Well it has been one week since I heard the words "you might have cancer" and "I think we need to bring an oncologist in on this".
And it's been 4 days since the word "might" became "you do have cancer" and "think we need" became "you need an oncologist".
and 3 days since I told all of you...
a bomb was dropped on my life and I had no way to defuse it...I just had to let it explode and then pick up the pieces and rebuild.
First I want to say a big huge thank you for all the love and support you have sent my way. It has overwhelmed me in a way I never expected. I truly and deeply touched and I can't believe how blessed I am by all of you and all the prayers you are sending my way.
I write this blog as therapy and share it because every time I write I hope that it will make someone think, or reach out, or feel better about themselves, or will try to exercise or cook or eat healthier, or, in the case of the last blog---maybe get someone to the doctor. Over 1333 of you have read my last blog and the number grows. I don't know that many people. It means people are sharing my words with others and I hope from the bottom of my heart it makes someone not settle for "pain is just part of it" and will go to the doctor and get checked. It might save a life. And THAT is worth it all...
So here's what happens when you find out you have cancer...or rather here is what happens after I found out I had cancer...
you sit on the couch and cry
and then you walk to the kitchen to pour a drink but grab water instead
and then you go sit on the couch and say a lot of bad words
and you call a few loved ones
and then you pray and thank God that it was found early
And then I did what a lot of us do and I hit up the internet.
And I learned a few things.
And then, on the advice of my excellent General Practitioner doc (I call her Dr. Beauty cause yes, just like the rest of my superhero women team she is stunning), I stopped looking at the internet.
Because it scares the holy you-know-what out of you
Because statistics are scary and I have already proven that I am some sort of unicorn and stats don't apply to me.
I don't want to know a bunch of stuff that scares me...I want to know what my doctors tell me.
I did learn one thing: PEACH is the color for Uterine Cancer.
I look terrible in peach
I'm a natural blonde...it doesn't work...
now why couldn't it have been something pretty like pink or turquoise? I totally rock those colors...
so I am going to declare that since I have Princess Cancer the color for that will be:
(yes Glitter is totally a color)
So yeah, glitter it is..,
I will wear a peach ribbon and be all about that but really it's Princess Cancer and it is Glitter...
In the last few days I have made some decisions about how this hospital stuff is going to go down:
I am wearing a tiara to the OR...I'm pretty sure Dr. Gorgeous will back me up on it...I have a nice big sparkly tiara but I might buy a new one that is just for this occasion. And then I will pass it on to the next gal I know who gets to kick Princess Cancer to the curb. I'm pretty sure I won't find one with a uterus on it but maybe a heart is good. I don't care if I have to wear it over the shower cap thing...I am wearing sparkles to surgery.
I have a beautiful scarf that I bought at Revolution Studio a few years ago...I have left it with my friends there to sign for me...I want to carry my sweat family into surgery with me or at least have them with me after to wrap around me and feel like they are hugging me.
I'm gonna be stuck in the hospital for a few days drugged up really good...so I am going to bring my own pillow and maybe a blanket that feels good to me...I wanted one of those cute mermaid blankets but unfortunately they will make checking the surgical area pretty hard to reach so that will have to wait until I get home...
I had a dream about my surgical team the night I went to see the oncologist. I dreamed that they walked into surgery dressed like the Guardians of the Galaxy and the strutted in to Cherry Bomb by the Runaways...I kinda want that to be real...I kinda want to ride into the OR to Cherry Bomb...I think it is appropriate...I had planned to dance my way to the OR to an Abba song (probably Dancing Queen) but apparently I am going to be under for a while and I have to wear some special bootie things to keep me from getting blood clots. So no dancing to the OR. But before they take me away I will play Cherry Bomb...
So yeah, I am gonna be a sparkly unicorn princess in the hospital...you would expect nothing less of me!
As for what I am doing to prepare, well, I think the biggest hurdle is the mental one so i am trying to stay positive. I've had to stop taking my arthritis medication so on top of having pain from the fibroids I now have every joint aching and screaming at me.
So I went to spin class to say "to hell with cancer" and even though it hurt I still got my ride in with my beloved Marvelous Mel and I took all the positivity she gave us in class and soaked it up to fill my heart. I'm going to try to spin or do yoga as much as my body allows me to...Revolution Studio is my sanctuary and it is as much a place for my mental health as my physical health. I've felt such love there and made so many wonderful loving friends there.
I had a birthday yesterday.
I turned 52.
I will turn 53.
And I will look back on this birthday with joy because I will survive cancer and I will make it through this year. I'm gonna make uterine cancer look sooooooo good....
I started and ended my birthday surrounded by loved ones...what a blessing it is to have people I love so much that they are family even if they aren't blood. GOTT, GOTTESS, GOTTSON, my #sweatfamily that is my #rideordiecrew and of course my beloved Aunt Jane and my dear friend SuSu.
Wow this blog is so boring I just put myself to sleep...but I need to get my thank you's out and my feelings out into the universe so they can do some good.
So now that the bomb has been set off what do I do?
and how the heck to I wake you people back up from this boring drivel?
I can't make the cancer not exist but I have a doctor who can (hopefully) make it go away. I can keep the light in my life and stay positive. I can keep preaching to women to listen to their bodies and get a check up. I can spread love as much as I can.
I made the decision that I will not let this divide my life into "before cancer" and "after cancer".
I can't give it that much power over me.
I have to use this week to spoil my son, be thankful at Thanksgiving, decorate my house for Christmas and stay healthy so I can have surgery next Monday.
Tomorrow I will share with you some ways I want to take what is happening to me and turn it to something good. I want to share love and gratitude.
And I know some of you feel helpless and want to do something to help me so I will think on that and give you some options.
I'm so lucky...I got cancer in a body part that I no longer need. I have a beautiful sweet young friend, let's call her Stunning Girl (because heavens people this girl is some otherworldly kind of gorgeous). She is the daughter of an old friend. She's young, in her 20's, and she has two little ones. She has leukemia. She's gone through such hard treatment. She's lost her hair. She's a hairdresser so the irony of that is not lost on anyone. But she has been so brave. I have followed her journey and I send her messages of hope and strength. And now, sweet beautiful girl she is, she is doing the same for me.
When she was diagnosed I messaged her and told her this:
Beautiful china is only strong and beautiful because it has been in the kiln. It must go through the fire to be shiny, strong, and useable. Without the fire it is just hardened clay. After the fire it is a new object---one that is a million times better than what it started off being. Go through the fire. It won't burn you up---it will make you stronger and more beautiful and it will make you shine.
She is getting really shiny...she is getting so strong...she is weathering the kiln. And now I am going to leap into that fire with her. And I feel the strength of so many of my friends who have survived cancer (like Beauty, and Wonder Woman, and DarlingDana, and CuteCourtney). I feel them telling us not to burn but to shine...I hear their womanly voices saying "you can do this"...Stunning Girl and I are gonna kick cancer to the curb in a most beautiful and shiny way!
When a bomb gets dropped on you how you handle it and recover from it is a sign of your character. It's freaking cancer so one is allowed to freak out and be scared. But it's how you go forward and clean up the mess the bomb made that takes the real courage.
I'm stepping into that kiln.
I'm gonna let it make me stronger.
This is something I have to weather and go through but it won't burn me up.
It won't end me.
That damn bomb went off and I am gonna build a new village in its place...
Get ready people....
That village will be made of GLITTER!!!!!!
Inspiration Song: "Cherry Bomb" by the Runaways. I will without shame admit that I think Guardians of the Galaxy is one of the greatest movies ever made. I watch it endlessly. I think James Gunn is a genius and that soundtrack is my happy place. I love the scene where the Guardians powerfully walk out together to Cherry Bomb and go out to destroy the bad guys. That's how I see my doctors....they are going to take a bomb and get rid of the cancer and they will do it with style...and so will I...
Bye Darlings...if you are going through something remember that the kiln will make you stronger...don't let the fire burn you...dance in the flames and know that when the fire dies out and it all cools down that you will be even more beautiful...
#guardiansofthegalaxy #jamesgunn #uterinecancer #fightlikeagirl #beatcancer #cherrybomb