High Hopes

Hello Darlings...

It's the holiday season...

I'm hoping to get my Christmas present on December 7.

I have a scan tomorrow...and on the 7th I see Dr. Angel and hopefully he will tell me that I am clear of my horrible cancer.

Wouldn't that be like the best gift ever?

(it also means I won't be endlessly blogging about my cancer....I can move on to other things...like food...and diet...and exercise...and being boyfriendless...yipee!)

I long for normalcy...

I am very ready to not see the Medical Center for a while...

I can't wait to not have a month where I am poked by needles or scanned by some sort of machine...

I live for the day that I can realize it has been months since anyone cared what my hemoglobin count was, or what my blood pressure is (currently excellent thank you spin, yoga, good eating), or if my CA125 count is under 20.

I look forward to maintenance: just having the occasional scan and going in every 6-8 weeks to get my port flushed...

Oh that will be lovely...

So I am in a 4 day anxiety ridden rollercoaster....

Tomorrow I get the MRI of my neck...

then I...

W
A
I
T

and wait and wait and wait...

it's less than 72 hours but it will feel like 72 days...

The last time I had this little dance of scan/go see Dr. Angel I had high hopes...

high high high high high hopes

I went in dressed in a twirly little dress and heels and my brightest happy lipstick on and champagne at home chilling in the fridge...

the champs is still there...

w
a
i
t
i
n
g

I danced into the radiation therapy department fully convinced that I was going to hear awesome news and that I was going to be free of all the treatments and I could schedule my hernia repair and finish out the last quarter of the year quietly...

but no...

God said "Ha!"

God had other plans for me...

because He wasn't done burnishing me with the cancer...

notice I said "burnishing" and not burning...

burnishing is polishing...

it makes things shinier....

glossier....

it beautifies an object....

and in my case, a person...

He has used my cancer as a way for me to grow and improve...

to smoothe away my rough edges and make me shiny.

I needed a little more under the lens of cancer to transform me into the Anice2.0 I needed to be...

or maybe it is 3.0 because I think of Anice2.0 as the me that left the ex.

In any case Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar and I were not done fighting.  We had more work to do.

And I am damn blessed because if Dr. Angel had not seen the cancer in those lymph glands it might have spread and my story could have turned out very very different.

So hopefully when I see my precious Dr. Angel on Thursday I will see on his face that there is good news....I know from the look in his eyes if all is well...

I know he is waiting and anticipating too...I was told I needed to do my scan in the same building as radiation therapy---that way he gets the scans quickly.

And one of the nurses I dearly love there (oh who am I kidding I love them all..) called me Friday to confirm I was having the scan and that I would be in on Thursday.

I told her we were going to have a dance party on Thursday so get ready to celebrate.

I have done as much as I possibly could to drive my poor doctors crazy with this second round of radiation and chemo, the unplanned stay in the hospital because of my blood being so bad I needed transfusions, and my insistence at having the hernia repaired.

I think they are ready to be bored by my case...

So for now I face 3 great challenges:

1) I have to get into the MRI machine and since it's my neck well...yeah....fun in a tube!  Yoga breathing will help and so will praying...I am claustrophobic so this will be a challenge. I have had an MRI before but it was my knee and I wasn't all the way in the machine...

2) 68 hours of waiting...work will help, I also see my hernia surgeon so there is that distraction and you might get a lot of anxiety filled blogs from me...

3) preparing myself to face whatever the news is: good or bad...

I'm going to go into it feeling as positive as I did the last time...I want to walk in there with all the hope in the world that the news will be good and that I will have a reason to celebrate.

The champs is still in the fridge....I will have a reason to pop that cork!

I can't dwell on the "what if's".

It does not serve me to do that.

I have to focus on what lies ahead for me in a positive outcome and what I can do to honor the gift of life I have been given.

Last night I had a belated birthday celebration with very dear friends. As I looked around the table and saw two of my oldest friends and their children I could not help but feel that the greatest gift was to be loved.

I am loved and truly nothing compares to that.

I want to share and spread that love and I want to be a beacon of it.

I want my kids, my students, my friends, my family, and all who know me to see me as a warrior who won but continues to fight with love...

I am not a perfect person.

I have made many many mistakes.

I have done many things I am not proud of.

But I will be proud of this fight and how I handled it.

I've had moments of doubt and true real fear but for the most part I have girded myself with the attitude that I must fight on and keep moving forward and face each challenge as it comes.

Every day we wake up and there are challenges before us.

Some might be as minor as running out of coffee (that's what Dunkin and Starbucks are for) and others might be as large as taking an important test or making an important presentation.

But if before our feet hit the floor we thank God for our blessings and we take a moment to say to ourselves "this will be a good day" (or if you are like me most days, because I am Christian, I say "this is the day that the Lord has made...I will rejoice and be glad in it").

If we START positive we will finish in glory...

And that is how I see this battle I have fought...

I started it with saying I would win...

and I will finish it (hopefully) on Thursday in full glory....

and maybe smothering my doctor in hugs and making him dance around the room with me....

Whether it is a day, a week, or a year (like this cancer has been) if we start positively and finish with joy then even if we don't come out on top we are still winners because we did all we could.

When my gyno called to tell me it was cancer I told her "I will beat it" and she said "yes you will".

When I had a day I cried to Dr. Angel that I was terrified of what I had read on the internet about my cancer he said he fully believed that I was going to be ok. And I believe him. I hold on to that.

So for the next few days fill social media with joy for me to keep me distracted. Pray for me and my doctors. Send up happy thoughts. Do good for others in my name. Share love as much as possible because we will all feel that in the universe.

And tomorrow at about 3 pm CST pray as hard as you can that I will not freak out in the MRI and that my scan will be clear....El Diablo needs to vamos...

I used to not be fond of being challenged.

It usually made me mad and I made bad decisions because I don't like to compete (and lose).

I've had myself challenged physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually with this disease.

I have overcome all and I sit victorious ready to claim my crown.

(and we all know just how much I love a crown)

I will win this battle...and I have a strong feeling that Thursday will be the day that cancer lays down the gauntlet and admits defeat to me.

And I will put on the crown, declare El Diablo to be forever banished from my kingdom, and I will rule as the Unicorn Glitter Princess...

be ready for a whole lot of sparkle y'all....

Inspiration Song; "High Hopes" as sung by the one and only Frank Sinatra...Old Blue Eyes did it best and just like that ant I will move the rubber tree plant that is my cancer...

Bye Darlings---prayers please...It will take all my will to handle that MRI and then patiently wait to see my Dr Angel....