Sunday, January 17, 2016

Let's Get Physical

Hello Darlings...

I am in show hell...

so when I am in a panic over show hell I...blog...

because I need to up my creativity and right now the well is about to run dry!

I'm not going to whine about the show right now...if I do I will start crying and panicking all over again and since I literally have to do about 200 or more costumes for this show my anxiety is at an all time high.

So I do two things to bring the anxiety down (three if you include wine...four if you include vodka but frankly did I have to mention them at all because they are pretty much a given ...)

so besides wine and vodka...or whisky...or...whatever...

I cope with stress by:

1) writing a blog

and

2) exercising

I used to eat...like if I was in my old ways right now I would totally be making a chicken fried steak and gravy for dinner instead of chicken and rice.

And tomorrow would be be brought to you by the letters "P" (for panic) and "W" (for Whataburger).

I would have spent all my stressed out time eating terrible snacks, picking up fast food, indulging in whatever I wanted because I was stressed and workouts would never happen.

Instead I am trying to plan out what kind of healthy things I can eat this week while working my bootie off and how I can fit in my workouts.

I even had a little cry in front of the computer when I looked at the schedule for the following week at the spin/yoga studio and realized I will not have many chances to work out and will not get to ride with my beloved Marvelous Mel maybe at all. And that squeezing in yoga was going to be a challenge.

tears

the struggle is real people...

yoga is why I don't throw scissors at people...

Well to be truthful I don't throw scissors at people because that would be terrible (and dangerous!) but in my mind sometimes they want to sail...if I do yoga even the fantasy of throwing scissors doesn't happen.

I've let myself slip into some old bad eating habits in the last year...I made a lot of poor choices at times and there was more than one or two or 50 "whatthehell" moments.  More fried crept into my diet and more often than not I said "yes" to a Whataburger with cheese and mayo with a large side of fries.

(But if you get the Whata Junior you save over 200 calories in carbs and get almost exactly the same protein, get less grams of fat and the carbs are cut in half...order that...that's what I do when I am paying attention to my diet...this public service announcement is brought to you by Anice the Whata Addict)

I am proof that you can't exercise away a bad diet...I exercise almost every day...and not just a little dainty exercising but heart pounding sweaty 475-575 calories in 45 minutes spin classes.  Powerful hard stuff.  Stuff that makes me want to clip out of the bike and scream "to hell with you" about 20 minutes in and then by the last minute of class I am already looking forward to my next ride.

And in May I added yoga in to the mix and every class is a soul filling dance with myself that is always in the fat-burning zone for my heart rate and often is into cardio heart rate as well.  I can wax poetic about it for the next hour or you can just go read my last blog called "Yoga".

Go do that...

it's pretty good...

I remember exercise in the 80's...it was all about Jane Fonda and aerobics and bench classes and thong leotards...

Let me refresh your memory with a little video from Eric Prydz that just might sear your corneas (and might not be safe for work) and is definitely Rated "R" but pretty much sums up exactly what we did in the early 80's and 90's for workouts...


You know what the best part of that video is....

WE ACTUALLY PRETTY MUCH LOOKED AND MOVED LIKE THAT

I was in my 20's...I could get away with it...

sort of...

not really...

but I totally thought I was Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie "Perfect"...

what's that you say?

You don't know what I am talking about?

Ah....let me show you that once upon a time she was more than a Scream Queen or a Disney Mom...

she had the most amazing body and I would have pretty much given up everything but my ability to speak to have it.

Have a look...

you might need some alcohol after this if you ever participated in one of these types of classes:


Do you hate me now for the reminder of what we did to ourselves?  Or maybe you are a young one and I am now showing you for the first time what true hell was...

and we did it in thong leotards mind you...

and if you really want to lose your mind...look up Jane Fonda Workout...

and you will hate her because she is even more beautiful now than back then...

We got physical in the most stupid and amazing ways back then.

Lifting weights, jogging, running, walking, cardio dance classes, weight/cardio workouts, pilates, yoga and spinning are classics that will always be part of a gym or fitness program and continue to evolve over the years.  Add Les Mills classes, CrossFit, barre classes and all sorts of fusion classes to the mix and you have a world of options to chose from and not one of them requires leg warmers and a thong leotard.

Thank.You.Jesus.

Spinning has evolved over the years so if you haven't tried it lately you might want to hop back up on the bike.  You no longer sit there and pedal.  There is choreography and weights involved and many studios and instructors deliver soul lifting messages that give your heart a double workout.

Some studios even offered themed rides with special music.  Thank goodness mine has "Hip Hop Happy Hour" because if it was "Country Ride" I would never go back.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert belong in a country bar or the Rodeo but not spin class (but apparently don't belong together at all...yes, you can hear the little "buh dum bump" rim shot sound effect here with that little joke...)

We all know I hate country music...and the only thing worse to me than having to listen to country music in a bar or the car would be to have to spin to it.

That is #8 on my list of "this is the definition of hell"...country music in spin class...

But hey if you like country and there is a place that offers it and it gets you riding or running...go for it...just don't look for me on the bike next to you...I will take hip hop and electronic music and remixes any day over something you could line dance to.

Pinterest is full of "30 minute ab blasts" and "10 minute fat blast" workouts...all kinds...and if you don't like the gym there really are some very good workouts to be found there.  Just don't get caught up in "50 ways to make pallets into furniture" or any of the 8000 pins on turning cauliflower into pizza crust or alfredo sauce (which I hear can be quite good but don't have the patience for).

Pinterest can be the best or worst time waster in the world...but it can also be a good way to find a workout.

There are also web sources like "Yogis Anonymous" that offer online yoga classes if you can't get to one or find a studio to your liking.  My friend Super SuSu swears by it and has been taking online classes from them when she can't make it to the studio for a while now.  She's a pretty finicky yogi so I'm about 99.99% sure its an awesome website.

For me I like a crowd to keep me going.  At Revolution Studio we refer to the group of riders as the pack and like a pack we move as one and stick together.  I love the energy I get from the riders surrounding me and from having the instructor come up and personally turn my resistance up or look me in the eye and give me a shoutout or a little nudge...or just come and touch my hand to let me know she noticed that I was working my ass off...

Today I forced JayVee into taking yoga with me.  Yes JayVee who is the queen of all things group exercise (it's her job peeps) and instructor extraordinaire had not really ever experienced a yoga class....

until today...when I made her...and Darling Dani (who even TEACHES YOGA AT THE FITNESS CENTER JAYVEE IS GROUP EXERCISE MANAGER AT) also made her do it...

and...

SHE TOTALLY LOVED IT PEOPLE...

She flowed right along with us with Super SuSu at her side (Super SuSu should be a yoga instructor herself) and I was so happy I could have danced if I had not been flowing...

Because even someone who has been in the business for enough years to have worn leg warmers for real can learn to love and experience something new (and for the record she is constantly upping her game with classes she just hadn't found the time for the mat).

I felt a huge victory because I knew she would find something in yoga that would make her heart sing...and areas in her body she could work  on the mat that she wasn't getting elsewhere)

My friend Marvelous Maggie found a love for martial arts and lost a ton of weight and turned into a real hottie who is fit and pretty...(she was always pretty...always)...she loves rolling around on the mat in a Gi having strangers hold her down in the most painful ways.  She has the bruises to prove it.  I think she is nuts but she loves it and I totally support her in it.

You gotta do what you love people...

But you also have to try stuff to learn if you like it or not.

For some going to the gym and picking up the weights or running on the treadmill is all their body and soul needs...and for others a group class is where it is at.

I love group exercise classes because I love interacting with people and knowing I am not alone in my pain.  I like knowing that the person next to me is struggling to stay on one foot or working as hard as I am to hold up those 3 lb weights.

But here's a bonus to those classes that you may not have thought of or experienced...

you might...

just maybe...

meet some new friends...

I did

And I love them

They are my "squad"...my peeps...my crazy family of lovely beautiful humans.  We can best Taylor Swifts squad of supermodels and actresses any day because one thing I know about my squad: WE TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER

We are a motley crew (and yes I almost spelled it Motely Crue) of people: some of us are moms, some are single, some are dating, some are gay, some of us have kids, some are old like me (well actually it's just me that's old) and some are fresh little pups.

Two of the squad had the nerve to move away because they got fabulous job opportunities in Singapore and...Minneapolis?  Yes, one moved to Minnesota and the other to Singapore and I pretty much miss them so much I'm crying right now...

SexySonia and JessTheBest I love you....and I hate you for leaving but I love you...

You see, if you turn to the person next to you in class you might end up with a friend...or a boyfriend...or someone to go on a cruise with (all have happened) or someone to run a marathon with or someone to keep a running chat on FB with (also happens daily) or someone who you tell every time you see her "You changed my life and I love you" (KuteKim I'm looking at you).

You might find out that the beautiful lady next to you also misses her kids and cries when you cry in Savassanah when the instructor plays "Landslide" because you miss your kids too and when you tell her how your heart hurts she says "I get it"...(DreamyDeanna....no words can express that love i have for you my soul sister).

You might end up going to a play with someone and wanting her mom to adopt you (HotTamale Super Sandra) or you have a girl who acts like a tough nut but you know she is goo inside and you love her (Super SuSu).  Or you end up with extra sons and daughters or brothers and sisters...

You show up to support each other in class and outside of class...you never know but maybe that person doing Body Pump next to you might just be your new best friend...

So open your heart to fitness but also open your heart to new people in your life...

I work hard at my classes and now it's time to clean my diet up more...I know what to do...I've been there before...it's like a yoga flow...I've been through it once and now I do it with my own breath and know where to move next because I have the map...

I've got the love and support of my squad and friends and I can do anything when my heart is filled with love...

And if I can inspire just one of you to get out there and find something that makes you move that you love doing then I will be the happiest girl alive...because I may not be inspirational but I do love to inspire...

Stretch...grow...breathe...move...

Do what makes you sweat....do what makes you feel strong and powerful...do what makes you feel like a badass

and be grateful you don't have to do it in a thong and leg warmers...

Inspiration Song: The ultimate double entendre song: "Let's Get Physical" by Olivia Newton John.

Bye Darlings---go get Physical!  And just in case you forgot, here's the video:


Now go and move...









Sunday, January 3, 2016

Yoga

Hello Darlings!

Yesterday I took my 100th yoga class at my spin studio....I've only been doing yoga since early May so for me that's a lot of yoga...this blog is for all of the beautiful yogis in my life...


Oh no...

you saw the title...and yes there is a song called "Yoga"...more on that later...

and now you are thinking...

here she goes...

she has become THAT girl...

she is a yoga girl...

all dressed up in her Lululemon gear carrying a mat and a water bottle...

well...

sorta...

I didn't have a mat until last week when my sweet precious daughter of my heart Marvelous Mel gifted me with the most beautiful pink Lululemon yoga mat...it's so cute it hurts and it matches my pink spin shoes perfectly.

And I wear some Lucy gear in addition to my Lulu so I am not 100% a Lulu girl...

But I want to tell you a little more about me and the yoga...

Believe it or not the relationship is REAL...I've been doing it now since May of 2015 and I have no intention on breaking up with it...

If Facebook let me have "in a relationship with spinning and yoga" as a status I totally would...

you all know how I love spinning...it's my favorite way to wish death upon myself...but it also is more fun than I can describe and I feel like a total badass when I am in class...

But the yoga thing is a new love affair...and lucky for me the spin studio has yogo so I don't feel like  I am cheating on my old boyfriend with my new boyfriend...I just walk out of the spin room and take off my shoes and off to yoga I go...

But I thought I would let you in on what yoga is like for me...what random thoughts go through my head as I twist and pose and want to die. 

This is what goes through my head in spin class...please note I am calling the instructor "she" but it could just as easily be "he" and yes this is exactly what I am thinking during class:

OH GOD WHY AM I HERE AND UGH I DID NOT GET MY FAVORITE BIKE BUT I WILL JUST BE HAPPY I HAVE A BIKE AND GOOD LORD HERE WE GO AND WHY IS THIS FIRST SONG SO DAMN FAST AND I CAN'T KEEP UP AND THE WHOLE ROW BEHIND ME IS OFF BEAT AND SO IS THE CHICK TO MY RIGHT AND I NEED WATER AND THANK GOD THAT IS BETTER WHY WON'T SHE LET US SIT DOWN I AM DYING AND THEY ARE ALL STILL OFF BEAT AND CRAP NOW SHE IS MAKING US DO LEFT LEAD AND I CAN'T DO LEFT LEAD AND NOW TAPBACKS OH HELL TO THE NO TO THE LEFT LEAD TAP BACKS THANK GOD WE GOT TO SIT BUT OH NO WE ARE BACK UP AND SPRINTING AND I AM DYING AND I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR ARMS AND THESE 3 LB WEIGHTS FEEL LIKE 30 LBS AND HOW DOES THAT TINY GIRL NEXT TO ME DO IT WITH 3 LBS WEIGHTS AND NOW I AM CRYING BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTOR IS TOUCHING MY HEART WITH HER AMAZING MESSAGE OF BELIEVING IN MYSELF AND I NEEDED THAT TODAY AND I AM STILL CRYING AND NOW ITS THE LAST SONG AND WE ARE SPRINTING AND THANK GOD WE ARE DONE AND I DIDN'T DIE TODAY IN SPIN AND I LOVE THE INSTRUCTOR AND I LOVE THESE CLASSES AND I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW...

yes...that is me...each and every time...

I don't cry every time but sometimes during weights I want to...

and there have been a few times I wanted to throw those weights at the tiny human who is making us lift those weights as we pedal but then he/she smiles at me and I realize I don't want to hurt that pretty face and it's not his/her fault I am a weak old woman...

Yoga goes a little differently...there is a running conversation in my head but even though I am trying to focus on breathing my ADD gets in the way...

yoga is hard people...but it is even harder for ADD people...and Slow Flow yoga is almost unbearable because you have to hold the poses...

for like...

forever....

So me and yoga started out our relationship rather rockily.  The first two times I attempted yoga was at my old workout place.  I loved the sweet instructor to pieces but it was more mat pilates than yoga and the music was Enya and I was bored out of my mind.  I left both times midway through class.  So date #1 and date #2 were a total bust.  If yoga had been man there would not have been any more dates.

Date #3 with yoga...a workshop.  It wasn't a yoga workshop per se but yoga and a goal setting workshop.  My friend Anna Banana was teaching.  I love her so I thought "what the heck" and went.

I knew nothing.

If you are a Game of Thrones fan then just picture me as being Jon Snow and KNOWING NOTHING...

I sorta knew what downward dog was and that was about it.  But Beautiful Bhavin was there to help adjust us and I had KuteKara right behind me.  And there was this incredible woman next to me who was giving off so much great energy that it was contagious.  She's my Scottish Lassie I shall refer to as Jackie the Lionhearted.  Or how about just Jax...that'll do...And on the other side of my was AmazingAryani and she was flowing along beautifully and I kept looking at her to see what to do next...because I had no idea what any of the poses were other than down dog and warrior...

and I didn't realize there is more than one warrior...

Anyway they were flowing right along and I just followed...

and an hour passed and suddenly we were lying on the floor flat on our backs and I realized I didn't hate yoga....I had just been with the wrong yoga...

It's like my ex and me...he's a great guy but the wrong guy...I had tried the wrong yoga and THIS THIS THIS was the right stuff.  I wanted to date THIS yoga...not the other ones....THIS was the yoga match for me...

So I told my friend Magic Mike about it and he shared with me that he was studying to be a yoga instructor.  I promised to be at his first class.

what was I thinking?

I mean seriously WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I was committing myself to doing yoga again...what if that last time was just a freaky accident?

And then lo and behold the spin studio added a yoga studio and Magic Mike became an instructor and his first class was upon me.

So I took myself up to the studio and laid out a mat they loaned me.  The room is gently warmed by infra red heaters that send heat to your body but don't feel like Houston in August because it's not a hot wet heat...it's gentle...

So I sat down on the mat in that gently warmed room...

and...

I fell in love...

deeply and profoundly in love...

I cried when it was over...cried with pride for Magic Mike and cried with the knowledge I had found something I loved.

I wish I could find a man to love as easily as I found and fell in love with yoga.  It was a total accident...I wasn't looking to do it or up my fitness stuff but suddenly there it was and I loved the hell out of it.

So now that I have filled you in on all the boring background of how I found yoga and fell in love let me tell you how it is for me to DO yoga...

Trust me if I could sell seats to watch I would because I am sure it is hilarious to watch...like maybe I should be an example of how NOT to do yoga.

This is what I think I look like in yoga:




"I'm Sally O'Malley and I'm 50 years old!!!!!!" (that's what the video above is...)

Except that I am 51...

and yes, I am always pulling up my pants...

So here is me and yoga...for reals y'all.  What you read in italics are the thoughts that are racing through my head...

Class starts and we are quietly trying to focus our intention...

and my ADD gets raring to go...

and we are focusing on breath and setting intentions

and...

and then sure enough I suddenly feel the bobby pin in the back of my head that hasn't bothered me once in the last hour and a half but suddenly it is all consuming to move the bobby pin

Move the bobby pin!

Move the bobby pin!

no I'm setting an intention

move the bobby pin!

so I move the bobby pin

and I am back to the breathing and the intention

oh crap what's my intention...breath that's a good one...no maybe strength is better...is it a better intention? can you have a better intention?  which is better---breath or strength? Or maybe stretch?  Or maybe love...yes, love....oh crap we have moved on...

and suddenly we are in table top and doing the cat/cow things with our bellies and backs...

I feel like a combination of my heifer Henrietta and my cat Dragon...but sadly I am more heifer than sleek cat....

this is nice...focusing on breath...yes, that's my intention...breath....breathe in and breath out and breath in and breathe out and...

can we just stay here for a bit?

But now we move on and start our flow...

and we go into downward dog...where you put your hands and feet on the mat and basically make a triangle out of yourself

ahhhhhh.....that feels good...stretching the arms and back and oh this is nice

and why the hell are my thighs so huge

don't look at your thighs Anice look at your feet

damn I need a pedicure

and then we start our sun salutations and we move to the front of the mat and do forward folds and half lifts

and damn I really do need a pedicure

and now we reach up to mountain pose (basically just standing straight with hands over head) and everything hurts as I reach up and then we flow back down to forward fold

and damn I really do need a pedicure

and back up again and it all stops hurting and back down again and now we do our vinyasa flow where we get in plank and lower down and then arch back up in up dog...

except I have tennis elbow and it hurts so I just sort of play along with it and go straight back into downward dog where I look at my thighs and ankles again and swear no enchiladas for 6 months

then we start really flowing and we are lifting legs and doing lunges and I am very very grateful for the blocks

what are the blocks and why are they good?

well....

the blocks are hard foam bricks that you can use to help you reach the ground when you are old and stiff like me...think of them as extensions to your arms...

and since I have arms like a T-rex I need the extra length...not that my legs are supermodel long...

it's just that my arms are extra short...

So lunges and twists and poses happen and all the while I am thinking:

why does this hurt? because I am old...

why is this so hard? because I am old...

why am I sweating so much?  because I am fat...

and damn I need a pedicure

but as we are flowing other thoughts creep into my head:

I can do this!  I can do this!

wow that was pretty good I pretty much nailed that pose

yay I held that one second longer than yesterday 

I feel strong, powerful, and beautiful

ok so that last one is me being a cheerleader to myself but hey everyone needs a cheerleader...

then we sometimes go into these balancing poses...where you have to stand on one foot...

ok so all you young people please know that I am going to pat you on your little heads right now because you are siting there thinking "what?  standing on one foot is NO BIG DEAL!"  and as you read this you will probably check yourself and stand up and stand on one foot and place the other on your standing leg so you are like a tree and you are all smug thinking it's easy...

and for all you 50 year old and older peeps who just stood up and tried to do it and fell over...

YOU GET IT!!!!

because the older we get the more we lose our balance

if we didn't the "Help me I have fallen and I can't get up" ads on tv would not be so successful...

because when you age, you lose balance...

and so for me hitting the balancing poses is a struggle...

I fall

I fall

I fall

I fall

but I get right back up and do it again...

and all of that has paid of because I am getting better at it...practice makes it better and GoodGollyMissMolly and I had a class once where it was just her (the instructor) and me so we worked on the stuff I don't do well...

practice pays off

focus pays off

working through what you are bad at pays off

today I even stood on one leg and lifted the other up in my hand like I was some sort of jazz dancer and held that pose...

for a solid 3 seconds!

(It's the little things people...the little things..)

So I stand on one foot

and I fall over

and I stand up again on one foot

and I fall over

somewhere in there I do manage to sorta kinda maybe a little bit stay balanced but I'm far from the days when I could stand one one foot forever with the other leg held high or posed on my thigh...

and this is the dialogue in my head as I do balancing poses:

ok the wall is next to me so I am ok so lets do this and stand on one leg and now pick that foot up!  Pick that foot up!  You can do it---PICK YOUR DAMN FOOT UP!  Oh hell now I have fallen over so why the heck did I pick my damn foot up?

It goes on like that for some time...every time...

And then sometimes we do these stretches and the splits.

Yes I said the splits

I did one of my first yoga classes with my friend Sweet Sandra who I refer to as "Hot Tamale"...we were flowing along and splits time came and bam!  Boom!  that girl hit the splits like a high school cheerleader!  I was so impressed I almost hit the floor.  She did it on both legs.  And she stands there all cute and smiling after and says "I didn't know I could to the splits!"...she's so dang cute you just have to hug her sometimes...and yes she does the splits perfectly.

At 51 the last thing in the world I thought I could do was the splits but yesterday I did...I did the splits...with both legs...and GoodGollyMissMolly saw it...ok so maybe there was about and inch or so between me and the floor but I'm gonna say that was the splits for a 51 year old...

I like the stretchy part...and now that I can do the splits maybe I should call the Texans and see if they need a really really old and fluffy cheerleader...

Then comes the time when we lay down on the floor to stretch...

oh thank you sweet baby jesus in the manager we get to lay down and the ground feels so good to be laying on and not standing on one foot on the floor

and we do all these stretches that make me feel one of the following:
1) how did I lose my flexibility?
2) OMG OMG that feels so good
3) OMG OMG I have a cramp
4) I need a damn pedicure...

And then  the best part of class happens...

Savassanah

Corpse pose

(for non yogis it's just laying still on the floor with eyes closed and just letting yourself be totally utterly relaxed)

I have almost fallen asleep more than once...the music is soothing...there are candles...sometimes the beautiful instructor comes and gives you a little massage...

and sometimes I cry

actually I cry a lot

because it is...

BEAUTIFUL

and the practice of yoga is beautiful...

and if you are wondering why I keep saying the word "practice" it is NOT because it is some sort of "yoga girl" affectation (like Giada on Food Network and her overly pronounced Italian) but I call it a "practice" because it IS a practice...

that's what we do in yoga...we PRACTICE...

we work at our yoga...we grow in our yoga...we try things...we learn things...we expand...and you never ever are "finished" with yoga...there is always more...

So I guess I am a yoga girl...I literally crave time on the mat...I also feel out of balance when I have times I can't get to yoga...it really has helped me so much.

I work things out on the mat both with my body and my mind...

My soul is released and with each breath I find growth, self love, and joy

So if this rock-and-roll loving "let's go hard or not at all" spin-loving 51 year old fluffy woman can become a yoga girl I pretty much think anyone can...

If it's available to you I urge you to give it a try...share space with some humans and move...try things that you think you can't do and you might find you can...

And if yoga is not available I urge you try take 2016 as your year to try something new that scares you or seems very "out of the box" for you...

try ballet
try a barre class
try martial arts
try spinning
try pilates
try biking
try running
try weight lifting
try zumba
try a dance class
try Crossfit
try BodyPump or other Les Mills classes
try boxing

try YOGA

try ANYTHING

and don't be like me and quit after once or twice...I think there is some magic in that third try so don't walk away...

and who knows...maybe one day you will find yourself with your very own yoga mat flowing away in a studio and realize that you LOVE it...

I know I do...

Inspiration Song: "Yoga" by Janelle Monae...because Marvelous Mel played it in spin class one day to honor KuteKim because she was going to become a yoga instructor...and she did...and I love her classes...

I dedicate this blog to all my yoga instructors at Revolution, and to Anna Banana, and to all my friends who support my yoga habit...and to Mel for giving me the mat I stand so proudly on (because she knew I would never buy it for myself...)

Bye Darlings...you don't have to become a yoga girl...but give it a try...I'll see you on the mat...mine is pink and gives me power...




























Friday, January 1, 2016

Nearly Forgot my Broken Heart

Hellooooo Darlings!

It's been forever since I blogged...but it's January 1 and I usually try and take inventory of myself at this time of year...

2015 was pretty good to me...

HERE'S THE GOOD HAPPY JUICY STUFF THAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR TO ME:

My son got accepted to the college of his first (and only) choice...it's my alma mater and I'm so excited for him...he's going to be amazing there and love every minute of it like I did...

My daughter is still super happy at her school and is exploring new forms of making art...I love seeing all the things she comes up with and how she is exploring herself along with her art...she's turned into a very fine young woman and even though there are times she thinks I don't approve or am not supportive---I am...

My student team of costumers and the make-up team won an award for costuming at the local high school musical awards (I've not held on to anything so tightly as I did that block of glass since I had a baby in my arms).  I cried so many joyful tears that night and it was capped with getting to meet my idol Tommy Tune.  And in typical "Me fashion" I didn't even get to see the girls accept the award---I was backstage.  I almost didn't hear the announcement as I was hustling my "baby girl" (she calls me mom) out from the dressing rooms and I just happened to hear a list of names over the loudspeaker.  I told her as I was hustling her along "that's costumes" and she said "let's listen" and I said "oh no we have to get you out there" and then she stopped...to fix her shoe (I still think it was a ploy to make me stop) and then I heard them announce our school name...and I sank to the floor crying and laughing...I finally felt like God was confirming that I knew what I was doing and the fact that GOTT all along has told me I was good enough truly sank in at that moment.  I had so much joy that night and it's one I will never forget...and I love the fact that baby girl was with me at that moment because I love her so much and it was kind of strangely perfect...

I am very happily still living in my adorable Casa Bonita and I know I truly found the perfect place for me...I love this house more than any other I have owned...

My son's football team won the private school championship against all odds...literally! They had 3 starters out (including my son) who were all key players and the QB is actually going to play college baseball and stepped up because we desperately needed a QB...I don't think he had played full time QB since middle school...but the boys played with more heart than the other team and somehow they pulled off the upset of the season.

Marriage Equality was granted in this country.  I'm overjoyed about that.  Read my blog "Too Funky" to hear my thoughts...and if you aren't someone who supports that, try and open up your heart a crack and see if you can't stop hating it.  We had half a year where gay people could get married and fire and brimstone did not hail down upon us and Armageddon didn't happen (and thus we did not need Bruce Willis to save the day) and other than having to see Kim Davis on the news nothing bad happened...she was the bad...

And...

I fell deeply and profoundly in love...

with the practice of yoga (GOTCHA!  no man, just yoga).  It came as a total and complete surprise to me...if you had told me at this time last year that I would not just like yoga but LOVE yoga I would have told you that you were bonkers...there's a whole blog coming about that...

I am still in love with spinning and loved that the studio opened yet another location so I have even more options to sweat it out...Revolution Studio is more than just where I go to sweat...it's where I go to fuel my soul...

I met a great group of friends at the spin studio---we all quickly bonded and formed a little support and fun times group with each other...it's a diverse group of people and I think that's what makes it so much fun when we get together...I love them...

I have the sweetest group of students to work with at school...they are my little magical unicorns and I love them dearly.  I can't believe I get paid to do what I do...

And I got a second job doing something I really love---I get paid to write a cooking column in a local luxury lifestyle magazine!!!!  I love doing that so much....

I'm healthy...not perfect but healthy...

Now for the not-so-great stuff...

THE STUFF THAT SUCKED...

A dear friend lost her sweet 15 year old daughter in an accident in January...my heart still has not healed from that one...she was an amazing angel of a girl and I think she took a little piece of all of our hearts with her when she went to heaven.  I feel like we all have an amazing angel watching over and interceding for us.  I pray every day for her sweet family and I can't even imagine the pain they have been through this year.  We lose loved ones in our lives but this one cut deep...I can't imagine the pain of losing a child and getting up to face it each day (I have another friend who lost her daughter to cancer years ago and I admire her fortitude and even more so after this happened).  I see strength in her mom that makes me literally cry because she is such an incredible woman.  This beautiful child had so much to give this world and the only answer I can find as to why it happened is that God is going to continue to use her very powerfully in heaven and that her earthly work here was done for she touched so many lives and brought joy and love to many.  But I still struggle with it...and I love her family dearly...

My son tore his ACL in football practice.  It was a freak accident...he went one way and the knee went another.  When the Dr. texted me the results of the MRI and said the ACL was torn it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life when I informed my son that football and wrestling were over and he needed surgery.  He was in the hands of a highly skilled surgeon and that all went well but the heart healing has been harder.  He is an excellent wrestler and was really looking forward to his senior year season.  And it all got torn away in the blink of an eye.  His coach cried when he introduced him at the football banquet---he also had torn his ACL when in school.  My son's teammates really rallied around him and many told my son that they pushed extra hard in that championship game for him.  It's ben a lesson in grace and strength for him.  I'm proud of him that he still goes to the wrestling meets and cheers on his team...I know it has to be heartbreaking to watch and not be on the mat.  And for me, as his mom, watching my kid hurt from something I can't fix just plain sucks...

I have friends fighting cancer and that sucks too...

And a dear friend lost her mom to Alzheimers and yes that sucks a lot too...

And there were things that just made me bummed or disappointed:

I did not lose the weight I wanted to lose...in fact I probably gained it.  I spin and yoga all the time but I am living proof that at 51 your diet is more in control of your weight than your exercise is.   I like to eat and I like to eat good food...but I need a little less butter and beef and a little more fish and broth...so yeah salmon is going to happen---a lot....

I get insomnia a lot and the hot flashes are starting...WELCOME TO MENOPAUSE!!!!  SO GLAD TO MEET YOU!!!!! ---SAID NO WOMAN EVER!!!!!

Two of my friends who were new to my life this year but quickly became very important ended up moving on Dec. 27. They both had incredible opportunities they couldn't pass up so being single gals they sold their stuff and moved...to Minneapolis...and Singapore!  I'm saving my frequent flyer miles now...and I love them and miss them...

Facebook friends got hoaxed a few times...I'm not bummed they got hoaxed but rather that my newsfeed was filled with copy and paste things about Mark Zuckerberg giving away millions, or that FB was going to use my info improperly, or that I was going to get unfriended if I didn't copy and past some status about a disease...

Downton Abbey is about to end...

I still haven't seen Star Wars...

and then there is the little dream and hope I have every year at this time...the part where I say "next year I will not ring in the new year all by myself but will actually have someone to kiss on new years and not be alone"

well here we are 2016...

no man...

not even one on the horizon...

it seems that blue-eyed men with dimples who drive big-ass trucks and prefer rock to country and like working out and love red wine are in short supply...

I got all hopeful when Blake Shelton divorced that Miranda girl.  I mean how very perfect would that be?  I wouldn't have to change my name or my monogram!  I'm pretty sure he likes steak and I cook a good one.  I'm almost positive he drives a big-ass truck.  As for the country music stuff I guess I could take one for the team since it was his job but only for him.  But then it turns out he already had his next blonde picked out and frankly since I have a #girlcrush on Gwen Stefani myself I couldn't be mad at him...lol

I have loving and well meaning friends who tell me "he's coming but right now you have a son to raise!  That's where you need to spend your energy!!!!  Look for love after he goes to college!"

Dear Well Meaning Friend:
you are married...you have a partner to help you raise your child so you don't know what it would be like to be alone...you have no idea how lonely it can be at times...you don't know what it is like to have spent almost 5 years without love and if you add in the 5 loveless last years of marriage we can call it 10...my son is pretty much grown and I don't have to hire a babysitter for him so going out once in a while would not stunt his growth...
I love you but you have no idea what you are saying when you say that...

Single girls can chime in;...you married and "in love" people---you don't get a voice or vote unless you have been in my shoes and by my shoes I mean alone for 5 years with kids who are old enough to take care of themselves...

I've had other loving friends suggest online dating...

nope

nope

nope

tried it for a hot minute and here's what I found:
1) men my age want women who are 35-50.  If they say 35 they don't want 50
2) the men who want women my age are much older...and most are lying about their age.  I can tell if a guy is 70 and trying to pass off as 60...and if I don't want 60 I really don't want 70...
3) I could tell in a second if the guy was fat or bald or not aging well because the decor in the photo or the cell phone in his hand or the clothes he was wearing screamed "this photo was taken in 2002"
4) some people find it perfectly acceptable to be nasty and abusive if you politely say "thank you but you are not my type"
5) if I put down that I want a man 45-55 for some reason I am labeled a "cougar" but my ex can date a woman 15 years younger than him and it's perfectly acceptable...
6) if you live in Newark, NJ I am not interested in you...or Miami...or LA...I don't want to take a plane to see a man...
7) I had nutcases write to me to tell me that they were already in love with me based on my photos and profile and some super nuts that lived elsewhere and said they would move for me...it was creeeeeepy....

But mostly what bothered me was that I didn't feel comfortable meeting up with a stranger even in a very public place.  It seems unnatural for me and is too far out of my comfort zone.  I don't go hang out alone at sports bars or wine bars trying to catch guys either so it's going to be a little harder for me to find someone...and find someone who wants me...

I don't pass any judgement on any of you or your loved ones that have tried the online thing or are comfortable going places alone to meet people....it's just not ME...I won't judge anyone for finding love in that way...it's just not how I want to do it...

so yes, I am having a very large pity party for myself that I once again rang in the New Year with my son playing video games and the cat next to me on the couch....but at least I had Veuve Clicquot...

I'm tired of being alone...

This blog is often my therapy...so today is therapy...I don't have much wisdom to offer or anything great to say...I just needed to get my feelings out into the universe...

I know I have many blessings...

I know I have a lot to offer to others...

I try my best to put on a happy face and go places by myself when everyone else is coupled up...but it's getting really really old...and so am I...

I'm happy WITH myself...but I'm unhappy BY myself...

I know I have so much abundance in my life but it sure would be nice to have someone to share it with again.  I left my ex so we could both find someone else to be happy with....he has found someone he loves spending time with and who makes him happy...I'm glad for him but frankly I thought by now I would have too...

I try to start each year with a positive outlook...I try to look to the coming year with hope and joy and gratitude for what I have and not worry for what is to come...

But I'm gonna be super honest right now and say that's not how I am feeling...

I'm feeling fat, old, passed-over, undesirable, unwanted, and alone...

judge me if you will for my feelings but unless you are a singleton reading this and are struggling the same way please don't judge me...and if you are happily in a relationship don't think "what does she have to whine about?" unless you have been in my shoes at some point...

I've spent enough New Year's alone...

Next year I pray that I won't write this again...

thanks for bearing with me...I need to write more and next time will be more fun...today I needed pour my heart out...

Inspiration Song: "Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart" by Chris Cornell...lead singer for Soundgarden and Audioslave...raspy awesome voice that makes a lyric just a little more special...love him...and this song...

Bye Darlings...thank you for letting me pour my heart out...I'm going to take down the streamers and pop the balloons that are hanging around for this pity party and find myself back on track...but tonight I needed to blown the horn on this one...