I Am Woman

Before I start this blog I have a few "housekeeping" items to address. I know it's been a while since I blogged and I still have not fully expressed how it feels to be told "you are cancer free" and I have a whole lot of fun to share with you concerning ER visits, hospital stays and colonoscopies...but the other day I was struck with the "feels" and felt like sharing this instead. What I want to drop in here has to do with the term "woman". When I say "woman" I mean ALL women, not just those who's assigned gender at birth was "female" which goes to say that I also believe that trans women are "women". My blog: my opinion. I know many of you will not agree and what I ask of you is before you pass judgement if you do not know and have a relationship with a trans person it is very difficult to understand. I have trans people in my life that I deeply care about and love so for me the issue of trans is a non-issue. So I may say some things that sound odd like "born with female organs" and that is why...and, because I am human, I may say some things that don't directly represent the trans community because I write as a stream of consciousness.

Also there will be some very frank discussion here about body parts and things that happen when you are sick...this is not for the faint of heart...so if you clutch your pearls at the mention of diarrhea then you better skip this blog...because there is that and more...

My blog: my opinion

so to all the women out there---I salute you...ALL women...

Hello Darlings!

After being sick for most of the summer I am finally starting to feel like myself again. So a few days ago I felt good enough to get out and run a few errands: pick up a little lunch, go to the teller machine and pick up curbside groceries and carry them into my house and put them away...

As I was driving along I had my 70's radio station blaring and Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" came on and I, just as I did when I was a young girl, began singing along with the song.

I was driving and singing and then I realized I was crying...tears running down my face...

because that song has taken on new meaning to me over these last few years

In my youth it was an anthem of female empowerment and women's liberation...but the other day as I sang along I felt the lyrics in a new way and one that reflects how I feel having conquered cancer.

Recently I posted a quote that said "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know" (Pema Chodron).

And that my friends is how I feel about my cancer...

it's like it was with me for so long because it had so much to teach me about myself...about relationships...about what is truly important...about trust...about health...about healing...about listening when I needed to listen and questioning when I needed clarity...about grace...

grace with myself and with others (and with my poor poor doctors and nurses)

It was a long period of time not knowing whether I was going to die...whether I would ever be free of El Diablo...whether I would see and enjoy a future.

Because I wasn't lucky enough to come out of the OR cancer free...yes the tumor invading all (and I mean ALL) of my female organs was gone but there was still cancer lurking in those pesky lymph nodes...

But I fought on because I had absolutely no choice.

No choice.

No. Choice.

NO

CHOICE

Because that's what happens when you are ill...you have no choice.

Oh yes I do realize that some people find that the treatments aren't worth the pain and loss and suffering and opt to rely on faith or just accept their fate and face the end of life with more grace than I could ever have but that was not me...

I wanted to fight

Because I know the second act of my life is around the corner (or maybe it's my third act? I'm not a playright so I'm not sure ok maybe we roll with third act if pre-cancer was one act and cancer was another and now post cancer...oh well I am getting lost in minutiae)

But I know I have more living to do.

So for all of you who think of me as a warrior, or brave, or whatever---if you were in my place you could and would do exactly as I did...you would find the best team of doctors for yourself and put your trust and faith in them and modern science and medicine. My fellow cancer warriors will agree.

I'm nothing special

I'm just a woman who got the hell jolted out of her when she was told "you have uterine cancer"...

I did what I had to do...

As the song lyrics say:

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman....

That right there my friends is what broke me...what sent the tears down my face and new comprehension washed over me...

The lessons I have learned were born of such tremendous physical and emotional pain I could never have comprehended when my journey started.

And the price...

Oh the price...

Let's start with the "easy" stuff because the biggest price, the loss of my body parts, is the hardest one of all and some of you, especially men, might think it was easy...but nooooo....

Let's add up my "bill":

3 spinal fusions because my spine was weakened by radiation

Now I have this colitis situation which they think was caused by the very drug that saved me...

colitis that completely robbed me of and ruined my summer and I had to miss some very special events because of it...

the colitis has caused me no end of loss of dignity...and I do mean loss of dignity...because at 2:30 am when you are too weak to clean yourself up after going to the bathroom (in a bedside toilet no less) because you are having to do a colonoscopy prep while you are very ill---yeah you give up dignity and you don't care who comes to help you at that point...and you cry...

I've had moments where I have had to reach for the adult diapers...not just with this colitis but because of things like radiation or medication...humiliating...

or times I have had "accidents"...once with my daughter present...

I have a hernia from my incision

I've gained so much weight because of lack of exercise from being sick and all the steroids that have been pushed into me trying to get me well and now joints aching with pain tied to the colitis so no exercise for me...just as I was proving I was a badass at physical therapy...

My knees are so much worse off than they should have been had I been able to have replacement surgery sooner

I will forever, and I do mean forever, have a left leg that is twice the size of my right leg thanks to lymphedema because of the cancer in my lymph nodes. It's not unnoticeable. My left thigh probably weighs a minimum of 5 more lbs just because of the fluid in my thigh. Fluid that will never go away. Fluid that I can push through and sort of get my lower leg under control but there is no good way for me to have compression on my thigh. And it shows. And it causes me to waddle as a walk and I might never wear pants again. A situation that will forever require me to be in compression every minute of every day except showering. A condition that will require that I use a compression pump every single day. Forever. It's not something that can be fixed, repaired, or reconstructed. I can't go in and have surgery and suddenly my lymph nodes will do their job and I'll have a normal leg again. It doesn't work like that. The bit of experimental surgery they do have is very risky and not very good and not covered by insurance so it's a total gamble.

I'm allergic to drugs now thanks to all the things that have been pumped into me...

And the one that is hard---I lost the very essence of feeling like a woman. I know women have hysterectomies every day but mine was a little deeper...a little more taken from me...things that are too private to discuss here but not only were my hormones wrecked but parts of me are gone that there is no repair for or reconstruction.

I'm being frank here...because a hysterectomy for cancer is a little different than one for other reasons. I'll just say " the cut is deeper" and leave it at that.

And all the cliches of menopause hit me at one time because I was not in full blown menopause when I was wheeled into that OR that day but I was when they wheeled me out...

And I could get more frank here and discuss that not having a partner also makes this difficult because honestly I don't know what I would be like romantically...I'll just drop that there and walk away and let you figure out the rest because it's too much and too transparent...

but I also don't want to shy away from the brutality this disease has caused.

(and God I live for the time when I don't feel the need to list all the things cancer has robbed of me...I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing it too...)

I've always found it ironic, and I have said so many times, that it was the organ in my body that gave me the greatest gift---my two kids---that tried to kill me.

I grew two full term humans in that uterus (and two angel babies).

I

Made

Humans

With

My

Body

Something I have never ceased to marvel at...I mean not only did I make these people but they are freaking marvelous

I never felt more like a "woman" than when I was pregnant...I mean I have always been a girly girl and I love pink and lipstick and heels and pretty dresses and being very feminine but being pregnant made me feel like I was connecting with my ancestors and all other women who had a human form inside their bodies...I felt like a woman at 28...

And it's also never lost on me that I have many dear friends who because of circumstance or health or their own body's issues were never able to experience the joy and incredibleness of having another human inside their body and I grieve for them. Infertility and miscarriage and stillbirth are painful and heartbreaking. For my friends who had their chance at having children robbed for them I feel a great loss if it had been their wish...and for my friends who became parents through adoption I feel great love that you were given the gift of a child to be yours...

All of this being said I don't equate being pregnant to womanhood but for me pregnancy was what made me most feel like a powerful strong woman---until cancer made me stronger (because I had a cancer that only someone born genetically female can get). Cancer made me more of a badass woman than anything else in my life...because I was fighting for me and all the women who cancer was robbing of our female organs...

Through the years I experienced many painful things: physically, emotionally, spiritually...

many...

but none more so (other than the loss of my parents and dear grandparents and my "extra parents") than the brutal pain and trials I have experienced these last 5 years.

Spring of 2016 I knew something was wrong with me...I knew it...I felt it...things weren't "right" and it wasn't just pre-menopause. I was off. And I told GOTT and he said he would support me as I went on the journey to find out. When your work hubby says something like that you feel blessed...

What followed was seeing my General Practitioner, my gyno (with a clear pap smear that 6 months later there was cancer in my cervix), a cardiologist, a endocrinologist and an ultrasound of my thyroid. Then the bleeding started...and all hell broke loose and if you have been reading this blog for a while you know what happened next...

"you might have cancer" became "you have uterine cancer"

and there my life did the biggest pivot thus far

(and please tell me as you read the word "pivot" that the Friends episode with the couch and the staircase made you say "pivot" in your head like David Schwimmer...)

I had to pivot...

or in my theatre terms: PLOT TWIST

because leading up to it I was just a divorcee getting one kid off to college while the other one was finishing up and I figured it was my time to shine.

It was my time to shine.

But not how I had planned...you know, because of the plot twist...

the PIVOT

I had thought I would find a boyfriend and enjoy being an adult in a relationship that didn't force me to alter everything about myself in some way.

And that's what happened...

minus the boyfriend part...

I had a relationship but the relationship was with cancer and once again I was having to alter everything about myself including my body after my beloved surgeon oncologist cut it all out

It was my time to learn all about myself and my relationship with ME and with others and with what was truly important in my life...

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

And that was when I decided that I was going to beat cancer.

There was no other choice

I could sit around and wallow and worry and cry about it or I could put on my glitter and fight

So I fought...and trust me if you were faced with what I was faced with you would fight just as hard and as well too because YOU HAVE NO CHOICE

you can't wish cancer away...you have to fight it

So to all of you who so very kindly and sweetly say I am an inspiration and you admire how strong I am I want you to know that you have all of that inside yourself as well...just as strongly as I do...and I pray you never have to face it and do it.

I told Dr Rockstar that I was going to beat this unbeatable cancer. The one they can't cure but only keep you stable. The one that requires treatment all the time and no end. Because in 2016 that was my fate--I had the bad kind and only poison was going to keep me alive...poison from chemicals and from radiation.

I told her she was going to be able to say I am cancer free...I told her I knew I would hear those words from her...I told her she was going to be known as the doctor who beat UPSC

(and sadly I still haven't gotten to hear those words from her because she did a fellowship and left me in the more than capable hands of Dr Pretty so she got to say it...but this Friday I hear she is back and I have to go up for a port flush so I think I am gonna make her say the words...just because I need to hear them from her...)

I told her that she needed to keep me alive until science caught up with my disease and that is exactly what happened...I went from "you will need chemo for the rest of your life" to "immunotherapy saved me"...

I told her I was gonna beat it and get my knees fixed so I could live my life fully....and yes along the way some other things happened (see above) that will make it so I won't be quite able to do that but I'll be better than I was anyway...

Because you can bend but never break me...

and it only serves to make me more determined than ever

And you, yes YOU could do that do...but like I said I hope you never have to

Cancer really was a great teacher even if El Diablo was a total asshole about it...sometimes our best teachers are the ones we like the least.

I learned so much about myself---things that make me cringe--when I go back and read my old blogs about myself before the cancer and after my divorce and when I was all feeling myself thinking I was cute when I was thin and healthy...

I read those blogs and marvel at the ignorance about myself...me thinking that because I had lost over 100 lbs that I was really something special.

Nah...

my body taught me that to live like that I couldn't enjoy myself and I had to work too hard...and then my body proved it was in control by making it virtually impossible to try to lose weight

because when your body is secretly fighting cancer it really can't be bothered about losing fat in your big butt...

And now I am trying so hard to lose the weight I have gained...just trying to get myself to a place where when I look in the mirror I don't want to cry...

the problem is some of the fluff (thanks to lymphedema which also affects my trunk and pelvic area) will never go away...and now all the inflammation is bloating me so there's that so I mostly avoid the mirror and just know that I can only do what I can do to try and be healthy.

I mentioned to my GI doc that I was trying to lose weight and God bless her her response was "you have other things to worry about...we can deal with the weight later...let's get you feeling better'...yes my name for her is Dr Guts and Glory...she's good stuff...

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

And now I am ready to find out where my journey takes me that is outside of just cancer stuff...yes I will forever have to deal with some of the side effects of what has been done to me but I'm about to be a real live Jamie Sommers and be The Bionic Woman once I get my other knee fixed (I wonder if I will be able to leap on top of buildings...probably not but at least I will be able to walk!).

I'm ready to put what I have learned into action...maybe in a book...maybe by doing some public speaking and sharing my story and how I grew from it...I'm not sure what that next step is but I'm ready to take it and raise awareness about cancer (especially uterine), cold capping, and how positivity and believing in yourself can conquer impossible things.

I still have a long way to go to fulfilling my life's promise...God gave me my life and now I need to use it for good things...for positivity...for change...for awareness...for whatever He sees fit to have me do because I feel like He didn't save me just for me to clam up and and selfishly live my life and just say "ok that's done...next..."

God made me a woman so I could experience all of this...so I could experience something that only someone who was gendered female at birth could experience. Not the giving birth part (that was special) but so that I could lose the organs that some would argue biologically make me a woman (although I believe trans women are also female even without those parts). I needed to lose that essence of what I felt was my womanhood so that I could bring awareness to a disease that I knew no one personally had had so that maybe it got a few of you to the gyno...or a mammogram...or the dreaded colonoscopy...

because if watching me suffer scared you even just a little bit then it was a good thing...because I want you scared enough that you listen to your body and that you have your checkups and testing.

I want you so scared that you fear that drop of blood you see on the toilet tissue and you get it checked out...

I want you terrified when you feel a lump

I want you frightened as hell when something feels off and you know your body is not behaving...

I want you scared so that you act on it and you face it and you walk into that mammogram or suffer that colonoscopy prep or go to the gyno after 5 years to make sure you don't end up like me.

I acted fast but my body did not give me the full signals fast enough

You need to listen to your body and be scared so you call that doctor's office...and then I want you to face that fear and know you can handle whatever is placed before you.

Because you can do it...I did and so can you...

I want people to know that they have the power to do what I did...and I know not everyone wins their battle against this horrible disease---I've lost friends to many forms of cancer---but I want to be sure that all of you know that I'm nothing special.

I'm just a woman who was told she had to fight.

And so I did...

Because I am strong...

I am invincible...

I am woman...

And now, to quote not only the marvelous Helen Reddy but also Katy Perry: YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAR...

Get ready...I'm gonna make a lot of noise...help me be loud...

Inspiration Song: "I am Woman" by Helen Reddy...because I've been down there on the floor and no one's ever gonna keep me down again...no one and no El Diablo...and by the way people she not only sang the song---she wrote the dang thing!!!

Here are all the full lyrics not chopped up...it's powerful when you read it...
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman


Bye Darlings...let me hear you roar...let my beautiful women friends feel all the womanly things about themselves and share it...and I'm gonna roar a lot more now because I feel like I need to ROAR more and share more to glitter up this world...I am strong, I am invincible...I am WOMAN