Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Thank U, Next

Hello Darlings...

Well here we are on the first day of 2019...

GOOD RIDDANCE TO 2018!!!!!

This was NOT my year...

I thought 2017 and 2016 were rough but 2018 took it to a new level.

I had so many high hopes going into 2018:

I was gonna vanquish El Diablo
I was gonna lose the rest of the weight I wanted to lose
I was gonna FINALLY meet a nice guy to love
I was going to enjoy my health
I was maybe going to get to travel or go somewhere fun

And then God said: HA!

I had 2 good months and then basically nothing but medical hell and stuff for the remaining 10 months.

January came and I had what looked like a good scan and I was rocking and rolling on the spin bike and the yoga mat. My blood levels were recovering and my white count was going up and my platelets were in normal range and my hemoglobin, although still low---was in normal range.

And let me tell you, you never think about hemoglobin until you don't have it...

For the first time in over a year my hemoglobin went up to 10 and even hit a high of 12. (To put things in perspective 12-16 is normal range for a woman, 10 is low for a cancer patient and I have been living at 8...I've been living at 8.2 or under since May)

So I had a few glorious months with enough oxygen in my blood to not make me feel like I was 90 years old all the time.

I felt GREAT!

And that's when God said Ha!

My cancer was NOT gone and I got the added fun of a shredded disk in my spine that was literally laying on a nerve.

(Pray you never know what that feels like...worst.pain.ever.)

So back to chemo I went and I got to have spinal surgery.

All before May.

The weight I wanted to lose was not to be thanks to the devil drug Decadron (I call it the everclear in the trash can punch) and instead of losing weight it started creeping back on.

I'm told the weight will come off once I stop chemo.

The problem is I can't stop chemo...

and therein lies the rub....

So El Diablo was back, I was gaining weight but at least my spine got fixed.

As for the man---never happened.

Not even a date.

Nope...last night now marks the 7th New Year's Eve that the only kiss I got to give was to...a cat.

I have friends who have been divorced less time than me who are already remarried or in a serious relationship.

Heck my ex is even remarried...but I am happy for him and honestly I left him so we could both find someone to love us as we deserved....he did and sadly I've spend all this time alone waiting for it to happen for me...

I even tried Bumble (at the urging of some friends) and that yielded nothing...

For some reason I have had to face these battles of mine without a second in command.

Yes, I have been truly blessed to have some amazing friends and my Aunt Jane to help me out. I could not have made it without them---because when you don't have a partner you don't have someone to drive you to the hospital...

or be the person the doctor talks to after surgery...

without a partner you can't take care of yourself when you are incapacitated...

without a partner you have to have a friend or family member care for you after surgery and that is a very humbling experience...

and without a partner when the bad dreams come or the nights you lay in bed wondering if you are going to live there is no one to dry your tears or hold you

(the cats suck at that...Dragon just flips his tail, Zulu whines and thinks I need to feed him, and Angel just looks at me like I am a fool)

It's so hard to be ill...

and it's really hard to be alone...

but it's super hard to be ill AND alone.

Most of my friends who have had to face illness or physical challenges have someone to love... a spouse or partner or boyfriend/girlfriend...

it's not the same to fight it alone

And many of my sweet well meaning friends tell me "be patient---once you have vanquished El Diablo you will have time for a relationship!".

well there are a few problems with that:

1) most of the ones who say it are in a relationship so they don't understand how hard it is to do this without a loving partner

and

2) El Diablo might not go away

I am always honest here and right now I am in a darkish place.

I'm weary of fighting and I am lonely...

I do not want to leave this world without knowing love again...I don't want to keep doing this alone.

I am beyond blessed to have my friends to help me but it's just not enough...

I want more...

I've even given up the thought of going to Italy---mostly because I know in my heart that I really only want to see it with someone I love romantically and not just with friends.

You see I want to watch a Tuscan sunset with the man I love or not at all...

And right now I am feeling like that will never ever happen.

I'm tired of putting on a happy face for all and saying "I'm ok"

because I'm not...

I'm lonely

I'm tired of trying to entertain myself with Netflix when what I really want is to have someone to come home to.

I'm tired of being alone

And when I am this tired I feel like just putting down my sword and shield and giving up.

Because I am just existing but I don't feel like I am LIVING.

I have spent all of this year fighting for my life.

And I'm fighting for my life each day but that fight might never end.

So saying once El Diablo is behind me I can find romance is like saying it will never happen.

Because the way El Diablo behaves I will pretty much be having to do some form of treatment to keep him at bay for the rest of whatever life I have.

He won't just disappear.

He just goes on vacay from time to time.

So waiting until I am well and healthy might mean that I never will get the chance to know love again because I might not ever BE well and healthy.

And on the flip side of it who really wants a woman with Stage 4 cancer?

So as I share this with you please know that I am trying to find the light...I'm trying to see beyond my own emotional pain that there is hope...I'm trying not to just be a whiny Bish that feels sorry for herself...but sometimes I do have to be a whiny bish who feels sorry for herself.

I try my best to put on a brave face and a smile when asked how I am.

I try my best to be strong and I try to make this all look easy.

I do a good job of hiding the ugly side of what I go through because if I was completely honest no one would want to be around me.

So I put on the brave face as often as I can and I try to be as strong as I possibly can.

But today as I face a new year I want to be honest.

I don't want to be alone 365 days from today.

I want someone to kiss at midnight.

I know I am a good woman.

I've spent 7 years getting reacquainted with myself.

I raised my kids and sent them off to school so the day-to-day mothering is done.

I know who I am as a person and I know what mistakes I have made in previous relationships.

I like myself (that's for all of you who say I need to love myself first...I do!)

But I'm not a good risk...El Diablo makes me pretty much unmarketable on the dating market.

But I still feel that out there is someone who will see that I am a magical unicorn and I am worth having to put up with a lot of glitter...

and cancer....

That maybe I am worth the risk.

I think I am...I just need to find someone who agrees.

I fight this fight mostly because I don't want to leave my kids motherless.

But there has to be more to life than what I do for them.

And in 2019 I aim to find it.

I'm not content to just watch Netflix alone.

I need a reason to come home at night....

so I start this year with 2 wishes:

1) that my disease gets under control
and
2) that I can find a man who is willing to take a chance on a girl like me

I have faith in God that both can and will happen.

God may have said Ha! but He has also taught me with all of this...

God has shaped me with my disease.

He has used it to refine me...

He has tempered me like chocolate...

He has burnished me by rubbing all the rough parts out

He has set me on fire to make me strong and shiny like fine china...

He has put me in the dark so that I can seek His light...

He has made me small so I can grow more...

He has weakened me so I can find my strength...

He has brought me to my knees so I can get back up...

He put me on a path I didn't want to be on and I found a way to run on it...

He asked me to trust when I had nothing to base the trust on...

He asked me to hold on when I felt like I could not possible do so for one more second...

He has taught me to seek Him first and not to lean upon my own understanding...

He has asked me to have faith when I have had none...

I know that God has given me my cancer as a gift...so that I can share my story with others to get more women to go to the doctor...to spread the word about cold capping to keep your hair...to show how faith and our bodies can be tested and yet we can still keep going.

God asked me to handle cancer and so I have...

He asked me to survive cancer surgery and I did...

He asked me to survive chemo and I did and still am...

He asked me to survive radiation and I did (and still did yoga)...

He asked me to go through the hell of a shredded spinal disk and the surgery to follow and I did (even though I cried and screamed a lot through it)

He asked me to get an infection so serious that it required hospitalization and not give in to it and I did...

He asked me to go through chemo every other week and I have...

He asked me to accept the blood of others when my body was so low and weak that I needed a transfusion and I did...

I've survived a lot (and yeah I am more than a little impressed with myself that little old me did all that because just ONE of those things is a lot to go through)

I started writing this blog tonight deeply depressed, wallowing in self pity and feeling so very alone.

And as I have written it I feel more hopeful and a little lighter.

Now I could go back and erase all the sad depressing stuff and get rid of the whining and make everything look shiny and pretty like some people's social media is.

But I'm not that girl.

My social media is full of me sweaty with no makeup.

I share the ugly with the pretty.

So I'm gonna post this "as is" with all the tears and frustration I am feeling being part of it.

There are days when the rainbow that this unicorn likes to be on is replaced with a storm cloud and today is one of those days.

I try to be positive and strong but some days I just have to be open and vulnerable and let you see the hard side of all of this.

Illness is a tough road to travel.

And it's harder to do when you don't have a navigator or wingman.

And before you judge me for my feelings put yourself in my shoes for a minute

and if you have a love or spouse or partner take a moment to be grateful you do and don't judge me for wanting what you have...

some people are content to live alone...I have never been that girl. I thrive on love and I miss having someone to fill that space in my heart for me.

When I am with my friends who are couples and I see the love they have I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't have that for myself.

But I have come to learn that other than the cancer there isn't really anything "wrong" with me.

I may not be everyone's cup of tea but out there is a man who will think I am.

and if I'm not his cup of tea maybe I am his martini...

I love deeply and generously...

so I know that man will be lucky to have me even if it means he has to watch children sing and dance on a stage and has to put up with a lot of unicorn decor...

I sparkle...I shine...I am a glittery silly object but I also know I am worth loving...

2018 wore me the hell out.

Jesus take the wheel and steer me toward a happier and healthier 2019...

I don't think it is so wrong to want to be loved...I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to share the ups and downs of life with someone who loves me...

and I'm sharing it with you because I need to talk this out and find my way back to a path that feels like there is some light there...right now it all feels very dark....

but I know that as long as I keep moving forward at some point I will see a pinpoint of light and things will get brighter.

If you have your health be grateful...

and if you have someone to love be grateful...

and if you have your health and someone to love be very grateful...

because there are some of us who are lonely...

and some of us who are struggling...

and some of us who are tired...

and it's hard to fight when you don't know what you are fighting for...

life---yes...but there has to be more to it than getting up, going to work, going to workout, coming home and cooking dinner and going to bed.

Because that is my every day.

That's all I do...except on chemo days where I get to sit in a chair and have poison poured into me.

I'd just like to do all of those mundane things with someone to kiss goodnight.

I'd like there to be someone who tells me "I love you" before I shut by eyes...

I'd like to have someone come spin or do yoga with me because it's my passion...

I'd like to have someone bring me flowers after a show and tell me I did a good job and he will see that those precious children are a lifeforce in me and watching them do what they do on the stage is what makes the blood pump in my body...

Don't worry---I will fight on...I will keep doing what the doctors say and I will keep climbing on the spin bike or on the yoga mat to keep myself healthy.

I'm going to costume Mary Poppins and it is going to look AMAZING...

I will keep living...as long as God lets me...

I want to live a long and happy life...

I want to see my senior years and be an old pest to my kids...

I want to see that Tuscan sunset with a man who thinks I'm prettier than the sunset...

I want to live a long time to enjoy the knee replacement I plan to get this spring and I want to give that new knee a workout while I travel and do things...

I want to look in the mirror and see a very wrinkled face look back at me...

I want to outlive my cats...

I won't give up my fight...

I just don't want to do it by myself anymore.

So my friends when you say your prayers I ask that you include me and pray for my health, for my emotional well being and for God to send me a man who understands that glitter is a color, that can appreciate a woman who feels so deeply she cries, that loves good cooking and that will sit through a high school musical.

I need some life to add to my living.

I need someone else to fight for...

I've found a way to be happy by myself but I am more than ready to not be alone anymore.

I have thoroughly learned who and what I am and I am ready to share...I've spent enough time getting to know and love myself.

I know that there is someone out there that is a gambler and he will roll the dice on me...

and if he's smart he will bet it all on me and be richly rewarded for it!

I'm just more than ready to find him...

thanks for listening...this has been a rough lonely hard year and I am so grateful to all of you who have travelled the road with me...and I am grateful that anyone has read this whiny blog.

The ground feels very uneven right now but I'm going to keep walking down the path until I find the smooth road that I know is ahead of me.

It's there---I can't see it but I have faith that it is just around the bend.

So to 2018:

thank you

NEXT

Inspiration Song: "Thank U, Next" by Ariana Grande...she's my girl...she gives me the soundtrack to many of my days. This song for her represents the growth she received from previous relationships...and for me it represents the growth I received this year with all I experienced...these lyrics speak to me:

I've got so much love (love)
Got so much patience (patience)
I've learned from the pain (pain)
I turned out amazing (turned out amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I'll say
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next

Bye darlings...I have a lot of hope that this year will bring good things to me---health and love and time with friends and family...I hope that this year brings all that you love and want for yourself!!!! Life can be hard but with faith we can ease the strife a bit...I appreciate your love and prayers more than you know...