Monday, October 29, 2018

God is a DJ

Hello Darlings

(Prepare for some cussing here...that's just how I am rolling today...hope I don't offend you...
oh and pour yourself a drink...this may take a while)

It's been a while...I've been busy trying to conquer El Diablo all the while costuming a play...

So let's talk about what is going on.

You see about 2 years ago right about now (almost exactly right now) I told my doctor that I was bleeding, and in pain, and I felt awful...

and because she's the best gyno in the world she looked deeper...

she ran a test...

She wasn't going to just let an ultrasound tell her what was wrong...she decided to run a blood test that CAN (but not always) indicate if there is cancer present.

And that blood test came back with a sky high number.

you all know the story by now...

more tests followed...
a biopsy followed...
pathology discovered cancer...
I had a hysterectomy...

and I DECIDED I DAMN WELL WAS GONNA LIVE....

Because you see I am a UNICORN

A FREAKIN MAGICAL BADASS UNICORN

Because I have a cancer that barely ever gets cured...and most women die...

and I had Stage 4

but because I am a magical unicorn and so badass I'm gonna beat this thing...

and yes, Unicorns can be BADASS...

Because you have to be badass because no one believes you are real

and you have a damn horn in your forehead

and you are basically made of glitter and sparkle

So yeah...I'm a badass...a sparkly badass that is a unicorn as a human.

Because...

I AM FREAKING BEATING THIS DAMN CANCER

yes, you read that right...

EL DIABLO HAS GONE INTO HIDING AND DR ANGEL CAN'T FIND HIM

that's right people---I had a scan and the scan is CLEAR

This is where you jump up and down...burst into tears...scream with joy and DANCE YOUR ASS OFF....

This is where you hit your knees and thank God for answered prayers...

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL...

Now we do need to simmer down for a minute because we have been here before with me...

Back in January I had a good scan

And El Diablo likes to go on vacation every once in a while so he might just be in the Bahamas right now but for today...he is gone...

he is no mas...

for today...

Which in reality means that he could come back from vacay all tanned and happy and ready to make my life miserable again but frankly he isn't getting the welcome mat in my body and I am no Airbnb so he can't visit here anymore...

I had a scan last week...

and I was horribly nervous...

and as I sat in the waiting room waiting for them to take me bet I met two lovely ladies in their 70's who were suffering from their own ailments...

one was having the same back issue I was had last spring...

the other told me she has had a bullet in her spine for the last 22 years...

I sat there and thanked God for my relative health and the fact that I was blessed to have doctors and treatments..

it's all relative people...

I may have cancer but I remember the horrendous pain my spine caused me and I just wanted to take it all away from that sweet lady...

and I might have cancer but I am not walking around with a bullet in my spine...

God has a way of making you remember your place in this world.

So I had a scan but Dr. Angel was having a super busy day and so I could not pester him to read my scan....but on Thursday he was able to take a look at it and so I dropped by to mess up his day and make him do what he does best---look at the blobs on his big computer screen and tell me what he sees.

That man lives up to his name...he is truly and Angel and I'm beyond blessed he takes care of me and puts up with all my nonsense.

I had read the radiology report but frankly I might as well have been reading Chinese because it was a lot of big doctor words that I couldn't understand but I thought it sounded like things were good.

But I really needed him to tell me in plain English (with his beautiful Puerto Rican accent) that the scan didn't show cancer.

HeavenlyHeather waited with me until he had a free moment (the man is scheduled down to the second but somehow he manages to carve out some "unicorn madness time" for me) and kept me calm with fizzy water and hugs...

and then WonderfulKim the nurse came to get me and she was SMILING...and she said  he said "hurry up and go get her!"

So I walked in and there was that amazing man smiling broader than I have ever seen him smile and he was HAPPY

And let me tell you when one of your oncologists is happy...

well there is usually a damn good reason for it.

And I got the biggest happiest hug...and just looked at his handsome self beaming....

I plopped myself on the floor right next to him (so I would be closer to the ground in case I passed out from fear, joy, or excitement) and said "tell me what you see"

and he said:

I DON'T SEE ANY CANCER HERE

honestly I can tell you right now those are the most beautiful words in the world to hear...

I scrambled up to hug him again and hugged Kim and I am pretty sure I might have danced a little...

he warned me that this might not be permanent and that only time would tell what we had ahead of us but for that day at that moment

EL DIABLO WAS OUTTA THERE

So yeah...I am basically a unicorn because with the help of Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel we made El Diablo do a vanishing act.

In the words of Harry Potter:

EXPELIAMOUS!!!!!

I still wanted to wait until today to hear it again from Dr. Rockstar...

and she walked in the room laughing and saying "so you blew my surprise and scooped me by going downstairs and having him look at your scan!"

yeah...i ruined her surprise but frankly I needed to be able to sleep and so the only option was to take advantage of the fact that Dr Angel will put up with my nonsense and read scans for me.

So Dr. Rockstar was super happy.

Because I told her back in May that I was gonna beat El Diablo and that I was gonna make her famous for fixing me.

She told me today she would rather I be well than her be famous but I think we both are gonna get some kudos for vanquishing He Who Would Not be Vanquished...

so now I still have a bunch of chemo ahead of me...

and tomorrow I once again get to be a vampire and have to have transfusions (appropriate for the day before Halloween...I'm temped to dress as a vampiress....)

and I have to be closely watched...

but honestly right now I think I have this thing beat...I think I am gonna do what no one thought was possible...

I'm gonna be the one that gets to say "I beat cancer"...

Jesus said:

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20

I have faith greater than a mustard seed...and I said to that mountain "move" and that mountain MOVED...

I've had moments where my faith has been shaken (but not stirred...) and I have fallen on my knees and begged God for mercy and His love and to carry me because I could not walk...

In the past two years I have endured chemotherapy, radiation, hernia surgery, a damaged spine and surgery to repair...

I have had moments where I was so weary of what I was enduring that I literally felt as if I could not be tested or pushed any more...

but because of faith and prayers from all of you I managed to get up and keep going...

I've had pain and gotten through it...

I've had moments where I have felt so alone that it felt like I was cloaked in darkness....but I kept looking for the light...

Because when God gives you a test...a test you can't study for...you sharpen your pencil and get out your calculator and you TAKE THAT DAMN TEST and just do it...

Because God knows you can handle it and so you take that test and ACE it...

Life is never easy...

I've had 2 years of not easy.

I've had 2 years of facing hell and I have had moments where I was afraid I might die.

I've had time where I mourned that I didn't have someone to love me through the hard parts...when I was crying myself to sleep and needed arms to hold me...

I've had moments where it has felt so damn unfair that I had to do all of this...

And I have cried out to God "why me?"

But through it all I have had the love and support of my kids...my Aunt Jane and my family....my students and the teachers and staff at school...and all of you...

I know that I may not have a man to love and hold me when times are hard but I feel all of you surrounding me and keeping me filled with hope and love.

I've had 2 years of facing death...but I prefer to think of it as reaffirming my LIFE.

My priorities with some things are different now.

I say "yes" more...

I seek to explore, relate, expand...

I don't want to miss out on anything...

I want my life to be filled with rainbows and glitter and I'm not ashamed of it.

Because I have survived for 2 years and I plan to survive for so many more.

God asked me to be a warrior.

So I put on armor.

God asked me to be brave.

So I smiled when I was scared.

God asked me to endure so much pain.

So I powered through.

God asked me to walk a path of broken glass and fire.

So I put on my sequin shoes and I RAN ON THAT DAMN PATH.

God asked me to move forward when I couldn't see where I was going.

So I found a light inside myself and used it to see my way.

God asked me to give up some things.

So I gave them up...so I could make space for other things.

God asked me to climb a mountain.

So I found Everest and started climbing.

God asked me to do more than I ever imagined I could.

So I said "yeah...let's do this"

God asked me to have faith.

And I did.

Life does not always go as planned.

But I am going to make plans.

Because I can't sit around and wait for more bad things to happen.

Because I have faith that THIS TIME I'm going to be well.

Doctors can't ever say "you have won" because no one but God knows if we have.

But for now...for now...

A Rockstar and an Angel have told their Unicorn that she can dance.

And so I am dancing...

to the words of Pink:

IF GOD IS A DJ
LIFE IS A DANCEFLOOR
LOVE IS THE RHYTHM
AND YOU ARE THE MUSIC

IF GOD IS A DJ
LIFE IS A DANCEFLOOR
YOU GET WHAT YOU'RE GIVEN
IT'S ALL HOW YOU USE IT

And God wants you to shake your ass...

Get on the dancefloor people...we have some shaking to do...

Inspiration Song: "God is a DJ" by Pink...because life is a dancefloor and I'm going to dance...and the DJ is pretty incredible...

Bye darlings....more soon I promise...but for now...get on the dancefloor and let love be the rhythm...and I love you all...