Thursday, December 7, 2017

Angels Among Us

Hello Darlings!

So how does it feel to be told you are cancer free?

What's it like to be informed that El Diablo is El Gone-o?

Um....I don't know...

I'm not exactly there yet...

but I am so close I can taste it.

Over on the cancer board forum that I sometimes read they call it "Dancing With NED"...in other words No Evidence of Disease (NED).

I can't wait to dance with NED!

He will be my new boyfriend...

I'd like to start with a tango...and then maybe move to a foxtrot and go from there...

Me and NED could be the new power couple on Dancing With the Stars!!!!

But I am not QUITE at NED yet...

Let's put it this way:

I'm in the ballroom with him
and he is eyeing me from across the dancefloor
and he is making his way toward me
and I am giving El Diablo his walking papers
and I see NED heading my way

So I'm close but we have just a little bit more waiting to do before I can take NED by the hand and we can start that tango.

I saw Dr. Angel today...

I love that man...

truly love him...

he's the sweetest doctor I have ever had and he knows just how to handle me and has a good sense of humor.

So he took me into his office and pulled up my scans on his big computer screens.

He points to a scan that has a very scary black blob on it.

He says "I bet even you can tell that is bad"

I remind him I only speak glitter and that it's all blobs to me and that the black mass is scary.

He laughs and says "this is your OLD scan" and then goes on to show me the new scans (still just blobs to me and I realize I am glad my life does not depend on MY ability to read them) and tells me that the lymph nodes that were cancerous have reduced in size a lot and that there is no new evidence of disease.

That got a little scream of joy from me and a big hug for him...

and then he says the word I dread...

the word I was afraid to hear...

he says: BUT

I looked at him and said "it's always something isn't it?"

So the BUT was that although the glands have shrunk they are still on the large side of "normal" and we don't know if they are free of cancer yet.

So he says I have to have a PET scan in 6 weeks.

I tried to negotiate to have it done tomorrow but he vetoed that

Apparently we have to wait just a little longer to see if the treatments worked and if the lymph nodes go down some more.

I have total and complete faith in Dr. Angel and that he cured me so if I have to wait I have to wait...

He did say that he might want me to have the lymph glands taken out.

okie dokie

well....I'm being a little flip about it....it's actually fairly serious surgery because they lymph glands are right by my carotid artery so there's that...

He called the surgeon and they decided they will decide in 6 weeks...

okie dokie

In the meantime I get to enjoy my life...have a much better Christmas than last year and continue to recover from the Gertie the Hernia removal surgery.

Dr. Angel said I looked good and healthy and could not feel the lymph glands when he felt for them and he was amazed at how good the skin on my neck looked because it did not look one bit like I had radiation.

(that's because I used Rodan + Fields "Soothe" cream on my neck and it was a miracle cream...if you know anyone who will be having radiation please tell them to find a friend who is an R+F rep (or me) and get the Soothe line to protect their skin. He's now going to recommend it to patients...)

So for now...

GOOD NEWS!!!!!

OK people it's time to dance...that's all of you...so right now get up and do some dancing because I don't get to dance with NED for 6 more weeks so I need all of you to dance with me now...

Dance like Snoopy....or any of the Peanuts...
Dance like Ren in Footloose
Dance like Fred Astaire in anything...or Gene Kelly...
Do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson
Walk like an Egyptian...
Be Cyd Charisse and vamp it up a bit...
Dance like Napoleon Dynamite did for Pedro...

just DANCE!!!!

(you there in the back just standing there with your arms crossed---I said to DANCE DAMMIT)

I know I did...I danced all the way to my car in my high heeled booties....

I've waited for this since April when I finished chemo...
but then I had to have radiation

I've waited for this since early September...
but then there was the pesky lymph glands in my neck and more radiation

So now I get good news.

So
Now
I
Get
Good
News

I was freaking out on the way to the doc so I called Twirler Girl and had her give me some moral support. She's fought hard along with me to make sure I am ok (and that I got to keep my hair). She had a good feeling about it but I was nervous. I've been tired lately and had some tummy issues (I see now that was all STRESS) and I was freaked out because Dr. Rockstar's office called and said I had an appointment with her on Monday so I was totally convinced she was seeing me because it was bad news (as it turns out it was just a coincidence that I got the call about it this morning...but it was a scary coincidence...)

Then I freaked out on my Aunt Jane...

And then I had to wait an hour and half for my Dr. Angel so basically I was put in time out and I calmed the hell down.

They put me in the back exam room and I realized it might be so that no one could hear me scream....good or bad....

But my precious Dr. Angel walked in with a smile and I knew he was happy....

and if he's happy...

I'm gonna be happy...

So now I wait.

This is what I plan to do with my extra time I have now...
time that I don't have to sit and worry about my cancer...or endlessly go to the Med Center...

I'm going to:
costume Legally Blonde
finish my Christmas decor (a few things left to do)
organize my closet better
file all my medical stuff I have just piled up
finish my Christmas shopping
cook glorious food for my kids
enjoy time with my kids and family
have fun with friends
return to Revolution (Dec 30)
spin and do yoga as much as possible
take great naps on weekends
take a carload of stuff to Goodwill
blog more for therapy
continue my diet but enjoy some treats
organize things in my house that have become disorganized this year
sleep peacefully
pray more each day

and be damn grateful for the life I have been given.

I can wait 6 weeks to hear I am clear of cancer...

Cancer has taught me patience (except not about missing my workouts...I am impatient to get back to my bike and mat).

I've learned so much through this journey and I have discovered so much about myself.

El Diablo was the hardest thing I have ever had to battle.

I had to do things I never thought I would do to kill this cancer. Needles and tests and exams and laying dead still on a table while radiation is aimed at my body...

I've said it before and I will say it again---you never know how strong you are until you are tested.

I've been through deaths, a divorce, raising kids----but this tested me like nothing before.

And I didn't realize until Dr. Angel told me that things were looking good at just how much all of this has been weighing on me.

I was terrified of dying...of leaving my children....of dying before I really knew what it felt like to be loved and love again...

And now to think that I can actually dare to hope to have a future....to maybe share a life with someone....to see my kids get married and have children of their own...

Life is never predictable or what we expect it to be.

You can't plan your life and guarantee that it will all turn out exactly as you planned it.

No one has that kind of control.

We are tested and challenged...

We have unexpected joys and blessings...

the road is never straight...you have curves and hills to negotiate...

Life is unpredictable.

When I was a little girl I thought I would grow up, go to college, get married, have 2 kids and some pets and live a happy life...

and that happened...

but I never imagined a divorce, losing my parents so young and cancer...

little girls playing with their Barbie dreamhouse don't think about those things...

But as an adult as I saw my marriage unravel and then as I saw my health deteriorate I had to face challenges that no little girl imagines she will have.

I had cancer...

(I'm pretty sure it is gone so I am going to claim it)

And an Angel and a Rockstar and God made it go away...

I don't know why I got so lucky...how I got to be the girl who had cancer and kept her hair and doesn't look sick and got to have a future...

Why me?

Why am I so blessed?

I have no clue...

But I'll take it!

Now excuse me while I go and practice my tango...I want to be ready when NED comes to get me for that dance...

Inspiration Song: "Angels Among Us" by Alabama...yeah I know they are country but when my kids were in middle school and GOTT was directing the choir they always sang this song....and for me my doctors are my Angels...and one LITERALLY IS...

And here is the chorus to the song...it speaks to me so deeply now:

Oh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love.



Bye darlings....I have been blessed to have angels in my life and most especially now when I have needed to be cured but also to show me love and guidance and patience...angels surround you and me...open your eyes---they are there! I have no clue why I am so blessed---but it must be the angels who surround me....and the Angel who cured me with God's help and love...





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