Wednesday, December 28, 2016

She Used to be Mine

Hi Darlings!

I survived my first round of chemo...and in another blog I will go into that ....but tonight I need to pour my feelings out again and not just "report" so here goes...

buckle up...

it might get "unpretty"


First round of chemo is done...

5 more to go....

as I type that I let out a big sigh...yes, a big sigh...

you see it's because I long for the day that I wasn't sick...

I want to go back 3 months when the only thing I was worried about was how to make a 6'4" boy into a Cheshire Cat and how many soldiers we had to make...

when the bleeding that brought all of this to reality was just...


when it was something I was told "might be normal at your age because of menopause" and not to panic

but then the bleeding got worse

and I felt worse



I want to go back to being that girl who was more worried about meeting a nice guy than whether or not I keep my hair

I want to go back to being that girl who worried about losing weight and not about losing her life

I want to go back to being that girl who worried for others and not herself







I am so ready to not have people worry about me or need to pray for me

I am so ready to not have all my conversations lead to a discussion of my health

I am so ready to not complain about how I feel

I am so ready to not feel bad

I am so ready to not see worry and pity in the eyes of my friends

I am so ready to be



I am so sick of being SICK

and I am no where close to done

and I do not have nearly as much illness as others do

and I don't have as badass a treatment as others do

and I don't have as scary a cancer as others do

You want to get scared right back into your "thank God I don't have cancer" comfort zone?

Go to the 29th floor of 6400 Fannin....or MD Anderson...or wherever they treat cancer at any of the other hospitals...

go there

it will scare the bejeezus out of you...

I get off the elevators there and think "why the hell am I here?"

Actually, that's not's the REAL conversation in my head:

"Damn this elevator shoots up so fast and now my ears are popping and oh thank God we have stopped and why the hell does it say "Cancer Center" and oh lordy I have a UT Physician and why am i here and damn she looks sick and damn he looks sick and omg she has lost her leg and omg that is a bad wig poor thing and ok she looks healthy oh no she's just with someone who is sick and why am i here?  I mean what the hell why I am here?  I don't have cancer...this is a dream...a terrible dream...I don't have cancer and I don't have all this crap I have to do to live...and oh jeez they are calling my name and now here is that nice nurse i love but oh crap here is the blood pressure machine that hates me and says "cancer center" on the side to remind me i have cancer and why the hell am I hear and why do I have an oncologist when I am not sick and I don't have cancer..."

It goes




just like that...the whole time...

The whole time I was getting chemo I kept thinking I was in a nightmare...

I couldn't believe I was there...that I have a port in me and that they had to "access my port" and put poison into my body...

When my nurse started the taxol...



yup...big old ugly cry...

I felt bad for him having to watch me...

I'm reminded each night that I have a port because it hurts to lay on my side...

the realization that i have cancer never leaves me...

even when I sleep

So really, I just want to start 2017 and forget 2016 ever happened...

because it ended shitty

and I'm already sick of myself

sick of  the sick girl

sick of complaining in this blog

sick of pouring out my soul in pain

sick of being someone who needs prayers

I like to take care of people

I like to pray for others

and I like to do the fussing over others and not myself...

but that girl is gone

she's a distant memory

she's somewhere behind me



she's IN FRONT OF ME too

I see her

shimmering in the distance

like a mirage

but she's real and not a mirage

and I have to crawl naked on my belly on burning cement over broken glass to get to her...and I can only go an inch at a time and she's miles away














Inspiration Song: "She Used to be Mine" by Sara Bareilles for the musical "Waitress".  The song is so beautiful and when sung by Jesse Mueller it brings me to my knees.  The words are powerful and just how I feel:

She Used to Be Mine
It's not simple to say
Most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt
But who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

Bye Darlings----she used to be mine and one day she will again...I will be myself...I will be whole...I will be healed....but for now she is gone...

Monday, December 26, 2016

12 Days of Christmas (Cancer)

Hi darlings...

So here's what's going on with me...

with apologies to whoever wrote the original song...

On the first day of Cancer my Dr said to me:
you have uterine cancer

On the second day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
you have 2 gynecologists
and you have uterine cancer...

On the 3rd day of cancer my Dr said to me:
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
and you have uterine cancer

on the 4th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologist
you have uterine cancer...

on the 5th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer...

on the 6th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
6 rounds of chemo
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer

on the 7th day of cancer my dr said to me:
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of the poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer

on the 8th day of cancer my Dr said to me:
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery...
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer

on the 9th day of cancer my Dr said to me:
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer...

On the 10th day of cancer my Dr said to me:
10 days post surgery why are you off pain meds? (she was surprised)
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer...

On the 11th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
11 inch long incision
10 days and no pain meds?
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer...

on the 12th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
it's the 12th day and it's Stage 3...
11 inch long incision
10 days and no pain meds?
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
you have uterine cancer...

So there you have it....I went from zero to Fear-o in one quick conversation and went from having just my beloved gyno caring for me to a handful of docs, all kinds of meds, chemo, surgeries (hysterectomy and putting the port in) and all kinds of other scary stuff.

But I wanted to give you a little laugh and a little insight into what it's like to be me...

so hear you go...

all the fun of cancer!!!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

The Lord Has a Will

Hi Darlings...

Oh the lovely indignities of cancer...and how it messes with you...

You think you have energy to do stuff and halfway through whatever you are doing you realize you are dead energy...

I have nosebleeds even happened at lunch the other day...

and then there is the pills and the meds...

I have so many things to take I had to get a special pill sorter just so I could keep them straight...they are all OTC kinds of supplements to help me with the side effects of the chemo...

And I have to inject myself with a blood thinner---yet another one of the lovely little indignities I get to suffer...and it is every 12 hours...

Yes, twice a day I get to jam a needle into my stomach and push a stinging medication into it.

Have I mentioned that I really really hate needles?

Well, I do...needles are terrible.

But so are blood clots so I guess I am sticking myself with the needles until 28 days post surgery are up...

I had to leave work the other day because I could feel myself feeling awful...

I was warned I was doing too much...and I guess I was...

But you see, I have ADD so one of two things happens:
1) I get restless and have to get out and do stuff
2) I don't listen or pay attention when people tell me to slow down

BOTH happened...

And so I went home that day and I just sat in my bed and sighed like some sad little toddler that had her favorite toy taken away.





But in my head I can...

just like in my head I am a size 6 with no wrinkles and slim thighs...

I still am struggling with believing that growing inside my body are cancer cells who have the intent on growing and spreading and killing me...

why couldn't they have all been nicely contained in the uterine package?

But no...I have to have special unicorn princess cancer that is strange and seems to have changed (the first pathology found one type, the second batch of pathology another)

I get up most days and forget about it until I have to jab the needle into my belly...but that's really just about my surgery and not the cancer

But then little things jolt me back into the very ugly reality I am in and I get smacked in the face with the cancer stuff...

Like yesterday---I got to go and get another CT scan...

And then today I got my port put in so that I don't get jammed with iv needles all the time.

And then Friday is the first round of 6 chemo infusions.

The contrast for the CT gave me terrible itching and hives so at 4am this morning I was scratching like I had been rolled in burlap and thrown into a pile of hay.  I took Benadryl and it helped but I went into today's little surgery to put the port in quite tired.

The port didn't hurt too bad, just for a few minutes while the doc numbed the site...and I had hoped to sleep a bit while it was done but noooooo

I had to end up with the doctor who decides to chat the whole time...

I finally found someone who talks more than me!

So now I am itchy and tired...and it hurts where the port is...

and is sooooooo annoying...

So yeah I have all this cancer stuff...

so let's just add to it...

Let's throw in....

drumroll please...


which has come into my life like some sort of jet landing on a carrier...


here's the hot flashes coming fast and furious!!!!!!

The other day my sweet friend NursePhyllis stopped by with an awesome gift: a cool gel pillow for my hot little head.

That should also help with the hair loss prevention...

It's a wonderful pillow and I have slept better with it.

I'm hot all the time, even with this cold blast, so it is a gift from heaven.

And yeah, I am the girl who is now gonna be in short sleeves while everyone else is huddled in jackets...

And my appetite is off...and I haven't even had my first dose of chemo...

But I am bound and determined that I am going to have a good holiday and I am going to get my work done and I am gonna still live my life.

I even signed up for a take 30 classes in 45 days at my beloved Revolution Studio as a way to make sure that as long as I feel up to it, I will hit the bike or mat.  I might not be the fierce front row warrior that I used to be but if I can just get on the bike and pedal or move through a flow I will feel like myself again...just a bit...

I am trying to do something each day that makes me move forward instead of freezing in place...

But right now I am so very tired...and I hurt...and it just feels like I am looking up a very high mountain that I have to climb...

But when I have these moments it literally bring me to my knees...

because of fear

because of pain

because of the loss of control

because of the damn cancer

I remember that I am a child of God...and that He knows every tear I will shed...every hair on my head that I may or may not lose...every ache and itch...He knows...

and it's not for naught...

Because He will guide my doctors to heal me...

and my faith in Him and my friends faith in His power to heal me will get me through...

I know some of you are not Christians or Jews...some may believe and some may not...

It doesn't matter to me if you do or don't because my job is not to make people believe or to judge if  you do...

But I do believe...

I have to...

Because I need to know that there is a reason for all of this pain and fear...and that He will use me to do something good in this world...

it might be to get women to see a doctor...

or to show strength when I feel I have none...

or to inspire in some way...

or maybe just the words in my blog will resonate with someone...

I don't know what it is, but I know it's something...

I know I will be living proof of faith and healing...

I will conquer this to show not that I am great but that He is...

and that my doctors know how to take me and fix me...

And when it is all done...

and I am at rest and blessed that it will be good...

So despite all my tears and complaints and fussing and anger I know that there is a purpose to all of this and I just have to follow it through...

The Lord has a will...

And I will follow...

Inspiration song: "The Lord has a Will" by Amy Grant...Her first album was one I played and sang to over and over in high school.  I even learned sign language to this song.  And I turn to her music once again to let her sweet voice carry me through the hills and valleys of fear and pain and to find peace in the music...yeah it's not Beyonce...there are times and places for Bey but right now I just need Amy...

Here are the words:

I need you Lord, in all I do.
You're always there to see me through.
I can't get by unless I lean on you, Lord.
The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.
Your law of love is in my heart.
You wrote it there, it won't depart.
It lights my way, and keeps me out of the dark.
The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.
I thank you, Lord. Your word is sown
into my life, and there it's grown.
It's roots go deep where living waters are known.
The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.

Bye's been a rough couple of days...but now I will find that rest and stillness...and allow the healing to start...

Monday, December 19, 2016

All By Myself

Hello Darlings...

you know what?



it really does...

Today I got to do another fun test...yet another CT scan with an iv and a big drink of contrast as my lunch...

lunch I got to finally have at 3:30...

At least this time the contrast stuff was tasteless and mixed with Crystal Light peach iced tea and not some sort of banana flavored barium "shake".

As I sat in the waiting room waiting for my lovely contrast drink to do it's magic I looked around the waiting room and I see all these people who are also waiting for some sort of test in the imaging center.

Some are doing routine stuff like mammograms, some were older and I'm sure getting some sort of scan,  but others I could tell where possibly sick like me or it was part of diagnosis.

I saw older parents and children...

and a lot of couples...

and I realized just how freaking lonely it is to go through this without a partner...

I saw several women who were there with husbands/boyfriends/partners and I sat there by myself trying not to start crying...

because I was scared

and alone

and really no friend in the world could have consoled me at that moment because it's a loneliness that a friend can't fix...

I love my friends...

but sometimes a girl needs someone who is more...

I have a lot of family and friends who support me...I am beyond blessed by the support I have

but it's in those late hours in the night when I can't sleep because I am SO DAMN SCARED that I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok...

or to wake up with me in the morning and tell me that I will get through the day and he will help me...

or to drive me to all these damn tests and things so I don't have to rely on the kindness and love of my friends to get me there because they are giving me something that makes me unable to drive myself...

or to be in the waiting room when I have a test...

or to hear what the doctor says and tell me when we got home it's ok...

or to sit with me at chemo and tell me he will love me even without hair...





Cancer is so hard...

but its harder still

to do


To not have a partner or love to share this journey with is incredibly lonely...

I write this blog as a way to get me thoughts, pain and fears out...

because I hate complaining to my friends about how shitty this all is...

and because no matter how brave I try to be I still cry...

i'm crying now...




it's literally the loneliest I have felt since I left my ex

and the worst part is I have MONTHS of this to go through and I will be fighting




yes, I will have friends and loved ones but it's just not the same...

and if I make it...if I get through all of the poison they put into me and the possible radiation that might be needed...

it's in a very intimate part of my body that may not ever give me the pleasure of love again...

a love I haven't felt in so many years I can't count...

because the radiation might kill more than just the cancer there in that very intimate part of myself...

yeah...there's that lovely thing to deal with along with menopause and the real possibility of being bald...

It won't exactly make me the hottest girl in town...

except that I might be radioactive...

(that's a can laugh...I had to lighten it up because my pity party was getting heavy)

so when and if I get through this and I finally can possibly go to dinner with someone---will I even be a woman someone wants to be with?

because I am pretty sure an 73 year old guy would be happy with his 52 year old girlfriend even if she is bald and radioactive...but that's not what I want to see across the table...

I'd like a fit man who is very close to my own age who will think that I am beautiful even if I am bald...who will not care what has been taken from my body...who will not be afraid to be with a woman who has had cancer...

and that will be a very hard man to find...

and I dearly wish I had had a glimmer of that before this all happened...

I had started the year with a hope of possibly finding someone to spend time with...someone who drives a big ass truck, plays rock music on the radio and knows I like lilies...

and instead...




you know, that was not what I put down as what I wanted on my dating profile

(I don't have a dating profile...that's another online dating for me....)

And I am actually grateful that I am NOT with my ex because frankly he would have been awful to share this with...he was not a good nurse and he was crappy with being supportive and nice...he's a nice man but when I needed him to be a nice husband he really wasn't...he's just not a warm and loving man...

I am so lucky to have the friends I have...

the sweet friends like KuteKristina who is driving me to get my port tomorrow...

or Twirler Girl and my "other mom" Shari who are tag teaming on the chemo on Friday...

and my Aunt Jane who is the best person in the world for all she has done for me...

or my friend RockinRobin who knows I love lilies and sent me the biggest bowl arrangement of them...

or KuteKaren who sent glittered lilies (yes, they had glitter)...

and my "sister wife" GOTTESS who came with things I needed and her support that keeps me breathing...

or PrettyPhyllis who brought me pampering things...and a beautiful note that is by my bed...

and NursePhyllis (who is also pretty but that name is for my other Phyllis) who brought me a cooling pillow that makes my nights easier...because she knows the beast of night sweats...

or JayVee who had a cup made for me to keep me going...and so I would keep drinking water...

or CuteCourtney who brought me things that only a woman who has had chemo would know I need...

and Wonder Woman who has been my rock of support...

And Hot Tamale who is organizing a lunch with some of my favorite people so I can see their faces before I face the demon of chemo...

and all my sweet friends who have offered help, bring food, drive me, keep me company, etc...

I truly truly truly appreciate all of it...

It means everything to me...

and I am blessed to have you since I don't have a partner to lean on...

and I CAN'T burden my children with all of this...they are scared enough as it is without me having to depend on them to take care of me...I need to use what little strength I have to take care of them.  They are terrified I am going to die and I won't let them suffer...

So despite being alone through this I am not truly alone thanks to my friends and family...

but it would be lovely to have a sweet man who knows that when I cry I like to be wrapped in his arms...

So I am not alone but I am...

and this weekend I am going to ask of all of you to actually let me be alone...

this will be my first round of chemo...

I don't know how it will feel...

but please, from the core of my being I beg this of you:


I don't want to hostess anyone...I don't want to make small talk on the phone if I feel bad...I don't want to answer a million texts about how I feel...

this weekend and for a few days after






So please, do this for me....

if you want to leave me a message I will make one post on FB that says something and you can respond to that and leave messages of support for when I feel up to reading them...

My kids will be with me if I need anything and if I need additional help I know who to call...

I love you all dearly and I know you mean well and want to support me but if I am sleeping and I hear a text it might wake the only peace I am getting...

and no, I will not turn off my phone because I do have medical people and doctors calling to check on me and to them I must be able to hear the phone and answer...

So starting Saturday please give me peace to let the poison do it's work...

Because I need to kick this shit...

I have to get better...

I have to embarrass my children for years to come

and I need to see if there is a chance for someone out there to find me and let me know that I will never have to suffer alone again...

I have the battle of my life ahead of me...

I'm scared out of my mind...

I'm alone yet surrounded by love





Inspiration Song: "All By Myself"...Celine did a lovely cover but it's Eric Carmen's beautiful vocals with the gorgeous piano that most spells out my pain...

Bye Darlings...if you have a love/partner/spouse go and kiss them now and be grateful...even if you aren't facing cancer you have someone to share pain with...I pray you never have cancer but I want you to be grateful that if you did you have someone to lean on...

Monday, December 12, 2016

What's New Pussycat

Hi darlings...

I am really bombarding you with blogs these days but they are so theraputic to me that I just sit down at the keyboard and start to write.

Two weeks ago, right now at 9:41 as I write this blog, I was in surgery.

It took Dr. Rockstar 5 hours to get my pesky uterus out and all those lymph nodes.

Aunt Jane says she was exhausted when she came into the room at midnight to tell her about the surgery.

Like I said---Dr. Rockstar is a badass...

And in those two weeks my life has turned upside down and so much has changed.

I'm learning new words and lingo:

uterine papillary serous carcinoma---that's what I have

ok that one is super hard to pronounce so I work on it daily...because if I can say it I can own it and I can make it my bitch and I will conquer it...

Other lingo:

cold cap or ice cap---what I hope to use to keep my hair.  It is basically a helmet that is super cooled and it restricts blood flow to the scalp to help keep the hair up there.

cold mitts---you can get neuropathy with Taxol so that helps keep my fingers and toes working

Taxol---one of the awful poisons they will put into me...its the one that makes me lose my hair

Carboplatinum---the other chemo just sounds badass

neuropathy---nerve damage...ugh...

infusions---the nice word for "putting a load of poison into your veins to kill your cancer"...aka "chemo"

Stage 3C---that's what "stage" I am in...because the cancer went into other organs (my ovary) and lymph glands

port---a lovely thing they will put into a vein on my chest near my neck so I don't have to get poked repeatedly by needles...I need it because 2 weeks later I am still green and purple bruised from iv areas from surgery...I think that cute anesthesiologist used a hammer to put them in!

Lovenox---the blood thinner I have to inject into my stomach twice a day for 28 days because I make too many platelets...basically it keeps me from blood clots in my veins, etc...

I also have a whole host of drugs I will have to take and I can't pronounce the names...

And the following words have new meanings...basically it is the word to the power of 10 now:

I am soooooooo tired tonight because I went to work for 6 hours today.

it felt so good...until I hit the wall...

I have no pain now.  I'm totally off the pain meds.  The only pain I have is the same old arthritis pain in my knees that I have had for 2 years doc moved offices and they forgot to call in my Rx renewal so today I had no arthritis anti-inflammatory to help me so my body doesn't hurt but my knees hate me.

I've also made some new friends though all of this.  I reached out to a community group on Facebook and I've had several amazing ladies answer my questions and give me advice.  Add them to Beauty and Wonder Woman and CuteCourtney who have all conquered cancer in their own amazing badass ways and I have a whole squad of fabulous women...

I call them "the badass bitches of beating cancer"...

trust me if you ever get cancer these are the gals you want on your side...true #squadgoals with these gals...

Taylor Swift has nothing on me and my squad...she might have supermodels but my squad is made of women who have had to fight for their life...I'll take my squad...

What other fun things are happening to me besides being dead dog tired and bruised like I went 5 rounds with Ronda Rousey in the cage?

My appetite is funky

and's the fun one...


"Alex I will take what is the worst thing about menopause for $1000 please"

Answer: What is hot flashes

My a/c is running at 72 and I have two fans on me.

But then I will suddenly get so cold I have to run to turn on the heater...

and then I get hot again.

But mostly I am hot...

I am a constant sweaty mess and the cats don't help because they love to pile around me on my temperpedic mattress so its a hot mess in my bed...

I miss being sweaty because I just had a killer workout...not because of my nonexistent ovaries regulating my thermostat...

I miss working out something fierce...I keep the class schedule for Revolution on my computer in defiance of the fact I have to wait four more weeks...mark your calendars people because January 9 I will be back on the bike...


I am thirsty a JayVee got me a super awesome insulated cup that is a Yeti knockoff but works better than a Yeti...and is 1/4 of the price...that cup never leaves my side...

but then it makes me constantly have to pee...and I am up to pee about 3 times each night...

I am trying to stay strong and get ready for the fight I face before me...I am trying to be rested and eat right so I can go into chemo with as much health as I can muster up in this cancer tinged body...

and one thing that really helps is humor...

So I am adding a video to this blog so you can have a good laugh.  KuteKaren and SuperSarah and I laughed so hard at it one night we cried.  There is no real video...just John Mulaney talking.  It is just about the funniest standup routine I have ever heard.

Warning: he says some very bad words...

Warning; you will not stop laughing...

I'm giving you two links...hopefully one will work.  If it doesn't just go to YouTube and put in "John Mulaney Salt and Pepper Diner" me on this...

oh I hope that link works...

So there you new life these days...full of hot flashes, emotional ups and downs, and a feeling of not being in control of my own life...

But it is my life...

and I will fight with all I have to keep it...and my hair...I wanna keep my hair...

ok, let John make you's the best thing ever...

Inspiration song: "What's New Pussycat" by Tom Jones.  You have to watch the video to know exactly why...and besides, I actually love that song...

Bye Darlings...what's new with you?  Let me's not all about me you know...and feel free to share my blogs...I want as many people as possible to learn from my journey...

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Fight Song

Hi Darlings...

Well I have had a little over 48 hours to digest my diagnosis and pathology results.

And still sucks...

But I have had some time  to come to some acceptance about it.

I don't like it at all but I can't change it.


I've spent some time with the "why me?" part of all of this.

Why me?

Why do I have cancer?

I actually asked my oncologist that the other day...I asked her if I got this from something I did, or if it was birth control pills, or something in my life that made this happen.

Her answer was:


And then she said it was just bad luck...

And it was bad luck I got it...but good luck it was found.

Obviously it has been in my body for a bit of time.  But she also said it was aggressive.

Last March I started to feel "off".

I wasn't myself.

I felt tired and sluggish and just generally not healthy.

I couldn't lose a pound despite high calorie burn workouts and lots of core strengthening yoga.  I literally was burning 1000 calories more than I was eating and no weight off...

I went to my internist and I had high blood pressure.

So I went on blood pressure meds.

And then the cardiologist....and my heart is fine...

and then the endocrinologist...and she couldn't find anything wrong...

and my gynecologist---and everything was just fine (you can't find my kind of cancer in a normal appointment and with no symptoms)

I was "checking out" but not feeling good.

Now I know why...

So I have been trying to figure out how to turn this shit I can make what happened to me help others.

I can't just have cancer and it all be about me.

I'm not that girl.

I have to use this in some way to make things better in the world.

That's the girl I am...

I must say that I have loved and appreciated all the love and care and prayers you have sent my way.  I really do appreciate it. There is nothing greater than to feel loved by those you love...

But I have to make this work for the world.

I have to do more than just get people to go get checkups...

I need to inspire bravery so I can be brave...

I need to inspire love so it will spread...

I need to inspire hope so that others will have hope too

and I need to fight like hell so I can live and go on with my life...

I don't want to lose my hair so I am trying to be proactive about that.

I learned that in some cases wearing an ice cap during chemo helps patients to retain their hair.

Well, then I will do it...even if it means I don't get any vacations for the next two years I will do what it takes to keep my hair.

It's not cheap but I don't need to fly anywhere.

I need my hair.

So you want to peek at what is going on in my head all the time since I got the diagnosis?

It goes like this:

You have cancer.
No I don't.
Yes, you have cancer.
it's not just a hysterectomy...she took out cancer.
are you sure it's cancer? because I feel just fine.
Nope, it's cancer.
well shit...I have cancer.
I don't want to lose my hair.
I love my hair.
I will look like a bowling ball without hair.
I am going to be single and alone the rest of my life because of this. Who will want cancer girl? Especially with no hair
yeah no hair will suck
i hate wigs...I can only stand them for 2 minutes.
I hate hats...I look awful in hats.
I want to keep my hair.
how the hell did I get cancer?
why me?

It's on a loop that repeats in my head.




I worry about my kids
I worry about my students
I worry that I won't be able to work and we have a show

I worry that I will lose my insurance

I worry that my 10K deductible (yes, you read that right) will make me unable to pay for my kids school.

I worry that my insurance will decide not to renew in the middle of my treatments and then where will I be.

I am self insured.

It sucks

Oh and let's add that my ex is zero help paying for the kids so what money I have is all going to them because he won't help because he says he doesn't have it (yet he can take out his girlfriend...hmmmm)

So yeah...cancer and tuition...

it's a great combination to make for a very fearful woman.

I'm trying not to be afraid of all of that on top of the damn cancer.

I know that if I go into this with a positive attitude and from health (other than the cancer) that I will not only beat it but I will thrive.

So that's what I am gonna do....

I'm going back to my workouts as soon as the doc says I can.
I am going to feed myself good and healthy things
I am researching alternative therapies to use in conjunction with the chemo (don't worry I will have the chemo...I'm not running off to Mexico to have a shaman wave sage over me and say I am cured)
I am researching how to keep my hair so I can look good while I fight and beat this.

I've had a lot of people offer to bring me food.

thank you so much but instead of feeding me, please please please put that toward feeding hungry people in our city!

I don't need the food.

they do!

So if you want to "feed" me---donate to the red barrels or give to a shelter or give to an organization that feeds hungry kids.

I don't need casseroles or other food.  I am really weird about what I eat.  I like to cook and even if I don't feel like cooking after chemo I have a game plan.  I do eat out but again it's because I am choosing to do so.  I need to be in control of something and I like to watch what I am eating so I really just want to take care of my own meals.  I know I am weird but that's how I instead just donate what you would have spent making me a lasagne and give it to No Kid Hungry or something like that!

And if I do need food, I know who to call...but I am pretty sure I have that one covered.

I'm planning to cook my kids a prime rib for Christmas 2 days after chemo.

I will do it.

Because I won't let cancer rob me of our tradition.

And I will eat tamales on Christmas Eve...because I have eaten tamales on Christmas Eve my whole life and chemo and cancer won't rob that from me.

I've had people offer to drive me to and from chemo.  I'm so blessed.  I have a squad that will be my #teamprincesscancer drivers to take me to go and get the poison.  I'm even splitting it so no one has to be responsible for the whole 8 hour ordeal.

And I only have to do it 6 times.

I'm making plans...I am making plans because cancer can't keep me from my life.

I'm doing good as I can with cancer.

I saw my students yesterday....they are marvelous medicine for my soul and spirit.

And my son is here and my daughter will be soon so my heart is soaring because the ones I love most in this world are here with me.

I have a good life.

Cancer is trying to take it from me or at least really screw it up.

But you see...cancer doesn't know who it messed with.

Because I am a badass bitch that won't give up.

I don't let things go that I am passionate about.

I don't give up.

I will fight with everything I have...

Because I have to.

I can't let cancer win.

I have too much to lose.

I can make a difference in this world and I will use what is happening to me to make this world a better safer and more loving place.

I will take all the love that is given to me and send it right back out into this world.

Because I still have a lot of fight left in me...

(and don't forget to donate food to hungry do that for me people...I need that a lot more than I need a lasagna or a pot roast)

Inspiration Song: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten.  I used to sorta hate this song...but now it has become my fight song...

here are the lyrics:

"Fight Song"

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Bye Darlings...I have so much fight left in me that you haven't even begun to see what I can do...I'm gonna send out big waves of love and positivity and I sure as hell won't let anything make me back down...

Friday, December 9, 2016


Hi Darlings....



crappy news today...

Stage 3 Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma





and it spread





so it was in my uterus, my right ovary, and some lymph glands...

I have't read all of the report but that's the part you need to know...

It's Stage 3 and it spread





and now I get to lose my hair

but I get to hopefully keep my life

it's a price to pay...not a small one...but one I must pay

So remember what I told you about losing the hair?

all you get to say is "I'm Sorry".

That's it...

no telling me it will grow back, or how cute I will look in wigs, or that it's a good trade off for my life


you don't get to do that

I have a handful of people who do because they have fought cancer and lived and lost their hair...but the rest of you---NOPE

So please don't...

please I beg of you

I don't want to hear it

and if you are sitting there reading this and judging me and thinking to yourself "well I would lose my hair to save my life...she's being's not that big a deal!"...yes, if you are saying any bit of that I ask you:

do you have a loving committed partner in your life?

have you ever lost your hair?

Do you enjoy looking like holy hell all the time or do you prefer to look good?

Do you want the world to know you are sick?

Because if you have a partner you are blessed...they will still love you without hair...I have no one and not much chance some man worth having is going to come up to me and say "wow you are one hot and foxy 65 year old woman!" ( because that is how old I will look with no hair).

And unless you have lost your hair YOU HAVE NO IDEA

And I don't know many people who want to look like holy hell or sick all the time...but for 9 months that is how I will look:

let's add that I have extra curves I don't love on top of it...




I am so damn ready for some good stuff to happen...I am so damn ready to have a life

I will fight this stuff...I will...

I will fight it with all I have....

but for a bit I get to be pissed off...

and not happy...

and mourn my hair...

and mourn my looks...

and mourn being normal...

It is by God's grace that my cancer was found.  It is a miracle. It's confounded my doctors.

I am some sort of magical unicorn

But I am pretty sure that this cancer was found so I could do some good with it.

So I could not just sit around and feel sorry for myself and whine (see above...that's some first class A-level black belt whining right there).

I am pretty sure I need to prove that cancer won't get won't kill me...

it might take my hair but it won't take my life

Because dammit if I have to lose 3 feet of long unbleached perfect blonde hair and look like a human emoji for a few years then there better damn sure be some good to come of it

(and please don't say "that good will be your hair because it will be fabulous because my friend Susi's hair came back just fabulous!'---NOPE you don't get to say that)

For the better part of two years I will look like hell...I will not have a speck of hair on my head for over 6 months...then it will grow in and look awful.  And I will look not 52 through this but I will be a dead ringer for a 65 year old fat woman who can't be bothered with her hair.

It will take a long while just to reach my shoulders...and only then will I de-age and begin to look like myself again...

I don't have the bone structure for short need good bone structure to wear it 1/2 inch long...

I will look like a bowling ball with a wig plopped on.

But at the end of it all...I will live...and hopefully a very long life...and hopefully not have to fight cancer again.

But its gonna suck for a a while.

And when this is behind me I plan to be the world's most annoying cancer survivor because I plan to make sure everyone I know knows my story and will see their doctor.

Because I not only want to kick my own cancer's ass...I want to kick all cancer's ass...

So now I have a game plan.

I know I am getting a port put in next week.

I get my first round of chemo on the 23rd.

I should not get overly nauseous or sick.

I can work.

I get chemo and then wait 3 weeks for the next round.

And every good fighter has to have a I am assembling that team.

I have my oncologist

I have my aunt who is "my person"

I have friends who will drive me to and from chemo

I have a housekeeper who can stay with me when I need help

I plan to spin as soon as I am allowed to spin so I will stay fit...

I plan to eat as healthy as I can (please don't send me diets...or food suggestions)

So what do I need from you people:
no telling me how it will be ok
no telling me stories about friends with cancer
no telling me stuff about losing my hair
no telling me how to eat
no telling me how to do my cancer
no telling me stuff you looked up on the internet (please dear heavens NO)

Because you see this is MY path...MY journey...MY cancer

and I need to have it be mine.

and as well meaning as it is (and I myself have been guilty many times) I don't want or need to hear stories about your friend's or family member's cancer.  That was THEIR journey...this is MINE

No two cancers are alike...

no two cancer survivors have survived the same way

each journey is unique...just like our lives

I have to fight and kill something so I can live...I have to fight and not let it kill my spirit as well and to do so I have to live it and do it my way...and how my doctors tell me to do it...

So if you want to be part of #teamprincesscancer :
I need you to pray
I need you to just say "I'm sorry"
I need you to sit with me at chemo if I ask
I need you to send me funny things on Facebook
I need to not see political shit on social media (for the love of all good things the damn election is over so let's just stop calling Hillary a criminal and stop bad mouthing our outgoing president...I can't even speak of trump so I must ignore stop...please...)
I need to see pictures of babies and puppies
I need friends who make me smile
I need you to come and watch my kids in our musical
I need you to see your own doctors
I need you to be you and know that I will fight this

Together we will help me get through this...together we will save other lives...

I don't plan to give in
I don't plan to let it kill me
I don't plan to just take it and walk away

I am strong
I am mad as hell
I am clever
I am one who won't give up

I will train for this by eating right, resting, and taking my meds I am told to take...

I will get in the ring with that damn cancer and I will make it sorry it chose me to bother

I will come out of this with roses in my hands and a victor's crown on my bald head

and I will not let one more woman forget that she is worth fighting for for herself

Sorry for all the whining...y'all know this is therapy for me...and I had to complain and cry and throw some shit for a bit.

But trust me...I am ready to take this on

if this is the hand I am dealt than I shall play this damn hand until I beat the house

and the house will pay...

Inspiration Song: "Fighter" by Christina of my favorite songs to spin to...and because of these words:
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Bye darlings...I will fight's sucky bad horrible awful news but the good news is not once did she say my prognosis isn't good...and I will kick cancer in the ass and make it pay for what it did to me...

Thursday, December 8, 2016


Hi Darlings,

Cancer is a slippery slope of emotions...

Just when you think you have your footing...


(and not in the good Emeril Lagasse way of Bam as spice but BAM as in a strike)



and you lose your footing and you slide back down again and once again you are looking up at the hill

And sometimes stuff comes rolling down the hill with that one little BAM and you are not only on the bottom of the hill but you are covered in stuff...

That's how it is with me...

I get up each morning ready to face what lies ahead and I feel like I am making progress and then something sets me off...

or fills me with fear...

or makes me feel pain...and not just physical pain...

or a little thought enters my head and won't go away and it builds and gets bigger...

Yesterday I couldn't even get up to get on the emotions overwhelmed me...

I don't know whether to blame cancer...or menopause...or just my usual "cry at a Kleenex commercial" self...

But hell yes I cried a lot yesterday

Today...I'm going up the hill...






and the hill leads to a mountain...

and the mountain is Everest.

Tomorrow I see Dr. Rockstar and hopefully pathology is back and we will know just how far it spread.

I am trying to stay as positive as I can about all of strong and stay strong...

I am purposely not reading ANYTHING on the internet about cancer...

I have avoided having conversations just yet with other survivors because I need to know what my story is before I hear someone else's.

I don't want their journey to color mine.

Or to make me worry or fearful.

Or to give me unrealistic hope.

I need some answers from Dr. Rockstar before I start to get anxious about all that comes with whatever she says.

Because if she says I am all clear (and dear Baby Jesus in heaven I hope that is just what she says) I will be so relieved and happy I might just do cartwheels down the hallway.

Ok, maybe not cartwheels because even on a good day I am not sure my 52 year old fluffy self should try a cartwheel...

But maybe I might dance like Snoopy...or just hug every human I see...

and then,

because I am me,

I will worry about every little twinge I feel and get scared that the cancer is back.

and down the slippery slope I will slide until I am buried under my own worries.

But she could also tell me what I am terrified of----

that the cancer spread

and that I need further treatment.

No cartwheels on that news

but damn I will slide down that slope like an avalanche

I have two voices in my head.  Sort of like the proverbial "angel and devil" on your shoulder where one tells you to be good and the other says "go ahead and do that thing you shouldn't".

The angel speaks in clear tones.  She has a matter of fact yet a sing-song tone to her voice.

She says:

Hey are fine!  You have nothing to worry about.  Dr. Rockstar got all that badass cancer out of you and it stayed in that ugly mess of a uterus.  Your lymph glands are fine and you can live just fine without them and you will be ok.  And now for the rest of your life you get to be a cancer survivor and it won't come back.  It is gone.  You are free...

But then the devil chimes in.

She's seductive.  She speaks in a charming voice that belies the terror of her words.

She says:

Hey are screwed!  The cancer spread.  Its in your lymph glands and your belly fat (because they tested that).  It's there...and it was in all the lymph glands she took,  And it's in the two she had to leave so you didn't die.  And it's there and it's strong.  It's nasty.  And you are gonna go to hell and back trying to beat it.

Yup...that's what goes on ALL DAY LONG in my head.

I only want to listen to the angel.  She speaks truths I want to hear.  She doesn't scare me.  And if I listen to her I can stay strong and ready to fight.

But the devil plays her seductive tune and pulls my mind away and makes me question everything about myself.

And somewhere in the middle of this storm in my head is me.

And the me that is there is struggling to breathe and not give in to fear.

The me that is a warrior princess that wants to be strong and confident.

The me that is climbing that hill one step at a time and avoiding the things that will make me slide back down.

Today I managed this day with zero painkillers.

Not even Tylenol

I want to let my body adjust to the tiny pain that is left without clouding my brain.

And maybe it will quiet that damn devil

I'm on the hill tonight...I can't see the top but I know it is there.

I don't need to see the top...I just need to see where my next step is...

And that next step is right there in front of me...and there are rocks in the path and the grass is slick.

But if I go slow...I can step between the rocks until I get to the place where the path is lit before me.

It might not be an easy might be the damn mountain and it will require all kinds of gear and chemicals and horrible stuff.  I will need a sherpa to get me up the mountain and it will take a while.

Or it might be a nice little path to the top where I can twirl about like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and I can sing and dance on it and not worry about how I get back down.  I like to dance.  I like to twirl.  And I sure as hell like the view from the top better.

All I know is that right now I am trying to not let the damn landslide of fear bring me down...

And if I do end up buried in the rubble on the bottom...


I will just






and start climbing again...

BRING IT ON CANCER---I have better things to do than let you screw up my life!!!!!  I'm gonna keep climbing the hill and I'm gonna dance while I do it...

Inspiration Song: "Landslide"---my girl Stevie wrote it but I am exceedingly fond of the Dixie Chicks version as well.  Yes, the Dixie Chicks.  Those women give me life and inspiration these days.  I hate country music but I love every note they sing and play because they, and Stevie, are badass women who live by their own rules.  Who sing their pain.  Who don't give a damn what others think.  Who don't just "shut up and sing" but let their message out loud and clear.  Right now I need badass bitches in my corner who say "screw it" when someone tries to bring them down in the landslide.  And they are my girls...

Bye darlings...don't let the landslide bring you down when you read this...I will be ok...but right now my headspace is filled with a lot of I just use music and dance to it...

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I'm Not Ready to Make Nice

Hello Darlings...

As I start writing this blog my "sister wife" aka GOTTESS is having her colonoscopy.

You see, GOTTESS is a cancer survivor too...she kicked colon cancer in the ass...and she was just a wee little nugget of a woman when she did...

She came to visit me yesterday and we talked about how her cancer had changed her life as well.

You can't live through cancer and not have it change you.

I love the fact that God has provided me with a sister wife that I love as much as I love my work hubby.  I would be friends with her even if I didn't know and love him.  And we have so many similarities and soon I can add "cancer survivor" to that list.

As she was waiting for her procedure she posted a photo of herself urging friends on social media to have their colonoscopies and getting their checkups.

We are making our "mess" our "message" because we don't want one more person to not get the care and help we have received.

You have to be proactive about these things...and trust me I am going to be yelling from the rooftops for the rest of my days for my friends and loved ones to have their checkups, mammograms, and colonoscopies.

Your doctor can't save you if you don't save yourself by going in...

I've had a lot of time to think about things as I lay around trying to heal.

Some of my thinking is fuzzy because of the painkillers but for the most part my thoughts are pretty clear...just the occasional "riding a unicorn in a shower of glitter" dream to cloud things up (but hey that happens without Oxycontin in my world).

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the cancer part of all of this.

In my head I had a simple hysterectomy but the reality is, it was much much more than that.

She took out cancer along with my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and cervix and several lymph nodes.

There is now an empty space where my womb used to be.

A womb that served me gave me two beautiful children and two heavenly babies that I never met because one was ectopic and the other I lost to miscarriage.

Over the years that same womb ruined countless pairs of cute Victoria's secret panties, spoiled my fun at events because it decided to be a be-yatch and cramp, and basically reminded me on a monthly basis that I was a woman.

But now there is a blank space and my insides are re-arranging to fill in that place and find a new normal down there.

And that hurts...and ruins my sleep.

And now that menopause I was promised?

Yeah, it seems to be deciding to come out and play a bit...

I have had some hot flashes and emotional moments.

Not too bad but they are there.

I was ready for a hysterectomy...or thought I was...but now I have so many questions about all of it and frankly I am super duper pissed off that it came at the price of cancer.

I'll know more about the status of that cancer on Friday when I see my surgeon/oncologist but for now it's all just a big unknown where every ache I feel I worry is more cancer and the thought of losing my hair and having chemo makes me burst into tears.

I had gone into this year with such son was going to graduate and I was going to finally have some time to maybe find someone to enjoy spending time with.  And mostly I had planned to find out who I was as a 52 year old single woman...but I also had hoped someone would be around to take me to dinner...

you know---the blue eyed man with dimples who drives a big ass truck and brings me lilies and won't make me listen to country music?

that elusive man? sight of him...

not even a glimpse...

So here I will go into 2017 alone again...with cancer...with possibly losing my hair...

I will enter 2017 as a Teletubby...

and that will make me a super hot commodity.

It's a lot easier to face these kinds of things when you have a loved one to share the tell you that you are still beautiful when you are puffed up after kiss you and tell you it's all better.

the cats aren't so great at that...

So yeah...I'm a little bitter and pissed off...

no man



that's just magic...

I"m sure they will all be lining up for me in the future...the fat girl with no hair that might die...

and please....please don't tell me:
he's out there!
this is how God is getting you ready!
some amazing man will be there for you when this is over
you need to focus on getting will find someone in the future

So don't say it...


Because I was told by many a friend that I was gonna find that elusive man once I raised my son and sent him off

But instead




Do I sound bitter?

I am...

not gonna lie...

I'm having a hard as hell time right now with the emotional and psychological parts of this (please do not give me the name of a therapist...please) and please don't tell me stories of how your friends have gotten through this

because right now I have a right to be pissed off...

I have a right to cry...

to scream...

to throw things...

to be scared...

to just hate what is happening to me...

and unless it is happened to you, you have no idea what it is like...

and unless you have faced this battle alone without a partner you really don't know how lonely it is...

It's a bitch...

I've always used this blog as therapy.  I'm an open book on it.  It helps me release a lot of junk.

And today I am mad as hell

and I am scared to death

and I really really question what more is ahead to surprise me in this life to test my will and spirit

Because today I'm not broken...I'm just mad as hell

And today I am not ready to put on my happy cancer face that says I can do all of this with a smile on my face and get through it with a lot of glitter and sparkles.

I'm not that girl today...

I'm the girl who is scared to die...pissed that I am missing out on my life right now...I miss my children...I miss my students...I miss my job....I miss my workouts...I miss what my life was a month ago....

before the cancer

before the fear....

and today I just really need to get to be pissed off about it...

and maybe tomorrow too...

I don't know when I will feel like being a cheerleader in my own life again...

I just don't know...

But I do know that I will fight like hell to get it all back

Inspiration Song: "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks...because Natalie Maines is helping me feel pissed off in a good way...

Bye Darlings...sorry for all the anger but I don't hide my shit...and this is how I feel today...

Sunday, December 4, 2016


Hi Darlings,

You know what cancer feels like?

Or rather what uterine cancer feels like?

It feels like:


Oh there was pain before but I don't think that was exactly the uterine cancer

But cancer treatment?

How does it feel?

It feels like:
a bunch of surgery
needles everywhere
endless blood draws and pricks
bruises from big iv's
pain from surgery
nurses checking on you every few hours
difficulty walking
feeling blown up like a balloon
not sleeping
no appetite

And emotionally?

How does that feel?

It feels like:

I'm not ready to talk about it...

But there is fear mixed with faith and terror mixed with a warrior spirit

But yeah, I need to leave that one alone for a bit

So here's what you need to know:

I had surgery on Monday, November 28.  Because of traumas and the number of surgical cases I remained the last person in the "day surgery" ward and they finally wheeled me down to the OR suites at about 6:15 that night.

I spent the afternoon wearing a tiara and joking with my aunt.  I saw Dr. Gorgeous and Dr. Husband and they helped keep us company.  Jane and I preoccupied ourselves with trying to keep me from sliding on the bed because they had some sort of plastic thing on it that would make it easier to move me to the OR table.

All I know is if you are built like an Oompa Loompa it's not gonna keep you in place in the bed and you slide around a lot.

I think it would make an excellent exercise---can you stay in place?

We didn't discover until about 3 hours in that we could change the channel on the tv and didn't have to continue to watch the deer and the antelope play and the purple mountains majesty that was on the "keep the patient calm and bored" channel on the tv.

So we watched Jeopardy and learned we don't know where lakes are...

They kept pushing the surgical time back and finally around 5:30 Dr. Resident came in and I burst into tears seeing her.  I cried more when she assured me I was going to get the surgery that night.

The rest is just sort of a blur of more doctors coming in, Dr. Rockstar laughing when I told her I dreamed she walked into the OR to "Cherry Bomb" and a lot of questions about whether or not the pain block doctors were still there.

They weren't.

Oh well.

(They wanted to put a pain block in place so when I woke up I would have less pain.  It was an excellent plan.  Sadly they were overwhelmed and I was the last patient)

I got wheeled down to the OR suites and in pre-op I finally got the "calm her the hell down" shot and Dr. Husband showed up to make sure I was getting the best care possible.

I was.

He arranged for my room to be ready and for Jane to get to wait there in comfort.

I don't remember much else except that the anesthesiologist was a pretty good looking man and telling them to "save my damn life".

I woke up in pain but not agony

I went in at 7

Came out at midnight.

Jane said Dr. Rockstar was exhausted.  She felt good about it.

Sadly I have two scary lymph glands that might need further attention (i.e. "lets lose all that hair" chemo) but the rest she handled.

Not sure what "stage" I am in and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that is a stage I don't care to know anything about but sadly I must.

We will know please don't ask.

The rest of it is just a lot of stuff about my recovery that is frankly so boring that if I type it up I will fall asleep and not finish this blog.

I will say that nurses and doctors have a preoccupation with farts that rivals that of 10 year old boys and I can't believe I am a 52 year old woman who had to discuss if I had "passed gas" yet or not on an almost hourly basis.

I currently resemble a TeleTubbie.  If you don't know what that is, Google it.  Look up "Tinkie Winkie" and you will get an excellent idea of what my body currently looks like.

I wish I was kidding


I do...

and i have bruises on my arms that make me look like a crash victim

I have a nice 10 inch scar down my midsection but here is what is cool:


yup, it's held together with stitches...

it's soooooo cool

I also want to say right here and now that the care I received at Memorial Hermann was more than was exceptional.

i had great make that EXCELLENT nurses

they were the best ever...

and every single staff person I encountered at that hospital was wonderful from the sweet woman who cleaned my room to the guys who wheeled my gurney about like a magical chariot.

I did get my pain block on Tuesday and I swear I must be on some sort of "you get all the gorgeous doctors" trajectory because Dr. PainKiller was a knockout.  And never wears scrubs. And pretty much would have made my son's eyes come bugging out like some sort of cartoon.

Damn she was pretty

And she likes to spin...

yeah, God made her for me...she likes fashion and spinning and refuses to look like everyone else---that's my girl...

I didn't have much appetite, I finally started "passing gas", I no longer had a fever, I was getting up and about pretty good and so on Friday Dr. Rockstar said I could take my happy little cancer kicking ass home.

She's warned me about the chemo

It's most likely gonna happen.

Now I am gonna give you some good stern advice here people.  And I am warning you because I have made this very mistake myself so I'm gonna stop you before you do it to me or any other woman with cancer and I'm gonna save you from her (or my wrath).  I'm gonna keep you from having me come for you with something sharp.

Whatever you do please head the following.

Memorize it and follow what I say.



(yes, sorry for the yelling)

Unless you have yourself, and not some friend or family member, but YOU as a woman, personally lost all of your hair to chemotherapy---you don't get to say ANY of that.

You get to say:
I'm sorry

That's it...because there is nothing else you can say.

Because it hasn't happened to you

i"m a 52 year old overweight single woman who has never ever in her life looked attractive in short hair.


I have a yard of hair on my head

And I'm probably going to lose it

So before you go telling me how precious your friend Susie looks now that after a year her hair is growing back just zip it and say:

I'm Sorry

Because now I'm gonna look like Tinkie Winkie for sure...

Ok that's all the updating I can do.  I've stayed off social media for the past day or so and plan to continue to do so, so I will post this and literally get off FB because I just need to focus on me right now and I can't focus on answering everyone...and I know you understand that.

So where do we go from here?

I keep healing and moving forward, spreading my message for women to take care of themselves and you people keep praying and going about your lives.

I'll know more Friday when I see Dr. Rockstar again...



Inspiration Song: "Alive" by Sia....she's my favorite and her words speak to me...and I'm Alive!

Bye Darlings---I'm Alive and will continue to be...I'm blessed...and they didn't let me wear a tiara to the OR but they did let me wear it out of the I did...

Sunday, November 27, 2016

I Want You Back

Hi Darlings,

This is will be the fastest blog I have ever written...hopefully my computer will cooperate...and I seem to have lost the ability to type and spell...

Looks like tomorrow is the day...unless I get an early phone call canceling we are gonna kick this cancer to the curb.

And I am ready for it...

I'm tired of feeling bad and hurting and worrying and wondering and being afraid...

I have been overwhelmed by your love and support...truly you have no idea how much it all means to me.

So get those tiaras ready and take a photo and tag me in...for some reason unless you tag me in with my name it won't post to my timeline and I can't figure out how to fix it...

So tiara on and take a selfie...

I'm really trying to be brave.

I have to be.

I had to be brave and stick a needle in my stomach 3 times (no that was not fun but I prefer that to dying of a blood clot).

I've had to be brave for my kids and my students.

I miss the old me.

I miss the me before cancer.

The girl who got to go to spin and yoga.

That girl.

The one who relentlessly posted about how much she loved to exercise.

I miss my cocktails.

Haven't really wanted one since all the pain started.

And once you hear "cancer" you further clean up your act and one glass of wine feels scary.

Not that I drank that much before...but I am pretty sure my body is wondering what happened to "Dirty Martini Saturday"...

I want her back...the girl with the workouts
the girl who drank martinis

I also want the girl who didn't live in pain back

And the one who cooked things other than soup

And that girl who got to be with her students

And who didn't spend a lot of time in bed

And how dear heaven how I want my Meloxicam back

If I ever am caught stealing it will not be illicit will be an arthritis medication.

Dear Meloxicam,
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...
I love thee for allowing me to spin
For you giveth me a lack of pain
I love thee for allowing me to do yoga
for you giveth me the ability to stretch
Meloxicam, Meloxicam
where for art thou, Meloxicam?

And sitting in a bottle in my kitchen is that magical drug that I long to get back in my body so my joints will stop reminding me that along with cancer I have arthritis.

"Alex, I will take "Things that can go wrong with your body" for $1000 please!"
Answer :what is Arthritis?

Yeah, cancer is not the answer anyone wants...

not that arthritis is desirable but between the two....


yeah, I am sticking with the bad joints

So yeah, I am ready for that girl to come is doesn't want to cry when she gets up from a chair...

So much can happen tomorrow...but I can't think about anything but the good...

I am watching Guardians of the Galaxy as I type this...and I am reminded of my dream of my surgeon and her resident and my gynecologist walking into the surgical suite suited up as the Guardians...

Let's call them the:


because they are gonna fix me!

I have to stay positive...

So if you are so inclined, take a photo with a tiara on

And maybe do a dance for me...

I'll let you know how I am doing and when I come out the other side as:




Inspiration Song: I  told GOTT to have the kids pray and then dance to "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5 for me tomorrow...I want them to dance like they are Baby Groot...I want video of it...because you can't be scared or sad if you are dancing like Groot to this song...I'm gonna do it too...

Bye Darlings...I'll see you when I have kicked cancer out of like you are Groot...and PUT ON YOUR TIARAS AND SHINE FOR ME!!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Get Over It

Hi Darlings...

Well here I am knee deep in this cancer surgery mess...but I am pretty sure prayers are being answered and things are looking up...

They had me go in today for me pre-op check up and anesthesia consult.

Good news: they say I am on the schedule
Bad news: but they can't confirm that it is really going to happen

le sigh...

It's just one of the things that I have had to get over in this journey with cancer---the uncertainty.

I think my biggest struggle is the loss of control.

That I don't know IF I do get to have the surgery and that I don't know HOW BAD the cancer is.

I can't control the cancer.

And I can't control the hospital schedule.

le sigh (yes I literally did sigh...then took a long drag on the straw in my can of Lacroix water)

le sigh again...

I don't do well with a loss of control.

I am the person who plans her trips with every minute accounted for---even if it is rest time.

I don't like people to help me with project lest they don't do it the way I like (the exception is my students and we have a system)

I'm such a control freak that I will re-arrange the dishwasher before running it if someone else put the dishes in and I will re-arrange the fridge if someone else put the groceries away.

So this whole business about having cancer and the unknown is literally messing with my brain as well as my uterus.

It's just something I will have to get over...

le sigh

And I have a whole list of things I have to get over (yes, I made a's on my phone...I can show you...)

I don't like that I will miss my spin and yoga classes...and that the pain I am experiencing is keeping me from them.  And that I had to give up my arthritis medication so now I walk like a 90 year old woman and every joint hurts so that contributes to not being able to spin or do yoga.

I literally cry every time I walk into Revolution Studio now because I know just how much I am going to miss it while I recover. I miss those people so much that I gave them a scarf to sign for me so I can keep them with me in the hospital and when I recover.

Yoga and spin keep me sane.  I don't know what I will do without my workouts.  I know I will be in pain for a while but it will be a mental struggle to not drive to the studio and be among my tribe.  I've met some of my dearest friends there and I have met some wonderful people who are becoming very important in my life...when you sweat next to someone or have a yoga instructor lovingly assist you or have your spin instructor call you out in class and gives you words that make you brave---well it is so much more than a gym...

I also love my FitBit and this business with my joints hurting and me being tired is messing with my daily FitBit goals.  I am motivated by numbers...if I don't get my steps in it feels like a failure. (for example---in the middle of writing this blog I got up and took a walk)

I don't like being so bone dead tired.  I lack the strength and energy I am used to having but between pain meds and pain itself I don't get around as well as I did.

and I don't like needing to take pain meds...I really hate that.  I don't like that they make me feel lethargic and I really hate that they make me itch.

And when I say itch I mean like I have the chicken pox with no pox...
A dog with fleas...
like being wrapped in burlap
like rolling in hay


and they all do it to me...

I'm scratching right now

and the worse part is after surgery they have to put me on some really big strong ones and they really make me itch.

le sigh

Apparently I will be given Benadryl at the same time---color me fun while that happens...might be a good time to take a YouTube video of me because I am sure to say and do something totally stupid and fall asleep mid-sentence.  I'm bound so do something that will surely win you the big bucks on the funny video show...

so get those cameras ready...

I might have to change my password on my blog to something I can't remember so I am not tempted to blog while on heavy meds...heaven knows what I might say.  Let's add Facebook and SnapChat and Instagram to that list...

So if I text you something inappropriate, or that seems out of character, or if I suddenly start posting videos of children singing "Let it Go" and tell you it's wonderful---well, get over it and forgive me!

(Note to self: do not post about politics or football or songs from Frozen while on pain meds...)

I've had to get over my denial that I have cancer...sometimes I just say "hell to the no I don't have cancer" but then I go and get poked again or am told a med to take or I feel like I need a 30 hour nap and I am reminded that I have it...

So I have to own it...

that's the only way to get over it is to own it...

and fight like hell...

I feel like I am constantly complaining...that I can't get over...and I can't get over feeling guilty that I am whining about myself when so many others have it worse...

that one is one to tackle with some therapy perhaps...

And with these pain meds and fatigue I need to take naps.

I don't feel guilty about naps.

I got over that one in a nanosecond

Naps rule...

and I am now completely over the fact that I need to often stop and go to my bed and lay on a heating pad...that prevents the need for more pain meds and relaxes will be hard to get over doing that when I recover...

Now here is a big one to get over:


I fail miserably at that...

like I am the WORST

I was drowning trying to finish the show when all of this pain and cancer diagnosis stuff was happening but would not ask for help.  My friend MarvelousMaryF saw what was happening and how tired I was and she called in the reinforcements in the form of DarlingDeborah to come and help me finish the sewing for our Alice show.  Those ladies are true friends.  I didn't ask...they just showed up.  I love them dearly...because when you show up for someone because you know they need help and won't ask, well my friends that is a good friend...

My friend DarlingDebbie says I need to let people help me because they feel helpless about my situation.  She says I need to let them do something, even if it is a very small thing, so that they can feel better.  I understand that completely.  I love to help and I love to reach out to those in need and cook, or drive, or run an errand, or send an uplifting message.

But I don't like to ask for it for myself.

I'm trying to get over that...and in the next day or so I will let you know how you can help...right now the main thing I need is prayers...

Here's one I am not sure I want to get over: loss of appetite...

Ok I jest...a bit...

I've pretty much lost my appetite these last weeks...not sure if it is pain, pain killers, being told "it's uterine cancer" or just a big combination of nerves and generally feeling, well, crappy...but whatever it is I'm not much into eating.

Which is not a bad thing since I need to lose weight...

Of course now I only want to eat totally organic good stuff...but somehow Whole Foods Chocolate Mousse is also on the list of things I crave...along with Whataburger...which is not organic

le sigh

So I will probably get over the organic thing pretty quick although I do try to buy organic and definitely local whenever possible (by the way this does not open my diet up for discussion nor do I wish any well-meaning messages telling me I need to eat certain things or in a certain this point I am eating what I can eat...)

And then today I found out I have to get over a super huge fear and stick myself with a needle...

in my stomach...

and it's a real needle and syringe...

and I have to do it 3 times...

have I mentioned that I really really hate needles?

like when they show someone getting a needle stuck in them on tv or a movie I have to cover my eyes...I can't watch myself get blood drawn...I can't watch an iv go in or look at it after until it is covered up...


(apologies to all my dear friends with diabetes or conditions that require constant pricks and pokes with are my heroes)

I'm pretty sure it is going to take me a good 20-30 minutes to get up the courage to stick the needle in...maybe longer...but I need to do it because apparently unicorn blood is kind of thick and sticky and what do you know I need a special blood thinner...

so needles...


le sigh...
le sigh...
le sigh...

and NO, NO ONE needs to come over and stick me because I am such a baby...this is one of those things that I have to do because it is something I have to get over...and to grow up...and to not depend on someone else to clean up my mess...

And one thing I will never get over is the love and support I have found among my friends...the outpouring of hope, love, and prayers...the offers to help me...

I literally can't believe how blessed I am...

I need to get over feeling I don't deserve it...

I need to accept that I am as worthy as anyone else to get healed and be helped...

so yeah...

and then there's the cancer...

and to that I say:


Inspiration Song: "Get Over It" by the Eagles...I think it is getting added to the kick cancer playlist...I am going to power myself up to do this...

Bye darlings...sometimes the hardest thing to get over is not the illness but what comes along with it...and in my case it is a big hurdle...but I will get over it...