Saturday, February 27, 2016

Miss Independent

Hello Darlings...

Sorry I have been away so long...I had to do my job and make children singing in a musical look amazing...and I think I did that but the best part was that they were a-may-zing!!!!!

So today is my "other" birthday...I am 5 years old.

So what do I mean by that?

Well it's really more of an anniversary but considering what it is an anniversary of I feel kind of bad calling it an "anniversary".

Because it is the 5th anniversary of the day I got up the courage to leave my husband...and became the "me" I always wanted to be...

so I call it my "birthday" instead of "anniversary" because it seems wrong to have an anniversary for an end of a marriage.

and because on February 27, 2011 I was born...

I want to be clear that my ex:
never hit me or our kids
never cheated on me (that I know of)
was not always nice to me (but I wasn't always nice to him) but not emotionally abusive

He was:
a lazy slug a lot
not emotionally supportive
wasn't romantic or terribly loving
and often made me feel stupid

He's a nice man and a pretty good dad...not great but good...but I'm not a perfect woman or mom either.

We both were at fault for the problems in our marriage and I don't put more blame on one or the other of us.  We fell out of love and frankly we were never well suited to begin with.

My sweet aunt will say "you were so in love and so happy"...but she loves everyone and she loves to be super supportive.  The truth is I convinced myself I loved him because I didn't know what to do with myself so getting married seemed to be the answer.

I wanted to be a mom and wife.
He asked.
We got married.

I realized early on that maybe it was a mistake but I am not a quitter.

I got pregnant.
I lost the baby (ectopic pregnancy)
I got pregnant
I lost the baby

After that I was so emotionally beaten down by the losses that I clung to him.

I gained and lost a lot of weight throughout it...

I did finally get pregnant again and it stuck.  And I was blessed with the greatest joy and love of my life---my daughter.

For a few years I hardly noticed my marriage because I was so focused on being the best mom ever.

Then things got rocky
and I got pregnant

And then I was blessed with the other love of my life---my son

And for a few years all I cared about was that I had these two incredible kids and that was enough...

and they got bigger
and so did the marriage issues

and I tried to leave him
and everyone told me I shouldn't
and we went to counseling
and I stayed

I stayed because my kids were young and because I had no idea how to leave...I just knew I wanted out

we tried
it lasted 6 months
but we tried

I bit my tongue
we fought
I got fat

and then my mom died
my world ended
I became a shell of myself
I couldn't breathe or move

so I clung to him again to fight the pain...

and in the midst of the pain I found something I love doing because I stumbled into designing costumes for the middle school musical...and a glimmer started....

but my marriage was a misery and we fought and I ate my feelings

I literally ate my feelings

and I ballooned up to over 300 lbs

and then one day I found out I didn't want to die
I didn't want to be fat
I didn't want to be miserable

and I put down the fat stuff and went to the gym

I huffed and puffed through my first workout which was an hour on the elliptical

I didn't die so I went back.

And over the course of a year I lost about 140 lbs and re-newed my love for exercise and most especially spinning.

I hired a trainer.
I went to bootcamp.
I worked out every day.

I ate right and passed up the chips and fries.

And then one day I went to a 50th wedding anniversary celebration.  I saw the happy couple and they looked so in love.  I saw her look at him with a love that I KNEW I had never had for my husband.  I have a photo of her face.  She's a woman I love with all my heart and I know her well enough to know that look of love for her husband was real.  She's GOTT's mom.

And then I looked at GOTT and GOTTESS and saw the love they have.  And the next day I told GOTT I was going to leave my husband.  GOTT is the closest thing I have to a soulmate that is not my lover and he literally is the only human I could be locked in an elevator with.  He knows all my secrets and my crimes.  He knows me better than I know myself.  He believes in me when I don't.  He's sorta my younger twin brother.  And GOTTESS is my wind in my sails---she keeps me moving forward.  Telling GOTT was not a crime because I needed to have the support.  When I said "I want what you have and I deserve it" he said "yes you do".

That's why he's my best friend soulmate.

I had been practicing for months what to say...trying to get the courage to do it.  But at that party I knew what I had to do.

So I told GOTT on a Monday and spent the week trying to figure out how to tell my kids and husband that we were no longer going to be married.

On Saturday night we went to dinner and I looked across the table and was so miserable to see him across from me I knew it couldn't go on.

So on Sunday afternoon February 27, 2011 I was sitting in the couch of the study and he was at his desk and I told him:


and he said he did too

The rest I will keep private...

But I did tell our kids we were always going to be a family....just not a married family

And on February 27 I was born...

I was free

He moved out April 1 and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne and moving my clothes into his part of the closet.

It took a year to get the divorce final but it was worth it.

And every day since I have been:
more loving
more myself

Today my beautiful friend MarvelousMadonna told me it takes massive amounts of courage to choose the life we want...

I agree

and I love her for seeing that in me...

(and yes she is a yoga teacher so it was super special)

my children are happier
they see that love isn't about fighting
they see happy parents

I go to bed each night alone
in my own bed
in my own home

and it's good

Do I wish I had someone in my life


but I want to wait for the RIGHT person and not just someone I convince myself is worth being with because I've been there, done that and have the kids to prove it...

I need someone who lets me be me
who loves me as I am
who doesn't want to change me
who thinks I am smart and pretty and fun
that wants to be with me

I've never regretted leaving him

I only regret I didn't do it sooner

So happy 5th birthday to me...
the real me

I don't need a man in my life but I want share myself with

but only if he brings out the best in me....

So my sweet readers this is why today is my 5th birthday!

I'm going to go cook my son a delicious meal and have a little champagne

I deserve it

Even if I am only 5 years old...

Inspiration Song: "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson.  Because I am independent and my whole adult life until 5 years ago I was totally dependent on someone else.  But now I am only dependent on me...

Bye Darlings...I'm gonna push "publish" on this without even re-reading it because tonight I want to be raw...truthful...unedited...


I love you all...
thanks for taking this ride with me