You Get What You Give

Hello Darlings...

tomorrow I will have surgery to get rid of Gertie the Giant Incisional Hernia...

I'm quite tired of her ruining the way I look and not letting me show off all the hard work I have done to lose weight and get back in shape.

Plus I worry that she's getting bigger and that something might just get caught in the hernia so I am glad to be rid of it.

I have been dealing with this medical stuff for about 13 months now. 

Nov 14 with mark the one year anniversary of the phone call from my gynocologist telling me that the pathologist found cancerous cells (they just didn't know what kind) and on the 17th I will have known I have uterine cancer for a year...

All of it came down in November of last year---right while I was costuming our fall play and just before my birthday.

This year I have known I would have surgery again for about the last 6 weeks. I planned it to occur right after the run of our fall play so that I could recover on the one short bit of down time I have before getting ready to costume our musical.

I almost didn't get to have the surgery.

My platelets were extremely low
My hemoglobin was so low I needed transfusions
My white cell count was in the basement

Basically my body was working hard to recover from all the radiation and chemo I had put it through for the last year and most especially the last 6 weeks.

Being thrown into the hospital threw me for a loop and could not have come at a more inconvenient time but GOTT and my costume team girls jumped in and handled what I hadn't finished.

But I got out of the hospital on Tuesday and on Wednesday I went back to work and I went to see the anesthesia team at the hospital.

The nurse practitioner looked at me and said "what you are on paper and what you are in reality don't match up. On paper I see a very sick woman who is less than 24 hours out of the hospital and should be weak and sickly. In front of me I see a healthy looking woman in high heeled boots and a cute dress and great hair"...

I took that compliment to the bank...thank you sweet nurse!

When the surgeon's nurse assistant called me to confirm the surgery on Friday she said the same thing---that what I am on paper and what I present in person doesn't match but that my oncologist convinced them that I am strong enough to handle the surgery....

I had less than 26,000 platelets when I went into the hospital.

When I left I was at 43,000...

I had to get to 100,000 to get the surgery...

I was at 132,000 on Friday

I'm an overachiever...

that's how I roll...

give me a goal and I will sail past it...

That's how I have handled this cancer mess...throw the bad stuff at me and I will conquer it.

There are no magic potions to raise platelet levels so I just did my best by eating healthy (I dropped my dieting for a bit and focused on getting in good food to feed my blood) and trying to rest as much as could during show week.

In the midst of all of this medical drama I still had about 45 kids to costume for "Our Town" and we had 4 performances and a full dress rehearsal with an audience. It was 14 hour days and late nights.

And it was worth it.

The kids were amazing.

Our Town is not an easy play to understand, act or watch.

The third act is a doozy as it deals with the death of one of the main characters and it makes the audience realize that ordinary life is a blessing and we take so much for granted.

And now, having looked possible death in the eye, I am even more aware of how blessed my life is and how lucky I am to live the life I do.

I am lucky to be alive...

I am lucky to not have undiagnosed deadly cancer inside of me...

and I am lucky to have all the love and support I get from my family, community, friends and my students I work with.

Last night the Stage Management team blew me away by giving me a sweet award.

We always give each member of the cast and crew a fun and silly award that reflects something about them or the character they played.  The awards are just for fun and the kids have a good time with them.

But I had no idea that the 3 student stage managers and the student director had a surprise in store for me...and after all the kids awards were given the student director began to speak...

it took a minute or so before I realized that the words he was saying were about me...

and then he hugged me and handed me a piece of paper that said "The Fighter Award"...

and then, in a moment I will always consider one of the sweetest of my life, the kids surrounded me and we were all in one big giant hug.

THAT was truly a moment I will never forget...

I felt so much love from those precious kids and I am so happy that they all know just how very very much I love each and every one of them.

I cried then...
I cried on the way home...
and I am crying as I type this...

Feeling all that love surround me and knowing that these are young people just beginning to understand life and death and illness and struggle I was stunned by their insight...

and I am ever so grateful that they see the work I put in to making them look good on stage and they know it is because I love them that I do it.

So these past two weeks have been lessons in learning that what I put into something is ultimately what I get..

you get what you give...

and because I gave my body a chance to heal and recover I get to have my surgery to repair an ugly hernia (people trust me on this...it is huge...it is alien baby head huge...)

and because the kids see the love I put in to doing my costume work they give me love and support in return...

I have resolved to spend as much of my life spreading love and showing strength as I can...

I believe with my whole heart that I am healed from this horrible disease I have been fighting.

I have spent a year:
being cut on...
having poison put into my veins
being radiated inside and outside my body in two different areas
spending days in my chair just trying to get the energy to walk across the house
having needles put into me so often that I no longer flinch when I am poked
being scanned endlessly

but because of all of that and the tireless work of my doctors I fully believe I will be cured...

So tomorrow when I go under the knife one more time (my stomach looks like some sort of crazy road map of scars) I hope that this will be the last of what I go through with this cancer (other than some scans and blood tests).

I'm ready to live my life...
to find love...
to enjoy my job...
to spend time doing something other than going to the Med Center...

For 6 weeks I drove myself all the way down to the Med Center Monday-Friday.

I had to leave work to do it and my entire day was planned around 7 minutes on the radiation table.

Mondays I had to be in the infusion center and work with the radiation tech guys to also get my radiation.

It was a crazy time of me endlessly in my car travelling across this city to get to my doctors to get cured.

I am grateful I was able to and that I do something that allows me the freedom to walk out the door at noon to go and do something that will cure me.

But the effort it took will be worth it in the end when Dr. Angel tells me my scans are clear and that I am in remission.

He's worked hard for it.
Dr. Rockstar has worked hard for it.
Dr. SweetMeds has worked hard for it.
My aunt and TwilerGirl have worked hard for it taking care of me.
My friends have worked hard for it supporting me.

And I have given everything I have to fight it.

Last night I was surrounded by love.

It was a physical realization of the love I feel from all of you.

I stood in the middle with my arms around those children and their hugs made me feel so incredibly loved and appreciated.

Life is not easy...

No one has it perfect...no one has a smooth flat road to travel...we all have bumps in our road and struggles.  And I don't have more or less than most others.

My battle has been a physical, spiritual, and emotional fight to survive.

And tomorrow I will lay down on that operating table and fight the last part of my fight.  The hernia I got because I didn't mind my doctor when she said not to lift heavy objects will be gone.  The last reminder (other than my scars and port) that I have been battling cancer for a year.

And then I get to rest...

and wait...

and let my body do the final healing so that I can be declared cancer free.

You never know when the smallest act of kindness might have the biggest results.

Last night my kids handed me a piece of paper that is more precious to me than gold.

I am blessed...

Inspiration Song: "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals...it's a fun little song and its one I listen to to give me strength to not give up.

Bye Darlings---pray for me...and never forget that a small acknowledgement can mean the world to someone...