...if you have a love/partner/spouse go and kiss them now and be grateful...even if you aren't facing cancer you have someone to share pain with...I pray you never have cancer but I want you to be grateful that if you did you have someone to lean on...


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