Monday, August 26, 2019

I Never Knew Love Like This Before

Hello Darlings...I had a scan the other day and then saw Dr. Rockstar today. I'll get to the results of the scan and what she said in a bit---yes, I am going to make you patiently wait and read all the garbage that is in my head before I tell you what is going on with El make yourself comfy and buckle up...

A few weeks ago when I was low I posted something on social media saying I was struggling really badly after chemo.

And you people came through for sent me messages of love and support, you wrote comments that made me feel loved and stronger...the people in my life showed up for me and for that I am so grateful.

No warrior can go to battle alone---you can't fight all the giants without others to fight along with you and I'm so blessed to have friends and family who show up with their swords and pikes and fight along with me by keeping me safe and strong with their loved.

You have to have people who SHOW UP FOR YOU.

And you people show up in a big big way!

I can't thank you enough---because it is very easy for me to feel alone since I live alone, my kids are elsewhere, I don't have a man in my life and all I have is 3 cats to talk to and they are very sassy and unhelpful because they only want to be fed and petted.

I know I whine a lot about being alone and without love in my life.

I do truly feel the love you all give me and the support.

And as a dear old friend wonderfully pointed our the true loves of my life are my kids.

But I do get lonely...and many who tell me to "look at all the love you get from friends" have a spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, or are happy to NOT have a partner.

It's not the same.

And fearing that I might die without every knowing what real love feels like is a real fear that many of you can't relate to because you have love in your lives AND you aren't fighting an incurable disease.

So you only get to judge my struggle if you are single AND fighting to live.

So that's maybe 2% of you...cause most of you have somebody or you are not actively in a cancer battle...

for those of you in the same boat as me YOU GET IT...

Otherwise---set your judgement of me aside and think for a moment how it would feel for you to be told "you have stage 4 cancer" and NOT have the person you love at your side.

for 8 years now I have been relationship that lasted about 6 months when I was first divorced and then nothing...


Not one...

So PLEASE stop telling me that I have the love and support of all of my friends and that that should be enough.

Because it's not...

I do not want to die without being in love just once before I draw my last breath.

My first marriage was not a loving supportive healthy one...I got two great kids out of it but not a relationship with their father that was a good one.

I was so ready to invite in love and then I got sick.

So I have been in this battle without love or someone to say "it's ok" when I am crying in the middle of the night from pain or fright...the cats could care less if I am crying as long as I don't roll over onto one of them...otherwise...pffffft....I do get some rather good side eye from Angel but she's sassy like that.

So I'm alone and right now I'm not sure if that is EVER going to change but I hope it will.

Because I am fighting to live and I would really like to not spend so many nights alone in my chair...watching Bachelor in Paradise (and maybe we should dissect exactly why I am wasting 4 hours a week on that show...)

I've been blessed beyond belief to have my Aunt Jane and some other sweet friends who have been there for me when I have had surgery or chemo...I could have not handled all of this without them.

And I could not have made it this far without the love and support and faith of all of you who are part of #teamunicorn

honestly I could not do it.

From the beginning, when I knew there was something wrong inside my body, I never imagined ever ever ever that I was going to hear the words "you have uterine cancer".

But I did.

And then I did the only thing I could...I fought...

I got my diagnosis and about 10 days later I was in surgery having all of my female organs cut out of me.

All of them.

But the cancer had spread and these damn lymph nodes in my pelvis (and later in my neck) had cancer but could not be removed because they are too close to the aorta.

And I like my aorta.

And there isn't a surgeon out there who wants to try to remove them.

They seem to have an aversion to operating on a patient who might bleed out on the table if you accidentally nick her with a scalpel.

So those lymph nodes have been absolute jackasses of lymph nodes and have caused all sorts of trouble and despite giving me enough radiation where I should basically glow in the dark and enough poison to take down a dozen horses they still have cancer in them.

So every other week---until science can find a new drug that kills my form of cancer---I get poisoned just so it won't grow.

If I look at Dr. Google I see that I don't have much of a shot at being here in a few years and I probably shouldn't buy a new car because I might not get to drive it very long.

That's what Google says.

I say "not today El Diablo".

Because you know what I have that Google doesn't know about?

My faith and the faith of all of you.

I have #teamunicorn  to pray for me and pick me up when I am crawling on the ground and can't go on.

So I pray...and every time I do the first thing I do is thank God. And then I tell him to please use me to teach my doctors how to save other women. Because I want to be an instrument of change and wellness.

And then I do every damn thing I can to make my body a healthy machine so I can fight this stuff.

I recently found a wellness program called the FASTer Way to Fat Loss. I've lost some weight but more importantly my blood pressure is down and I finally don't feel like crap 28 days out of 30 each month. I won't go into it here but message me if you want to know more because one of the main components of it is intermittent fasting and Dr. Rockstar thinks it is a good idea for me. There is some evidence it might help my body get stronger to fight this damn stuff.

I've had so many people tell me "but you don't look sick" or "I can't believe you have Stage 4 cancer because you look so good"...or they think because I can climb on a spin bike I'm not that sick...

Trust me...I have Stage 4 incurable cancer.

It hasn't gone away.

I have it...I just have hair and I'm fat so I don't look sick.

But I'm just as sick or maybe sicker than those women you see with no hair or who are bone thin.

Skinny and bald are not the only signs of illness.

Trust me I'd love to have lost weight through all of this but the combination of menopause + steroids = fat me.

And I also take it as a great compliment when people say it...because I know they say it because they are used to seeing cancer patients in a different light. And when I am in the Cancer Center and I see so many people who are so much sicker than me I see why they say that.

But I decided from the start that I wasn't doing this cancer stuff in the way that other do...I was going to do it my way. And I'm blessed that i found an oncologist who is so on board with that that she lets me do all the crazy things I want to do.

Today I was in the chemo chair at 3:30.

And then I was on a spin bike at 5:30.

Because I am a badass. (and because I desperately missed my spin instructor the Marvelous Mel---perhaps I have mentioned her about 3467 times...)

And I got on that bike to prove that I can't let cancer stop me from doing anything unless I let it.

My spine on the other hand has its own ideas and it can manage to stop my world...and lately it's been acting up because it thinks El Diablo has gotten too much of my time and energy and it wants to get in and act like one of the bad guys.

sciatica---so much fun....but let's hope it's just that and not another bad disk because frankly I don't have time to deal with more spinal surgery...

God gives us all challenges.

And it's in how we meet them that define us.

There are some challenges that seem like the end of the world until we are faced with a mountain and we had only been looking at hills.

I spent my life with a smooth flat road, the occasional bump, and a few hills.

And then God asked me to climb Everest.

And He said "you can do it"

So I got me some sherpas (my docs and nurses) and gathered all the things to climb and got myself to base camp and literally almost fell apart.

Because base camp was surgery and then chemo.

And you can't get to the next higher camp unless you can acclimate to base camp. You have to survive base camp first.

So I got to the next base camp and had a few more things thrown at me (25 rounds of pelvic radiation, 3 brachy treatments, 30 more rounds of radiation). But I got through it and acclimated. All was well...let's move on to the next camp...

And then I had hernia surgery...and spinal fusion surgery...and the cancer got active again and I had to have chemo again. Surgeries I can get over---you have them, there is pain and then you are done. The chemo going on and on and on and on...that's the hard part.

I felt like crawling back to base camp but i was halfway up the mountain.

And those are those moments when you ask yourself: do I go up or do I go down.

And I had to keep climbing...

and so now I'm still climbing...I think the top is up there somewhere beyond the clouds I just can't see it yet but I know its there.

And for me the top might not ever be that I am declared "No Evidence of Disease" might just be that it is managed and I survive for more time.

(And maybe in a year or so I will buy the new car but hey Beyonce the 4 runner is fine so maybe I'll paint my house instead)

But the point being that running back down the mountain would be easy and I need to do hard things so I can get to the summit.

Because up there is a view I haven't seen and I think I need to see what it looks like from the top.

(and no, I will never ever ever climb Everest for real because I hate the cold and heights and sleeping bags and I like hotels)

Life makes us climb places we don't always want to go.

I don't know why God has allowed me to have this disease.

Please note I said "allowed"...

not "given"

not "punished"

but "allowed".

But I know He did because I am going to teach my doctors things about how to treat UPSC and how a cancer patient can do the things we don't think cancer patients can do. And how I can inspire others who are on a cancer journey or just struggling to keep going.

To keep climbing...

To look for the summit and claw your way there if you have to.

So now that I have gotten the stuff that's in my head out here's the part you have been waiting for...


First---CT scans are super fun


But I got to meet up with my imaging buddies Rod and Debbie and I drank the magic potion (barium) and had the iv and we took some images.

And then I went and had a massage and had dinner with Kute Karen 2 who knew I needed a good dose of Flower Child and laughs.

And then the next day as I obsessively checked my portal Sweet Suzanne took me to lunch and I got more laughs and love and began to breathe.

And then I went and did a double yoga class with Heavenly Skye and right after I got into my car I checked the portal again and ran in to hug her...

because as far as my limited medical knowledge was that scan was damn pretty.

So I kept busy and had some more girl time with Vibrant Vicki, Kute Kaelyn and Marvelous Melonie and some excellent wine from CabeRene and a delicious dinner at George's Pastaria that reminded me that I don't get to eat there often enough...(if I sound like a commercial it is because it is---you people should eat there).

And yesterday I flowed with the Marvelous Madonna and had my sweet Divine Deanna next to me and breathing came with a sense of power and strength...just like the yoga class.

But I wanted to wait until today when I saw Dr Rockstar to hear her thoughts on what I thought looked like the kind of scan she might want to put on her refrigerator along with pictures her twins made.

And it turns out that yes, she is damn proud of that scan might just be on her fridge with a magnet...

because those 5 pesky lymph nodes?

they are finally BEHAVING

two have decided to become stable (they aren't NED (no evidence of disease) but they decided not to grow at all). The other 3 grew so slightly she is not even sure there was any real growth but it could have just been the way I was laying on the table or it was measured.

No other metastasis...

there is a kidney stone but we can talk about that later.

What does this mean?

This means despite being down a drug (no more cisplatin) that my body is fighting and holding its own.

I'm not NED...I'm not cured...I still have to have chemo...

but at least for now the cancer seems to be stable and behaving.

Like a dog in it's might want to get out and run amok but for now it's not actively growing and causing trouble and knocking over things and stealing food...

I'll have chemo every 2 weeks still...

and I'm going to keep on my FASTer Way plan because my blood pressure is lower than it has been since I was diagnosed (I'm hoping to go off the diuretic) and I feel GREAT and I am convinced this plan has something to do with it. (like I said message me to learn more)

I have a happy oncologist...and she hasn't talked to Dr. Angel yet but she's pretty convinced he will be happy when he sees it too...

We did a lot of hugging and crying and laughing today...Dr. Sweetmeds was super happy and she is the one who doses out the poison so I know she is proud that it's working for me.

The biggest thing I have in my corner is my faith in God and the support of all of you.

I could not do this without you.

I can't do it alone and I am so grateful to have all of you to lift me up and do all the the loving things you do to make me feel better and to continue to fight.

When life makes you climb the mountain it's really good to have some people to climb it with you.

I don't have that loving partner in my life...but I do have all of you people and that's more than a lot of people can say.

And who knows...maybe a gambling sort of man will take a chance on a crazy blonde and be willing to climb Everest too...

Thank you all for making me feel so loved and people show up deep and strong...and some of you are literally friends who are family to me (too many to name but you peeps know exactly who you are) and I am beyond blessed.

#teamunicorn hit a homerun today---we haven't won the game yet but to me this is a loaded bases homerun...

Love is not just between 2 people.

Love is what you put out in the world with no expectations of getting it back but you show up for others and you do good.

Love is supporting someone when they are so low the can't get up so you carry them.

Love is taking a moment to pray for someone.

Love is easy to give and hard to get....

But love can be found all around you...and you people have surrounded me with so much of it I don't feel I deserve it but I will take it (just like a free dessert at a restaurant). And like that free dessert (which I will eat) I will take what is given to me.

I love you go hit your knees and thank God for what he has done in your life and mine...

Inspiration Song: I Never Knew Love Like This Before by Stephanie Mills....because honestly I never knew so much love until all of you showed it to me and I am especially feeling God's love and I never have felt it more strongly. And because this season on the amazing show Pose (you should be watching) they featured this song in the most incredible way.


I never knew love like this before
Now I'm lonely never more
Since you came into my life
You are my love light, this I know
And I'll never let you go
You my all, you're part of me
Once I was lost and now I'm found
Then you turned my world around
When I need you, I call your name
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
Opened my eyes
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
What a surprise
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
This feeling's so deep inside of me
Such a tender fantasy
You're the one I'm living for
You are my sunlight and my rain
And time could never change
What we share forever more, ooh
I never knew love like this before
Now I'm lonely never more
Since you came into my life
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
Opened my eyes
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
What a surprise
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
You are my love light, this I know
And I'll never let you go
You my all, you're part of me
Once I was lost and now I'm found
Then you turned my world around
When I need you, I call your name
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
Opened my eyes
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
What a surprise
â??Cause I never knew love like this before
Inside of me
I never (Never) knew love like this before
Opened my eyes
Never (Never), never (Never)
Never knew love like this (I never knew, I never knew I never)
Never (Never), never (Never)
Never knew love like this (I never knew, I never knew I never knew)
Never (Never), never (Never)
Never knew love like this (I never knew)
Never (Never knew), never (Never)
Never knew love like this (I never knew)
Never (Never knew), never (Never)
Never knew love like this (I never knew, I never knew I never knew)
Never (I never knew, I never knew), never (I never)
Never knew love like this (Never knew)
Never (Never knew), never (Never)
Never knew love like this (Opened my eyes)
Never (What a surprise)

Bye Darlings---I never knew love like this before...from God and from you!!!!

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Breathe (2 AM)

Hello Darlings...

Here's an update on me and then we will get to my musings...last time I had chemo it went smoothly but it still hits me hard emotionally each day when I get hooked up to the poison....

It has taken me a while to write this blog...I have started and stopped it any times...I have deleted things and even changed the scope of it. Sometimes my blogs literally write themselves with the words pouring out from my fingers but this time I struggled. And then the other day I realized that I was forcing my writing and not letting it be organic. So here, after months of not writing, is what my heart has unfolded...

Back in April (the day after Easter) I was having chemo as usual except it wasn't chemo as usual---I had an allergic reaction to the chemo drug cisplatin.

I thought it was the kale I was eating.

I honestly want to be allergic to kale because I think it is vile and the only place it belongs is on a salad bar---as the filler to decorate between the bowls.

I was eating lunch and Aunt Jane had looked down to read something and I felt my throat closing up (yup I was eating kale---because I stupidly got the wrong thing to eat...) and my face started to burn.

Sure enough I was having an allergic reaction...

I'll spare you all the details but I will say that if you are ever going into anaphylactic shock you will think you are crazy or having a stroke.

I felt like both...

my nurse pumped me full of steroids and my doctors came running...I couldn't talk (one of the fun things that happened...imagine me---not able to talk!).

Once the steroids did their job I looked at Dr. Rockstar and said:

I'll do anything for your attention!

She gently reminded me that there are better ways to get to see walking down the hall...

I told her it was kale but she vetoed that idea and said it was the cisplatin.

She's always vetoing my ideas---like when I wanted her to also be a plastic surgeon when she did my hysterectomy...or my trying a crazy diet that had a lot of supplements that would have been bad for me...or when I want to have Botox in the middle of a chemo round...or my not wanting to take a pill 3 times a day.

But hey she has all those fancy medical degrees and I put feathers and sequins on people so we will roll with what she says...

And I'll also mention that if your throat is closing up and you are red with the hives it is NOT the time to get up and go to the bathroom (I got fussed at for that).

So the next chemo 3 weeks later I got to load up on steroids and Benadryl the day before (making me tired yet wired) and I got two nurses to myself. The plan was to give me a tiny amount of cisplatin in the first infusion and then give me another bag with more of the drug and then another bag with a higher dilution until they reached my usual level. Dr. Sweetmeds called it a "step up" to see if I could tolerate the drug at all.

Because I kinda sorta maybe probably need the cisplatin.

JayVee was playing wingman that time and she got to experience what I must be like if I was 3 margaritas drunk because they loaded me with Adavan. My nurse pushed it in my port and it hit me like a good night at Club No Minor (an infamous TexMex place with margaritas so strong that you hurt for days if you drink 2).

Apparently I was all kinds of goofy but I can't remember it...and I'm sure JayVee and my nurses were wanting me to just go to sleep and stop being a clown...

Once it appeared I was in the clear (with the last bag with the full strength dilution) I sent JayVee home (because she had hella traffic to face) and I thought I might nap.

But nope...

the cisplatin was not done with me.

20 minutes in to the last bag I started turning red and feeling the itching and yelped for my nurses who had stepped away for a moment (I'm sure to have a much needed break from a woman who was claiming to really be a unicorn...they are used to my nonsense but that day it was nonsense on steroids---literally).

Again chaos ensued, steroids were loaded into me and Dr. Sweetmeds declared that all platinum based chemo drugs are now off the table.


As a result of all this nonsense I gained 10 pounds thanks to all the steroids and I'm terrified that without that drug the cancer will grow.  I am, however, blessed that my nurses were quick and I avoided having to be intubated and hospitalized because at the very moment I felt it coming on I screamed for help.

And that time I didn't eat kale so I guess I am not allergic...but I still think it tastes like dirt and I refuse to eat it....

Dr. Rockstar is optimistic that Gemcitibine alone will keep the cancer from growing and will keep my cancer stable (it won't go away but hopefully won't grow) and now I have to go back to chemo every other week.

It won't cure me but it might give me time...

The good news is that maybe my kidneys won't be damaged (cisplatin can do that) and maybe my neuropathy will improve since I am off it (the tingling and numbness in my fingers and feet is relentless). And with only one drug to infuse each time I am in and out of the cancer center in far less time so that is a plus. And my bone marrow is not being stressed quite as much so maybe my white count will finally get into a normal level.

I have to find some sweet in the bitter with all of this...I can't just let myself be terrified of the bad stuff because that is giving in to El Diablo.

So it's been a crazy few months with the chemo and now I will soon have a scan because we have to see if the Gemcitibine will keep the cancer from growing further.

And now that I have updated you and because I need a therapy session, you get to get inside of my head...

I recently found a meme on social media that said:

"Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are living"


that is my life...

I always figured that by the time my kids were grown and off to school or on their own I would have a life with the man I loved and we would travel and do hobbies...

But I left the man I was married to because we no longer loved each other in a way that was healthy for us to stay together.

And after my divorce I figured I'd be alone a year or so and then maybe I would find another man to love and I'd have a great life with him.

Basically I imagined that some form of a man who was a combo of Dave Grohl and Bradley Cooper would come along and sweep me off my feet and take me to Italy where my body would suddenly morph into that of one of my spin instructors and I could eat all the pasta I wanted...


Instead I got cancer.

Stage 4 incurable cancer.

There is no man.

And I have cancer.

I've spent enough years alone to know and love myself pretty well so before I was diagnosed I was more than ready to meet someone and get to know what it feels like to be loved.

But that is not the path I am on.

Recently I was driving a dear friend home after spin class and we were discussing life's struggles and how we manage.

As we were driving down a street I noticed that the sidewalk in front of a building we were passing meandered and jogged about and was not a straight path because of trees planted along the street.

There was no way to walk on that sidewalk without having to move left and right---you can't go straight.

I told her that life was like that sidewalk---it's not a straight path but rather one that makes us go different directions to get to the end. We have to move a little right and left to get where we are going.

The path I am on has twisted and turned so much I sometimes forget to move forward because I am too busy moving only right or left to stay on the path.

But it is a path I must go on and I can't change it.

I'd prefer not to have cancer but the truth is I do and nothing will change it.

So I have to face it but the only way to win with it is to not give in to it and to breathe and live.

And find joy in what it is teaching me and bringing me.

I have found joy in simple things now...and much more joy in sharing love and happiness (and food) and truly finding my love for yoga and spin.

There are days I don't want to exercise...but then I think of what a privilege it is that my body still works well enough for me to get on a spin bike or a yoga mat and move.

I could be so sick that I can't do much so I do what I can. And I have learned these past few years that having the ability to move and exercise is something that not everyone in my position can do (my doctors are baffled at my insistence to do yoga and spin but they have given in to my demands that I get to and have discovered that I am better physically and emotionally and mentally because of it).

I've had surgeries that have kept me from being able to exercise---a hysterectomy with a 10 inch vertical incision, a hernia so large it was like a 3rd breast and that needed fixing, and a spinal fusion surgery that was so painful I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

My knees are bone on bone and I need a replacement but I can't stop the chemo long enough to do so (because my body won't heal properly if I am on chemo and I am an infection risk).

and I have sciatica that now makes me feel like I am a grumbly 80 year old man...

But even with my bad knees and bad back I can get on a bike and ride to a beat or I can push my body into a yoga pose and stretch and move with wobbly grace.

There might come a day when I can't do that.

So for now, bad knees and all, I will choose to move.

And I find great joy in it.

Recently I hit the mat and my beautiful yoga instructor, the Heavenly Skye, helped me see that it was more important what I CAN do than what I can' I flowed with delight in what I could do and found forgiveness in myself for not doing what I could 2 years (or even a year) ago.

I don't ever need to be able to do Bird of Paradise pose but I do love every wobbly second of stretching into Half Moon and feeling like I am dancing...

I can move...and THAT is what I should be grateful for!

So many times during yoga I find myself in down dog and while I am worrying how my feet need a pedicure I also find my breath and take in the fact that I am there...on my mat...and I am alive...and I probably need a pedicure...

But here I sit whining on my blog about all the bad stuff...but it won't fix my knees, or being alone, or the pain in my hip (back), or cure my cancer...

Because whining never solved anything and me telling you all the things that are currently wrong me doesn't change it.

I can choose to wallow in it or I can choose to stand up and keep fighting.

I struggled recently after one of my chemo infusions feeling like all the "fight" had gone out of me and I just wanted to stay in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself.

I had a full on pity party for myself complete with ticker tape parade and balloons and snow was gloriously pitiful and I wallowed in it for a few days...I really had the "God you can throw rocks at me but stop with the boulders" mentality...

And while I was battling this depressed state this warrior wanted to lay down her sword and just give in to all the pain and the problems and I felt like I had no real life...just an existence...

But then I realized that I never want to give up and give in.

So I picked up my sword again (after a lot of love and support on social media from many of you) and I cleaned up after the pity party and forged ahead on my path.

Giving up the fight only lets El Diablo win and I fully believe I have a life to live if only science can catch up to me and some attention can be given to my kind of cancer---to help me and the other beautiful women who have UPSC and other cancers (especially gyno cancers).

I have to believe that a cure is possible..and if not a cure a way to contain this cancer so that I can go on living without having to risk my bone marrow and neuropathy.

I have to keep my body strong enough to handle all the poison thrown into me and to be healthy enough to fight off all the opportunistic infections I seem to get due to low immunity.

I can't change what has happened to me...

I have cancer and nothing can or will change it.

So I need to just slow down and breathe and stay as positive as I can.

I try to be happy and positive...I try to not complain about all that is wrong with me all of the time but rather reflect all the things that are RIGHT with me.

But sometimes, like I did a few weeks ago, I have some dark days...

And darkness can swallow you up if you don't start looking for the light---even if the light is from a firefly and not from a lighthouse...

And some days I am a firefly and my light shines sweetly and softly and other days I am a big shiny bright lighthouse with a giant bulb that reaches out into the fog and guides others to safety.

And some days I am just dark...but thankfully those days are few.

Life puts us on a path---it winds and's dark and light...there is sunshine and tunnels and moments we lift high like balloons and moments we feel we are buried with our troubles, griefs, and bad things...

But we move forward...moving a little left and right when we need to...but in the end we get to our destination.

I'm not on the path I envisioned...

I envisioned one that was certainly straighter, smoother, better lit, with someone by my side...

But that's not my path...

the bumps have made me fall down...

the cracks have swallowed me up at times...

the turns have made me dizzy...

but I am still on the path...

I still go on...

and I am grateful for what this life is teaching me...even if the lessons are so so very hard.

So my friends there you are...this is what has happened in cancer world...and this is why I have struggled to find words to put here for you.

I am walking the path...and I am so lucky that along it I have all of you to join me for the walk...

the path is not straight but we can find our way if we just keep going...

and we breathe...

Inspiration Song: "Breathe 2AM" by Anna Nalick...a song I recently re-discovered and is now played often when I need to remind myself that things don't always go as we planned...the last part of the song hits very heavily with me and I truly feel her words are what I want to say...

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
Two AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa breathe, just breathe,

Bye Darlings....these words ARE my diary and I am grateful you read them...and yes sometimes I feel naked in front of the crowd as I put these words here...use them however you want to and remember to just breathe when the path makes you turn...