I just wanna run...really, I do...hard to believe since I hate running.
But today I want to run.
And I can't...
because my left knee is still screwed up.
Up until now the problem has always been my right knee.
I tore the meniscus in it a few years ago running up and down the stairs to the soundbooth/crows nest at the Country Playhouse. I was stage managing a show for GOTT and my domain was in the crow's nest where I "called the show". I had a blast doing it (the show) but all the wear and tear on my knee when I weighed somewhere between 280-300 pounds (I refused to weigh myself then)was pretty much a downer.
You would think THAT would have gotten me to lose weight...but noooooooo....I just had it fixed...sadly I had to do it twice.
When you are short and weigh that much the wear and tear on your joints and body is something else. My knees bore the brunt of it.
Here are some things that happened to me and/or my body because I was so fat...and this doesn't include looking like the "Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man" (a "Ghostbusters" reference and if you don't know it, you shouldn't be reading this blog...). So here goes...it is shameful:
1) tore my meniscus twice
2) swollen feet and ankles (all the time)
3) out of breath every time I climbed stairs
4) needed to have a seat belt extender on a plane
5) didn't fit into seats at the movies
6) tore the leather trim on my car seat getting in and out
7) couldn't wear shoes except for Crocs
8) almost couldn't get into the submarine I was visiting
9) couldn't touch my toes
10) couldn't see my toes
11) could only wear stretch pants
12) couldn't wear necklaces unless they were long
13) grew out of 2 sets of wedding rings
14) almost ended up diabetic
15) high blood pressure almost needed meds
16) high cholesterol almost needed meds
17) would get out of breath blowdrying my hair
18) couldn't get dressed without breaking a sweat
19) no boots would fit over my calves
20) couldn't do a zipline tour in Hawaii because of my weight
That's enough for now...pretty sad little list...not nearly as much fun to write as the one last night. (see "100 Years" blog).
Do you know how humiliating it is to ask for a seat extender on a plane?
no? you don't?
because it is a pretty crappy feeling...and I cried the first time it happened...and sadly THAT should have gotten me to get on a diet and get in shape...but instead I just asked for one every time I got on a plane.
I also know that whenever I was on a plane and NOT with my children that I am sure the poor people on my row were not happy that I was there, with all my bulk, taking up some of their little bit of space.
Plane rides were hell...there was no comfort.
I can't wait to get on a plane and NOT have to ask for a seat extender.
Riding in a car wasn't much better...and movies were always an ugly thing because I had to squeeze in the seat. I preferred theaters where the arm rests went up and down...gave me more room...except when I sit next to my husband who takes up as much or more space than me.
Now I go to the movies and there is room for my bag AND me in my seat. I take up a lot less space.
I saw on "The Doctors" tv show where some guy said that your goal should be to weigh as much as you can and take up as little space as possible.
In other words, you should be lean and muscular...a pound of fat takes up more space/room than a pound of lean muscle. So it's ok to weigh 140 pounds if you are lean muscle.
But you also shouldn't weigh 105 pounds and have no muscle...we need that muscle to support ourselves.
So that is a photo of 5 pounds of fat and 5 pounds of muscle...pretty scary...
I copied this photo from another blog...Pinay fitness...here is a link to a pretty good blog that explains it better than I can:
I also remember that incredible visual of Oprah pulling that wagon of fat that represented how much weight she lost. It was quite a way to put it.
Basically I have lost enough weight to have lost a 6th grader. I look at some of the 6th grade kids and picture myself carrying one of them on my back.
When Dimples and I discussed how to get my heart rate up if all I could do was walk, he suggested a get a weighted vest. I can't imagine putting on a 40 pound vest to walk, but on the other hand I walked around with a 100 pound "vest" on me so what is 40 pounds...especially if it gets me going since I may have to skip running.
I did a lot of damage to myself with my weight. But I can correct a lot of it...and I have...my blood pressure is good, I am in no danger of being diabetic, my cholesterol and triglycerides are great, and I take up less space.
Of course there is another dirty reality to all of this...loose skin...because it will only "go back" so much. So I am going to have a tummy tuck...and I hear they hurt...a lot...so maybe that will keep me from gaining it back.
I don't like pain...
Which leads me back to this thing with my knee...and the pain I am in.
A friend of mine, who has knee troubles (I'll call her "Dollface" because she is pretty and she shares a name with a doll...)warned me about this. You see, Dollface has had knee troubles too and she warned me that running wasn't a good idea for girls like us. She has never had weight issues but Dollface knows her knee troubles and has the surgical scars to prove it. She told me that walking was good but the running was going to get me...
and it did...
but it felt so good yesterday to run in the cold instead of walking and I was getting my heart rate up and I was all excited thinking of how proud of me Dimples was going to be and how proud I was of myself that I went over a mile and a half and was heading into 2 miles and the music was going and then...
there was this little feeling...
nothing "went" (like my knee going out from under me)...
I just had this feeling in my knees that I needed to stop...my lungs and energy were fine but the knees were feeling "sore".
I wear a patella support band on my right knee but now I think I need one on both.
So instead of being proud of me I think I have Dimples frustrated with me...
Today I told him I was still hurting and sore...so once again he modified my training and we focused on strength and let the cardio take a backseat.
He likes me to burn 400 calories in a workout. We did 250.
But I'm ok with it...because I know I still did good for my body and my arms are good and tired and poor Dimples was freezing and I still got a sweat up so I figure anything I do is better than nothing...
But I don't want to risk permanent injury (Good grief, Dimples said that to me and I almost burst into tears) so we are taking it easy on me and the knee until it gets back to "normal" which I hope is very very soon.
And as for the running...well, maybe I need to do like Dollface says and keep it to the short little jaunts I take on the jogging track at the park with Dimples and maybe it is just not in my long-term fitness goals to run.
But now that I can't...
I want to...
Now isn't that just like me...I always want what I can't have!
So file "running" with "Crave Cupcakes"...things I can't have but I want.
Who would have EVER thought I would say I wanna run.
Inspiration Song: "I Just Wanna Run" by The Downtown Fiction. Pretty good little song...I USED to start my run with it...sigh...
Bye Darlings...don't run away...