I'm just a blogging little fool these days...I think it is because I need a lot of self therapy so here we go...
I FINALLY got back on my yoga mat tonight.
It's been 10 long weeks without yoga.
I didn't realize just how very much I missed it until I did my first downward dog and it all came rushing back like a warm hug in that very warm room.
For me yoga is not just exercise for my body. It is also a workout for my soul. I do a lot of working shit out on that mat.
Speaking of my mat---my poor beautiful pink mat has been neglected for so long that it refused to open up...it kept wanting to curl back up.
Dear Beautiful yoga mat:
I will not leave you unattended for so long again...I love you and you are home to me. You have been soaked in sweat and tears and you never fail me. I promise to treat you better and at least open you up to breathe next time I have to take an extended break.
The Girl Who Said She Would Never Love Yoga or Own a Yoga Mat
So earlier today I stepped on a long stainless steel object with a very sharp point today. Picture a very long tack with a rather large (in diameter) spike...
it hurt a lot
it went right into the arch of my foot
I'm gonna stop now because right now I know all of you are mentally feeling it...and you are cringing
the reason I mention it is because of stepping on said tack (when I dropped it I KNEW my foot would find it before my eyes did---yup my right foot found it) I was unable to spin tonight so I knew it was the universe telling me to do yoga.
My beloved friend who was supposed to teach messaged me she had the flu so I had no idea who would be leading the flow...
to my delight and utter surprise it was my darling JohnJohn...
thank you universe...this was meant to be...
JohnJohn became an instructor while I was on doctor ordered banishment from yoga so I have been waiting to take his class and the stars aligned...
After hugs and kisses I settled on my mat and child's pose was...ouch...
so I modified...
but class, and I, flowed on and by the time we hit savassanah I was back in my yoga bliss...
As class started JohnJohn asked our intention for the year and also said "what is your word for this year?" and went on to explain that it had taken him a bit to find his word.
Mine popped into my head.
2016 was HEALTH (I started the year wanting to figure out why I felt so crappy...it took until October to know why...)
2017 was SURVIVE
so as soon as JohnJohn said it I knew...
Because I want to approach this year and find so much love...
not just romantic love (but yes that is very important)
love for others
love for those I struggle to love
love for things I do not love
love for things that make me want to run away
love for things that scare me
love for the sake of just being more loving
Now I KNOW I will not find a love for kale or heights or cockroaches...those are firmly and forever in the "hate" column...
But I might find a love for things that I don't think I enjoy...or things I like but won't commit to...
I think the love for others is easy for me...I am a woman who loves quickly, deeply, fiercely and easily.
But there are some I struggle to love and maybe what I can find for those people is not so much a "love" love but more of a tolerance and mindfulness to be more generous with myself or my feelings toward them.
(sorry...that will NOT extend to the current resident of the White House...he's right there with cockroaches and kale with me...)
I think sometimes we can show love to those we don't necessarily love...by being kinder or more thoughtful or less judgemental.
There are certain people who just push the "drive Anice cray cray" button...those are the ones that I need to find a love for. I don't have to love them per se...just maybe not let myself be affected by their actions.
In Matthew 5:44 the Bible says:
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who speak evil about you, and persecute you
I need to work on that...
yup...that's one I have got to put some time into...
That takes work...
and it is super duper hard to love someone who has wronged you...or said nasty things to or about you...
and there are people like that I will never love but maybe, just maybe---I can find a way to dislike them less and I can love them by praying for them to be happy and well (even that person in the White House)
as for kale and cockroaches---I don't think Jesus means that I have to love them...
(I do plan to ask God (a LONG LONG LONG time from now when I get to heaven) why He made cockroaches. I'm sure He has a reasonable explanation and I'd like to hear it...)
Now the one I might have the hardest time with is not romantic love but rather the self love.
Oh I definitely absolutely for sure want a nice man to love and to enjoy wine and movies with and to cook for and to sit on the couch and talk to and to travel with...
I want that so much...
I am sick and tired of being alone and you people are sick and tired of me whining about it...
I don't know how I will find that man---whether he drives a big ass truck or not...but he WILL know I like lilies and that he has to kill bugs for me. I know he is out there. He's waiting for me like I am waiting for him. We just need to find each other...I need to find him before it warms up and the bugs come out again...
But I'll be damned if next January 2 I am blogging about being alone for another damn year...
Nope...THIS is the year I get to remember what it feels like to have a man tell me I am special and pretty...I went through 24 years of marriage of NOT hearing that very much so I have to reach waaaaaaay back in my memory bank to remember that but I do know that I liked it.
So hey---you---you man that God intends for me: COME FIND ME NOW
I'M READY AND HOPEFULLY NOT DYING ANYMORE
So yes, that part of love is a challenge...but self love---that one is a bitch to overcome.
I like myself just fine in many ways.
But I am hypercritical of myself in many ways.
I often see the flaws before the good parts...
and when I get down the flaws are magnified.
I'm the kind of girl who needs to work on taking a compliment.
you see---when you say something nice to me about myself I often find myself saying "thank you BUT" instead of just saying "thank you" and leaving it at that.
Many of us do that.
When someone compliments my appearance I often say "thank you but I wish my hair/dress/legs/makeup/body was not...(insert critical word here)
I need to just say thank you.
Like I do when someone tells me I have cute boots on...
(and maybe to that I need to stop saying how cheap they were...)
I need to accept a compliment and take it in and really ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT. And by accept I don't just mean say "thank you" but take in what the person said and feel good about it.
I also need to not look in the mirror and see all the wrong or messed up things...and focus on what is good or I feel happy with. And maybe, like the Bible says about loving my enemies, I can find a way to like my flaws even if I don't love them.
I need to also find a way to love myself more by putting myself first sometimes.
Oh that one is hard for me...so often I say "yes" to things that stress me out or make me rearrange my life or make me give up something I wanted to do for myself because I feel I need to give to others or be there for someone else.
Last year I had no choice but to put myself first.
I was trying to live.
But sometimes I still did things that weren't necessarily in my own best interest.
And sometimes I don't just love myself enough to say "I can't"
love myself enough to say "I deserve this"
I often don't think I deserve to treat or spoil myself (unless it is a Southwells Hamburger and then hell yes I am on board with treating myself).
I think a good example is me and avocados.
(yes, here we go again with avocados...)
I used to not buy avocados.
Because they are expensive.
So I didn't feel like I deserved avocados.
Because they cost almost $2 sometimes.
But I can usually stretch one large $2 avocado into several breakfasts or meals for myself.
One day, not long after I split from the ex, I was in HEB and there were some beautiful avocados.
I got ready to pass them by but then I thought:"I could really go for an avocado tonight"
But I looked at the price and got ready to push the cart by them and then I decided to grab one.
If I could waste stupid money on fast food why wasn't I worth spending $2 on something that was actually GOOD FOR ME.
yes, it was pricey but at least it was $2 well spent
(as long as I ate the avocado when it was ripe...they are tricky little suckers)
So from then on I decided to buy myself avocados at times other than having a party or guest...I deserved the avocado
(that same logic does not apply to me and Starbucks...I don't get Starbucks...$6 coffee is something I can't enjoy but I can enjoy $12 wine...go figure)
The point of all of this and the avocado is that I need to feel I am worthy of treating myself to things that are good for me or make me feel good...
I don't need to go hog wild but the occasional massage or new purse isn't going to bankrupt or kill me.
I've tried to be better about it...I spent years not paying attention to my hair and then when I almost lost it I realized how dear it is to me. So now I have an incredible hairdresser who makes my hair look amazing and it's worth it to me to pay him to do so.
And I have bought some new clothes (and boots...) because I have lost weight but I also feel just as good about getting into something I already have in my closet because I loved that dress or skirt or top enough to have held onto it.
So I am working on ME...and LOVING me...
and not just loving myself enough to save my life but to actually LIVE my life...
and to LOVE MY LIFE
I give lovely freely to so many but the person I am most stingy with is myself.
But like the avocado...and I deserve the avocado...I also deserve my own love.
Love isn't just about romance...love is giving of ourselves to someone...and sometimes that someone needs to be ourself.
I want to spend this year spreading and sharing as much love as I can.
And I want all of you to help me do it.
So as sweet beautiful JohnJohn said: find your word.
My word is love.
Let's spread love nice and thick and spilling out everywhere.
Let there be an abundance of love.
Let there be so much love that there is an excess of it.
And let's all soak up as much of it as we can.
And let's all love ourselves a little more...even if it just means you buy yourself an avocado.
Inspiration Song: "Let There Be Love" by Christina Aguilera (spin teachers take note: I LOVE to spin to this song it is literally maybe my favorite sprint song ever). It's not necessarily about the kind of love I am talking about here but I love the song...
Bye Darlings...what is your word? Find your word! And if it is LOVE let this year be one that LOVE is what you do...let there be love...