Thursday, December 29, 2011

Modern Man

Despite being married 24 years, I have to admit that the male species still confuses and confounds me.

I'm living with a man...but he's just 13...and since he is The Cutest Boy in the World I consider him pretty perfect. But this man-child of mine still manages to surprise me with the things he does and likes.

Take wrestling for example...

That is a sport that, as I have said before, totally makes me crazy. But he likes it.

I don't get it...

What is FUN about grappling with another boy in hand-to-hand combat while wearing a leotard?

All I see is my son using all his might to pin some kid to the mat. And sometimes it gets ugly...very very ugly. When your 8th grader comes off the mat in tears and throws himself into your arms your heart breaks. He was crying, not because he lost the match by points, but because the other kid hurt him...and it caused him to have an asthma attack.

And then the wrestling coaches make them do crazy things like cut weight.

You don't have to cut weight to do lacrosse.

I like lacrosse...

But since I have always had food and weight issues I am a total mama bear about the weight cutting thing...and I have informed his future high school coach that I will not tolerate being told that my son needs to drop 5 pounds in a week...and I won't let him run in a plastic sweat suit to do it.

Crazy...

I DO get that men like sports...I understand that. I used to have to schedule my life around Cowboy, Texans, and Aggie games.

And my wedding was planned for an open date in the Aggie football schedule...which my ex wanted to then move when a game got scheduled for that day.

That was a sign...like that comic says: "here's your sign"...

I should have read the sign...

I have a friend who is raising daughters...he has 3. No boys. But now he has a grandson. He told me that the little boy confuses him. He's just 15 months old so I think my friend will "get" him once he grows up a bit.

He told me: "I'm ready for him to start talking so I can understand what he wants".

I told him he just needs to know 3 things about little boys:

1) Little boys will drop trousers and pee ANYWHERE. And they will do it in the most inappropriate places...like the bushes at the country club. And they like to show off how far they can pee...

2) Little boys think farts and fart noises are the funniest thing ever. They will inform you that they are about to pass some gas and gleefully tell you they did. And if they aren't farting for themselves they will make fart noises with their armpits so that they can laugh themselves silly. And again, they will do it at an inappropriate time or place...like the dining room of the country club.

3) Little boys will turn ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, into a truck, helicopter, or gun. Give a boy a beanie baby and suddenly it becomes a "laser cat" (if you haven't seen the Laser Cat videos on Saturday Night Live, youtube it...awesomely stupidly funny). A box will be a motor car, a flower can be a helicopter. You name it, if it is in a boy's hand it is a gun, car, or helicopter...and they will make the appropriate noises to go along with it.

I told my friend he was too young at the time to remember doing so but I promise he did all of the above...and so does every other little boy in the world...it's a universal thing...peeing, farts, and guns...

Now MEN on the other hand...and I'm talking about the grown-up variety here...they truly confuse me at times.

Things like:

1) They will ask you to cook them something totally fattening for dinner and then complain about the fact they look and feel fat while they are eating it. You want to lose 5 pounds? Then why did you ask me to cook you fettucine alfredo?

2) They will tell you look pretty when you are wearing workout clothes, a ponytail, smudged makeup and smell vaguely like a goat but then you might here NOTHING from them after you spent an hour getting fixed up and curling your hair. Any man of mine better tell me I'm pretty in both instances...I had to ASK the ex if he thought I looked beautiful on our wedding day.

That was a sign...

Should have read the sign...

3) They will complain endlessly when they are sick...or after having a knee procedure done...they become 3 years old and want their "Mommy". But God forbid you get sick or have surgery because you are not allowed to stay in bed and be sick. You have to go all totally "Florence Nightengale" for them but do you think they want to bring you soup when you have the flu? Nooooo...they will ask you to make the soup because "I might be coming down with it too".

4) I don't even want to discuss how they complain about their jobs...then again, yes I do...

So they will complain about their boss or their employees and how hard their day was. And you have to listen and say "poor you" but if you say:"well today I got up and got the kids to school but Little Johnny forgot his shoes so I had to turn the car around and get the shoes and then we were late so I had to walk into school with him and then the school nurse called and said Little Susie has lice so I had to get that taken care of and then I had to go to the grocery store and then I had to take the car in (his car mind you because he is to busy to do it) to the shop and get the light fixed and then I had to take the kids to soccer practice and get dinner cooked and pay all the bills and clean the house and did I mention that the dog threw up all over Little Susie's room and had diarrhea too and so I got that cleaned up and then you informed me that you had invited the Smith's over so I had to replan dinner and go to HEB again and yes, I got the lice taken care of and dealt with which included washing all the sheets and pillowcases and bagging up all of Little Susie's stuffed animals and I got Little Johnny with the lice treatment too because I thought I saw lice on him and then through it all your mother was calling to complain because you don't call her and she wants us to come to dinner and she needs me to do her Christmas shopping for her...and I didn't get to workout today either...". Well if you say that he's just gonna look at you and say "do I have lice? The Smith's will be here in 10 minutes and I"m not very hungry because I had to take clients to lunch at (insert name of fancy restaurant you never get taken to here) and we had a few martinis with lunch. It was a hard day..."

Then you find his gun and shoot him...all the while singing the "He had it coming...he had it coming..." song from "Chicago".

5) They will ask for your number...ask what you are doing for the weekend...and then they don't call or text...and tell you later that they sat around their house in their underwear and were bored...

6) Speaking of sitting around the house in their underwear...why? Why do they do that? I DO NOT sit around my house in my bra and panties...I wear a robe...

7) And the "scratching themselves"? UGH! My son walks through the house in the morning scratching his arse and his privates and yawns. Grown men do it too...

8) Spitting in the shower...and if you are in the shower with them (this is why I won't shower with a man) they will spit at YOU...and think it is funny...and they spit the "gunk" from their throats onto the wall and don't rinse it off so when you clean the shower you are confronted with the grossest things on the wall. They do it in the sink too and don't run water to rinse it. Why? Why?

9) They still think fart noises are funny...

10) They think if they mow the lawn or put up Christmas lights we should throw them a parade...

11) They also think they deserve a parade if they unload or load the dishwasher or pick their socks up from the floor...

12) Speaking of which...why do men not understand the "theory of the hamper"? Socks and underwear GO INTO THE HAMPER NOT THE FLOOR...and I have one word for men's underwear:

GROSS

13) And God forbid if you ever ask them to do the laundry...because your bras will be mangled and they won't fold anything...

14) Men think that you only need 3 pairs of shoes: athletic shoes, dress shoes, and a pair of loafers...so they don't get why you need 8 different styles of silver shoes...but you do...you do need 8 different kinds of silver shoes...and 20 different kinds of black ones...and 6 different kinds of boots...and...well, you know...

15) To get dressed up for a black tie event all they have to do is shower, shave, slap on some cologne, brush their teeth, and put on the tux...

You, on the other hand (if you are a woman), have to shower, shave, put on makeup, dry your hair and curl it and fuss with it, put on Spanx, change your mind about your shoes 4 times, slip on a complicated dress, and maybe some hose...

And they complain about getting dressed up for black tie...and ask you why it takes you so long to get ready because they did it in 20 minutes...

16) And speaking of black tie...they will complain about their bow tie and cummberbud and how uncomfortable they are and how they hate wearing a tux...

But noooo...you are totally comfy in your Spanx, and hose, and the complicated bra and the dress that, to quote the movie "The Devil Wears Prada", took "fishing line and some Crisco" to get into...

Yes, I love wearing Spanx and not being able to breathe...

17) They want you to go and see Bruce Willis movies with them...but they don't want to see a Meryl Streep film that you are dying to go to..."because those movies are so boring"...but you have to sit through 2 1/2 hours of Bruce Willis shooting people...

I'm notsomuch a fan of Bruce Willis movies...guess you got that...

18)They don't get portraits...

So you get a beautiful portrait done of your kids and hang it up and show it to him...

He says "how much did THAT cost?"

You tell him

He freaks out...

You love the portrait and what he doesn't know is that you spent HOURS getting Little Susie's hair to curl just right and to make Little Johnny's cowlick lay down and you shopped for days for the perfect matching outfits (he will complain about the cost of that too). He also doesn't know about the temper tantrum Little Johnny threw just as the photographer was about to snap away because you told him that "Mr. Snuggles" cannot be in the picture and you had to keep telling Little Susie to stop hitting her brother ("but Mommy...I was just trying to make him stop crying and smile pretty!") and how when it was done the 4 of you (you, the 2 kids and the photographer) were wiped out and everyone needed a nap...and you needed vodka...

And every time a guest comments on the beauty of the portrait he will tell them "just how freakin expensive it was"...

19) He will go out for boys night...and he will inform you 20 minutes before he heads out...

20) YOu plan a night out with the girls...or go to Bunco (he will call it "Drunko")...you tell him 3 weeks before...you put it on his calendar and the one on the fridge...you remind him all week...that day, when you remind him again he will complain endlessly about it and how "the game is on" and how he was gonna meet his buddies...but he stays with the kids...when you come home all aglow from the fun you had he will tell you how wiped out he was helping the kids with the homework (and feeding them the dinner YOU COOKED BEFORE YOU LEFT), and how hard it was to get Little Johnny bathed, and how hard it was to get the kids into bed. You will see 4 beers left on the counter and all the dishes are left in the sink for you to do now that you are home because he is soooooo wiped out.

21) He will go hunting and fishing ALL the time. He will tell you he is going hunting and fishing 20 minutes before he heads out the door. You only know he is doing so because he is finding his shotgun shells. And you are supposed to know where they are...

You on the other hand will inform him that you are going away for the weekend with the girls...he will have had 10 fishing/hunting trips during the past year and this will be the first time in 18 months you have gone anywhere without the kids. You will tell him well in advance and put it on his calendar and the fridge calendar. YOu will constantly remind him about it and remind him that Susie has soccer and Johnny has a birthday party to go to. He will tell you "Babe, that is too much for me to handle...can we skip the party?". You will say no and leave a gift (which he will forget). When you get home there will be 16 beer cans on the counter, an empty bottle of Stoli, clothes everywhere, shoes everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, empty fast food containers, and the house will smell like goats live in it.

He will want a parade for "having to deal with the kids all weekend"...

Don't give him one...

22) Can we discuss back hair for a moment?

Uh...Dude...clean it up...get a waxing

"But it hurts"

Yes, and a Brazilian Wax feels oh so good...

Because you better trim the hedges for him but do you think he will "manscape" for you?

I will not date a man that doesn't take care of his back hair...I won't date Sasquatch...

23) You send him a text with an important question.

He answers:

mmmmhmmm

or

mmk

What the hell does that mean?

24) He thinks the word "Babe" is a term of endearment...

Ok, given the right man and the right circumstances it can be...

25)They think they are funny as hell when they are drunk.

No, darling, you are not...

I'm funny when I blog...you are NOT funny after 6 rums and Coke...

26) Men will clip their toenails anywhere...and leave the clippings for you to pick up...and sometimes they want to brag about how disgusting the clippings are...

27) To a man, Pee Wee football is a pro sport...and every game is the super bowl...

28) Men love to grill....but they will complain about the work. For instance, you are having a cookout with 2 other families. The men will gather around the grill and drink beer and flip the burgers. When the evening is over, they will complain about how hard they worked. And they are looking for affirmation that they are the grill master and did a good job. Then they will flop on the bed and say how exhausted they are from manning the grill. A woman, on the other hand, will have had to shop for all the groceries, cut up everything, make all the side dishes, buy and ice down the beer, and clean up after it is all over...but The Grill Master did the work...right...

29) You buy a new eye/neck/face cream. It cost $50. He roars.

He comes home...

with a gun...

"But Babe, it was just $500...it's a bargain! And Little Johnny can shoot it too!"

"um....Little Johnny is 5...so not happening"

What is it with men and guns? I have a friend who literally refers to his guns as his girls or "she" and once told me his gun was "the most beautiful thing I ever saw"...I said "really?"...he said "next to you, of course"...right....he speaks "woman" very well but that time he just barely saved himself.

My dad was the same way with his guns...he would lovingly clean them every Sunday. He collected guns and then proceeded to display them all over the walls...the walls of the room that he made my high school dates come and sit in when they came to pick me up.

30)Let's revist texting one more time...they aren't very good with texting...women of course also do the wrong thing and will write a paragraph...men answer back in a word. But what I am talking about here is that they will say that word and since it is texted and not SAID you will misinterpret it. You can end up in a fight because he texted something when he should have just called but they don't like talking on the phone either.

31) They will buy you some very trampy lingerie...and expect you to put it on...and then they are disappointed when you don't look like Heidi Klum or Molly Sims or a Victoria's Secret angel in it...and speaking of which, do they really think we want to wear a garter belt...ever? And that mesh teddy he bought you...you have to twist like a pretzel to get in and out of? Really?

Now don't get me wrong...women are not perfect either. These are just my observations about men in general and any similarities between what I have described here and your man is purely coincidental...

So at some point I will have to learn all the quirks about a new man...make that 2 men because I still have to figure out The Cutest Boy in the World...and some other dude if I ever have a boyfriend...

It might just be easier to find a woman to love...I "GET" women...problem is I LIKE and LOVE men...so I guess I will find a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. I did offer to date D-Nice the other day...just so long as we go to Australia and capture us a gorgeous little surfer bum who will take care of the "recreation" part. She says that is our back-up plan...I lurrvvv her...

I do love men...and all their crazy stuff...and I'll take a new one just as long as he likes red wine, can grill me a steak nice and rare, will hold my hand, tell me I"m pretty, watch Modern Family with me, bring me lilies, likes my angel perfume, and drives a big ass truck...

and no back hair...

Inspiration Song: "Modern Man" by Arcade Fire...their album "The Suburbs" won the Grammy for good reason...it is a great album...

Bye Darlings...Sasquatch called...he wants his hair back...

No comments:

Post a Comment