Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mamma Mia

My mother has been gone for almost 6 years...but I still think about her each and every day.

I miss her...

I wish she was here to see my children grow up and become such great people. I wish she could watch The Cutest Boy in the World play sports (yay! Lacrosse season started today!) and see Ke$ha Barbie's photography.

I wish she was here to talk to. So she could tell me things are good...that I was once a teenager like Ke$ha Barbie and I survived (and so did she) and how to make her spaghetti sauce that was ah-may-zing...

I wish she was here to see me wear her dress...the dress I once refused to wear.

I have this gorgeous friend. I'll call her "Bulletgirl". There is a reason for the name---she makes jewelry from bullets and that is her company name. It is pretty amazing stuff...here's a link:


She's really what I would call a "hot" chick. Gorgeous. Sexy. Stunning.

She once weighed 95 pounds more than she does now.

So I saw her last night and met her mother.

Equally gorgeous...equally stunning...equally sexy.

We were showing each other our "fat" pictures. Suffice it to say that mine were "worse" but hers were pretty bad. I didn't recognize her.

As we were looking at photos on our phones, I told her that I also had one of those "really gorgeous" moms. We both rolled our eyes.

It is hard to have a stunning creature as your mother.

And when you are fat and you have a thin mom who looks like a movie star it is that much harder.

So we were comparing notes as to how difficult that was and how we often felt like people would look at us and look at our moms and wonder "what happened?".

Or would say "wouldn't she be so pretty if she was just THINNER?"

I think I mentioned that when I told GOTT that I was going to lose weight because I wanted to be beautiful, he said "but you ARE beautiful" (that WAS the right answer...ding ding ding ding!).

But few people see that when you are overweight...they just see the fat.

And when you have a pretty mommy, they see you as fat and some sort of failure because you don't live up to the beauty that your mother posseses.

So as I looked at Bulletgirl and her gorgeous mom (who frankly could easily pass as her sister...my mom was that way too), I was happy for both of them...but not because they are both fit, trim and beautiful (they really are) but because I could see the INNER beauty in both of them.

I met Bulletgirl last fall because her son played on GOTTSON's football team. And then we bonded at GOTT and GOTTESS' Halloween party. She saw me on Saturday and asked GOTTESS if that was indeed me when she saw me (I'm 30 pounds lighter than the last time).

You know when you meet someone and you just "click"...well, that is me and Bulletgirl. It is not just the weight thing...it is a "click" thing.

I'm glad she's my friend...

And I love having someone who understands when I say things about my mom.

My mom was stunning...gorgeous...looked like a sister not a mom...

When she took me to A&M for orientation, SHE got asked out on a date...not me...her! The guy thought she was a grad student.


My mom was one of those women who you just LOOKED at when she walked into the room.

She took good care of herself.

Her plastic surgeon misses her almost as much as I do...

But it wasn't just the face lifts and botox...she walked every day and worked out...she stayed fit and healthy.

I must have been a bit of a disappointment to her in that I let myself go and didn't work at it.

I once asked her if she was ashamed.

She said she wasn't...

but I wondered if she was just hiding the fact that every time she looked at my overweight self she wondered why I couldn't control my eating better.

I'm older now and my kids are older and now I "get it" that in a mother's eyes, we are all perfect. I know now that she probably wasn't as disappointed as I thought she was.

I often wish I had my mother's beauty...her sense of style...her ability to accessorize...her taste.

I got some of it but not all of it.

I often like to joke that I wish God had given me my mother's thin thighs and my father's thick hair. I got the opposite. I have my mother's thin hair and my father's thick thighs. Ke$ha Barbie got the right combination...her hair is a glory and her thighs are perfect.

We all have beautiful mothers...they are the most beautiful women in the world. Mine happened to have the kind of beauty that most people consider to be exceptional...but I cannot name a friend among mine that doesn't have a beautiful, beautiful mother...

I miss my beautiful mother...and I wish she was here...

I'm happy I have Bulletgirl to sympathize with when it comes to the "hot mama" department. And I am happy I have her to talk about how it feels to lose so much weight. And when she said last night that she doesn't have many photos of herself as a fat person because she "hid from the camera" I can sympathize. She also said that she often felt like she wanted to disappear...I get that. I'm happy to have her to talk about THOSE things with...

But mostly I'm happy to have her as a friend. A beautiful hot, sexy friend...who makes some pretty cool jewelry...

Inspiration Song: "Mamma Mia"...by ABBA! The version from the "Mamma Mia" soundtrack is pretty awesome too. I have always loved that song...

Bye Darlings...go and hug your gorgeous mother if you are still lucky enough to have her...

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