Saturday, December 31, 2011

1983's New Year's Eve...

Is there a night more fraught with stress and pressure?

It's like if you don't do something AMAZING on New Year's Eve...well, then, your whole year is gonna suck.

Not true...

But many of us feel that.

It's 11:00 in the morning and I still don't know what I am gonna do tonight. I have offers of fun things to do but I'm not sure what I feel like doing.

So I'm not gonna worry about it.

I might just end up spending the evening with my brother and his kids...which, by the way, are some of the darn cutest kids in the world.

My 6 year old niece...I'm gonna call her "Bella" (not her real name...and no, this has nothing to do with Twilight) cause she is so beautiful. And she is adorable. She is my bella. Last night she was pretending to give us a cooking class...she told us she was going to make us something "light and frothy"...

How freakin' cute is it that she said "frothy" gotta love a 6 year old that says "frothy".

My sister in law has done an amazing job with the kids. My brother, God bless him (and I love him so), has not always been around to be the greatest dad. But he loves his kids and he is really trying to do his best. And they love him. And I am happy that they have the love and stability that my sister in law gives them. She, my sister in law, is no longer married to my brother but that doesn't change the fact she is my sister. And I love her so dearly...

So I'll decide what I am doing about 4...might go with GOTT and GOTTESS, might hang later with D-nice, might take my niece and nephew to the club for Bingo...I'm not worried about it.

One thing I do know is that I WILL NOT be allowing Ke$ha Barbie to host a party here.

That is a "hell to the no" in my book.

She's mad at me about it...

Too bad...

So sad...

Not gonna happen!

I started the day off with a great spin class at the club...75 minutes of working my patootie off and it felt good. While we were spinning away the instructor (who sadly was not JayVee or J'taime Jamie but a good gal nonetheless) played "1983" and asked if we remember what we were doing then...

I had a flashback...

It was really New Year's Eve 1982/New Year's 1983...

Nuevo Laredo

I'm with a group of friends...

I think I blogged about this before...

So it is New Year's Day...the night before had been ridiculous...I have a vague recollection of going to Boy's Town.

yes, we went to Boy's Town...

What happens in Boy's Town stays in Boy's Town but I can assure you that me, and the other gal with me and our dates, were only casual bystanders. All we did is drink cheap liquor. The rest is a blur...thank goodness...

So the next day, New Year's Day, we went to the Cadillac Bar to recover.

We run into some other friends. We all sit down and start ordering the recovery tequila.

One of the gals at the table is a friend...I'll call her "Pistol Packing Mama" (PPM) because she was.

She had a pistol in her purse.

In the Cadillac Bar

In Nuevo Laredo

So PPM is on her 18th shot of tequila and she looks around the room and says:

"those Christmas ball ornaments hanging from the deer heads are bothering me"

(actually she dropped the f-bomb in between several of the words but I will spare you)

She says:

"I'm gonna take care of that right now"

Now she is seriously slurring her words and I feel a BIG problem coming up.

She reaches into her purse and shows me her little pearl-handled pistol.

I almost threw up

I said "NO, PPM! You can't do that"

And she says:

"but they are bothering me and I think I will just shoot them off!"

(again the f-bomb was inserted about every other word)

Thank God her date heard her.

I took the purse

The date carried her out...


That left me with a purse with a pistol in it...

in Mexico...

in a border town...

I handed the purse to my date and told him that he better go and get rid of the bag.

He did.

He was a gentleman.

Yikes....I can only imagine the consequences if she had just pulled out the little pistol and started shooting...

In the Cadillac Bar

In Mexico...

I have had much calmer New Year's Eves since...

My most memorable with GOOD memories was New Year's Eve 20 years 2003.

My brother and SIL (Sister in Law)...wait, she needs a name...I'm gonna call her Special Sister (SS for short)...

Ok, so brother and SS are living in South Africa and we went over to spend a month with them.

They lived in the northern part of South Africa a few hours from Johanessburg but we decided to take down to Plettenberg Bay and enjoy the ocean and see some of their friends who moved there.

There is a long story attached to the friends that I will share another time but the short version is that the friend, Cathy, was the daughter of one of my dad's very dearest friends. Back in 1982 I was supposed to go to South Africa to spend the summer with her but the social unrest (apartheid) was too much and our dads decided we should not be there. So 20 years later I finally connected with the girl I was going to live with. My brother always said we were twins separated at birth and he was right. She is the closest thing to a clone that I have...looks, actions, words, etc.

So we are in Plettenberg Bay and because it is summer I had the joy of taking my kids to swim in the Indian Ocean that evening. Then we cleaned up and went to Cathy's house...and we had a "brai" (South African bar-b-que) and drank a lot of great South African wine and had the best time. My children were in heaven and so was I. My mother and my sister and her boyfriend (who is now her husband) were with us...and so was my ex...and we all agreed it was the best holiday ever.

The next day we went to a polo match and had a grand time...and used the champagne there to ease our hangovers.

It was a magical trip...and one I will never forget.

Because when you are surrounded by love, and you find a friend who is just like you and you connect, and you have everyone you love with you, and you are under the stars, drinking wine, eating great food and being together...

well, I don't need a lot of glitter and streamers and fancy parties...

well, yes I do need glitter but you know what I mean...

The best times are sometimes the simplest.

And there, under the South African sky, I had everything I needed to bring in the New Year.

Inspiration Song: "1983" by Neon Trees

Bye Darlings...Happy New Year! Make sure you remember to thank God for all your of mine is a little girl who says "frothy"

Friday, December 30, 2011

Golden Years

Ok so I picked on men yesterday...don't get me wrong, I really really like men...I love the man-child in my house and some day I will love a man in a romantic way...but they do confuse and confound me.

So today I will put the picking on others aside and pick on myself...

I went back and re-read some old blogs...just to see where I was a year ago. As I read about my frustration with my weight I am reminded that I felt something was holding me back.

And that unhappy marriage.

My ex is a nice man...I won't pick on him...I did that yesterday.

But I was unhappy and I think the key to unlocking my joy was to tell him we needed to move on without each other.

I. Am. Happy. Now.


I am happy now

And I feel good...and I feel healthy and I think I look pretty good.

So here is the New Year's Resolution list I made last notes and comments are in italics...

To keep eating right and working out...and be a healthy fit, woman!
I am

To keep working with Dimples and hit a 400 calorie burn...often...
I still do...and I'm down to my lowest weight in ages...and I just did a workout with Dimples and he will ALWAYS be my and trainer...

To wear one of my mother's dresses...maybe more than one...
I did...I wore the Vera to the Medieval Feast party and my mama's Gucci dress to my son's tie ceremony and I wear her coats a lot...From a size 24 to an 8 in a year...that is my miracle.

To put on a great Medieval Feast with my friend Athena Gal for Bacchus and the kids.
OMG did we do an awesome job or what...I don't think I can ever chair a big event again if I don't have Athena Gal by my side...she is the best partner ever...and she is just a dang fabulous person...I luuurrrvvv her so much...and the feast was an amazing day...just amazing...

To look into getting my teaching certificate...and maybe just do it...
OK, I didn't get that done but I did get certified to be a spin instructor...does that count?

To help GOTT and TTG put on the best "Peter Pan" ever!
Hmmm...this one is not my fault...they pulled the rights to the show from us so we ended up doing Annie...and it was a very very good show...and THIS year we are doing Peter Pan...I so hope my son ends up as Smee or Hook...

To not let the scale discourage me...and to let my clothes encourage me
Spot on...I hardly step on the scale at fact all summer I didn't weigh myself. My clothes DO encourage me...because I can pretty much wear anything I want and I'm pretty happy with my size...just still need the tummy tuck to tighten up the loose skin...

To be able to run a mile without wanting to die...and maybe even try for 2 if my knees will let me. But I hate running...
I did make that 2 mile mark...and then my knee shut me down. But I do cardio almost every day and still burn...and JayVee shreds the calories off of me in spin class...

To get control of my "bad toddler" (aka my new camera)and stop having to have Coach Sweetness tell me what to do every step of the way
Ok, the camera is still a bad toddler...but I have gotten better and by lacrosse season I had controlled it enough to take some amazing photos...

To help Ke$ha Barbie get into a good college
We are still working on that...

To help Dimples get a bootcamp started (email me if you want to join us!)
We did and we had a blast...

To spend more time with my friends
I do and I love it...I get to see AngelAmy every day since she stays with me during the week, I see Twirler Girl frequently, I love spending as much time as possible with D-Nice, and last night I went out for girls night with my lovies...they keep me going and keep me a bit insane too and that is all good...

To tell my friends how much I love them and appreciate them...more often!
I do...

To spend as much time with my children as they will allow me...they will be gone all too soon!
I do...

To decorate for Christmas...
I did! And even bought a new tree!

To use more glitter and fairy dust (stealing this one from my friend V)...but I honestly love love love glitter and sparkle.
I did...GOTT even let me sparkle the heck out of one costume this time...and since we are doing Peter Pan this year I get to use some pixie least for Tinkerbell...

To pray more...and to thank God more...
I do

To de-clutter my house...and learn that throwing away something that belonged to my mother does not mean I don't love just means I don't need that thing...
I have

To do things that scare me more try new push myself...
I do...and it feels good...and I have learned to be a little more open...and when the really good looking man asked for my number? Even though it scared me...I gave it to him...

To get Oprah to notice me (well, I have to dream a little...)
I LOVE this! Because it happened...and I went to the show...and it was a dream come true! And I got to do it with my Aunt Jane (the best person in the world...) and it was truly a magical thing...

To laugh more...
I do

To write more...
I do

To celebrate every day more...because every day is worth celebrating!
I do

So now what is on my list for 2012?


It may look a lot like the last one...

So for 2012 my resolutions are:

1) I'm gonna get Ke$ha Barbie into a good college....and get her moved out and settled at school

2) I'm gonna sell my house and find a new place to call home...and it will be ok...

3) I'm gonna continue on my path to health and fitness

4) Get the tummy tuck done

5) Help GOTT and TTG with Peter Pan...and my son will be wonderful in whatever role he has...

6) To survive getting my son into a private high school...and to survive him being a freshman

7) To get my divorce finalized

8) To go back to my maiden name when my divorce is finally finalized...

9) To survive graduation....and graduation parties

10) To be open to opening my heart to a new who will drink red wine with me and drives a big ass truck...and brings me lilies...and tells me I'm pretty...and to not freak out if he says he has a grandchild...I just have to accept the age bracket that I am in ...

11) To be able to throw things out or give things away and be good with it because wherever I move will be a smaller place and I need to downsize...I have downsized my body...need to downsize my "stuff" now

12) And I know divorce means changes in how much I get to see my kids so I am making peace with that and will continue to do so...

13) To continue to put my children first...

14) To spend more time with my friends and family

15) To laugh love grow

So I guess that list is pretty good for me...not making any big promises I can't keep because a resolution should be something you can DO. I'm not putting numbers down for weight loss or dress sizes...I'm just gonna stay healthy and if the numbers continue to drop then so be it.

Last year was a great year for me...even with the divorce...maybe because of the divorce.

I learned a lot about myself...

And next year, well it is gonna be a golden year...this one was year is gold...I can just feel it...

Inspiration Song: "Golden Years" by David Bowie...I play it a lot...

Bye darlings...have a golden year in the best you ever!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Modern Man

Despite being married 24 years, I have to admit that the male species still confuses and confounds me.

I'm living with a man...but he's just 13...and since he is The Cutest Boy in the World I consider him pretty perfect. But this man-child of mine still manages to surprise me with the things he does and likes.

Take wrestling for example...

That is a sport that, as I have said before, totally makes me crazy. But he likes it.

I don't get it...

What is FUN about grappling with another boy in hand-to-hand combat while wearing a leotard?

All I see is my son using all his might to pin some kid to the mat. And sometimes it gets ugly...very very ugly. When your 8th grader comes off the mat in tears and throws himself into your arms your heart breaks. He was crying, not because he lost the match by points, but because the other kid hurt him...and it caused him to have an asthma attack.

And then the wrestling coaches make them do crazy things like cut weight.

You don't have to cut weight to do lacrosse.

I like lacrosse...

But since I have always had food and weight issues I am a total mama bear about the weight cutting thing...and I have informed his future high school coach that I will not tolerate being told that my son needs to drop 5 pounds in a week...and I won't let him run in a plastic sweat suit to do it.


I DO get that men like sports...I understand that. I used to have to schedule my life around Cowboy, Texans, and Aggie games.

And my wedding was planned for an open date in the Aggie football schedule...which my ex wanted to then move when a game got scheduled for that day.

That was a that comic says: "here's your sign"...

I should have read the sign...

I have a friend who is raising daughters...he has 3. No boys. But now he has a grandson. He told me that the little boy confuses him. He's just 15 months old so I think my friend will "get" him once he grows up a bit.

He told me: "I'm ready for him to start talking so I can understand what he wants".

I told him he just needs to know 3 things about little boys:

1) Little boys will drop trousers and pee ANYWHERE. And they will do it in the most inappropriate the bushes at the country club. And they like to show off how far they can pee...

2) Little boys think farts and fart noises are the funniest thing ever. They will inform you that they are about to pass some gas and gleefully tell you they did. And if they aren't farting for themselves they will make fart noises with their armpits so that they can laugh themselves silly. And again, they will do it at an inappropriate time or the dining room of the country club.

3) Little boys will turn ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, into a truck, helicopter, or gun. Give a boy a beanie baby and suddenly it becomes a "laser cat" (if you haven't seen the Laser Cat videos on Saturday Night Live, youtube it...awesomely stupidly funny). A box will be a motor car, a flower can be a helicopter. You name it, if it is in a boy's hand it is a gun, car, or helicopter...and they will make the appropriate noises to go along with it.

I told my friend he was too young at the time to remember doing so but I promise he did all of the above...and so does every other little boy in the's a universal thing...peeing, farts, and guns...

Now MEN on the other hand...and I'm talking about the grown-up variety here...they truly confuse me at times.

Things like:

1) They will ask you to cook them something totally fattening for dinner and then complain about the fact they look and feel fat while they are eating it. You want to lose 5 pounds? Then why did you ask me to cook you fettucine alfredo?

2) They will tell you look pretty when you are wearing workout clothes, a ponytail, smudged makeup and smell vaguely like a goat but then you might here NOTHING from them after you spent an hour getting fixed up and curling your hair. Any man of mine better tell me I'm pretty in both instances...I had to ASK the ex if he thought I looked beautiful on our wedding day.

That was a sign...

Should have read the sign...

3) They will complain endlessly when they are sick...or after having a knee procedure done...they become 3 years old and want their "Mommy". But God forbid you get sick or have surgery because you are not allowed to stay in bed and be sick. You have to go all totally "Florence Nightengale" for them but do you think they want to bring you soup when you have the flu? Nooooo...they will ask you to make the soup because "I might be coming down with it too".

4) I don't even want to discuss how they complain about their jobs...then again, yes I do...

So they will complain about their boss or their employees and how hard their day was. And you have to listen and say "poor you" but if you say:"well today I got up and got the kids to school but Little Johnny forgot his shoes so I had to turn the car around and get the shoes and then we were late so I had to walk into school with him and then the school nurse called and said Little Susie has lice so I had to get that taken care of and then I had to go to the grocery store and then I had to take the car in (his car mind you because he is to busy to do it) to the shop and get the light fixed and then I had to take the kids to soccer practice and get dinner cooked and pay all the bills and clean the house and did I mention that the dog threw up all over Little Susie's room and had diarrhea too and so I got that cleaned up and then you informed me that you had invited the Smith's over so I had to replan dinner and go to HEB again and yes, I got the lice taken care of and dealt with which included washing all the sheets and pillowcases and bagging up all of Little Susie's stuffed animals and I got Little Johnny with the lice treatment too because I thought I saw lice on him and then through it all your mother was calling to complain because you don't call her and she wants us to come to dinner and she needs me to do her Christmas shopping for her...and I didn't get to workout today either...". Well if you say that he's just gonna look at you and say "do I have lice? The Smith's will be here in 10 minutes and I"m not very hungry because I had to take clients to lunch at (insert name of fancy restaurant you never get taken to here) and we had a few martinis with lunch. It was a hard day..."

Then you find his gun and shoot him...all the while singing the "He had it coming...he had it coming..." song from "Chicago".

5) They will ask for your number...ask what you are doing for the weekend...and then they don't call or text...and tell you later that they sat around their house in their underwear and were bored...

6) Speaking of sitting around the house in their underwear...why? Why do they do that? I DO NOT sit around my house in my bra and panties...I wear a robe...

7) And the "scratching themselves"? UGH! My son walks through the house in the morning scratching his arse and his privates and yawns. Grown men do it too...

8) Spitting in the shower...and if you are in the shower with them (this is why I won't shower with a man) they will spit at YOU...and think it is funny...and they spit the "gunk" from their throats onto the wall and don't rinse it off so when you clean the shower you are confronted with the grossest things on the wall. They do it in the sink too and don't run water to rinse it. Why? Why?

9) They still think fart noises are funny...

10) They think if they mow the lawn or put up Christmas lights we should throw them a parade...

11) They also think they deserve a parade if they unload or load the dishwasher or pick their socks up from the floor...

12) Speaking of which...why do men not understand the "theory of the hamper"? Socks and underwear GO INTO THE HAMPER NOT THE FLOOR...and I have one word for men's underwear:


13) And God forbid if you ever ask them to do the laundry...because your bras will be mangled and they won't fold anything...

14) Men think that you only need 3 pairs of shoes: athletic shoes, dress shoes, and a pair of they don't get why you need 8 different styles of silver shoes...but you do need 8 different kinds of silver shoes...and 20 different kinds of black ones...and 6 different kinds of boots...and...well, you know...

15) To get dressed up for a black tie event all they have to do is shower, shave, slap on some cologne, brush their teeth, and put on the tux...

You, on the other hand (if you are a woman), have to shower, shave, put on makeup, dry your hair and curl it and fuss with it, put on Spanx, change your mind about your shoes 4 times, slip on a complicated dress, and maybe some hose...

And they complain about getting dressed up for black tie...and ask you why it takes you so long to get ready because they did it in 20 minutes...

16) And speaking of black tie...they will complain about their bow tie and cummberbud and how uncomfortable they are and how they hate wearing a tux...

But are totally comfy in your Spanx, and hose, and the complicated bra and the dress that, to quote the movie "The Devil Wears Prada", took "fishing line and some Crisco" to get into...

Yes, I love wearing Spanx and not being able to breathe...

17) They want you to go and see Bruce Willis movies with them...but they don't want to see a Meryl Streep film that you are dying to go to..."because those movies are so boring"...but you have to sit through 2 1/2 hours of Bruce Willis shooting people...

I'm notsomuch a fan of Bruce Willis movies...guess you got that...

18)They don't get portraits...

So you get a beautiful portrait done of your kids and hang it up and show it to him...

He says "how much did THAT cost?"

You tell him

He freaks out...

You love the portrait and what he doesn't know is that you spent HOURS getting Little Susie's hair to curl just right and to make Little Johnny's cowlick lay down and you shopped for days for the perfect matching outfits (he will complain about the cost of that too). He also doesn't know about the temper tantrum Little Johnny threw just as the photographer was about to snap away because you told him that "Mr. Snuggles" cannot be in the picture and you had to keep telling Little Susie to stop hitting her brother ("but Mommy...I was just trying to make him stop crying and smile pretty!") and how when it was done the 4 of you (you, the 2 kids and the photographer) were wiped out and everyone needed a nap...and you needed vodka...

And every time a guest comments on the beauty of the portrait he will tell them "just how freakin expensive it was"...

19) He will go out for boys night...and he will inform you 20 minutes before he heads out...

20) YOu plan a night out with the girls...or go to Bunco (he will call it "Drunko") tell him 3 weeks put it on his calendar and the one on the remind him all week...that day, when you remind him again he will complain endlessly about it and how "the game is on" and how he was gonna meet his buddies...but he stays with the kids...when you come home all aglow from the fun you had he will tell you how wiped out he was helping the kids with the homework (and feeding them the dinner YOU COOKED BEFORE YOU LEFT), and how hard it was to get Little Johnny bathed, and how hard it was to get the kids into bed. You will see 4 beers left on the counter and all the dishes are left in the sink for you to do now that you are home because he is soooooo wiped out.

21) He will go hunting and fishing ALL the time. He will tell you he is going hunting and fishing 20 minutes before he heads out the door. You only know he is doing so because he is finding his shotgun shells. And you are supposed to know where they are...

You on the other hand will inform him that you are going away for the weekend with the girls...he will have had 10 fishing/hunting trips during the past year and this will be the first time in 18 months you have gone anywhere without the kids. You will tell him well in advance and put it on his calendar and the fridge calendar. YOu will constantly remind him about it and remind him that Susie has soccer and Johnny has a birthday party to go to. He will tell you "Babe, that is too much for me to handle...can we skip the party?". You will say no and leave a gift (which he will forget). When you get home there will be 16 beer cans on the counter, an empty bottle of Stoli, clothes everywhere, shoes everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, empty fast food containers, and the house will smell like goats live in it.

He will want a parade for "having to deal with the kids all weekend"...

Don't give him one...

22) Can we discuss back hair for a moment?

Uh...Dude...clean it up...get a waxing

"But it hurts"

Yes, and a Brazilian Wax feels oh so good...

Because you better trim the hedges for him but do you think he will "manscape" for you?

I will not date a man that doesn't take care of his back hair...I won't date Sasquatch...

23) You send him a text with an important question.

He answers:




What the hell does that mean?

24) He thinks the word "Babe" is a term of endearment...

Ok, given the right man and the right circumstances it can be...

25)They think they are funny as hell when they are drunk.

No, darling, you are not...

I'm funny when I are NOT funny after 6 rums and Coke...

26) Men will clip their toenails anywhere...and leave the clippings for you to pick up...and sometimes they want to brag about how disgusting the clippings are...

27) To a man, Pee Wee football is a pro sport...and every game is the super bowl...

28) Men love to grill....but they will complain about the work. For instance, you are having a cookout with 2 other families. The men will gather around the grill and drink beer and flip the burgers. When the evening is over, they will complain about how hard they worked. And they are looking for affirmation that they are the grill master and did a good job. Then they will flop on the bed and say how exhausted they are from manning the grill. A woman, on the other hand, will have had to shop for all the groceries, cut up everything, make all the side dishes, buy and ice down the beer, and clean up after it is all over...but The Grill Master did the work...right...

29) You buy a new eye/neck/face cream. It cost $50. He roars.

He comes home...

with a gun...

"But Babe, it was just $'s a bargain! And Little Johnny can shoot it too!"

"um....Little Johnny is not happening"

What is it with men and guns? I have a friend who literally refers to his guns as his girls or "she" and once told me his gun was "the most beautiful thing I ever saw"...I said "really?"...he said "next to you, of course"...right....he speaks "woman" very well but that time he just barely saved himself.

My dad was the same way with his guns...he would lovingly clean them every Sunday. He collected guns and then proceeded to display them all over the walls...the walls of the room that he made my high school dates come and sit in when they came to pick me up.

30)Let's revist texting one more time...they aren't very good with texting...women of course also do the wrong thing and will write a answer back in a word. But what I am talking about here is that they will say that word and since it is texted and not SAID you will misinterpret it. You can end up in a fight because he texted something when he should have just called but they don't like talking on the phone either.

31) They will buy you some very trampy lingerie...and expect you to put it on...and then they are disappointed when you don't look like Heidi Klum or Molly Sims or a Victoria's Secret angel in it...and speaking of which, do they really think we want to wear a garter belt...ever? And that mesh teddy he bought have to twist like a pretzel to get in and out of? Really?

Now don't get me wrong...women are not perfect either. These are just my observations about men in general and any similarities between what I have described here and your man is purely coincidental...

So at some point I will have to learn all the quirks about a new man...make that 2 men because I still have to figure out The Cutest Boy in the World...and some other dude if I ever have a boyfriend...

It might just be easier to find a woman to love...I "GET" women...problem is I LIKE and LOVE I guess I will find a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. I did offer to date D-Nice the other day...just so long as we go to Australia and capture us a gorgeous little surfer bum who will take care of the "recreation" part. She says that is our back-up plan...I lurrvvv her...

I do love men...and all their crazy stuff...and I'll take a new one just as long as he likes red wine, can grill me a steak nice and rare, will hold my hand, tell me I"m pretty, watch Modern Family with me, bring me lilies, likes my angel perfume, and drives a big ass truck...

and no back hair...

Inspiration Song: "Modern Man" by Arcade Fire...their album "The Suburbs" won the Grammy for good is a great album...

Bye Darlings...Sasquatch called...he wants his hair back...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Killer Queen

I have a friend who once told me that my "Theme Song" is Killer Queen by Queen...

At first I was slightly insulted but then again, he's right...

I mean, I am sorta the kind of girl described in the song. Not all of it is true but...

So here is my little explanation of why I am a Killer Queen...

(my notes in italics)

She keeps Moet et Chandon
In a pretty cabinet
(no, it's in my bar...but I wish I had a pretty cabinet...and I prefer red wine and Stoli)
'Let them eat cake' she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
(hmmmm...only if I bake it...)
A built-in remedy
For Khrushchev and Kennedy
(ok, they are dead...)
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline
(I am a damn good hostess...tonight I'm making homemade Mexican food for GOTTESS, GOTT, and GOTTSON)

Caviar and cigarettes
(too salty and not good for you)
Well versed in etiquette
(I am...I am...although last night I was bitchy and walked out of an exercise class...more on that at a later date)
Extraordinarily nice
(yes I am...very nice...)

She's a Killer Queen
("yup" to quote my friend)
Gunpowder, Gelatine
(ok, not entirely sure what that means...explosive?)
Dynamite with a laser beam
(never shot a laser beam but I used to be a damn good shot with a .22)
Guaranteed to blow your mind
(ok, I'm just gonna leave that one alone...)

Recommended at the price
(I'm not cheap, but I'm worth it...)
Insatiable an appetite
(uh yeah...I used to weigh 300 pounds...)
Wanna try?
(please let it be a man who likes red wine and Modern Family)

To avoid complications
She never kept the same address
(no, I have lived here since 2000....but I will be moving next year)
In conversation
She spoke just like a baroness
(not really...more like the hick from South Texas that I am)
Met a man from China
Went down to Asia Minor
(no, I have never done that...)
Then again incidentally
If you're that way inclined
(ok, those lines confuse me...)

Perfume came naturally from Paris
(yes, Thierry Mugler "Angel"...I call it "get a man's attention")
for cars she couldn't care less
(very true...I drive an 8 year old Suburban...but I do like a man who drives a truck...any man can drive a car...real men drive trucks...I want a guy with a TRUCK...double cab...with running boards so I can get in)
Fastidious and precise


Drop of a hat she's as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
(I can be)
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
She's out to get you
(no I'm not...really, I'm not...)


Recommended at the price
(remember, I'm worth it...)
Insatiable in appetite
(again...300 pounds)
Wanna try?
You wanna try.
(someone might sometime...he better be brave...)

So this is a lazy little blog but I gotta get ready for the GOTT family to come over...but I wanted to leave you all with a bit of amusement...

Inspiration Song...what else? Killer Queen by "theme song" according to my friend...

Bye a Killer Queen or King...conquer EVERYTHING

Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas Wrapping

Hi friends!

Did Santa bring you all the things you asked for?

Or where you on the "naughty" list?

I didn't get anything on my list, but I know Santa will bring them throughout the year so hopefully at this time next year I can tell you that Ke$ha Barbie is happy up north in a really great art school...with grants paying for it...and that my house sold to nice people and that I found a wonderful place for me to live with The Cutest Boy in the World...and maybe that I found a friend to drink wine with, cook for, and enjoy watching "Modern Family" with...

I did get some really great things that weren't on my list:

1) My aunts found a very old letter that my Grandma wrote was very touching and special...I don't think she ever mailed it...but I think I needed to read it more now than then. I cried and will treasure it always....

2) Speaking of Grandma, she's almost 93...and has Alzeheimer's...but for a brief little bit of time she knew who I was and that was a very special gift...because I don't know how much longer we will have her with us and she doesn't always know who I am. Sometimes I think she thinks I am my mom...other times I'm just a stranger to her...but when she looked at me and said "Hi, Niecy"...well, I knew then that she knew it was me!

3) I had my first holiday having to split time with the kids with the ex. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...but it was hard to let them go after we unwrapped our gifts. But God blessed me by easing it for me and I'm glad they had time with their dad. Speaking of which, he looked like a hero to Ke$ha Barbie for getting her an Urban Outfitters gift card...she says he "nailed" it...he "nailed" it because I TOLD HIM TO BUY he looked like a hero...thanks to moi....and yes, I'm just bitchy enough to have informed her of that...sorry Ex...

4)My bestie, D-Nice, invited me to spend Christmas evening with her family...that was a true gift! I had a really nice time, ate the best bread pudding I have ever had in my life, and had fun with her, her brothers, sister, and their wives, and her parents and her son who I would happily claim as my own.

5)Speaking of family I had a wonderful time with my aunts and uncles, and cousins, as well as my Grandma. We had a perfect Xmas lunch and laughed so hard sometimes I thought we would all pee ourselves. My family is the BEST...

6) I got a lot of sweet messages, emails, and texts from friends over the past 2 days...I love hearing from friends on holidays...and they made my day!

7) Oh and this one was a biggie...Ke$ha Barbie gave me the gift of TIME with her...Friday night we went and had pedicures together and then went out and had sushi. Having her all to myself, without the stress of travel, made for a really wonderful evening. We talked and shared and ate ourselves sick with the sushi and every time I looked across the table to see her beautiful happy face my heart swelled...and I remembered why I love her so much and that maybe I should not refer to her as "Valdemort" or "The Creature Who Lives Upstairs" so much...

So yeah, I had a great xmas!

But as much fun as I had getting those "gifts", I really had more fun giving the gifts...finding the perfect fun bracelets for my aunts, getting The Cutest Boy in the World the earphones and knife he wanted so much, getting Ke$ha Barbie some very fun jewelry and clothes, and giving D-Nice an old Jim Beam decanter that is just like what they used for Jeannie's Bottle in "I Dream of Jeannie" delighted her so much that it almost made me cry! In return she bought me a beautiful french apron and some Herbs de Provance so that we can start on our journey of trying to cook some things from Julia Child's cookbook. And yes, I will blog about it...

I bought myself my own gifts...D-Nice and I went to Nordstrom on Thursday and I bought some hot little tops that might be perfect for a date night (if I ever have the meantime I will wear them for "Girls Night") and some new workout tops at Lululemon.

(And maybe I shop at Nordstrom too much...because when I pulled up to valet the valet parker hugged me and said "good to see you!" and parked my car front and center as he always does...when the valet guy gives you a Christmas hug, you are a little too familiar with each other...just sayin)

This is also the time of year that I like to show my appreciation for those who "serve" me (waiters, car parkers, etc) so I always give a big tip to show them how much I appreciate what they do. I love giving the valet guys a huge tip (see works...they hug you and park your car front and center) and tipping the waiters 25%...and my sweet pedicure girl got a huge bonus tip for being such a doll. And I gave the guys at Sonic a big tip too (and yes, they hug me too...maybe I"m there too fact I know I am because they see my car and start making a Route 44 Diet Dr. Pepper with vanilla and easy ice for me when I pull up).

I ate far too much over the weekend so another gift I got was that JayVee and J'taime Jamie taught a spin "master class" on Christmas eve. 75 minutes of perfect music and spinning so that I could eat the tamales and queso without guilt that night. For them to give up part of their holiday morning to teach us was a real gift and I love them all the more for it...

Marvin the Package Wrapping Elf never showed up...I waited in vain for him...finally had to do it year that is the first thing I am asking Santa for. I hate to wrap. And no, my kids did not pick up all their trash until I asked them 4 times...and The Cutest Boy in the World still left trash all around...oh well...just part of it.

So today I'm cleaning up the mess but leaving the decorations up for another week so that I can enjoy all my hard work FINALLY getting my house dressed for Xmas for the first time in 7 Christmases...

And I'm gonna workout like a fiend today so I can pay for my sins and get back on track...I had started to lose a few pounds before the weekend got under way and I want to keep that going so that I'm ready for the tummy tuck when I find the time, money, and courage to do it.

Next year here is what I would like to happen:

Ke$ha Barbie will come home from school and gift me with a lovely piece of art...and she will be nice and pleasant and loving...and we will have a fun "mom and daughter" night again.

The Cutest Boy in the World will still be sweet despite the fact he will be a freshman in high school. But then again, freshman boys are the lowest form of life on the planet (right there under the scum that amoebas feed on) so he will be humble and maybe still think Mom is pretty great.

We will celebrate the holiday in our new little house and decorate it and enjoy the fact we are a little family...

My Grandma will still be here and might even call me "Niece" again...

I'll have my aunts and uncles and cousins to spend time with and laugh with again until we almost pee ourselves

The valet parker at Nordstrom will give me a Xmas hug and park my car front and center...although it might be Ke$ha Barbie's truck so he will have to get used to that...

I'll find the perfect gifts for everyone again...and will delight in them opening them...

D-Nice and I will cook some terribly complicated french recipe from Julia Child and we will be proud of ourselves and share it with our families...

And maybe, if Santa comes through, I can spend a little time under the mistletoe with a special man...but if not I have the greatest hugs and kisses in the world from my son and daughter...but it might be fun to have someone make the song "Baby It's Cold Outside" come true for me...and if he has children I might enjoy it even more because it gives me more to shop for!

So there you have holiday wrap up...of course we have New Years Eve ahead of us and time to start making those resolutions...I'll give you mine in a later blog...

Inspiration Song: "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses...Glee did a great version this year of my favorite non-traditional holiday songs...

Bye Darlings...Christmas may have wrapped but the spirit of the holiday continues in us through the a Santa daily and share your love...

Saturday, December 24, 2011

We Need a Little Christmas

Merry Christmas Friends!

So yesterday I blogged about what I wanted for Christmas...

Today I want to give you my Christmas wishes for YOU...

(and it is a great way to continue to procrastinate about wrapping my gifts...why is it so hard to just sit down and wrap the gifts? Maybe because it takes so long to do it and they get unwrapped and torn up in mere seconds?)

Santa might bring me the things on my list but it's gonna take a while before the delivery is made...Ke$ha Barbie won't know about the school she most desires to get into until April, I'm not putting my house on the market until summer, and who knows when I will find a "friend" to watch movies with and cook for and spoil endlessly...

But for you, my friends and blog readers I wish for I hope you get your "gifts" as soon as possible...

1) I wish for you all to know the joy of of family, love of a special someone (romantic love), love of friends...

2) For those of you who are married I wish for you all to have very happy marriages. Just because mine failed doesn't mean that I don't believe in marriage...and I hope all of you succeed where I have not. And for those of you in committed relationships (married or not) I hope and wish for you all to have good, solid partnerships and enjoy each other...

3) I wish you all health and fitness. Let the next year bring you the best YOU ever...if weight loss is your goal, I hope and wish for you to succeed and I will be with you every step of the way if you want my support. If fitness and health are your goal I wish that for you too...and that you might find the joy of a healthy body...

4) For all of my friends who are going through the horrors of college admissions, I hope and pray your child(ren) get into the school of his/her choice and that scholarships and grants reign down upon you!!!!

5) Same goes for those who are trying to get their children into a private high school...

6) I hope and pray for those of you who have teenage daughters that you (and I) find a way to remember to love them at a time when they are the least loveable...and that we don't kill them...and they don't make us want to throw ourselves off the roof each and every day.

7)For those of you with boys who play sports (like my son), I hope and pray that your sons stay safe and that when you are watching the horror that is wrestling/lacrosse/football or whatever that you can repeat the following "he will not get hurt and I can stand here and watch and be a supportive parent"...not easy words to say when you are watching your son grapple with another boy while wearing a leotard (wrestling).

8) I hope all of you have success in your jobs and business....and if you are out of work I hope and pray that a wonderful job comes your way very very soon.

9) Many are experiencing financial hardships in this economy so it is my wish for you that are that you find a way to overcome...or that you win the lottery...

10) For those of you looking for love...a spouse...a is my wish that God sends you that perfect person...someone who will bring a smile to your face, joy in your heart, and love to last a lifetime.

11) I wish that we can all see Oprah on tv again...(ok that is silly and selfish but I can't be the only one among you that misses her...)

12) I hope all of your packages get wrapped by elves...I'm still waiting for one to appear...I hope his name is Marvin and he can tie a good bow...

13) I hope you all have children that will put their toys and gifts away once they are unwrapped...and will remember to say "thank you" to Aunt Sarabeth (or whoever) even though she gave you child the ugliest sweater known to man...and I hope they can do it with a smile on their face...

14) I hope that all of the Real Housewives would just go away and go back to their regular lives without tv cameras...I wish that for all of us so that we do not have to continue to see whining excess...although that one time that the New Jersey chick flipped the table was pretty funny...

15) I pray that none of you become a featured parent on "Toddlers and Tiaras"...really...

16) I hope and pray that each of you receives a gift from your spouse or special someone that makes you smile...if not, see #13 and I hope you can remain sweet about it until you can gleefully return it...when all else fails, and you are confronted with the ugly sweater here is what to say "Honey, it's just perfect! But you know, I"m so flattered you think I am this size...I actually need a larger size" (he/she won't know...and then go return it and tell him/her that they were out of the gorgeous sweater...and buy yourself one you like...yes, this takes a white lie but they will be so flabbergasted that you are admitting to needing a larger size it will distract them).

17) I hope and pray all of you are safe on the road for your travels this holiday season...

18) I hope and pray that for those of us who enjoy a libation (wine, whiskey, vodka, whatever) that we all know when to say "when" and do not stupidly then think we can drive home...

19) I hope and pray that your loved ones are surrounding you...and for those of you who like me have elderly grandparents or parents, I hope this is not your last holiday with them...

20) I hope and pray for all of you that when God presents you with a gift (a someone to love, a new job, a windfall) that you have the ability to discern it is from HIM and you count your blessings and accept the that nice guy in the grocery line who chats you up? Be NICE...he might be your future boyfriend...

21) And I hope and pray when that someone comes along (future love, or a new boss) that you are looking presentable so that you aren't wishing the whole time that you weren't in your workout clothes with smudged makeup and smelling vaguely like a goat...uh, yeah, that happened to me...he still asked for my number...heaven only knows why because he seems to have good eyesight...

22) I hope you all can reconnect with old friends and renew those friendships...make new friends but keep the is silver and the other gold...I should know because I have AngelAmy and Twirler Girl to prove it...and my gorgeous friend Mr. Gorgeous who I had a blast with in NYC...

23) I hope you all find things that inspire you...

24) I hope all of you can discover a love for something ART! Go to a museum...walk around until you find something that makes you stop and might surprise yourself. There is great joy in appreciating the talents of another human...

25) I hope you all learn a new skill or find a new's good to grow!

26) I hope all of your holiday cooking turns out well...and edible...

27) I hope all of your loved ones are safe and sound...especially those who have loved ones in the armed forces...

28) I hope you all read a book that inspires you...or interests you...or at least gives you an escape...I"m thinking of starting my own version of Oprah's Book Club...give me your thoughts!

29) I hope if you have a relationship that is broken that it can be fixed and healed...and if you have wronged a friend or loved one I hope you find the strength to reach out to them and ask for their forgiveness...I did that a few years ago to someone I love very much and she forgave me for turning my back on her when I promised never to do that...and she knows who she is and that I love her very much and that she will always be my sister...yes, WS that is you...I love you so very much...

30) I hope you all have a friend that you can tell EVERYTHING to...

31) I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

So there it is....a silly little list of 31 things...why 31? That is just what came to me...

So Marvin the package wrapping elf has still not shown up so I guess I better go and find the tape and scissors and get to work...and I hope I remember where I hid everything...

So Merry Christmas my friends...may you have a very blessed holiday...

I love you all...

Inspiration Song: "We Need a Little Christmas"...the only good thing about the musical "Mame"...the movie "Auntie Mame" with Rosalind Russell is one of the best movies ever but that musical is not a good one...but the song...the song sure is! I like the "Glee" cast version...

Bye Darlings...May you have a very Merry Christmas...because we all need a little Christmas, right this very minute...

Friday, December 23, 2011

Santa Baby 2011

Hey friends out there in blogland...the Christmas rush has gotten to me and I've neglected feeding my brain with my writing...I've been using all of my creativity to decorate my house!

So yes, if you have read past blogs you will know I have not decorated for Christmas since my Mom died...but this year I did...and it felt really good...and I know she is glad I finally found my Christmas spirit again.

But then again, Christmas is not about trees, and lights, and's about the greatest gift of all...Jesus Christ.

But being the humans we are, and God knows this as He created us, we do tend to want things and yes, I have a Christmas list...

So here is what I would love to find under my tree this year:

College acceptances for Ke$ha Barbie...I need those more than anything

Scholarships and grants for Ke$ha Barbie...since she is looking at pricey art programs

A few more pounds gone off the old body...but hey, last year I was praying to be a 12 and this year I am an 8 so I'm not complaining

I want Oprah back on tv...just sayin

I want my son to get into the high school of his choice...after all, he is the Cutest Boy in the World...who wouldn't want him? I keep telling Ke$ha Barbie not to mess it up for him at her school since that is his first choice of where to go

I'd like to find the courage to have my tummy tuck...I'm getting there but I'm not there yet

Oh...and the TIME to have the tummy tuck

I'm gonna have to sell my house this summer so I'd like a really nice buyer who will take good care of this place that I love, and an easy transaction, and for me to find a nice little house that I can live in with The Cutest Boy in the World and his sister when she deigns to visit us.

And I wouldn't mind a nice male friend to spend time with...I don't need a serious love affair, but just someone to drink some wine with and go to the movies with...

I don't need a guy who will take me out to fancy places, I'd rather just cook dinner for us and watch "Modern Family" (no, I will not force a man to watch "Glee" or "Project Runway All Stars" with me but he would earn big time brownie points if he did).

On my "bucket list" for the guy:
Must have a JOB(!!!)...I don't think I need to explain that one
Must make me laugh (a lot)
Must like to workout or at least take care of himself and occasionally enjoy working out with me (he does not have to do spin class because I will "own" him on that...)
He can have kids (in fact, I'd like that because I love children and I'm better with other people's teenagers than I am my own)
I want him to like to have "guys night" because I need "girls night"
I want a guy who likes to hold my hand
And he damn sure better tell me I'm pretty (often...very often)
And that I smell good (yes, I am Tinkerbell---I need applause to I need a man who compliments me)
A man who likes to eat healthy but will order fries so I can steal a few
He's gotta like red wine...because I'm not so much of a white wine girl
He can drink what he likes but he better know to always order me Stoli if I'm not drinking wine
I want a man who knows I like lilies and not roses...and will bring me lilies
I want a guy who will go to a museum with me...and I will go to a baseball game with him
I'd like a man who will come and watch my son play lacrosse...but he can avoid coming to wrestling meets because I would if I could
I'd like to meet a man who will eat sushi, Indian, Thai, and Ethiopian with me...and grill me a really good steak (very very rare...and I mean how my steak is done...not that it is rare to find a man who can grill a steak)
I'd like a man to go to the movie with who will order popcorn and let me eat a lot of it even though I tell him I won't...and let me put jalepenos on it...and won't ever make me watch anything in 3D or with Bruce Willis in it...

So yeah, it would be nice to find a male friend to spend some time I said, I'm not looking for a husband...I'm looking for a FRIEND...and I don't need him happens when it happens...

And no, I'm not going on anytime soon...or don't suggest it...

I'm not THAT ready to find someone...if it happens, it happens....

When I looked at my "Santa Baby" blog from last year I had to smile...cause Santa brought me most of it with a few exceptions...

I did get the "size 12" but NOW I'm an 8!!!!!
I did get the running shoes...but the orthopedic surgeon shut that down so now i just spin
I did get to wear the flirty skirts and I do it all the time...along with my dangerous heels!
I still have my Dimples to help me along...and he got me well under the 200 pounds I was asking for last year...

So here, again with apologies to Earth Kitt and whoever wrote the original version of this song is my version of "Santa Baby 2011 edition"

Santa baby, slip a new man under the tree, for me
I’m an awfully good catch
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a guy who likes to enjoy some red wine would be fine
I’ll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I’ve missed
I really want a friend and it be nice to be kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you’d check of my Christmas list

Santa honey, I want some things that cannot be bought
Not a lot
I’ve been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed
To my OWN little house
Santa cutie and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with college accepts and checks
To pay for art school
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With lots of colleges saying that they want Ke$ha Barbie
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing NO RING
I don’t need a new spouse
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

Inspiration Song: "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt...the original, the best...

Bye Darlings...I hope Santa brings you all the goodies on your list...Merry Christmas!!!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

New York Groove

So I took Ke$ha Barbie to New York City to look at a college...

Lemme tell you a little something about college visits and open houses...your child will be excited and happy and dreaming about all that lies ahead for them.

You, on the other hand, will spend the entire time panicked and worried about what lies ahead of them.

I would worry less about what lies ahead for her if we were looking at colleges in small "college towns"...not Boston or NYC. I would be much more relaxed about it if she was looking to be in College Station (home of my alma mater Texas A&M---whoop!) instead of a city of over 8 million people.

So we went up there to look at the Cooper Union School...more on that later.

The last time I went to NYC, Ke$ha Barbie and I were joined by her godmother SalGal and her godsister GreatKate and our friends LeeNe and her daughter Ariel (cause she looks like Ariel...not her real name). That was in 2008.

I weighed over 270 pounds and was woefully out of shape.

Just as in 2008, I decided that Ke$ha Barbie and I should stay at the New York Athletic Club since I can do that through my club membership.

I chose to stay there last time for price and location.

This time I chose to stay there not just for price and location----but so I could workout!

Far cry from last time when I literally dreaded every trip on the subway because it meant that I had to walk up the subway stairs. I would be out of breath for over 5 minutes. Too bad I didn't have my "ah ha!" moment then instead of 2 years later when I went up the steps at the school with my teacher friend.

This time we didn't have any last minute surprises (like a lost id and an unplanned trip to her father's house for her passport)...well, let me alter that a bit....we didn't have any LAST MINUTE surprises...but there was still some last minute rushing about and doing things because the night before we left Ke$ha Barbie had to turn in her application to the University of Texas (yes, that kills me as an Aggie but they have a very fine art school) and she had to get some artwork in.

But she got it done...even though she didn't get much sleep...I slept...after all, next year she is going to be pulling all-niters far far away from me so might as well get used to it now.

We headed to the airport and all was well. Ke$ha Barbie was even agreeable to hanging in the President's Club lounge and didn't ask for pizza at 10 am. I think it was because she was dead tired., it's not a good plan to over-tire your child before a trip...that can backfire...but I did wonder for a moment if I might have a new parenting plan called "make Ke$ha Barbie stay up and only get 4 hours of sleep so she is agreeable".

The flight was was once we landed at LaGuardia that was where it got hard.

First...the landing...

I'm always terrified we are gonna end up in the river...and Captain Sully was not piloting our plane.

Then we go to baggage claim.


(Insert various bad words here because that was what I was muttering to myself and texting to a friend who was checking on our progress)

I found the Continental/United (what the heck to we call that airline now?) baggage office and there they were...they were in there.

Seems my bags took an earlier flight.

I sure wish I had been given that option...

NYC gets dark 5 pm the sky was dark and Manhattan was lit up before us----as we stood in the cab line---that was 200 plus people deep.

I spent more time in the cab line than we did at security.

Now that is sayin' something...

Once safely settled into a cab we got back into the New York groove.

We got to the NYCA, checked into our room and then it was time to head out to our happy place.

5th Avenue

Oh yeah...

The lights were gorgeous. Stupidly I didn't get any photos. And I love the window displays. Stupidly I didn't get any photos.

My favorite light display was Hermes. There were running lights on the outside of the building and the entire building is wrapped up in 2 belt buckles made entirely of lights. It is gorgeous!

We popped in a few shops but ultimately ended up at Saks 5th Avenue because it was always a favorite stop for us when we came to NYC with my mother.


I found a really cute silk blouse and Ke$ha Barbie found some colored skinny jeans.

Then we wandered into the "formal dresses" area. We had decided it was a good time to go ahead and look for a prom dress so she could get something unique. I decided to take a look and see if there is something I could get to wear to the Bacchus Ball in New Orleans when I go with GOTT and GOTTESS for Mardi Gras.


I started looking through the racks and pulled out a white goddess dress with some bling on it

Ke$ha Barbie shakes her head "no" and says: "um...I don't think you want to look like a bride".

She had a very good point..not in any way, shape, or form looking for a wedding dress...or a groom.

I pulled out a cheetah-print on shoulder chiffon gown.

Ke$ha Barbie shakes her head "no" and says: "um...I don't think you want to look like a "REAL HOUSEWIFE!"

She had a good point...I am not a Bravo TV star (but I do love to watch the trainwrecks that are those shows).

Then I pull out a navy Badgley Mishka halter necked va-va-voom gown. Very elegant. Very classy. Very beautiful. And I have always wanted to own a Badgley Mishka. And it was super duper big-time on sale...$150 less than my planned budget for the gown.

Ke$ha Barbie shakes her head "YESSSS!" and says "now THAT is the right dress...and that is the type of neckline that looks great on you."

So we decided I should try it on.

It was a size that intimidated me...but I took it to the dressing room anyway. I told the sales guy that there were going to be tears one way or the other...happy tears if it fit...sad tears if it didn't.

I put it on...had Ke$ha Barbie zip it up.



It fit...perfectly.

Well, sorta perfectly.

I need about 2 feet cut off the bottom.

But it will work...and even though I didn't have on Spanx it looked pretty damn good on me.

And my shoulders, thanks to Dimples, look fantastic in it. The draped halter neck is very flattering and it fits like a perfect navy glove.


So once done at Saks we decided to head to our favorite deli...the Carnegie Deli. That way I could be sure that I could no longer fit perfectly in the gown...oh well...

Now if you have not been to a NYC deli I need to inform you that a sandwich is NOT a is a mile-high heap of meat.

We over-ordered.

We always do.

Too much food but at least we had a fridge to put the leftovers in. Corned beef and pastrami sandwich, onion rings, a potato pancake, some fried eggs (for Ke$ha Barbie), and cheesecake.


We headed back to the hotel and settled in for the night.

I got up the next morning and was happy to get into the gym and work off the stress and food from the day before.

I found my drug of choice---a Kaiser spin bike. Put my iPod on "play" and spent 75 minutes riding off the corned beef and pastrami and onion rings and cheesecake. Then I lifted weights and headed back to our room.

Have a mentioned that we were staying in the EXACT SAME ROOM as we did in 2008. THAT was least we never got lost in the hotel.

We had the Cooper Union school by 3 so we opted for a slice of pizza for lunch.

That undid all the good I did at the gym that day...oh well...

I taught Ke$ha Barbie how to catch a cab. A skill she will need if she goes to school there.

The cab ride took a bit but at least we got to see Times Square again and we drove down the street where the contestants stay for "Project Runway"....I kept looking to see if I could find "Mood" or Tim Gunn (from the show).

We arrive at the school. It is right by NYU. The school is primarily 2 very old and one very modern. Google it...the architecture is amazing. 41 Cooper Union is one of the coolest buildings I have ever seen. It is a work of art.

No sooner had the cab driven away than Ke$ha Barbie discovered she left her purse and phone in the cab.

NOT Bingo

She had complained about carrying a purse on the way down from the hotel...I think she may have been right about that.

I took a chance and called her cell phone and the cabbie answered it.


I had the one truly honest cabbie in NYC. Actually I think most of them would have answered but I was very grateful that this one did.

He came back to the school and brought us the purse.

I tipped him handsomely.

We went into the school and into the "Great Hall". The building we were in was called the Foundation Building and it has a rich history...Susan B. Anthony had her offices there and Lincoln spoke at the podium that the Dean of the school addressed us from.


Since it was an open house Ke$ha Barbie was assigned a number and that was her "portfolio review" number. Since her number was 175 students in I knew it was going to take a while.

The admissions head went over the process and talked to us about the "home test". When you apply to the Cooper art school the most important element of their review process is your "home test" which is set of 6 "assignments" that tests the applicants creativity and expression. It is things like "self portrait" but they will give it a twist. It also must all fit into one certain sized FedEx box.

Ke$ha Barbie will nail it.


But here is the kicker...

There is NO TUITION at Cooper.

BINGO have to pay to live in NYC.

And your kid will live in NYC

hmmmmmm....still trying not to need Xanax for that (for me...and maybe her).

So since it is free, and since it is basically the "Yale" of schools offering a bachelor of fine arts degree for artists, a LOT of kids will apply.

They usually have over 1800 apply and they grade 1100+ home tests.

Now here is the other kicker...

60 will get in

yes, you read that right and I typed it right...60 out of 1800 will get in.

That's it...that's all...

just 60 kids.

Like I said...Yale for art school.

If she doesn't get in, it is a numbers thing...not that she isn't a good artist.

We toured the school and then it was time for her portfolio review.

That is where an instructor goes over your work and helps you to refine what you will turn in for your application submittal. Not the same as the home test. Just more of it...And they sort of hint as to whether your work is going to cut it or not.

All I will say about that is that Ke$ha Barbie came back with the biggest grin on her face and was beyond happy.

It was a good review...a very very good review.

We argued in the cab the entire way back to the hotel. Her because she is so very very excited but also a bit full of herself. Me because I am worried sick about turning my child loose in a city of over 8 million people.

We got to the hotel, calmed down, and went out for Indian food.

This is where it pays to be the overly-friendly lady from Houston.

The head waiter had relatives in Houston. He asked where I was from when he heard my accent. We had a little conversation about Houston. Next thing I know the most delicious samosas appear at the table compliments of the chef.


Then we had saag paneer (spinach with cheese), chicken tikka masala (yummmy chicken cooked in a sauce) and lamb vindaloo (very very spicy lamb).


and then we were served 2 desserts...again, compliments of the chef.


very nice...

The next morning Ke$ha Barbie had to take SAT subject tests at a school about 10 minutes from the hotel. We decided she should go alone because she needs to learn to do this if she is going to live there.

She got there fine.

I lived in terror until I knew she was safe.

I worked out while she was testing and once she was back we headed out for a sushi lunch and a divine visit to MoMA (the Museum of Modern Art).

It is truly my happy place...except she and I argued our way through it.

I found peace among the Rothko painting and all the Jasper Johns and Donald Judd works.


We continued arguing until we decided a little separation was in order...we each took a walk and then found ourselves back at the hotel and happy with each other again.

Then it was time for the BEST part of my trip.

I got to see Mr. Gorgeous!

Mr. Gorgeous is a childhood friend. We have known each other since we were 3 but have not seen each other for 30 years.

It was a joyful reunion.

I love Mr. Gorgeous...and yes, he is still prettier than me. His boyfriend is a lucky man and I am a lucky lady that he still loves me.

We walked to Hell's Kitchen but stopped along the way at his friend's fabulous (and I mean fab-u-lous) apartment to look at some trompe l'oeil work Mr. Gorgeous did in the apartment. He also told us about some work he did in his cousin Sandy's place.

His cousin Sandy is Sandy Duncan...the Broadway and tv star....I loved her when I was a child. She was such a pixie of a little thing...and she was perfect as Peter Pan and I loved her in "My One and Only".

So we walked down to Hell's Kitchen and lo and behold who do we run into on the street.

Sandy Duncan!!!!!!!!!!


I was cool but inside I was jello and all I wanted to do was gush and tell her how much I admired her....but I didn't want to embarrass Mr. Gorgeous with being a silly hick so I took it in and now have the pleasure of saying that I met one of my idols.

She looks the same...and she still has that squeaky little funny voice. She's amazing...

We ended up at the most fabulous restaurant for dinner...

44 1/2...

I highly recommend it...New American cuisine...served by gorgeous boy waiters wearing pink t-shirts that have slightly suggestive words on the fronts and backs of their shirts...

"Whipped" in the front..."Beaten" on the back...stuff like that...

and yes, I bought a t-shirt...

and it is a beautiful restaurant...go there...

Mr. Gorgeous and I had a blast reliving our childhood and catching up with each other and Ke$ha Barbie loved him too...and we all loved our dinner...Mr. Gorgeous and I had a beautiful beet and goat cheese salad and the most perfect horseradish crusted salmon for our main dish. Ke$ha Barbie had an amazing salad and duck ravioli. We all split a molten chocolate cake for dessert.

It was heaven...but mostly because I was in the company of one of the finest men I know.

30 years makes no difference...I still love the hell out of him.

He is art director for the Wendy Williams show and is a singer and dancer. Like I said, his beautiful boyfriend is a lucky man. And I am lucky to have a friend in NYC who will help take care of Ke$ha Barbie and will act as surrogate uncle...and bail her out of jail...

The next morning we slept late and hurried to pack and rushed out to try and go to Serendipity 3....our favorite indulgance in NYC.

We were too late...the wait was too we headed to Bloomingdales instead.


Ke$ha Barbie found a fabulous prom dress (on sale!) and sone other things. I got a few dresses and one very hot red number (size medium thankyouverymuch) that some lucky man might get to take me out, lipstick red, ruched, draped, and one-shoulder...and not Real Housewives at all...classy and sexy.

I might not get to wear it until 2015 but what the fits now and by God it will then...and some handsome man better say "wow" when he sees me in it!

After Bloomies it was time to head to the airport so we took the subway (located in the basement of Bloomies) and I showed Ke$ha Barbie how to read a subway map.

Then came the moment of truth...the stairs up to the street.

I ran up them...and was not out of breath.


I'm back in the New York groove...

Inspiration Song: "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley...yes, THAT Ace Frehley...of KISS...his solo attempt at a dance record. Not one to listen to but makes a great workout song.

Bye Darlings...find your groove...looks like Ke$ha Barbie might have found hers in NYC...I'll keep you posted....

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Good Feeling

So it's Thanksgiving...

I just re-read my blog from a year much has changed...but not the things I am thankful for and that is a very good feeling.

I may be getting divorced but I am grateful for my soon-to-be-ex husband because he gave me the 2 greatest kids ever. But I am also grateful that I had the courage to move on with my life without him...and as weird as it sounds, that is a good feeling too...

I am so thankful for my kids...they amaze me each and every day...they bring my life purpose and give me great joy as I watch them grow and become such fantastic humans...and that is a very good feeling indeed.

I am thankful that Ke$ha Barbie has found a direction for her schooling. I think we found a good school (I have a good feeling about Boston) but we are also going to NYC to look at another school...I have a good feeling about that school but not so much about her living there...but that is just the nervous and overprotective mama in me.

I am thankful that my beautiful daughter has the amazing artistic talents she has. They will be the ticket to her future and I can't help but feel good about that and so very proud.

I am so grateful for my son's amazing abilities...he is a great little athlete and an excellent student. And he has the cutest personality ever. We are in wrestling season (ugh...not a good feeling to watch) but my "happy place" is that lacrosse season is coming up in the spring...which also means we will know where he is going to high school.

The Cutest Boy in the World going to high school...scary feeling there...

I am so grateful and thankful for all of my friends. I couldn't have made it through this year without them. Some of my friends have had to really help me through some stuff...some of it fun, some of it painful...but they are always there when I need them and that is a good feeling indeed.

I am grateful for Oprah...but I am not so happy her show is over. But it was a good feeling to go to her show...

I am thankful for AngelAmy making me apply for the show...but more than that she has continued to prove why she has such an important place in my life. AngelAmy has been getting me out of trouble for many many years...and she will for the years to come. And Twirler Girl is right there with her...and when I am with them it is always a good time and that is a good feeling!

GOTT and GOTTESS (and GOTTSON) are my family by choice. GOTTESS gave me the BEST BIRTHDAY CARD ever this perfectly sums up our relationship. She is more than my sister-wife (as we jokingly call each other)...she is truly my friend. And GOTT is my brother by choice...and if not for him I would often fall apart. I love him as much as any woman can love a man who is not her significant other or brother. And GOTTSON brings me joy each and every time I am with him. It is a good feeling to have a family that you love by choice...

D'nice and KuteKaren not only gave me a birthday party the other night...they continued to show why I am so very lucky to call them "friend"...they are so good to me. KuteKaren baked me a cake and D'nice opened her home...and they both open their heart to me all the time. That is a very good feeling...

What would I do without my Dimples? I am grateful for him every day. He has shredded over 50 pounds off me since this time last year and he has carved my arms and back and legs into looking pretty darn good for a woman who just celebrated the anniversary of her 25th birthday. But more than that he is like a little brother to me...and he makes me laugh...and he doesn't judge me for my foolish mistakes...and he keeps me going. Being with him is always a balancing act of a good feeling (the fun I have when we train) and a bad feeling (lifting the damn weights)...but is is always fun and good...

And I have my JayVee....she has become such a dear and darling friend to much more than just my spin instructor. She has held my hand, given me advice, dried my tears and cared for me greatly. And her hunky husband is the sweetest man...and he cooks for me and gives me the best hugs when I need them. Being with her is always a good feeling.

And my J'taime Jamie...again, more than a spin instructor...she is my sunshine...good feeling indeed. Her encouragement is amazing...

I have a friend I will call Kryptonite...he's been a good friend and has taught me a lot...nuff said...and when I am with him it is always a good feeling because he is a good friend...

My lawyer...he's gonna keep the good feelings coming...that's all I'm saying about that...and I am grateful for him...

My sweet friend Gorgeous Girl (Robin R that is you!) has become such a dear to me this past year...she is gorgeous and amazing...and has offered a hand to hold when I need it...good feeling...

I am grateful to Blue Eyed Babe for telling Ke$ha Barbie all about Boston. She had us both feeling good the day we met up with her. Ke$ha Barbie won't listen to me but she will listen to her...and for that I am very grateful.

Trainer Girl has become my little sister...she helped me cook and clean today...and I am thankful for her being in my life...from the little things she does (like cutting my son's hair on the lacrosse field sidelines) to the big (holding me when I have cried my eyes out)...she's good stuff...

All the kids at school give me good feelings all the time...I watch them grow and do their stuff with pride...and I love them. Same with the amazing teachers. I wouldn't trade my "job" for anything in the world. Last week I got an email from a former student that made all the hours I put in working last year totally worth it. email did that...and it was a great feeling to read it...

And then there is my wonderful Aunt Jane and all my aunts and uncles and my brother and my sisters and my sister in them all so much...

I'm sure I am forgetting people I am grateful please forgive me...

There are "things" I am grateful for but they aren't as important as people. The people in my life keep me going...things don't.

I have learned a lot this year about how much I need my friends...and who is really my friend. And what a good friend is...and I am blessed to have a lot of good friends. And that is the best feeling...

So count your blessings...and the people who ARE those blessings...I have...and it was a very good feeling to do so.

Inspiration Song: Good Feeling by Flo Rida...doesn't have anything to do with what I have said here but it is a great song to work out to!

Bye Darlings...I am grateful that you read this...that is a good feeling! xoxoxo

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I had never been to Boston before last weekend.

If not for the harsh winters I might just want to move there.

Lucky for me I might get to visit it more often because it looks like Ke$ha Barbie might go to school up there.

Ke$ha Barbie is an artist.

Now I know all of you out there in blogland are thinking "everyone's kid is an artist"...and that is true...

But she is the real deal.

She is truly an artist.

Since she was very little she has been able to draw.

My mother taught her how to draw a mouse when she was 2 years old. They sat down at her desk (which is now in my bedroom and someday I will teach my grandchild how to draw while we sit there) and my mother showed her how to do a simple little drawing.

She copied it perfectly.

In fact, her (Ke$ha Barbie's) mouse was better than "Nona's" (my kids called my mother "Nona" even though we are not Italian because my mother could not stand the thought of being called "Grandma").

Once she learned to do that, there was no stopping her. She draws beautifully. Her shading and execution are unbelievable. Her sense of perspective is perfect and God-given. She can draw anything.

Her sophomore year of high school she decided to try out the photography course that was offered at the school. The school she attends has an amazing photography department. Their photo labs rival that of many colleges...and the teachers are excellent.

She always liked taking pictures. When on vacation she would often grab my camera and do the most interesting things with it.

I take "pretty" pictures and fairly decent sports shots. I'm ok...not great..but ok...and if I had a better and faster lens my sports stuff would be very good. That's on the "I want to buy" list but that is down the road.

The way I always compare our work is that I say that if she and I stood before a beautiful vista my pictures would look like a travel guide or postcard shot.

Hers would be...ART

And they are...she shoots from more interesting angles, she crops things better and she has a much better eye for light and perspective.

So she took up photography and the instructors started to take notice of her and her work.

2 years later she is the star of the department and they have encouraged her that she should persue it because she has real talent.

She still draws but it is the camera that opens up her soul sometimes.

So up to Boston we went to look at the School of the Museum of Fine Arts Boston and Tufts University. Tufts offers a dual degree with the Museum School so she can not only get her Fine Arts degree but can also get something that might actually help her make a living.

I don't so much see Ke$ha Barbie living in a garret and working as a barrista at Starbucks so she can buy film.

As artistic as she is, she is equally mathmatical and scientific. She is equally left and right brained.

Makes her a difficult child to deal with to say the least...and before we left she was really having a difficult time feeling like she knew what direction to head in with her schooling. She felt lost...

So off we went.

It was not a trip without hiccups and some strife.

It started with her informing me as we were walking out the door that she had lost her driver's license. Not good since she is now 18. So we had to go to her father's house to fetch her passport.


Not on my planned activities for the day. That made us a little late. I just wanted to get there, get our bags dropped off, go through security and have a bloody mary in the Continental lounge because I am a nervous flier...

We argued the entire way to the airport.

Not kidding

We argued about my being anxious to get there and then we had a battle over the radio and music.

She thinks she has superior taste in music.

Not kidding she doesn't. I don't think "Bjork" qualifies as good music. Remember her? The chick that wore the swan dress to the Oscars? Yes, that one...

Not kidding

We got to the airport and got settled in at the club and she complained that we were there. She wanted to be out in the terminal and get pizza.

At 10 in the morning

Not kidding

She can do that...she is a size 0

not kidding

I have never been a zero...unless it had a "1" or "2" in front of it.

We get on the plane and I was overjoyed to find that they had Direct TV on the I watched Food Network on the almost 4 hour flight. Paula Deen cooks sone amazingly bad-for-you stuff. But it looks oh-so-good to eat.

We get to's drizzling...but not bad. Get to our hotel and check a great room with a view of Boston Common thanks to the guy at check-in liking women from Texas.

Not kidding

Then we went to the lounge on our floor and I had a couple of glasses of wine to recover and we had some snacks...then we hit the street and did a bit of shopping and then had dinner.

It was delicious.

If you are ever in Boston, go to "Mare". Italian seafood...amazing.

We started with raw oysters with lemoncello ice...yum....

and then pan seared scallops with a lemon cream pasta...double yum

and then I had salmon...some of the best ever...

The next morning I took a spin class at the gym that was in the same building as the hotel. It was a darn good class.

I met an amazing woman there from Britain. She told me it was her first spin class and that she was a bit afraid of bikes because years ago she had been injured in an accident while riding her bike. It as a hit and run and the driver of the car left her for dead.

Not kidding

She survived but was in a coma....

for 12 YEARS....

not kidding

She was a delight and I very much enjoyed her company.

You see, just when you think YOU are amazing, God gives you a gift and shows you that you are not all that and a bag of chips. So I had been chatting with a woman about my weight loss after the class and she was impressed but then when we met Jan (the Brit), we were blown away...

My weight loss is nothing compared to surviving an accident like that and then waking up after 12 years.

So after spin class we decided to go out to Tufts and visit the university. Except that it was closed.

not kidding


So we did what we usually do when we have free time...

We went shopping.

We had a great time. Ke$ha Barbie is always agreeable when I am buying her things. We went into one store and everyone stared at her when she came out to show me the dresses she was trying on...she looked beautiful.

I bought some shoes...and a pair of flat boots since my other ones were killing me.

After a full day of tearing up Newberry Street (the H&M store there is the bomb...bought a cute dress for $20!), we headed back to the hotel for evening refreshments (wine for me...Pellegrino for her...but I did let her have a little glass of wine...bad mommy...but I'd rather her try it with me than try it with friends and end up drinking "Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill" like I did).

We were tired so we opted for a bowl of real New England Clam Chowder from room service and rented "Jane Eyre" on the video movies. Good flick...

The next morning was the open house at the museum school.

I walked in and knew she had found her mothership.

I won't bore you with all of the details but it is an incredible school for the truly gifted artists that go there. If she gets accepted she will be challenged and very happy. You can tell it is an art school.

It's a little like the movie "Fame"

not kidding

except for no singing and dancing...and no one is jumping on cars on the street while singing "I want to live forever"...or maybe they do and I just didn't see it.

The kids up there liked my accent.

Not kidding

and they wondered why Ke$ha Barbie does not have an accent...

I'm a hick, that's why...

But they were amused by the silly lady from Texas in the blue fur and suede coat with the huge bag...I left my bag with some students in the bag check and we had fun conversing every time I went back to get something from my purse. They were adorable.

So we did some workshops and toured the place.

Ke$ha Barbie was particularly excited by 3 things:

1) the photo labs are as good or better than her high school ones and they lend cameras

2) they have a kiln big enough for her to climb into and stand up in...and yes, we all recommended that she NOT EVER do that!

3) they have welding....

not kidding

She says to me "I get to cut steel with fire!!!!!"

I shuddered

not kidding

The dean who was walking around with us informed me that yes, they do provide the steel for the students to use.

I can only imagine the phone call if they didn't:

"Hi mom! I need to buy some steel. Can I put it on your credit card? And then I have to figure out how to get it home on the "T" (train)"....

not kidding...that is how it would go

Like I said...this is her mothership.

When the other students looked at her portfolio they were impressed...impressed by how good it was and how good her work is for someone who just turned 18.

that is a good sign

and they liked her...and she liked them...

We also toured the residence hall for the freshman. It is a shared building with another art school. I'm trying to adjust to the fact it is a co-ed dorm but they don't live together in the same rooms (thank goodness). All the rooms have 4 separate bedrooms, a full kitchen, a tiny living room/lounge, and a shared bathroom.

At the end of the hall they have fabulous studio space for them to work in.

There is also a common lounge on each floor.

Only at an art school would you find a sign that says:

"Do NOT bring your art in here or do your art in here. This room is for lounging and conversation...not for working!"

not kidding

I thought it was hilarious!

So after our fantastic time at the school we headed back to the hotel and then had a fun very typical New England dinner (lobster, steamers, chowder) at the Union Oyster House.


I really needed the spin class I took the next morning.

On Sunday we met up with a sweet young friend who goes to Tufts. Her father is a friend of mine and she attended the same schools as Ke$ha Barbie. She was the perfect person for us to meet up with. I'm gonna call her "Blue Eyed Babe" because she is. She was as sweet and wonderful as she is beautiful. I told her dad he had much to be proud of. I also told him the following:

"Ke$ha Barbie found her mother ship...and your daughter is the captain!!!!"

He liked that...

So we got some great scoop on Boston, and how to dress, and what kinds of coats she will need, and where to live....and Blue Eyed Babe encouraged her to do 2 things I really was happy about:'

1) to pursue the dual degree offered by Tufts...the BFA from the museum school is a good degree...and it is a Tufts degree...but the dual program will allow her to get that "real job" kind of degreee


2) to go through sorority she can make friends up there...

I told Blue Eyed Babe she was forever in my debt for that...even if I am a Pi Phi and there is no Pi Phi chapter there...

Ke$ha Barbie is unsure about the sorority thing....but she has found a degree plan she likes:

Engineering Psychology

It fits her to a "t"...

not kidding

So we enjoyed our afternoon with Blue Eyed Babe and had a fun lunch with her and then it was time to head to the airport.

And that is when we met the (literally) insane cab driver.

Just our luck

not kidding

First he tells us he is a musician...and when we stopped at a light he pulled out his trumpet and played us the worst rendition of "Over the Rainbow" I have ever heard.

not kidding

Then he tells us he is a tv producer.

Not kidding

And then he tells us he is a non-denominational minister.

Not kidding

And then he starts saying some really crazy stuff (as if it could get crazier)...stuff about American Indians...

not kidding

I was just praying we would get to Logan airport before he informed us he was also a serial killer...

When we got out of the car he handed us his "card" and sure enough it lists all of the above as his profession(s)...

I was never so happy to see an airport in my life.

Not kidding

So we had an great trip...a long 4 hour flight home...and yes we ended up arguing about music all the way home because she would not stop playing her strange stuff on the ipod in the car. I begged her to find middle ground.

Out of 30 songs she tried we only agreed on one:

"Cocaine" by Eric Clapton

not kidding

Inspiration Song: "Boston" by Augustana...lyrics: "I think I'll go to Boston...I think I'll start a new life"...because my darlings, that is what Ke$ha Barbie can do there...and she will be amazing at it...and one day, when you see her work in a museum you will remember I told you about her...

not kidding

Bye Darlings...go to's the bomb!