Sunday, January 8, 2012

Low Rider

So today I got on the scale and found a number there that I have been praying for...

I'm 9.5 pounds from goal weight...

I can easily be there by spring break.

I'm not rushing it because I know I have some trips to NOLA (New Orleans) and rodeo to deal with so I am not going to give myself an unrealistic goal date.

But since this is the lowest number I have hit in over 18 years, I am pretty happy anyway.

It was easier back then...this losing weight stuff.

What happened?

Good metabolisms are wasted on youth...

When I was a freshman in college I weighted 104 pounds dripping wet.

Then I gained the freshman 15...but I was fine and still looked good and not fat.

Then I had to have jaw surgery and wasted away to 96 pounds because I was on a liquid diet.

That broken jaw was a good way to lose weight but it was not the way I would ever do it again.

My dad had a good friend who struggled with his weight. He was constantly trying new ways to lose weight.

He did the all protein thing (before it was known as Atkins)...according to my dad that lasted 2 days...

He went to the Pritikin Institute to try and lose weight. But then he discovered a hot dog vendor nearby and that ended that. Pritikin kicked him out when they discovered he was showing all the other patients where the hot dog vendor was...and that he was paying the vendor to be there at a certain time each day.

My dad told me that at Pritikin there was a sign at the check in desk that said:

"If it tastes good, spit it out"...

I don't agree with that statement...

My dad's friend even went as far as to have his jaw wired shut.

Now being one who involuntarily had that done (because of the jaw surgery) I can tell you that yes, you lose weight but it is a horrid way to do it.

Everything must be able to go through a straw...and the wires holding your jaw shut.

So according to my dad his friend got so desperate for a steak that he grilled one and put it in a blender.

Not a good idea...

I tried it myself...steaks don't blend...

I put a lot of things in the blender during the 6 weeks that I was wired shut. Steak was my biggest failure...but I became an expert at soup.

Tomato soup
Potato soup
Asparagus soup
Pureed vegetable soup


My doctor tried to make me drink something like Ensure...




To this day I can barely tolerate a protein shake because it reminds me of the liquid nutrition stuff they made me drink.

My inner fat girl was overjoyed the day he said "you need to gain some weight...drink some milkshakes"




I did...but the problem is that I have sensitive teeth and so it was hard to have that cold milkshake hit my teeth...but I went to the ice cream place and dutifully got my "dinner" and had a sweet cream milk shake almost every day.

I wasn't trying to lose weight...but when you can only eat things that come through a straw you pretty much have no choice.

I lost so much weight that one day I put on a strapless dress and it fell off me.

That night my mother made me soup and put heavy cream in it.

She also got mad at me the day I decided to take myself to the Galleria. She was worried that if someone tried to attack me in the parking lot that because of my wired jaw I couldn't scream.


She left me unattended for 2 days when I was 4 days post-op but she worried that I would not be able to scream.

She also made me wear my wire cutters around my neck.

Trust me they came off the second my Honda left the driveway.

It was an enormous pain in the neck to not be able to take anything in except with a straw. Not only was my jaw wired shut but there was a plastic place between my upper and lower teeth. And they put the braces back on.

I'm a teeth grinder so I was faced with not only taking pain killers at first but the doctor also gave me a muscle relaxer so my teeth wouldn't try and grind while I was sleeping.

The muscle relaxers didn't come in liquid form. So every night I had to "melt" a pill in some juice to take it.




Sadly the weight jumped right back on as soon as I could eat again...but I was never fat.

"Fat" didn't hit until I got married and turned into Susie Homemaker and started cooking non-stop.

And then fatter happened when I just gave up. And was unhappy.

Now that I know what I need to do to be happy, fat isn't going to be an issue.

And the next man I am with will like to eat healthy...and drink red wine...and drive a big ass truck....

just sayin'

Inspiration Song: "Low Rider" by War...where were you when it was popular? I'm not saying...

Bye Darlings...the only way to lose weight is by eating right and gimmicks, no tricks...

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