Tuesday, December 20, 2016

The Lord Has a Will

Hi Darlings...

Oh the lovely indignities of cancer...and how it messes with you...

You think you have energy to do stuff and halfway through whatever you are doing you realize you are dead tired...no energy...

I have nosebleeds sometimes...one even happened at lunch the other day...

and then there is the pills and the meds...

I have so many things to take I had to get a special pill sorter just so I could keep them straight...they are all OTC kinds of supplements to help me with the side effects of the chemo...

And I have to inject myself with a blood thinner---yet another one of the lovely little indignities I get to suffer...and it is every 12 hours...

Yes, twice a day I get to jam a needle into my stomach and push a stinging medication into it.

Have I mentioned that I really really hate needles?

Well, I do...needles are terrible.

But so are blood clots so I guess I am sticking myself with the needles until 28 days post surgery are up...

I had to leave work the other day because I could feel myself feeling awful...

I was warned I was doing too much...and I guess I was...

But you see, I have ADD so one of two things happens:
1) I get restless and have to get out and do stuff
or
2) I don't listen or pay attention when people tell me to slow down

BOTH happened...

And so I went home that day and I just sat in my bed and sighed like some sad little toddler that had her favorite toy taken away.

I GET IT

I HAVE CANCER

AND I JUST HAD MAJOR SURGERY

I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING

But in my head I can...

just like in my head I am a size 6 with no wrinkles and slim thighs...

I still am struggling with believing that growing inside my body are cancer cells who have the intent on growing and spreading and killing me...

why couldn't they have all been nicely contained in the uterine package?

But no...I have to have special unicorn princess cancer that is strange and seems to have changed (the first pathology found one type, the second batch of pathology another)

I get up most days and forget about it until I have to jab the needle into my belly...but that's really just about my surgery and not the cancer

But then little things jolt me back into the very ugly reality I am in and I get smacked in the face with the cancer stuff...

Like yesterday---I got to go and get another CT scan...

And then today I got my port put in so that I don't get jammed with iv needles all the time.

And then Friday is the first round of 6 chemo infusions.

So.many.doctor.things.

The contrast for the CT gave me terrible itching and hives so at 4am this morning I was scratching like I had been rolled in burlap and thrown into a pile of hay.  I took Benadryl and it helped but I went into today's little surgery to put the port in quite tired.

The port didn't hurt too bad, just for a few minutes while the doc numbed the site...and I had hoped to sleep a bit while it was done but noooooo

I had to end up with the doctor who decides to chat the whole time...

I finally found someone who talks more than me!

So now I am itchy and tired...and it hurts where the port is...

and oh...it is sooooooo annoying...

So yeah I have all this cancer stuff...

so let's just add to it...

Let's throw in....

drumroll please...

MENOPAUSE

which has come into my life like some sort of jet landing on a carrier...

BAM

here's the hot flashes coming fast and furious!!!!!!

The other day my sweet friend NursePhyllis stopped by with an awesome gift: a cool gel pillow for my hot little head.

That should also help with the hair loss prevention...

It's a wonderful pillow and I have slept better with it.

I'm hot all the time, even with this cold blast, so it is a gift from heaven.

And yeah, I am the girl who is now gonna be in short sleeves while everyone else is huddled in jackets...

And my appetite is off...and I haven't even had my first dose of chemo...

But I am bound and determined that I am going to have a good holiday and I am going to get my work done and I am gonna still live my life.

I even signed up for a take 30 classes in 45 days at my beloved Revolution Studio as a way to make sure that as long as I feel up to it, I will hit the bike or mat.  I might not be the fierce front row warrior that I used to be but if I can just get on the bike and pedal or move through a flow I will feel like myself again...just a bit...

I am trying to do something each day that makes me move forward instead of freezing in place...

But right now I am so very tired...and I hurt...and it just feels like I am looking up a very high mountain that I have to climb...

But when I have these moments it literally bring me to my knees...

because of fear

because of pain

because of the loss of control

because of the damn cancer

I remember that I am a child of God...and that He knows every tear I will shed...every hair on my head that I may or may not lose...every ache and itch...He knows...

and it's not for naught...

Because He will guide my doctors to heal me...

and my faith in Him and my friends faith in His power to heal me will get me through...

I know some of you are not Christians or Jews...some may believe and some may not...

It doesn't matter to me if you do or don't because my job is not to make people believe or to judge if  you do...

But I do believe...

I have to...

Because I need to know that there is a reason for all of this pain and fear...and that He will use me to do something good in this world...

it might be to get women to see a doctor...

or to show strength when I feel I have none...

or to inspire in some way...

or maybe just the words in my blog will resonate with someone...

I don't know what it is, but I know it's something...

I know I will be living proof of faith and healing...

I will conquer this to show not that I am great but that He is...

and that my doctors know how to take me and fix me...

And when it is all done...

and I am at rest and blessed that it will be good...

So despite all my tears and complaints and fussing and anger I know that there is a purpose to all of this and I just have to follow it through...

The Lord has a will...

And I will follow...

Inspiration song: "The Lord has a Will" by Amy Grant...Her first album was one I played and sang to over and over in high school.  I even learned sign language to this song.  And I turn to her music once again to let her sweet voice carry me through the hills and valleys of fear and pain and to find peace in the music...yeah it's not Beyonce...there are times and places for Bey but right now I just need Amy...

Here are the words:

I need you Lord, in all I do.
You're always there to see me through.
I can't get by unless I lean on you, Lord.
The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.
Your law of love is in my heart.
You wrote it there, it won't depart.
It lights my way, and keeps me out of the dark.
The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.
I thank you, Lord. Your word is sown
into my life, and there it's grown.
It's roots go deep where living waters are known.
The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.

Bye Darlings...it's been a rough couple of days...but now I will find that rest and stillness...and allow the healing to start...





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