I Go Crazy

Warning...this is another therapy session blog...

Warning...there are graphic descriptions of needles being stuck in my knees...

Warning...we already know I am crazy...but please know that I do not take the term "crazy" lightly...I have suffered from depression before and know many loved ones who have suffered with depression and mental illness...so I don't mean this to be in any way disparaging to those who sufffer...

 hello darlings!

I"m gonna let you in on a little secret...

I get a little obsessed about things...

ok maybe a lot obsessed...

What? You NOTICED that?  Really?!?!

Ok, I will own up to what we all know...I tend to have obsessions with things and share...maybe even overshare about them...

You have all been along for the ride with me with these latest obsessions:

spinning
Katy Perry
spinning
margaritas with jalapenos in them
spinning
football
spinning
spinning
spinning

There are some others but these are the ones that most come to mind...

oh yes...

and spinning...

lest you forget...

I also have really bad ADD which I am sure you have figured out by now because so many of my blogs start off one way and then...squirrel!!!!...I have gotten distracted and something else starts to flow out of me...

like that....just now...

So yesterday became the pinnacle of my obsession and craziness when I literally started to cry at the doctor's office because he said I could not go to Marvelous Mel's spin class after he injected my knees with gel...

First a little background...

My knees are total crap...

like bone on bone total crap...

like 80 year old woman total crap...

like I spent years at 300 lbs walking on them crap

like I need a knee replacement total crap...

you got it?

My knees...

they are crappy and KILL ME

for some reason they don't always hurt when I spin and a lot of times they feel better when I do.  In fact the last few weeks when I did 12 spin classes in 11 days they almost didn't hurt at all

(see I am so obsessed I even did two classes in a row one day and I only stopped myself from having day 12 of it because I knew I HAD to give my body a little break)

This summer when I could take it no more I went to the orthopedic surgeon I see and he looked at my knees and x-rays and declared that my knees were crap...

So we tried cortisone shots...

they worked...a bit...for like 5 minutes...ok more like a couple of weeks but it felt like 5 minutes...

So when I was at the doc he said if the cortisone didn't help enough we could do these gel shots.

I kept hearing from people what a miracle the gel shots were so I figured I would give it a go.  The doc's assistant sent the order to my pharmacy...

and it only took 2 months for them to figure it out and get me the stuff...not kidding

geez...

so between the pharmacy and insurance the stuff gets to the doc and I'm told to come in Monday to have the gel injected.

Let me tell you how joyful the thought of having needles stuck in your knees is...there are worse places I know but knees fall far behind:
buttocks
arm
forehead (my Botox)
big wrinkle between eyebrows
crows feet area

I won't list the worst places...use your imagination...

but Botox and flu shots don't bother me all that much..."that much" being relative because I really hate hate hate needles.

When I talked to the doc's assistant he told me I could go to spin class after...I don't think he realized I literally planned to drive straight to the studio and spin...and I had plenty of people tell me:

"you will not want to do that...you will want to go home and rest you knees"

but since I went to medical school and spent years training in orthopedic surgery and knees especially I knew I could do it

(that last sentence is totally fictional because: 1) I am not a doctor and 2) I have never been to medical school)

but I always know what is BEST for me (not) and so I just knew I could go...I had a bike booked and my workout clothes in the car...

all I needed was for him to shoot the stuff into my knees and off I would go!

I waited an hour and a half to see him...the clock was ticking and I was downtown and it was 5:15...

class was at 6:30...

but I was going to go to Marvelous Mel's Monday Madness dammit...

So Javier the assistant lays out the stuff and I see a whole lotta syringes and needles...

gulp...

doc comes in and asks how I am and starts prepping my knees...sprays me with the freeze spray and then sticks in a long needle full of lidocaine

sumabitch

bad words
bad words
bad words

that hurt like a sumabitch...and then some...and THAT was the PAINKILLER

it took my breath away...

he pokes me again in the knee and starts to put the gel in and oh dear heavens mary and joseph and all my children and good golly miss molly it...

HURT

took my breath away...

he told me to talk it would take my mind off it

I informed him that I could not...and I was trying to breathe...

(there are very few times in my life when I am literally rendered speechless...this was like time #3)

then I noticed there was stuff still in the syringe when he pulled it out...it was at that point I realized we were going to get to have this little party again...

we were going to get to have this little party again 2 more times

and I still had the left knee to go...

that one wasn't as bad but still...there were a lot of bad words wanting to fly out of my mouth...

so he says "come back next Monday" ...

and I'm all...um really?

ok...

and I said:

"I AM GOING TO GO TO SPIN CLASS NOW'

and he says "um...no you are not...I don't recommend it...in fact I highly recommend you don't go and should probably just go home"

and that my friends is when the tears started...

not when he poked me with needles but when he grounded me

Like I said...I go crazy...I am crazy...I am obsessed...

I said "do you know what you are asking of me?  you are telling me I can't go to the class that makes me not hate Mondays..the class that makes my week start of perfectly...the class that makes me so damn happy I leave with a sweaty smile on my face...the class that literally removes all evil from my life?"

(ok so I didn't say all of that...but I was thinking it...)

so while I wiped tears I said:

"but I really love that spin class"

and he said "love it next time but tonight you are not going"

I felt like a toddler...

and he said more stuff and it all became like the Charlie Brown teacher was talking to me and it felt like a tunnel was pulling me back like the mom trying to get to the door in Poltergeist and all I could think of was:

but I took two days off and today I really really wanted to go to Marvelous Mel's class...

and then I said "ok" to it and told him next week I was spinning in the morning BEFORE he stuck needles in my knees again and he laughed..,and told me I must really really like spin class...

I sorta do...

maybe you noticed...

and then I asked if I had permission to go to Spec's Liquor Warehouse since I was downtown and all and not getting to go to spin class and there was bad traffic...

he ok'd that with the promise I would not spend all night there

(he sorta knows me well)

So I schlumped back to the car and called the studio and told them to give my bike to some deserving soul who had knees that weren't crap and could ride in my spot...

and then I cried again...

and drove to Spec's...

and bought some really good red wine...

But last night as I lay icing my sore knees I replayed this all in my mind and saw the depth of my obsession...that I love spinning and those classes so much that even thought I totally hate needles the worst part of all of it was that I couldn't ride last night.

Because I am obsessed...

But that is ok...there are worse things to be obsessed with and at least this one is healthy...

and I get so much more than a workout there...I get a chance to feel on that bike...to think to let it all go to let it loose to let it out...just like that run on sentence...it just flows from me...

sweat and pain

sweat and joy

sweat and heartache

sweat and what is bottled inside

and my beautiful angels on the bike on the stage before me get my heart racing and my calories burning and my muscles moving but they also get my heart and soul running at light speed and I feel so much better about myself when I leave there...

and yesterday I just really wanted to sweat and feel...

I don't have a love or lover...unless you count my kitties...

I have beautiful wonderful children that are my world but I know better than to put my happiness on their shoulders...

I put my happiness on MY shoulders...

I live and love for me and not what someone else can do for me with their love...

so when I go and the instructor tells me to stop competing with anyone else...or just to strive to take myself one step further or better...or to let go of anything that is in my way that is THERAPY for me...

and I get it a whole lot cheaper there than at a psychiatrist's office....

and it keeps me looking into myself to find that "me" I want to be...

not in a physical sense but the "me" I want to be with my HEART

so yeah...I am obsessed

because there is a whole lotta crazy in me but I don't think it is a bad kind of crazy...

just a "I'm gonna be 50 in less than a month and I can still be so much more than I am today" kind of way...

I don't want to stop trying to be better just because I can officially be a member of AARP...

I never want to stop growing and learning and trying to be a better mom, friend, lover...HUMAN

I want to go through the rest of my life looking at the journey ahead and appreciating the road I have traveled...

because it is a whole lotta road...and I have been through some "sheet" my friends...

but I have learned from it...

and I use that as the fuel to keep me going forward...

so if my obsession is that I climb on a bike for 45 minutes pretty much every day and I sweat and twerk and ride it out then so be it...

and if I don't go I go crazy...

because it is not about the calories...it's about the FEELING I get when I work so damn hard for 45 minutes...

something that I could never have done 4 years ago...something I am proud of myself each and every time I do it...

because once upon a time I was fat and miserable and in a marriage that wasn't working and I quit caring about who I was and what I looked like...I quit caring about my health

and mostly I quit caring about loving myself...

I GAVE UP ON ME

I gave up on everything about myself and just kept eating and being a couch potato and buying bigger fat clothes...

I don't do much for myself...I spend 90% of my awake time tending to the needs of others and doing things to make the people I love in my life happy...

but for that 45 minutes a day I get to love myself...to put myself first and do something that is for me...

and for that...

I will happily go crazy...

even if it means I look like a toddler in front of my doctor

and next week when he sticks me in the knees with the needles I am going to take a deep breath and let the pain go and send my mental love to all my friends riding in class...

because I will have already been to spin class...

HA!

Inspiration Song....some of you are so darn young that I can't even justify patting you on your darling heads for not knowing this song..."I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis...it's a song about running into your love that got away...and for me yesterday bike 6 at Revolution Studio was the love that got away...but in reality it is a really pretty song...

Bye Darlings...I may be crazy and obsessed but bear with me...I have such bad ADD something new is bound to come along like a distracting squirrel...but I don't think my love of spinning is going to go away...

Stronger

I've been working on one of those "let's get all therapy up in here" blogs but like the "Love Me Again" blog it's one of those that I have to go to and step away from...it's a heart cleansing thing and I've spilled some tears writing it...so that one will wait

Because tonight I did something that scared me...

and it made me...

Stronger

Hello darlings...

Believe it or not I am gonna lead of this blog with the lyrics of...

Kanye West...

and for those of you who just spit something at the screen rest assured I am no big Kanye fan but the first words he says in this song are words that do inspire me:

Work it, make it, do it, makes us
Harder, better, faster, stronger

Read more: Kanye West - Stronger Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Kanye West...

yes Kanye West...

ok clean off the computer screen so you can read...

I am about to have a significant birthday...one that scares me a little...

ok it scares me a lot...

I am a 50 year old overweight divorcee with bad knees and 3 cats and no blue-eyed man with dimples who drives a big ass truck even asking me to dinner...

but I am also...

a 50 year old mom of two amazing kids who has a great job where I get to have about 60 more kids to love...

that's a better way to look at it and both are true...

so I have decided that I want to do a few things that scare me or challenge me before that birthday arrives in just a little over a month.

No, I will not be jumping out of a plane...

my knees are too crappy but the main reason is I am terrified of heights!

So one of the things I decided to do to challenge myself was to take back-to-back spin classes.

so basically an hour and half on the bike at a high level of intensity with one 15 minute break in between but no breaks between songs...up and out of the saddle for long stretches of time...

I have done long master class spin classes before and trust me one hour and 15 minutes is a huge challenge...and those had no breaks to get off the bike.

they were hard as hell especially when JayVee taught them.

but this was a different sort of challenge because you have to play a little mind game with yourself and get back on the bike...

so it was as much mental as physical

but I decided today was the day to give it a try...and so I let my Sunshine Sydney and Marvelous Mel know I was going to do a double and I knew they would love and support me through it.

The first class was a challenge in itself...I could have walked right out of Revolution Studio after that and said "done" because I burned a ton of calories and was whipped.

But to make sure I didn't chicken out I had booked my bike for the second class so if I left I would have a tiny little penalty to pay...

So I put my happy little ass back on the bike after getting toweled off and some water...I had two great riders on either side of me just like I had for the first class

and Marvelous Mel pulled me through...

at the end I was in tears and couldn't help but yelp out:

"I DID IT"

and sweet Mel got the class to cheer for me (because it is ALL ABOUT ME)

I cried through my stretch and I cried when I hugged Mel after and some very sweet girls came up and hugged me and said that they were inspired to try to do it too...

So that is really the point of this blog...yes, I am sharing my story but really what I want to do is what I always want to do...

I WANT TO INSPIRE YOU TO BE A BETTER YOU
TO TAKE YOURSELF TO THE NEXT LEVEL
TO DO SOMETHING THAT CHALLENGES YOU
TO TRY SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T TRIED BEFORE
TO LET GO OF SOMETHING YOU NEED TO RID YOURSELF OF


I WANT TO HAVE JUST ONE OF YOU WRITE ME TO SAY THAT THIS BLOG INSPIRED YOU TO MAKE YOURSELF HARDER, BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER...

So look inside yourself...find that thing that you want to try...

that thing that challenges you

that thing you want to take to the next level

that part of yourself you want to free

AND JUST DO IT

If my almost 50 year old self can get her big butt up on a bike for 2 high intensity spin classes in a row then I know there are things out there that you people can do that are FAR FAR GREATER

mine was just a challenge to myself, but I want to see everyone doing things that give us that awesome moment where you can yell out

"I DID IT!!!!!!!"

and if that challenge is that you want to try spinning...well you know where to find me...

Inspiration Song:  I can't believe I am typing this "Stronger" by Kanye West.  I don't love all the words in this song but the harder, better, faster, stronger does appeal to me and the beat is pretty awesome...really the credit should be to Daft Punk for their song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" which is heavily sampled on this song...so let's call it Daft Punk...but I am saving that song title for another blog...

Bye Darlings...now that that don't kill me can only make me stronger...and so find that that don't kill you and use it to make you stronger...and then pass it on and inspire others...besos!

Love Me Again

Hello Darlings...

Before you read this know that this is a long rambling therapy session with myself...this blog has taken weeks to write...and more than a few days to decide to share...I share it so others who may feel as I do will know they are not alone...I share it to let you know what is going on in my crazy head because that is what I do...I do not share this as a way for any of you to affirm to me anything about myself...

I want to fall in love

I need to fall in love

But not with some blue-eyed man with dimples who drives a big-ass truck

I need to fall in love with myself...

Because as RuPaul says (and we all know Ru knows how to tell it like it is):

"If you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?"

Wise words...

from a fabulous drag queen who I find incredibly inspiring in so many ways...

It's an interesting relationship I have with myself...and I find myself on the slippery slope of becoming more like my mother with my worry about how I look on the outside.

But unlike my mother I love my inside very much...

I know I have a good heart...I love other humans...I give of myself completely...

if I am your friend then you know I love you and I am there for you

I often say that the outside of me is like window dressing in a store front...it's just some fixed up stuff...it's the inside the counts and the inside of "my store" is filled with priceless items and fabulous things that I give freely to all who love me...

But lately I find myself worried about my appearance....

and mostly the weight I have gained over this past year.

Because once you have been at a very scary weight (and I visited that weight more than once in my adulthood) you know you have to fight every day not to go there again.

Every.damn.day.

It is a huge fight and struggle...I have to think about everything I put in my mouth and literally beat myself up for it sometimes...

I looked and felt so darn good after my surgery...I had the flat stomach I had always dreamed of...my thighs (always large) were not bad...my bootie will always be big but it was firm...and I had my Barbie boobs...

But then...ever so slowly...the weight started to creep back on...

At first I noticed things were getting a little tight but I thought I could get it off quickly again...

but then I got busy doing things and eating right and working out got thrown to the backseat...and a little more crept on...

and that pattern continued for a year

and then one day I finally saw myself in the mirror as I really was...I had put on more than a few pounds and working out only twice a week was not doing me any good.  All of my cute new clothes didn't fit or looked terrible and lumpy on me...

It's almost as if for a year I had a magic mirror that blurred the lines so that I didn't see what was really there...but then one day the fog cleared and I saw myself

and

I

cried

no let's make that "I bawled my eyes out"...

Oh I am nowhere near where I was when I was at my heaviest...but I certainly had gained a couple of dress sizes

and what was tight and firm now jiggled like Jello

And I came to the sorry realization that I had let myself go and was no longer putting my health and well-being first...

So I decided to do something about it...

JayVee was instrumental in getting me to get back on track...she suggested I give a new indoor cycling studio a try...she knew I needed more than just her class two days a week and although she never ever once said a negative thing to me about my weight gain I know she saw it and loved me too much to tell me outright...so she guided me...which is what a very very good friend will do...

I had been once before with her to the location near her house but it wasn't all that convenient to my old house...but then they opened a new location so very close to me I couldn't use distance as an excuse...and now that I am in my new house their original location is also close...

So I took myself down there and found...

a revolution

Revolution Studio to be exact...

Now the purpose of this post is NOT to promote one business in particular (although I will fully admit that I am a complete fan of this studio and what they do and I urge you to give them a look if you are looking for a great place to spin!  I will go with you!) but I mention this studio in particular because I'm getting something there I need and it's not just sweat.

Because when we are in class...and we are working so very hard to "tap back"  and keep the beat (and for me in particular this is a challenge when it is fast hip-hop music because I very much have "white girl's rhythm") the instructors feed our souls as well...

It's hard to describe but it truly is more than just a ride on an indoor bike...there is so much love and life-affirming that goes on there that when you get off the bike you find that you are sweaty but somehow feeling so energized and happy that you are truly at your happy place.

There are days that I feel so damn old and fat...and tired...and just like "why the hell do I bother" and then I get in class and Jen the Awesome or KuteKim or MarvelousMel or QueenB or Sweet Charisse or SunshineSydney will say "this is your house of opportunity" and I realize it truly is...

Those 45 minutes are my opportunity to change my body...to be strong...to open my heart to possibilities...to be better...

And that the only person I have to compete with is the person I was yesterday...

It doesn't just make my bootie better...it makes my SOUL better to ride and let it all go...and to hear someone tell me that I AM good enough...strong enough...fast enough...

For a confident person I have a ton of self doubt...

I worry every second about my costuming until I see it on stage and then I know I knocked it out of the park and I did a damn good job...and GOTT will constantly tell me it all looks great but there is this part of me that says "maybe it's not right"...but I am conquering that a lot better this year...

But the biggest part of me with self doubt is about my body...and there I am an epic fail...

Because it has always always always been a struggle....

And it always will be...

I like food...

no let's rephrase that to "I LOVE FOOD"...

and I'm a good cook...and my style of cooking is usually down-home full of butter badness...Paula Deen and the Pioneer Woman are pretty much my cooking spirit animals...but I have learned over the years how to cook very healthy food and be very happy with it...

but let's face it...I never met a french fry I didn't like...

well, to be honest, I only REALLY like french fries from Houston's or King's Inn but trust me I still will eat an albino fry from Whataburger just like it was a nice crispy golden one from McDonald's back in the day...

the fact that I can perfectly describe a really good fry should pretty much tell you how much I like french fries...and how connected I am to food...

I worked so hard...so very very hard...to get those 140 lbs off that I lost a few years ago...I had such drive to get it done...to go from a size 24 to an 8...to go to the Oprah show...to release the girl that was inside me from her fat prison...

And to have let it go and gotten all "fluffy" (ok let's call it what it is---fat...) again is such a disappointment to myself because it makes me question why I let it happen...

because there really was NOT a magic mirror that blurred the lines...i just was blind to myself...

and I have all kinds of excuses as to why...stress...lack of time...hurt knees...moving...blah blah blah

but the heart of the issue was that I stopped loving myself enough to take care of myself as I should...

and then I have the other issue of hating myself for not being a perfect Barbie bodied girl...

it's a love/hate thing...

wow...

I could make a therapist really happy with that realization...

but it really struck me a few weeks ago when I was in spin class and KuteKim and MarvelousMel were teaching...and at the end of the class I cried... and I cried again when I hugged them after because I truly took in what they were saying to me about loving myself and loving that person I see in the mirror...and moving myself forward...and a few days later at Marvelous Mel's Hip-Hop bike party class I found myself in tears through the last two songs as I felt something in me release...and a sense of pride of my ability to DO THIS...

it was very emotional

and hot...it was very very hot...and sweaty...

but it was a hot sweaty epiphany and when I got home and I peeled my wet clothes off of my body and I looked in the mirror and was ready to just HATE my big thighs full of cellulite dimples and my wide middle and extra padding on my hips and let's not even talk about my ass...

I looked in the mirror

and even though I didn't LOVE the body I saw...

I knew that my body was strong enough to kick ass in a spin class even though I am just a few months from 50...

that my body MADE and gestated the two most amazing humans I have ever known (my kids)...

that my body has been through years of yo-yo dieting...and that I will never ever ever look like Heidi Klum or Giselle Bundchen and that's ok because there is only one Heidi and one Giselle and I don't have the genes to be them...

but it is MY body...

and I can change it with what I put into it and the work I put out from it...

It will never be a perfect Barbie body...

I will never be called "thin"

I will never have a "hot body"

but I can have a healthy one...

and now I have to work on THAT being my ideal...not a perfect body but one that is strong and healthy and able to wear the clothes I want to wear...

I am a happy person...I am happy with my life...

but I am not happy with my body right now and I just have had to do a check on myself to see WHY it is so important to me to look "beautiful"...

is it because I am single? (well...yes...I know it is easier to meet someone when you are nice looking and men who are my age are looking for a hot 35 year old not a 50 year old...)

is it because my mother had such value in her own beauty that she spent so much money trying to perfect it? (probably has a lot to do with it)

or is it because somehow I equate looking good with being good?

I can say "NO"to that one...

make that scream "NO" to that one because I never judge anyone by their looks...(although I am shallow enough to admit that if I don't find a man attractive to my sense of what I find attractive I don't want to date him no matter how nice he is because I have to have a physical attraction to someone to be more than friends...and yes that is so shallow that you can throw rocks at me for it)

I am just disappointed that I let myself go and didn't keep up my hard work...

So now when I look in the mirror I still see the flaws and all the extra flesh and I am still disappointed that I am heavy and wish I was that cute little size 8 I was when I got out of surgery...

but I don't HATE myself for it...

and I am working on it...and trying to make sure that this time I keep it off...

because I am happier with my body when it is fit and thinner...

I know my inside is beautiful...I love my friends and family and I give 100% of myself to others and I would give you the shirt of my back if you are someone who needs it...I know I am a good mom and that is what I think is the MOST important thing about me---that I am mom to two wonderful kids...

but I need to quit worrying that the outside of me is beautiful and just focus on the healthy part...

and as I close out this blog that is one rambling therapy session I have to stress this last part...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT THINK FOR ONE SECOND I WROTE THIS BLOG SO THAT PEOPLE WILL TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL...

Please...don't...

and don't say it to me...

that is not how I work or feel...I wrote this blog as a therapy session for myself and to reassure some of you out there who feel the same way that you are not alone...

I am learning to love myself again...to quit worrying what the size label in a dress says and love how I feel...

to forgive myself for having dimpled thighs and just cover them up with a skirt...

to know that all my hard work in spin class and eating right will pay off and I will get back into my cute clothes and be able to wear jeans and darling tops like all the other football moms (see the blog "Don't Play No Game that I Can't Win" for why) and to put on my pretty dresses and feel confident and sexy when I go to dinner with friends...

it will come back...

but first...

I have to love myself...

and then the rest will fall into place

Can I get an AMEN up in here?

Inspiration Song: "Love Me Again" by John Newman.  JayVee introduced me to it and plays it during spin class for me...it's a great song to spin to and the sweeping orchestral arrangement is just awesome...

Bye Darlings...I am learning to love me again...and if you have fallen out of love with yourself I urge you to remember the good things about yourself and fall in love again...because how are you going to love somebody else if you don't love yourself?

AMEN...

Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win

Hellloooo Darlings!

In case you haven't noticed...

it's football season...

And this year I am having my first experience as being a "Varsity Mama".

My son has played football since the 4th grade and I thought I had gotten used to this barbaric sport called football but now that he is playing against the big boys I find that I am not ready to be a Varsity mother...he's ready to play Varsity...I'm just not ready to sit in the stands and watch it...

My son has been on the Varsity wrestling team since he was a freshman but at our school there is a BIG difference between Varsity football and all the other sports.

Football is the big time...

The rest.. they are the stepsisters...

This is Texas after all.

My son got to have a sort-of honorary position of being moved up to the Varsity team after his JV season ended last year but he only practiced with them and stood (in his uniform) on the sidelines.  He didn't play one second of Varsity football last year during a game.

And that was just fine and dandy with me!

But he got a taste of what it was like---the team dinners, the special locker room, Chick-fil-A in the locker room after the game...the fun stuff.

I asked him if it bothered him that his wrestling didn't get all the attention and food and parties and stuff that football got.

My son, ever the practical one said:

"Mom, it's wrestling.  We aren't supposed to eat anything"

(lest that comment worries you I can assure you 100% that my son is NOT allowed to cut weight in crazy ways or wear plastic clothing to sweat in or do any of the crazy stuff some wrestlers do.  His coach only allows a very small weight drop at a time and they weigh and watch them constantly.  I manage his weight during the season by cutting out "bad" carbs and salt).

He loves both sports equally and so it really doesn't bother him that wrestling doesn't get the attention...or the cheerleader buddy gifts and Chick-fil-A.

I am learning a lot about being a Varsity Mom...and I am sorta failing miserably at it.

Things like:

1) The team dad sent out an email at the start of the season reminding us to get hotel rooms for the out of town game and something about shirts.  I THOUGHT I had forwarded that email to my ex-husband and although I wasn't sassy I was a bit to the point and said something about "this is football and it's on you"...

Turns out instead of hitting the "forward" button I hit "respond".  Poor team dad got it.  He sent me back an email suggesting maybe my response was not meant for him.

I.was.mortified.

He (team dad) thought it was hilarious.

I sent back and email informing him that he would not need to play referee and that all the fighting would be down on the field.  When I finally met him face-to-face he said he had been dying to meet the woman who literally made him crack up (there was more to the emails but I won't bore you).

So basically I have screwed up looking cool in front of the Team Dad and Team Mom...

2) NO ONE told me I had to look like and dress like a supermodel for these games.

You should see these women...they are all gorgeous and they all look amazing.

And where the hell they have room in their closets for all the fantastic adorable purple clothes they wear  so chicly I have not one clue...but damn...

So here's me at the first game: long black skirt and purple t-shirt...I had to teach that day.

Here's them: white skinny jeans with chic chiffon purple flow-y top and cute wedge heels...or darling romper in gold and cute cowboy boots (Team mom...she's too cute for words and looks like a teenager)...or precious dress and fun shoes...or cute little shorts and fun little top all in purple and gold...

Oh...and they all have great hair and cute haircuts and hair-do's.

I sport a ponytail...although one time I curled my hair and they only knew who I was because I was wearing my son's jersey.

me: fail
Them: supermodels

I have tried to find adorable purple outfits to fit my oompah loompah shape but I have had little to no luck.

It is my mission this next year to stockpile chic and perfect football mom clothes for next year so I can be dazzling too...

but all I really want to wear is yoga pants and a t shirt.

3) I don't know how to behave in the stands...

I sorta have to tell myself my butt is glued to my seat when my son goes down.

During the first game he rolled his ankle and was slow to get up.  The second game he pulled his achilles.

I had to tell myself : "You are a varsity mom.  Varsity moms sit here cool as a cucumber while their son is rolling on the ground hurt.  You do not move.  You sit stoically.  You remain calm and composed.  You do not go running down the stands and out onto the field to check on your baby.  You are as cool as a north wind."

All the while the rest of me is screaming:

"My baby is hurt and he needs his mama!!!!!"

I learned this from watching the other moms.

I wonder if they are having the same conversation in their heads and also want to run down and hold their baby boys.

I also have once or twice stood up and yelled:

"That's MY boy!!!!" once or twice when he has sacked the quarterback and saved us from doom.

The dads just stare at me...

I don't care...

That was MY boy that just brought down another human...and I totally think he deserves a trophy every time he does it.

I cheer just as hard for my friends son's too.  When my friend PrettyPhyllis's son made an interception last game and the crowd was chanting his name I got teary-eyed.  And when my friend DarlingDebbie's son made a touchdown (he is on defense so that's a big deal) I yelled like he was my own kid...

So yeah...I'm THAT mom in the stands...the LOUD one...the OBNOXIOUS one...

Luckily I have another friend DivineDawn who is as loud or louder than me and next year when her son is on Varsity I will sit with her and we can make enough noise for the whole crowd.

(Except I won't look as fabulous as her because she is just one of those women that even yoga pants and a t-shirt look like couture on because she is so damn fabulous and divine...and she has the cool hair twists that this white girl is jealous of...I named her well...divine...)

OMG and when I watch the cheerleaders I cringe and cover my eyes...they are incredible with their tosses and tumbling and throwing each other about.  So I sit in the stands and sit on my hands so I don't wring them when I watch the girls doing their routines and cheers.  I actually think it might be harder to be a cheer mom than a football mom---at least my boy is wearing padding!

When I was a cheerleader all I had to do was jump and hold up TeenyTinyTerry...and she was teeny tiny...

So I am the mom in the stands who has that worried and concerned look on her face when she watches the cheerleaders...

Someone please tell me how to look gorgeous and chic and wear a mask on my face so I don't look "skeerd" (scared) all the time...

4) I don't know how to do all the socializing that goes along with this team.

I turn right back into the intimidated middle school girl at the team parties...

The seniors moms have been doing this for a while and they all know each other...I cling to my friends who I have known for years.

You would think as loud as I can be I wouldn't get shy but at these parties I feel that way.

Part of it is that I may just be the only single mom on the team...so I fell sorta out of place.  Lucky for me PrettyPhyllis often comes as my date because her husband is handling their other sons.

And the parties...wow...

Those people can party.

They really are a fun group of people... a lot of fun...and they throw great parties.

It is my goal next week to branch out and try and meet a few more of the parents...if I can find an adorable purple outfit to wear...

This whole experience has given me a chance to learn some things from my son...

He goes into each and every game ready to play his heart out.

He is a little hard on himself (I see him do great and he feels like he just did ok) but he also knows that he is good enough at his job of linebacker to hold his own.

He won't play college ball but that is fine and dandy with me.  He's too small and I don't think my heart could handle it.

Last week he had to go up against an offensive line that was basically made of trees, not boys...

They.were.huge.

They totally outplayed us and sadly our offense was not having a great day so the kept losing the ball and my son was having to run back onto the field almost as soon as he got off the field.  By the end of the last quarter of the game the defense was so worn out they looked dazed.

When my son got home he was tired, hungry beyond belief, beat up and discouraged.

But after getting a good shower, a Whataburger patty melt in him, and a few minutes to rest he was less discouraged and ready to move on to next week's game.

He recovers quickly...at least his spirit does...his body has taken a few more days than usual to get over that game.

We are lucky that he attends a school with an excellent set of trainers that do an amazing job of helping the boys recover after games with icing and treatments.  My son has had electrical stimulation treatments so many times the trainer now has him help him set the other boys up when we have had a hard game and a lot of the boys need post-game treatments.

That helps him...

but there is nothing that really helps a mama recover...

ah but then again their is...

wine

and

vodka

(but not at the same time)

My son goes out there and commits 100% of himself 100% of the time.

He hits and hits and hits boys.

He takes them down and he gets taken down.

It's the same with wrestling.

And when I look at him...tired, sweaty, bruised, scratched and sometimes bloodied after a game...and he smiles as me and tells me he is tired but I can see that he had fun...

well...

that is one game worth winning...

because love of the game is what it is all about...not the scoreboard

(ok yes it is about the scoreboard but you know what I mean...)

I let him play because he loves it.

He gets up and goes to school most mornings at 6:30 to lift weights and then carries one of the toughest academic loads on the team (2 AP classes, 2 Honors classes and the hardest English teacher) and then goes to practice for 2 hours.

He rarely complains.

He doesn't get a lot of glory or his name in the paper.

But he plays the game because he loves it.

And he wrestles because it is the one thing that is all on him and it's just him and the other boy and he loves it.

And so, I will find cute purple clothing, glue my butt to the stadium seat when he is hurt...

but I will still yell out

"That's MY boy" when he takes the opposing QB down...

because that's how this Varsity mama rolls...

you can dress me up but you can't make me behave...

and thank god for the recover potion known as "wine" or the "Varisty Mom painkiller" known as vodka...

With a few prayers, a little luck, a tiny (ok a lot) of wine, and good friends I can play this game too...and win...

Inspiration Song: "Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win" by the Beastie Boys...because it doesn't matter what the scoreboard says, as long as you play with your heart you will always win...

Bye Darlings: Go out there and cheer for the ones you love for whatever they love doing...Friday Night Lights is not only football...it's about love of the game...ANY game...and as long as the game is played safely and fairly and your child or friend is having fun...that is a game worth winning...