Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Teenage Daughters

Is it ok to hate your teenage daughter?

Maybe hate is too strong a word...or maybe it isn't...

Right now I can honestly say that I don't like Ke$ha Barbie very much.


I have promised her that I won't reveal too much personal stuff on my blog about her...but I can tell you without revealing too much that I honestly think she is crazy.

Or maybe it's me.

Or maybe it is just a teenage girl and her mother.

Or maybe it is the full moon...cause there is a full moon right now.

I have referred to her many times as:
She Who Must Not be Named
The Devil that Lives Upstairs
The Reason for My Insanity
God's Punishment for Me
The Evil One

Harsh I know...but all deserved names for a teenage girl.

I have a friend who is raising his 3 girls by himself.

I take pity on the poor man.

I listen to him as he tells me why he thinks he might go nuts before he gets the last one out of the house.

She just turned 13 last week...he has a long way to go.

While we were having a conversation last week he got calls from all 3 of them...the oldest tried to pick a fight, the middle one was his happy place and the youngest wanted Daddy to come home---NOW

Poor baby...

He told me he head a terrible headache...I told him that was because he had 3 daughters...

And then I told him he was a great Daddy and doing a great job and to take a deep breath and one day he was going to miss them terribly.

And then I offered him Ke$ha Barbie in exchange for all 3.

He didn't take that offer...and I know he would have given her back in 10 minutes and begged to have his 3 back.

Today when I saw him I complained that Ke$ha Barbie had pushed me to my limit.

He said "Really? Well last night my foot was about to meet one of my girl's rear end so I could kick her across the room!"

I told him I knew he didn't/wouldn't do that and he said "Nah...but I sure wanted to!"

I reminded him that it was a full moon...that is when werewolves come out.

Teenage girls are werewolves...they change before your eyes and turn from a meek human into something evil and dangerous.

And it doesn't always take a full moon...but it does seem to make it worse.

He and I often compare notes on the girls. He often says to me that his youngest "hates him".

Truth be told...they all say that...

Truth be told he is a great man and a wonderful father and there is no way she hates him...

Like all teenage girls she just says that to hurt him.

And it does...

Because there is no greater pain to a parent than to think that our child hates us.

I remember watching "Finding Nemo" and there is a scene where little Nemo tells Marlin (the daddy fish) that he hates him.

I cried.

And realized that at some point almost all children will say that to their parent.

I think I told my mother that I hated her about 628 times...or maybe it was 629...I lost count.

I also thought she was the stupidest, dumbest, most ignorant, idiotic, and craziest person I knew...that was when I was a teenager.

Once I grew up and became an adult I thought she was the smartest and most wonderful woman in the world and she was my best friend.

And I miss her every single day.

Especially when Ke$ha Barbie is living up to the title of "Satan".

Oh yeah...I forgot that name on the list...she is very often Satan...

And I am sure my mother would inform me that I was also Satan...quite often...

When my father had a heart attack he had to have an angiogram. The doctor came out of the room and talked to my sister and me. He told us that he had Daddy on a lot of drugs to make him comfortable for the procedure...and that my father informed him that he had 9 children---7 of which were girls...and at that time 4 of the 7 were teenagers.

He asked us if that was true or just the drugs talking.

We confirmed that it was correct...indeed there were 9 of us and 7 were girls.

The doctor then looks us dead in the eye and says "well that explains it...any man with 7 daughters is going to have a heart attack at some point!"

So today when I saw my friend at the gym and we were exchanging "my daughter is the devil because..." stories I told him "isn't it great that we are working out? Cause it is too early to go to the bar..."

I literally rode off my argument with Ke$ha Barbie from the night before...and burned 400 calories doing it with the help of the spin bike and some rock and roll.

I did confess to him that the night before I had a martini...well, make that 2...and some wine...

yeah, it was one of "THOSE" fights...and I thank God for the fact that I had Stoli in the house.

Now lest you think I drink my troubles away, I can assure you that as the daughter of an alcoholic mother I do not drink to relieve my troubles.

Or at least I don't make a practice of it...

But when the moon is full and your daughter turns into a werewolf before your very eyes, well let me tell you...this is no episode of "True Blood" or a "Twilight" movie...there were no vampires around to vanquish the werewolves...

So I had to use the next best thing...Stoli

Cause like the wicked witch of the west...when you pour water on me I will melt...or in this case you pour Stoli down my throat my anger melts.

My goal is NOT to become an alcoholic before she leaves for college. I told my friend his goal should be the same. Of course his drug of choice is Crown Royal so at least I don't have to fight him for the last of the vodka when we are at the bar together comparing whose daughter became more like Satan that day.

Cause I would totally win if there was a fight for the vodka...

He may be taller and stronger but I am pretty sure I could leap over the bar faster than him...but like I said, he likes another liquor...which I am grateful for...because he is very nice and quite pretty but that doesn't matter when Mama has had a bad day with the Devil that Lives Upstairs...

And if they run out of Stoli I will wrestle him for the Crown...

And I will win...

Because although I am a woman...I do remember how to behave like a teenage girl...and all I will have to do is look at him and start crying...

He will give me anything I want at that moment...even the last of the liquor at the bar...

Actually that might be a good plan for controlling a man in general...just behave like a teenage girl...

I can pout, cry, fuss, whine, and flip like a switch...because at 47 I can easily remember back 30 years to how to behave like a fussy teenage girl.

You can call me SATAN...

Nah...I'd rather be a man's Angel any day than the devil that plagues him...I am a grownup after all...and I want a grown up who will help me vanquish Beelzebub and I can help him conquer his demons (teenage girls) should he have any...

And if that doesn't work I can just go and get some Holy Water...

Mine is called "Stolichnaya"

It doesn't work on the girls but it does help the parents.

Inspiration Song: "Teenage Daughters" by Martina McBride...Je T'aime Jamie played it for me and told me it reminded her of me...I totally get it...

here is a lyric sample:

I ain't complainin', but I'm tired
So I'm just sayin' what I think
And if we're being honest
Then honestly I think I need a drink...

Bye Darlings...I'm sure Ke$ha Barbie will turn back into a lovely girl someday...but I might kill her before it happens...pray for us to survive until she is safely at college...

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