Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Feel Good Time

Today we had a Dimples bootcamp...I had 7 mamas there (including me)...we had fun...

The weather was...perfect! Just the reason we live in Texas...it was about 65 degrees (very comfortable) and sunny. Like I said...just the reason why we like to live in Texas.

He (Dimples) divided us into 2 groups and we all did squats, push-ups, leg thrusts, step-ups, and pulled each other with resistance bands.

Seriously, it was fun!

We were all a little sore from Monday's bootcamp (and me a bit from yesterday's yowza extravaganza with the push ups on the barbells) so it was good to get the kinks out.

But right now...I'm a hurtin'

Sore...

Tired...

Ready for a nice long soak in the tub...a tub full of epsom salts (and lavender) with the whirlpool going.

I plan to basically LIVE in the bath for the next few hours...

It's not that what I did today was any worse than what I usually do, it is just that I'm training my body to do things it usually doesn't WANT to do.

And it is working...

the scale bar...sliding down...

a skirt I wore last fall...sliding down my hips...too big...

a skirt I thought I would wear on Friday when I teach...fit 3 weeks ago and is now too big.

Love it

Love it

Love it

Love Dimples...yes, I do...

When I was talking to my friend Athenagal today we were laughing about how my daughter declared I was "nicer and happier" since I had lost weight and was working out.

She said: "thank goodness she didn't say you were nicer when you were heavy!"

Oh, I agree...

I laughed and told her that I had always considered myself the "fat jolly girl" but later, when I had time to think about it, I realize I wasn't...

To the rest of the world I was happy and jolly and funny and I'm sure many of my friends thought of me as their fat and happy friend...who they wished would lose some weight...

I was never happy with being fat.

I just didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't have the motivation or energy to try and do something about it.

I can't tell you how many times I was in a dressing room at Lane Bryant, trying on things in a VERY LARGE SIZE and I would look in the mirror and...

cry...

it didn't feel good to put on what amounted to a big trapeze top and stretchy pants and look in the mirror and realize that I looked like a very large blonde apple...in a size 24.

Wow, I can't believe I actually put that number in this blog.

I would look into the mirror and try to convince myself that I looked good. I guess to a certain extent I looked as good as I could considering I was a size 24...but no, I didn't look good.

And it didn't feel good to be that way...

My legs and feet constantly hurt. And my knees hurt...a lot...
I moved without grace and waddled about.
I was always out of breath.
I would sweat a lot...not because of working out...but just walking.
I didn't fit into chairs...and feared breaking one...
My feet and ankles were swollen and it was hard to wear shoes...

Now...
the only time my legs, feet or knees hurt is after a good hard workout...so they hurt in a good way!
I move with grace...I can get around easily...
The only time I am out of breath is when Dimples has me run up the hill or if I am going hard on the spin bike (with the Amazing Katherine urging me on!)
I sweat a lot more now...but as a result of exercise and working out...sweat like that is beautiful and sexy...
I fit into chairs easily now...I no longer have to squeeze into them!
And my feet and ankles...no longer swollen...and have I mentioned the stilletos I like to wear? Yes, I have and I do...

I feel good now...I feel really really really good...

I can do so much more and I have so much more energy. And I don't look into the mirror and want to cry because I see a fat girl staring back at me.

I'm not thin...but I am thinner...

OK, I'm going to do something that does not feel good now...I'm going to put up a photo of myself at my heaviest. It was a weight I was at for over a year. I know when I went to the doctor, about 2 months after this photo was taken, that I weighed...well, let's say it was just shy, very very shy (3 pounds) of 300.

You do the math...

I know I gained weight afterwards. But I use that number as my "official" number because it is the one I know for a fact is what I weighed at one point.

I've cut out my friend to protect her innocence...because I love her...

OK, here goes...

Wow...

here is another one...deep breath...here goes...and again I have cut out my friend in the photo...this was taken while standing on top of a nuclear submarine while we were in Hawaii...


A lot of you who read this blog saw me everyday...or frequently. You remember what I looked like. But some of you never saw me in my full fat glory.

So there is is...

And no, it doesn't feel good to look at it...but it does remind me how far I have come and why I don't want to be there again.

I really don't EVER want to go there again...EVER...

When I think of how good I feel NOW and how it just gets better every day, well, I wonder how I lived like that for so long.

Today I joyously showed Dimples a little something fun...I held up my wrist with my heart monitor watch on it and I did a little adjustment. We do it from time to time...so I told him I wanted to show him something and I held up my wrist...

And I started adjusting the "weight" number...down...

with each little click to adjust it down, his smile got bigger...and that number got smaller.

Now, it is not a GOOD number. I am not thin or svelte or small...but I am so much better than the woman in the pictures above.

But it is a number I haven't been at in a long long long time.

And the fact that the other night 2 12 year-old boys declared me the prettiest girl at the party is something that DOES feel good...because they have known me pretty much all of their lives...and nothing is sweeter than the honesty of children.

Before writing this blog I read a blog I regularly follow. It is written by a very funny (and gorgeous) girl who had the lap band procedure and has lost a lot of weight...like 160 pounds or so...

I enjoy her humor and observtions. Her journey has been different because she is banded (and with that comes a host of food things) but I can relate to the feelings she has about losing weight and working out and keeping it off. She's hit her goal weight...she is stunning.

But she blogged about wondering if she was always meant to be a fat person. And she cried about it to her girlfriend...even though she is much thinner and has a pretty cute figure now. And she feels bad that she sometimes holds a grudge against herself for letting herself ever be a fat person...and with all that comes with it...with her stretched out body, etc.

(Here's a link to her blog if you want to read it...she's pretty funny...scroll down and find some of her older posts...I laugh out loud a lot...
http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/2011/01/naked-crying.html
she's good...)

I can totally relate...because is is exactly how I feel.

Because I have been here before and I have been fat fat fat before. More than once. And I am so afraid that something will happen and I will be there again.

Oh, that doesn't feel good either...

But I really do hope and believe that this time it is for good. This time I can stick with it. Because I am worth it...and that, my friends, does feel good to say...

So I am off to make dinner (salmon on a bed of arugula with blueberries)and then a nice long soak in the tub...which will feel very very very good...

Because a hot bath feels good
and working out feels good
and eating healthy feels good

and wine would feel really good but I'm cutting out wine during the week so no wine for me...

And Oprah...yes, meeting Oprah would feel good...I had the dream again last night...I met Oprah and she gave me a Vera Wang dress...like a fairy godmother! It felt good to put it on...it was satin and sexy...and very very very Vera...

I don't know why I am obsessed with Oprah...but I am...

And maybe tomorrow I will post a photo of me now...if I will ever agree to let someone take a photo of me! (Dimples is asking for it so I guess I will).

Inspiration Song: "Feel Good Time" by Pink. Off the "Charlie's Angels" soundtrack...a really good pump-you-up make you feel good tune...

Bye Darlings...go and do something that makes YOU feel good.

1 comment:

  1. Anice, you are amazing. You are sooo very brave to be so open and honest in chronicling your weight loss. And so strong to keep pushing yourself to achieve your goal. You are a hero.
    Much Love, Xan

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