crappy news today...
Stage 3 Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma
and it spread
so it was in my uterus, my right ovary, and some lymph glands...
I have't read all of the report but that's the part you need to know...
It's Stage 3 and it spread
and now I get to lose my hair
but I get to hopefully keep my life
it's a price to pay...not a small one...but one I must pay
So remember what I told you about losing the hair?
all you get to say is "I'm Sorry".
no telling me it will grow back, or how cute I will look in wigs, or that it's a good trade off for my life
you don't get to do that
I have a handful of people who do because they have fought cancer and lived and lost their hair...but the rest of you---NOPE
So please don't...
please I beg of you
I don't want to hear it
and if you are sitting there reading this and judging me and thinking to yourself "well I would lose my hair to save my life...she's being dramatic...it's not that big a deal!"...yes, if you are saying any bit of that I ask you:
do you have a loving committed partner in your life?
have you ever lost your hair?
Do you enjoy looking like holy hell all the time or do you prefer to look good?
Do you want the world to know you are sick?
Because if you have a partner you are blessed...they will still love you without hair...I have no one and not much chance some man worth having is going to come up to me and say "wow you are one hot and foxy 65 year old woman!" ( because that is how old I will look with no hair).
And unless you have lost your hair YOU HAVE NO IDEA
And I don't know many people who want to look like holy hell or sick all the time...but for 9 months that is how I will look:
let's add that I have extra curves I don't love on top of it...
I AM PISSED OFF AS HELL THAT I HAVE TO HAVE CHEMO
I AM PISSED OFF AS HELL THAT I HAVE CANCER
I AM PISSED OFF AS HELL THAT I AM SINGLE, 52 YEARS OLD, AND I HAVE F*ING CANCER
I am so damn ready for some good stuff to happen...I am so damn ready to have a life
I will fight this stuff...I will...
I will fight it with all I have....
but for a bit I get to be pissed off...
and not happy...
and mourn my hair...
and mourn my looks...
and mourn being normal...
It is by God's grace that my cancer was found. It is a miracle. It's confounded my doctors.
I am some sort of magical unicorn
But I am pretty sure that this cancer was found so I could do some good with it.
So I could not just sit around and feel sorry for myself and whine (see above...that's some first class A-level black belt whining right there).
I am pretty sure I need to prove that cancer won't get me...it won't kill me...
it might take my hair but it won't take my life
Because dammit if I have to lose 3 feet of long unbleached perfect blonde hair and look like a human emoji for a few years then there better damn sure be some good to come of it
(and please don't say "that good will be your hair because it will be fabulous because my friend Susi's hair came back just fabulous!'---NOPE you don't get to say that)
For the better part of two years I will look like hell...I will not have a speck of hair on my head for over 6 months...then it will grow in and look awful. And I will look not 52 through this but I will be a dead ringer for a 65 year old fat woman who can't be bothered with her hair.
It will take a long while just to reach my shoulders...and only then will I de-age and begin to look like myself again...
I don't have the bone structure for short hair...you need good bone structure to wear it 1/2 inch long...
I will look like a bowling ball with a wig plopped on.
But at the end of it all...I will live...and hopefully a very long life...and hopefully not have to fight cancer again.
But its gonna suck for a a while.
And when this is behind me I plan to be the world's most annoying cancer survivor because I plan to make sure everyone I know knows my story and will see their doctor.
Because I not only want to kick my own cancer's ass...I want to kick all cancer's ass...
So now I have a game plan.
I know I am getting a port put in next week.
I get my first round of chemo on the 23rd.
I should not get overly nauseous or sick.
I can work.
I get chemo and then wait 3 weeks for the next round.
And every good fighter has to have a team...so I am assembling that team.
I have my oncologist
I have my aunt who is "my person"
I have friends who will drive me to and from chemo
I have a housekeeper who can stay with me when I need help
I plan to spin as soon as I am allowed to spin so I will stay fit...
I plan to eat as healthy as I can (please don't send me diets...or food suggestions)
So what do I need from you people:
no telling me how it will be ok
no telling me stories about friends with cancer
no telling me stuff about losing my hair
no telling me how to eat
no telling me how to do my cancer
no telling me stuff you looked up on the internet (please dear heavens NO)
Because you see this is MY path...MY journey...MY cancer
and I need to have it be mine.
and as well meaning as it is (and I myself have been guilty many times) I don't want or need to hear stories about your friend's or family member's cancer. That was THEIR journey...this is MINE
No two cancers are alike...
no two cancer survivors have survived the same way
each journey is unique...just like our lives
I have to fight and kill something so I can live...I have to fight and not let it kill my spirit as well and to do so I have to live it and do it my way...and how my doctors tell me to do it...
So if you want to be part of #teamprincesscancer :
I need you to pray
I need you to just say "I'm sorry"
I need you to sit with me at chemo if I ask
I need you to send me funny things on Facebook
I need to not see political shit on social media (for the love of all good things the damn election is over so let's just stop calling Hillary a criminal and stop bad mouthing our outgoing president...I can't even speak of trump so I must ignore him...so stop...please...)
I need to see pictures of babies and puppies
I need friends who make me smile
I need you to come and watch my kids in our musical
I need you to see your own doctors
I need you to be you and know that I will fight this
Together we will help me get through this...together we will save other lives...
I don't plan to give in
I don't plan to let it kill me
I don't plan to just take it and walk away
I am strong
I am mad as hell
I am clever
I am one who won't give up
I will train for this by eating right, resting, and taking my meds I am told to take...
I will get in the ring with that damn cancer and I will make it sorry it chose me to bother
I will come out of this with roses in my hands and a victor's crown on my bald head
and I will not let one more woman forget that she is worth fighting for for herself
Sorry for all the whining...y'all know this is therapy for me...and I had to complain and cry and throw some shit for a bit.
But trust me...I am ready to take this on
if this is the hand I am dealt than I shall play this damn hand until I beat the house
and the house will pay...
Inspiration Song: "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera...one of my favorite songs to spin to...and because of these words:
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Bye darlings...I will fight this...it's sucky bad horrible awful news but the good news is not once did she say my prognosis isn't good...and I will kick cancer in the ass and make it pay for what it did to me...