Thursday, June 17, 2010

Where You Goin Now?

When Ke$ha Barbie (my daughter) was born I realized fully what true love was. I couldn't get over what an amazing miracle she was and how every little thing about her was...AMAZING. She was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I marveled at everything she did. I loved watching her become more aware each day---although I think she was born fully aware as she came out, eyes wide open, looking at all of us in the delivery room and then she wailed to let us know she was HERE!!!

I didn't think I could love anything as much as I loved her until I had The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) and then I realized that what my dad told me was true---you don't divide your love among your children, you multiply it. He would know---he had 9 children. That's a lot of multiplication (pun intended)...

So I have TCBITW and the same things amaze me...it's a new experience with every child...

Somewhere in your "new parent" brain you begin to want them to achieve milestones. We get so excited when they can finally sit up...then pull up...then walk while holding onto something...and then...they walk...and they keep going...

They grow...and they take on more milestones...going to school, riding a bike, bathing and dressing themselves (not necessarily in the order I have written these milestones...and I'm not sure that my son has totaly managed the dressing part).

And then comes the really scary stuff...teenage years...and

DRIVING

I remember several years ago when a friend called me and she was so excited because her son (a PERFECT child that I would happily take on as my own) had driven himself to the orthodontist. She was really excited that she didn't have to go to MHS to pick him up and deposit him at Mizell's office and then return him. He did it himself. He even called before leaving the office to see if it would be ok if he stopped at Whataburger to pick up lunch so he didn't have to suffer the cafeteria that day (she said yes...). I told her that I was happy for her but was terrified at the prospect of Ke$ha Barbie behind the wheel...and running loose all over town.

But the time came and Ke$ha Barbie is now 16 1/2 years old and she is driving.

She wanted a truck...a big truck. We were lucky that a friend of ours had been sent to work in Australia for a few years so he sold us his 5-year-old Ford F-150 double-cab copper colored truck. Folks, this is a BIG truck! With a great stereo system (since Daddy's Princess needs good music to listen to while driving).

My father had a Chevrolet/Olds/Buick dealership for years...we never owned a Ford truck...he is rolling in his grave...

The truck is huge...or at least if feels like it to me...but I am glad for all the metal around her.

I drove it once and had 2 friends in the truck with me...one of them sat in the backseat and looked for hidden bottles of---whatever---since he has almost the exact same truck and knows the hiding places (and he found NOTHING! except a plastic dinosaur...I have no idea why). My other friend sat in the front and played with the seat trying to get comfortable (since for some inexplicable reason teenagers pull the seats all the way up and then L-E-A-N them back). That guy drives a Honda...he complained he was losing brain cells from the altitude and "Bubbaness" of it all (which was a dig at the other guy since he drives...almost the same truck). It was like having 2 toddlers in the car...one of them messing with the seat and the other playing with all the stuff...thank goodness the ride wasn't a long one...I will not be driving them to San Antonio anytime soon...

But I like the truck...even if it is a Ford...

So now Ke$ha Barbie is mobile. She has wheels. And she gets around...

And I am always asking her: "where you goin now?"...

I liked it better when she was learning to walk...this driving stuff is killing me. Although I am glad I no longer have to deposit her in West U all the time...

She drives herself to work (she is a restaurant hostess). She drives herself to her friend's houses. We limit the night driving and I don't let her drive and park downtown. But other than that, she is pretty mobile.

She's going...going...and soon will be...GONE....all too soon...all too fast...

I don't "go" so much...I go to the gym and to the school and to the store. That's about it. I can make a tank of gas go pretty far since I seem to exist in a 5 mile radius from my house. My suburban is almost 7 years old...I'm not getting rid of it anytime soon because I don't put too many miles on it. Ke$ha Barbie be-bops about town like a bee visiting flowers...

So all of this got me thinking about "going" and where am I going with my committment to live healthier and get myself into shape.

I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal weight but it will take me a year to get to the finish line...I have a lot to lose.

I had an emotional set-back yesterday...I went shopping for shorts. That is not fun unless you are a size 6 or less. I'm not a 6...far from it. I tried on and found a pair of shorts but tried on some other things and just looked at myself in the mirror and all I saw was a big fat woman staring back at me. And I got depressed that I had let myself get so far and out of shape that THIS, what I was seeing in the mirror that moment, was actually in IMPROVEMENT of what I had been.

In my mind I am a tiny thing...all in-shape and looking great. But the mirror (and the scale) doesn't lie and I am not. My inner skinny chick is fighting to get out and be seen but she has a lot to get through before she appears to everyone else.

So it is really, really depressing to look in the mirror and be...disappointed...frustrated...unhappy with your reflection...sad...

And to have worked so hard but see so little difference.

Friends tell me I am looking great but I don't see it. I see my big fat self. I know they are being encouraging because they love me and want me to continue...but I don't look great. I just look a little better.

I came home sad and depressed.

I looked at the Oreos that my husband had (stupidly) bought. I'm not happy with him for that purchase. He has more weight to lose than me.

I did not eat the Oreos.

I did, however, pour myself a glass of wine. Less calories. No fat. Better for me. Red wine for my heart (that's what I told myself).

I realized that I had to look at where I was going...what was my path. Where was it taking me? Was I on the righ path?

Because right then, in that dressing room of the Fat Chick store, it sure didn't feel like it...and I was ready to go eat ice cream and chicken friend steak and Houston's french fries...

But I didn't.

I drank the wine.

I spent some time internally storming with myself.

Why did I let myself get so far gone?

I used to be attractive...or at least not UNATTRACTIVE...but right then I felt like a big old blob of ugly.

It's amazing that something like trying on a few clothes could set you back so far...

My thighs are huge. I have a big belly (like I'm 9 months pregnant). I have thick calves. My butt is enormous.

All I saw was...FAT...

I really wanted to give up.

But somewhere, with my judgement either clarified or clouded by the 4 ounces of wine (I measured), I thought....

Where are you going with this?

It's going to be a journey...a long journey...and even though I would really love instant results and a plastic surgeon who could just sculpt my body and get it over with quicker, I NEED the journey...

I need to go through this...

I need to work hard and appreciate how hard I am working to get to my goal...

I need to be grateful that God gave me a body that I can re-sculpt myself...and that I didn't end up with diabetes...that my body was going to bounce back...but I still might need a little nip and tuck to get it right at the end since I know that all the skin I grew to surround my little fat self isn't going to just disappear.

I hear tummy tucks really hurt...maybe that will keep me thin...

So I decided that as frustrated as I was with myself---and I had a lot of self-loathing last night---that I needed to stay on my path and keep going.

So I got up this morning and did my hour on the elliptical. And I had a training session with Fitness Goddess.

And I ate healthy again today...

And I going...down a very long road...

So when I was playing iPod roulette today "Where You Goin Now" by Damn Yankees came on. Now I do love me some late 80's/early 90's power rock ballads by "super bands" like Damn Yankees. Tommy Shaw (Styx), Jack Blades (Night Ranger) and Ted Nugent (I don't have to explain him, do I?) wrote a great song...and I love all the guitar and the vocals...

It's the chorus that I really love:

Where you going now?
when your world's turned inside out
isn't love what it's all about?
where you going now?
when you get to the top of the hill
gonna be there yes I will

So there you have it...I had a breakdown yesterday and Ted Nugent helped me get through...sort of...how trippy is that?

Because I'm on this journey and I have so many of you on it with me...and you are there for me when my world is turned inside out...because that IS what love is all about...

And you will be at the top of the hill...and I will too...

"Where You Goin Now"...Damn Yankees...

bye darlings...

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