Sunday, December 26, 2021

I Sing the Body Electric

What I am about to say is difficult to say the least...I share this with you because an important thing has happened to me as far as my cancer goes and once again I write this as a way to inform, inspire and work out my own feelings. I do not write this for praise, or to be told how strong or brave I am...I write this to because my blog is my living testimony to what cancer is and does to someone...our stories are never the same but it is my hope that I can reach some women and we can save some lives...

Some of the things I will say in this blog may seem icky and gross. But they are natural body functions and I trust if you are reading this you took biology. I have to speak frankly about what happened to me because it is the only way I can teach about this disease.

I hope you will read and share and help save some lives...over 5 years ago I wrote a blog ("Unstoppable") to let everyone know I have cancer...I feel like today I need to do an update to that because at that time I had no idea the hell that was ahead of me. I was almost flippant about what I was about to go through and at that time thought it was a tiny minor cancer...little did I know...so here my friends is what it's like to face the beast..

ONCE MORE...

Hello Darlings...

I have cancer

AGAIN

That is the most terrifying thing I have ever said.

But I say it to claim it so that I can have dominion over it.

To go further:

I have Stage 4 Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma

AGAIN

I've said it and now I claim it: I have cancer again

Yes, once again El Diablo is back and he's reeking havoc on my body

A routine scan has shown that there are metastisis and my CA125 is higher than it has been in 5 years so I am in trouble.

El Diablo is back and this time he took me by surprise again.

I was just minding my own business enjoying my new knees and wham the rug is pulled out from under me just in time to ruin my Christmas.

But such is the beast that is Uterine Papillary Serous Carcinoma.

A cancer you have probably never heard of...until me...

it behaves quite badly and recurrences are never good

I have a recurrence of the cancer

there I said it and I own it

(and I am trying not to say "my" cancer because after an amazing counseling session with my dear friend/therapist/soul guide/heart sister Chausey I am claiming what is real but not claiming it to be me or mine...there is cancer but it is not MINE)

Now I'm about to give you a lovely review session of all the fun that has happened to me since November 2016...if you want to skip it (there is no extra credit for reading it other than you get the chance to say "dear God no wonder she knows all the nurses by name") scroll to where it is underlined and I say to start reading again...if you want the full premium package of this blog keep going from here...

Until I was diagnosed I had not known anyone personally who had Uterine Cancer. I had a few friends who faced cervical and sadly a lot of friends who had battled breast...but until I got this I didn't know anyone who faced it.

I've always been scared about getting cancer...and I have a dear friend I love and admire who battled stage 4 Ovarian cancer and she beat it...and it scared the holy hell out of me knowing what she went through.

I have another friend who battled breast cancer 3 times and has gone through hell with it and while she battled I cried with awe at her strength. 

Both of those women became my "roadmaps" as how to handle all of this...along with other friends who have battled cancer.

My journey to knowing I had cancer was a long one. Because the symptoms and signs of Uterine (and Ovarian) cancer are quite silent...or they look like something else (menopause). You can't feel the cancer (like a lump) and the main sign is bleeding and all women of a certain age bleed. There are no screenings like a mammogram or colonoscopy. There are no easy reliable tests.

But not all women realize that once you have stopped bleeding you should not bleed again.

In the spring of 2016 I started to feel "off"...I knew something was wrong inside my body.

I figured it was menopause.

I went to my GP and she ran tests and sent me to the cardiologist.

I had a stress test and ultrasounds of my heart and all kinds of other tests but all that it showed is that my blood pressure was a bit high and my cholesterol was a bit high but otherwise my heart was in great shape despite being overweight.

My thyroid was fine...we even had an ultrasound of it to be sure.

So I went on blood pressure medicines and a statin and I didn't feel any better.

I was due for my annual well woman exam so I went to my gyno Dr. Gorgeous and told her how I was struggling to lose weight, was tired a lot, and I felt "off". This was May, 2016.

She did my exam and all seemed ok and my pap came back negative so she sent me to the endocrinologist to see if there was something there.

The endocrinologist checked my thyroid again and my cortisol levels.

Normal.

God I miss "normal"

Hell what is normal? I don't even know anymore because my body has become a game of whack-a-mole and has been since 2016. 

When she told me that everything checked out ok in my endocrine system I started crying out of frustration...she assured me she understood and agreed that yes there probably was something going on with me but it was not my endocrine system.

That was July 2016.

So I sent my son off to college in August and I thought: "now it is MY time...all the invitations I have turned down, all the things I have not done, all the sacrifices I have made to raise my kids and be a good and present mom are now done and I can focus on me. Maybe I can even meet a nice man to have a relationship with---it would be nice to date and have someone. Maybe I can just get to know me for a while and learn what it is like to be just me".

God

said

"Ha!"

I've learned not to make plans anymore...when I do God lets me know I'm not in control.

Two weeks after sending the kiddo off I woke up in a pool of blood in my bed.

I've had bad periods but not that bad.

A few weeks later it happened again.

A tingling started inside my brain that something was wrong but every time the word "cancer" entered my brain I swatted it away.

By October I was not only having periods from hell with clots the size of tampons but then I began to bleed in between my periods...and I was on the pill to control that...

After 10 days straight of bleeding I knew I had to do something.

I saw my gyno and she began to run tests...she confirmed that my bleeding was a sign that there was something wrong and we needed to get to the bottom of it.

And I was in a lot of pain.

Like needing pain meds kind of pain.

I had an ultrasound of my uterus

it was "normal"

except for fibroids...which we knew were there...

I had a CT scan...

It was "normal"

just an enlarged uterus (the size of a uterus that is 3 months pregnant) and some enlarged lymph nodes...

nothing to panic about...

but she also ran a blood test called a CA125 that measures proteins given off by cancer cells.

"Normal" is under 35...

I was in the 600's...

yeah that was not "normal"

Y'all I'm a high achiever and I like to be the top of the class but this was one time that my overachieving was not in my favor...

Dr Gorgeous and Dr Hubby (her husband who is also a gyno) knew that there was trouble ahead and so I was scheduled for a D&C (and biopsy...but I wasn't aware of that at that time).

On November 4, 2016 I went to their office and had a D&C and Dr Gorgeous took a lot of biopsies because she could see from the scope that there was something wrong...

That morning after the procedure and after a few tears it was decided that I was going to have a hysterectomy but first we would wait for the pathology results to see what the heck was going on.

Cancer buzzed in my head again but again I swatted it away and went on doing my job at the school.

But the possibility of cancer being the cause of my troubles kept creeping into my head.

GOTT (the smartest man I know who just happens to be my work hubby and male bestie) said "you don't have cancer until they tell you that you have cancer". The man is not only the greatest teacher ever but he also knows just what to say to keep me calm (although sometimes when he says "I just want you to handle it" I want to throat punch him...then I handle it...)

I held on to that nugget of great advice.

Dr. Gorgeous would call and text to check in on me...the pathology was taking a lot longer than we expected.

The pain got worse each day.

A lot of pain.

Like take a Tylenol 3 every night when I got home pain.

My uterus was screaming to get out.

I prepared for my hysterectomy and while I was literally on my way to the hospital for my pre-surgery labs and screening I got a phone call from Dr Gorgeous.

She told me to pull over.

You know that bad news is ahead when you are told to pull over...

Kute Karen was along for the ride so she held my hand while Dr Gorgeous informed me that the cells in the biospy were abnormal and the pathologist was trying to pinpoint what it was but it did indeed seem to possibly be cancer.

Cancer

How did I go from being a woman who was looking forward in life to one who's life might end?

I did the pre-op stuff but Dr Gorgeous warned me that most likely she would not be doing the hysterectomy.

An hour later, on November 14, 2016 she called me back and said she had cancelled my hysterectomy and gave me the name of the oncologist I would be seeing later that week.

It was cancer

We didn't know yet what kind but yeah...cancer...

C

A

N

C

E

R

My world stopped.

I needed an oncologist?

What

The 

Hell

And then I went to the liquor store and bought the biggest bottle of vodka I could find. I also booked my bikes at Revolution so I could ride nd yoga myself into not going insane.

I ran into a friend when I was in the parking lot of the liquor store. She saw me in my car and as she walked up she found me crying.

She held my hand and helped me out of the car and pushed the basket in the liquor store and was very "present" for me at that moment. I don't think I would have gotten my vodka without her...

and dammit I needed vodka

My next step was to call the oncologist office and make an appointment.

I have an oncologist.

There I said it and I own it

Actually I have 2 now...both are totally badass

Words I never thought I would say.

Thanks to my gyno they already had an appointment booked for me for the end of the week but they needed information...I numbly gave it to them, took down the address of where I was to go and felt like I was living in some surreal dream and I was very ready to wake up.

On Thursday, November 17 at around 7 o'clock I got the call that made it all become very real.

The pathologist had confirmed that I had Uterine cancer.

Some sort of rare, agressive kind but that is what it was.

Dr. Gorgeous called me and in the kindest and most loving way possible she told me the news.

We cried on the phone a bit and I kept thinking "this can't be real".

After I hung up with her I took a stiff drink and called my Aunt Jane (she is my "person"...she's my best friend, my confidante, my mom, my aunt, my rock...).

I had to say the words out loud.

"I have uterine cancer"

I

Have

Uterine

Cancer

So now we knew...

When the words go from "it MIGHT be cancer" to "it IS cancer" your body and mind literally feel like you have been punched. 

(and just a nugget of advice here---DO NOT ever tell someone who actually HAS cancer about the time you "might" have had cancer...it's not the same...trust me on this...)

I sat on my sofa after those calls, continued with that stiff drink and knew my world and my life had changed forever.

How was I going to tell my kids?

How did I get cancer?

Uterine cancer? What the hell was that?

My uterus had given me the two greatest gifts of my life---my kids...and now it was trying to kill me.

I don't know how I slept that night but the next morning Aunt Jane picked me up and we drove to the Cancer Center.

The Cancer Center.

A place I am now so familiar with that I know everyone by name.

But that day, November 18 2016, when I stepped off the elevator and saw the words "Cancer Center" on the wall I wanted to throw up.

I looked around the waiting room and saw some VERY SICK PEOPLE.

How did I get here?

That woman who was bald and shivering in a blanket---would I end up like her?

The man in a wheelchair who could not stay awake---was that going to be me?

The woman who looked to be in so much pain---was I going to look like her soon?

I was called back to a room and like some sort of magical miracle Dr. Gorgeous showed up and came into the room to hug me.

And then she said "this is where I go from being your doctor to being your friend...you are now her patient...and I am here to support you but I am going to leave before she comes in so she knows you are here to listen to her and do as she says. She is as good as they get so trust her."

We both cried, hugged again and she left the room and told me to call her when after I met the oncologist.

I call my oncologist Dr Rockstar.

Because she is.

And when she walked into the room I knew right then and there that she was going to save my life.

Got an immediate full on doctor and woman crush on her.

Her first question:

Do you know why you are here?

I said "yes, I have uterine cancer"

She said "ok, the hard part is over... now we do what we can to fix it"

I liked that she was ready to go and do whatever it took to take care of me.

I sat in that exam room and as fearful as I was at that moment I also knew I had been led to the right doctor for me.

I asked her about chemo and radiation and she said "one step at a time" and we scheduled surgery.

Or rather TRIED to schedule surgery.

It was the end of November and there were a lot of surgeries scheduled because it was near the end of the year and all the "I can have this surgery now because I met my deductable" people were having their elective surgeries and despite having 30 something ORs there wasn't a lot of room on the schedule to get me in.

But Dr Rockstar pushed.

And I told the scheduling lady that I had cancer and she needed to get me on there.

The told me I would not know until the day I was scheduled if I was for sure going to have the surgery.

I prayed.

So 10 days later, on November 28, I got a phone call confirming I was going to have surgery and to go to the hospital.

I didn't need to be there until noon but I had had to stop eating and drinking at midnight before. 

These days they let you drink up until a few hours before but 4 years ago that what still the norm.

Aunt Jane and I checked in at the hospital and after 3 more kinds of check ins I was given a little room to wait in until it was time for the uterus to get yanked.

Dr Gorgeous and Dr Husband showed up for moral support and Dr Husband made sure I was going to be put into the best darn room on the gyno floor and Dr Gorgeous took Aunt Jane to get something to eat because it was going to be a long day.

I brought a tiara with me so I wore it along with my hospital gown.

Because I'm a princess y'all and everyone needed to know it.

It was a long afternoon of waiting...I could hear the helicopters landing so I knew that Life Flight had just brought another person in that was going to need an OR more immediately than me...

Finally around 5 the anesthesiologist came in to tell me it would be soon...after that a resident came to say that Dr Rockstar had napped, eaten and was ready to battle some cancer.

Dr. Rockstar walked in about 6 and told me she was going to do everything she could. 

I told her I wanted to live so please save me.

I got a big hug in response to that...

She went to get ready and I was wheeled over to the pre-op area and once there the curtain drew back and there was Dr. Husband.

I started bawling...

he told me Dr Gorgeous was parking the car and that they were scrubbing in.

I honestly felt so much love at that moment my fear was gone.

(and yes I know how blessed I am that two of the best gynos in town were there for my surgery).

5 hours later Dr Rockstar went to the room where Aunt Jane was waiting and she filled her in.

It wasn't a pretty picture and Aunt Jane said she looked like she had been to war.

And she had...

with my uterus...

The disease had spread and was also in lymph nodes that she was unable to remove because it was far too risky.

At that point I was staged at Stage 3 but that changed once Dr. Angel saw my scans 6 months later.

Recovery was hard...and knowing that I was facing chemo and radiation made it harder.

Since that surgery I have had 4 more trips to the OR thanks to cancer:

a hernia repair because I lifted heavy things too soon

a spinal fusion on my L4/L5 disk

a spinal fusion on my L3/L4 disk

another spinal fusion on L3/L4 disk that decided to disentigrate

I have also had:

6 rounds of carboplatin/taxol

25 rounds of pelvic radiation

3 rounds of brachytherapy (internal radiation)

30 rounds of radiation to lymph nodes in my neck (boosted by weekly rounds of chemo)

a year of cisplatin/gemcitibine chemo every 3 weeks

(then got allergic to cisplatin)

5 months of gemcitibine chemo every 2 weeks

and then the miracle of Keytruda/Lenvima which is immuntherapy and chemo pills and was on that from December 2019 until March 2021. 

I kept my hair because I cold capped but chemo took my lashes and brows for a while.

My weight has blown up thanks to constant steroids being prescribed.

I have fought cancer pretty much non-stop for 4 years and 4 months...

Cancer will take your dignity and modesty away...and when it is a gyno cancer you learn to quietly accept that you will have the most intimate parts of your body exposed and examined.

I have a cancer that has a terrible prognosis...but I plan to be an exception to that rule.

People say I'm brave...inspirational...strong...a warrior...

I do not know if any of that is really true...

because there are days that I am so weak I don't want to get out of bed and it's not the cancer but rather my own exhaustion of having to constantly fight this beast.

I may be brave but I cry every time I am poked with an iv and every time I got on the table for radiation I was terrified.

I do not think I am anything special...I'm just a woman who was put in front of a lion and told to fight.

On March 12, 2021 I finally got to hear the words I had wanted to hear for so long:

"I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE"

My wonderful oncologist Dr Pretty P told me that...we hugged, we laughed, we cried...

I couldn't believe it was real.

I beat the beast.

El Diablo was vanquished.

I could go on with living my life without cancer treatments.

She was very careful to say "I'm giving you a break".

She never said "you are done"

or that I was cured...because UPSC is pretty much impossible to kill

But at that moment my Aunt Jane and I got to celebrate what had seemed impossible.

Immunotherapy had saved me.

So I booked a knee replacement and lived through the hell of that.

And then my colon decided that colitis would be a fun thing to try and I ended up with diarrhea for over 2 months nonstop.

The gastroenterologists say it was my body's reaction to the Keytruda.

I got so sick I had 2 trips to the ER because of it and a hospitalization for a week along with a super fun colonoscopy that is miserable if you are healthy and damn near impossible if you are really sick.

I was really sick.

They had to give me ativan just to get through the prep so I was pretty much a drunken sailor the whole time and the prep was so vile it made me sick to my stomach.

I have to give praise and thanks to my charge nurse who finally put a stop to the prep once she realized how sick and weak I was and that I had not had a morsel of solid food for 5 days so yeah I was pretty clean down there. My nurse argued. He won't be my nurse again. She gave me a sleeping pill and held my hand.

and just because I am an over achiever it was noted in the colonoscopy notes that my prep was EXCELLENT so take that nurse who would not listen.

When they were about to start the colonoscopy the nurse asked if they could do some prep stuff before they sedated me and said she did not want to sacrifice my dignity. I told her that I lost 90% of my dignity having to lay bare ass up on a radiation table for 5 weeks and what was left of that dignity had blown away the night before when I was forced to use a bedside toilet and ask a nurse to wipe me because I was too weak (and she was the kindest woman ever).

Cancer makes you forget modesty when you have the most intimate parts of your body examined and prodded. You just have to let it go and get over it otherwise you won't survive.

I've given up modesty

I've given up dignity

I've given up vanity

I have scars everywhere. 

My legs are now both blown up with lymphedema and I will never be able to live without compression on them. There is no cure. I will forever have thighs bigger than most people's waists no matter how much weight I lose. My lymphatic system is just not keeping up.

My gut now has a mind of its own.

Thankfully I now have 2 new knees but it is hard to use them properly because of the swelling from the lymphedema.

But at least the joint doesn't hurt...

But the rest of my joints do hurt because thanks to the medicine induced colitis and the Keytruda my joints now are subject to peripheral spondyloarthritis (it is a miracle I know that is what it is called because the rheumotologist told me that one hour post colonocopy so instead of the world's greatest nap I had to deal with him).

My right wrist is so bad there is a lump...it will likely get worse and might need surgical intervention.

Cancer has caused me so much emotional pain but the physical stuff has been horrific...here's a little list for you in case you are faced with some of the fun things I have experienced:

Here is how I rank the pain I have experienced from worst to least painful:

spinal fusion #1 (sciatic nerve involved)

L3/L4 disk shredding and laying on sciatic nerve (hence the surgery above)

recovery from knee replacement #2

frozen shoulder (prior to surgery...once fixed the angel choir sang)

waking up from knee replacement #1

recovery from knee replacement #1

hysterectomy

hernia repair

childbirth #1

spinal fusion #3

spinal fusion #2 (hey morphine I see you)

childbirth #2

ectopic pregnancy (but very emotionally painful)

tummy tuck and breast implants

meniscus repair #1

meniscus repair #2

gall bladder removal

pain in my left lower leg coinciding with colitis

D&C for miscarriage

hysteroscopy to find cancer

I don't remember how I felt after my tonsils were removed but I am sure I was a big diva. I insisted I would not have them removed by anyone other that Doc Martin (my mother's OB and family friend) or Doc Johnson (a heart surgeon and family friend). I believe they flipped a coin to see who would do it but I insisted on seeing both of them prior and Doc Martin carried me to the operating room and kept saying "it's ok Niecey". The poor man also had to stitch me up once on my hand. He was a saint. 

Now I am not listing these as a way for you to be impressed (I had to think about how many times I have been in an OR) but yes I am correct in saying that having frozen shoulder was a bit more painful than one of my knee replacements. If you get one go get it manipulated ASAP because there is no getting comfy with that going on. Ugly stuff. Most likely caused by the Keytruda.

As for the sciatic stuff if you ask a certain few of my friends and family who witnessed me during the throws of that they will shudder and throw up their hands and say "I don't wanna talk about it" because someone (someone being me) was refusing to go to the hospital (because Anice doesn't love going to the ER). I have to say I think we all have PTSD from it...

And now I have another compressed disk so it's just a matter of time before one morning I wake up with a backache and then suddenly I fall on the floor and can't walk.

They want to give me a myelogram which sounds super fun since they puncture your lumbar spine and remove spinal fluid and inject dye into it and then you have to lay flat for hours after to prevent spinal fluid from leaking out.

Raise your hand if you think that sounds like a fun test!

My disks are compressing because of the radiation I received. If I need another surgery it is, according to my neurosurgeon, very complex and very long. So long his protege will do it and not him as he no longer has the stamina to do that sort of surgery. Kute Kristi was with me when that news was delivered and we both just sat there numb.

So from March until now I have basically been like a game of Jenga and we have been waiting for the tower to fall. 

Knee replacement #1

Colitis all summer with joint pain (and having to miss my sistah wife's birthday)

Knee replacement #2

back issues with the compressed disk (so my legs sometimes just give out) so I use a walker unless I am at home...

I'm still in PT and I have lymph therapy 3 times a week

So where does the cancer fall into all this mess?

(and dear God I am impressed if you are still reading all of this...but I want to put it all here as a testimony to what happens with cancer treatments)

IF YOU HAVE SKIPPED THE REVIEW SESSION START READING HERE AGAIN

So on Monday Dec 20 I went for a routine CT to check my lymph nodes and abdomen for signs of cancer.

I wasn't worried but I popped an Ativan so that I wouldn't be such a wreck as to make my aunt nervous too.

I drank my special kool aid and waited, got my IV and fabulous Debby (who always does my CTs) put me on the table and I prayed.

The next day the report came up and it states that there is an increase in the size of the nodule on my adrenal gland and another nodule abutting my left kidney. This is in comparison to the CT I was given in July

where there is zero mention of anything on my adrenal gland

the report on July 13 states my adrenal glands as "normal"

so 

what 

the 

actual 

hell...

The explanation I was given is that different radiologists see different things so that may be why the first guy missed it...would have been nice to know that in July...

There is about zero chance of me getting a PET but the radiologist recommended it...my onco ordered a CA125 so we could see if there was an issue

Well folks...

THERE IS AN ISSUE

My CA125 was 14 in February

it is now 211

the highest it has been since my hysterectomy

So I'm in trouble...like big trouble

because a recurrence of UPSC is never good...not at all...

I've told my kids and family and some friends who need to know. 

Last night my convo felt straight out of the movie "Terms of Endearment" because I had to say some very hard things to my kids...but they had to hear it.

My onco tried to call me but my call blocker stopped the call so I have to wait until Jan 3 most likely to know more. I have talked to my pharmacy doc and they are on it. They are trying to get everything lined up but I would still like a PET so we can have more answers.

But a CA125 of 211 is a pretty big answer.

I'm not in pain other than joint pain. I hate pain meds. I get off them quickly.

But right now I am on some anxiety meds and I think I will need an antidepressent this time because this is going to be hard work. My body is likely to react in weird ways (like the colitis).

I should have known something was up when I started losing more hair than I did when I was on chemo. And my energy level ebbed. And my swelling is worse. 

I'm trying to find my unicorn power but honestly it is in the basement right now...might even be the sub-basement or perhaps the sub-basement of the sub-basement. It is there but it is low on energy and hiding...

maybe we should try to do like we do for Tinkerbell and all clap hard and say "I believe" (if nothing else I do live for applause)

I'm trying to be positive but unless you have had an actual recurrance of cancer you can't begin to understand how scary it is and what it entails. 

I've endured surgeries and terrible infections that put me in the hospital and there are more to come.

I want to live

I want to have a next chapter in my life

I want to see my kids do awesome things as adults

I've lost my parents and I wish like hell they were here to tell me it will be ok...I miss them every single day and I do not want my kids to miss me every day like that until I am nice and old. Well at least old because by then I might not be so nice...

My dad and mom passed away at 59 and 60 years old respectively and here I am at 57. 

I don't want my kids to know that pain of missing me until I'm hitting my 80's or so...which is 23 years at least from now so I'm good with that...

So what I need most from everyone is support and prayers...and maybe some chicken fried steak or take me to the hospital when I get sick.

Pedicures when omicrom is not raging sound good...

Valet parking...yeah I need that...

get me out of the house (again when omicrom is not raging)

spin rides and yoga flows

Meals when times are rough and I don't have the energy to cook...

But mostly just prayers and support...you can't imagine how powerful having someone say to you "what can I do to support you" is until you need it...or how beautiful it is to be told that you are in someone's prayers.

I have a lot of living to do and I plan to do it. 

I plan to fight like hell again.

But honey I am tired...not gonna lie it's been brutal and nonstop for 5 years.

I honestly never trusted that I was truly cancer free...often I found myself saying I was still a cancer patient because I was so used to it.

I finally trained myself to say "cancer survivor" because there was no evidence of disease so I needed to move on...and I did..but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew things never turned out as I planned and that something was going to topple it all over.

Once again I feel like I am about to get on the tightrope.

When I was first diagnosed I told GOTTESS (my sister wife) that I felt like I had been dropped on a tiny ledge on a sheer faced cliff...

I can't go down or climb up because there is no foothold anywhere...there is only a tightrope that leads to somewhere I can't see. 

I have no choice but to get on that damn tightrope again and start walking. I can't run or I will fall. I have to walk slowly and carefully and keep looking ahead. I can't look down or the fear will overtake me. I can't look up or I will lose my footing. So I have to walk. Slowly. Carefully. And stay on the tightrope and keep going because I know there is good on the other side. I just have to get there.

So I will take my overweight, swolllen, scarred like a roadmap, out of shape body with thinning hair and hardly any lashes and all my wrinkles and love this body. 

It is not sexy or pretty

And all the cute little filters in the world can't change who I really am...they might look fun to post but it's not the real me...I can give myself doe eyes and lashes and a thinner face and no wrinkles on social media but when I see myself in the mirror it's not real it's just an illusion...I'm 57 and I know my skin is not like a baby's...and I know I have bags under my eyes and they are not the size of a Disney princess...I am exactly who I am...

and I can tell you I am all brave and shit and that I am gonna go into this pumped like it's the super bowl but there is no filter in the world that can cover up the fear and anxiety I have over this...

because that would be as fake as the filters I see on social media...

I can't make my cancer have big doe eyes and Barbie smooth skin to be pretty to fight...it's damn ugly....and what it does to me is damn ugly...

And yes I am a damn unicorn but I am also mad as hell that I have to go through this again...

I was so ready to get off Mr Toad's Wild Cancer Ride and just settle for riding Dumbo for a while but no now I have to go get on the Tower of Terror...(and if you do not know these Disney World references then I feel so sorry for you...)

I hate hate hate hate hate this damn cancer

and it is time it left me for good

I want a divorce from El Diablo and I want him to go away forever

But right now I am still chained to him so I have to figure out how to break the chain and get to the impossible place of No Evidence of Disease (NED) again. 

Keytruda and Lenvima saved me before. 

Not without a lot of trauma but it did work and my docs think it will again.

So I will return to the Cancer Center and I will once again sit in a chair in the infusion room and they will pour chemicals into me to fight the cancer. 

And I will once again smile and laugh with my nurses and be grateful

And I will march forward toward health and hopefully at this time next year things will be managed. 

And there is an excellent chance I will be in treatment for the rest of my (hopefully very long) life.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel...I'm picking it back up, wiping away the sweat and going back into the ring to fight once more.

Thanks for being on this awful journey with me...I'll know more soon...but for now I am grateful for prayers and support.

And thanks for reading this...I know it wasn't a fun one...it wasn't fun to write...

But if I am going to be filter free then you get it like it is...wrinkled and messed up...cancer is ugly...but I intend to beautifully fight it with strength and love and by loving myself...

Ok #TeamUnicorn---you know what to do: START PRAYING

Inspiration Song: "I Sing the Body Electric" from the movie "Fame"...a song I truly love...because I know my body is going to do amazing things...I sing this song often to remind myself that I can be strong and I can burn with the fire of ten million stars...

I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun
And I'll look back on Venus
I'll look back on Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time, and in time we will all be stars
I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth
And I'll serenade Venus
I'll serenade Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time, and in time we will all be stars
We are the emperors now and we are the czars
And in time, and in time we will all be stars
I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun
And I'll look back on Venus
I'll look back on Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time, and in time we will all be stars
And in time, and in time we will all be stars

Bye Darlings...cancer sucks...that's all...