Sunday, March 22, 2015

Edge of Seventeen

Hello Darlings...

In a few days (more or less depending on when you read this blog) The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) is going to turn 17

which is completely impossible because I literally just birthed him 5 minutes ago

But here we are discussing college and prom...he's taking SAT's and AP courses...he drives himself to school (and everywhere) and even drove himself 5 1/2 hours to be a camp counselor at his camp...

He came out of me hungry and smiling...and has been so ever since...

he has beautiful blue eyes and one perfect dimple on his left cheek...

he is the most beautiful human I have ever seen---along with his equally beautiful sister...

he was an easy baby...

sorta...

bless his heart for all his perfection he had terrible ears...or rather Eustachian tubes...

poor baby got an ear infection every month until he got tubes put in at 11 months...

he was miserable with it and his father wasn't sure he entirely liked him that first year...he screamed his head off in the car (we later figured out that something about how the "bucket" seat of the little basket carseat sat him at an angle that made the fluid in his ears hurt him all the more...we changed car seats and it changed our lives).

One day I left my (now ex-) hubby in charge of the two kids so I could go to a meeting.  I found out later that my daughter is a tattletale and my ex could have brain farts of stupidity...

He was giving the kids a bath and my son had a tub that was large and would sit inside our large corner tub....if you filled both tubs just right both kids could have a bath at the same time.  Kesha Barbie was almost 5 at that time and TCBITW was about 3-4 months old.

The phone rang and Dad went to answer it...

the phone was in the other room...

It was my mother calling to check how Dad was doing with his first real time alone with the kids (seriously at that point I had only left him in charge for an hour or so and this was more like 4).

he chats with her a while (on the cordless phone and he had returned to the bathroom) and Kesha Barbie casually says:

"Daddy, TCBITW is under water"

apparently he told her to quiet down so he could hear "Nona" (my mom)

and then he realized what had been said...

and he walks over to the tub and sees that my son has slid under the water and is completely submerged and looking up at him with his big blue eyes open

no telling how long it had been but I have been assured it could not have been more than 10 seconds...

10 SECONDS!!!!

he drops the phone
my mom starts screaming
Kesha Barbie is laughing and saying "he almost drownded!"
and thankfully my son was breathing

And then the bad parenting mafia agreed "not to tell" me and told Kesha Barbie that "mommy doesn't need to know anything about this"...

I was home all of 30 seconds before Kesha Barbie spilled the beans...much to Dad's chagrin as he had tried to get her to bed early in hopes she wouldn't tell me:

"TCBITW almost drownded"

He's a good dad but it was a while before I left him alone with the kids again and every once in a while I play the "well at least I never almost let you drownded" card with him

(and yes, drownded was what she said and it stuck)

The fact that I am now facing that he will head to college in less than 18 months is making me want to drownded myself...

Lucky for me he wants to go to my alma mater and it is less than 2 hours away and I hope I will see him a lot more than I see his sister who is a 4.5 hour plane ride away...

One day I told him;
"you know---you will be so close that maybe on Sundays I will drive up and we can go to brunch"

he sighed loudly, rolled his eyes, said "oh MOM!" and headed to his bedroom

I was totally messing with him

but 5 minutes later he emerged from his bedroom and said:

"would coming for brunch include you maybe cooking things or bringing food to stock my fridge and maybe helping with laundry?  If so then fine..."

I stared at him in disbelief

and I am still not sure to this day if he knew I was messing with him so he was messing back

and hell to the yeah I am going up there sometime during his first few weeks of school and taking him to brunch

and I will stock the hell out of that fridge and I will TAKE HIS LAUNDRY WITH ME SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO GO BACK THE NEXT WEEK

(and all of you out there that are shaking your heads and thinking "she is truly out of her mind" can just shake your heads because I am out of my mind and I will do it...)

I am trying to prep him now...

we are learning about laundry (he got a head start on that at camp because counselors do the laundry)

I am teaching him to cook...on the list are:
eggs (fried and scrambled)
steak
burgers
baked potato
bacon
quesadillas
tacos
beans
white chili
reubens
various sandwiches

I have been seasoning and using a cast iron skillet to give him and I plan to send him with a griddle/Panini maker that he can use for making quesadillas and tortillas and sandwiches...he plans to live with his best friend and hopefully between the two of them and the dining hall they will be fine...

according to my son if you put enough sriracha or Cholula on stuff it makes anything edible...so I do believe he will survive

I had to get used to him being a big dog varsity football player this year...next year I am going into training when he does so I can survive all the parties and tailgates before and after the games and practice my calm varsity mom face when he gets hit.  I did pretty damn good when his leg got broken and everyone around me was looking at me as I walked down the longest stadium steps in the world---the fact I had recently had botox helped my "resting bitch face" look like the epitome of calm and collectedness and serenity...because inside I was screaming and wanted to launch myself over the wall and onto the field and hold my baby

Apparently the botox has worn off because the resting bitch face has returned to bitch face and is no longer serene looking...he can read me like a book again...

time to call the amazing Dr. Baldwin and get that fixed so I can maintain my look of calm when he tells me things like "I don't really want to go to prom"...

I swear he wants to deprive me the pleasure of gushing over how amazing he looks in a tux and taking a bunch of photos of him and his date and continually saying how cute they are and to make good choices...

He's not a big socializer...he has friends at school but really mostly just spends time with his "gang" that is comprised of 6 boys who have all been close friends since middle school and now all go to different high schools

he is a nerd...and I am proud of that...

His college counselor is new this year and when they had their first meeting she looks across the desk at this football player with a shaved head (thank you senior football players) and a broken leg (thank you idiot sophomore who should not have been playing varsity that hit him) and she opens his file and looks at him and says:

"Who are you!?!?"

his answer "I am a linebacker/wrestler that happens to love science and math"

he's always had duality...

he is a nerd and a jock
he is tough but he still cries
he's an independent young man that still kisses me goodnight every night
he plays these wild video games and yet is the sweetest boy I know

he calls me when he is heading home (before he leaves school)...
he takes great care of me when I am sick (like fetching things for me or going to the store)
he doesn't complain if I ask him to run errands or take care of things around the house
he cares about his studies and is proud he takes honors and AP classes

He got disappointed in himself when he didn't do well this wrestling season.

He only got to wrestle for 3 weeks and then the season ended...it hurt him so much to lose this season with the broken leg because last year he lost his whole season with a pulled/strained elbow ligament.  He loves to wrestle and he loves his team...and he is very very good at it...

and when I saw the disappointment on his face when he lost one of his last matches and saw how he was fighting tears I saw a little boy and all I wanted to do was hold him tight and kiss on him and rock him in my arms like I did when he was 3 (but instead I was a good varsity wrestling mom and I just hugged him and told him I loved him)...and when he lost his last match of the season to his friend and yet no tears happened and he smiled and hugged his friend I saw a man...

and I saw a great man when I saw him go to stand at the mat and cheer on his friend in the finals and he did it without me telling him to do so...

I can't stop him from growing up

I can only help him to become a good man and all help him develop all the potential he has

I don't have to dress him anymore...although there are some days I really want to when I see how he has costumed himself and he thinks it works...

I thankfully no longer have to change a diaper or bathe him anymore (although when he had a broken leg we did have to work as a team to keep that cast dry)

I no longer have to feed him with a fork or cut his meat...I just throw a Fred Flintstone sized piece of meat at him and I get a growl of approval...

I don't get to kiss the boo-boos but I still get to hold him when he is hurt (when no one is really looking) and he will still hug me in public...

and he makes a great designated driver when we go out to dinner so I can have a second glass of wine and not worry...

I'm not ready for him to be so grown up and yet I am so very proud of the grownup he is becoming

and I can't wait to see what 17 brings and what comes with 18...

When I was 17 I was in college...I was forced to grow up quickly because when my parents divorced I had to do a lot of caretaking of my siblings because my mom was too busy trying to find the next man to love and my stepmonster really didn't want much to do with us...I went to college knowing how to cook 3 course meals from start to finish without a recipe and how to do laundry and make beds and fold clothes and sheets (not that I ever did fold sheets at school and laundry got done when I ran out of underwear).  I went to college to get away from my family and to finally have the chance to try and be myself and not have my parents telling me how perfect I needed to be...

My son will spend his year of being 17 being a junior and senior in high school...playing football... being the captain of the wrestling team and wrestling...hanging out with his buddies...taking AP courses and being the nerd of the football team who also happens to hit more people than anyone...he will be a camp counselor this summer and will play 7 on 7 football in the horrid Texas heat in July...he will learn to do laundry but I won't teach him how to fold a fitted sheet because I know he never will...

he's The Cutest Boy in the World...I love him and his sister more than I thought it was possible to love another human...that love is so fulfilling and encompassing that I don't just FEEL blessed I KNOW I am blessed...I wake up every day amazed at how incredibly lucky I am to be the mom to these two amazing humans...

I miss having a little boy who sits in my lap and gives me kisses...I miss the baby that always threw his arm over my shoulder...I miss the toddler who hated sleeves on shirts and never wore shoes...I miss the little boy who would pull out his own teeth and once got his neck skin stuck in a zipper (thankfully it was his neck and not down below)...I miss the little boy who mispronounced words in the most charming way (Darling Dana I can hear you laughing right now at how he would say your name) and I really miss the sweet baby I nursed at my breast who would look up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I knew just what being lost in love truly meant...

I can't imagine how I will find the strength to walk back to my car and drive home after I settle him in his dorm at school...the other day I was telling my sweet friend Jen the Awesome how I was already having a hard time thinking about it and I started to cry (and thankfully she knows I am crazy and loves me despite it and gently patted my arm and smiled that beautiful smile of hers that was comfort...I know she will be among the many I will need to keep me happy and busy when he goes)...if I am crying now I don't know how bad I will be when the time really comes

Of course God does have a way of making you just a tiny bit sick of them before they go (I learned this with Kesha Barbie) but he's my youngest and being divorced and without a spouse when he goes it is just me and the cats...

I have sweet friends who have lost children...I can't imagine how horrific that pain is...it's a place that I can't relate to because unless you have lost a child you can't know what a terrible place that is...and when I think of letting him go I think of my sweet friends and realize that sending my boy to college is a step they won't get to take with their precious child and if they can find the strength to get out of bed each day I can certainly send my son down the highway to college...I gather strength when I think of you SP and SK and I love you and not a day goes by that I don't think of your loss...

I am going to enjoy this next 18 months...it will be a roller coaster and I will have many highs and I am sure there will be some lows but I am most grateful that God blessed me with this amazing son of mine (and my beautiful daughter) and I will do everything I can to launch him into this world of being an adult...

I didn't really want a boy...I wanted to have another girl...

I didn't like "boys" sports and boy clothes are not nearly as fun as girl stuff...I'm a girl who loves tutus and glitter not football jerseys and camo...

I wasn't sure how I would handle all the boy stuff and farts and peeing in bushes and fart noises and everything is a gun and the way little boys take everything apart just to see all the parts...

but I did just fine

except for the farts part...I'm still not good with that...

I ate dinner with a boy who turned food into a helicopter and a fork was a gun...

I quit caring that the shirt and shorts didn't match perfectly and was sort of glad not to have to find a matching bow

I love watching my son wrestle and I can tolerate the football and I miss lacrosse...

I've learned to breathe through my mouth when me son walks in from football and smells like horse manure (I have smelled a lot of horse manure so it's ok) and I have learned to pick up his nasty wet practice clothes and not die (because my own clothes after spin class are just as nasty)...

His room smells like a combination of a locker room and Kool aid...it's hot because of the tv and computer being on and all the drawers are wide open and nothing is put perfectly away...I really don't care...

He's my boy...and I am the luckiest mom in the world because TCBITW calls me "Mom"...

Inspiration Song: "Edge of Seventeen" by my rock goddess Stevie Nicks...come on now how could I not?  I thought about "At 17" by Janis Ian but that song is super depressing...and yeah this is about an older woman and a younger man but at least it doesn't make you want to cry...

Bye darlings...sons are a wonder...so are daughters...and raising kids is a privilege...now go and tell them you love them...







Monday, March 2, 2015

Big Yellow Taxi

Hello Darlings...

Oh I know you are just itching to know why the hell I would post "Big Yellow Taxi" as a blog title...

are you thinking I ran off to New York?

Stay with me here...don't scroll to the bottom to see why "Big Yellow Taxi" is the name of this blog...just roll with me...

I have been sick for the past 2 weeks...it started off as a little sinus infection and blew up into a nasty respiratory infection...like I could totally relate to the Mucinex commercials...

it was vile...

It took a major antibiotic and a narcotic cough syrup to get me through it...and a lot of broth and tea and Mucinex and time in bed...

it was like the flu without fever...

and I sounded like a 90 year old ex-smoker with emphysema...

nasty stuff...

I whined and moaned about it endlessly on Facebook...

(yes that does help you feel better when you whine and moan on FB)

GOTT called me in for a meeting and I think he regretted it 2 minutes in to it when my coughs were literally shaking the curtains in the black box theater...he kept saying "you sound awful"...

duh...

in his defense I told him I was doing better...but he wisely kept his distance...

I tried to fight it off but it became apparent that this was going to take drugs...

big powerful strong drugs...

when I saw the doc he told me "go home to bed"...I informed him I was going to drive to Dallas as soon as we were done and he almost jumped off his stool...

once I explained it was The Cutest Boy in the World's (TCBITW) state wrestling championships he "got it" but he still didn't love that I was driving from Houston to Dallas by myself...

so I went and filled my prescriptions and headed to Dallas and literally walked into the gym just in time to see TCBITW on the mat and wrestling.

He fought so hard...

at one point he was winning...

and then he got pinned at the last second...

I saw my son literally crush under the weight of the kid pinning him...the look of disappointment on his face was crushing to me...he went and sat by himself for a while and then he came over and sat in the bleachers with the rest of the team and their families...

"I should have won"

"You COULD have won"

"but I SHOULD have won that match..."

and then I reminded him he had been back to wrestling for less than 3 weeks...he was still recovering from a broken leg...and basically all of last season he was laid up with an elbow injury so he hadn't really been on the mat for almost 2 years.

The other boy had been training since November...he had had many matches...my son had wrestled 3 times since January of 2014 when he had 3 matches and got re-injured on his first time out for the season...

I drove to Dallas NOT to watch him wrestle...

I drove to Dallas to be a mom...

and despite the fact I felt horrible and just wanted to go to bed I knew I was supposed to be there for that conversation and to tell my son that he was the most amazing boy in the world and that it would all come back to him...and that next season they better watch out because TCBITW was going to be a hurricane...

we went back to the hotel...he went with his team and I checked in and ordered room service and watched shark tank and instantly regretted that I was staying at the same hotel at 3 wrestling teams...

but then I remembered they had curfew and sure enough the floor was so quiet I needn't have worried...

wrestlers are good boys...

I showered and drank a glass of wine and took my narcotic cough meds and

wowzers...

I mean...

woah!

That stuff knocked me out...

I am sensitive to any kind of drug and I pretty much passed out...

one glass of wine NEVER does that to me so I knew it was the cough syrup...

(I am, after all, a black belt in wine drinking...)

at 6 AM I was bolted awake by the coach texting me asking me if the boys had breakfast...

8 texts later we got it figured out and I pray to the good Lord above that I made sense because at that point I think I still was "under the influence"

nothing like looking like an idiot in front of your son's coach...especially if you are the team mom...even if it is by text...

So I headed up to watch my kid wrestle a few more boys and was so excited to see him pin his next opponent...

and then...

uh oh...

he had to wrestle his friend Diesel...

(his real name is not Diesel but in middle school that is what we called this sweet boy because he was like a diesel engine...unstoppable...)

The reason Diesel wrestles is because TCBITW talked him into it in 8th grade...

they like each other....they don't hang out...but they do like each other...

they have been friends since they were 4 years old...

So Diesel goes over and tells TCBITW that they are going to wrestle each other...Diesel's mom and I laugh about it...

and then it happens...

it's a fair fight...

they wrestle their hearts out...

and Diesel pins my son...

they hug after...and hug again...

and my son comes over to the bleachers to me and gives me a hug but this time there are no tears in his eyes like the night before...

there is no defeat there...

there is acceptance that he was bested by someone who has been working at this for months and he has been working at this for 3 weeks...

(just as an aside here...my kid is the captain of the team so even though he only hit the mat for 2 tournaments because of his broken leg he went to EVERY meet and watched EVERY match...I am proud of him for sitting through roughly over 100 hours of wrestling while just sitting in a chair)

he knew that Diesel had beaten him because he had worked harder at it...this time there was no "I SHOULD"...he GOT it...

you can't just show up and win...you have to work for it...

I mean yeah sometimes you can just show up and win but the victory is far sweeter if you have put the effort in to it...

Diesel was to wrestle for 3rd place...and just before he was to take the mat again I looked for my son.  I was going to suggest he go and stand at the side of the mat (what you do in wrestling when your team mate or someone important to you is on the mat) and support his friend...

I looked for my son...

he wasn't sitting in the bleachers...

he was walking to the mat to support his friend...

Diesel's own team mates were not there...they were watching another boy...

but my son was...

he was right there where his friend could see him...

and he yelled and cheered and coached him and when it was over and Diesel won...

my son hugged him...

at that moment I was prouder of my boy than I would have been if he had won a medal himself...

I will give up medals for class...

for showing up for your friend...

for putting someone else ahead of yourself...

for being a person who can give up ego in favor of friendship...

it meant the world to Diesel and his parents...and I couldn't stop crying...

when I saw my son I told him I was prouder of him at that moment than I would have been had he been on the podium....he thought it was no big deal because he KNEW it was what he should do...

Can you tell I am still busting proud about this?

to hell with state titles...give me a kid who GETS it!

I hugged Diesel and told him I was proud of him and loved him...he told me it meant everything to him that TCBITW was there for him...

That was awesome...

My son lost a wrestling season...he lost last season too...he loves to wrestle...he loves the sport and being on the mat...he love the victory and he accepts his defeats...

But when you lose a season and come back and the gold medal is in your grasp and slips away...

you don't know how much that can hurt...

and how much you miss what could have been...

when it was all over my son got on the bus and headed to In N Out burger and inhaled 2 double double animal style burgers, two orders of fries, a shake and a diet coke...

I had that minus the 2 of everything and no shake...

I headed back alone in my car and had to pull over halfway home to wake myself back up from my food and residual drug coma...

um next time I might listen to the doc...

maybe...

I hit up Bucees for jerky and steaks and made it home fine but tired...TCBITW was about an hour behind and came home full, fed, and not as disappointed as he might have thought he would have been..

and then the "gunk" hit me full force and I was pretty much laid up for the next week...

the worst part was that I couldn't work out....

I was missing my beloved spin classes...

and it was killing me...

but you have to be able to breathe to spin and I pretty much could not draw breath without coughing up a lung...

I had already missed most of the week before and now I missed another full week...

ugh...

every time I called to cancel my bike I cried...

I missed the classes and the sweat....

I missed the way I could lose myself on the bike

I missed just feeling a beat and riding to it and not thinking

but more than that I missed the people...

I missed this great community of people who work at the studio and that come and work out at the studio...

I missed sweaty hugs and high fives after surviving the evil that has been thrust upon us by tiny humans that are truly the nicest people ever until they get in front of you and bark at you to "reach down and turn it up" and make you spin your ass off...

I missed seeing someone who you only knew there in the studio but knew that person was riding beside you and working as hard as you...

I missed the young girls who call me their "mama Anice" who lift me up each day...my KuteKara and my KuteKatie and my AmazingAshley and my BrookieBrooke and CarmenMiranda and BeautifulBritta...oh how I missed those beautiful girls...

I missed my spirit animal Jose...who tells me to never give up...

I missed the incredible instructors not just during class but for the laughs and love after...and the studio team who literally sometimes are the best part of my day...

I missed that beautiful place full of people who not just ride together but have formed friendships and bonds and greet each other with love and enthusiasm at the start or end of a long day...

When you have to be away from something you love it is so very hard...

but tonight I came back...

I totally wanted to die...

I cried because I made it through...and Marvelous Mel played my Miley anthem for me and I rode that bike 6 like I was it's boss...

Coming back is hard...it is hard knowing you are going to want to DIE about song 3 and that you might puke....

it's hard to breathe and not cough up a lung when you have been sick...

but I had to get back on that bike and back to my peeps...

if my son could get back on the mat I after a broken leg I could get back on the bike...

my son missed getting to wrestle...he loves to wrestle and he missed being the one on the mat fighting so hard and working so hard to beat the other boy...

I missed having sweat pour off me as I pushed my body to do what I never ever thought it could do at age 50

I never thought I would be 50 years old and literally cry because I couldn't go to a spin class...

when I was 40 I just figured I would be a sad overweight woman in an unhappy marriage that was content to watch tv and eat whatever she felt like eating because she gave up...

but thankfully that girl went away in favor of a girl who loves to exercise and sweat and eats healthy and is happy...and divorced...

So...have you figured out why this is "Big Yellow Taxi"?

Joni Mitchell is a wise woman...

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL ITS GONE...

For me I missed sweating and working out (but rest assured just because I mentioned my marriage NOT ONCE did I miss that once it was gone...I missed having a human next to me to cuddle but NOT THE HUMAN I WAS MARRIED TO)

My son missed getting to wrestle but found happiness and satisfaction in cheering for a friend who had worked hard all season for it...

We all miss things in our lives...

stop for a moment and appreciate what you have...what you love...what you would miss that might surprise you...

I don't think my son would have told you "I miss being on the mat" if he had not broken his leg...

and I wouldn't have realized how much I would miss the community I ride with and how much I miss sweating (and how much I still miss sweating with JayVee) until I was forced to not get to go...

(thank you nasty respiratory infection)

yes we miss the big things in life...our parents when we go away...our lovers when they go on a business trip...our kids when they go to camp or college...our family and pets when they pass away (ok that is a HUGE one and should not be lumped in here... but you get where I am coming from)

but sometimes it takes us by surprise when the things we miss are not what we expected...

so appreciate all you have...even the little things...even sweat...and boys killing each other on a mat...and DVRs (so much better than VCRs) and food on the table and sunshine and all the little things in life that make it good...

appreciate all you have been given

appreciate...

everything...

Inspiration Song: "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell...a song to remind us all that we need to appreciate things before we lose them...or before we miss them...this song moves me every time and every time I hear it I am reminded to appreciate all that I have...Counting Crows and Amy Grant did awesome versions of the song if you aren't a fan of Joni...listen to it...

Bye Darlings...don't pave paradise to put up a parking lot...and if you don't know what I am talking about here are the words to this awesome song...and if you don't know who Joni Mitchell is...well learn who she is before I pat you on your darling little head...

They paved paradise put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot

Chorus:
Don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
The paved paradise put up a parking lot

They took all the trees, put 'em in a tree museum,
And they charge the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em

Chorus

Hey farmer farmer, put away the DDT now
Give me spots on my apples, but leave me the birds and the bees
Please

Chorus

Late last night, I heard the screen door slam,
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man.

Chorus x 2

The paved paradise put up a parking lot x 2
Ha Ha Ha
Lyrics from eLyrics.net