Friday, November 18, 2016


Note: I am posting this not to garner sympathy.  Not to have people tell me I am brave or anything like that. I am posting this because if I can save one life by someone reading this I have done what God put me here to do. I am posting this because somewhere down the road someone might have the symptoms I had and remember and will say to their doctor "I need you to dig deeper...". I am writing about this to tell women to not write off their health issues and not to accept something as part of aging or menopause. I am writing this to make sure that each of you takes care of yourself...

So don't tell me I am brave. Don't think I am special. There are far worse things that others have suffered...this is easy...


There will be bad words, medical stuff, and maybe some things that sound "icky" (especially if you are a man) and yes I will discuss "girl parts" etc so if you are squeamish or don't like some rough language this is where you need to exit. Because I am going to be honest. I will be transparent. It's not pretty.... we go...

Hi Darlings!

I have cancer.

There I said it.

And now I own it.

I have cancer.

It doesn't have me.

And it won't.

Because I am going to kick cancer in the ass.

I'm gonna kick it so hard in the ass that it will be amazing.

I am going to be so good at kicking cancer in the ass that it won't dare come back.

I have cancer.

Specifically I have endometrial (uterine) cancer. Very early stage.

I am lucky...I am blessed...and I truly mean that.

I have decided that this is "Princess Cancer".  I call it that because it's in my girl parts and not as embarrassing to deal with when being examined as colon cancer.  And its in some girl parts that did a damn fine job for 52 years and gave me two gorgeous amazing kids but now they are done done done and ready to retire to gyno heaven.

I do not need my uterus anymore.

It would be nice to keep my ovaries but they have to leave along with the uterus.  Because it's cancer and not just fibroids (which the damn fibroids saved my life so I am not blowing them off and I will get to them later).

My oncologist said "this will throw you into full blown menopause".

I told her I was ok with that because I needed the expressway with this one and not back roads in the country so yeah let's bring on the menopause and get rid of the cancer.

Yeah...I have an oncologist.

There I said it and now I own it.

I have an oncologist.

And she is a total rockstar badass of an oncologist.  I have a full blown doctor crush on her.

But I am getting  ahead of myself...

If you feel you need a cocktail go get one...i will wait...go might need's not a fairy tale...this will take a while so at least go get a glass of water....

Now here is where its gonna get gross and I'm gonna use words that might make men squirm and I'm going to be blunt and there will be words like "tampon".  If that bothers you skip to the bottom...but if you are a woman I WANT YOU TO READ THIS BECAUSE SOME DAY KNOWING WHAT I WENT THROUGH MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE

(yes I am going to shout a lot in this blog)

So a few months ago I got my period in my normal time but woke up one night in a pool of blood.

(I warned you this is the R rated talk...)

I felt like maybe this was not normal but could also be part of the start of menopause.

I conferred with a few friends and "yes, this is menopause" was the answer.

and then it happened again the next month and it was a little worse.

But again...menopause

And then, despite being on the pill (so my periods would be lighter and more manageable---go ahead and laugh because I did ) I got my period 2 weeks after finishing the last one.  In the middle of a pill pack.

But this time the bleeding was---apocalyptic

Like a super plus tampon every hour (with nasty clots).  For 3-4 hours every morning and again every evening.

(I warned you I was gonna be graphic)

Lots. of. bleeding.

I called my doc's office and asked the nurse if that was normal...


"I'm making you an appointment"

But it was for a week later.

And I bled... a a lot a lot....

And the next morning after I talked to the nurse I woke up in huuuuuuuuuge pain and knew I couldn't wait a week.  So I called the office and they worked me in.

Ok, let me first tell you briefly about my gyro.

She's gorgeous and fabulous and amazing.

She also looks like she belongs in the cast of Grey's Anatomy

She's a badass.

She was my OB when I had my son and then, and yes I know this is weird, we went on to be football moms together and we are friends.  I don't mind being friends with the woman who checks my girl parts ever year because we know how to separate "church and state" or rather "vagina and touchdowns".

I told her what was happening and she said she thought maybe my fibroids were acting up.  And that she wanted to do a D&C (since by then I had been bleeding over 11 days) and a hysteroscopy to look around.  And some blood work.

She examined me and on the way out the door she asked how my pain was and I said "I can live with pain being at a "6" but right now I am at "8" and I need help".

I walked out and she gave me an Rx for pain meds and she filled out the paperwork for the bloodwork.  I watched her pause and check something but didn't think much of it.

That little check mark on the blood work saved my life.

She ordered an ultrasound and said she would call me the next day.

They took my blood. No big deal.

But it saved my life.

And then I went to work and showed GOTT the costumes for the show and as soon as we were done I burst into tears from pain and took my happy ass home...and took a tylenol 3 and went to bed.

The next day I had an ultrasound.

Dr. Gorgeous called and said that it looked normal and that I was not anemic.  She told me she was leaving town but would be back to do the D&C in a week and in the meantime I would hear from her husband who is her partner.

I went on about my business and the bleeding continued but it was what it was.

then Dr. Husband called me on Monday and said the words that let me know that I wasn't having menopause issues...I had something more going on.

You see Dr. Gorgeous decided not to follow normal protocol and decided that she wanted to make sure there was not more going on so she ordered a CA125 test to be done with my bloodwork. Normal protocol for my symptoms is not to order it.  But she's not normal.

She is a badass...

She's amazing...

God told her to check the she did

So Dr. Husband says to me that my CA125 level was 673...

normal is up to 30

and yes, I typed that right...30...3 and a 0...30....


(A CA125 is a screening test that can indicate if you have ovarian cancer.  It is not foolproof and other things can make the levels high but Ovarian Cancer is very hard to diagnose so this is the first step as it measures a protein found in the blood when you have cancer present.  Go ahead and google it.  And then ask your doctor to run it if you are at risk)

So he asked me to come in and do more bloodwork and ordered a CT of my abdomen for the next day...

color me scared...

yeah, this was not menopause...

my CA125 level on the second test was just as high

my CT scan looked good except for some enlarged lymph nodes...but my ovaries looked normal

Buzzing in my head was "you might have cancer" but I also had to turn a lot of kids into rabbits, and cards and the Queen of Hearts and I was busy...tired but busy...and I had 10 days until the show went up so there was no time to worry about cancer...

besides, everyone said it wasn't ....that "oh yeah I had some high levels" or "its just fibroids"...and no, I hold no ill will toward them because I wanted to believe them and not think I had cancer...

So on Friday the 4th of November my Aunt Jane (the best person in the world) took me to Dr. Gorgeous' office and she did a D&C, a hysteroscopy...and took biopsies...

After the procedure Dr Gorgeous said she wanted to do a hysterectomy and I told her  I had no use for those parts anymore so go ahead and take em...

She wanted to do it the next week but I had a little issue of "Alice in Wonderland" and so we decided to we needed to see the pathology...

The week passed and I made kids into flowers and all kinds of silly creatures and they gave their audiences an amazing awesome show.

And the pathology didn't come...

And then on Monday as I was heading to the hospital for my pre-op appointment (KuteKaren riding shotgun in the car for moral support) Dr. Gorgeous called and said the pathology looked abnormal and the cells were abnormal but we didn't know yet just what it was.  She told me to go and get the pre-op and she was going to call...

and oncologist

oh hell to the no

but yeah...apparently I was going to need one...

2 hours later she called and cancelled my surgery that was set for Wednesday and told me that I was going to go see Dr. Rockstar (I call her that because she shares a last name with a rock star and she is a total rockstar of a doctor).

World. Stopped.

I was inching ever closer to being someone with cancer...

Um, thank you very much but I don't have time for cancer.  And I like my hair.  And I'm pretty sure I don't want to be in bed for a few weeks and as for radiation---I think I will pass.

She told me to hit the reset button and I told her I would.  And I told her that I was heading to Spec's...which I did...but first I had to book my bikes at Revolution Studio because if I wasn't having surgery I was going to ride.  So yeah, the very first thing I did was book my me obsessed...

So i had a day at home where I got to cry and be mad that I MIGHT have cancer.

GOTT said "you don't have cancer until they tell you that you have cancer" so I was holding on to that nugget of great advice.

GOTTESS is a cancer survivor and we decided it was cute to be sister wives who both had hysterectomies but I didn't need to keep up with her by having cancer.  GOTT only needed one wife that had once had cancer and she had checked that box for us both.

(and if you don't know who GOTT and GOTTESS are well GOTT is my boss/male bestie/director/brother from another mother/spirit twin/work husband and she is his amazing wife who is also one of my besties and is my sister from another mister and most importantly she is my sister wife and will be forever.)

I told GOTTESS I was scared and she knew...

I told her it was like this:

I am on a 6 inch ledge on a steep cliff.  There is no way to climb up because it is a sheer rock face. I was dropped on the ledge and didn't climb there.  I can't climb down because there is no foothold. I have no safety net and no safety line. There is a tightrope that leads somewhere but I can't quite see where it goes but it is a taught line and goes somewhere. I can't go down. It's a deep canyon full of rocks. I must get on the tightrope to get off the ledge because I can't stay on the ledge. I have to get on the tightrope and I am terrified of heights.  I have to get on and walk. And I have to look ahead because if I look behind I will lose my balance. and if I run I will lose my balance. So I have to walk slowly and carefully until I get to the other side...

yeah, that's how it feels...

So last night, November 17, Dr Gorgeous informed me I have uterine cancer.

It' took almost 2 weeks for the pathologist to figure it out.

According to KuteKaren I am a magical unicorn and that's why they couldn't figure it out.

The doctors are agreeing with her...because apparently NOTHING about my situation is normal.  And in most cases the gyno would not have ordered the tests I had so yeah


I told her she gave me life twice----once when she delivered my son...and now when she decided that she needed to look deeper into why I was in pain and why I was bleeding.

Because 99% of the time the doctor would not have done more than a d&C....if that...

And so the damn fibroids....which hurt like hell right now and have caused me no end of pain and trouble this last month...


Because I would not have gone in and gotten checked if they hadn't decided to literally be a pain.

I have been in a lot of pain since Wednesday.

I think it is because my uterus wants to retire and go to gyro heaven and she is pissed off that I am making her stay put.  I don't blame her for being pissed because I am ready for her to go to.  And I am ready to break up with tampons forever...

Today Aunt Jane took me to see the oncologist.  As I stepped off the elevator and saw the words "Memorial Hermann Cancer Center" I wanted to throw up a little.

I didn't belong there because I didn't have cancer.

But I guess I do belong there because I have cancer.

Everyone is so nice.  I had a good giggle with the check in girl and the nurse that took my vitals was a "praise the Lord" kind of gal and I hugged her because we are now friends.

She took my blood pressure and it was just barely on the bottom end of the high side.

I told her it was because the whole time the machine was taking my BP I was having to stare at the side of it and it said "cancer"

That word makes your blood pressure go up.

Trust me on that one.

So they moved me to a room and the resident comes in.

Well here we go with another badass babe of a doctor who looks like she would also be home on Grey's Anatomy.  Basically the cast of Grey's is my team.  They are all pretty and I suspect they wear Wonder Woman underwear because they are totally super heroes.  Those gals are the definition of badass amazing and smart as hell. I can totally see them in capes...I will make them their super hero costumes...just call me Edna Mode...

Cute little resident...let's call her Doctor Resident...takes my history.  I inform her I will be 52 on Sunday.

she tells me I don't look it

She's my favorite person today

I told her it was because I got botox...I got GOOOOOOOOD botox from a doctor and not some gal wielding a syringe at a botox party (no offense to anyone who does that because you can get good botox like that too...I just like my plastic surgeon doing it)

she kept looking at me and my fabulous 20 years when she needs it she will remember me...

After I tell her about the 232 surgeries I have had Dr. RockStar entered the room

I think I heard an angel choir...

I have a total woman crush on her along with doctor crush...

I wish I could describe her but basically she was framed in a golden halo of awesomeness and she put me at ease right away.

I mean if I have to have an oncologist than thank you God for giving me one who makes me laugh, gives me hugs, and wants to see photos of kids in flower and bunny costumes.

She asked if I knew why I was there and I said "uterine cancer".

Ovarian cancer scares the holy shit out of me so I am good with uterine.  I told her that.

She told me what she had to do to me.  I get a big vertical cut.  So now with my tummy tuck scar (which is not very visible at all because Dr. Bonnie is a badass plastic surgeon) I will have a big cross on my stomach.

I am ok with that

it's gonna be my battle scar

and if some man with blue eyes and dimples who drives a big ass truck comes along he's gonna have to be ok with it because it will be my proof I kicked cancer in the ass...

I asked Dr. Rockstar if while she was checking my fat layer for cancer if she could just take some of it off but she declined my offer to make her a plastic surgeon.

She said "let's do this" and I said "yes as soon as possible because that is not bunnies down there it is cancer and I want it the hell out of me".

She laughed at that.

She told me I could have the surgery next Friday but she would be out of town but her partner could do it.

No thank you...I want Dr. Rockstar...we are bonded and I am attached and I have a doctor crush on her.

Oh and I forgot to mention that Dr. Gorgeous was in the building and she came by to hug me and check on me....if you need the best gyno in the world I will give you her name...she's the total package of amazingness...

So it looks like me,  Dr RockStar, Dr Resident, and Dr Gorgeous are going to have a date in an operating suite on the 28th and we are gonna kick my cancer to the curb.  There might be some other doctors in the room.  I am cool with that.  Apparently all the doctors are fascinated by the unicorn that is me and they want to see how this story turns out.  I have promised to cook for them and I told them they are lucky because I am a damn good cook.

I have a's like the Justice League or The Guardians of the Galaxy except they are they are The Badass Babes of Cancer Eradication.

I say this is Princess Cancer because I get to get my girl parts out and play the cancer card for at least a few months but I don't think I am going to have to have chemo or radiation (at least we hope not).

Women have hysterectomies every day so basically I am just having a hysterectomy but with cancer along for the ride.

I wanted to go to the fancy lady hospital where we were going to do the hysterectomy.  Cancer totally ruined my plans there.  Its a cute little surgical hospital where all the rooms are suites and the food is good (JayVee had her uterus yanked there) and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have looked out of place if I floated down the hall in long peignoir sets like Eva Gabor in Green Acres.  Feathers and silk...

But sadly I can't go to the Fancy Lady place.

I have to go to the big badass Med Center hospital where according to Dr. RockStar they have more than one liter of blood.  Where she can do all her witchcraft to get rid of my cancer.  Where she can do surgery and I'm betting that golden halo around her will shine into my body and show her where she needs to cut out the bad shit.

(I think she had on gold cuffs and has a golden lasso to get rid of the cancer and I bet she has an invisible plane)

I still think I need the fancy nightgown with feathers or at least a bed jacket.  I might let one of my students fancy one up for me because she is talented like that.

So I'm going to get rid of this Princess Cancer and I am going to live a long life.

I told my daughter today (ok that was a super hard conversation and I will keep it private) that cancer will not kill me.

Ok, so now you know

Now here is what I need from you people:

no texts, messages, etc...I am still processing and I can't answer all of you
no questioning my doctor choice or why I am at MH and not MD Anderson
Netflix suggestions
book suggestions
lilies...I like lilies
there might be a day I need something like whole foods chocolate go get it

And I get to play the "C" card for at least 3-6  months...I might have calling cards made that say "because Princess Cancer"...

and yes I totally plan to look you in the face and make big eyes like Puss In Boots in Shrek and say "but I have cancer" and make you all feel all bad and guilty about's the one time I totally get to be the star of my own show...I'm gonna ride this train people...get ready for a lot of valet parking...

This is how I will communicate with you about all of this...this blog and FB...

don't ask my kids about this...they don't need to hear it...DON'T...

I will let  you know everything you need to know right here...if I don't say it, it's not up for discussion...period...

I am going to miss my workouts and my family at Revolution...I am planning a massive return to life ride when I get back to it...I expect balloons and a lot of Beyonce and Sia songs and Mel and Kim giving me life on the bike...

I'm going to be ok

I'm going to kick cancer in the ass..

I know people who have had far scarier and harder to deal with cancers...I am not a hero (but I am a princess or unicorn) and there is nothing special about me...

except that I have cancer

but it won't stop me...

Inspiration Song: "Unstoppable" by Sia...because cancer will not stop me

I put my armor on, show you how strong how I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am
I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident, yeah, I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today, unstoppable today
Unstoppable today, I'm unstoppable today

Yeah Sia is my spirit animal...she knows what to say...

Bye Darlings...I have cancer...but it doesn't have me...I will beat this and live to where the hell is my sparkly crown so I can reign over this damn thing...

Oh yeah...and go to the doctor and get a damn checkup...

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