This is Me

Hello Darlings...

I went to see my favorite movie of this year the other day: "The Greatest Showman". I went with GOTTESS, GOTT, and GOTTSON.

GOTTESS and I cried through the whole movie....every number made us burst into tears. The beauty of the songs, costumes, choreography and styling made us cry happy tears...and GOTT as usual thought we were cute---if not a little freaky for it...but he's used to it with us...

If you are not familiar with the movie it is a musical fictionalized account of PT Barnum's life.

And if you know who Barnum is you know it was a circus of freaks and oddities that brought him fame and fortune.

There's a point in the movie when the Bearded Lady sings a song about being "different" and it really resonates with me as I often find myself thinking I am strange, unusual, and different.

I joke that I am a magical unicorn warrior princess...but that is how I see myself: magical in that I have overcome things I wasn't sure I could, a unicorn in that I am a rare being for all my odd combinations of talents and faults, a warrior because I have battled something that literally has been trying to kill me and a princess in that I like me some sparkle and glitz and princess-y things...

It's taken me 53 years but I finally actually like who I am and I embrace my uniqueness and differences.

Do I love my fat dimpled thighs?

no...

make that:

HELL NO

but I've never had skinny thighs so at this point in life I have accepted it and along with my big fat booty and I will deal with them.

I gained weight for a few reasons:
1) I was ill...my body was fighting cancer before I knew I had it so my metabolism was not working properly
2) then I had chemo and the devil drug Decadron made me think that I was literally starving all the time...I basically turned into my cat Zulu (who thinks he is starving if he can see the bottom of his bowl)
3) I like to cook and I cook good food
4) I like to eat...and I like to eat good food...and I like to eat the good food I cook

I'm never going to be thin because my metabolism is basically running at the glacial speed of a sloth.

And I am never going to give up enjoying food because unless I live on a diet of water, lemon slices and AIR I will gain weight...

So I have accepted my curves and am trying to embrace them...

I have also accepted that I am a crier.

If you know me you know I can be set into tears at the drop of a hat.

Things that make me cry:
beautiful things like art and fashion
sentimental movies
my students performing
my children achieving their goals
those damn "save an animal" commercials
The Color Purple
The Greatest Showman
The Lion King
Aggie football
Game of Thrones
cute animal videos
babies
chemo
fear of dying
lonliness
Hallmark commercials (but not the movies...weirdly I don't watch them)
bullying
seeing my children when they come home
the song "She Used to be Mine"
and the list goes on and on and on...

I cry...

it's just part of me...

Hopefully the next man who I let into my heart will fall in line with the old saying:
"find a man who ruins your lipstick and not your mascara"

This year I cried a lot...over so many many things but mostly for all the crap I have been put through with this damn cancer.

I've been tested beyond what I thought I could stand.

And some things pushed me to my limit:
the thought of losing my hair (so I didn't)
being told I was Stage 4 and not 3 (so I had more treatment)
my first chemo (handled it like a boss)
fear of dying (oh hell no)
missing my workouts (I need to sweat)

No one ever has a year where every thing is sunny and rosy and nothing bad happens. I had to fight cancer. Other friends have lost loved ones or their homes (thank goodness God knew my plate was full and I was spared those things).

Illness is one of those things you have zero control over.

Because cancer gives zero "f'cks" if you are young or old, fat or skinny, rich or poor, gay or straight, married or single, blonde or dark haired, pretty or not so pretty, or whatever the hell you are.

Cancer is gonna get who cancer is gonna get.

Other than my weight I have lived a fairly healthy life and yet here I sit battling a Stage 4 cancer that most do not survive....or at least not for long.

I've tried to live life as a good person...I try to be good, kind, loving, helpful, giving, supportive, friendly, compassionate, wise, discerning, and just generally try to be a person who does more good in life than bad...that gives more than she takes...that loves more than she hates...and that helps more than she hurts.

And yet I am alone and I have cancer.

(Oh please oh please oh please do not message me that I am not alone...we have been over this...friends and loved ones are very helpful but for me it would have been so nice to have had a man to hold me the nights before chemo when I was terrified or who would have kissed me and told me I was cute in my cold caps or would have held my hand when the doctors told me all the bad stuff. 

 And 99% of you who tell me I am not alone---are not alone yourselves. So please...don't....there is a difference... and if you have someone you love you have no clue what it is to be alone and ill....because if you became ill you would not be alone...and if you are alone and blessed not to be ill you won't get it either)

So I am alone...and I have cancer...

but it doesn't define me...

it might anger and sadden and frustrate me but it does NOT define me...

I am more than my illness...

This year I have survived:
5 rounds of chemo (the 1st of 6 was in 2016)
hours in a freezing cap
25 rounds of radiation to my pelvis
3 brachy treatments
30 rounds of radiation to my neck
4 infusions of cisplatin
4 blood transfusions
a hernia surgery
countless blood draws
a million needle sticks
hours in waiting rooms
CT scans and a PET scan
more nausea pills than i can count

It's a lot to handle.

My stomach looks like a road map to hell...no one will ever see me in a bikini again...

I am battered and scarred...I look like a broken doll...

But those scars might be visible but they do not define me.

When we have to face our toughest challenges...our darkest fears...our highest mountains and hurdles we see what we are made of.

We transform from human to warrior...

Sometimes it is facing poison in your veins....or water rising in your home...or watching a loved one die...or saying goodbye to a marriage or relationship...or overcoming an injury...or surviving a business setback...

A warrior emerges from the shadows of the doubts we have about ourselves.

So as I see myself and define "this is me" on the last day of 2017 I am:
stronger than I was a year ago
battle scarred and weary but not defeated
hopelessly in love with the hope of finding love
devoted to my children and friends
prouder than ever of my students
sentimental and sappy but good with it

I am sparkly and I do not color inside the lines and I can't be put into a neat little package that defines me or confines me...

I have wings to fly because my Angel doctor gave them to me as he tries to cure me...
I have a song to sing because Dr. Rockstar made sure I stayed alive
I have tears to cry because I have love in my heart
I have strength that can only come from having been weak

I would hope that the most beautiful thing about me is not my face, or my green eyes or my hair but rather my loving heart...

I would hope that the strongest thing about me is not battling cancer but HOW I battled it...

I am weird and wonderful
I am odd and sweet
I am a glitter unicorn warrior princess

and no one can change that in me...nor can cancer...

My armor is rose gold and studded with crystals...my shield is golden and shiny to reflect the bad stuff away...my weapons are love and faith...

I survived a year that many would not have...because a lot of women die from El Diablo.

I vowed on New Year's Eve last year that I would see this day---December 31, 2017.

I am here....and I will see many more...

Thank you all for these last 365 days of love and support and reading all this word vomit I do and all my endless complaining and whining...

and thank you for letting me be me...

This is Me...

and I like Me...

she's not perfect

but she's Me...

Inspiration Song: "This is Me" from "The Greatest Showman". The music and lyrics are by the team (Pasek and Paul) that wrote "dear Evan Hansen" and "LaLaLand". Kesha does a very beautiful cover of the song but it is Keala Settle's performance from the movie that does me in every time. If you have not seen the movie---go!

Lyrics...because they are so powerful:

THIS IS ME
by Pasek and Paul

I'm not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one will love you as you are

[Pre-Chorus]

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

[Chorus]

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am great, I am proof

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

[Post-Chorus]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Bye Darlings: Happy New Year to you...may 2017 be in your rear view mirror if it was a tough one to get through and may 2018 be better...