Monday, February 27, 2017

I Want to Break Free

Hello Darlings,

Today is my 6th birthday...

I declared February 27 to be my "other" birthday a few years ago...because it is the day I woke up and was reborn because I asked my husband for a divorce...

I blogged about it last year:

http://shrinkingviolettheblog.blogspot.com/2016/02/miss-independent.html

and touched on it on yesterday's blog but it's still on my mind today...

it's not a day I have an ounce of regret about...

I still think leaving my husband was the smartest, bravest, and most loving thing I have ever done for myself.

I sat on the couch in our study and calmly looked at him and said:

"I want a divorce"

and he agreed...

I've never regretted those 4 words.

He's not a bad man...he's just not MY man.

I don't miss him but I miss the idea of a man in my life...

I don't miss having him across the table from me but I do miss having a man to cook for...

I don't miss him in the bed next to me but I do miss having a man to hold me when I sleep

I don't miss coming home to him but I do miss having someone other than cats greet me...

I don't miss HIM at all...

I had fallen out of love with him years before but was to afraid to move forward without him...because I didn't feel like a real adult...

Now, having been a single mom for 6 years and fighting cancer alone I do feel very much like a grown up...

I feel more like an old lady than a 6 year old but today I will revel in being 6...

there might be some champagne next to me right now...

Divorce and cancer have taught me a lot over these last few years.  I was an "adult" for 25 years before I think I really became a true adult.

No longer a woman who let someone else tell her how and what to think and no longer a woman who felt stupid for not knowing something.

I did try for many years:

I tried to find the love I once had for him
I tried to stay for my kids' sake
I tried to stay with him because I was scared of being alone
I tried to stay with him because I made a vow before God
I tried to stay with him because I was afraid no one would ever love me again
I tried to stay with him so I could stay in my house
I tried to stay with him so my children didn't bounce between houses

But it also meant:
I wasn't myself
I was miserable
I resented him being in the same room
I was tired of faking it
I was tired of pretending
I was tired of not being loved
I was tired of being someone who let someone else think for her
I was tired of not being appreciated for who I was
I was tired of not being appreciated for what I did


I thought about it for weeks...months...years...

but finally on that day I had the courage to find my voice and let myself be heard and I have never spent a second regretting it....

I don't advocate leaving your spouse unless you really have to but I will say that leaving a situation that no longer serves you is the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

I am a believer in giving your all to others....to serve others and to love others...to give of yourself...

the gift of yourself is more precious than gold and worth more than money...

but sometimes you have to say "enough" and move on...

that goes for romantic and friend relationships...

Remaining stuck because you are too afraid to move is not serving you or anyone else in your life...

Having cancer is now teaching me to take each moment as it comes...to seize each moment and to not wait until tomorrow to have joy...

If I wait until "the next time" or "in the future" it just might be too late...I might miss the moment I should have.

I don't want anyone I know to miss their moments...

yes, for sure hard and long consideration should come before life changing things like divorce and having kids or moving to a new city--- but it's the simple things we should not wait on...

or the things we know we must do...

when we know we must not wait longer...

or to just seize the moment...
eat the ice cream...
say yes to the coffee date...
go to the party...
buy the shoes...
try the recipe...
give away the clothes...
get on the spin bike...
run in the rain...
get the bangs...
color the hair pink...
buy the new bed...
put on the red lipstick...
have dessert first...
open the champagne...
walk out of the boring movie...
leave the party and go to the coffee shop...
buy the car...
book the vacation...
go see the Eiffel Tower...
take the class...
start the book...
run further than yesterday...
kiss the girl...
sit in front of the painting and let it soak in...
take the new job...
go to the new city...
put on the red dress not the black one...
wear the ballet flats and not the heels so you can walk...
tell the handsome guy next to you in the grocery line hello...
smile at the hot guy/girl at the gym...
drink the martini...
adopt the dog or cat...
buy the pretty lingerie for YOURSELF...
take a different path to work...
turn left instead of right...

open your heart to possibility...

even if possibility means change...

Break free from what holds you down or back...

be a balloon and soar where the wind takes you...don't stay tied to the fence...

6 years ago today I changed my life for me and my kids and yes, for my ex...

I broke free....

I felt like a balloon adrift in the heavens but the sky was blue and cloudless and the wind was gentle so I drifted instead of being blown off course...

and now, as that gentle breeze still keeps me aloft I know I am free...

Inspiration Song: "I Want To Break Free" by Queen...because sometimes we need Freddy to tell us what to do...

Bye Darlings---celebrate my birthday with me by doing something that lets you break free----even if it just means you eat the extra bit of ice cream in the pint...











Sunday, February 26, 2017

Chained to the Rhythm

Hello Darlings!

So it's been 48 hours since the last bit of poison from chemo #4 dripped into my body...

Today is the day where I basically shun human contact and lay around and sleep a lot...and tomorrow will basically be the same and then sometime on Tuesday I will start to feel "normal" (whatever "normal" is) again and come out of my cocoon of laziness....

It's a pattern that hasn't deviated since chemo #1 in December...

But the good news is my doctor is pleased with how my tests are looking (yea!  tests I can pass!!!!) and my CA125 numbers are down in the normal zone...last test was 25 which was down from the mid-400's after surgery...

but Dr. Rockstar wants my number to be more like 10-15 instead of 25 so----CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

Come on body...let's do this and be teacher's pet and get that CA125 so low we blow Dr. Rockstar away with our greatness...

In case you aren't familiar with what I mean by a CA125 blood test, here is the Mayo Clinic definition:

CA 125 test measures the amount of the protein CA 125 (cancer antigen 125) in your blood. A CA 125 test may be used to monitor certain cancers during and after treatment. In some cases, a CA 125 test may be used to look for early signs of ovarian cancer in women with a very high risk of the disease.

I never thought a blood test would mean so much to me again in my life...

back in the days when I was wanting to start a family the blood tests that determined if I was pregnant and if the baby was thriving meant everything to me.  I had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage before I was blessed with my daughter and son and each time they drew blood for me I prayed that the baby inside me was there and thriving...

now I pray that I am here and thriving...and that those numbers are going down to show that the cancer is going away...

I like a challenge so I am hoping in 3 weeks when I see her again my numbers are lower and maybe that means I won't have to have radiation...

because the thought of poison going into my body is bad enough...making me radioactive and radiating what is left of my female organs does not sound like much fun at all so I say let's pray hard that we can skip that step of my journey...

My life has changed so much from a year ago...tomorrow I will "celebrate" the anniversary of the day I asked my ex husband for a divorce.

You might find the word "celebrate" to be an odd choice for how I feel about February 27 but I do celebrate it...it's the day I took my life back.  And until I am declared cancer free, other than my kids' birthdays it is the most important day of the year to me.

One day I will take my life back again...when I am no longer chained to the rhythm of doctor's appointments and chemo treatments...

I'm glad I am no longer with my ex.

He's not a bad man.

He's just not the man for me...

and now as I go through this process I am very glad I am no longer married to him...he would have handled this terribly...

He was never very nice about anything medical with me...when I had knee surgery he bullied me into giving up my crutches too soon and I undid what the doctor had done.  He just isn't supportive on medical stuff.  When my son was 2 days post surgery he was supposed to come here to help him so I could go to yoga and the grocery store...

but he was too busy playing with his girlfriend to show up on time and kept our son waiting over 2 hours for help and his pain meds...(I left the house fully expecting that he would be passing me on my way down the street as he arrived to take over for a few hours)

and yes the bear I turned into when I found out how he didn't think it was a big deal that he was so late was a monstrous one...

nothing is ever his fault and he comes first...

so yeah, I don't need that kind of negativity around me at this time so I am thrilled that I don't have to deal with him and cancer...he was already a cancer to my happiness when we were married so I'm very glad I don't have him around right now...

I would love to have a partner during this time...I am the kind of woman who appreciates being loved and cared for but truthfully I love fussing over others more than receiving it myself.  But there are days and nights it would be nice to have a man to take care of me and tell me that despite my thinning hair I am still pretty and that my weight gain from the steroids isn't making me less attractive.

If you have ever been through a real trial without a partner you know what I am saying...

Cancer is hard enough to deal with when you have a partner...it's not doubly hard without one...it's far more...

The first night I went to sleep after chemo I was afraid...but my kids were home so it was ok...

The second round I was alone at home...

I worried that if I got sick and needed help the cats weren't going to be of much use.

Dragon doesn't handle sickness very well and Zulu is a lot like my ex and he tends to just ignore that I am having trouble and he just wants attention.  Seringa just lays there being sweet...

There is a rhythm to my recovery but things don't always happen the same way each time...or not such that you can depend on it...

I have yet to have serious nausea and any vomiting but the fatigue has gotten worse with each round...

I'm not entirely helpless when I am recovering but little things like taking out the trash are a bit harder...

hey I am just happy today that I brushed my hair and teeth and got clothes on my body...

48 hours after Taxol and Carboplatin that is a "win" people...

Doing it alone isn't easy but frankly there are only a few humans I want to be around when I feel like this...

and I know some of you are siting there thinking "how does she know it isn't better to be alone? " or "a partner doesn't mean it's better" (yes, i have had similar comments on FB) but the fact of the matter is for ME I do wish I had someone who loves me to help me through this....

it's lonely...

it's scary...

it's hard...

FOR ME....

no judgement here from me if you are dealing with hardship on your own and don't want the love and help of a partner but I do have days like today when I wish I did...

just as long as that person isn't my ex...

I waited too long to leave him...I just lived in a pattern of unhappiness that kept me from breaking free but one day I finally did and I am so glad I no longer am married to him...

I stayed fat as a way to cloak my unhappiness and feared that he might be the only person to ever love me...

and maybe he is...

here I am 6 years later and there is no man in sight on the horizon...nor has there been except for one very brief time I prefer not to discuss...

I stayed with him out of the fear of being alone...

and now I am alone but I can honestly say it's ok...not great....not perfect...not how I would like it to be...

but I would rather be alone, even with this cancer, than with him...

I've learned from all of this that staying in a marriage, friendship, job, or situation that makes you unhappy and doesn't serve you is not doing you any good...

I've let go of friendships over the last year because they are toxic people to me...or maybe our friendship was on life support and the plug needed pulling...but in any case struggling to keep a relationship is NOT a relationship...

we shouldn't be chained to things just because we are afraid to change...

I don't love being divorced but it's better than being with the wrong person...

Change doesn't have to be a big thing like divorce...

we can shake up our lives in a positive way by just making little changes....

change your diet
change your workout
change your path to work
change your favorite hangout
change the channel...

get out of the rut that keeps you chained in place and find a way to feel free...

Cancer has freed me in many ways...

I know now I won't settle...I'm getting a second chance at life and I don't plan to waste it.

I will surround myself with positivity and people who make me feel good and happy...people I don't have to struggle to be in sync with and enjoy the company of...

I'm not chained to my life...

And soon I won't be chained to cancer...

so I'm gonna break up with all the chains that keep me from flying and I plan to soar...

because the only thing I want to be chained to is the rhythm---OF LIFE

Inspiration Song: "Chained to the Rhythm" by Katy Perry....because I love her!!! And I love the song...

Lyrics;
Are we crazy?
Living our lives through a lens
Trapped in our white-picket fence
Like ornaments
So comfortable, we live in a bubble, a bubble
So comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, the trouble
Aren't you lonely
Up there in utopia
Where nothing will ever be enough?
Happily numb
So comfortable, we live in a bubble, a bubble
So comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, the trouble
Ah, so put
Your rose-colored glasses on
And party on
Turn it up, it's your favorite song
Dance, dance, dance to the distortion
Turn it up, keep it on repeat
Stumbling around like a wasted zombie
Yeah, we think we're free
Drink, this one is on me
We're all chained to the rhythm
To the rhythm to the rhythm
Bye Darlings...move to your own rhythm and break the chains that hold you in places where you can't be free...


Thursday, February 23, 2017

The Winner Takes it All

Hi Darlings...

Well yesterday was a crappy day where I had a big day-long pity party for myself...

I was mad at the cancer and what it kept cancelling for me.

So tomorrow I have to go and face the poison again.

I get to have blood drawn that will tell my doctor if the chemo is working like it should...and then I get to see my doctor and she can tell me what the bloodwork says...and then...

then it's time for the poison...

I wish it got easier each time but it really doesn't...

it gets harder...

because each time wears the body down more than the time before and frankly I really want to get back to my living my life as a sassy lily and not as a droopy pansy...

Each time the nurse hangs the bag of Taxol on the little iv machine thing I say a prayer...

I ask God to make the poison work...

It's surreal each time it happens...

I freak out a little and usually cry...

Never in my life did I imagine that I would be sitting in a room with other cancer patients while we all received poison to save our lives.

I sit in my chair, with my little frozen headgear on (to keep the hair) and I feel the tubes running into my body.

I look up and see the bag with the "caution" stickers on it that indicate that what is inside that bag is some dangerous stuff...

the little machine that regulates the infusion starts to blink and words appear...

and I just want to curl into a ball and cry for my mommy...

I know that for the next 3 hours Taxol will course through my body and destroy cells (hopefully the uterine pappilary serous carcinoma cells) and it destroys other cells as well.  Then after that runs its course I get another hour of more poison.

The second poison is carboplatin and it has lovely side effects like neuropathy in my fingers and toes (possibly irreversible) and possible hearing loss...

lovely...

the first poison can make me lose all my hair and the second can make me lose feeling in my fingers...

they will save my life but might cost me other things...

And the poison continues to course through my body and the little IV machine thing whirrs and blinks and the stuff that I pray will save my life flows through my veins and goes to work to kill the bad stuff...

Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine that I am Snoopy sitting on top of my dog house but I'm Snoopy being the Red Baron and I am shooting at all the cancer cells...I am shooting to kill and get them all out of my body before they can spread and multiply...

I'm pretty convinced since Snoopy is my "go to" for this that I am still a child...

It's a scenerio I never imagined would ever be a reality for me...but then again who ever imagines that they will hear the words "you have cancer"?

I lay in the chair and as the drugs do their work I try my best to not just sit and cry and feel sorry for myself...my Aunt Jane or Twirler Girl help me change my cap and dry the tears I cry...I sleep because they give me Benadryl but I can only sleep in 25 minute increments because of the cold caps.

The steroid they give me before the chemo makes me hungry as a linebacker...and I turn into a complete sugar monster...

In my normal life cookies will go stale in my house...
ice cream turns to icy yuckiness because I usually only take a few spoonfuls and that's it...
cakes will mold...

I don't have a sweet tooth in my regular life...my vice is spice and cheese...

but now that I have the steroid in me suddenly there are not enough macarons or pound cake in this world to keep me happy...Whole Foods cheesecake and chocolate mousse are not safe around me...and I want entire pints of ice cream...

none of that is very good when you are a girl trying to lose the weight that has come onto your body since surgery and menopause and all the time before when no one could figure out why I couldn't lose weight...

It's more than just a war to stay alive...I have all these little battles to fight as well...

So all of this has me thinking about why I ended up with cancer...

and the answer is:

HELL IF I KNOW

But I can't help but think that maybe there is a reason that I am facing this war with my body...and the only thing I can come up with is that at some point someone will hear my story and it might save their life...

so maybe I am going through this so that someone else can live...

Thousands of women have gone before me to fight this same battle for their lives and due to them my doctor knows what drugs to give me and how to cure me...so maybe all the weirdness of my cancer hiding so well will help other doctors to order CA125 blood tests or just dig a little deeper when a woman says "I'm bleeding and I don't feel right".

And hopefully out there some of you might remember how they found my cancer and you might tell another woman "Go to the doctor!"

I'm no superhero but I hope I can do some good in this world because of all of this...

I thought I had my life pretty well figured out and then God said "not so fast there, Missy" and suddenly I am sitting in a room with other cancer patients getting chemotherapy...

So tomorrow will be #4 and I will finally have more treatments behind me than I have ahead of me...

I feel like a countdown can begin...

But first I have to get through #4 and all that comes with it...

I pray that the drugs kill the cancer cells and that I can return to life by the middle of next week...

I pray that I can return to blogging about fun and funny stuff and not all of this "sturm und drang" about the cancer...

Life is meant to be lived...and I want to live my life and not just exist between treatments...

Because right now I am basically existing and not getting to live and people: That ain't me!!!

I will survive
I will keep my hair
I will have a healthy body
I will get to go back to my spin and yoga
I will get to socialize and have fun

I say all of that because that's my mantra...it's what I tell myself each day to get through...

I won't let cancer beat me even if winning the battle means killing some things about myself...including good cells along with the bad...

I firmly believe that you have to be positive about these things to win...

Last year my son's football team was in the private school state championships.

They had to play a team that they lost to before....and the other team had beaten them badly and decisively...

Before the game many of us parents were discussing how to console our boys and hoped that the score would not be a runaway...

The boys hit the field and a miracle happened...

Our little team, with 3 starters (including my son) out with injuries, and a quarterback who was really a baseball player---started to win...

And despite the other team having bigger boys who were more talented...

we won...

our boys won the championship!

When I went down to the field and my son limped his way over to me (he had had ACL repair surgery) I could see the tears streaming down his face...I've never seen him look so happy...

I kissed him and hugged him and he told me it was the best night ever...

He told me that no one believed they could win...but that THEY believed they could...they never thought of losing as an option...their only option was to win...

and here we were as parents expecting a loss but our boys knew they could win and they did...

I learned a lot from that team of boys that night...and when I was told I had cancer I knew I had to be just like those boys...

losing could not be an option...

my only option is to WIN...

So tomorrow when those bags of poison are hung on that tree that holds them and that machine starts whirring and blinking I have to imagine I am Snoopy and those liquids are my bullets to destroy the cancer...

Because my only choice is to win...

there are no other options...

I play to win...and I plan to win big...

and I will take the prize at the end of this journey

and that prize is...

MY LIFE

Inspiration Song: "The Winner Takes it All" by ABBA...because it's ABBA!  And because I am gonna win this and take all that the rest of my life has to offer me...

Bye Darlings...play to win...live your life to be a winner and winning is not how much money or stuff you have but rather how much love you have in life...






Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Cruel to be Kind

Hello Darlings

It's been ages since I wrote a blog...I got super busy costuming the musical (they were amazing!!!) and had two chemos...I am now at 3 down/3 to go with my 4th round coming right up on Friday...

Today is not exactly a great day...I'm having a pity party...hence the blog....

I want to be normal again.

I want to feel normal
Have a normal day
and a normal life

But at this point I am not sure I will ever know what "normal" is again...and if I do I am pretty sure that whatever my "normal" is it will be a new normal...not the one I knew before...

My life before was filled with yoga and spin classes, cooking and writing a cooking column, seeing friends and occasionally going out to brunch or dinner and working...and of course loving and raising my beautiful kids...

now I have days where just getting from my bed to my beloved lounge chair feels like a victory.

I miss my spin and yoga...I miss it in my soul....

I miss walking into Revolution Studio, putting on my pretty pink spin shoes and clipping in and riding and sweating and dancing on the bike...I miss unfurling my beautiful pink mat and stepping onto it and feeling sexy and powerful...

I miss the sweat
I miss the soulful talks
I miss the candlelight
I miss the riders breathing heavy next to me
I miss the beat of the music pounding in the studio
I miss the feel of stretching and balancing
I miss seeing the other yogis around me moving to the music as I do
I miss the instructors filling my soul and heart with love
I miss the beauty of 50 riders rising in unison when the instructor tells us to leave the saddle
I miss dancing on the bike
I miss the feel of the weights in my hand as I lift them to the music

I miss it all...

I used to ride and/or do yoga at least 5 days a week. I forced myself to take days off...

Since October I have only been able to do yoga about 3 or 4 times and I have only been able to spin about 3 times...

it crushes me...to the point of depression and aching...

But it's hard to get on the bike and pedal when you can barely move across your house...

And for some awful reason each time have gotten my chemo it is followed by a terrible sinus infection so even when I am recovered from the chemo the sinus infection is keeping me down like I have the flu

Cancer is robbing me from my "normal" of exercise...

I feel out of shape
I feel fat
I feel stiff

I miss cooking too....

But it's hard to cook when you are tired...and food doesn't taste the same thanks to the chemo...

I love shellfish but right now crab meat tastes like it's rotten to me...I can't taste some foods at all and others just don't taste the same...

Chemo messes with your taste buds...

I'm also tired of being tired...

It sounds so restful until you have rested yourself to the point where you wonder if you will ever leave the house again.

And it's a tired I can't describe unless you have experienced it but it sorta feels like the flu...and you get the lovely aches with it...

I'm also looking forward to the day that running errands doesn't wear me out so much I need a nap.

Naps are lovely...and I used to love a nice nap on a Sunday especially when it was raining.

Naps were special...they were "me" time that I splurged on myself.

Nowadays naps are a way of life...
a necessity...
a daily occurance...
needed...

Sleep is necessary to recover from chemo and when you have cancer...but thanks to menopause my sleep gets interrupted by:
hot flashes
trips to the bathroom
cold flashes
night sweats
trips to the bathroom
trips to the bathroom
trips to the bathroom
and
cats...

(ok cats aren't part of menopause but maybe being a single menopausal woman makes cats happen)

And I am thirsty...very thirsty...so I can't stop the bathroom thing...

I go to bed with a very large bottle of water or insulated cup and thirst (and sweats) prevail and I end up drinking a lot of water...I've even tried tricking myself by not having as much water but when your throat feels like sandpaper you gotta sip some water...

So yeah---I don't get good rest all the time...

My relationships with my bed and lounge chair are strong and deep...I spend so much time with each of them I think they might end up being the only love affairs I have for quite some time...maybe I should just name my lounge chair "Steve" so I can say "I'm seeing Steve tonight" and can feel like I have a boyfriend...

a leather lounge chair boyfriend is what I need these days...it's comfy and doesn't talk back and always welcomes me...

And then there is the hair stuff...

I still have my hair...most of it at least...but it is thinner...

I no longer need to shave my legs or armpits and my eyebrows are hanging on although I have lost my eyelashes (I blame the eyelash extensions for that...)

I will never take brushing my hair for granted again...

because until you have to softly...ever so softly---brush your hair so it doesn't pull out and you cry when you see how much hair is in the brush you don't know what it's like to be scared to brush your hair...

I won't take washing my hair for granted either...I can only do so once or twice a week and I miss the feeling of giving my head a good scrubbing and styling it...

yeah, no styling it either...

and you don't have many hair options when your hair is greasy and lifeless so I am pretty much in an old lady bun every day...no cute hair for me...

and I desperately (for the first time in my life) need color...my roots are dark and my hair has no texture...it's just limp and there...

so I look forward to a good cut and color when this is done...

but i thank the Lord every day that I still have hair and I don't look like a human emoji...I have no bald patches and my hair still looks good and is on my head.

And if you are one of those people reading this and thinking I am foolish for struggling to keep my hair let me just suggest you go into your bathroom and shave  your head until you are smooth and bald and then do that every day for 6 months.

What? you don't want to lose your hair?

Neither do I....

and as for the "but I would if it meant I was saving my life" ....trust me, it's not as easy a decision until you are actually faced with it...so if you have spent one second questioning why someone would work so hard to keep their hair just remember that you don't want to be bald either...

I also am struggling with the head games I play with myself...

I now just say "I am a cancer survivor" to myself because frankly there is no other option...I am not a victim...I am going to beat this crap and get on with my life...but every once in a while the scary voice comes in my head and plays around with me and whispers ugly things that I dare not write here lest I release them into the universe and make it real.

Because this is CANCER and not a cold or the flu or a sinus infection...

and many days I run about acting like it's just a little cold and not the serious threatening-my-life battle I am fighting...

I spent 14 hours at the theater one day the week of our show...I do that every year...14 hour days are nothing during show week...

but when you have cancer a 14 hour day literally knocks you to the ground...

the next morning I literally could not wake up and get out of bed to be at the theater when the kids arrived so I texted my girls to carry on without me...

when I walked in (3 hours late) I found that they had not only fixed the things we had talked about the night before but had gone on and found other costumes to repair, bedazzle, jazz up, decorate and just make fabulous.  They didn't need me...they knew what to do...and I was so grateful to just walk in and see that I had taught and trained them well...

But I felt like a failure for being 3 hours late and struggling to make it...I even went home and took a nap during the next 14 hour day just so I could make it to the end...

I cried like a baby backstage after our final performance...not just because I will miss the kids and my seniors and the show itself but because I couldn't believe I actually DID the show...

I am blessed because my little team of magical unicorn girls followed my vision and worked hard to do all the things we needed to do despite my illness...it was a feeling of joy and relief...

which leads me to the greatest battle I have with myself with this cancer thing...

it's not just the:
fatigue
crazy appetite and food issues
sleep issues
lack of exercise
loss of social time
losing my hair
fear
job struggles

No, my biggest battle is with:

LOSS OF CONTROL OVER MY OWN LIFE

And that one I am struggling with mightily today...

I've cried 4 times over it today...

Because when you have cancer you are at the mercy of your body and the chemicals they are pouring into it...and to what those chemicals and those cancer cells are doing to your body...

My schedule is not my own: it is based on when my next infusion is...

I literally planned when I wanted to go see a musical another high school is doing based on when I will feel ok after chemo...heck my doctor and I planned my entire chemo schedule around me being able to work on our show...literally she pulled out a calendar and worked backwards from our show dates so I would be able to be there...

I plan when I can go run errands based on the fact that many times by the time 3 o'clock rolls around I have zero energy...

And it's not just my schedule---I literally don't know how I am going to feel each day when I wake up...and I hate that feeling...

I literally feel powerless and out of control...

And that...that is truly the hardest part of all of it...

it's not easy to have tubes stuck in me that are for feeding poison into my body but that is actually easier than having to cancel my spin class because I don't have the energy to go...

I hate cooking dinner and it ends up tasting funky to me because chemo is making my taste off...

I hate needing a nap in the middle of the day because I am too tired to go on

I hate having to ask for help

oh yeah that one is a big one because I am used to being the helper not the one who needs the help...

So it's a whole lot of stuff going on with my body but mostly it's the stuff going on in my head that makes all of this difficult...

So now that I am here having a big old pity party for myself what can I offer you my readers that might give you something to hold on to after reading all my complaints?

It's this...

sometimes we have to surrender...

we have to wave the white flag...

we have to accept...

we have to understand that we must alter our course sometimes...

we have to change our plans...

we have to go down a path we don't want to...

we have to let things happen that we don't like...

we have to---LET IT GO

I don't do any of that very well...

I am a planner and a do'er...

I am the one who gives instead of receives...

It's not easy to just step back from what we want to do and say "ok, I'll give it up"...

Every Sunday I sign up for my spin classes...I have such hope...and then each day I have to cancel the class because I feel to crappy to attend...or I have to give up the time I would use to spin to go to the grocery store or do some other menial task...

But each Sunday I have hope when I sign up that I will get on that bike...

So we have to have hope...and we have to be flexible when things don't go as planned.

This is an old lesson we all know...we all have stumbles and hurdles in life that make things go awry...I'm not the only person in this world who has had her life altered by circumstances beyond her control.

We all do...

And maybe your hurdle and stumbling block isn't cancer but rather a car that won't start...

or the ride your kid was getting home so you could do something fell through...

or your flight gets cancelled...

whatever it is, sometimes we have to surrender and give up control and it's never easy whether it is a cancelled flight or cancer

it's how we handle it all that gives us grace and strength

I have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass and one day in the future I will get back to exercising 5 days a week, washing and styling my hair, having energy for 14 hour days and food will taste like it should...

but right now---it's not happening that way

The other day a dear friend reminded me that there should be some lemonade from the lemons I have been handed...

and she's right...

except for me that lemonade is gonna be a lemontini (lemon martini) and I will find a way to toast the lemons that made that delicious drink possible

So many hard things have to happen before the sweetness can come...

I have to endure things I never planned on or thought I would do

I never imagined that I would have cancer and have to surrender so much of myself to it...

I never thought I would have poison put in my body to heal me

But through it all:

I'll live...

I'll survive...

I'll ride again...

and I will forgive myself the times that I feel that life is unfair and I'm tired of being brave...

and then I will go find the damn lemons and make that drink...

Inspiration Song: "Cruel to be Kind" by Nick Lowe...or the cute version by "Letters to Cleo" from " 10 Things I Hate About You"...it actually comes from Hamlet: "I must be cruel, only to be kind: Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.".  That's what the chemo is...it's the cruel part but it will be kind and cure me...

Bye Darlings....don't be cruel to be kind to others but when cruel things happen to you try and find the kindness and goodness about your situation...I"m still looking for the good in this cancer and maybe part of it s a lesson in giving up control...who knows but whatever it is I will work toward acceptance...