Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I'm Not Ready to Make Nice

Hello Darlings...

As I start writing this blog my "sister wife" aka GOTTESS is having her colonoscopy.

You see, GOTTESS is a cancer survivor too...she kicked colon cancer in the ass...and she was just a wee little nugget of a woman when she did...

She came to visit me yesterday and we talked about how her cancer had changed her life as well.

You can't live through cancer and not have it change you.

I love the fact that God has provided me with a sister wife that I love as much as I love my work hubby.  I would be friends with her even if I didn't know and love him.  And we have so many similarities and soon I can add "cancer survivor" to that list.

As she was waiting for her procedure she posted a photo of herself urging friends on social media to have their colonoscopies and getting their checkups.

We are making our "mess" our "message" because we don't want one more person to not get the care and help we have received.

You have to be proactive about these things...and trust me I am going to be yelling from the rooftops for the rest of my days for my friends and loved ones to have their checkups, mammograms, and colonoscopies.

Your doctor can't save you if you don't save yourself by going in...

I've had a lot of time to think about things as I lay around trying to heal.

Some of my thinking is fuzzy because of the painkillers but for the most part my thoughts are pretty clear...just the occasional "riding a unicorn in a shower of glitter" dream to cloud things up (but hey that happens without Oxycontin in my world).

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the cancer part of all of this.

In my head I had a simple hysterectomy but the reality is, it was much much more than that.

She took out cancer along with my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and cervix and several lymph nodes.

There is now an empty space where my womb used to be.

A womb that served me well...it gave me two beautiful children and two heavenly babies that I never met because one was ectopic and the other I lost to miscarriage.

Over the years that same womb ruined countless pairs of cute Victoria's secret panties, spoiled my fun at events because it decided to be a be-yatch and cramp, and basically reminded me on a monthly basis that I was a woman.

But now there is a blank space and my insides are re-arranging to fill in that place and find a new normal down there.

And that hurts...and ruins my sleep.

And now that menopause I was promised?

Yeah, it seems to be deciding to come out and play a bit...

I have had some hot flashes and emotional moments.

Not too bad but they are there.

I was ready for a hysterectomy...or thought I was...but now I have so many questions about all of it and frankly I am super duper pissed off that it came at the price of cancer.

I'll know more about the status of that cancer on Friday when I see my surgeon/oncologist but for now it's all just a big unknown where every ache I feel I worry is more cancer and the thought of losing my hair and having chemo makes me burst into tears.

I had gone into this year with such hope...my son was going to graduate and I was going to finally have some time to maybe find someone to enjoy spending time with.  And mostly I had planned to find out who I was as a 52 year old single woman...but I also had hoped someone would be around to take me to dinner...

you know---the blue eyed man with dimples who drives a big ass truck and brings me lilies and won't make me listen to country music?

that elusive man?

yeah...no sight of him...

not even a glimpse...

So here I will go into 2017 alone again...with cancer...with possibly losing my hair...

I will enter 2017 as a Teletubby...

and that will make me a super hot commodity.

It's a lot easier to face these kinds of things when you have a loved one to share the burden...to tell you that you are still beautiful when you are puffed up after surgery...to kiss you and tell you it's all better.

the cats aren't so great at that...

So yeah...I'm a little bitter and pissed off...

no man

and

cancer

that's just magic...

I"m sure they will all be lining up for me in the future...the fat girl with no hair that might die...

and please....please don't tell me:
he's out there!
this is how God is getting you ready!
some amazing man will be there for you when this is over
you need to focus on getting well...you will find someone in the future

So don't say it...

just.don't.say.it.

Because I was told by many a friend that I was gonna find that elusive man once I raised my son and sent him off

But instead

I

got

cancer

Do I sound bitter?

I am...

not gonna lie...

I'm having a hard as hell time right now with the emotional and psychological parts of this (please do not give me the name of a therapist...please) and please don't tell me stories of how your friends have gotten through this

because right now I have a right to be pissed off...

I have a right to cry...

to scream...

to throw things...

to be scared...

to just hate what is happening to me...

and unless it is happened to you, you have no idea what it is like...

and unless you have faced this battle alone without a partner you really don't know how lonely it is...

It's a bitch...

I've always used this blog as therapy.  I'm an open book on it.  It helps me release a lot of junk.

And today I am mad as hell

and I am scared to death

and I really really question what more is ahead to surprise me in this life to test my will and spirit

Because today I'm not broken...I'm just mad as hell

And today I am not ready to put on my happy cancer face that says I can do all of this with a smile on my face and get through it with a lot of glitter and sparkles.

I'm not that girl today...

I'm the girl who is scared to die...pissed that I am missing out on my life right now...I miss my children...I miss my students...I miss my job....I miss my workouts...I miss what my life was a month ago....

before the cancer

before the fear....

and today I just really need to get to be pissed off about it...

and maybe tomorrow too...

I don't know when I will feel like being a cheerleader in my own life again...

I just don't know...

But I do know that I will fight like hell to get it all back

Inspiration Song: "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks...because Natalie Maines is helping me feel pissed off in a good way...

Bye Darlings...sorry for all the anger but I don't hide my shit...and this is how I feel today...



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