Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old)

hello darlings...

it's me....

Princess Whineypants

aka

She Who Complains A Lot

aka

The President of the "there is something wrong" club

aka

"that woman who blogs and bores us with all her medical issues"

yep...

that's me...

I have a few more titles but I will save them for another occasion...

So your Magical Unicorn Glitter Princess here is still dealing with a nagging hip.

I did get some answers...

sort of....

So I went to go see Dr. Joint and he was out on spring break.

So I asked if I could see Dr. Needles in the Knees but she too is out on spring break...

But luckily Dr. Hips was in (he specializes in hip pain) so I got to see him.

KuteKaren came with me...I needed a driver and she's a good set of listening ears...she often goes with me to these "I need to meet a new doctor" meetings so she is the perfect wingman.

Dr. Hips orders Xrays and then examines me.

He pulls up the X-Rays and I say: do you see cancer there?

Him: no, I don't see cancer

Me: ok then anything else you say is just fine...just as long as you don't see cancer.

He thinks I have torn my labrum---the labrum is the ring of cartilage that cushions your hip joint.

Damn

So he suggests the first line of defense is to get a cortisone shot in my hip.

KuteKaren and I go downstairs to see if I can get it done and there is a waiting room full of people who look like broken toys.

And sadly the doc who does the injections---
is out on spring break

He said I needed to see an "interventional radiologist"

Ha!

I know one of those...

she's a beautiful badass of a doctor...and a yoga instructor so yeah she is not only the most gorgeous creature who is smart and badass and bendy but she can fix you and teach you how to do a good down dog. (my students are obsessed with her instagram because she is such a rockstar of a human and her dogs look like toys...seriously they love her).

So I call Dr. Yogi and she can't do it but hoped her hubby could (sadly he could not but he tried) and all the docs she called---

were out on spring break

(I'm beginning to hate spring break)

But then my WarriorTwinTrish got involved and she found me a doc who could stick a needle in my hip. She never gives up and we have both battled the beast that is Uterine Cancer and both have the same docs, both cold capped to keep our hair, we are both blonde and we met at spin class. Not kidding. How perfect is that? I call us "Dr. Angel's Atomic Blonde's"...he is slightly terrified that one day we are going to force him to be in the same room with both of us...she was good preparation for him so he was good and ready for the Unicorn Glitter Princess...

So today I took myself down to see Dr. MoreNeedles and he stuck a big needle in my hip (guided by ultrasound) and shot in some lidocaine and some steroid.

I was hoping the lidocaine would numb me up and give me some relief but alas it didn't...but in a sense it did because I hurt but not the way I did earlier.

I am still in pain and this will take a few days if it works. If it doesn't it's another treatment and then surgery if that fails.

But I like Dr. MoreNeedles so I am having faith it's gonna work.

The mornings are the worst...

my knees already hate me for getting them up and walking but the left hip is basically screaming the whole time (or maybe that is me---because yes I have literally screamed out loud so loudly that I worry the neighbor will fear I am being attacked and send the police)

it hurts like a "motha"

(and no I do not mean moth...I mean the very bad word)

It took me 7 minutes to make my coffee this morning because the pain was so bad.

And I have a Keurig people so it shouldn't be that hard!

Anyway....let's hope this stuff helps my hip because I am not happy being away from the bike and my mat.

I need Revolution to keep me happy.

And I am missing my Glitter Man who is Jason Wimberley (using a real name here because he is a celebrity) who is coming to town to teach cycle classes and I was booked front row for his 90 minute ride on Saturday but I have been banned from the bike. The dude trains my favorite drag queen and celebrities, he high kicks during class and does the splits....he dances for us...he jumps on my bike and gives me sweaty kisses...and he loves me and I love him and he is one of my favorite humans in the world...

and I have to miss him and his class...

(excuse me I have to cry a little more right now...be right back)

(ok I am back...mascara running)

and when I don't exercise I can basically only live on air and water and lettuce and lemon juice...I need to workout to be able to just eat like a healthy person...I'm not even asking for pasta and bad stuff here....but even clean eating won't let me drop weight if I can't ride and flow

not kidding

not
kidding

so

not

kidding

and kiddo is coming home for spring break and he likes mom's good cooking...

I don't think he wants "air gumbo" for dinner...

and...

and this will be shocking to some of you...

especially those who know I hate country music...

I have a ticket to Garth Brooks for the Sunday show.

I
WILL
NOT
MISS
GARTH

I have waited almost 30 years to see him

and I finally get to with my Aunt Jane (and my sweet Aunt SuSu who gave me her ticket so I could see him because she knows I love him so much).

Last year when I was having chemo and it was announced that Garth was coming to the rodeo I told Aunt Jane "oh how I want to see him"

(in reality...and this is truth...in my head I was saying "I hope I live so I can go see Garth"...I never told her that)

Last week she called me and gave me the news and I cried...because it's Garth...

So bad hip or not...I'm gonna see Garth!

I've been fighting for the past 16 months and believe me I will cry through his concert because when I heard he was coming all I wanted was to live so I could see him...I needed something to fight for and he was one of those things...he was on the list of "what to live for".

What was on the list?

I'll tell you...

my kids
my Aunt Jane
my family
my friends
my students
GOTT, GOTTESS, GOTTSON
spin class
yoga
my instructors (MelV and KuteKim on top of that list)
JayVee, TwilerGirl, AngelAmy, KuteKaren and their kids
my #rideordie crew I met at Revolution who are now family
Dragon (and ok Zulu but he's a pest)
musicals
Tommy Tune Award nominations
watching children sing
getting do to Legally Blonde
seeing Hamilton and Dear Evan Hanson
and
Love---that I would find love before I die
and
seeing Garth Brooks perform

yep...that's what kept me going...

that's what I prayed for every time my veins filled with poison or that I laid down on the table and got nuked

so my hip be damned I will go see Garth on Sunday...

(oh and in the middle of it the nominations are announced for the high school musical awards so there will be that...)

I can't believe I am falling apart like this...it's like I am made of glass...

I have stage 4 UPSC
my knees are shot
I am in full blown menopause (and all that goes with it)
my eyes are terrible so I have contacts (for distance) and readers to see everything tiny
I'm overweight
my blood pressure is a tad high (but fully controlled)
my hair is thinner (but still here so not really complaining)
I have wrinkles (but my creams and botox help)
i get insomnia sometimes
I'm hot...then cold...then hot
and now my hip...

I feel like I need to be some little old granny lady with a sweater on and a cane that eats dinner at 5...

I'm 53...

not 83...

My body might be broken down but my soul is young and alive and wants to see the world, fall in love with a man who thinks I am worth the risks, do years more spin and yoga, and live life to the fullest.

I'm not ready to accept my AARP membership (I haven't...not ready to admit I am there yet)

I'm not ready to feel this old...

Thankfully my hair is not grey so I have that going for me...but not much else...

I don't need to parade around in a bikini but I would love to not hide when I go to the pool...and I still have a lot of life left in my stilletto collection and I'm not ready to wear old lady clothes yet...but don't worry you won't see photos on Instagram of me in a barely there anything....

I'm young at heart but my body sure isn't cooperating.

And frankly I'm not sure how to fix that other than exercise and Botox...

I used to think 50 sounded so very old.

And then I turned 50.

And yes, it sounds so damn old.

But I also know that I may be trapped in a 53 year old body but I am not 53 in my heart and head.

They say you are only as old as you feel....

well my body feels 80 but my heart says 35 and the brain says 40 (I loved being 40)...

A few weekends ago I had a little reunion with some girlfriends I knew in high school. We escaped to the hill country and sat around drinking a lot of wine and coffee and had good cries and girl talk. I even brought a silly mask that we put on that briefly made us all look 100 years old but then freshened our skin like a facial. But honestly as I looked at my beautiful friends I did not see age...I still saw those girls that I thought were so beautiful in high school that are even more beautiful now. These were girls who's beauty I always envied and who always caught the eyes of the cute boys. Their beauty was and is in their eyes and smiles...and yes in the few gentle lines in their faces that tell their age and lives well lived and loved. I love them dearly and more than ever. And for that weekend I wasn't old...I was back in high school and we were having a slumber party.

So my body might betray me but my heart never will...

age is a number...

life is to be lived and not counted...

beauty is beauty and it's not always about makeup and enviable figures and lots of hair...

beauty is in the soul

and my soul is eternal...

I just wish my hip was too...

Bye darlings: Inspiration Song; "I'm Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old) by Garth Brooks...#becauseGarth

Bye Darlings---my body is aging but my heart isn't...I'll fight it as long and hard as I can...I didn't survive cancer to become a lonely old woman with no life...and I'm not ready to act like one either...Princess Whineypants is signing off for tonight---she wants to become Princess WineWearingPants...

#garthbrooks #garth #uterinecancer #uterinepappillaryserouscarcinoma










Sunday, March 11, 2018

Hips Don't Lie

Hello Darlings

well you know how I said I wanted to stop blogging about my cancer and my health?

Best laid plans...

But at least this IS NOT cancer...just a medical thing

My hips...specifically my left hip...is killing me.

And by killing me I mean that I have cried and screamed in pain trying to walk across my house...

My knees bother me regularly but I have never had joint pain like this before.

It starts in my hip and radiates down my leg.

I can't get comfortable...

Standing is unbearable...

Walking can be "it hurts but not awful" to "I can't take one more step"

Sitting is uncomfortable...no way to sit and not feel it.

Laying down is the only time I am not fully in pain...I'm at about 2-3 on a pain scale of 10 when I am in bed...otherwise it goes from 5-9...

9

not kidding...sharp dreadful "what the hell is that" pain.

I consulted Dr. Google about it...

I mean why go to a real doc when I can just get on WebMD or see what Google says...

And let me divert to WebMD for a moment---whenever I used to consult WebMD I would always get a list of answers and of course "cancer" was there.

It always made me think I had cancer...

And I always said "WebMD" always thinks I have cancer...maybe I have cancer!

But when I consulted it with my symptoms when I was bleeding and having the pain and my body felt off the last symptom on the list was Uterine Cancer.

And all those times I consulted it thinking I had cancer it was the one time I didn't think "I have cancer"....

because when the little voice in your head says something really really scary you can silence it by pretending nothing is wrong...

I'm not very good at quieting the scary voice so of course the minute all this pain started my head jumped to this:

OMG I HAVE HORRIBLE PAIN AND IT IS FOR SURE THE CANCER BECAUSE MY CANCER WAS IN MY PELVIS AND THIS IS IN MY PELVIS AND THEY RADIATED MY PELVIS SO NOW I PROBABLY HAVE BONE CANCER OR JOINT CANCER OR LYMPH GLANDS WITH CANCER SO BIG THEY ARE PRESSING ON MY JOINT SO IT IS FOR SURE CANCER AND I AM DYING BECAUSE DR ROCKSTAR SAID IF IT COMES BACK IT IS A BEAR TO DEAL WITH AND DR ANGEL SAYS WE DO NOT WANT A RECURRANCE BUT HERE I AM AND IT IS CANCER AND ALL THIS PAIN IS CANCER AND THE CANCER IS EATING ME UP AND I AM GOING TO DIE

yes....

that's EXACTLY what I said in my head about 50 million times over the last 5 days I have been dealing with this.

So I consulted WebMD and cancer didn't show up as an option

(whew)

but my brain just goes there anyway...

honestly I am pretty sure it is just bursitis of the hip but I think once you have had cancer ANYTHING that goes wonky with your body you will assume it is cancer.

I plan to go see Dr. Joint tomorrow (my orthopedic surgeon) and see if he can't fix me up so I can walk and most importantly spin and do yoga again (yes that is more important than just mere walking).

I've been dealing with this for 5 days and I have definitely learned something about myself and not just that my hip hurts like hell.

This little adventure in pain has taught me that not only will I always assume that my cancer is back but I also have learned I am super stubborn.

I should have called the doctor by Friday at the latest...but nooooo...

you see in my head it was cancer and I didn't want to hear it...

also I was afraid I would have to have an MRI and no way did I want that...

and I felt I could just use ice and heat and stretching and rest and it would go away...

but no...

still as bad...

maybe worse...

I'm very stubborn about these kinds of things so I end up messing myself up with it.

And as for resting---y'all know I hate that...

I live for my hustles and flows (my spin and yoga) and it does so much for me...everytime I walk into Revolution Studio I am instantly happy and ready for some good sweat and time with my friends there.

When I am away from spin and yoga and Revolution I am depressed...

literally...

I NEED to sweat and ride and move...

So not being able to for 5 days is making me cuckoo...

And I don't do well with sitting around...

So yeah, I am stubborn about going to see the doc and I need to workout to be happy...and cancer is the first thing I think is going on when something goes wrong with me...

which ultimately leads to the biggest thing I see about myself through all of this:

LOSS OF CONTROL

yep...this has caused me a loss of control and I am not dealing with it very well.

you see now that I have had all that cancer stuff I need to feel in control of my body again...I need to feel like my body is well and whole and healthy...

and there is NOTHING I can do about this hip pain other than to take pain killers (not an option I like at all) and occasionally I can find a position to lay or sit in that gives me a few minutes relief from the throbbing stinging burning pain.

During all of my cancer treatments I had no control---I couldn't control the pain, I couldn't control the nausea unless I took pills (which I hate), I had no control of my schedule--my life was planned around treatments, I had no control over the way I felt after chemo and radiation...all of that was in their hands...

I couldn't do what I wanted for a year...

I couldn't really live...

I just EXISTED to be treated...

so I was NOT in control of my life...

I was fighting to live but everything was out of my control...

I couldn't force my body to do anything...the chemicals and radiation could coax it to but there were no guarantees.

So here I am once again out of control and at the mercy of what a doctor can do for me and for the short term what I can do to manage the pain.

I often quote Maya Angelou---she was such an incredibly wise woman.

Maya said "you can tell a lot about a person from the way they handle a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights"...

In other words---how we handle frustrating things we have no control over...

well...for me...

FRUSTRATION...

with all except rainy days because that just makes me want to climb into bed.

Seriously people I don't handle being out of control well at all...and I just toss the tangled lights and I throw a grade A incredible fit if my luggage is lost...

So once again my body is teaching me lessons that I never wanted to learn.

How to be patient..deal with pain...stop being stubborn about seeing the doctor...and how to handle it when I can't go spin or flow or do anything...

All I have done today is try to sit in my chair (it hurts to sit) and eat...

that will do WONDERS for my diet..

I've hardly burned any calories today (half of what I usually do on a Sunday) and there is nothing I can do about it except whine because my hip literally starts screaming at me if I move around much.

And I have had about 138 hot flashes today so there is that...

I

am

pissed

This is NOT what I like to do and really I just want to scream (in pain and in frustration)

When I found out about the cancer I did ask God "why me?"

and

"why has this happened to me?"

but I came to turn that around and instead of feeling I had something put upon me to burden me I now say:

"WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS?"

My cancer has taught me a lot and now this situation with my hip is also teaching me...

about my body...my patience...my stubborness...

I told KuteKaren, JayVee, and Twiler Girl that I just want a month without medical stuff being in my way.

I realized I got it during the month of February...I didn't have to see doctors, get my port flushed, no scans, no poking, no blood draws, no medical stuff...

But here is March and in a week I see Dr. Rockstar for a checkup and that CA125 level is very very important.

And then in April I have a PET scan and I see Dr. Angel who will either be smiling and happy or have that worried look on his face that tells me he has to say something he doesn't want to...I love him endlessly but I really prefer happy smiling doctor to one who looks like he's about to say something he does not want to say...

so all of this is hanging over me and I'm here just trying to get back to spin class...

because I can't do anything about the other stuff but when I get on the bike or my mat I can forget what is wrong and lose myself in the movement.

I'm trying to take each hurdle I am forced to jump over as a chance to learn.

I'm 53 and I do not yet know much in this world...and I feel I have so much more learning and living to do.

Life is never a smooth flat road.

There are hills...

curves...

hairpin turns...

mountains...

valleys...

speed zones....

stop signs...

We all travel our road and the journey is ours alone...no one else's road looks like yours...

Mine was a fairly smooth flat road for many years...

then I hit upon some unexpected turns in the road and my marriage felt like I was constantly traveling up a hill with the brake on and no power...

then I divorced and the road became one of the unknown...with some speed zones to keep me from going off the edge and some curves along the way...

and then there was the big stop sign of cancer...

I couldn't keep traveling on the road I was on...I had to stop and reset my course and find some unknown roads to get me where I needed to go.

This little thing with my hips is like a speed zone...I need to slow down so I don't get stopped.

I don't like it one bit but I can't do anything about it except let a doctor fix it for me.

I'm trying to take each day as a lesson...a way to learn more about myself and my life and to find appreciation for things I never knew I wanted or needed and to let go of the things that will not make my life better.

I have re-evaluated what i want in a man to love...

I have learned who my real friends are...

I have learned that family is not only who shares your DNA but is also those who step up without you asking...

I have learned that I can't control everything and that I have to look at changes in plans as a chance to do something better or different...

I still wonder if it is the cancer as I sit here and write this.

I wonder if there is something terrible to be found lurking inside of me.

I'm tired of my battle but I will not stop fighting...but there are days I do want to lay down my gear.

I keep asking God to show me my purpose and to please let me find someone to share my life with.

I want to know what real loves feels like before I die.

I want to have some happiness in life that extends beyond my time with my kids or students or watching them on stage.

I want to know what it feels like to be loved and appreciated as the woman I am now.

I want to go to bed at night with someone next to me who will hold me when the fear comes creeping in.

I have friends who have been divorced less time than me that are engaged or are in serious relationships. But none of them have had cancer. They got love and I got Stage 4 UPSC.

I'm a good person and worthy of love.

I can cook a fabulous steak, be charming at a party, dress appropriately, carry on a conversation, tell a good story, and I am not unfortunate looking...and I love hard and deep and passionately and with my whole heart. I love my friends, students, family and most especially my kids with everything I have in me.

I've been told "he" is out there...but every time I find myself facing yet another medical crisis alone I feel like "he" is a myth (and I am grateful to the friends who fill in "his" place and listen to me cry or drive me to the doctor).

Sometimes I worry that the loneliness of battling this alone will ever make me give up.

I live mostly for my kids...and the students I call my kids...but I need more purpose in life than that.

My kids are grown...my students graduate...

I need more in life than coming home and sitting in my chair...and thankfully my love for Revolution fills hours each day toward that but in the end it is still just me and the cats.

And days like today where it would be really nice to have someone help me walk or finish the eggs when I'm crying from standing at the stove are hard...

I talked to a sweet friend the other day who has had a lot of loss in her life. She is divorced and she has faced medical challenges. When we talk we so often echo each other's feelings on how hard it is to lose our main purpose (for both of us being moms was our most important job and all we ever wanted) and how hard it is to be alone.

I want so much for her...and for me...

and there is a part of me that fears I might meet someone great who can't handle the cancer...or sitting through a high school musical.

And I need someone to do both because the cancer might never fully ever be something I don't have to worry about and as for the high school musical anyone who knows me knows my whole heart is on that stage with those kids and that I am never happier than when I am standing in the wing watching a show and seeing the kids I love so much do their thing...

So here I am riding alone in my little car that is my life and the back of my car is filled with books of all the things I have learned along the way and yet with each turn I see a new book I need to fill with the knowledge of how to handle things.

I'm ready for someone to take over driving or at least ride shotgun and navigate and handle the music.

Take your life as a chance to learn...

untangle the Christmas lights or just get new ones....

go buy whatever was lost in the luggage and move on and enjoy your vacation...

and go dance in the rain...

because if you can handle a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas lights you can handle just about anything...

including cancer...

and hip pain...

because if I can do it---anyone can....

Inspiration Song: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira...because my hips are telling the truth that there is something wrong and the pain is real...i hurt...hopefully tomorrow the doc can fix me up...

Bye Darlings---listen to your body...and remember that life's journey is about learning as we go...and sometimes the winding roads are a lot more interesting than the smooth flat ones...