Sunday, April 24, 2011

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

OMG

OMG

OMG

Oprah...in 3 days...

OMG

My aunt Jane and I leave early on Tuesday to head up to Chi-town. We get there early afternoon. The weather is predicted to be stormy.

I don't care...

We will still find some fun things to do with our time.

I got an email from one of the producers last night...I have to be at Harpo Studios by 6:00 am fully dressed and ready to go. GOTTESS and GOTT and GOTTSON were here for dinner so GOTTESS and I re-read the email twice to be sure we were right...yes...6 am...

I thought to myself "wow...I gotta look smokin' hot at 6?"...

not easily done...

even at 6:00 PM in my case.

But, I"m not sure I'll even be able to sleep the night before so getting up at 4:00 am might not be too big of a problem.

Yesterday my most stylish friend, Athenagal, came over to help me pick out what to wear on the show. Athenagal made the Houston Chronicle Best Dressed List...before she was 30.

What I love about her sense of style is NOT that she wears nothing but expensive designer clothing...no...her style is about STYLE and not what you spend on the clothes.

She always looks amazing...

and she is fearless with her choices...

Sometimes she will wear something that on mere mortals like me would look like a costume...but since she is a goddess, it totally works and she rocks it and it looks amazing.

So I needed her help...

We went into the closet and I tried on all of the possibilities.

I have ruled out the black Gucci that was my mom's because the Oprah people say not to do black or white or patterns.

So we are going with color...

I want to be seen sitting in that audience!

We narrowed it down to 2 choices. Both are great and I love both dresses equally.

Athenagal told me to bring both of them so that I can have a back-up in case one of them ends up with a problem.

Good advice...

So that morning I will wake up and see if I feel "turquoise" or "coral".

The turquoise is pretty hot...very fitted...hugs my curves in the RIGHT way.

and oh yes...it is a size 8!!!!!

woooooooo hoooooo

Now about the shoes...the shoes are hot too. They are silk print shoes (shades of green and blues) and they wrap at the ankle and tie in a bow in the back.

They. Are. Hot.

I call them my "girl shoes" because when I wear them I look like the girl in the DSW commercial (in fact they are in the commercial...in the pink combo)...girls follow me and ask where I got the shoes...and yes, they come from DSW...

I wore them when I taught art on Thursday.

Hellish day...so rocking the shoes made it better.

Why hellish? I taught middle school art, I had to supervise 6th graders hanging up all the art for the art show, I had lacrosse equipment to deal with (and lax coaches...but they are cute so that isn't so bad)...

but the worst part was what I did when I moved my car into the teacher's parking spot...

I hit a car...and not just any car...

I hit Musical Muse!!!!!

She was cool about it but damn....and I feel so bad I did it...

GOTT declared it awesome...

So back to the shoes...'cause it's all about the shoes...

So I have those amazing shoes on and little girls are screaming all day about the shoes. My son told me it was the topic of conversation at not one but 2 lunch tables. One of the administrative staff ladies said it was the topic of conversation for then too...

As I went up the stairs...yes THE stairs I was behind the cute and darling 8th grade lax coach and the little girls are screaming up the stairs about my shoes...he pauses and asks what they are talking about...

I let him get a look...it was a nice look...LOL...

but see, these are shoes that men don't "get"...he said I have great calves...he didn't "get" the shoes...another male friend declared them "complicated" when he saw them...men don't "get" shoes that tie and wrap and that you can't run in.

but girls do...

and those are girl shoes...

I think Oprah will approve.

But I have digressed....

So on to the other outfit choice:

The other dress is pretty hot and awesome too. It is a coral silk strapless number that drapes in all the right ways.

I wore it the other night when I went out with Twirler Girl. We had a blast and I always enjoy spending time with her.

Here's a photo...forgive that it was windy and the photo was taken with an iPhone!

so it is a blurry photo but you get a glimpse of the coral dress.

I also have amazing shoes for that one...and they are amazing because they are the same shoes as the other ones but they are in an orange/pink/brown combo.

girls...go get those shoes...

So Athenagal helped me choose jewelry, purse, etc. and we feel good that I'm gonna look good either way.

Now if my hair will just cooperate that day...

and my hair does not necessarily like to cooperate at 6:00am...it is always much better after a cocktail...just like me...

tonight AngelAmy is coming to stay with me...she will be here for 2 nights. All this Oprah stuff is happening because of her...because she trolled the oprah.com website and found out they were doing a weight loss show I am now flying to Chicago to see Oprah. It's a dream come true...and AngelAmy and I had a lot of adventures in high school (some day I will share the perm story) but isn't it amazing that years later we can still find ways to get each other into trouble and fun...

tonight we get to drink some wine and laugh...and we don't have to worry that our parents will catch us...and tomorrow we are hoping to have dinner with TwirlerGirl...I better pack first or I might forget something after wine and dinner with the chicas at my favorite place (George's Pastaria...go there people...great wine/great food).

so wish me luck, darlings...they haven't decided an air date for the show so they told us to just look at Oprah.com and watch for it...

I plan on having a blast while I am there...and soaking up every moment of it...and it couldn't be better 'cause I have Jane with me through it all...and I will definitely have some Chicago deep dish pizza (even though I am really a thin crust kind of girl) and ...

I will share the same air space as...

Oprah...

Inspiration Song: "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile"...from the musical Annie...because my 8th graders are doing "Annie" and you ARE never fully dressed without a smile...and I plan to be smiling a lot...

Bye Darlings...pray for me...and put a smile on your face!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dream On

Wow...a week has gone by since my last blog...

I guess I have been busier than I thought...

so....

did you miss me?

I've missed blogging...sat down a few times to do it but got distracted or wasn't "feeling it".

But tonight I am...

So what is going on with the shrinking violet these days?

well...first and foremost I must thank you all for the love and support you gave me as I faced the anniversary of my mother's death.

I got through it just fine...in fact, I got through it "pretty good".

I had many times dreamed of being able to get through that day without wanting to cry all day or take to my bed. This year I did it...

I only cried twice...once first thing in the morning when I got up and faced the day. The second time was when I was watching the children rehearsing a scene from "Annie" for their 8th grade musical. They were doing the scene where they sing "Tomorrow"....well, that got the tears to flowing...my mother loved that musical and that song in particular.

But it was cathartic...and I survived it

I went to my workout and did like my mama would want me to...I worked my ass off! Something that a few years ago I wouldn't have dreamed I could do.

Then I hit the grocery store to get stuff to make for dinner for my friend to join me.

And yes...I bought and cooked with butter...more on that later...

Got the groceries home, cleaned up and headed to the store...and yes, I bought a hot dress...bought a couple in fact! Nordstrom Rack is the bomb...it is a dream store...

Met with my lawyer and filed for divorce.

Now that sounded a bit cavalier...but it sorta was.

I mean, these days all your lawyer has to do is file electronically....

People, you can file for divorce over the internet!!!!!!

It's almost too easy....and although I sound a bit flippant now...I did carefully consider the decision to do so.

But I am changing my life and that is part of it.

I"ve dreamed of a new life for myself and although I was married to a great man...he is no longer the man of my dreams.

I came home and fixed dinner.

I decided to do my mama proud and made steak, homemade mac and cheese (Martha Stewart's recipe and yes, it is awesome and yes, it is terribly fattening!), salad, coca cola cake...and green beans (had to have something healthy).

My friend came over...she was a good comfort and we laughed and had a very nice night and I did not shed one tear...

very good...

she left and I went to bed...happy and satisfied that I had not just survived the day but I LIVED it!

Life has been bumping along pretty normally since then until yesterday.

Because yesterday....

I got another OPRAH email.

Seems they want those of us who have lost the weight to send them our "fat" clothes. I kept a few. Not happy things...things to remind me not to be that girl again. So I will send them the clothes.

Now my big challenge is what to wear to the show.

I want to wear my mother's black Gucci knit dress. It is fantastic...tight, knit, sexy, no back, high cut in the front and shows off my shoulders to a "t".

But they (the Oprah show people) say that black doesn't look good in HD.

So now I am considering 2 blue dresses...both are good looking and fit me beautifully.

One is a "9" the other is a size "8"...

I like them both so I have asked my fashionista friend AthenaGal to come over and help me choose. She is the most stylish person I know and I totally trust her judgement.

And I have an awesome pair of shoes to wear with either dress...and you know it is all about the shoes...

So the Oprah producer says that there is a chance some of us could end up on the stage...I want to look good enough for them to single me out for that honor!

So we'll see...I still can't believe that in one week I will be in Chicago to live a dream and see the Oprah show live and in person...

It won't seem real until I am there.

So for now it just seems like a dream...

Just like losing the weight did...

Just like wearing the Vera dress...

Just like applying for the Oprah show (thank you AngelAmy for making me do so and Dimples for making me go...)

Just like moving on with my life as a happier, healthier person...

And I will keep dreaming on....because that is what will move me forward!

Inspiration Song: "Dream On" by Aerosmith...without a doubt one of my favorite songs...

Bye Darlings...dream on...it will move you to do great things!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Every Time I Think of You

Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of my precious mother's death.

Sad day...

But this year I promised myself that I wasn't going to dread it. I'm going to celebrate it.

I'm going to make her proud...I will start the day as she would by eating right and exercising.

And then I will dress myself up in something very fun and...

head off to my lawyer's office.

OK, that part isn't much of a way to honor my mother but I know she would be proud of me for being a "real grown up"...and for taking charge of my life and moving forward.

(BTW, I have a great lawyer...God has given me great peace about him and how he can help me).

And after that...I'm going shopping...for a hot dress...because I can...and because she would.

After that...I might have a friend over for dinner if I feel up to it. The friend is on "standby"...I might not be up to entertaining a friend so she's ok with that...that's a good friend.

I like to do things to honor my mother...do things she would enjoy.

And I am loving wearing her clothes...some of them...most I'm still not in but will be.

I think of my mother so often...

More than once a day...

More than twice a day...

More than three times a day...

So tomorrow will be hard...but I know I can get through it.

I can because this year I have prepared myself for it...and I know I am in a better place than I have been for the last 5 anniversaries.

For some reason I have found myself completely stupid with my Mac. I thought I knew how to "copy and paste" but for some reason I can't get it to work. I was going to copy and paste the eulogy I wrote for my mother here but I can seem to do it...so I will post a link on facebook tomorrow as I have it as a "note" on there.

So, because I am "Mac stupid" and can't do it...and it is too long to re-write, I'm going to give you the gist of it here and let you know some things she taught me...things I think about a lot:

I'll count back from 10 as I did in the eulogy...

10) Cook with butter...do it...damn the diet...it tastes better!
9) travel first class...travel...have fun...go somewhere
8) sleep on a lot of soft pillows...make your bed a sanctuary...splurge on it...you are there for at least 6-8 hours most nights...
7) take more pictures...I love taking photos...she did too...
6) keep a clean house...my mother's house was immaculate...mine is getting there...
5) throw more parties...she was the hostess with the mostest...I'm gonna entertain more...she would want me to...
4) support education...give to the school of your choice...
3) drink more water and exercise more...I'm doing that now! She always worked out and almost always had a water bottle or water glass in her hand
2) go to church
1) love your family...

That was what my mama was all about...comfort, food, love, health, and family...

Whenever I think of her, I remember her beauty...

I remember her love...

I remember her incredible sense of style

I remember so much...so very much...

Sometimes it makes me immeasurably sad to think about her. That was part of the reason I got so fat...I just stuffed down those feelings with food. I was also unhappy in other ways, but losing her was a big part of it...and a big part of whey I couldn't get on with my life.

But I can't use that as an excuse anymore. I have to move forward and I have to take back my life...which I am doing.

And then there's Oprah...wow how she would love that. She would have loved to have gone to the show with me. She would have clapped the loudest and been the proudest. My aunt Jane will be a more than adequate substitute for that...and I am blessed to have her.

So tomorrow, I will live my life. I will do things that honor my mother but I won't spend the day mourning her. I won't spend the day wallowing. I won't spend the day in sadness.

I will thank God for having her in Heaven...and for giving her to me as my mother...and that I am lucky enough to have learned some really great lessons from her.

Inspiration song: "Every Time I Think of You" by the Babys...a strange song for inspiration but every time I think of her, I smile...when I don't cry...

Bye Darlings...honor the amazing Debbie Shelton on Wednesday by doing one of the things I mentioned...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Good Day Sunshine

Today was Festival day at our church/school...

I think I have blogged about Festival before...that once upon a time I was the chairman (that was hell) and that many times I was in charge of cascarones (confetti eggs)...

and that I usually like to stay afterwards and float the kegs...

But not this year.

Because I was a tiny, itty bitty bit...well, heck...I had a hangover...

maybe I should have called this blog "Jose Cuervo You are a Friend of Mine"...because last night I drank several...several...skinny girl margaritas...

wish I had never discovered those...I was doing good saying no to tequila until I discovered a low calorie margarita...and I like them better...

so...I had a few margs last night while I celebrated my girlfriends birthdays.

It was a blast...

I have discovered some nice things about being "the single girl" in a crowd of couples:
1) they feel they need to babysit you so you get rides to and from the parties so you don't have to drive...and then you can drink!
2) the husbands take care of you by buying drinks for you when they get one for their wife
3) if you are someplace where there is no bartender, the males will make the drink for you...just smile and say "I'd love a...."

hmmmmm...

maybe I should have tried this single thing sooner...

So I decided NOT to float the kegs today...because beer just sounded...awful...

But the party was a blast so it was worth it.

I did enjoy the festival too...by then my hangover had subsided...and it was bright and sunny and beautiful out and I threw on shorts I hadn't worn in YEARS and enjoyed myself...and managed not to let one child hit me in the head with a cascarone...

see the problem with cascarones is the confetti...it becomes like a virus...it multiplies and spreads and before long you have confetti everywhere...your car...your house...your bed...

so...no confetti for me today...would have mussed up the hair and the hair was looking good.

Before heading to the festival I made something really delicious for dinner. It was my friend Alicia's Pulled Pork.

I find it interesting and fascinating that Alicia is a vegetarian so therefore she has never eaten this incredible pulled pork.

Her daughter, Hatsie, whom I have known since she was a baby in diapers, writes a great blog about cooking. I'm going to link you to it so you can get the recipe because she is so good at explaining it. All you need to know is that it is amazing.

I recommend becoming a follower of Hatsie's blog...she has some really great recipes.

http://tworecipes.blogspot.com/2011/04/mamas-pulled-pork.html

Hatsie's Mama...my friend Alicia the Delicious also writes a blog...here is a link...I think you will all like it...

http://aliciashealthchallenge.blogspot.com

I have another friend who blogs...she is so much wittier and funnier than me...I hope she won't mind me linking her blog here...but she cracks me up...and she is so very real...

http://maggiesextraneousthoughts.blogspot.com/2011/03/geekdom-and-other-reasons-my-kids-need.html


I have one more blog to share...she's a favorite of mine...she's a gal who has lost of ton of weight by gastric banding...but she is funny as all get out...

http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/2011/04/dont-give-up.html

so give them a look...they are all great blogs I follow...

I know that this is a lazy way to blog...just linking you to other blogs, but I think they all have a point of view...and are fun to follow...

and that pulled pork is just the bomb people...

I plan to feed a few coaches with the leftovers...

they might propose marriage...

no, I just got rid of a husband...

and have full custody of the closet....

and why the heck would I give up that?

Inspiration Song: "Good Day Sunshine" by the Beatles

bye darlings...enjoy the sunshine...check out those blogs...and make that pork...it may not be good for the diet but it is good for the soul...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm So Excited

OK...confession...I'm writing this blog on a teensy bit of vodka...'cause I am celebrating.

Dimples is gonna be...pissed...

cause I did it last night too...oh well...

so please forgive typos, grammar errors, and general craziness...

You see...

I have a reason to celebrate!

I am going to the Oprah Winfrey Show!!!!!

Now before you all start screaming with joy for me you need to know:
I WILL NOT BE A FEATURED GUEST BUT RATHER I HAVE BEEN INVITED TO SIT IN THE AUDIENCE WITH A GROUP OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE ALL LOST OVER 100 POUNDS

So no, I don't get to talk to Oprah..

And no, I don't get the Vera Wang gown...

And no, I don't get special shoes or a makeover...

although I didn't really want the makeover and had a male friend tell me yesterday: "don't let them cut your hair...it is your greatest asset...it is beautiful"...

awwwwww....how sweet...

(I got a haircut today...kept my length...got some sexy layers...my friend says it looked good)

I was a little sad and disappointed...thought about not going...but then Dimples pointed out to me that it WAS the Oprah show...and it was a chance of a lifetime...and I should be very flattered that they invited me to the show.

He is right!

He usually is...darn it...

So I am going to Chicago!!!!!!!

And I am taking my aunt Jane...the best person in the world...with me.

We are going to have a mini-vaca of it and we are going to live my mother's dream and see the Oprah Winfrey show.

Now some of you will find this an eensy teensy bit disappointing, but after I got over my disappointment I really got excited. I mean, it IS OPRAH...

Oprah

Oprah

Oprah

Oprah

Her name is like magic...

And I am going to get to sit in her audience...surrounded by other people who have done what I have done...we have all lost incredible amounts of weight...

I have decided to wear my mother's Gucci dress. It fits me...it is hot...it is sexy but will look good on camera.

I'm going to wear fierce red heels.

I'm going to wear her jewelry.

My mother WILL be at that show.

They suggest bright colors but I don't have a bright colored dress that belonged to my mother that is right for the show. So I will wear the black knit Gucci.

Yes, I said "knit"...

it fits like a glove...

and I look damn good in it.

After the show, Dimples be damned...I'm going to eat some Chicago pizza. The taping is in the morning so I will have a pig out lunch and eat some pizza and not feel guilty.

Because I have earned it...

and I can pay for it later...Dimples will make sure of it.

He's really excited for me. He really wanted to go but his schedule won't allow it...not sure his girlfriend would be all that excited about it either.

And Jane is the perfect person to do this with me...she's been right beside me all along and she knows how much this would mean to my mother (her sister).

My other exciting news...my little visit to the plastic surgeon...

So I went and saw a doctor. I really liked him.

So I showed him the "before" photos...he was shocked....

And then he looked at me and...and this is great news...he said I DID NOT need a full body lift!!!!

Only a tummy tuck and breast work.

You see, most people who have lost the amount of weight I have, and have done it more than once like I have, and are my age...well, the skin sags all around your middle...front and back.

But Dimples has carved it off me so skillfully that I only need the tummy tuck. My sides and back are just fine thankyouverymuch!!!!!

He suggests:
tummy tuck
breast lift
breast augmentation
a tiny bit of liposuction on my inner and outer thighs and a nip at the waist....

The surgery itself scares me a bit...the recovery scares me a lot.

I'm interviewing a few more surgeons...and I think I will wait until fall to do it so that I'm not wearing a compression garment during the summer.

But it will be my reward to myself...to finish myself off in a good way. And since I am going to be single, I want to feel good about myself before I take that next step and enter into a relationship with someone.

I told a friend that the surgeon said he could make me "smokin' hot"...

My friend said "you already are"...

awwwww...how sweet...

that was just like when GOTT told me I WAS beautiful when I said I wanted to lose weight to be beautiful.

I am lucky to have friends who are so sweet and supportive.

So there you have it...two things to be excited about...OPRAH and good news from the surgeon (because a full body lift would have just been hell...just hell).

Inspiration Song: "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters...remember that song? Flashback to the 80's...

Bye Darlings....get excited...not just for me but for yourself...do something that excites you today!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Want to Hold Your Hand

So let's put the "divorce talk" away for a bit.

But wait...

Before I do, I want to reassure you all that I am fine...no, make that GOOD and I'm happy and I find that I am doing better than I ever expected to.

OK...so let's get back to blogging about other stuff, shall we?

As I blog, I am watching "The Biggest Loser" while skipping back and forth to watch a re-run of Glee.

Today both shows are impacting me...even though I have seen the Glee one before.

The Glee show dealt with religion...do you or do you not have faith?

I"ve often said:

"My blog. My opinion."

And yes, sometimes I get pretty controversial here...gay rights, questioning God, etc.

But today I will not ask if you have faith in God or believe in Him.

(for the record...I do...and I do...)

But what I do want to ask you is...

Do you have faith IN YOURSELF?

I do...but sometimes I don't.

I DO have faith that:
I can keep losing and stay healthy
I have done the right thing by getting divorced
I will survive this divorce
I am a great mom raising great kids...and I can do it without a husband at home

Where I am a little shaky:
Taking care of the house by myself
meeting someone new to have in my life...will I meet someone? Will I be ready?
how my battered and embattled body looks (saw a plastic surgeon today)
getting through this divorce without causing major stress to my kids
Oprah...not in her...great faith in her...but do I stand a chance with the show?

Now where does the Biggest Loser tie into this?

Well, aside from the obvious...they are losing weight...what inspires me is how supportive they are of each other.

It is the faith they have in each other...and the faith they find in themselves on the show (Biggest Loser).

So putting it together...we need to have faith in ourselves...but sometimes we also need others to have faith in us.

When I grabbed that Vera Wang out of my mother's closet years ago I did NOT have faith that I would wear it...but Jane (my aunt---the best person in the world) did. She had faith in me.

And when I decided 14 months ago that I would wear that little size 8 dress even though I was a size 24/26...well, that is where I found that my faith carried me through...because it was pretty gutsy (and stupid) to think I was going to fit into that dress...but I did.

So here is where I am going to offer to hold your hand.

I've had several friends email or message me about how to do this...or how to get started...or how to stick with it.

Well, let me hold your hand...

Call me...text me...message me...email me...come and find me...

And I will hold your hand...and I will give you my faith in you...

But first, you must find the faith in yourself...

But if it is shaky...hold my hand...and I will hold yours...

Inspiration Song: "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles...or the lovely Glee version...

Bye Darlings...I want to hold your hand...and please hold mine...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Maybe

Ok...I'm not getting lazy with my blog but, well, maybe I am...

It's not really (all) my fault...my computer was hijacked by my 17 year old daughter. It seems that she has either:
1)broken her new power cord for her powerbook
2)has a powerbook that breaks power cords
or
3)has a broken powerbook

God I hope it is not #3...

so she took over my computer to do a term paper...one she decided to start on Sunday at 2:00...that was due Monday.

Her excuse...prom was the night before.

I'll post photos of her and her cute boyfriend later...and yes, she looked totally amazing.

But just when I think I'm going to get my computer back she has more homework to do.

I'm going to the damn apple store with her computer tomorrow. I want my Mac back...

and to top it off, my ex took the good printer and has left me with the old one...which he claims is easy as pie to set up but when I tried to bribe him with dinner he did nothing more than install the software disk and it's not working...

and I need my darn printer...

so things are not good tech-wise in my house.

I did spend the weekend rearranging the furniture and working with D-Nice to "cute" up the place. And when the ex told me he didn't like where I hung something I said:

"too bad you don't get an opinion anymore about it"

Hey...I can't be nice all the time.

So today I got to chaperone a field trip. That wasn't so bad...84 kids in an art museum. My group actually LOOKED at the art. They even asked questions. They got all excited when they saw the Seurat paintings and all the little dots. They knew that Manet and Monet were not the same guy...

Oh yes, and my "group" was 7 13-year-old boys...

I hear the shock and awe from you...

BTW, if you are in Houston you need to go to the MFA and see the Impressionist Exhibit while it is here. I will come with you and lead you and be your docent if you want. I know my Cassatts from my Degas and Renior...

So after the art museum we let them run loose in the sculpture garden and then took them to the Museum of Natural Science to watch an IMAX film about some dinosaur that lived in the ocean billions of years ago.

Now you are asking...that's the best description she can give?

Well, yes...because I slept through it.

It was dark and comfy in there and I didn't sleep well last night...so I took a little catnap.

Then I got to and deal with lacrosse junk...some day I will get paid for what I do for the school...in the meantime I have told my precious "boys" (the coaches) that I like pink lilies...and they darn better sure present me with a giant bouquet when the season is over.

After that it was Dimples time. He decided to punish me for my bad behavior (cheese and 5 or 6 dirty Belvedere Martinis...don't ask...just know that I got up and did spin class and body pump the next day and managed to sweat out the Belvedere vodka and the Tom Ford Black Orchid perfume I wore the night before).

Dimples now uses Oprah as a means to control me. He just keeps saying "don't you want to be on Oprah? She won't call if you stop"...

I am so doing something terribly evil to him soon. I mean the man threw pine needles at me when I did my squats. I have now reached the point when he tells me to do something I say "I love you" so I won't hate him.

It works...but maybe I just do love him...'cause I do...'cause he is not only the best personal trainer in the world, he's a great guy to boot.

But poor baby also had to deal with me sitting on the bench (as he was making me do bench squats...don't ask what they are...evil is what they are) and I started to cry. And he tried his best to get me back to working out but I just cried and let some stress out. And he dearly tried to cajole me out of it but I just had to let it out.

Tomorrow he will serve me a double ass kicking for it...and the Belvedere...and he will threaten me with Oprah again...sheesh....

OK, so here is where I get lazy. I'm gonna print some lyrics...because they really describe how I have been feeling for a while now...

I like this song.

It's called "Maybe"...I've added some notes...(my notes in parenthesis)


MAYBE

Maybe I'm a dreamer (yes I am...hello...OPRAH?)
Maybe I'm misunderstood (by my teenage daughter Ke$ha Barbie)
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should (no, but you will)

Maybe I'm crazy (yes...I will say "yes" to that...make it "hell yes"...OPRAH...)
Maybe I'm the only one (no)
Maybe I'm just out of touch (Ke$ha Barbie again...)
Maybe I've just had enough (yes, I had...)

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk away
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something new
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

(and those two verses are what gave me the courage to get the divorce...seriously...)

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
What if I can't trust myself
What if I just need some help

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk away
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something new
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change.

(repeat last 2 verses)

So my darlings...read those words again...especially the chorus. Because it is something we all need...sometimes we just need to change...and leave it all behind.

I decided to change after Precious panicked that I was having a heart attack (I have promised not to call him Precious if I get on Oprah...). Thank goodness I wasn't having a heart attack...but his panic did lead me to decide to change.

And so I have left "fat" all behind...and thank goodness I wasn't afraid to try.

And now I apply that to my life and my divorce. I feel bad walking away but I do want to live a better life. Nothing stays the same. I'm not the same girl that walked down that aisle oh so long ago...and since I have changed I need to make a big change.

I've left a good man behind me...but ahead I see life with a really great person...

Me...

So my "maybe" is now a "yes"...and I did it...

I'm glad I'm not scared to try...and I know that it was time to change.

Inspiration Song: "Maybe" by Sick Puppies...

Bye Darlings....maybe it's time for you to make a change...leave it all behind...don't be scared to try...

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Building a Mystery

Disclaimer:
today's blog deals with some adult issues...not for the kids...and if you are one of my sweet former students, skip this one my darlings...

So...the cats out of the bag...I'm getting divorced.

So now what do I do?

Maybe Oprah will call and when she gets me dressed up she can find me a date.

But I'm not really ready to date...not yet...I need to know myself as I am before any of that happens.

Someone who I am close to talked to me about "my next husband"...

Um, no...

NO...

Hell to the no...

I mean, I just got the closet to myself...why the heck would I want anyone's stuff in there now...I go in there and revel in the fact that it is now filled with nothing but cute, skinny, tiny, "thin girl" clothes and I don't want any man crap to get in the way.

My bathroom...it's mine...

My bedroom...it's mine...

My house...it's mine...with my kids.

Don't get me wrong...I was blessed to have been married to a really amazing and wonderful man. We just don't belong together anymore. But I will never regret that I married him and I am 100% certain I could not have picked a better guy to have kids with.

But I am pretty happy right now to have my life in front of me as it is...

Right now the men in my life are my soon-to-be ex (who will always be a constant) and my son and my Dimples...and that is plenty.

But as I walked through the door of my house yesterday and saw that stuff was gone (to his new place) I had a realization that the way that house looked was now up to me...my opinion alone.

So I'm going to do a few things to turn it into MY house. Mostly in my bedroom and bathroom.

Because someday, I might "entertain" there.

Come on...have I shocked you?

Let's not be stupid here...I'm an adult...and at some point "adult" things are going to happen in my life and in my bedroom...just not while my children are around.

So I want my bedroom and bath to be a feminine sanctuary. I'm gonna "foof" it up a bit and add some lace and silk...and maybe a new white bedspread.

I took down my wedding portrait...it seemed stupid to have this huge portrait of myself as a (very young...21 years old) bride hanging so grandly in my bedroom. It's gonna live in a closet for a while.

So when I do...ahem....entertain...I won't have my wedding photo staring some man in the face but I do want it to be a place that is inviting and comfortable...and for me to peacefully sleep in ALL BY MYSELF.

And now I have the ultimate fantasy...not just a huge walk in closet to myself, but I also have 2 sink areas...

ALL TO MYSELF

wow...

I"m sure this euphoria of all my space and "it's all mine" will fade, but for now it is making me a bit giddy.

I'm sure it is just my brain's way of dealing with it...and soon I will come crashing down and reality will sink in.

My bestie D-nice (rhymes with Anice) is coming over tomorrow to help me rearrange some stuff in the house. She's amazing at it...she can "do" shelves like nobody's business. And she knows exactly what picture should hang exactly where.

My mom was like that...I am not...good thing I have D-nice...

So we are going to work on my bedroom, bathroom, living and dining room and maybe the den and see if we can't turn this place of mine into a lovely family home that a woman is in charge of...not a cougar's lair...not a romper room (that can go several ways depending on your version of "romp")...not a house with animals on the wall and testosterone everywhere...but a place that I can entertain in...LIKE A WOMAN...and I'm not just talking about my boudoir...

I've taken loads of clothes...my fat clothes...to Goodwill. I do not want to keep them around. Unlike my "thin" clothes I held onto, there is no reason to hold onto fat clothes.

I wore a skirt the other day...actually it was a skort....one of the coaches told me:

"that skirt is too short"

I believe I stuck my tongue out at him and told him to can it...and then said "do I look good in it?"...he said "yes, you do" and then I told him "so shut up"...

he's adorable...and the "yes, you do" is why I forgave him...and no, it was NOT too short...and yes, I did look good in it...

I don't plan on doing a lot of shopping yet...so I am glad I held onto some of my "former skinny" clothes...of course that was years ago when I was under 40 so maybe the adorable coach has a point...but I'm also trying to allow myself the freedom to be who I am and dress the way I want to dress now that I can actually wear some cute things.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight...the attire is "snappy casual"...I hate that term...never have figured out what it means but I do know I won't be wearing jeans because I do not own a pair.

But I look forward to buying some and seeing how they look in my new body.

Like my house and my bedroom...it's all decoration...

and how you decorate it lets others know who you are...unless you want to build a little mystery...

and sometimes, a little mystery and surprise...well, that may be more fun that seeing it all...

ok, so maybe adorable coach has a point with the skirt...

nahhhh....

Inspiration Song: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLachlan...one of my favorite singer/songwriters and one of my favorite songs...listen to it over and over...and over...

Bye Darlings...I'm building a little mystery...maybe you should too...