Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Get Over It

Hi Darlings...

Well here I am knee deep in this cancer surgery mess...but I am pretty sure prayers are being answered and things are looking up...

They had me go in today for me pre-op check up and anesthesia consult.

Good news: they say I am on the schedule
Bad news: but they can't confirm that it is really going to happen

le sigh...

It's just one of the things that I have had to get over in this journey with cancer---the uncertainty.

I think my biggest struggle is the loss of control.

That I don't know IF I do get to have the surgery and that I don't know HOW BAD the cancer is.

I can't control the cancer.

And I can't control the hospital schedule.

le sigh (yes I literally did sigh...then took a long drag on the straw in my can of Lacroix water)
and

le sigh again...

I don't do well with a loss of control.

I am the person who plans her trips with every minute accounted for---even if it is rest time.

I don't like people to help me with project lest they don't do it the way I like (the exception is my students and we have a system)

I'm such a control freak that I will re-arrange the dishwasher before running it if someone else put the dishes in and I will re-arrange the fridge if someone else put the groceries away.

So this whole business about having cancer and the unknown is literally messing with my brain as well as my uterus.

It's just something I will have to get over...

le sigh

And I have a whole list of things I have to get over (yes, I made a list...it's on my phone...I can show you...)

I don't like that I will miss my spin and yoga classes...and that the pain I am experiencing is keeping me from them.  And that I had to give up my arthritis medication so now I walk like a 90 year old woman and every joint hurts so that contributes to not being able to spin or do yoga.

I literally cry every time I walk into Revolution Studio now because I know just how much I am going to miss it while I recover. I miss those people so much that I gave them a scarf to sign for me so I can keep them with me in the hospital and when I recover.

Yoga and spin keep me sane.  I don't know what I will do without my workouts.  I know I will be in pain for a while but it will be a mental struggle to not drive to the studio and be among my tribe.  I've met some of my dearest friends there and I have met some wonderful people who are becoming very important in my life...when you sweat next to someone or have a yoga instructor lovingly assist you or have your spin instructor call you out in class and gives you words that make you brave---well it is so much more than a gym...

I also love my FitBit and this business with my joints hurting and me being tired is messing with my daily FitBit goals.  I am motivated by numbers...if I don't get my steps in it feels like a failure. (for example---in the middle of writing this blog I got up and took a walk)

I don't like being so tired...so bone dead tired.  I lack the strength and energy I am used to having but between pain meds and pain itself I don't get around as well as I did.

and I don't like needing to take pain meds...I really hate that.  I don't like that they make me feel lethargic and I really hate that they make me itch.

And when I say itch I mean like I have the chicken pox with no pox...
A dog with fleas...
like being wrapped in burlap
like rolling in hay

itch
itch
itch

and they all do it to me...

I'm scratching right now

and the worse part is after surgery they have to put me on some really big strong ones and they really make me itch.

le sigh

Apparently I will be given Benadryl at the same time---color me fun while that happens...might be a good time to take a YouTube video of me because I am sure to say and do something totally stupid and fall asleep mid-sentence.  I'm bound so do something that will surely win you the big bucks on the funny video show...

so get those cameras ready...

I might have to change my password on my blog to something I can't remember so I am not tempted to blog while on heavy meds...heaven knows what I might say.  Let's add Facebook and SnapChat and Instagram to that list...

So if I text you something inappropriate, or that seems out of character, or if I suddenly start posting videos of children singing "Let it Go" and tell you it's wonderful---well, get over it and forgive me!

(Note to self: do not post about politics or football or songs from Frozen while on pain meds...)

I've had to get over my denial that I have cancer...sometimes I just say "hell to the no I don't have cancer" but then I go and get poked again or am told a med to take or I feel like I need a 30 hour nap and I am reminded that I have it...

So I have to own it...

that's the only way to get over it is to own it...

and fight like hell...

I feel like I am constantly complaining...that I can't get over...and I can't get over feeling guilty that I am whining about myself when so many others have it worse...

that one is one to tackle with some therapy perhaps...

And with these pain meds and fatigue I need to take naps.

I don't feel guilty about naps.

I got over that one in a nanosecond

Naps rule...

and I am now completely over the fact that I need to often stop and go to my bed and lay on a heating pad...that prevents the need for more pain meds and relaxes me...it will be hard to get over doing that when I recover...

Now here is a big one to get over:

ASKING FOR HELP

I fail miserably at that...

like I am the WORST

I was drowning trying to finish the show when all of this pain and cancer diagnosis stuff was happening but would not ask for help.  My friend MarvelousMaryF saw what was happening and how tired I was and she called in the reinforcements in the form of DarlingDeborah to come and help me finish the sewing for our Alice show.  Those ladies are true friends.  I didn't ask...they just showed up.  I love them dearly...because when you show up for someone because you know they need help and won't ask, well my friends that is a good friend...

My friend DarlingDebbie says I need to let people help me because they feel helpless about my situation.  She says I need to let them do something, even if it is a very small thing, so that they can feel better.  I understand that completely.  I love to help and I love to reach out to those in need and cook, or drive, or run an errand, or send an uplifting message.

But I don't like to ask for it for myself.

I'm trying to get over that...and in the next day or so I will let you know how you can help...right now the main thing I need is prayers...

Here's one I am not sure I want to get over: loss of appetite...

Ok I jest...a bit...

I've pretty much lost my appetite these last weeks...not sure if it is pain, pain killers, being told "it's uterine cancer" or just a big combination of nerves and generally feeling, well, crappy...but whatever it is I'm not much into eating.

Which is not a bad thing since I need to lose weight...

Of course now I only want to eat totally organic good stuff...but somehow Whole Foods Chocolate Mousse is also on the list of things I crave...along with Whataburger...which is not organic

le sigh

So I will probably get over the organic thing pretty quick although I do try to buy organic and definitely local whenever possible (by the way this does not open my diet up for discussion nor do I wish any well-meaning messages telling me I need to eat certain things or in a certain way...at this point I am eating what I can eat...)

And then today I found out I have to get over a super huge fear and stick myself with a needle...

in my stomach...

and it's a real needle and syringe...

and I have to do it 3 times...

have I mentioned that I really really hate needles?

like when they show someone getting a needle stuck in them on tv or a movie I have to cover my eyes...I can't watch myself get blood drawn...I can't watch an iv go in or look at it after until it is covered up...

I.hate.needles.

(apologies to all my dear friends with diabetes or conditions that require constant pricks and pokes with needles...you are my heroes)

I'm pretty sure it is going to take me a good 20-30 minutes to get up the courage to stick the needle in...maybe longer...but I need to do it because apparently unicorn blood is kind of thick and sticky and what do you know I need a special blood thinner...

so needles...

yeah...

le sigh...
le sigh...
le sigh...

and NO, NO ONE needs to come over and stick me because I am such a baby...this is one of those things that I have to do because it is something I have to get over...and to grow up...and to not depend on someone else to clean up my mess...

And one thing I will never get over is the love and support I have found among my friends...the outpouring of hope, love, and prayers...the offers to help me...

I literally can't believe how blessed I am...

I need to get over feeling I don't deserve it...

I need to accept that I am as worthy as anyone else to get healed and be helped...

so yeah...

and then there's the cancer...

and to that I say:

I AM GONNA GET THE HELL OVER YOU AND KICK YOU TO THE CURB!

Inspiration Song: "Get Over It" by the Eagles...I think it is getting added to the kick cancer playlist...I am going to power myself up to do this...

Bye darlings...sometimes the hardest thing to get over is not the illness but what comes along with it...and in my case it is a big hurdle...but I will get over it...










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