Tuesday, November 28, 2017

A Moment Like This

Hello Darlings...

At about 6:45 on November 28, 2016 I was being wheeled into the OR to have a fully hysterectomy to remove my cancerous uterus and other female organs (all contained cancer) and a few lymph glands that had decided to jump onto the cancer bandwagon.

For the last 365 days I have fought to survive what was trying to kill me.

I wasn't sure until the morning of the surgery that I was even going to get the lifesaving operation...when the hospital called to confirm on the Friday before I was warned "we might call to tell you to stay home".

I prayed hard all weekend.

I sent my son back to school and I waited....

No call on Monday morning so I reported to the hospital as I was told to do.  They had all my paperwork ready and sent me upstairs to the surgery department.

It was "Day Surgery" but that's where all surgical patients go.

They put me in a room, handed me a gown, and the waiting began.

My beloved OB/Gyn Dr. Gorgeous and her hubby who is also an OB/Gyn (Dr. Husband) stopped by to hug me, hold my hand, and wait to see how things were going to go down.

Dr. Husband demanded I be given the best room on the surgical floor with the best nurses and and put a lock on the room so my aunt would have a good place to wait and not in the uncomfortable waiting room.

I took selfies in my tiara, got an iv put in and begged for ice chips (big no to that one...although my most recent surgery I was allowed to have water up until 2 hours of surgery).

The told me it would likely be 3:00 or later for the surgery...

but LifeFlight kept coming and I knew someone needed the OR more than I did...

Aunt Jane and I kept ourselves amused by seeing if I could manage to stay in the bed without sliding down...it was a surgical gurney with a vinyl mat on it that would help them slide me onto the OR table.  Why we didn't just take it off until it was time to go I will never know.

We also didn't see the tv controller so we spent about 3 hours watching the "keep the patient calm with nature photos" channel until we found the remote and found some real tv to take our minds off of what was about to happen.

And LifeFlight kept coming...

and 4:00 came...
and 4:30 came...
and 5:00 came...

and I was the only patient left in that part of the pre-op area...

Finally somewhere around 5:30 my oncologist's resident showed up and announced that Dr Rockstar was rested and ready to go and that we would be getting the show on the road soon...

the anesthesiologist came in and delivered the news that I would not be receiving a pain block because all the painkiller docs were gone (I got it the next day).

Finally Dr. Rockstar arrived and I cried...because I knew we were going to finally get the damn cancer out of me.

She's the most amazing woman in the world.

Seriously...

at least to me she is...

because even though it was late and she should have been home with her family she told me "let's do this!" and said she was gonna get it all out...

By then it was after 6:00 pm...

They finally wheeled me down to the pre-op area...the anesthesologist was still trying to figure out what to give me for pain (I itch with everything)....

Dr. Husband showed up and I burst into tears...he told me Dr. Gorgeous was parking the car (he wouldn't let her see me because it would do no good for me to go into surgery crying my eyes out from the love I received from them...). He told me they were scrubbing in and wanted to be with me.

I still cried buckets....

Then he demanded that the anesthesiologist give me the happy shot and let me settle in...

I got wheeled into the OR, put onto the table and they started hooking me up to things and sticking more needles in me...

I remember the mask coming toward my face and yelling out:

"please fix me!"

before they put me under...

I woke up in horrific pain and them moving me into a bed and wheeling me to post-op...

It was after midnight...

Dr. Rockstar had worked on me for 5 hours.

Dr. Gorgeous and Dr. Husband had to go home but they were there for most of the ride.

They told me later that Dr. Rockstar was like a maniac in the OR but she knew exactly what she was doing and she worked as hard as she could to take everything she felt was cancerous.

Except for two lymph glands.

The ones along for the cancer ride...

they were too close to my aorta and one would have left me with horrible lymphodema...and since she had to leave the one by the aorta she left the other one too...

I kind of like having my legs work and I really really love my aorta so I am glad she left them alone even if it meant I had to have chemo.

I finally was in my room around 3 am all I remember was my aunt Jane being there to greet me and my lovely nurse trying her best to keep me comfortable.

So that was a year ago today...

All day I have been reminded of what I was doing 365 days before.

And all I have done for the 365 days since was to fight this horrible disease.

For the past year I have fought cancer almost every day.

I had a nice little 6 weeks between the end of my first radiation series and my second.

Otherwise it has all been chemo, chemo recovery (X6) and then radiation and then the little break and then more chemo and radiation and then blood transfusions then a frenzied 12 days of working and then my hernia surgery...

It has been...

horrible
exhausting
nauseating
terrifying
horrifying
lonely
scary
frightening
painful

and hard as hell...

I am so ready for it to end and be behind me....

And in another 9 days I will know if I get to lay down my battle gear and be a real woman again or if I have to fight on...

The surgery was only the beginning of it....

We all have burdens in our life.

I know for certain that my troubles are minor compared to some and unbearable compared to others.

But life is not a competition to see who can withstand the most pressure and pain and strife in their life.

We have good days (and years) and bad days (and years)

Mine I have laid out before you in this blog....

this has been a bad rough year FOR ME....

I have friends who have flooded and either lost their homes or are having to rebuild their homes

I have friends who have lost loved ones and family members

I have friends who have gone through the breakup or divorce

I have friends who are ill or have a loved one who is ill

We all have things that are hard for us to deal with....

I have found throughout this year that my faith and will has been tested more than I ever thought it could be.

I have discovered I can do things and handle things I never thought I could...

you honestly don't know how strong you truly are until you have no choice but to face something and be strong.

in my case I felt I was as weak as a kitten but I discovered that I am as strong as a lioness...

One year ago I lay in an OR cut open with a surgeon doing her best to take out all the cancer she could find...I was on that table for 5 hours while she fought to clear out everything that was cancerous...

And I have been beyond blessed to have had her operate on me...and to give me the chemo....and to send me to Dr. Angel to give me the radiation...and to have the radiation...and to hopefully be cured.

It's been a year...

the hardest year of my life...

harder than the year I left my spouse...

harder than the year I lost my mother...

harder than I ever expected a year to be.

I am tired...

I am tired of fighting and of all that goes with the battle.

I'm ready to put my weapons away and find peace.

I'm ready to face each day not being afraid and to know my body is at peace and rest and that the cancer is gone.

A year ago I had no idea how hard the fight would be.

A year ago I had no idea what I was going to have to face.

A year ago I had no idea that I would have to do more than recover from surgery...

I'm ready for this year to be over....

I feel like 2018 will be a year where I rediscover who I am...where I get to enjoy life again....where my schedule does NOT revolve around medical things...

I don't have much to offer here tonight other than to commemorate the day that my life was saved.

November 28 will always be an extra birthday for me because it is the day that we discovered just how big a battle I was to face and it was the day that most of the cancer was eradicated.

We had no clue what she was going to find when she opened me up...

we thought I was Stage 3C

but thanks to the lymph glands in my neck I am Stage 4B....

that
is
terrifying

But I have faith in my doctors and in my body that I can overcome even something as awful as Stage 4 Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma.

It will not get me...

It will not stop me...

and next year on November 28 I will celebrate another year of beating cancer....

so right now, wherever you are, if you are the praying type: please send up a prayer for me, for my  Dr Rockstar and Dr. Angel and Dr Gorgeous and Dr Husband, pray for all the men and women suffering from cancer and pray that someday soon cancer will be as rare as smallpox.

I have had a year of fighting....

and I am grateful....

some never get to fight....some never know they have to fight...and some die fighting...

I will not die...

I will win....

and I will shine in my victory like the surgical lights shone in my body while she took the cancer out...

Thank you Dr. Rockstar for saving my life...

Inspiration Song: "A Moment Like This" by Kelly Clarkson....because what was a moment in my life has now become a day that will always define me...

Bye Darlings: if you have a day that your life changed remember to celebrate it and give thanksgiving...for me November 28 is one of those days...

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