Provocative little title, no?
As I drove home from church the other day I had my iPod on "shuffle" and "I Do Not Hook Up" came on...
I thought it was VERY appropriate as I had just heard the last sermon in the LSD (Love, Sex, and Dating) series at church at The Bridge Fellowship in Sugarland.
I will always love JayVee for telling me I should come to church with her a few weeks ago. She and "The Hunk" (her hubby) brought me with them to experience what Pastor Kenny and Pastor Scott had to say about love, sex, and dating in these days and times...and how God comes into play with all of it.
At the bottom of this blog I will post a link to the audio of the sermons if you want to listen for yourself. I suggest you listen to all 4...take the time to do it...and do it in order.
So once again I sat in church and took notes...and God spoke to my heart.
It wasn't that I had plans to go out and become some man magnet (or a cougar!) that suddenly was seeing all kinds of men to try them on for size...ok, so that sounded wrong...but rather see what "kind" of man I fit with...
Um, no...I have a pretty good idea of what WILL and WON'T work for me.
has a job
likes to hold hands...especially when walking together
is affectionate...cuddles...likes to kiss and hold me...even when we are just watching tv
will watch Modern Family with me...but does NOT have to watch Glee or Project Runway
always walks me to my car when we are not driving somewhere together
tells me I'm pretty
brings me lilies but not roses (even though sometimes I like to SMELL like a rose)
tells me I'm sexy
tells me I smell good
in other words...COMPLIMENTS ME!!!!!!
puts our kids first (meaning if he has kids, they and my kids come first...not our own desires)
likes to workout...and maybe will do it with me
TALKS to me...tells me his feelings and frustrations
Will come cook with me or talk to me while I cook
likes my cooking
is tall enough that I can wear scary heels
will drink red wine with me
has friends to have "boys night" with so I can have "girls night"
does little caring things---I'm more touched by someone making a phone call or doing research on my behalf than the flowers to tell you the truth...but i like the flowers too...
DRIVES A BIG ASS TRUCK
What won't work?
has no job
doesn't compliment me
thinks hunting and fishing are more important than spending time with me (but can go occasionally...cause I need some 'alone" time too)
only drinks white wine
sits on the couch and watches sports while I cook
plays golf (yeah, that is just not gonna work for me)
picks me up for a date and says nothing about how I look
won't hold my hand or cuddle me (I'm like a puppy...I need affection)
watches tv instead of talking to me
watches tv in bed and won't turn it off when it is time to go to sleep
turns the tv on in the middle of the night
doesn't bring me flowers unless he "has to" (like an anniversary)
sends me to my car alone
yeah...I've learned a few things...
I'd like a guy age 43-51 or so...can have kids (I like kids so that is GOOD), doesn't smoke, takes care of himself, doesn't drink too much (but enjoys that glass of red wine with me)...blue eyes...I like guys with dark hair but it can be graying (in a sexy way) but blonde is good too...a nice smile goes a long way with me...long legs...tall (but not too tall as I am short)...a gentleman...
So I've said all of that before...why say it again?
Because I want to answer the question that the pastors at church asked of me (us):
ARE YOU THE PERSON THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS LOOKING FOR?
So I have to be worthy of the lily-bearing, tall, blue-eyed, sexy, great smile, affectionate, tall dad that remembers when MTV played music videos and drives a big ass truck.
I think that kind of guy would like a tiny petite blonde who is obsessed with spinning and smells like Angel and loves to cook and cuddle...and snorts when she laughs (ok, I can't fix that one to save my life).
Now that all being said, Pastor Scott reminded me of something very important: the "right person" myth...
That if you just find that one right person then everything will be alright...
That will never happen. My mother never "got" that...she always believed that someone else could make everything better for her.
I was talking to a friend the other day...we were talking about our kids, and relationships...and I told him that NO ONE can make another person happy. They can bring you joy and bring joy to your life, but NO ONE PERSON CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.
He liked that...and he listened.
I told him my kids bring me great joy all the time...and some pain...pain when I see them make a mistake, or when they are hurt, or on the rare occasion that they hurt me (although when Ke$ha Barbie is Satan she is very hurtful). And that your love or lover can bring you great joy but no lover, partner, or spouse can make you happy.
You have to find that happiness within yourself.
I found that happiness...
I took a good look at myself and re-introduced Anice to Anice...
Basically I said "Anice...please meet the REAL Anice...the one you have always wanted to be"...
I like her just fine.
She's not perfect...thank goodness...and she challenges me daily...but I like Anice just fine.
So I'm not looking for that "right person" to make me happy because she already has...but I would like to find someone who brings me joy and bring joy to...
As Pastor Scott said, "don't look for the right person...BECOME that right person...so that you can be the person that you are looking for is looking for".
And then he went on to say some more very profound things...he talked about being prepared for when that person comes into your life.
I liked this: "Promises are no substitute for preparation"
You know, like you can't just say "tomorrow I'm going to run a marathon" unless you have been training for months. You just can't...unless you are Forrest Gump.
So right now, while I am "alone" and not dating anyone, I am preparing...I'm working on me. Not just my body...but things about myself that I need to examine. And I'm learning from my past...
because...and this is another little gem from Pastor Scott:
My PRESENT will become my PAST but will likely affect my FuTURE...
"the paths we choose override the promises we make"
You see why I loved this sermon series at church so much? Good stuff...good stuff...
and this applies to everything...not just dating and romantic relationships...
Pastor Scott said "you lose your mind when you fall in love"...and we do...we do crazy things.
Heck, look at my love affair with chipsndip...I mean that little romance totally kicked me in the patootie...literally...I knew better than to eat that...knew it...but I did it anyway because I wanted it sooooo much.
I don't want to be that way with a man.
I don't want to lose my mind and lose myself...or at least not in the wrong kind of "lose myself".
It's ok to lose yourself to love and to lose yourself to your lover...that giving up a part of yourself for another is a good thing. Be it a mom who loses control of her body when she is pregnant, or someone who gives up a body part for a transplant...or to lose ourselves to the pleasures of loving someone else...but that is physical...not LOSING YOUR MIND...
you don't want to lose your mind...
So I spend time praying about what went wrong with ME in my marriage and past relationships. And what I can do that is POSSIBLE to change.
We can fool ourselves and say we can change...and sometimes we can...my body is proof of that. But the changing of our hearts, our minds, our emotions is much harder.
I know things about myself now...things I know I can't change...
I can't change:
that I like physical intimacy (like cuddling and hand holding)
that I need applause to live just like Tinkerbell (so I need to be told compliments)
that I can't help but be a caretaker
that I need to hear loving affirmations...a lot
that I need to be TOLD I am loved...I gotta hear it...a lot
that small gestures mean a lot more to me than grand gestures...and I need the small gestures
that I need to be with someone who makes me laugh
that I resent being made to feel like I am not as smart as I really am
I need to sleep in a cold dark cave without light and sound
that I will never enjoy watching sports or planning my life around sporting events...except for those of my children...otherwise I resent it...don't tell me we can't do something because the Cowboys are playing a preseason game....save that for the Super Bowl (as if...)
I don't expect people to do things for me but I resent if I give and give and never get anything in return from someone
I have a quick temper but one word of apology or an attempt from the other person to work it out and I"m good and over it
I don't sleep well if I'm angry
My feelings get hurt easily
I'd rather talk things out than just let it go and ignore it
So knowing those things about myself helps me to find that person who I can enjoy being with and get joy from...and to know what NOT to settle for or ignore in that person...or I will end up resenting him...
And I don't want to make compromises...I mean, you have to make some compromises (ok,we can go to the movie LATER so you can watch the Cowboys), but I won't compromise on the big things.
Pastor Scott also said:
If you attempt to build intimacy with a person without doing the hard work on yourself it will only be an attempt to fill an empty hole in your heart.
Well said, Scott, well said...
I don't want to just have a hot and heavy romance with someone. I want a real relationship. One based on friendship, mutual attraction, and an enjoyment of being with each other. I want my heart to skip a beat when he walks into the room. I want to think he is the hottest guy alive. I want butterflies but not because he's a hot sexy guy but because he makes me feel so special.
So I'm doing the hard work on myself.
I spend a lot of time on the spin bike thinking about things...my kids, my work, everyone else's kids, and about myself. I talk to God on the bike. I ask for His help. And I thank Him for His help.
And then he sends in Hot Guy to chat me up and spend a little time pouring out his troubles and frustrations to me and I just spin the bike and listen and tell him what I know...
We are moving at the speed of a...sloth...or glacier...
But that's ok...I do not hook up...I go slow...and I want to get to know someone before I say "you can pick me up at 7:00...".
After all, I am a mom...I have responsibilities to myself...my children...my morals...
And I am a TREASURE worth having...not just because I'm a cute little thing (yes, I am vain enough to think I'm a cute little thing) but I'm a heck of a cook, a gracious date, a lady who you can proudly take home to mama, and, as KuteKaren's daughter SuperSarah says "fun in a box". Some man will be lucky to pick me up in his big ass truck and squire me about town.
But he has to earn that right by getting to know me and respect me.
Because I will be the person he is looking to be with...
OK, here's the link to the sermon series...I urge you to take the time to listen!!!!
Really...do it...take the time...make the effort...
Inspiration Song: "I Do Not Hook Up" by Kelly Clarkson...because:
Oh sweetheart, put the bottle down
You've got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There's a cure you've found it
Slow motion sparks
You caught that chill
Now don't deny it
But boys will be boys
Oh yes they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me
If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I go slow
So if you want me
I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand
And your heart on your sleeve
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try
The harder I'll fight
To say ... Goodnight
Bye Darlings...do as the Pastors say...work on yourself...then you can be worthy of others...be it your husband, your lover, your friends...