You Dropped A Bomb on Me

Hi darlings!

Well I was all prepared today to tell you how we are gonna take what is happening to me and turn it into some good but instead I got some news that is making me take the term "pity party" to a whole new level...

I am in a great deal of pain.

Pain from the fibroids.

Terrible pain in my lower back too...guess it is the enlarged uterus.

Pain in all my joints because I had to stop taking my arthritis medication.

Pain that is not solved by Tylenol but only Vicodin or Tylenol 3...

But I can't take those meds and function...

This has disrupted my beloved workouts and is making it very difficult to try and prepare for Xmas.

But I knew it was all going to come to an end on Monday, November 28 and I would trade this pain from post-operative pain and it would end.  And then I could heal. And then I could function again.  And then I could quit complaining and feeling sorry for myself.

And I would't have cancer in my body anymore...

yeah, that's a big one...

it's not bunnies, it is cancer...

So I have my eye on the prize that is November 28 and I get a call from the doctor's scheduler.

Dr. Rockstar is trying to move heaven and earth to take care of me but there are a few little problems:
1) i couldn't have surgery earlier this week because I was on meds that cause blood thinning
2) it is Thanksgiving week and she is out of town Friday (which would have been a week)
3) the OR's at the hospital are really really booked with people getting surgery before the end of the year since they have met their deductible.
4) I'm not the only person with cancer in this city...

So we are TENTATIVE for the 28th but its not a sure thing...

AND I WILL NOT KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL 8 AM THE MORNING OF THE 28TH

yes, you read that right....I won't know for sure.

And it would be this way to Methodist or MD Anderson...

Because there are sick people in this city and I am just one of them.

Trust me I am more than happy to know I am bumped for some poor woman with stage 4 ovarian, or a woman with multiple malignant breast tumors, or the poor man with advanced lung cancer, or the sweet child who has a brain tumor.  I just have very early stage uterine cancer so I am not in the least bit fooling myself that I need to be a priority.

But sadly I will have to take a backseat to women with ordinary needs for a hysterectomy (not cancer, but need it out), to gall bladder surgeries, and to that guy who has put off his knee replacement surgery all year and now is gonna get it.

And of course their are emergencies and those take priority...

All surgery I have had in my life has been elective except for this and my ectopic pregnancy.  I had a choice on my gall bladder and my meniscus repairs.  My tonsillectomy was scheduled along with my sister. I chose to have a tummy tuck.

But this one I have no choice in...and every minute that cancer is in my body it is growing and spreading...maybe slowly or maybe quickly.

We don't know...

and won't...

until I get cut open.

and until then I feel like I have a bomb inside me ready to go off...
and I am in a lot of pain...
and emotionally this is doing a lot of damage to me...

And one of the largest battles I am having is not with the pain, and not with the fear...

But it is with the fact I feel GUILTY about complaining...and I feel GUILTY that I want to be a priority...and I feel GUILTY that I am crying and feeling sorry for myself...

and you prepare yourself for this stuff and it might not happen...

and worse yet I might get a call that morning that says "Sorry, but you aren't going to get the lifesaving surgery you need...you have to wait".

I know that they won't do that and bump me for a knee replacement but someone might need lifesaving surgery more than I do..

I can only hope that the guy who needs a knee replacement decides to change the timing...or someone has to reschedule for some reason so I can be locked in.

When the scheduler said the OR is booked she said it is literally booked up until the end of the year.  If I don't get it Monday there is a good chance I might not see that OR until late December.

Um...no

HELL TO THE NO

But I am not the only one...and trust me as this rages inside me I am bargaining with God asking him to make the guy who needs a knee replacement decide to go to Hawaii and that I don't take precedence over a sweet child.

So a bomb got dropped on me again...

first, I have cancer...

and now I might not get it fixed as fast as I want it to be...

But like tangled Christmas lights I need to find a way to handle this with deep breaths and not get frustrated.  I need to look at this as a chance to fully put myself in God's beautiful hands and He will get me there on His time.

But I don't wait very well...

yeah, I was the kid that looked for the Xmas presents in the closet....I peek at the ending of books...I will watch who gets eliminated from a show and then watch the whole thing if I happen to walk in and just see the ending...

I am not a patient patient...

I ask for all of you to pray that I get the surgery next Monday...that I find patience inside me so I can hold on until then...that I can find a way to control my pain so I can work out or just enjoy the holiday...and that my children don't have one more thing to terrify them...

I ask for you prayers...and I in turn give you all my love...

Pray for all of us with cancer...for all who struggle...and for the mighty doctors that fix it...

And maybe, this big horrible bomb that got dropped on me today will turn out to be a dud and I will get to be wheeled into the OR with my tiara on...

Inspiration Song: You Dropped the Bomb on Me by the Gap Band.  Seriously one of my very favorite songs...and that is how I feel...a bomb got dropped on me again...

Bye Darlings...I am trying to stay positive....I need you to keep me there...keep love and light on social media and keep me, my kids, and all those who are suffering in your prayers...